notes short quick

fast intense changes ....

this has been an intense period at work
then i go on an intensive 2-week vacation (my neverending thanks HB for your flash of inspiration, thank you!)
then i go back to work for 10 days (i think)
then i start having an intense time at school!

like... whoooooa! ;))

i hope i don't sob all over myself for lack of transitions ;). nah, it's ok. the past 9 years have been transition enough :D

time to move on. ;)

i love you life, i love you world.

(ang arte arte arte mo na V ;)))

short quick notes

YM was made for kulits like me and you, and all my kulit officemates (hehehe redundant). We may be anti-globalization but we're definitely pro-YM. ;))

It's no longer the off-season. Am back in style! ;))

Yon na muna! Uwi na ako! May bukas pa!

the off season

noteworthy

gf: indi ka angayan. wala gid any amount of bitterness.

it's a miracle, promise. hehehehe. it's one of the noteworthy things in my life these days. how happy I am for this certain couple. hehehe! as in :) i could kiss them both. (overrrrrrr, but true.)

cheers to you :)

tulala tutula

ako'y

nababaliw
nabubusog
nauuhaw
naaaliw
nagmamahal
nasasabik
nananadya
nangungulit
naguumapaw
natutulala
nagtatatalon

umiibig.

ano na nga iyon ulit?
nabubuang
nagiging matino
nagiging mas matalino
nagniningning
nawawala at nahahanap

lahat ng ito
ipinapasalamat.

that season

and so mother universe, what's a girl to do? who is oh so oh oh oh oh uh oh.

:D :P :D :) la la la la la la.

life as prayer ;)

How do you pray? Andrea asks. A lovely SuperHero post about praying. Here's my favorite bit:

But back to that line about daring to pray. I've never identified with a particular religion, but prayer in some form has always resonated for me. I think I've been praying for a long time and calling it other things. 'Manifesting', 'asking the universe for help', 'sending out good energy'. All the lists I've ever written that have gone into magic boxes are prayers. All of those paintings done in a fury of emotion, all of those mornings spent writing, all of those drawings-- deep prayers. Or the time I wrote that letter, the one that was so difficult to write, and afterwards I dropped it into the fire. A prayer of letting go.

There is a line in a Rumi poem that I've always loved, "There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground."

Perhaps you pick up a musical instrument or sing in the shower, maybe you take your dog to the puppy park and bask in the joy of unconditional dog love, maybe you hike in the woods, practice yoga or volunteer at the soup kitchen. Maybe you salsa dance into the wee hours of the night.

This is all worship. This is all prayer. Laughter is prayer and also tears. I think prayer is about honoring life, about being alive, about worshiping our own aliveness in the world & feeling a connection to spirit and to others.

Your Inspiring Self
Also in my inbox is the latest eletter from SARK about you and your inspiring self! To remind you and me that each of us, we are all love-worthy ;)! And in this way we are better able to love others and their inspiring selves.

For your tiny and large kindnesses, for your glad heart and
your confused tears, for your stumbling and yearning. For
your endearing soul and rare insights, for your impossible
moods and hopeless moments. For your rage and despair
and explorations in shadows and darkness, for your
resistance and conflict and refusal to feel good, or do good
things. For your selflessness and especially for your
selfishness. For your pathetic vulnerable times and for all
your splendidly human moments. For your incandescent
spirit and ingenious escapes. For your will and suffering.
For everything that you’ve tried to hide. For your failings and
attempts and for all that you have lost and found. For your
regrets and loneliness and for every fear that has ever
stalked you. For your neurotic bumbling. For radiant
knowledge and countless expressions of love. You are
inspiring to me because you are exquisitely YOU.

Isn’t it funny that what we most try to hide or conceal is what
others find most inspiring or endearing about us?

I want to encourage you to know that you are inspiring to me
and others. I invite you to revel in your inspiring self!
Especially when you feel the least inspiring.

Your Inspiring Susan
(AKA SARK, Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy)


As for me, I have lately been conscious to rephrase my life as prayer. Not to get bogged down in complaints, and the Stuff That Go Wrong, and to stop Trying Too Hard on Stuff That Refuse to Cooperate (hehehe!), to fill those with love, and transform to prayer instead.

And to say no, and let go of those I cannot do :P (who am I kidding anyway? I am just a flower ;)) ).

Have a blessed weekend!

5

cinco de mayo - May 5, 2005
One of the stellar moments of the day to go on the offensive is 1:29PM PDT when the Sun in Taurus and Mars in Pisces link up through a 72-degree pattern. This type of alignment is based on dividing the zodiacal circle of 360 degrees by the number five. The quality of five -- numerologically -- has to do with change, evolution and consciousness-raising. The upright five-pointed star or pentagram is a symbol of spiritual advancement. Meditating on the deeper significance of this image can give you an enormous vitality boost -- particularly as this is the fifth day of the fifth month of the year (celebrated in many communities as Cinco de Mayo).

A bit of detail up there for all the da vinci code fans ;)

Moreso, spent the night with priestess energies, the Dark Lord and her minions consorting over steak, eggs, and lots of kinds of syrups, talking about reincarnation, past lives, the right to sexual fantasy, pornography, women being both victims and agents, etc. Very Mona Lisa.

Moreso, had a blessed day, with everyone helping out my sinking ship (hehehe overloaded promise) without my having to ask, with sympathy and support, and even understanding from the boss! Golly gee.

This is when 5 is not a failing grade, but a welcome break.

a tale of tonight

i was trying out my new flash (FLASH!) disk, and then my pc (precious to our office for now, holder of precious letters) wouldn't boot. windows died on me, friends hovered around, looking for stuff amidst my mess, offering cd drivers, etc, not wanting to get deeply involved but itching to put their hands on the pie...pc.

eventually they went downstairs and eventually i joined them for yet another amalgamation of differently-cooked tunas: new tonight tuna sinigang tripled with tuna tapa and my first choice, tuna belly.

left to myself, i extracted some files, and it worked, and my system was humming happily once more. followed the trail of a friendster blog announcement, and thought i'd look up an old attachment's forever, and voila, there they were before me, and how pleased i was to see them. hold her hold her hold her like you love her (as you do) when you're being snapped :)

click click i surfed some more among friends and acquaintances' photos and snapshots of their lives but as i do, i grew bored with friendster, and left. and called up him whom i love and my heart grew warm and fuzzy. giggled, talked, laughed out loud, and talked about the future in between thoughts of now, my fractured tailbone and his scratchy throat, and whether or not i can or would or could or want to. no need to. good if yes, good if no. and maybe i would. well i would just that my now is that i miss you so, and not that which would not solve it ;).

hello world card

dear wise and understanding universe
(hehe, good mood na),

we have exactly 6 whole days before the riot starts. :D.

i mean the 7-day office togetherness errrr ... meeting, conference, meeting, congress.

i hope it all comes together and i don't forget anything major, like telling everyone what time it is, or what year this is, or that one puts on one's bra first before one's shirt. (but pansy, you don't have to tell everyone what year this is because if you trust them, they will know ;) )

because only i know what i'm truly capable of.

and that includes walking out on everything if it gets truly exasperating ;)). i hope i will count to ten, remove myself from the mix of convoluted energies ;)), and say, ...

on the 17th, I CAN, and I WILL! ha! ha!
;))

but anyways, it's not worth it getting tired and ugly and sick over all of these ;). i just hope we will do a good job, and that i can stop myself from kicking anyone who will say otherwise (and i can bet you one or two or three or 76 will.)


blessings

and i want to thank you world card, for the following:

1. wise, loving and understanding migo (hmmmm intriguing) who 'gets' astrologically-designed meltdowns ;))
2. super wise, super loving migas who have been around for a hundred years, and still do this thing every day of their lives -- love me at whatever time and whatever day and at whatever state they may also be in.
3. having been able to tell, boss number three today, that am outta here :D wow what a relief that was. i can't take it anymore, having too many bosses. but i have a resolution to write her to tell her i like her and love her, and it's nothing personal.

i just want to be by myself for a while ;)).

work-wise.

back to work. mwehehehe.

anew na nga ba yon?

Anyway.

When I step back from my drama, I am amused. So. This is my moment. My, how it has changed from my previous moments.

;))


It's a bit like your long-lost tita telling you, "Ikaw ba ang anak ni? Ang laki mo na!"

I have a new list of frequently called numbers/ resource persons. I'm drawing from new models.

"New" only because this is "new" once again to me. But they have always been there.

I have "new" considerations, "new" dilemmas, "new" heartaches, "new" parallel worlds.

Mwahaha. New anew.

Life goes on, you brat

Sorry universe, ang kulit ko. (pangit mo)

Never ko na gets.

Now lang.

:)

Sticks lips, snout out in a long ugly pout in an attempt to avoid further melodrama.

Hindi ko pa kayang sabihin. Sasabihin ko na ba?
Kapag sinabi ko ba, hindi na ako masasaktan at tuluyan ko nang matatanggap?

O siya.

Hindi ngayon.
Hindi ngayong minuto, hindi ngayong oras, hindi ngayong araw.
Ni hindi ngayong lingo.
Ni hindi ngayong buwan.

Ni hindi ko nga yata dapat tinatanong.
(para pag nagtatanong ka kung kelan ang suweldo, dalawang araw lamang pagkalipas ng pagkuha mo ng suweldo)

Dahil hindi ngayon.

Hindi ngayon ang oras ng pagkikita, at pagsasama.

At huwag ka na lang magtanong kung kailan kasi hindi magkakaroon ng sagot hangga’t may gana ka pang magtanong. Baka kapag nagsawa ka na sa kakatanong at kakaproblema, saka pa lang magkakaroon ng sagot kaya,

Huwag ka na lang magtanong.

Nakatunganga.

KABLAG

Dropping everything for some sweet and yummy ve-je-te-bels
(as in everything -- letters to speakers, lists, documents, thoughts, worries, panties and all :P)

at our local walk-in wok in.


Everytime I look
Into your lovely eyes
I see a love that money
Just can't buy ...

Anything you want
You got it
Anything you need
You got it
Anything at all
You got it
Baby

aPROPoS of nothing

Today's Props Propped in front of my CPU in front of me working away at one million letters to prepare:

1. tishu
2. orange-flavored loviscol for adults,
3. and lagundi forte (supposedly for cough but really for constipation ;)) or if it were up to HB for everything that could be wrong -- heartache, money problems, fever, you name it, lagundi takes care of it ;) and the best thing is, THEY DON'T HAVE LAGUNDI in the US of A, mwahahahahaha ... not in Secaucus anyway)

I feel a bit like that song that goes:

I bought a toothbrush, some toothpaste
A flannel for my face
Pyjamas, a hairbrush
New shoes and a case
I said to my reflection
Let’s get out of this place

Past the church and the steeple
The laundry on the hill


soon enough, I WILL.

Who knows how long I've loved you
You know I love you still
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to--I will.

For if I ever saw you
I didn't catch your name
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same.

that makes two of us

sabi niya: i love you very much.

WELGA ng Women

And so, we're off!

I mean WE'RE ON!

Salamat sa Priestess sa pagsusulat.

in the country of separate nows

how a moment of good cheer
metamorphosed into tears
in the space of a second
the space of an email
opening.

i am in the country of separate nows.

that's how it is.

i type and wail in YM emoticons.

ignoring my colleague at the back, chattering chattering chattering

(GRIN: i like you promise but i want to cry now.
you're not in my now, you sitting at the back of me.
but thank you for working with such delight.)

i am in the country of separate nows.
i am in the country of separate nows.
i am in the country of separate nows.

now.

A'IGHT!!!!!!!

:P :D :) MWAHAHAHAHAHA

just rambling (sheeshkebab2)

nerviyus.

every time i think about how tomorrow is Sunday, and that means there will only be two days left between tomorrow, and Wednesday, I get nerviyus indeed.

clearly, i am tempted to panic.

i must remember to do one thing at a time, even as we will try to anticipate. sorry, when you're organizing a big event, anticipating is what needs to be done.

all my days are spoken for, until May 16. ggggrrrrr. (this is my particular drama this summer. hehehehe.) spoken for. oh well, at the very least i already know what i ought to be doing from tonight until next next Monday.

count my blessings! :D count my blessings i command me!
1. HB is a sweetheart! HB is goddess-sent! HB holds up 3/4 of the sky. i do 6/8 of the 1/4 and about 2/3 of the sky in the other galaxy.
2. co-cap-co-league is sweet.
3. this is actually a GREAT project if a highly stressful one.
4. many of the participants are really HELPFUL.
5. i got good grades last sem (methinks they could have been better)
6. honey with the 3 o'clock habit
7. one million other blessings. hehehe. (including the fact that cable wasn't cut contrary to the best educated guess)

lalalala

anyway, roomie and i are throwing a huge party when we graduate in 2008, cross your fingers and legs. hahaha! she insists i'll catch up with her. you're all invited :D

lalalala

my drama next semester is going to be swimming in theories :D. i'm sure i'll panic at some points. am sure i'll be very interested but think if only it weren't too much. am sure some of y'all gonna ride some of these theory waves with me. (thank you in advance. one never learns that one only learns by one's self. others will also learn, whether they like it or not for (wo)man never lives by bread alone, but with wheat bread and peanut butter too).

i'll be enrolling in cognitive psychology, advance personality, family relations psychology, and abnormal psychology. wahahahahahaha! golly gee. i'll be a nut case. hopefully a learned nut case.

lalalala

my next feel good thing to do is change the sheets :D

futureminder quote

What I search for, I find. What we neglect escapes us.
Sophocles

Such is our responsibility. :)

sheeshkebab1

Nicely put.
Here is your single's love horoscope for Friday, April 22:

Start a new project today. Like finding the love of your life. Or
finding the life you love -- which can, they say, create the necessary conditions for the love of your life to appear.

lalala

It's not funny. But I won't dwell on it.
TOO MUCH WORK SPOILS THE ENJOYMENT OF THE WORK.

lalala

imagine. pumapangit na ako!!!!!! (kahit cute ang orange jogging pants... as in everybody wants a piece of my pants ;).

Not Good. Sometimes, beauty is everything. :P

too busy

everytime i pass my living room, and sit on the sofa for but ten minutes,
I MISS IT.

"sa diin? kat ta!"

For my queen ;) You can be the queen in my life, if I can be the king in yours.

Well I'll follow you wherever
When you lead me by my nose
On another big adventure- I suppose
Then you lay me down in clover
With their petals on my back
I should make some time
To do more things like that...

Won't you sing to me your poetry,
Won't you take me to your home,
Won't you be for me forever
So I'll never be alone
And just one thing...
If you're my queen...
Then it's a beautiful thing...

chaka khan

ka-OA-han
tak-an
vornot
ggggrrrr.

OC-ness should have its limits when it's getting in the way of moving forward to no dire consequence except being too particular!

there are consequences to forever corrections, and saying no at some point also means being responsible.

fax it.

moans

Hahaha. I mean, love sound bites. I mean sound bytes on love. Moans sounds so much more interesting though. :P

Thank you for being the kind of person who’s not looking for perfection but revels and recognizes the humanity in each person, and knows how to love that humanity.

Thank you for loving perfectly imperfect me, and same to you. :P

I didn’t know it could be that simple. Aside from being complicated, it is also that simple!

**

At odd bitter moments, a gf or two and I would talk about how we have trained some men so well. For other women. You know when a guy has learned so much from you, has become a better person, … and then someone else benefits.

GRIN. I did say, odd bitter moments.

Right now, I can only but be grateful to all those wonderful women who have contributed so much to the person that you are.

So it becomes all right to have loved and lost, and be loving again. Because the circle is so much bigger and broader than any connections I, or any individual, may ever have created. The loving goes on.

**

Girl, I need you to support me on this because I love you and sometimes we need things of the people we love. Support me on this? Know what’s being supportive or not? :) It is always “in the spirit in which something is said or done,” conscious or not (blame Freud). After all, we have had so many rich and rowdy years of supporting each other, this shouldn’t be anything different.

More of the same.

Love.

**

I also want to talk about me loving myself. Allowing my self my mishaps, misapprehensions, amusements, questions, nervous laughter, concrete fears, etc etc etc. That’s all ok. That’s part of me learning and loving, and nothing I say or share can and should be used against me. :P

Take it seriously, with a grain of salt and a lot of love.

**

At ok din kaya, kung iparamdam mo rin sa mga mahal ko, kung kinakailangan, na mahal mo ako? :P

**

Girlfriend love: i love i love i love getting back together with two other best friends this week :).

Funny in one conversation when we said how I seem to have higher expectations of girlfriends. Hahaha. Girl friends matter promise.

parteh of three

we have a new colleague at work, and our partnership of two has grown to a party of three (barring the presence of bosses, themselves a non-party of three hehehe). now this has actually not provoked any big thoughts and emotions from me (yet), but is presently significant in that we have only two desktops in our little room.

so as not to confuse you any further or lead you on in a merry way as to the importance of this post in your now (:P), i only mean to say that using my laftaf on another desk has changed the world for the better. i have opted to use this "boylet" (must think of a name, boylet comes up as a close synonym to toy :P) not only out of need but also because the office has gone wireless.

anyway. i am greatly pleased with where i am currently sitting, and typing. it shakes up the molecules around me a bit.

(i have taken down my clothesline of lists from next week but have started doing this week's "laundry." right now, there's four big to-do's).

thank goddess for lab ;P

between asterisks

You inspire me. I like that in a guy.

I like that in a person. But rarely do I get inspired. And rarely by a guy.

Person.

:)


***

I should allow myself to be more inspired more often.

:)

***

Sometimes we have to choose. This person-friend or that person-friend. When interests clash, when there is love and affection all around, but you can't be everywhere, for everyone at once. Choosing is sometimes more loving.

Perhaps, next time.

***

We have to respect the goodbye moment.
Grab it, give in to it, be in it. Fully.
Goodbye.

***

Spent the day in great company. Sinamahan ako ni M/ sinamahan ko si M.

***

Disrespected my throat yesterday. Now I'm sick. My tonsils are inflamed. I hope this doesn't escalate into a full-blown sick weekend.

***

Don't rain on my parade :)

***

My love is happy. And so am I :)

***

Kanina, I was beaming. Iba pala when you're beaming. I was happy, and I was beaming, and I thought to myself I should beam more often.

:D

planned procrastination

means having my way with myself? ;)

means taking your pleasure when you can?

means taking the time for yourself? with your loved ones? and your friends?

an hour or two or three away from work CAN change the world for the better promise :D

like a hot shower can. or licking an ice cream cone. or a massage.

but what i only meant to post was.

i asked gf, what time she wanted to flee the office so i can plan my procrastination accordingly.

don't feel like walking home alone.

but sometimes, your imagination can take you lotsa places.

Plan B. Or Plan A. ;)

Interesting

Interesting
Originally uploaded by Pansy.

Lesbianism as the answer to competition between women.

Hihihihihi. Hahahahaha. Hehehehe.

Best friends ah.

:P

ganito lang yan

NAMASTE :)

"hugot from the heart" kung si gf pa. hehehe.

bongga ang april 12, 3 na ang major learnings ko from when i woke up at 7 am. hehehe.

monkey see, monkey do

Sometimes it really is as easy as all that.

When you come face to face with your true intentions, when you recognize your heart's desire. It's there. That's it.

Snap of the finger, blink of an eye.

When I said, I wanted to actualize myself :D
When I said, I wanted to love more :D
When I said, I wanted to do this instead of that :D

Blink. He's there. He's all that. And I am learning a lot. And he's not doing anything new. Just being himself. And I am learning all that I can. And in a sense, it's got "nothing" to do with him. Because it's about me.

But then. We, all of us, are one.

So he's also probably learning too. And am just being myself.

And everyone else in the area (this is a wireless thing that needs no setting up) is learning too. And all of us are learning from each other, and making waves of love.

And that's the sort of thing that can stop earthquakes. Monkeys :D

:)

Let us read and dance, and so we will not hurt the rest of the world!-Voltaire

Finding the time to enjoy yourself in the company of others soothes a troubled mind. Play makes work fun. Cheerful thoughts infuse the day, and a gesture of appreciation goes a long way. What you say, people like to hear. Because you see how the pieces fit, you recognize and can create harmony. Being childlike or with children should bring a smile. Whatever the activity-discover the joy.

na ewan.

Masaya kasi magtrabaho kapag maraming kasama. Lalo na kapag mabigat ang trabaho, gumagaan kapag mayroon kang kasama nag-poproblema.

Tingin ko kaaway ko talaga ang magtrabaho mag-isa sa mga bagay na mabibigat.

Tingin ko blessing talaga noong nakatrabaho ko na si HB sa gender-gender and women-women.

Nalulungkot din ako kapag may pinapagawa na mabigat tapos di ka man lang ma-ayudahan ng boss mo sa sobrang busy niya na. :( Para kang naiwanan na ewan.

these crazy days

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

lol

the best day of my life today ;))

Clothesline of lists and a paper quilt be mine today.

motto

Kahit anong mangyari, sa susunod na dalawang araw, HINDI AKO MATITINAG.

Ha!

Hehehe. I have work galore rising around me. And I sit here, amused at it all. I had the feeling this is the summer I'm going to need to pretend (read: internalize) that I am really a workaholic :P.

A workaholic in love. I double dare you V!

I am SUPER

Here is your love horoscope for Thursday, April 7:

Your sweetie's calling out to you, but so is the office. The daily
juggle can be disheartening, but don't try to be a superhero. Prioritize so
there's more time to play with your partner.

;))


P.S. THANK YOU. :) Sweetness abounds. If I had a transmogrifying machine .... calling Calvin and Hobbes ;) pa-borrow.

as tuesday turns

Funny how a day unfolds.

You never changed clothes.
You never even left your building.

But your cells have grown (:P pancit canton)
Your internal rivers rose and changed directions

Several times, new seas came up
And so did new moons :D

At my planet:
I would like to say thank you DD for bearing with me agonizing about my pet peeves (hehe) and smiling thru my mood swings (I was sad and I felt better).
I would like to say B, I'm sorry for raining on your sunny day, and now I know better than to muscle in on your romance ;). After all, I already said my piece (hehehe! pakialamera).
I would like to say thank you universe for providing the chance for me to verbalize.
I would like to say thank you universe for Maya who REALLY by her presence helps me say the things that are difficult to say (chicken chicken chicken chicken hahaha) but need to be said.
I would like to say thank you friend S for being you, who understood every word I said, and everything I meant. Ang ganda mo mare, grabe.


Goddesses on YM
me: mabango

an hour later...
me: mabango
j: naka-tube

two hours later...
me: mabango
j: naka-tube
m: naka halter

three hours later...
m: naka-halter, backless at mas mabango

3 hours and fifteen minutes...
me: non-competitive mabango

3 hours and twenty minutes...
m: naka-halter, backless at mas mabango, walang biro
me: non-competitive mabango, red shorts and white sando

3 hours and thirty minutes...
j: naka-tube kaya lalong inubo
c: i give in to the "war": cover girl in baby blue spaghetti

Let's not get started on the pancit. :P

TODAY's Cover Girl

No offense to the Pope, the Goddess rest his soul :). But the Priestess bumped him off the cover page of today's Manila Standard.

'Coz she DON'T OWE, WON'T PAY! It's not about her debts :D though that pic may send her creditors quaking (like Ara at the carinderia down the road). It's just that, if you care to look at the fine print, there are a million reasons why we should push for DEBT CANCELLATION of South countries, particularly countries in crisis like the Philippines, and countries devastated by the tsunami. If you have ever caught yourself wondering what can be done NOW, to provide relief and results NOW, then click up there and read on.

And then again, Priestess, where and how else should you be cover girl, but as your guapa self, proclaiming to the world, just what it is you believe in (with matching lumaw lumaw/ teary eyes)?

P.S. Frame it for the benefit of those differently sun-signed children and apos ;)

i can't keep quiet any longer

damn but i smell SO GOOD! :D

and look so fresh :D

i keep sniffing my arms :D

(Body Shop's body scrub and body butter in Olive. Hmmmmmmm.)

finger to lips

and with a great WHOOOOOOOOOSH,

(plus the silent flapping of invisible feathers)

i disappear into my quietness.

;)

(I love, and i must sit with myself. I love big big big.)

not my song

Sad To Belong
( England Dan and John Ford Coley )

I met you on a springtime day,
You were minding your life and I was minding mine too.
Lady, when you looked my way,
I had a strange sensation and Darling, that's when I knew...

That it's sad to belong to someone else,
When the right one comes along.
Yes, it's sad to belong to someone else,
When the right one comes along.

Oh, I wake up in the night,
And I reach beside me hoping you would be there.
But instead I find someone,
Who believed in me when I said I'd always care...


So sue me. I just feel sad that's all, and this seemed, sadly, appropriately sad. Even if it's really not my song. Hehehe. Feelings are strange like that.

I have just arrived back home after wending my way down mountains. Maybe that's reason enough to be sad, if sadness needs to have a reason.

Maybe I am happy enough to allow myself to be sad :).

Before I wound my way down the mountain, in a darkened bus, staring at the lights splattered on the hillsides (on the mountains there can be hills :D), with my seatmate crying into her hanky, I prayed a thank you for when life sends you people who see you, dimunitive dot that you are (dimunitive dot to dimunitive dot? :D not always. "dimunitive dot" sounds so "slight pang"), who will love you, and who will try not to hurt you. i think the trying part makes all the difference, even if they won't always succeed.

nor will you.

driving

We got in the cab on EDSA outside Shangri-la Mall past midnight that Friday. Surprisingly traffic was heavy and soon after we passed Robinson’s Galleria, the driver grunted that we should go to Sikatuna via White Plains. I thought about the possible wide empty stretches of road on White Plains, about how the EDSA route was much nearer, and commented that, maybe taking White Plains would be too far. The driver relented but soon as we got much nearer the turn that would take him to White Plains, he asked again, and I said forcefully willfully that we should just continue on.

In response, he revved up the engine, and accelerated the cab, losing his temper in the middle of traffic, in fact in the middle of two big trucks on either side. Ajo and I noted his anger without comment continuing to sit in silence as he drove in starts and spurts taking chances by changing lanes too quickly.

How was he to know I find comfort in being snug in the middle of traffic, intimidated by freeways where cars whiz past and testosterone is given free rein (I don’t believe in giving testosterone free rein). I get overwhelmed by empty highways and the thought of speed-high maniacs going blind getting high or losing one’s brakes at 100 kph.

Or even that my curiosity had been piqued by the uncharacteristically heavy traffic and I wanted us to inch forward just to find out what the buildup was all about? I was in no big hurry and would have been happy to know.

He continued on in a tantrum and I guessed that he would take the next best turn, taking a right just before Cubao, popping up at Aurora and going up Anonas. He did as I thought he would and we let him as he wanted.

He lost his temper and took our lives into his hands but it didn’t matter because he had his radio on the station playing jazz oldies in the middle of the night. His saving grace Diana Krall crooning, “I’ve got you under my skin.”

When the gate had closed behind us, I said to Ajo, the driver lost his temper. She complained, it’s ok to get mad but he shouldn’t get us killed because of it.

“But each time I do, just the thought of you, Makes me stop before I begin, Coz, I’ve got you under my skin.”

if i were a vegetable

...i would be a tomato (TOMAHTOH say the British), round, red, juicy, nutritious or cancerous depending on the state of your own health :D works well with patis.

i feel a bit like a vegetable. am somewhat tired. have just finished with the thing that was due at 10 pm last night (hehe some deadlines are impossible promise). now what to do with the thing that was due at 6 am today? and as i am tapping the keys here it is 7 pm. i don't feel too stressed with all the crazy deadlines around here. others have it crazier (MUCH), and besides i'm trying to savor my last summer at this crazed house of workers on this street full of industry.

and i can certainly do with a kick on the butt now and then.

tomorrow i can go and pay all my bills that are past due.

my days and my weeks go by in themes. have been since the start of the year. bills are tomorrow. this week was work (oh and getting married, go figure hehe). last week was laidback and loving. the week before that was school.

i feel peaceful :) what a gift.

school supplies sentiments

sometimes it's all i can do
not to want to stick like glue :D

but then, if glue is what
i have to be
then glued is what i am.

(or maybe i'm a piece of pink post-it
attached but not too much.)

mother may i ;)

"oh mother dear, we sadly fear our mittens we have lost..."

yes, i am losing my marbles.

Relationships of all kinds, particularly romantic partnerships, are advanced through an increased understanding and open, honest communication, V. If you are currently involved in a love relationship, today it might advance to the next level of commitment. Also, any plans you make are likely to produce whatever results you want. Don't put anything off; make use of the day's energies. You'll be glad you did.

magkaharap

Me, repeat after Me: I am not my sadness. I am not my sadness. I am not my sadness. Hehehehe.


an 8 cubic feet invisible fridge
blocking the view, the door, my way
not amorphous in the air
not a scent of sadness
but solid.

it wants me,
wants only me,
and wants all of me.
it bears no escape no disguise
won't budge.

i stand in front of it
my sadness and i facing each other
squarely
eye to eye.

home again, jiggety jig

Stepped off the bus at Kamias to a lovely Easter Sunday late afternoon. :)

from the mouths of beach babes

Some Accumulated Wisdom from Our 24-Hour Feeding Program at the Diver's Sanctuary, Batangas

:P

1. When commuting to and from the Diver's Sanctuary from Lemery, Batangas, TAKE THE JEEP. Yes, let me say that again. Take the jeep!
Response: You just won't be able to help it, WAHAHAHAHA, you'll be rolling on the jeep laughing!

We never regretted turning down the special tricycle ride in favor of the jeep. Our banca ride to the resort awaited us at Baliti, the very end of the jeepney route that goes thru several rural barangays. Most of the passengers were very friendly with each other, and the ride exuded a particular charm.

The driver was this small laidback man, engaged in his own world, merrily driving along, without thought to his passengers who might need to get off at some point. Result: some truly high-decibel, community effort "para-han" or collectively getting the driver's attention to stop the jeep. Nerve-wracking but fun, guess that's what bayanihan is all about.

Like this lady screaming repeatedly, asking the driver's permission to go and buy kerosene. DD was like, what, why's she asking his permission to buy kerosene? It turned out she meant for the jeep to wait while she ran off to the store (and the store was a fair distance from the jeep because again, the driver wasn't listening and didn't stop in time hehehe). By the time we got to our stop, DD had thought up several favors for the jeepney driver including, "teka lang, gagatasan ko muna ang aking kambing." WAHAHAHAHA!

It didn't end there either. At a turn in the road, a lazy passenger suddenly threw out a carton of cigarettes screaming, "Paki-bigay kay Nanay!!"

2. Nakakapagod pala mag-swimming.
Response: WAHAHAHAHAHA!

Halos hindi kami nag swimming. Bakit? Kasi ...

3. Noong nagsabog ang Diyos ng tulog, napunta ang karamihan kay DD.
Response: WAHAHAHAHA!

Si DD tulog ng tulog. Si Buddha di makatulog, antay ng antay kay DD gumising. Si V basa ng basa at read aloud ng binasa niya (the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle is my book of the moment :)

4. Medyo mahirap mag-snorkeling kapag pakiramdam mo, sasab-it ka na sa corals.
Response: WAHAHAHAHAHA!

The corals and fishes by Ligpo Island remain interesting and colorful. However, it is a trial snorkeling at low tide when there is only a centimeter distance between your belly and the nice pink coral. Yes, even when you have sucked in your stomach and have taken advantage of your natural buoyancy. And the corals and fishes get tired of your constant apologies for bumping into them.

An alternative: Hie off to the pool overlooking the sea, and ask Joel to bring you some beers, and wait for a beautiful sunset. To sunsets!


5. Napakaganda ng kabilugan ng buwan sa tabi ng dagat.
Pagkatapos namin matulog pagkatapos ng bawat activity (halimbawa: pagkadating TULOG, pagkasnorkel at nood ng sunset TULOG, pagkakain TULOG) pinanood namin ang buwan at nagkuwentuhan ng mga bagay na di pa namin ever nagawa.



:) Bilang ending, gusto ko lang din magpasalamat sa aking dalawang masayahing kaibigan (hey DD and B) na hinayaan akong maging now-you're-with-her-now-you're-not. That was generous of you, thank you :). At nandoon naman ako para gisingin ng conductor ng bus para lamang magbayad ng ating mga ticket dahil sa sumpa ninyong dalawa na bawal magsalita, at ang sisira sa usapan ay kailangang bumaba ng bus! Grrrrrr! :P

mga bagay na di ko pa ever nagawa

1. magsuot ng swimsuit na puti
2. mag-spend ng Christmas kasama ang romantic significant other
3. maglaba ng undies ng significant other
4. maging miyembro ng mile-high club
5. magpakalbo
6. makipaghalikan sa babaeng may asawa (hahahaha)
7. mag-meet the father ng significant other (nag-meet the mother lang ako so far)
8. magpakasal

:D

i have an idea

around this time last year, i was pretty upset by a friend's attitude. i felt he was being defeatist. i couldn't get over it.

and then i realized, he could change if he wanted to :). and that thought made all the difference. we aren't stuck where we are. we can change.

maybe we can help each other. maybe you can show me the way :)

raffle tickets

three jo's

josephine, jo ann and joannalyn eat their way thru good friday.

as i am writing this by the side of the staircase, a couple is coupling on the tv. lol. joannalyn is watching y tu mama tambien. we miss you tita eds.

coping
hehe. sabi ko sa kaibigan ko parang hindi ko pa siya nadatnan na coping. ;)

ako naman, malinaw sa akin ang aking mga coping. halimbawa, sa kalagitnaan ng panonood ng sineng Ray, na masakit sa puso, naisipan kong mamalantsa (parang light bulb moment: aha mamamalantsa ako!). dahil mahaba ang sine, malapit ko nang matapos ang mga paplantsahin.

ang galing galing galing naman ng nanay ni Ray Charles Robinson! relax at watch a movie Ray kayo.

on the other side of the planet
finally in a few hours, we're going for our beach break, intentionally delayed. we think it's non-conformist to go when everyone else is heading home. also, there were other things i wanted to do, another person i wanted to be with (promise).

we're going to the other side of "planet" ligpo. two years ago, we were perched on top of ligpo island enjoying the breeze and the full moon shining above the mountains. i remember messaging magya who was by the chico river, and jean about that.

i hope tomorrow, by the side of the mountain, we still get to see the full moon. we promise not to cavort hehehe.

actually, d and i have this image of our disconsolate selves by the beach or on the bus. or maybe that's just me and b, being separately disconsolate together (gin dalahig) while d daydreams away.

full moon
dear full moon, please take care of those whom i have unintentionally slighted. (OA but true :) ) they are very dear to me.

roommie actually said: it will take a few years for you to adjust to each other's quirks.

ahhh, she is speaking from experience. at times, i am the most difficult person in the world.

thus sang parokya: sorry na talaga kung ako'y medyo tanga.

for it is as perennial as the grass

Max Ehrmann


Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.


Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.


Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.


Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.


You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.


Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.


With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.


Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

all in a day

Post ng walang magawa :P

I had coffee
Nuked some chicken
Boiled some veggies, made some rice
slurped a strawberry shake
was takam at the boss' brunch
so had some of her corned beef
omelet and rice
ordered sashimi and
one san mig light
(no rice)
picked at Rachel's pork bbq
taste-tested a pizza slice
and picked at Joanna's tocino.

at home, had a mango.

Mga Habilin :)

Sinabi ko doon sa isa kong minahal na kaibigan, sana kahit anong mangyari, puwede pa rin tayo magsabihan sa isa’t isa. ‘Yon ‘yong isa sa aming mga usapan. (Kahit di siya kumibo naramdaman ko ang kanyang pag-sangayon o di kaya sobrang overactive lang talaga ang aking imagination). Iniisip ko pa kung paano ko tutuparin ang aming mga usapan (hehe). Marahil ay magiging malinaw din kung papaano.

Ang bilin ko naman doon sa isa, sana ay huwag niyang kalimutan kung paano niya ako nakilala. Ang ibig kong sabihin, kung sino ako na nakilala niya :). (Pinakilala ko kasi talaga ang sarili ko sa kanya dahil iba ang inisip niyang ako. Pinaghirapan kong i-explain ang sarili ko at believe you me, ang pag-eexplain ay di madaling gawin at hindi ginagawa para sa lahat.) Nakakatuwa naman at sa tingin ko ay natutupad niya ito.

Kaya ikaw. Huwag mo akong kalimutan :).

***

And a good idea.

I would love to be invited to his wedding :D, and to attend with the one I love. Hmmm, how to finagle an invitation from an ex. Hahaha.

The other night, I was reminded of him, and I laughed out loud missing how we knew each other. He's one of the few people in the world who truly knows how buang I can be. Plus I really inherited a lot of his sense of humor (it was during my formative years when I was more malleable, hahahaha). I miss being friends with him, and the feeling that someone knows you really really well, and that’s perfect (no stress no worries just friendship).

We used to be quite good friends, and hung out sometimes. It's just he's one of those guys who decides to concentrate on his girlfriend when he's got one, perhaps to avoid trouble, and perhaps because he's a busy man. Still, I would be happy if we got back into friendship again. I have yet to be friends with an ex and their significant other. I think I would enjoy it too :), good vibes and affection all around. After all, we all choose each other so why shouldn't the people we choose choose each other too?

it's all working out ok :)

all of this afternoon, i was again tucked in a corner, doing my presentation for work. a colleague acted as tech support (actually he was just bored and had nothing better to do than look over my shoulder at the pc :P). i finished about two hours before i was due to report :P. photo-finish again, yup yup. but i had my reasons.

the day before that, in that very same corner, i created my own little world, answering stat exercise questions and organizing therapy notes. with my right hand, i swatted off kulit colleagues merely wanting to get a rise out of studious me. with my left, i shielded my face from other colleagues who undoubtedly deserved my efforts and attention except that i really could not address them just yet. priorities, priorities. tomorrow is another day :D

the day before that, i tackled a report for work. and the day before that day i speed-read thru 16 chapters of a book for an exam i needed to pass. and the day before that, read a reading (it crackled as a pillow).

the end thus far is that i think i did well in one exam, did ok in the one i needed to pass, finished my reports, went to my classes, and spent some time with the people i wanted to spend time with.

:D. i still have WORK to do, but if i keep up with this pace, i'll hopefully wipe the slate clean soon.

summer and promises

Things I want to do this summer
(list #2, pansy fancy version ;)

1. live in the moment of every day
2. enjoy my upcoming summer class, six intense days. (i can picture it in my mind, and i can't wait)
3. aim: a kick-ass end to an eight-year career (ay!). meaning, i can also picture, for the month of april, less six intense summer class days and six intense weekend days (two of the class days are Saturdays), the sum total of 18 intense workdays. and so on in the month of May.
4. it looks like, from where i am right now, i might be able to sneak a few days off to region six in May :) ha! Bora Bora Bora Bora Bora (hear the drumbeat for Bora, gfs and bfs?). am not sure yet though. as am sure all of you know, things can change any second :)
5. try not to take too many unnecessary taxi-rides (hehe, my concession to love)
6. enjoy the pleasure of your company, girls and boys you, and mine too :)


In the next three weeks starting from today, things could go haywire ;-)MERCURY RETROGRADE
For the next three weeks -- and you'd better sit down for this -- you
won't be able to connect, compute or get where you want to go with ease.
It's not you, it's Mercury. Have plan B and plan C ready at all times.

I want to promise myself some guidelines for the time when the planet Mercury moves backward in the sky:
1. Exercise patience, and live and let go :)
2. Enjoy every moment of every day.
3. Double-check arrangements, and live and let go :)
4. Did I say continue my walking-prayer-meditations? ;-)
5. Be grateful (thank you!)
6. Give and receive love, and let go :)
7. Leave it to the angels ;) (galingan niyo angels ha. hehehe what a Capricorn admonishment.)

And now am off to my working weekend. Am late na. Lol!

si K na alam ang lahat

pardon me if i make up new words as i go along :P

kasi sinabi ko gusto ko maging peministang-sikolohista, sabi ni K, hetong sa'yo, matuto ka nga diyan kung seryoso ka talaga.

kasi minsan nagsasayang ako ng panahon kaya ngayon naghahabol ako ng oras, kaya sabi ni K, hetong sa'yo, basahin mo yan para ma-inspire ka, at heto pa, kilalanin mo para matuto ka.

kasi minsan masyado akong maraming inaalala o pagaalinlangan kaya sabi ni K, hetong teacher mo ngayon para matuto ka sa kanya ng power of now, at hetong mga kaklase mo, sabay kayong matututo. at heto pa siya na marunong magbigay ng buong puso sa bawa't sandali.

tapos, sabi pa ni K, ano na nga yong binubulong-bulong mo sa tabi na ayaw mo ng ________, at sana may parang __________, para puwedeng ________. hetong sa'yo.

at sa marami pang dahilan, at basta lang, ang galing talaga ni K.

sabi niya pati, enjoy mo ha.

sabi ko naman -- sabay kislap ng mata -- oo ba.

looking back

looking back, i am REALLY happy that i said i love you when i did a year or so ago. :)

tanned brown with green eyes

ahh, that monster, you know. that strikes like a dagger to your craw. do you kill it, do you slay it? do you feed it, justify it? is it cool? is it love? is it stuff, baggage you're carrying around?

what to do with jealousy? what's the dish on possesiveness?

1. go off the deep end.
Like what Grace Adler did in last Saturday's episode of Will and Grace. When she realized that Diane, her hubby Leo's ex, Diane, was the very same Diane, the only woman Will has ever had sex with, Grace saw red. She went off to the kitchen and chopped the life out of all the tomatoes. She screamed, "Dinner's ready!" when the tomatoes were juice.

2. scold the issue away
In his book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey tells the story of his little daughter's birthday party and how the little guests wanted to borrow the new toys his daughter had received as gifts. Now, Stephen, being known as a relationship guru got self-conscious that the parents present at the party were wondering how he would deal with the issue, whether he could make his daughter share. So he went up to her and asked her to share. She wouldn't though, she flatly refused, and kept on clutching the toys to her chest.

3. deny it
When it really bothers me, I truly can't deny it :).

4. confess it
Though I hated having to do it, but in the spirit of being true to my suffering self, I did tell a gf a few years back when I was jealous as hell... err uncomfortable and unhappy... that she and this guy I yearned for ... were chatting. Hahahaha, silly but true. I was not at all ready to share him, even with people I love!

So.

Later, when he had some time to think about what happened, Stephen said he should have not scolded his daughter. Instead, at that moment, he should have allowed her the feeling of possession. He said he should have just deflected the kids' attention from his daughter and given her the space and time to fully possess her new gifts and toys. He said that when his daughter would have fully claimed ownership of the toys, then she would have been free to share the toys with the other kids.

A teacher of mine also said that people find it easier to forgive when they are happy or secure. So I guess, in the same vein, it is harder to get jealous when one is secure :). When happy and secure, sharing's a cinch.

That's why it was never an issue for Grace that Diane was Leo's ex. She knew that Leo loved her. What hurt was that Diane had gone to bed with Will,and Grace and Will, who loved each other fiercely, and knew each other inside out, who had always been there for each other, had never gotten it on. Will is gay but how come Diane?!

Awww, poor Grace.

But Will did say, just when Grace was about to chop Diane to pieces at the dinner table, that Diane had meant nothing. That he cared about Grace. That in fact, Diane and Will happened when they were drunk, and Will was grieving over Grace. Spent the entire day at Jack's crying over Grace.

So Grace was mollified, and the green monster shrank and disappeared into thin air.

As for me, the problem with confessing to gf, was putting some of the burden on gf. I knew that gf loved me, loves me still, and wouldn't do anything unknowingly to hurt me. Still, it's a no-no to stop people from getting to know each other, and I knew that.

Stephen's story was reassuring because it affirmed what I thought then. That the reason I felt so jealous, gf, was because I never knew where I stood with that cutie :P He was never mine to share, and that was a particularly sticky time. Thank you for bearing with me then.

and all I want to say is that when the green monster pops up in your face, be patient with yourself, getting over jealousy is a process. it's great when the people you're having issues with love you, and will sit with you thru your stuff but it's not always the case. some things you have to sit out alone.

fill yourself with love, and stay away from sharp objects. :P

salamat po

super busy pero mag blog pa rin.

ito na dapat ang "hell week" ng aking 2005 so far pero hindi talaga hell, parang heaven. hehehe. hindi nayayanig ng mahabang listahan ng kailangang gawin ang aking katahimikan. enjoy nga eh.

gifted yata ako this 2005. sunod sunod ang gifts -- blessed pala ang ibig kong sabihin ;-) -- may grace, may love, may clear skies straight onto the Pacific Coast Highway, ay Katipunan Road. kaya gusto ko lang iparating kay Kabunian, maraming salamat. napapansin ko kung gaano na ako ka "gifted." gagawin ko ang aking makakaya para hindi masayang? para lumago pa ang mga biyaya.

humayo na't magparami.

Para kay Bryan

Si Bryan na walang malay. Hehehe.

I have lately concluded, Bryan, that love is not for the faint of heart.

So I pray and wish for a heart as big as the ocean, as wide as the sky, to encompass all that is you.

;-)

Paano kasi, 'yang si Bryan na 'yan mahal ko.

P.S. Atin atin lang. Wag sabihin kay Bryan.

opo opm

Paumanhin (paumanhin ba talaga?) sa lahat ng kakilala kong ayaw kay Regine V. Hindi ako fan, promise. Kaso lang meron kasi siyang napupunuang pangangailangan. Gaya ng pagkanta nito, na mas sweet ang dating dahil babae ang kumakanta. Bagama't gusto ko rin ang Rivermaya, para kasing neurosis pag male version.

ang ating ending
hatid sa bahay n'yo
sabay goodnight, sabay may kiss
sabay bye-bye
...
sa school sa flag ceremony
hanggang uwian araw-araw
hinahanap-hanap kita
hinahanap-hanap kita
at kahit na magka-anak kayo't
magkatuluyan balang araw
hahanap-hanapin ka

At di ba ang cutie lang ng Harana that goes:

Uso pa ba ang harana
Marahil ikaw ay nagtataka
Sino ba 'tong mukhang GAGA
Nagkandarapa sa pagkanta
At nasisintonado sa kaba

di tumapik sa dingding

hahaha.

naguguilty ako.

naguguilty ako na si binky ay hindi tumapik sa dingding, gaya ng inadvertise namin kay HB. nagbago na pala siya HB, nakikipagkumustahan na lang daw siya, at naglalagaw, hindi na tumatapik sa dingding o di kaya sa poste.

si Binky talaga.

si Binky talaga, mali ang timing. kumanta ba naman nung meron pa akong gustong gawing iba.

o baka ako 'yun?

lambing nation continues on music trip

Today it's Apo ;-)

Minsan kahit na pilitin mong uminit ang damdamin
Di siya susunod, at di maglalambing
...
At kahit na anong gawin
Di mo na mapilit at madaya
Aminin sa sarili mo
Na wala ka ng mabubuga


I remember when I explained Apo Hiking Society to Ate Nina. It was a huge task, suddenly urgent, to explain to someone in the process of discovering and defining her Filipino self, an institution such as Apo, something we've grown up with and have much respect and affection for. And something that needs familiarity with the Filipino language. Something that shows just how sweet and loving we can be (as in "Pare, I love you!" Hehehe!).


AbM7 Bb7/Ab Gm7 Cm
Mahal kita, mahal kita, hindi ito bola
Fm7 Bb7 Bbm7/Eb Eb7
Ngumiti ka man lang sana ako'y nasa langit na
AbM7 Bb7/Ab Gm7 Cm
Mahal kita, mahal kita, hindi ito bola
Fm7 (Fm/D) G pause (Intro once)
Sumagot ka naman 'wag lang ewan.

Em7 Am7 Em7 Am7
Sana naman itigil mo na 'yang
Dm Dm7 G7sus G7
Kakasabi ng ewan at anong bola na naman 'yan
Em7 Am7 Em7 Am7
Bakit ba ganyan, binata'y di alam
Dm Dm7 G7sus G7
Na ang ewan ay katulad na rin ng oong inaasam


A few years hence, I'm at my computer, nagpapakabingi sa Apo. Ate Nina, however, has long since learned to belt out Apo, and Eheads to her heart's content given a mic and a videoke machine. And strum the guitar too.

a Wonder

Who doesn't love Stevie Wonder will run out of toilet paper for a year. Hehehe.

Katuwaan

Dahil kami ay sadyang malandi at sadyang mababaw, naging matagumpay ang aming pagpapaligaya sa mga kapekpek, este kabaro, dito sa opisina.

Una may I give kami ni HB sa bawat ka-vagina ng one stem pink mums with matching pink ribbon. Yong guapo at charming kong inaanak, si Aemon, ang nag-distribute. Pati nga yong sister na tiga kabilang dako ng V. Luna, binilhan namin at madalas nagtatampo pag wala siyang pasalubong.

Pagkatapos, pinamudmod namin yong ¾ pan ng sticky brownies at inilabas ang piece de resistance ng aming spontaneous women’s day spirit, ang Hidden Book of Birthdays ni Judith Turner. Ayun, walang tigil na ang katuwaan habang kinilatis namin isa-isa ang mga psychic revelations na nakasulat tungkol sa bawat isa sa amin. Nagpa-xerox pa nga ang karamihan!

Siyempre pa, meron akong paboritong mga linya doon sa aking profile: You will have the sensitivity to maintain long-lasting relationships, the sensuality to ignite great passion, and the common sense to enjoy them both.

Naks naman. Ako ba yon? Ako nga yata ;-) Hahahaha.

to the women in my life, and to those in yours ...

CHEERS!

"No journey carries one far, unless, as it extends into the world around us, it goes an equal distance into the world within." -- Lilian Smith, The Journey.

To our journeys! To women!

HAPPY WOMEN'S DAY.

the travel agent is away

According to my schedule, I'm supposed to read and internalize two chapters of my textbook a night for the next 5 nights. I have to pace myself for the next two weeks because in the rulebook of Life's Like That, everything comes to a pass all in the same time period. To name most:

1. two exams on the same days as our Board meeting
2. an integration paper
3. letters to all my classmates
4. and many of the prep requirements for our women's launch at the end of the month.

Plus I try to avoid missing significant amounts of sleep because in that way I can ensure I'll be in a good mood however busy I may be.

Which means I don't have the time to arrange our Our Annual Holy Trip to the Beach, as I have done most years :). Pity, it's one of the things I really like to do in a year. Hehe. Volunteer coordinators most welcome ;-). I'll prepare my sunblock.

the odd fascinations

I am obsessed with serendipity, the color orange and the number 9. Have a look at Andrea's nice entry on odd fascinations.

Here’s mine.

I am obsessed with the way jeans or slacks fit over a man’s lower abs (and no lower promise), I find it moving. Weird but true. Especially when these aren’t pleated trousers, and aren’t high waist. Ang cute. I liked Jamie Wilson's black slacks in The Blue Room.

I am obsessed with my solitary Sundays in my windy house. I. Love. It. Particularly when it gets really really hot and I am inside, looking out, reading.

I am obsessed with astrology, at guessing people’s sun signs from how they behave, and reveling in how people’s being can be so different, and how interesting it is when everyone gets together with all their differences, and start creating different universes.

I am obsessed with reading, in that not a day goes by when I don’t read at least a page of a book. It’s as essential as breathing.

I am obsessed with airplanes, earthquakes and good driving :P

I am obsessed with summer, bikinis, and staring swimming smiling at the sea.

I am obsessed with finding the connection between things, people and places :P

I am obsessed with learning to be a better me, no matter how much it vexes me. Hehe.

summer break. see you.

catch

Sometimes I catch myself blaming it all/ mostly on the other person. And I am grateful that I catch myself doing so. After all, we’re all the same – spiritual beings undergoing a human experience, and no one is better than the other. We have conjured up the realities of ourselves and these people in our lives so that we may learn, so that our buttons may be pushed, so that we can say ouch! Or sigh happily.

The least and the most we can do, is extend each other the kindness of being. All right, go on, be yourself!

And I’ll be me. Fleeting, feeling, thinking, being.

(Eating, eating, eating! Hehehehe!)

usap with tita e

ok lang sa akin naiiyak, tumatawa, natutuwa, nagmamahal, nagdidiskusyon, at pati na rin ang walang kailangan sabihin.

gusto ko ang nakakausap at nakakaladkad, at kung ano pang puwedeng idagdag.

ayaw ko ang inaabandona at inaaway ng walang dahilan. gusto kong malaman kung bakit, para kasali pa rin ako.

hehehe.

lyrics freak

my favorite lines in Sister Hazel's Life Got in the Way used to be:

And I wanted you so much
Just like I do right now
I wanted us to be the one
The poets write their books about
I wanted it to last
I wanted to grow old
But life got in the way

Now, it's this:

We knew it all from a little thing
It was everything in our first minute
And it took us to another place
Yeah another place and we fell in it
How dare you not remember
How dare you walk away
We adored every little thing
Every little thing would leave us breathless
Every dawn split another day
And in another day we weren’t so restless
How dare you not remember
How dare you walk away

:D i lab lyrics! don't you?

love song for the new month of March

You’ve got to give a little, take a little,
And let your poor heart break a little.
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.

You’ve got to laugh a little, cry a little,
Until the clouds roll by a little.
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.

As long as there’s the two of us,
We’ve got the world and all it’s charms.
And when the world is through with us,
We’ve got each other’s arms.

You’ve got to win a little, lose a little,
Yes, and always have the blues a little.
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.

THE GLORY OF LOVE
Bette Midler

Movie Mad

Because (1) because (2) because (3), kinda went movie-mad last week. Here's what I have to say:

Kilig ako sa love and friendship ng dalawang bida sa Sideways. Inaalagaan nila ang isa't isa. Cutie.

Tama si Hitch (Will Smith) na pagalitan ang mga lalaking hindi nakikinig sa mga sinasabi ng mga babaeng kanilang napupusoan. Listen carefully, no does not mean try harder. It means no.

Love is the pleasure of your company in my life, ang drama sa Phantom of the Opera. Everywhere you go let me go too, love me, that's all I ask of you.

Tawang-tawa ako kay Luisa noong nanggagalaiti siya kay Tenoch at Julio sa Y Tu Mama Tambien. Sabi niya kasi, sa totoo lang, gusto nilang dalawa ang isa't isa! Haha!

Super amazed ako kay Howard Hughes, ayon sa nalaman ko tungkol sa kanya sa Aviator. May fear of flying pa naman ako, eh siya crash ng crash di namamatay. Wala man lang parachute.

Di ko na nahabol ang A Very Long Engagement (nasa Iloilo na), at Ray, (nandiyan lang pero kailangan ko na magtrabaho) at Alfie(nasa Bacolod naman). Oy, pahiram, pahingi ng DVD. Hehe.

(1) dahil
(2) gusto ko
(3) makalimot

hehehe! :P

Happy Monday

Ahay, naluyag ka sa akon? Nasadyahan ko for you.
(Ahay, you’re in love with me? I’m happy for you.)

Hehe! Imagined this conversation, and thought it a fitting and wonderful response for a me in love with a someone or a someone in love with me. Because:

~Very often one can’t help falling in love or with whom or at what time (but you can help what to do about it)
~Falling in love is such an intense experience, impossible for the person in love to ignore or deny to one’s self
~It’s a SUPER minefield of insights and lessons
~And, all too often it’s really about the feeler rather than the object of, promise. (Promise, promise, you’ve heard it before, you’ll hear it again, you’re responsible for your feelings! :P )

So there! Enjoy the ride, the rollercoaster comes to a stop soon enough. ;-)

Stuff a Capricorn takes to the Pool

1. self-help book for class
2. tortillos and potato chips, the ones we forgot to take to tagaytay
3. sunblock, goggles, shampoo, soap, lotion
4. sarong for the recliner
5. pen and paper
6. drinking water
7. moolah
8. change of undies, and clothes
9. HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK.

Hahaha. The last one for the edification of friends. I dug it out the other night after a barrage of emails on the high school egroup about our erstwhile prom song.

Anyway, I loved the day at the pool.

We were the only ones by it, in it.
I did so feel I needed some exercise and swim, I did! 'Twas good! Great! Particularly because we got to the pool earlier this time, and the sun was still good.

It was funny how the pool would fill with leaves every time a breeze shook a nearby tree. Poor Ramon had his work cut out for him this "autumn".

It was funny how we kept convincing Ramon that the pool would overflow! It did look like it! But he paid us no heed!

It was funny how we sang all the nice love songs we could think of. I did every time I came up for air!

It was funny how we were -- sat or dozing by the recliners with books, swimming, munching, singing.

Ahhh, the good Saturday life.

how lovely

that my fuschia top peeks out beneath my black sweater :)

that am going swimming in five hours :)

that i can sleep all afternoon after swimming :)

or watch y tu mama tambien :)

that i can after all swim to the serenity within me :) (even though the reasons for being aggravated never end)

that this weekend am working on my personal mission statement for class

that being aggravated has pushed me to do many good things just to stop myself being aggrieved (hehehe)

that life goes on :)

that i discovered ice monsters for the first time

that i found copies of two books on my class reading list

that the answers to my work dilemmas mentioned earlier this year are beginning to show :)

that work is working out, and people are working together (yehey)

that you should watch phantom of the opera the 2004 movie, and sing "Anywhere you go
let me go too ... Love me - that's all I ask of you ..."

that i'm beautiful, and so are you ;-)

wait lang wait lang wait lang

and before i finally go... to the lovely night that awaits me... and my light-blue chinelas! ... PA KANTA NGA ULIT! Isang stanza lang ;-)


I've got it all,
it seems, for all it means to me,
But I sing of things I miss
and things that used to be.
And I wonder every night
if you might just miss me too,
And I sing for you I sing for you.

speech

Para sa blogging at para sa summer

Sa totoo lang, nagbo-blog ako para may lagayan ako ng mga kung anu-anong bagay na nasa isip ko. Minsan kasi masyado nang maingay sa loob ng aking ulo, kailangan may lagayan para maka-move on. Kaya tama rin sabihin na di ako nagbo-blog dahil gusto kong magsulat o di kaya dahil gusto kong magkuwento. Mas madalas, nagbo-blog ako para para huminga ng mas malalim o para makahinga ng mabuti.

Kaya huwag na lang kayo magtaka kung nagbo-blog ako ng puro di malinaw. Just thinking aloud :) is all. Lagi nga nangyayari na pagka-post na pagka-post ko, nalagpasan ko na ang kung anumang isyu na pinroblema ko. At may bago na naman. May mga moods na mabilis lang lumipas, meron namang pabalik-balik, meron ding parang smog sa Metro Manila, di na matanggal-tanggal. Wala lang, ganito na talaga ako.

On the whole, masayahin akong tao, kahit di man yon halata (Baka kasi nakasimangot ako nung nakita mo ako. Mahirap na kasi ang laging nakangiti, mas lalong gumaganda hehehe). Di kasi ako masyadong mukhang excitable pero sa totoo lang, nahirapan akong manatiling malungkot kahit sa mga araw na malungkot ako. May tonic water yata sa dugo ko. Lagi ko pa rin nakikita ang masaya o di kaya ang nakakatawa.

Halimbawa na lamang ang araw na ito, o di kaya kahapon. SUMMER NA. Sinabi ko na ba kung gaano ko ka mahal ang summer? Naluyag ako sa summer! Kakaiba ang feeling pag summer! Kahit sobra na akong naiinitan at ang feeling mo kapag nasa labas ka ay para kang sinusunog ng araw, magaan ang loob ko kapag summer. Kahit na tumatagaktak ang pawis. Bad trip lang ako kapag di ako nakakapunta ng dagat. Kaya mahirap manatiling malungkot dahil simula kahapon, summer na talaga.

Gusto ko na nga bumili ng tsinelas na naman. At ang dami ko pang mga white na shirts and shorts left over from last year's summer. Yehey, eh ano ngayon pakialam ko kung maglalabasan na naman ang love handles ko. Basta summer na naman at masaya ako.

recalcitrant but willing

te sige ah.
indi na lang.

i give up.
(naks, ;-))

i surrender to whatever it is
the universe deems
a better idea.

am gonna fade away into the very walls
(they could be pink).

happy weekend
a very long engagement with myself.
(the movie currently escaping me)

here's to a long hot
sweltering passionate
smouldering summer.

didn't i just say
i give up?
yes, but i've always said yes to life ;-).

summer na, swim ta!

tara, kanta tayo :)

It's The Lover (not The Love)
Tiffany (Greatest Hits)

He broke your heart and said goodbye
After promising forever
You wonder why you even tried
He was such a good pretender

The love you gave was all in vain
And nothing anyone can say
Could ever make you love that way again

It's the lover not the love
Who broke your heart last night
It's the lover not the dream
That didn't work out right
If you listen to your heart
You'll know it's true
It's the lover not the love
Who deserted you

Don't stop reachin' for the stars
Let tomorrow live inside you
And just remember who you are
Keep the faith and love will find you

It's the lover not the love
Who broke your heart last night
It's the lover not the dream
That didn't work out right
If you listen to your heart
You'll know it's true
It's the lover not the love
Who deserted you

It does no good to second guess
Whether love is wrong or right
If it was really meant to be
He'd be with you tonight

It's the lover not the love
Who broke your heart last night
It's the lover not the dream
That didn't turn out right
If you listen to your heart
You'll know it's true
It's the lover not the love
Who deserted you

permission granted

letting go is just another way to say i'll always love you soooooo ;-)

mwahahaha. inappropriate song lyric for my thoughts below but anyway....

i remember when a gf of mine -- her precious heart for pete's sake! -- was being sorely taken advantage of by this undeserving guy!!!!!! (hehehe! wala bang bastusan ng minahal?) i was soooo mad, i couldn't help myself, i intervened and gave the guy the full benefit of my opinions! ... however, when precious gf herself became mad for herself, i completely stopped being angry (oooops i think much to gf's bewilderment at that time.) i was happy that she was able to stand up for herself already, and let the anger go myself. :)

i remember when i felt another gf was hurt unduly!!!!! i was sooo mad and with me it always always shows. but a wise person said, let your gf experience this thing for herself, and learn from it what she needs to learn. so there, i too let it go, and felt much better, assured by the advice.

so now that another friend seems to be feeling better about the world, i can now allow myself to be piqued at him. hahahaha! even for just a moment or two ;-).

happy full moon in pisces, kiddies.

February 24: Full Moon in Pisces
Once again, it's time for the emotional Moon to shine her bright light on a tender issue. The topic this time will be intuition. If your antennae tell you to let something go, let it go -- no matter how difficult that might be. This full Moon is in Pisces, which means that we're all going to act according to our gut reactions. Don't argue with yourself. Listen to that voice in the back of your brain. It's time to forget facts and concentrate on what's really important.

right? right?

a friend showed me a pic of an ex-crush of hers. he looks like this guy we know, or this guy we know looks like him (the ex-crush is way cuter). funny because a few months back, i also told this same friend of mine that a guy she was dating then reminded me also of the same guy we know. but the difference was, the date and the guy-we-know seemed the same way as opposed to looked the same way -- they slouched the same way, behaved the same way ... isn't it interesting how people can seem alike in different ways? :D

also, sometimes when a new guy comes into my life (not that one has ;-) really really) it's funny how all my ex-men (not many) seem to rise up within me, particularly the most recent one, whoever he may be. it's like you're playing an old-new cd, he's new but he will remind you of those who were there before him. truly, we live in many parallel universes.

sometimes i feel sad because the best-thing-since-coffee-crumble-ice-drop has left the playground without me. and so i'm left sitting in the corner of the now deserted playground licking a coffee crumble ice drop.

the capricorn horoscope for today says: The universe has temporarily bestowed super powers upon you. What kind? Well, take a peek in your cosmic utility pack. There's even more of the ability to organize, categorize and systemize. Scary, huh? Just don't get crazy with it. If you find you're making lists of your lists, it might be time to lie down for a while. That really would be more than slightly over the top.

haha! i think this is like LITERALLY PHYSICALLY true of Capricorn environments. I know of many who have piles and piles of things they have organized categorized and systemized.

now, it's not time to lie down, but time to spoon the small glass of frosteeee an officemate brought me. yihee!

giving boyet problems

went downstairs to wash my glasses. boyet - choy to me - by the sink.

nagkaon ka na nang? -- Have you had lunch, 'Nang?
wala pa, Choy. -- Not yet, Choy.
ano man, wala ka pa nagkaon? -- But why not?
wala. tamaran ko magkaon Choy. -- I don't feel like it, Choy.
baw, biskan diutay lang, para lang may sulod ba ang tiyan. -- You need to eat, even just a little. You need to put something in your stomach.
hehe, pa ugtas ta ka Choy? -- Hehe, am I giving you problems Choy?

running water

Bato bato sa langit, ang tamaan, 'wag gumanti. Hehehehe.

Weepy at the end of a long happy day, thinking about people I love.

You, with whom I’ve scarcely talked about the love of my present life. We chatted earlier and telling you everything on my chest was as natural as breathing. I’ve only really left you notes here and there because we haven’t had time to talk lately but everything was just a matter of course. I never even needed to explain myself, just told you the most recent parts of my continuing story. And it’s not like I met up with you only last week. (Because I haven’t and we can’t.)

You, I loved you! :) You who hardly ever expresses how you feel not even to yourself and yet cuddle each night like a baby, like cuddling is the only way to sleep and wake up. You can never make me believe that someone who cuddles like that has no feelings and does not care. Oh my beloved with the fragile heart and of the funny chats. I know you because I too am you.

You, who broke your heart while we were both away? What is it that makes you so sad only you can talk about it with yourself? I cry because I miss you, and it’s not even as if we have the most brilliant conversations all the time (sometimes we do) or that we’ve found the equilibrium of who we are (because we haven’t) or that at this time we are already each other’s comfort (because we’re not, we have other people, and ourselves for that). Still I wish that we were more firmly in each other’s lives.

You, who has seen me through all of my more recent goodbyes, and my more recent highs, who knows like you know the palm of your hand, what’s important and what’s not, when’s the day to say good luck, and when’s the day to ask how I am, keeper of all the stories and tales.

You who messaged back if it would be ok to get back to me midweek if you’d have time this week to watch that movie miniseries you asked me to watch with you because you would rather have realtime feedback. Awwww, how cute.

You, and you, who both messaged me you love me yesterday. In case the wind blows west, chester, or even though the sedate Capricorn is a drama queen, honeybun. You would be happy with whatever would make me happy – London, Quezon City, New York (lol).

You who called me repeatedly before we last talked even though the phone remained unanswered forever. You called and we talked about this and that, never mentioning things best left in the past, because we’re truly good for good.

You who persists in sharing with me all your stories though I may share mine or not, though I may stick to my silent self or not (I’ve lately experienced what you may feel with me), though I may be with you or not. Together we hold up our own patch of the sky.

You who adores me from afar, and it’s not as if you and I didn’t know it. (Te sige lang ah. Anhon ta lang kay amo lang gid na ya :-D.)

And you, even you, who persists in taking offense (in private and as tall as mountains) at the issues I raise. My special talent seems to be pressing all your buttons though I only start with the intention of showing how you to love me more. Look at me, my hands are raised in surrender, I mean no offense no battle

And that will be all for tonight, as the taps have finally run dry. (Oh, bless.)

busy buang

it is a most cheerful day ladies and gentlemen for no reason that i can think of except for a nice change. i feel irrepressibly back to my old self today. or back to my irrepressible self. you know that yahoo emoticon fluttering her lashes? that's me. which is not to say that i've lost my other newer self but am quite back for now. i lack sleep my back hurts and i've got deadlines a mile long but i feel so

*flutter flutter flutter*

hehehe. let's party!
(gasp)

Bed or Bust

A friend and I have launched a contest! Cutest and coziest bed! Mine or his! Lol.

This is my blog and I declare that I have won the contest.

Hihihi. We've not been in each other's beds, unfortunately.

Para sa Sinumang May Pakinabang sa Mga Sumusunod

1. Wag pilitin ang ayaw. Pero pag gusto mo talaga, di sige pilitin mo. Hanggang magsawa ka sa kapipilit. Tapos iyakan mo na para pagkatapos nang parang mamamatay ka na sa lungkot at pangungulila, ok ka na ulit. Hehe.

2. Hayaan mo lang ang lahat ng mga minamahal mo – yong mga taong you care for ;-) – hayaan mo lang silang magkamali, kahit pa nga paminsan minsan ay magdurugo ang puso nila. Alalay lang. Basta ba matibay ang kanilang pagkilala at pagtingin sa sarili, ok lang sila. Matutuwa sila sa iyo dahil pinapayagan mo silang maging tao – bukas, bulnerable at natututo. At ibibigay din nila sa iyo ang ganoong espasyo, kasi pati din naman ikaw magkakamali. Hehe, walang lusot kaibigan. At saka, di ka naman mapapamahal sa taong perpekto di ba?

3. May pangatlo pero nakalimutan ko na. Wahahaha.

online my self

it's not all balance and groundedness around here.

i allow myself my little amusements.

like staying up all night for no reason just because i like the feeling of going to bed at six in the morning just when your head is about to burst from sleepiness. it's straight on to oblivion, no side trips!

more often, it's staying on the internet forever, until my eyes bulge out, and i have no choice but to stay away, to go away and stare at ... what were once green fields... anything but the flaming screen!

like today, i think am going to need to walk off all this tinkering time.

:D :P :-))

truth is

truth is, mommy should have just taken the keys with her. she should have a set of keys to her house :).

but i insisted they swing by school to give me the keys so I could say goodbye at the very lastest.

in the Philippines, it's not goodbye when there's even one free second left till goodbye. lol.

i'll send you a set of keys, promise.

just checking in via Louis

am still alive.
the fridge needs rearranging.
the laundry needs sortin'
chores need doing
and there are deadlines to meet.
work is welcome in a steady pace.

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

there's even a laptop that needs tweaking
(and voices inside my head whisper dsl)
books to read, miles to walk and meditate,
blessings to be grateful for.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

i look up at the four pm gently sunny sky, weepy
listen to the songs, listen to more new songs
think about what to do with you
conclude the best thing is to be me

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.

saturday afternoon.

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

:) when a smile can mean more than a million useless words, i smile.

at that time

at that time it was
the funniest and most embarassing thing
in the world and though the memory
left my cheeks pink and hot
i survived, laughing,
and applauded myself for my nerve.

(we even chuckled about it together, long after)

now, i am still laughing but ever
wary and weary of rebuff, the slightest
hint (even nothing mistaken as no)
clams me up, safe and traumatized
and, oh no dear me, oh no.
yes will do and it would be wonderful.

february

I live on the edge of tears, in the well of love, on the brink of laughter, in a sea of amusement, in an ocean of affection, within the rise and fall of tides, of sadness, in pools of loneliness, bathed in sunlight, in sin, in hope and vanity, steeped in the cool cellars of honesty and acceptance.

I live.

Wala Diri

Kanami kay nahidlaw ko sa imo.
Kag biskan nahidlaw ko
Wala sing kulang sa akon
Sa amo ni nga tinion.

Indi ko daw mapatay.
Indi man daw gapangita sang atensyon
Nga daw na-adik sa kilig kag
Gapangita dugang.

Indi man daw nakulbaan.
Wala gapangita pag-aruga
Nga daw gapilit sa sigurado nga
Ginahalinan sang pagpalangga.

Indi ah.
Nahidlaw ko sa imo
Kag nanamian nga kanami man gali
Sang may ginahidlawan.

hakhakhak

oo. totoo. salamat. sa capricorn-v, capricorn-v, capricorn-v episodes!

hahahahahahaha! nakakatawa di ba? natawa ka naman kahit nalaglag na ang mga tenga mo di ba?

so wala lang talaga yong cancer-c episode na yon. masaya, parang mga tala na tinutulok. hehehe!

mom and me

Been spending time with mumsicle, and here are some observations:

1. kasing kulit, a friend calls it "super usisa." hehe!
2. super explain :D
3. super rearrange furniture :D
4. not to mention "hiyak-hiyak" tiyan in edsa traffic, and holding on to the handles for dear life.

iba ang may pinagmanahan :D

twice as

Sometimes I feel like I "graduated" from one aspect of my life to "move on" to something that is at least twice as hard, or has the potential to be twice of everything -- twice as joyful, twice as sad, twice as hard.

But isn't that the point of evolution? Oh dearie, there's that point again.