tickle-licious

The Destiny
you match
most closely is
Advisor

At your core, you're meant to be an Advisor. You are 92% in line with the Advisor role. This indicates that you are a quiet and reserved person who loves to help others achieve their potential through interpersonal connections. Others value you for your wisdom, integrity, and sound advice, as well as your genuine concern for people's welfare. You are a thoughtful person, trust your gut feeling about things, and have extremely acute intuition. You are somewhat of a poet in your way of thinking, finding beauty and meaning in simple things. Because of your sensitivity and soft-spoken ways, you may experience mood swings and the inability to get out of bad situations from time to time. Just be aware of that and you will get stuck in fewer unsatisfying ruts.

As an Advisor, you are in good company with Martin Luther King, Jr., Oprah Winfrey, and Mother Theresa. Just as their destinies have a deep effect on their life paths, your destiny as an Advisor undoubtedly has a profound impact on every aspect of yours.

Professional Life
In your professional life, you will probably have the most joy in a career that allows you to interact with people. You tend to find satisfaction from helping others in their personal development. Whether it is in the area of medicine, teaching, counseling, ministry, or writing, you yearn to have a real impact in making the world a better place one person at a time. You have an ability to be a productive contributor to any organization and are willing to work hard to make things run smoothly. You tend to be a good listener, work well with others, and thrive in a positive environment.

Personal Life
In your personal life, you may tend to have a few, close friends, rather than a lot of superficial relationships. You would likely make a loyal partner who is affectionate, giving, and empathetic. You have an incredible capacity for love but a low tolerance for conflict. Advisors tend to be exceptionally devoted parents whose lives revolve around their children. This can be taken to the extreme, and so balance is crucial. Your children would typically feel very loved and cared for, while having a good sense of boundaries because of your firm but reasonable discipline. You long for a tranquil home life.

A Day in the Life of an Advisor
Being an Advisor will manifest itself in the many ways you view life and make decisions. For example, let's take a look at Jessica who is also an Advisor. She attended a prestigious university, and although quiet, she became a trusted friend to some in her dormitory. While she was reserved and not an outward leader, when freshmen had trouble adjusting to their new surroundings or were going through other emotional difficulties, they would often end up in Jessica's room to talk it out. She would often use poetic imagery when giving advice, lending the assurance that everything happened for a reason. Jessica was always genuinely concerned in these situations and would feel deeply for those she counseled. She once overheard someone gossiping negatively about her, and she was deeply hurt by this, making her even more withdrawn than usual. She had an intuitive sense about others and was able to see through facades easily. She went on to become an art therapist, working with children who had emotional problems.

What you and Jessica most likely have in common is a naturally strong desire to help others. Bravo!

heehee

by the hair of my chinneee chin chin

on the last day of my semester, made 203 hours of the required 200. heee heee heee.

The Queen of Swords card reversed suggests that putting up a wall may have served its purpose, but it might be time to let go of the false security that could be interfering in your love life. What was once a defense could now be reinforcing feelings of abandonment, irrational thinking or self-deception. It may take more will and courage to try again than to remain the long-suffering martyr. When you find you are tired of being right but alone, you can change your mind and find resolution or healing beginning with an honest acknowledgement of the situation, along with responsible and direct communication. Grieve for your losses and accept that love isn't perfect. An underlying belief that perfection can exist is what creates such disappointed expectations in the first place.

little did we/i know

maybe because the secret poet in me thrilled to the poet in you; no matter my news
knew that you too knew the blurred edges of melancholy; no matter too much:
licked it gingerly like a puppy would (wounded); at the edge of somewhere and far far away.

knew that in the unsaid: the iceberg, bonfire upon bonfire stoked against night
perhaps, i (thought i) knew that about you; did know that about you: and thus,
it is so; as always there is comfort in kindred: of course those birds knew what they were on about.

haaay. am depressed. there, i've said it.

i'm taking it as a sign that there are things to think about. you know, explore.

and as motivation to, more than ever, plod on. strive on. onward, christian soldiers.

nothing is more depressing to the depressed than standstill. it spirals. down.

but then again, what else is at the bottom, but the bottom?

besides, i've nothing much to be too depressed about. hehe.

except that i can't help but notice it, a constant companion hiding behind the columns.

probably signals a lifechange of some sort. what could i be ready for?

peebeebee

yes, i keep track of Pinoy Beeeg Beee!

but what's making me chuckle tonight is how sister is simply amazed at how "strange" the pinoy version is. like the issue of zeke and dionne being super close, and their "close encounters".

scene: 1 girl housemate giving zeke the third degree as to what he was doing getting the choclit from dionne's mouth [hahaha. it turned out she was ironing and the choclit was looong so she asked him to get the rest that she could not bite off, and he did so with his mouth]. him getting annoyed at the tone and slant of her [other girl housemate's] questioning; her saying that, perhaps, they are getting too close [one ish is that d has a long-term bf] or that they are getting too close without being on the same page [one hoping, the other not].

scene: Kuya probing Zeke about how he feels about the closeness with dionne. is he encouraging it, does he feel she likes him?

well, according to zizter, in the breeeteeesh version, Kuya would be questioning the questioning girl housemate for interfering, and not guy zeke.

yes, i see it. the cultural context. it's quite funny. such that the physical closeness is such a big ish here but so normal in other social situations. eh kasi si dionne kinagat si zeke sa balikat. (she bites him. violence ba daw yon tanong ni Kuya?)

eh kasi mahilig talaga ako mangagat at mangurot. wehehehe.

let down

for some unknown reason, i feel bummed today. you know that feeling when you've been running on adrenalin, and it's spent?

i guess i've been on adrenalin in the last two weeks ... three weeks ... two months... going on three now.

and suddenly, am just sooo verrrry tired. verrry verryyy tirrred. huhuhu tired.

:D drama.

solemn occasion

let us celebrate the passing of this momentous day.
we went shopping yesterday.
i didn't buy any shoes.
i didn't want any.
no shoes.
none.

but,
there are some things i would like
and one of them is to go back to the clear sea
and the bright sun and the wonderful wonderful beach.

sweet

natawa na naman ako kanina sa aking pagiging very-good student. nakalimutan ko na puwede palang pumasok ng 30 minutes earlier sa class para mas may time sa exam (natural, all my hardworking and ddktd classmates came in 30 minutes earlier hehehe :D). buti na lang naka-mindsit ako na this time i have is the only time that i have so ganun na nga. yon na. hehe! anyway, bagong ligo ako nun so masarap ang feeling.

what a fun exam though :D. gumawa kami ng psych report sa loob ng 3 oras. medyo tricky ito kasi may mga 1 hour ka para i digest at i put together sa utak mo (at sa puso, naks) ang isang tao (mahabang writeup tungkol sa kanya tapos maraming test results) tapos may dalawang oras ka para sulatin at i-print. eh medyo mahaba ang kailangang sulatin, maraming sections so di puwedeng basta sulat sulat ka lang. kelangan ayus-ayusin mo para umabot ka sa patutunguhan (or maka-pasa ka man lang sana). hahaha. ang saya. masaya siya kasi kahit tricky, masarap gawin. pasalamat na lang ke Lord kung natuntun mo ang pagkatao ng client (in epek, napakinggan, naintindinhan at natanggap mo siya,... at!... at sa pamamagitan ng paggawa ng report...nakuwento mo siya sa loob ng tatlong oras).

woohoo! sana siya nga yon Lord :D pag ganyan kasing may time limit, parang ako lang yan na nakita ko sa kanya. hahahaha.

but i really enjoyed it. hmmm hmmm.

pero masarap din siguro maging "client" ng 20 students. makakapagbasa ka ng 20 reports about you. counseling by consensus na ini. hehehe.

cute

mga cute na nangyari sa buhay in the last few days:

1. sobra akong naging busy. as in 5 am na ako natutulog. (pasensiya na sa mga sanay magpuyat at mga laging busy. nahalata na hindi ako yon. pero sleepyhead kasi ako eh. nakadikit ako sa kama ko lagi at saktong 7-8 hours ang natural sleeping pattern ko).

2. sobra kong kinareer yong mga susulatin ko na pati ako nasuka na sa sarili ko. (naloka ako dun sa kung paano ko inedit to pseudo-perfection yong first nine pages! three days ko ginawa yong first nine pages!!! ano ba vivi, tama na! hanggang sa naloka na ako, wala na akong pakialam sa dulo! heehee. pero ok lang kasi sobra akong kampante kasi may groupmate ako na mas matindi pa sakin! hihi! :D)

3. sa sobra kong busy di ako kumakain ng husto (tama lang para di magutom tapos work na naman tapos takbo takbo) at puyat at pagod ako, so, in effect, pumayat ako in two days!! hahahaha naloka ako. di ko yon inasahan. (hindi ko sinasabing payat ako, pumayat lang!!!)na deprive ang fat cells ko at nag lie low ng slight!

4. sobra kong kinareer yong paper (di ko sinasabing ako lang gumawa kasi sobrang hindi talaga at laki ng pasalamat ko sa groupmates ko!!!), yong parts ko sa paper, na pagkatapos nun, numb/desensitized na ako. sobra akong naumay! di ko na masense kung magaling ba kami o hindi at kung understandable ba o hindi. sa sobra kong daming alam, wala na akong naging alam!!!!

5. pero maganda yong reactions/ feedback. para daw kaming vaccine!!! hehe. wala, private joke ko sa sarili ko!!! kasi sa sobrang pinaghirapan ko ijustify yong approach/ focus namin, di ko inasahan na suportadong suportado pala yon ng teacher ko!!! vaccine kami!! hehe. (parang an ounce of prevention baga)

6. tapos nag short training pa ako kanina. tapos nalowka ako kasi di ako makadiskarte dun sa ibang participants kasi ang kukulit ng mga may alam na!!! sagot sila ng sagot!!! paano ko ma reach at mapaintindi yong iba kung distorbo sila with their kagalingan!!! hehe. nawawala tuloy ako sa flow ko!!! hehe. gusto kong sabihin, sssshhh, mamaya ka na. have faith in me. lalabas at lalabas din ang katotohanan at magsasama din tayo sa gender-fair and equitable heaven. hahaha!

7. pero dati ganun din ako!!!! masyadong akong anxious and bright sa pagsigurado na maliwanagan ang lahat nang nasa kadiliman na hindi nila alam!!!! ngayon, hindi mo na ako matitinag!!!! hehe. (hindi totoo yan kaya wag mo po akong subukan universe kasi am sure matitinag ako).

8. masyado na akong Filipino, ano ba!!!!! di na ako marunong mag explain in spoken English!!! pero di naman ako marunong magsulat in Filipino!! tama ba yon? kulang na lang dreaming in Arabic.

9. wala lang!!! masyadong maliwanag ang aming new fluorescent lights!!! kelangan ng shades!!! ano ba!!! eh ako ang nagrereklamo na sobrang dilim di ako makatrabaho. ngayon naman sunrise ang drama niya.

haaaay. :D.

fun with feminists

last month, we were invited to the fiftieth birthday of one of our fave feminists. it turned out to be such a treat -- fun with her fab family, the food was yummy, and the party teemed with funny feminists. warm and endearing like the celebrated celebrant. plus wine, music and dancing.

last night, we dropped in on "Philippine theater's finest" (hehehe), the UP Playwrights Basilia production. when the lights went on at "pagitan" and the end, there we were in the same company as at that party. nice, nice, nice. wala lang, nice unplanned surprise.

i got this hankering to wear baro't saya ala-Basilia :P

i also thought about what if i never "ended up" with anyone? :) kaso lang, i just can't get myself to worry about it kasi the truth is, i already intuitively know what i really want, that it just seems hard to believe that my five senses won't someday prove my intuition right.

ewan ko ba. hahaha. bahala na. i'll do my best, G will do the rest.

luscher color test via tickle

Gray/Brown ... means you're suppressing your sensuality, which restricts your ability to be giving. You long to surrender to someone, but you feel that this impulse is weak and must be overcome. You long to achieve a higher status and the esteem of allies who share your high standards, but instead you feel isolated. You need recognition and attention from others. Among other test-takers, 7.83% share this color combination.

Mwehehehe.

yummeee

haaay moi is drunk.

on our last household shop, we bought these tbone steaks, and roommie aj grilled some tonight. ahhh, what better thing to go with t steaks than her very own red wine, a Christmas prezzie from last Christmas? and what better way to go with steak and wine than some of duni's family vacation stories (ooops, hi there ma ;)) )

hahaha. so there, another green bottle bites the dust!

funneeee

on the way home from the mall, looking at the flashing sign.

aj: oh, there's a Big Nike Sale! ay, finished already!

vivi: why would you want a big Nike?

duni: *snickers to self* that's sooo bad, it's funny!

"i just wanna live a normal life with you"

spent many minutes of my massage hour in tears last night. my dear juliet must have wondered about the persistent moisture as she kneaded my face in the half-dark. but you know how it is, once you're on track for contemplating the many sorrows of you and your loved ones, there's just no stopping. so i contemplated the many sorrows of me and my loved ones with much amusement, in the half-dark of the spa, last night.

so much has happened. life has been so full for me lately, and it's like walking your way in waist-deep seawater, you sway to the waves keeping your balance as you move on towards your destination. in the half-dark at the end of a day well spent. full yet again; wet, winded and walking.

thank you for the many Presences who hover around me, who walk with me on this part of this way, friendly spirits who, too, are making their way. all of Life is a-walking.

* * * *

just now i think about asking some of those people around me.
do you think we're friends? i like them, these people and i am curious
as to whether they think we're friends or not.
do they find comfort in my presence; do they
want too to be themselves with me?

friendship is sometimes a function of circumstance
where there is need, and a friendly spirit, there can be friendship;
where there are friendly spirits, and no need, sometimes there are
but brief moments of contact;

i wish to sit longer in the sun and in the shade with these Presences
without having to be distracted by some of the things we
are constantly having to do together.

* * * *

i sat across the room, and thought to myself, oo nga, crush kita
there's your charm, and your mystery, and there's the inescapable
thought that i want to be like you, you biggie super-galing psychotherapist you

but somehow there is triteness to these thoughts,
i can let them pass, but really, how lovely it would be to get to know you
i would much rather be friends with you
you-big, me-small, so-what.

duni wrote

Love is... great but it's awful, it's healing but it hurts, hard work yet so easy, it happens or it doesn't, blinds you but opens your eyes... it is beyond anyone's control so let it be.

sige na nga

home thoughts from athome

i never work on Saturday evenings because by that time i've really have had quite enough of anything that can be called work, and all i have time for by then is a little play.

so no matter if i still have a paper or two or three that needs doing, i lay off it on Saturday nights because by then i've had an afternoon of facilitating a group therapy session; days and days of work for classes and practicum, and preparing for the session.

i'm not run ragged :D (i don't know how to do that). i'm just full. very full, super full. such that when the top reaches the end of the line, it spins another dance. by itself.

and tomorrow is another day.

* * * *

things am happy about.

1. that our project is good enough.
it's not the best. it's not like brilliant, about to-eclipse-all-other-projects-for-a mega-million-sems-to-come great, but it's well worth the effort. interesting for the experience, good for the practice, not the best context for therapy but now i know that for myself. hihi.

you don't know how liberating that is. that not everything has to be so earth-shattering. i think well worth the effort is very good for me for now.

2. and my bestest talent is still, understanding and putting it all into words. what i liked about my last practicum site was being trained to have support for all of my words. mwehehehe. you know not go off into strange paths just following your vocabulary.

* * *

I could be a millionaire if I had the money
I could own a mansion, no I don't think I'd like that
But I might write a song that makes you laugh, now that would be funny
And you could tell your friends in England you'd like that
But now I've chosen aeroplanes and boats to come between us
And a line or two on paper wouldn't go amiss
How is Worcestershire? Is it still the same between us?
Do you still use television to send you fast asleep?
Can you last another week? Does the cistern still leak?
Or have you found a man to mend it?
Oh, and by the way, how's your broken heart?
Is that mended too? I miss you
I miss you, I really do.

I've been reading Browning, Keats and William Wordsworth
And they all seem to be saying the same thing for me
Well I like the words they use, and I like the way they use them
You know, Home Thoughts From Abroad is such a beautiful poem
And I know how Robert Browning must have felt
'Cause I'm feeling the same way about you
Wondering what you're doing and if you need some help
Do I still occupy your mind? Am I being so unkind?
Do you find it very lonely, or have you found someone to laugh with?
Oh, and by the way, are you laughing now?
'Cause I'm not, I miss you
I miss you, I really do.

I really do.

Home Thoughts from Abroad by Clifford T. Ward

* * * *

oh, i don't know.

i found Music and Lyrics the type of movie i could watch again
and again, and find comfort in it.

and i can't say that about most movies.

i don't even have a crush on hugh grant.
i even think he felt too old.

just that his character seemed real.
was hers?

well, i'd watch it again on a sunny late aftrnoon.

Way back into love

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody just to get me throught the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration 
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

the wee hours

different reasons to pulaw. worked on this long paper on monday. worked on my report on tuesday. working on a therapy proposal tonight. and watching the grey's anatomy rerun. yes the one where something blows up. wehehehe.

me and the cabbage

apparently, 2007 is the year of the viola.

Cool Season Blooming Beauties for the Flower Garden
The National Gardening Bureau picked violas as their flower of the year for 2007. Violas and pansies are such relied upon stalwarts that many gardeners take them for granted and think they know everything there is to know about them. True, violas are easy care plants. But in the gardening world, nothing stands still. Newer varieties of violas are being introduced with bolder colors and larger flowers that bloom longer. Even better, they exhibit better heat and cold tolerance than the remarkably hardy varieties where familiar with.

however, it too is the year of the cabbage. the same gardening society has picked cabbage and kale as the plants for 2007.

hihi. what fun.

i love cabbage and corned beef soup.

super love

the sugar had us bouncing off the walls:

freshly baked mini-cookies giving us joy
chocolate frosted muffins lending us warmth
chocolate fudgy brownies giving us thrills
the boxes going round the tables, going once going twice
gone for good!
cold coke soothing our throats.


the whole sprinkled class in love
in acceptance in amusement in affection
being quick to connect to critique
no pain no gain; no hurt feelings

just increased understanding all around.

and my god, the calories.

* * *

m: huwag ka muna matulog
m: dyan ka lang
m: hehehehe

* * *

at our house i specialize in
tv-interactive

i find it more fun than single-minded solitary watching
so i solicit views opinions and reruns whilst ... ssssshhh

hahaha. frankly, i just love disturbing my sister
who rolls her eyes, sighs, and explains anyway at the ads.

hihi. fun.

hearts and flowers

a few weeks ago when we met up, she was brimming over with stories. over full, she flowed over. and i sat beside her, and listened.

and at the end of it, there had been no time for me. and i felt a little deflated like no connection had been made. the energies hadn't been exchanged. i missed her being in the know about me.

but along with love, and acceptance, faith exists in friendship.

today, she asked after me. you, how are you?

and i wept as i told her this and that. not copiously. just wept. not heartbrokeningly, like gorgeous jude law wept. just wept.

sometimes, we just need to feel like we're worth the time to be listened to fully and well, to unburden without having burdened. to just be.

and life goes on :)

* * *

did i tell you about my guilt?
oh, the things i do to myself.

i feel guilty for not knowing/ remembering my favorite teacher's birthday.

i feel guilty for having a backlag of papers.

i feel guilty for having promised one last documentation for someone, that i've been putting in my planner every single week.

and until i feel i'm "good" again, i stay away.

guilt is no good at all.

* * *

a few weeks ago, my therapist and i played with some metaphors.

i told him i was a flower on a field, and that i felt exposed, like people could just step on me if they wanted to be mean.

when we were done, when we had uncovered that i wanted to be good because i wanted to be loved, because i believed that to be worthy of love, one needed to be good,

i told him i was a flower on a field, but i was exposed. there was a light that shone directly on me, so everyone knew not to step on the flower.

writing reports

perhaps psychotherapy is about creating spaces for that which is hidden/ repressed, and that which is yet to be. and saying, ok. recognizing and allowing. there is no good no bad, just flow.

*ruminating about a client: perhaps if you allowed yourself to need them (though they could hurt you, and they have), then they would feel needed, and could let go a little. such was the divide that you got hold of all the independence, and they the attachment, but if you could both learn to share the load, and ease up on the roles, then each would be free to ride the tide.*

perhaps psychotherapy is looking out for the one who's sorely preoccupied on the "lack" or the "loss" until having fully occupied the space for lost, he or she is left no choice but to look up and around. and see the bigger view.

sintonado na kung sintonado

masarap kausap masaya kasama nakakatawa seryoso masayahin nalulungkot din nagtatanong tahimik di ako sineseryoso sineseryoso ako naniniwala sa sarili natatawa sa sarili masarap kumain hindi puro pagkain maporma poging walang paki sa suot laging mabango naaasar iswit kyut matalino mapagmahal marunong mag-alaga nagbabasa nagsusulat bukas natututo nakakausap tama na usap yakap na lang korni astig nakikipagkaibigan di nagsasabay ng karelasyon alam na hindi siya mas nakakataas marunong sumunod marunong din manguna lumalangoy naglalaba nagluluto naglilinis nakikipaglaro sa bata marunong makiramdam pa-kiss nga kung sakali ikaw na yata.

existential sexy-stential

February is sexy.

wala lang. hehe.

just to check where you are in your layp right now,

get a pen and paper,

draw three balloons held by you :),

write in balloon 1what do you think is worth dying?

in balloon 2: if you had 1 week to leave what would you do?

and balloon 3: at present, how would you define love?

(stolen straight from my psychotherapy class but don't you think it's worth answering)

zee movies

i used to have zees declamation peeez dat involved a Russian ballet teacher. but anyway :D

i am loving my 2007 moveeez.

zeee blockbuster

roommmie can't get her head around jackie chan, but zis movie was quite hilarious. we almost had zee heart attack, and lotz of rolling around zee aisle ... laughing.

zee critically-acclaimed film

diz feeelm is fulll of crazeeees. a pedophile you wish to love ... not... yes ... not... it's your choice ... and other crazeees. it had my sister hiding behind the seats, but as her 13-year-old self used to say to my 28-year-one, "it's ace!"

zee literary film


oooh, it's deliciouz. emma thompson as the loony author with the writer's block is preciouz. as well as the lit professor tootsie, err, the rainman, nope, dustin hoffman. such cuties!

fresent

UY!

February na!

Ano kaya ang February?

Flowing? Fertile? eFFervescent?
Futuristic? Forever?
Fantabulous?
Feaceful? Fanicky?
Feeling-ed? Fashionable?

Full of flavor.

vayu

MIMI
Just came to say
Goodbye love
Goodbye love
Goodbye love
Goodbye

bad trip ang lowlah mo. sa totoo lang, mahal ko kasi ang kaibigan kong yon eh. sa dami dami na nang pinagdaanan namin, i always felt that he was special to me, and i to him. sabi niya pa nga bago siya nag-abroad, "let's have tea."

pero di natuloy. ayos lang. di ko lang maiwasan na magtaka kung bakit sa kabila ng sandamakmak na major things na nangyari sa kanya, never akong chinika ng bading friend. wala lang. kasi dati naman, madali lang mag cavort online and off, and laugh in the face of everything. dagdag pa chinika niya na yata all our other friends online except me. tapos, parang not once not twice but three times kong kinilabit ang bading online para mangumusta. but no. not a word in reply.

mas nalowka ako. ano kaya, may isyu na naman kaya ito sa akin? kaya medyo alanganin ang lowlah mo makita muli ang bading friend kagabi kasi di nga alam bakit ganun ang standing. pero warm naman si ex gay best friend. nag hug pa nga and ask, kumusta na? hug back naman ako, natuwa. sabi ko, kasi ikaw di mo ako kinakausap.

nakooowww. sabi ng ex bf, busy kasi ako eh. oh shit you. ganun? after everything. after may i knock ka in the middle of the evening sa aming munting apartment, in tears, at may i hanap ng comfort? after mega text ka for angel reading kasi may sakit ang jowa mo? pagkatapos ng lahat lahat, sasabihin mo lang busy ka? eh samantalang kinausap mo na lahat except me?

ooooh shieeet talaga. yan naman ang, he's just not into you. di ko nakuhang di magreact at di ko yata inasahan ang ganung "excuse." may i walk off ang lowlah mo and may i mukmok! yes, mukmok is a choice. hihihi. super nice pa rin ang friend, but di ko talagang makuhang chumika.

hurt ang beauty ko.

ang cute

i just basically, as chester said referring to something else, "don't make any sense." i don't mind that i don't. i just want to take note that ... i really don't make any sense, hahaha. how wonderpul.

kasi, alam ko na ayaw mo na. ahhh, hindi ko alam kung dahil hanggang noo na ang trauma mo sa akin; o, dahil ayaw mo na lang talaga sa akin (i don't interest nor attract you no more ... alam mo na, yong sabi ng book na sobrang naging hit, he's just not into you blah di blah na yon); o baka naman, in this time of our lives, mas ikaw ang mature at may EQ sa ating dalawa, at alam mo na tama na, wag na.

minsan, natutuwa nga ako na ayaw mo na. kasi di na ako nagugulo, nacoconflicted, naguguilty, naloloka. hindi ko na kailangan mag-respond kasi di ka na nangangailangan ng response. di ko kasi kayang di mag-respond. (kaya naman pero kung sunod-sunod na, nahirapan ako).

pero, gusto pa rin kitang kausapin. tungkol sa akin. lagi pa rin kitang iniisip. wish ko pa rin na ikaw pa rin yong iniisip kong ikaw (hetooo na, hetoo na, waaah, wahhh, doo bee doo bee doo, doo bee doo bee doo). kahit na my subjective regard does not match the objective conditions. hahaha, promise. that's the part that doesn't make sense the most.

hindi sa mahal pa rin kita. o dahil sa meron akong wow glorious grand unconditional love sa yo. kasi man, that's crap :D. i'd like to believe i'm smarter than that. puwede pa nga natin sabihin na isang malaking parte nga yon ng problema, ang aking super conditional pagmamahal sa yo. (baka yong other half ng problem ay wala kang love sa akin, unconditional man or otherwise.)

sana lang, naintindihan/ maiintindihan mo rin ako somehow someday sa heaven hehehe, na baka lang din, may sense naman ang lahat ng inalay ko sa yo (lab, galit, kaguluhan, friendship, blah di blah di blah).

at sadyang ganun laang.

vee, d'you oke?

some singing statistics ;))

1. song of the night: no arms. whuwaaaht?, you might ask. is there such a song ... no arms?!?!? yes, no arms... yes it sounds suspicious, strange. but you'd be surprised. you probably know it, i betcha. and can sing it with all your heart. yes, i swear. you wouldn't expect so. but here it goes. world, sing no arms.

No arms can ever hold you
more than I do
No man can ever love you
No,it's true
No arms can ever hold you
more than I do
You came to me from heaven,
girl,it's true.
and if I ever lose your love,
If I ever lose your heart
Oh baby,
I'm dying for your love

good, eh? ;)) that's by chris norman for you. who? yeah.

2. my favorite rave reviews of the night:

* "V!! it's only a song!!!"

* "V, sa 'yo ang red, sa'kin ang blue!!" hahahaha. such is life. you can't pick and choose your lines. so what if i want to be rick springfield. in the eyes society, i can only be randy crawford. ;))

3. my favorite songs sung:

One Hello (Randy Crawford)
Coz love begins with one hello
The hardest part is over
Now it's easy letting go
One hello is how it starts
You might win it all or lose your heart
If you're not afraid
Of what you feel
Then try and keep it simple
Or try and keep it real
And if being real means
Means you'll some day will say goodbye
Remember my friend
Goodbye's not the end
It's a circle you know
And it starts with one hello

Love Me for What I Am (The Carpenters)
If what you want
Isn't natural for me
I won't pretend to keep you
What I am I have to be
The picture of perfection
Is only on your mind
For all your expectations
Love can never be designed
We either take each other
For everything we are
Or leave the life
We've made behind
And make another start
You've got lo love me
For what I am
For simply being me
Don't love me
For what you intend
Or hope that I will be
And if you're only using me
To feed your fantasy
You're really not in love
So let me go
I must be free

nahumaling

oh dear, i haven't slept.
silly girl.
and am supposed to finish
two important things
today that require a
working brain.

ooops.

and i've just realized
my other memory card is
missing.

hmmm.

*yawn*

maligayang kaarawan africa ;)

mwehehehe

Tonight I celebrate my love for you
It seems the natural thing to do
Tonight no one's gonna find us
We'll leave the world behind us
When I make love to you
Tonight I celebrate my love for you
And hope that deep inside you feel it too
Tonight our spirits will be climbing
To the sky lit up with diamonds
When I make love to you tonight

Tonight I celebrate my love for you (ooh)
And that midnight song is gonna come shining through
Tonight there'll be no distance between us
What I want most to do
Is to get close to you tonight

Tonight I celebrate my love for you
And soon this old world will seem brand new
Tonight we will both discover
How friends turn into lovers
When I make love to you

hark the herald angels sing

dear god/goddess and attending angels ;)

need help :) must finalize our group therapy project soonest, and need help sheperding those who are meant to be in our group as participants. have been trying for last month, still no final group. please point us to the right people and the right people to us. even a change of focus is ok, if that's what's needed.

also, finishing up at practicum site one (thank you for that btw, i wasn't originally intended for that but the synchronicitous events led me there to much satisfaction :) ) and need help finalizing the second site. sana, where i can learn the most from people i can be with in the future (e.g. i need to be working in the future, possibly in June? hehe).

thank you. and also help me to relax enough for my two other counseling endeavors that are ongoing. as i might tend to forget that the most important thing is being there. you know, performance anxiety and all that.

and lastly, two of the more good-looking living things i've "met" lately are eula v and bor-g. hehe. his dad's really proud, btw.

:D

a ba ka da e ga ha i la ma na ng o pa ra sa ta u wa ya

i like myself today because

i felt like the good chicken wrap i had for lunch
and walked in a light shower to the
green tea shake i liked
and sat outdoors

i walked to two offices lightly politely
waving my receipt
and came upon t laden with copies
of readings (smile)

and at the end of the day, i finished the report
i was doing at work and gave it to
the boss, who laughed at
my lame joke and

as i ran out the door to meet my sister who
was waiting for me there she was
sat on a bench outside
my office in a

white skirt and my grey (as she is English)
tank top and she told me how as
she read this anthology for
class she opened randomly

and came upon this story that sounded like
someone i knew who had long hair
and it really did read like
someone i loved

and it was he.
then we walked to this coffee shop
across the road to meet a friend who wanted
something and is like

more kulit than anyone i know
including me and i had some
of her brownie and really good coffee
but after she blurted

out her story she said we could go
now, and so we had to go and leave her
there as she insisted though
we could have hung out more.

hehe.

* * *

dear ate nina,

as i walked to buy the green tea shake
i was murmuring about earlier
i thought about writing you
to say thank you for the
lovely birthday letter
you wrote me and visiting
everyday from senegal...
from senegal?! yes from
senegal... and also
thanks for leaving
me, no, insisting that
i must read your copy
of nicola barker's
love your enemy for
i have finally gotten
around to it, and my
is it yummy, for
who else is there
to love really
but our enemy?

and the stories are
so quirky normal
and strange and
fun and weird
and nice to
read and
think about like
learning to read
literature from
your obscene phone
caller, so there
s'long and thanks
for (all the)
book(s).

hehe.

* * *

and the thing is
i am just busy
and preoccupied
with all the things
that i need to do
and things i'm
disappointing myself
with momentarily
mainly/all about me
but it won't stick
really just that
i am stuck
in the self unit
but not really.

hehe.

* * *

sometimes i really
do think i'm better
than everyone else
and but of course
am not at all, but
since it's me, it's
no harm at all,
and it's the loveliest
thing that it's not true
but still i think it.

"ay, hala" as d would say.

hehe.

* * *

and the thing is just
as i have finally finally
gotten the hang of
waking up early in the
am again which i haven't
done since, like, high
school, it's starting to
be natural again,

but now my 100 hours are
almost over.

though i still have 100
more to go.

* * *

this practicum is like
a gift with
all the things
i get done for it.

the gift of completion
is truly what i need.

bleeeh :p

hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit sila nagpapaputok?

i can't move
as am sitting on my hand
so's it won't text you
as who knows where
that might lead
again,
hehe.

it's hard enough not being
pleased with myself.

my wiring might be a lil mad, no?
;))

* * *

i can't stand the suspense
of important things
i need to do tomorrow.

especially as it'll
be far too early
in the day.

ugh.

the anxiety of being sleepy
will keep me awake!

* * *

ever since i was a lil girl
i've always disliked
Sunday late afternoons
to evenings

such that Mondays never
turn out half as bad.
half-ass bad.

* * *

this could be the year
i will be so emotionally unstable
that next year nothing
will ever faze me.

or now. even now.
what is there to fear, but ...

sprites in formal attire

thank you

when it's your birthday, it's like there's a stream of love directed straight at you that shows itself in the cellphone's tireless beeping :)

thank you, all. i haven't been able to get back to all of you yet, but i will. am sorry for missing all the international calls. aside from the usual (silent mode, class, low batt), i am suspicious of anonymous numbers :D but i thank you for trying all the same.

same time, next year, eh? ;)

I work hard (he works hard) every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end (at the end of the day)
I take home my hard earned pay all on my own
I get down (down) on my knees (knees)
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord, somebody, somebody, ooh somebody
(Please) Can anybody find me somebody to love ?

i don't know why I do it, really. seek love from you repeatedly, like some hapless child snatched of its glittery toy. over and over again, a record spinner gone wrong. and all because at some point in your life, and my life, we exchanged some well-intentioned ill-thought out promises gone super awry. it was such a long time ago, and so much time has passed. these are already tired and trite reasons for hanging on to you, and wilted hopes. i should already know, and have learned, and moved on to something more true, and sweeter. the promise of freedom from the scent of flowers stuck in the moment should be enough.

i feel sorry for you, too. nothing you do will ever be right or be enough, given the weight of all the things that have gone wrong. i apologize repeatedly for hurting you at moments when i cannot help but leak or burst out of the self-contained containers i try to put myself in in my encounters with you. some people can take it, and will let me, and there would have been no need for the apologies. but i know you too well, part-twin of my contradictory soul, and know that your fragile self that dares reach out so rarely, snaps shut with every hurtful word, meant only to convey a need for more constant attention and affection. that's all. people do it every day, why can't you? why can't we? silly, silly me.

i need for you to dance with me. with my commander personality, i need only for you to cooperate. to come when needed, to stay away when i have to be alone. but your only rule is to break all my rules: whatever i say you go against. don't flirt with my friends, there you go. i'll make time when i can but if you're not coming when i am free please don't stress me out for i am super stretched, and that's when you come knocking. what about my bags? the other people who need me and whom i love? my work? i cannot let them go to pot just because it is at this moment you want to show love. yes, i love you too, but please i need your cooperation. do it for me, for love?

chastised by my better self, and lured by the peace of mind that comes when we are nowhere near each other, i have said goodbye repeatedly. in fact, i do it all the time. and gone for weeks and weeks without you. then we say hello, again, and my eyes sparkle at the thought of building a constant friendship with you. i want to be understood by you, and i want you to feel that i understand you. who will believe me when i say i am better at it each time. i weep now but i am far from the grieving woman i was last year. i am.

i am distressed by having quarreled with you again. birthdays are such an emotional time. everyone's text messages make me want to cry. who would know Capricorns wanted to be loved so badly? so let them, let you, let me.

i'm reading a new book, Sacred Contracts by Caroline Myss. As what happens in book-reading, I find it quite apt :). fascinated as i have been lately with dream analysis, this book asks the same thing -- take a step back, and ask yourself, what does it symbolize? this person, these people who drive you to the edge of the universe and leave you there, what do they stand for? in the grand scheme of things, in the contract that you hold with the Divine, what did/do they teach you?

what, indeed? what?

hehehe.

much easier to answer is what you hope (you wish) you symbolize to other people...

i wish i symbolized "love and intimacy, if only you would allow it" ... yes, i believe in self-serving hypothesis.

or i serve as a reminder of what you still need to pay attention to, despite everything you've been and are.

i just want a january one post.

if i asked you, would you say yes, and do it? ;)

yes, 2007.

having fun with the sibs

do you know? no one reads me anymore ;))). i need new friends! hehehe.

i actually enjoyed my Christmas break :) (i didn't expect to, but that's just me being a sourpuss hehe). i enjoyed being photog at the Towers family reunion, it gave me something fun to do, at a series of events that are most fun for the kids, i think. as older single adults, i always feel a lil bit misplaced at Towers reunions simply because of the numbers. my brother and i are very out-numbered by the attached and the rearing. that's not a bad thing either, but what happens when you're with people who think they mean well, and probably do somehow mean well, and also do not know you very deeply, is that they focus on your status and your size/ shape. that convoluted sentence meaning that they will think what is primary about me is why the heck am i still single, and why the heck do i look like the way i do,... fat! me being me, i do not actually bleed because am not partnered or because i look like a pear. i know i could look better, be healthier; also know that i would like to be partnered, but still. i am actually happy. hehehe. and what i am offended about is not their seeing that i am a single pear, but judging me for it. like, something is wrong with me bcause i am one. as if, twin bananas made a fruit salad. the thing is, i happen to be a single smart funny loving grouchy angry sweet sourpuss pear. and besides, i like many fruits. so there. but tell that to the ignorant. (as you can see, i lapse into pseudo-superiority in self-defense. but rest assured, in my heart of hearts i know that they are simply human, like me, and beyond the judgments, they are also affectionate and loving. oh well.)

but as i was saying, a fine time was actually had by all (of me, teehee). i ate lechon five meals in a row. now that sounds simply horrible but i only actually get to have lechon at Christmas. it was soooo yummmy. wehehehehe. then, daddy drove us to my grandma's in most roundabout fashion, including a trip to the gorgeous waterfalls pictured below. said waterfalls involved 430 steps going up and down. that's 860 steps in all. oh my aching calves, my cold-sweaty body. i almost passed out at the last two sets of stairs coming back up. it was horrible. but the falls was simply gorgeous :D. then we went to his alma mater (also pictured below), and through the extremely locked glass doors, took a photo of his name framed at the hall of fame. also tried to find the spot where i lived as a baby, and my ninong had to place a frying pan over my head to protect me from whizzing bullets brought about by warring tribes.

at my lola's (and aunt's and cousins), had fun eating, chatting, running errands, driving around. missed them, after!

plus being with the sibs is really fun!

i am now sleepy and stopping writing. hehehe.

some snaps

even the tip of my nose is beautiful

d: i have to write a "short composition" in filipino. that's all well and good except all i've learnt is how to greet and how to ask where someone/something is. that doesn't make for a composition that is long or that makes any sense whatsoever. it's like... hi, i'm d. i'm fine. where are you?
d: me complaining more to my friends
v: say i'm 20 years old
v: i'm new here
v:: i'm beautiful
d: sssssssssssssh
d: plus... v.... i'm beautiful AND intelligent
v: yes yes
v: beautiful outside and inside
v: sigh. just like me.
d: jst everywhere, really.

hahaha. merry christmas.

niceties

the key for me was recognizing
that it no longer was what i thought it was,
or how i liked it, or wanted it to be ...
not all of it, anyway.

which is not to say, it's good or bad or worse --
just not for me, not right now, no longer,

which is not to say, i don't understand or can't
just not mine, and probably never was,

which is not to say, i made a mistake or you did --
just that it was good to have tried:

so; thanks.

so what's new?

tell me five new things about yourself. i want to hear about it. five new things that give you delight or sorrow or grief or amusement. or wadever :D. wadever is good. email me if you want violala@gmail.com. there. goodness gracious great balls of fayerrr.

1. i wore a new mustard-yellow shirt today.

2. i blushed.

3. i work the entire time i am at my practicum office. as in, i work! hahaha. sorry, you guys must do that, but even at my old office, we had days to dawdle. there, i work my ass off. haha. (i am not complaining)

4. i know his email address ;) i surfed it.

5. i am into dreams even though i haven't got any. rumor has it, when you don't remember dreams, you're not supposed to, so you may not interfere in it.

hello world :)

I love you :).

I hope you get to have a nice quiet Christmas filled with peace.

new calling

i've found
a new
TRUE
calling.

i want to cut and paste
for the rest of my life.

;))

wow! you just might get one of my
early pre-fame pieces!
hahaha.

BLESS :)

happy 87th (?) birthday to our ever dearest loleng, Lola Eps! we lab her!

adeeeeek

Jim Paredes humming:

If we engage in an activity just to feel good and then use it repeatedly to escape our problems so that we become dysfunctional without it, then, by Bradshaw’s definition, it is an addiction. I remember hearing a Jesuit compare religion to salt. One must have it in the right doses. Too much or too little is not good. I listened to him with some incredulity then. But he wasn’t the first to express a similar view. Karl Marx called religion the opiate of the masses. Judas in Jesus Christ Superstar criticized Jesus’ followers for having "too much heaven on their minds." Who was it who said that saints are hard to live with?

Moderation is the key. Basically, I think what the definition of addiction also implies is that we do not really need anything from the outside to be happy, and that putting ourselves in a situation of needing and obsessing on anything or anyone to the point that we need a constant fix makes us lose our autonomy and opens us to the feeling of being incomplete. Then, before we know it, we are hooked. We are not enough. Our happiness and reason for living have become dependent on something outside.

When we find ourselves in this situation, even the world will not be enough. We discover that we are devoid of creativity and the capacity to be happy just by being ourselves. When the Dalai Lama first came to know about anorexia, he was astounded that anyone could actually be like that. And then he cried, realizing the suffering and self-loathing that anorexics go through.

The idea, I believe, is to indulge in these poisons with full attention and mindfulness. Because being mindful makes us aware when what we are doing is already bad for us. Mindlessness gets us hooked. Mindless actions can easily become addictions while conscious ones make for good practice. We become aware of the difference between our real needs and our wants.

Then we can begin to live a real life in the real world.

a good day for Nicole, Filipinas, the Philippines, and women everywhere

DOWN WITH THE DICKS!

it's the thought i miss the most (in the MBTI, the third dimension asks how one decides, by thinking or by feeling? T or F). long after it no longer felt happy, the thought of it consumed me, like the irresistible book on the topmost shelf that i could not reach.

when i am lonely, i cannot help but reach for the thought. when i insist on disbelieving, daily life shows up the thought, an empty idea.

you were supposed to be the one for me.

* * * *

a nasty habit: like digging for pimples.
i am unable to forgive you for not living up to the idea.

there i go: taking the wrong tack again.
i need to forgive myself for having been so hurt.

i was very hurt.

reming is coming

tips for tomorrow ;)

1. charge your cellphone
2. charge your lamps/ get batteries for flashlight
3. secure candles and matches
4. store water
5. cool loads of drinking water
6. withdraw money
7. stock up on canned goods
8. warn loved ones far away a typhoon is coming and you could be out of touch for a while.

sit tight, and stay dry. you're loved.

TYPHOON UPDATES HERE.

i happy

heehee. spent all day getting "tested." yes, they made me run over hurdles (ka-blam!), do the jungle jim, do push-ups, and recite the alphabet backwards :D :P nah.

i filled out this super extra long personal data form, then did the personality test mmpi-2 (i asked miss after if i tested neurotic -- the stripe on the strip keeps changing color! she's neurotic! -- but like a good examiner, she ignored my comments and questions, heehee), then had lunch. where perched on a bench under a tree observing young people's fashion whilst eating beef and mushroon, i got my sister's commendation ("brava") for texting her that shouldn't belts be on the hips?

then i did the job satisfaction questionnaire which was amusing because it revealed to me that at this moment, what i want in an ideal job is mentoring, and it doesn't matter to me whether or not it would be hard to make friends with work colleagues. heehee. it's because i have friends already, and what i want right now is to learn more. there's so much more still to learn!

then i did a report-writing test. pity i only knew how to do half of it, as the other half i'm still learning this semester. then i had to do some TAT cards which was fun. out of the 6 stories i imagined, only 1 had to do with lab. woohoo! hahaha. a contrast from last time i did the TAT.

so now am in trouble. hahaha. on thursday, i start practicum doing something i am not at all good at. woohoo! that is the entire point of practicum. heehee.

* * *

then sister and i congregated at this parking lot corner with cafes, and great green tea shakes, sharing good news. later, i was attracted by some music going on at a nearby stage, and peeked at a ceremony for women writers. saw a friend running with his camera every time his wife was called to stage.

then, hightailing it to class, i kept bumping into male classmates. one was T who found out am into feminism, then traded the customary insults and greetings with R, then i gossiped with G whether he liked it or not (well the classroom was still closed), then later had dinner with Fr. B who appeared so very hungry. haha. he was nice, he treated me to dinner.

then mmr said i look prettier, does that mean before today, i looked so very ugly? hehehehe! now obviously just fishing.

* * *

ok, off now, to duni's cinema, to catch the last full show of high school musical. unfortunately, am not allowed to fall asleep there. sisters! hehehe.

living in with someone new

i'm an unhappy peanut.

there's a reason why i stuck with the weekly cleaner for most of my manila life. reasons galore. (i don't want to have to worry about what someone else can eat. about whether someone else is happy or not. about whether just cleaning and watching tv is healthy. basically, all about the existence of someone else.)

but the tide changed. i needed to have someone else to be responsible for many things i can't handle on my own anymore. (like cleaning, like being there for all the delivery people who have to follow crap policy that doesn't allow them to deliver bills without you signing for it, like watching over maintenance people, etc). most of all, i needed another warm body because contrary to my expectations of myself, i am not a security guard but a psychologist in training. so i wanted someone else trustworthy and nice in this house.

still, the fact is, getting household help, even with all angelic assistance, is still getting a stranger to live with you. with all the attendant adjustments that need to be done -- explanations, time, training, attention.

even when you get someone who seems outstandingly good on many aspects -- very tidy, hardworking, likes to cook, cooks well, introverted, nice.

and for the last few days, it has been getting on my last nerve ending that every day i end up "getting arranged."

NO, I like you and all that but please do not arrange me and all my stuff :(. It makes me very very unhappy. I don't want to be arranged in front of me, or behind my back. Just leave me alone. WAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

I do not like having things tidy per se. Tidy is not my priority. I like for my stuff to make sense to me (pumps this shelf, flats this shelf, trainers here, hehe) so they're easier to pick out, rather than for them to be just tidy.

I have stuff from when we moved years back that are in storage because there's just too much to deal with. Am trying to sort through them so I know what to give away. Please do not put them away while am still going through them because I'll just have to pull them back out again. Every day till I'm done.

So there. I'm having to have to spell out the don'ts. It takes hard work to be happy.

I have a right to my mess, and I'm claiming it :P

X marks the spot :P

Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging
by Joe Butt
Profile: ENTJ
Revision: 3.0
Date of Revision: 27 Feb 2005


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I don't care to sit by the window on an airplane. If I can't control it, why look?"

ENTJs have a natural tendency to marshall and direct. This may be expressed with the charm and finesse of a world leader or with the insensitivity of a cult leader. The ENTJ requires little encouragement to make a plan. One ENTJ put it this way... "I make these little plans that really don't have any importance to anyone else, and then feel compelled to carry them out." While "compelled" may not describe ENTJs as a group, nevertheless the bent to plan creatively and to make those plans reality is a common theme for NJ types.

WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Everyone who has ever flown with me on a plane knows what this is about. (I never never never look out the window, I just wait for the crash. Wahahahaha). So do those I have trained my big-eyed bossy gaze on (and claim to have trembled in fear). Wahahahahaha. I guess the MBTI personality profile is a smart'un. Wahahahaha.

"TRADEMARK: -- "I'm really sorry you have to die." (I realize this is an overstatement. However, most Fs and other gentle souls usually chuckle knowingly at this description.)

ENTJs are decisive. They see what needs to be done, and frequently assign roles to their fellows. Few other types can equal their ability to remain resolute in conflict, sending the valiant (and often leading the charge) into the mouth of hell. When challenged, the ENTJ may by reflex become argumentative. Alternatively (s)he may unleash an icy gaze that serves notice: the ENTJ is not one to be trifled with."

pamana

sa lahat ng mga mahal ko,

naisip ko lang na ang isang gusto kong pamana sa inyo, ay ang

PAGIGING DEDMA (sometimes hehe)

Christmas-wrapper you want? hehe.

extra-large portions!

anyway, my ISTJ self has transformed into an ENTJ.

Long live mutants!

nagmamahal,

heartbrokening kaibigan :)

errrr, now i feel better :D hihi. it helps to list down (as in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ...) all the intricate specifics of your sadness, and have someone simply listen, and understand. thanks gid joannie.

here's an excerpt from the latest version of my autobiography, the nth one i've had to write for grad school. hehe.

"I always wrote well.

I always got on the school paper. I remember one weekend, my family camped in my Dad's office doing my elementary school paper. It was called the Bud and Blossom. I was editor in chief. (It appears now that my parents were my staff, hehe).

I graduated honorable mention from grade school. I had two "best friends". One of them has been my housemate for ten years now .... (Wow, we're like, married!) ... The three of us best chums girls, picked three boys to be best friends with us. They agreed. It was strictly arrived at by contract.

Wait. Before all that, came my moment of glory as a beauty queen/ ms. universe (I feel every Filipino girl born to a middle class family grows up thinking she's the most beautiful girl in the world, destined to be ms. universe.)

When I moved schools in fourth grade (my family moved back to the city proper, from two towns away), every guy in class had a crush on me. One Saturday in school, they all hung around me at the playground while I was waiting for my parents to pick me up. I also kept getting calls from them at home but they didn't really talk to me. They pretended to be scary.

I had no idea what it was all about, really.

Years later, I would regret having been too introverted, shy, and out of it, to have made the most of my heyday with boys.

I would never have that much appeal to the opposite sex again, ever."

imp ossi ble

it's staring at impossible in the face
and accepting it so.

i am faced with the Goliath
of my own conjuring.

but where's my pebble?

* * * *

1. i have sat by it
2. i have listened to it
3. i have turned my back on it
4. i have walked round and past it
5. i walked back to look at it
6. i have largely ignored it
7. i have let it be a speck in my peripheral version
8. i have talked to it.

But, Jeez. it's still there.

It must be David-girl who's the problem.

David-girl needs to stand still, till the earth swallows her whole, and not one little detail retains any meaning.

oh goodness me

you know sometimes, things happen that render me speechless, or to be honest, drive me to tears, in the face of what can only be called grace.

it's not like some big bang, it can happen so inconspicuously, so subtly, that if you hadn't been up for it all along, you would never have known how much the universe had shifted. it's like an earthquake where the earth never moved. something like how Phivolcs says the Philippines experiences ten earthquakes a day that are hardly felt.

it's like an all-pervading kindness that just watches out for you, no matter how long it takes. slowly, the continental plates shift and come back together in new arrangements you could hardly have imagined. and it's not you either because contrary to what we all know to be true -- that the solar system actually revolves around each of us, rather than the sun, hehe -- it's all about all of us.

it's also about paying attention. and attending to what comes up that is for you to attend to. i attend to what is so obviously for me to do, and the rest just takes care of itself.

we just each have roles to play in the service of something that can only be Goddess/God.

classic

shiet siya may ka-relasyon na daw siya.

hahahahaha.

today's friendster classic brought to you by

thisblog.

teeheee.

happy birthday, duni!

p.s. pero mas malaki ichu ko hahahaha. alam mo na, protectib ;)

3 kuwentos bago takbo at weewee

Good newses!!! As will T , I get to do a workshop with psych undergrads at their upcoming convention :P will try to inject more psychs with ka-genderan. wehehehe. wushu! am excited. Also, we're now wireless! Thanks to our in-house IT, also called roommie.

* * *

In an old CSI episode, there's been a kidnapping, with a three-hour window of opportunity, when the vic possibly dies. The hubby wants the CSI guys to speed up the investigation. However, the forensic scientist knows the value of being thorough:

Grissom: "In cases like this, we have learned that to go fast, we need to go slow."

Sabat naman si ate, "Sister, that goes for love too." (laughter)

Di papalecture si sister, "So is that why you're still not married?"

Ehehehe! Palusot na lang si Ate, "Yeah, i went fast."

* * *

But seriously, I have had to fend off a thousand well-meaning but tiresome inquiries as to my getting married, and the state of my fats. Ahahahaha. Haaay, I mean I don't care at all except that questions like this seem to put me in a position of having to apologize to people for who I am. Which is unreal. As I already like myselp :D

;)

hi

been busy. you know those weeks in a year when life accelerates and you focus on each moment as it passes, you only have time to wave?

i finished my semester. whew. it helped that i didn't know the deadline had been moved for later. hahaha. i finished it the best that i could, while still relating to people around me, hehehe. what's the point of finishing a sem, if you end up not talking to loved ones near and nearer.

my sister arrived. being with her has reminded me of how good friends we really are. she makes me laugh, she's British and quite funny. and i tease her endlessly.

we all went to Boracay. it was fun. me being a weirdo Capricorn, going to Boracay is always a bit tricky because i always feel like i have to deserve it ('cause it costs too much money, and eating really well for three days takes its toll on my conscience. hahaha. coz it's so unrealistic! :P) but i just lab dozing on the beach in the morning when the sun still doesn't hurt.

then i went to Camp. it was good. that place in Caliraya is really nice (but really too cold when i was there. i got sick). it was fun teaching young men about sex. hahahaha. no, really. Filipinos are the most tortured souls about sex, and i love that i can help make better boyfriends for young women. hehe. or more sensitive open connecting nurturing persons. hehehe. also i talked to an ex-student from last summer, and it was good. he's a better boyfriend, he told me. and i think i did well :).

now sister and i are re-setting-up house, and will be getting ready for school. plus many things are coming up in the next two weeks too.

bless us all :)

no talking allowed :D

Ako ay nababaliw na sa ka-bisihan. Today, I marry Fiolo, and we are soulmates for the entire week.

Sheesh. Goodluck to me. I need two finish two papers today so I can move on to two exams and two more papers. OH SHIT.

Trusting in the prusis

Teeheehee. It’s 2 am and in the past hour I got the energy rush, no, the get-up-and-go that I had been waiting for the whole day. The whole day I had been needing to go and put away my stuff from the immediately preceding-now has to be shelved for three days- project in order to move on to the next one. But first I couldn’t get out of bed. When I did, I couldn’t get motivated at all. C’mon, it took me four hours from getting up to get to my cup of coffee (only after I read on yahoo how caffeine in cola puts women at risk for osteoporosis hehehe). I just couldn’t see myself working myself up again into the state I had been in in the past week for the next in a still long-list of projects. Unimaginable. How to get to there again from where I was.

So I took it slow. Let myself be. Even DD must have found it weird when she asked about plans for next week. It took me, VV the arranger, ages to answer, I didn’t know what to say and I couldn’t locate any energy into looking for answers or even saying what I needed to do next to find the answers. But she let me. And later, without any effort, I was reunited with my enthusiasm for our “sem-break” plans. It just came.

Soon it was dark again, as it does so much faster this time of the year. Still, I couldn’t. I only felt I needed a walk, and to get out of the house for a while. So in the light of streetlamps and brandishing my umbrella I walked to the grocery store, and bought myself a meal. Then ate to Grey’s Anatomy (woohoo) which I had been wanting to catch, introduced roommie to my Wednesday NCIS, and saw more tv while sleeping, hehehe, a particular talent of ours. Soon it was past midnight but my body still said lie down. I couldn’t see myself sleeping on the work I had to do though.

Finally at about one, I got up, went to my room, and in the span of 45 minutes put away everything, to my satisfaction, even. Hahahaha. And so the sun rises at one am. I am renewed, revived from screensaver mode, back from automatic hibernation.

the roommate conversations

it was a relaxing day, in a way. or rather, the kind of day where you will hold close the moments when it's possible to relax (kind of holding "relaxing" in a tight grip hahaha). roommie and i decided to walk to the restaurant where it's possible to get one of the best sisig. having gotten there, we sat down to enjoy our pla-pla and pakbet (hehe).

she told me of her friend who is depressed because she has no migo. and this friend lives in an environment where everyone is paired up. roommie told her depressed friend that maybe a migo still won't bring you happiness. and then proceeded to point out to the depressed all their friends who were married/paired, and presently unhappy specifically due to pairing. the depressed said she felt better (hehe).

so i went, "do you think we're single because we're so picky?"
she said, "yah."
and it appeared to both of us that we were not wanting so much the usual, as much as the fun. really, a good funny conversation.
but then, a fun conversation is not a relationship. it's just a conversation :D. hihi.

***

today we were chatting about thesis.

i went, "actually the thing to do is find the one thing that interests you the most. to make kalikot. you pray to find that one thing coz when you do, it's just a joy to do."
she said, "yes, mam."
added, "is it like a migo?"
errr, no. "if you find a migo that you want to make kalikot, goodluck to you."
"hahahahaha!"
"a migo is not kalikot."
;))


***

there was a man in the house in the last week (currently, gone to samar with the cutie wife) ;).

ahh, this must be a bit like how "men" feel. to come home to someone ;)). we all three/four women in the house last week went home to HH and had much fun around the dining table. there were tasting expeditions of cakes made/mixed in colorful piss pots(hehehe long story), and stories of how german men piss (as heard from the safety of a toilet cubicle), debates about masculinity and "hope for mankind," as well as ruminations on the Japanese term for "the big loser" (hehe).

can't wait to be piled on a sarong on sand, eating fruit, gone sailing, and laughing gaily at the ridiculousness of being serious. (goodluck to me, i hope i get to go ;))

go talk

Daily Extended Forecast for October 11, 2006
Provided by Astrology.com Daily Teen Forecast

Have you been giving someone the silent treatment? It won't do you much good ... you can't make your point unless you clearly communicate your feelings and needs. People cannot read your mind, so get in touch and clear the air. If you are the one receiving silent treatment from someone else, reach out and check in with them. Find out whether they are ready to talk. Approach things compassionately and with your defenses down.

hmmm. not giving anyone the silent treatment lately (err, just one, but it's clear to me that i will talk when the time comes :) ). but just thought, how many many many people in the world, heck, in my world could be helped in their relations if they could approach things compassionately, with their defenses down, and just talk. Go! :)

eager beaver :D

i'm so excited.

i met my targeted number of respondents after charming, cajoling, harassing, pleading, chasing the young men from all over the Philippines, with much help from the org peeps (HB for one, thanks HB!). it's a very small n, but still it took ages and lots of energy to complete!!!!

now i have the whole night to conjure up a research report... err initial report/ presentation. hihihi.

thanks to all the graduates of the CATW YMCs for sharing.

gathering

i must be the most kulit ate ever already, from all my email and text follow-ups to the young men, to respond to my survey sent thru the email. have been doing interviews thru chat, and yesterday, thru text. anything to get the task done.

i console myself with the thought that it's for a good cause- an interesting and worthwhile research endeavor (i would say that since it's my project, hehehe). my mantra of the moment would have to be: no, i am not a pest, i am not a pest, not a pest, not a pest. i am a feminist researcher, researcher, researcher, researcher.

if i believe that i am not a pest, but a worthwhile psych student researcher, then i will surely get the response i need.

so help me angels ;)) (and quickly! hehehe).

Milen-WHEW!

how labli dat lately

my interviewee said, ay sayang ate v, ang ganda pa naman ng conversation natin.

fave godson A laughed at the puppet show requested of ninang v, where gandalf asked the nazgul for more tilapia. wahahaha. sorry fave godson, ninang is too literal. turned over to him, gandalf and the nazgul resumed their fight scene. hiyahh!

my research teach said she'll give me back my proposal on friday, and that it's a very good study.

and a beloved friend emphatically telling another beloved friend -- referring to me while i was sitting beside them both -- don't believe anything she has to say about me. listen only to me and i'll listen only to you. hahahaha. da best. ;))

gremlins

pag umuulan, dumarami. incidentally, gremlins is one of the very first movies i saw on betamax in my dad's office way out in the middle of the fishponds in those bonding times we had long ago when i was a little girl.

naku, type ko siya. the sudden intimacy of veritable strangers in sweet conversation.

bakit ba kami nagkakaintindihan ng batang ito? crush ko.

ang galing galing niya. the first thing that actually got me really lusting after the men i later on wholeheartedly loved, is the way we talked. the quality of the air when we chatted. the scent of sympathy and comradeship. the acknowledgment of spirit.

soul, here we are.

say hi!

thigh-high burgundy boot

and so it goes that atenina comes over to the Philippines, and watches an English movie first thing with me. hehe.

and when the germans come, there'll be a German filmfest on, so maybe this is just the thing to do :D. when watching Rome, find a Roman.

but i've asked three young men lately what it means to them to be a man, and the movie was about what makes a man, and so that thought form is bouncing all over the place.

and in this sweet movie, this sweet guy says to a sweeter, broader, bigger mama of a sexy drag queen, "I don't know what makes a man but if it's something about being brave, then I can never be half the man that you are."

and as this soulful sexy man of a big mama hella singer drag queen said,* "I didn't do it for what you said, I did it for the adulation."

oh my foot, the kinky boot!

*and he also said, a man can change his mind about someone :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HIMAYA ;), her who is plenty parts heart :D

*applause*

some kind of hostess

there are times when am a very weird host to houseguests :D. two years ago, friends arrived an hour or so earlier than i thought they would so i sent them away. wahehehe! i mean our cleaner and i were still frantically sorting out stuff in their "guest space" so i let them leave their bags, and made them go away for a meal till house was ready.

yesterday, atening texted from the taxi, and i warned her i was all dusty and ugly from sorting out my papers, still (was still at it after lunch, after staying up all night doing so). said no beso-beso muna, hehehe. and so it went, atening arrived, and had some pan de sal with her host who looked like someone the cat dragged in! hehe.

atening has loooong hair, and bangs! :D (titaeds, mahaba na rin ba ang hair mo? :D)

applause

for other, exciting news ... i have finally sorted out almost a decade worth of files!!!! YAHOO!! YIHEE!! YEBAH!

truly, 9 years. from when i joined my last office and left it last year (1996-2005). (my files from last year to now are in order because am newly-OC with my psych stuff). when we last moved house, i had just shoved them in boxes but now they are properly sorted and labeled according to type of material, and topic for easy retrieval. and easy movement because my files are now in those carton shopping boxes. hahaha. buking ang shopping. hindi, Christmas gift shopping bags yon! di ba? ;)

so to name some of my bags and boxes of so-called files, tantananan: gender planning, feminist economics, reproductive rights and women's health, feminism, and my ex-office files sorted as gender program, campaigns and issues, org files. hahaha, weird happinesses.

but no, i still have one entire room to sort. other stuff aside from ex-office and ex-school papers ;))

now i must go and munch some organic dark choccies hehehe

strange, stranger, strangest

1. whoopeedoodee choclit
soon i'll have more choclit. ate nina asked what i wanted, i said dark choclit. tita eds asked what i wanted, i said choclit with yogurt (milka!). her hubby, hh, asked me too months ago (being german and well prepared :P) and am sure i answered choclit! i must remember to ask my sister to bring choclit, too! hmmm, wait a minute. knickers or kitkat? knickers! hehe. chocolate-colored knickers with a splash of fuschia ;)is sister's assignment.

hehe.

if anyone asks me if i have choclit in the next few weeks, no i don't have any! brown sugar you want? hehehe!

2. speaking of underwear.
am supposed to pretest my interview sked at this hour. my respondent is probably still hurrying from his class to our appointment. to prepare, i showered, and dressed. i even put on a bra! for a pretest interview over the internet! how formal can i get, huh? ;) it's black, too.

3. someone called
and asked if we wanted a dsl internet subscription. the very same thing we already have. haaaay. i told her and then she said, we're already so much kbps ma'am. right. lucky us already. hehe.

pleased :D

Your past life diagnosis:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern New Guinea around the year 925. Your profession was that of a medic, surgeon or herbalist.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
You had the mind of a scientist, always seeking new explanations. Your environment often misunderstood you, but respected your knowledge.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
Your lesson is to study, to practice and to use the wisdom that lies within the psychological sciences and in ancient manuscripts. With strong faith and hard work you will reach your real destiny in your present life.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you remember now?

come to class, my love

how lovely is a lazy day.

with a lunch
and a dog
and a walk

and a peach-orange shirt
and shorts

and nothing nothing
to do but doo bee doo bee doo
doo bee dooo ;)

time, passing

1. finally passed my research proposal WHEEEEEEEEEEEW. what a relief. (now it's time to gather the data)

2. done with one group report (now need to do the written version)

3. almost done with another group report (and then move on to the written version)

4. counselees had another crisis, hope things are on the mend

5. went to the funeral of friends' stepmom

6. went shopping for parents. it was all various shades of green. hahaha. (take note, i didn't say mail :D)

7. organized titos and titas to greet dad in a simultaneous manner ;)) (sorry, it's not militaristic, but amusing)

8. bless my parents, for they are birthday-ing, and they are loved, and so am i :D

Full Moon Lunar eclipse (p)

Seeing clearly **
This influence confers patience and willingness to do difficult and exacting work. Therefore, this is a good time to do any work that you have to keep on plugging at, even though it isn't rewarding. If this influence comes during a period that is otherwise difficult, it guarantees that for the moment at least you will be able to cope with your situation, no matter how difficult it becomes. Intellectual or physical work that requires perseverance and great attention to detail is favored by this influence. Also, this influence will help you get to know yourself better. The close attention to detail that characterizes your way of seeing now will help you see yourself and your own reactions very clearly.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mars Trine Saturn exact at 15:30
activity period from 6 September 2006 to 9 September 2006.

pahingi nga ng pag-ibig

fart. am tired. i can scare myself to death and back several times a day on behalf of many things. like a sound upstairs while i'm in the middle. or the fact that my pages and pages and pages and pages pf psychologese might not make sense when i start to reread from the top down, somewhere on page three i might need to turn on my head and do the clown dance. like a sound downstairs while i'm in the middle.

YM and friends everywhere keep me sane. it helps me to have people to confess to that i still am not done done done done. aaaaaaaargh. or whatever. it is the connections that keep me sane while i try to distill pages and pages and pages of books and journals into something i like that is already long overdue. as i work nights and sleep days, or sleep and work half-nights and half-days and think about what to eat, and act like a sikyo to my queendom.

fart. i need a boyfriend. (or did i mean a girlfriend? or my mother? hehehe) someone who has the capacity to give you some full-on loving attention (food, hugs, and affirmation) for a concentrated period of time. because they can, and want to. when you want to. no apologies, no questions asked, no guilt, no hangups, no resistance. someone you can surrender to, for love, sometimes.

puwede ba yon, universe?????? i am tired of being strong. i want to be dependent, and let someone else take care of me, for a while.

hehehehe.

ode to my tenderness

still, such tenderness exists.
perhaps it never really goes away.
just that it no longer defines ...
but stays still, in the air
a waft of something soft
and sad and sweet and
sure, still.

male Gender Role Conflict

I'm presently studying this psychological construct gender role conflict (O'Neil, 1981) that refers to men's patterns that arise when "rigid, sexist or restrictive gender roles, learned during socialization, result in personal restriction, devaluation or violation of others or self."

When seen in the context of interpersonal relations, gender role conflict implies that "men are shaped from an early age to develop a narrow range of dominant and emotionally withdrawn interpersonal responses that are recurring, inflexible, and harmful to themselves and to others" (Mahalik, 1999).

There are four empirically-tested patterns of male gender role conflict namely, Success Power and Competition; Restricted Emotionality; Restrictive Affectionate Behavior Between Men; and Conflict Between Work and Family.

Here's Mahalik's (1999) illustration of a man rigidly enacting the factor Restrictive Emotionality: "Thus, men may have difficulty telling others they care about them, disclosing and discussing vulnerabilities, and finding words to describe their feelings. At home, such a man would not readily show affection to family members or be able to ask for support and affection. For example, he may expect that his partner and children know what he feels for them even when he may himself have difficulty being able to name or experience his feelings. Also, he may expect that his partner be able to know when he needs support and is feeling bad even when he has difficulty knowing what he is feeling. Related to his discomfort with his own feelings, he may expect that his partner and children should not have the feelings that they experience. ..."