mwehehehe

Tonight I celebrate my love for you
It seems the natural thing to do
Tonight no one's gonna find us
We'll leave the world behind us
When I make love to you
Tonight I celebrate my love for you
And hope that deep inside you feel it too
Tonight our spirits will be climbing
To the sky lit up with diamonds
When I make love to you tonight

Tonight I celebrate my love for you (ooh)
And that midnight song is gonna come shining through
Tonight there'll be no distance between us
What I want most to do
Is to get close to you tonight

Tonight I celebrate my love for you
And soon this old world will seem brand new
Tonight we will both discover
How friends turn into lovers
When I make love to you

hark the herald angels sing

dear god/goddess and attending angels ;)

need help :) must finalize our group therapy project soonest, and need help sheperding those who are meant to be in our group as participants. have been trying for last month, still no final group. please point us to the right people and the right people to us. even a change of focus is ok, if that's what's needed.

also, finishing up at practicum site one (thank you for that btw, i wasn't originally intended for that but the synchronicitous events led me there to much satisfaction :) ) and need help finalizing the second site. sana, where i can learn the most from people i can be with in the future (e.g. i need to be working in the future, possibly in June? hehe).

thank you. and also help me to relax enough for my two other counseling endeavors that are ongoing. as i might tend to forget that the most important thing is being there. you know, performance anxiety and all that.

and lastly, two of the more good-looking living things i've "met" lately are eula v and bor-g. hehe. his dad's really proud, btw.

:D

a ba ka da e ga ha i la ma na ng o pa ra sa ta u wa ya

i like myself today because

i felt like the good chicken wrap i had for lunch
and walked in a light shower to the
green tea shake i liked
and sat outdoors

i walked to two offices lightly politely
waving my receipt
and came upon t laden with copies
of readings (smile)

and at the end of the day, i finished the report
i was doing at work and gave it to
the boss, who laughed at
my lame joke and

as i ran out the door to meet my sister who
was waiting for me there she was
sat on a bench outside
my office in a

white skirt and my grey (as she is English)
tank top and she told me how as
she read this anthology for
class she opened randomly

and came upon this story that sounded like
someone i knew who had long hair
and it really did read like
someone i loved

and it was he.
then we walked to this coffee shop
across the road to meet a friend who wanted
something and is like

more kulit than anyone i know
including me and i had some
of her brownie and really good coffee
but after she blurted

out her story she said we could go
now, and so we had to go and leave her
there as she insisted though
we could have hung out more.

hehe.

* * *

dear ate nina,

as i walked to buy the green tea shake
i was murmuring about earlier
i thought about writing you
to say thank you for the
lovely birthday letter
you wrote me and visiting
everyday from senegal...
from senegal?! yes from
senegal... and also
thanks for leaving
me, no, insisting that
i must read your copy
of nicola barker's
love your enemy for
i have finally gotten
around to it, and my
is it yummy, for
who else is there
to love really
but our enemy?

and the stories are
so quirky normal
and strange and
fun and weird
and nice to
read and
think about like
learning to read
literature from
your obscene phone
caller, so there
s'long and thanks
for (all the)
book(s).

hehe.

* * *

and the thing is
i am just busy
and preoccupied
with all the things
that i need to do
and things i'm
disappointing myself
with momentarily
mainly/all about me
but it won't stick
really just that
i am stuck
in the self unit
but not really.

hehe.

* * *

sometimes i really
do think i'm better
than everyone else
and but of course
am not at all, but
since it's me, it's
no harm at all,
and it's the loveliest
thing that it's not true
but still i think it.

"ay, hala" as d would say.

hehe.

* * *

and the thing is just
as i have finally finally
gotten the hang of
waking up early in the
am again which i haven't
done since, like, high
school, it's starting to
be natural again,

but now my 100 hours are
almost over.

though i still have 100
more to go.

* * *

this practicum is like
a gift with
all the things
i get done for it.

the gift of completion
is truly what i need.

bleeeh :p

hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit sila nagpapaputok?

i can't move
as am sitting on my hand
so's it won't text you
as who knows where
that might lead
again,
hehe.

it's hard enough not being
pleased with myself.

my wiring might be a lil mad, no?
;))

* * *

i can't stand the suspense
of important things
i need to do tomorrow.

especially as it'll
be far too early
in the day.

ugh.

the anxiety of being sleepy
will keep me awake!

* * *

ever since i was a lil girl
i've always disliked
Sunday late afternoons
to evenings

such that Mondays never
turn out half as bad.
half-ass bad.

* * *

this could be the year
i will be so emotionally unstable
that next year nothing
will ever faze me.

or now. even now.
what is there to fear, but ...

sprites in formal attire

thank you

when it's your birthday, it's like there's a stream of love directed straight at you that shows itself in the cellphone's tireless beeping :)

thank you, all. i haven't been able to get back to all of you yet, but i will. am sorry for missing all the international calls. aside from the usual (silent mode, class, low batt), i am suspicious of anonymous numbers :D but i thank you for trying all the same.

same time, next year, eh? ;)

I work hard (he works hard) every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end (at the end of the day)
I take home my hard earned pay all on my own
I get down (down) on my knees (knees)
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord, somebody, somebody, ooh somebody
(Please) Can anybody find me somebody to love ?

i don't know why I do it, really. seek love from you repeatedly, like some hapless child snatched of its glittery toy. over and over again, a record spinner gone wrong. and all because at some point in your life, and my life, we exchanged some well-intentioned ill-thought out promises gone super awry. it was such a long time ago, and so much time has passed. these are already tired and trite reasons for hanging on to you, and wilted hopes. i should already know, and have learned, and moved on to something more true, and sweeter. the promise of freedom from the scent of flowers stuck in the moment should be enough.

i feel sorry for you, too. nothing you do will ever be right or be enough, given the weight of all the things that have gone wrong. i apologize repeatedly for hurting you at moments when i cannot help but leak or burst out of the self-contained containers i try to put myself in in my encounters with you. some people can take it, and will let me, and there would have been no need for the apologies. but i know you too well, part-twin of my contradictory soul, and know that your fragile self that dares reach out so rarely, snaps shut with every hurtful word, meant only to convey a need for more constant attention and affection. that's all. people do it every day, why can't you? why can't we? silly, silly me.

i need for you to dance with me. with my commander personality, i need only for you to cooperate. to come when needed, to stay away when i have to be alone. but your only rule is to break all my rules: whatever i say you go against. don't flirt with my friends, there you go. i'll make time when i can but if you're not coming when i am free please don't stress me out for i am super stretched, and that's when you come knocking. what about my bags? the other people who need me and whom i love? my work? i cannot let them go to pot just because it is at this moment you want to show love. yes, i love you too, but please i need your cooperation. do it for me, for love?

chastised by my better self, and lured by the peace of mind that comes when we are nowhere near each other, i have said goodbye repeatedly. in fact, i do it all the time. and gone for weeks and weeks without you. then we say hello, again, and my eyes sparkle at the thought of building a constant friendship with you. i want to be understood by you, and i want you to feel that i understand you. who will believe me when i say i am better at it each time. i weep now but i am far from the grieving woman i was last year. i am.

i am distressed by having quarreled with you again. birthdays are such an emotional time. everyone's text messages make me want to cry. who would know Capricorns wanted to be loved so badly? so let them, let you, let me.

i'm reading a new book, Sacred Contracts by Caroline Myss. As what happens in book-reading, I find it quite apt :). fascinated as i have been lately with dream analysis, this book asks the same thing -- take a step back, and ask yourself, what does it symbolize? this person, these people who drive you to the edge of the universe and leave you there, what do they stand for? in the grand scheme of things, in the contract that you hold with the Divine, what did/do they teach you?

what, indeed? what?

hehehe.

much easier to answer is what you hope (you wish) you symbolize to other people...

i wish i symbolized "love and intimacy, if only you would allow it" ... yes, i believe in self-serving hypothesis.

or i serve as a reminder of what you still need to pay attention to, despite everything you've been and are.

i just want a january one post.

if i asked you, would you say yes, and do it? ;)

yes, 2007.

having fun with the sibs

do you know? no one reads me anymore ;))). i need new friends! hehehe.

i actually enjoyed my Christmas break :) (i didn't expect to, but that's just me being a sourpuss hehe). i enjoyed being photog at the Towers family reunion, it gave me something fun to do, at a series of events that are most fun for the kids, i think. as older single adults, i always feel a lil bit misplaced at Towers reunions simply because of the numbers. my brother and i are very out-numbered by the attached and the rearing. that's not a bad thing either, but what happens when you're with people who think they mean well, and probably do somehow mean well, and also do not know you very deeply, is that they focus on your status and your size/ shape. that convoluted sentence meaning that they will think what is primary about me is why the heck am i still single, and why the heck do i look like the way i do,... fat! me being me, i do not actually bleed because am not partnered or because i look like a pear. i know i could look better, be healthier; also know that i would like to be partnered, but still. i am actually happy. hehehe. and what i am offended about is not their seeing that i am a single pear, but judging me for it. like, something is wrong with me bcause i am one. as if, twin bananas made a fruit salad. the thing is, i happen to be a single smart funny loving grouchy angry sweet sourpuss pear. and besides, i like many fruits. so there. but tell that to the ignorant. (as you can see, i lapse into pseudo-superiority in self-defense. but rest assured, in my heart of hearts i know that they are simply human, like me, and beyond the judgments, they are also affectionate and loving. oh well.)

but as i was saying, a fine time was actually had by all (of me, teehee). i ate lechon five meals in a row. now that sounds simply horrible but i only actually get to have lechon at Christmas. it was soooo yummmy. wehehehehe. then, daddy drove us to my grandma's in most roundabout fashion, including a trip to the gorgeous waterfalls pictured below. said waterfalls involved 430 steps going up and down. that's 860 steps in all. oh my aching calves, my cold-sweaty body. i almost passed out at the last two sets of stairs coming back up. it was horrible. but the falls was simply gorgeous :D. then we went to his alma mater (also pictured below), and through the extremely locked glass doors, took a photo of his name framed at the hall of fame. also tried to find the spot where i lived as a baby, and my ninong had to place a frying pan over my head to protect me from whizzing bullets brought about by warring tribes.

at my lola's (and aunt's and cousins), had fun eating, chatting, running errands, driving around. missed them, after!

plus being with the sibs is really fun!

i am now sleepy and stopping writing. hehehe.

some snaps

even the tip of my nose is beautiful

d: i have to write a "short composition" in filipino. that's all well and good except all i've learnt is how to greet and how to ask where someone/something is. that doesn't make for a composition that is long or that makes any sense whatsoever. it's like... hi, i'm d. i'm fine. where are you?
d: me complaining more to my friends
v: say i'm 20 years old
v: i'm new here
v:: i'm beautiful
d: sssssssssssssh
d: plus... v.... i'm beautiful AND intelligent
v: yes yes
v: beautiful outside and inside
v: sigh. just like me.
d: jst everywhere, really.

hahaha. merry christmas.

niceties

the key for me was recognizing
that it no longer was what i thought it was,
or how i liked it, or wanted it to be ...
not all of it, anyway.

which is not to say, it's good or bad or worse --
just not for me, not right now, no longer,

which is not to say, i don't understand or can't
just not mine, and probably never was,

which is not to say, i made a mistake or you did --
just that it was good to have tried:

so; thanks.

so what's new?

tell me five new things about yourself. i want to hear about it. five new things that give you delight or sorrow or grief or amusement. or wadever :D. wadever is good. email me if you want violala@gmail.com. there. goodness gracious great balls of fayerrr.

1. i wore a new mustard-yellow shirt today.

2. i blushed.

3. i work the entire time i am at my practicum office. as in, i work! hahaha. sorry, you guys must do that, but even at my old office, we had days to dawdle. there, i work my ass off. haha. (i am not complaining)

4. i know his email address ;) i surfed it.

5. i am into dreams even though i haven't got any. rumor has it, when you don't remember dreams, you're not supposed to, so you may not interfere in it.

hello world :)

I love you :).

I hope you get to have a nice quiet Christmas filled with peace.

new calling

i've found
a new
TRUE
calling.

i want to cut and paste
for the rest of my life.

;))

wow! you just might get one of my
early pre-fame pieces!
hahaha.

BLESS :)

happy 87th (?) birthday to our ever dearest loleng, Lola Eps! we lab her!

adeeeeek

Jim Paredes humming:

If we engage in an activity just to feel good and then use it repeatedly to escape our problems so that we become dysfunctional without it, then, by Bradshaw’s definition, it is an addiction. I remember hearing a Jesuit compare religion to salt. One must have it in the right doses. Too much or too little is not good. I listened to him with some incredulity then. But he wasn’t the first to express a similar view. Karl Marx called religion the opiate of the masses. Judas in Jesus Christ Superstar criticized Jesus’ followers for having "too much heaven on their minds." Who was it who said that saints are hard to live with?

Moderation is the key. Basically, I think what the definition of addiction also implies is that we do not really need anything from the outside to be happy, and that putting ourselves in a situation of needing and obsessing on anything or anyone to the point that we need a constant fix makes us lose our autonomy and opens us to the feeling of being incomplete. Then, before we know it, we are hooked. We are not enough. Our happiness and reason for living have become dependent on something outside.

When we find ourselves in this situation, even the world will not be enough. We discover that we are devoid of creativity and the capacity to be happy just by being ourselves. When the Dalai Lama first came to know about anorexia, he was astounded that anyone could actually be like that. And then he cried, realizing the suffering and self-loathing that anorexics go through.

The idea, I believe, is to indulge in these poisons with full attention and mindfulness. Because being mindful makes us aware when what we are doing is already bad for us. Mindlessness gets us hooked. Mindless actions can easily become addictions while conscious ones make for good practice. We become aware of the difference between our real needs and our wants.

Then we can begin to live a real life in the real world.

a good day for Nicole, Filipinas, the Philippines, and women everywhere

DOWN WITH THE DICKS!

it's the thought i miss the most (in the MBTI, the third dimension asks how one decides, by thinking or by feeling? T or F). long after it no longer felt happy, the thought of it consumed me, like the irresistible book on the topmost shelf that i could not reach.

when i am lonely, i cannot help but reach for the thought. when i insist on disbelieving, daily life shows up the thought, an empty idea.

you were supposed to be the one for me.

* * * *

a nasty habit: like digging for pimples.
i am unable to forgive you for not living up to the idea.

there i go: taking the wrong tack again.
i need to forgive myself for having been so hurt.

i was very hurt.