may diskusyon kami ng aking kaibigan. kasi sabi ko, naaawa ako kay wendy ng brendy.

sabi ko, naaawa ako dahil lost siya. sarili niya lang nakikita niya. pinag-iisipan niyang plastic kapag iba ang opinyon sa kanya at iba ang paraan ng paglalahad ng opinyon at damdamin. di niya binubuksan ang isip at puso niya at subukang intindihin kung saan kaya nanggagaling ang iba.

basta, para sa kanya, aping-api siya sa bawat pagkakataon na tinutuligsa ang gusto niya. di niya nakikita na iniintindi nga siya ng lahat.

para sa kanya, lagi na lang, it's either you're for or against me. di siya mapakali dun sa gray areas na puwede namang nagmamahalan o magkaibigan kahit na may pagkakaiba.

tapos sa sobra niyang lugmok dun sa pagiging feeling api niya, super identify na siya sa drama niya. di niya na maiahon ang sarili niya sa drama. at kahit ano pang gawin ng kahit sino, di siya matutuwa kasi hahanapan niya yon ng dahilan.

kelan niya marerealize na, life is what you make of it? siya din may gawa ng lahat ng "heartache" niya.

ang funny nga kasi lahat ng accusations niya dun sa nagnominate sa kanya (such as, kanila na lang ang bahay na to, pera lang ang gusto nila) are really about her. these are her own thoughts/ motives/ conflicts.

tapos, ang ingay niya pa. di siya natapos sa kakangawa at kakadabog at eksena. pero ayaw niya naman makipag-usap ng derechahan. gusto niya lang makipag-usap when it goes her way exactly.

eh siyempre, di naman puwede yon, at marami pang ibang tao sa world at kailangan mo rin sila bigyan ng kanilang right to exist, and to feel what they feel, and to express it how they want to.

it's not like they don't try. it's just that you're not listening.

hehe!

sabi kasi ng friend ko, alam daw ni wendy ang ginagawa niya kaya wag daw ako maawa.

trip 14

it's those first few minutes of creeping into the city in the chilly early morning dark and being awed by the myriad lights strung out in-between mountains. that's what gets me every time.

then my trip to Baguio would have been made. na.

now that's my brave girl

oh my goddess, this is going to be a tough one. a biggie.
(but not really tough-like-that since everything that just flows, is not as tough-as- all-that, but simply, life happening. and thus, one can trust one's self to it.)

my sister spent a lot of her growing years in the UK,or rather, most of it, and more than once or twice, in our numerous and frequent all-together-now family trips and encounters, i would harbor the random-enough thought that it would be really good if she would be able to spend some time in the Philippines in order to know to know and embrace the Filipino side of her. (even though, it is also quite true that any child with a Filipino mother would probably still grow up quite Filipino in more ways than you might think, without even having to set foot on Philippine soil.)

the above were random-enough thoughts on regular-enough vacations because there was never any talk of such a plan, nor was i in any position to set such a plan into motion.

so never did i think that someday such a thought would become a reality. nor did i have any inkling of how large a role i would play in such a scheme :).

and the beauty of it was when it did happen, it was really largely sister's idea and initiative.

(part 1 of many parts or no more :) )

lagaw irresistible lagaw

Yes, here i am again enmeshed in the innumerable arrangements and online research for the housemates' weekend away. i laaaab it. i am getting addicted to travel. have been many places this summer. most fun. you know, just to be up and about. i laaaab being on a road trip. (thank you mami for making it possible for your two daughters to super traipse these islands). i also laaaab looking into the possibilities and making them come true (regardless of whether they come true or not). you know, i just want to make lagaw. Pasyal, in Tagalig. Where I haven't been before. Or where I liked it before :), and wanna show and share.

In the meantime, I am incredibly disorganized about everything else. My ironed clothes are piled high, my papers need sorting, my inbox is bursting, my pictures beg posting, and emails need replies.

But time enough, soon enough :)

My thesis, too, will need ruminating and meditating.

Seeing as I passed the Comps ;) wehehehe.

100 seconds with exes

so, forgive me my cheap thrills. i have momentarily "rested" my photo-blogpost-in-the-making as i need more time to upload the pics. but i couldn't resist imagining what to say to exes, as inspired by the latest episode of older brother primetime. ;)

here's what am gonna say:

#1: you pervert *plak!*

#2: you're a loser and i have nothing to say to you.

#3: whatever. stop bothering me. get a life.

#4: it is never acceptable not to keep in touch, no ifs, no buts.

tsk tsk. what a life. what love. hahahaha.

this is how my lola loves me

i didn't get to sleep over at my lola's/aunt's because i was at the 7th young men's camp, but i spent most of one day there shortly before we left for cebu, hanging out with my ever-loving lola, and being badgered to eat at the "proper time". (unfortunately, there's no such thing as a proper time when you've only slept an hour in the night, for being scared by ghost stories and having the light switch turn off suddenly while perched on a high hill! us "ghosters" snuggled 11 in all in a cottage meant for four. hehe.)

lola held out the jar of petroleum jelly and said that it's mighty good for bites and burns. and i, victim of a stone-massage burn at Sanctuario Spa in Malate, said, "oh pity i didn't know that. my burn has finally healed after two months."

so my ever-reasonable lola said in cebuano, "let's burn you then. with a match stick." wahahahaha. the better to try petroleum jelly efficacy. :P

* * *

so i learned that my lola gave birth to her first child when she was 20 (sister's age) and her last child when she was 37. so there's still some time if i get brave enough. but i wonder how, with these following words of wisdom about childbirth?

lola: oh, if there was no God, you would really die!

WAAAAAAAAAH. Apparently an activity requiring Divine participation.

this is how my sister loves me

i had my eyes closed in the darkened plane, talking with angels for a smooth and safe landing, and working forward in my mind to the next few days. suddenly there were grinding sounds and new movements that so surprised me, i clutched at sis. and she, seeing my fright and empathizing with it, said, "oh" and put her arms around me to comfort me.

i laughed, explaining that i thought we were still suspended in the air, circling over metro manila. and she said, "oh, poor you. i was wondering why you weren't happy we had landed."

a 747 lands differently from a smaller plane. no single thud but a lot of sounds. oh, poor me.

i had tears in my eyes from the ready and genuine sympathy of sister

mwahahahahaha

si rizal ba talaga yon?

it's the end of the world today.

i just felt like saying that. the sky fell on me yesterday. luckily, they were just nimbus clouds. but why did they have to fall on me?

hehehe. pa-victim.

anyway, "it's the end of the world today" appears to be on the same level as "there's dust motes galore under my bed."

you know, just the facts of life.

(the weight of my failed expectations)

(if truth be told, my knickers are in a twist because you missed my big day, and i wish you hadn't because i would have liked to have marked it with you; same as it felt like you missed last week though technically, you didn't, but only because i reminded you of it. or that's how it seems even if i could be very very wrong.)

(a further aside to this aside: when i was in college, my boyfriend gave me a rose -- and if i have already written this story then i repeat myself -- and i wasn't pleased because he had gotten it from the frat's barrel of roses. i thought, it was just there and he got one and gave it to me. it was just there, and he gave me one, and this meant i wasn't special enough. ... hahahaha. cute :)

but about today. i wore a white tank and blue jeans, and an itty bitty strip of belt. it made me very happy.

am going out tonight :) but all i want to do is sit quietly in a corner, without speaking much, hug my gfs and my sister, and cry.

because sometimes, i just get so disappointed.

the tenth of May

there's something about summer
that always sets my soul steaming with joy

* * * *

today, it rains, and rains,
and rains.

i stare out the window,
awed at the change.

* * * *

i am glad some things in life
need not be choices.

i like the sun.
i like the rain.

everything's fine.

comps confessions part 1

1. the comps was easy: meaning the questions were answerable, at least those from my profs :). i don't mean that it was easy for me, but that ... the questions were quite answerable. i can even locate precisely where in my handouts the answers lie! hehe.

2. it's just that i crammed! i didn't cram everything but i crammed fifty percent. i studied 50 percent of what i had to study reflectively and leisurely and the rest at a don't-stand-up-till-all-this-information-is-in-your-head manner. or maybe, the do-put-those-papers-in-your-bag-now-as-the-taxi-has-come-to-a-full-stop-and-it's-time-to-get-out-the-door-already pace(and-not-leave-your-thermos-of-water-with-manong-the-taxi-driver-especially-because-you're-coughing but ooops, too late for that :P. enjoy the yellow thermos, manong! :P)

3. the best way to study for comps really is to read and learn again the stuff that you have long forgotten and then make sure to have enough time to review that same stuff just before the exam. and, whilst you're reading and reviewing again, to explain/ re-tell what you're learning to someone willing to lend an ear, or write it up again yourself in paragraph or bullet form. because you need to learn and understand the material, master it, and be able to explain/expound on it.

4. it can't be all stock knowledge because after all, that's eight subjects you need to know by heart :P. as last-sem's comps-passer said to one of us takers, "you really need to study. you can't pass it on talent." hehehe!

5. but then again, maybe it's not possible to have all the time in the world to study. you can't make life wait for you while you read ;) (a likely story, eh? hehehe)

6. and so the questions i answered ok were one, the one i was explaining to mami about on our way back from bora; and the other, the one i was writing to myself about, in anticipation of such a question. the one i will probably have the lowest score on is the one i flipped to in the taxi because i couldn't remember any of it i had read two days prior! the one that was "easiest" and longest to answer was the one that was truly application :) and was more stock knowledge because that was how we did it in class. good one, ma'am.

7. it was fun though, figuring out afterwards which teacher had probably given which question for the subjects taught by more than one teacher in the last 2-3 years, as the profs were true to form! like, i don't think i could have answered properly the questions given by those i did not study with (some questions seemed impossible :P!)

8. i've been sick! still sick! it has to do with the clash of temperatures. aircon vs mindblowing humidity; ice vs no-ice. but can't really complain. comps is comps, sick or not.

9. once, i preyed on duni's pity and pulled rank: "please, get some coke with ice for your poor manang joyjoy!" hahahahha, it was hilarious. the look on her face was priceless, "i can't believe you would use that on me! my poor manang, really!"

10. but she messaged me goodluck "to my genius manang" so i guess, everything is all in sisterly fun! hahaha.

11. four more questions to go ;) next week uli ha. thanks to everyone who messaged :) made me feel like my birthday!

where i was :)

ok enough of this drama. hahaha! i'll do my best. if i don't pass, i'll do it again.

but in the meantime, i just want to mention the Teresas. (and the Aguedas and the Gabriela's.)

yes, i spent five days in Caliraya, Quezon for the Young Women's Camp.

it was awesome, awesome, awesome (echo: awesome, awesome, awesome).

it also left me with a lot of questions about myself, myself, myself. my life, my life, my life. and next time :).

but here, they are, beautiful young women all :)



after the Comps, i'll blog more about family, family vacations, corregidor, and the young women's camp :)... and the comps! hahaha.

comps=life

"The longing I have is life's longing for me and the longing itself becomes fulfillment if I listen to it amidst chaos."

read the label

WARNING:

this should in no way convince you that corregidor was not a place where tragedies happened; or that this historic site does not bring forth sorrow, horror and sadness at what people have to go through in times of war.

instead, let this be a testament to what happens when three silly girls abandon loads of sleep in order to catch an early ferry to somewhere a bit far away, and quite hot and humid, much like their very own living room.

tee hee.

mawawala ako

super frustrated ako kasi gusto ko talagang lumabas today. tipong alas dose na nang gabi at six hours na akong nasa bahay pero di pa rin ako nagbibihis. gusto ko nga lang lumabas para manood ng sine eh.

naiiyak na ako sa asar kasi walang gustong sumama at noong malapit na akong magdecide na umalis anyway by myself, di ko naman ginawa (na sidetrack kasi ako ng isa pang usapan na kakain daw kami pero di naman nangyari haaay). tapos na tuloy ang last full show.

mas lalo pa akong naaasar kasi nararamdaman ko na hindi na talaga ako magpapayaya this week kasi kailangan ko na talaga mag-aral. di na ako magpapakita kasi next week mawawala din ako. no other time but now.

so, goodbye ;). wish me luck. i have too much ground to cover in too little time.

the "g's"

you can click on the picture to make it bigger :D (thanks to blogger!!!!)

holidays holydays

back from a vacation spree with two main feelings (hehe) and a truckload of pics/ memories:

1. oh-it-was-lovely-and-will-surely-miss-family-togetherness feeling (put senti pout here)

2. oh-my-goddess-it's-only-three-weeks-till-my-comprehensive-exams feeling (put pure fright face here)

what a potent uneasy mix, eh?

:D i never said an introvert's life wasn't exciting.

tickle-licious

The Destiny
you match
most closely is
Advisor

At your core, you're meant to be an Advisor. You are 92% in line with the Advisor role. This indicates that you are a quiet and reserved person who loves to help others achieve their potential through interpersonal connections. Others value you for your wisdom, integrity, and sound advice, as well as your genuine concern for people's welfare. You are a thoughtful person, trust your gut feeling about things, and have extremely acute intuition. You are somewhat of a poet in your way of thinking, finding beauty and meaning in simple things. Because of your sensitivity and soft-spoken ways, you may experience mood swings and the inability to get out of bad situations from time to time. Just be aware of that and you will get stuck in fewer unsatisfying ruts.

As an Advisor, you are in good company with Martin Luther King, Jr., Oprah Winfrey, and Mother Theresa. Just as their destinies have a deep effect on their life paths, your destiny as an Advisor undoubtedly has a profound impact on every aspect of yours.

Professional Life
In your professional life, you will probably have the most joy in a career that allows you to interact with people. You tend to find satisfaction from helping others in their personal development. Whether it is in the area of medicine, teaching, counseling, ministry, or writing, you yearn to have a real impact in making the world a better place one person at a time. You have an ability to be a productive contributor to any organization and are willing to work hard to make things run smoothly. You tend to be a good listener, work well with others, and thrive in a positive environment.

Personal Life
In your personal life, you may tend to have a few, close friends, rather than a lot of superficial relationships. You would likely make a loyal partner who is affectionate, giving, and empathetic. You have an incredible capacity for love but a low tolerance for conflict. Advisors tend to be exceptionally devoted parents whose lives revolve around their children. This can be taken to the extreme, and so balance is crucial. Your children would typically feel very loved and cared for, while having a good sense of boundaries because of your firm but reasonable discipline. You long for a tranquil home life.

A Day in the Life of an Advisor
Being an Advisor will manifest itself in the many ways you view life and make decisions. For example, let's take a look at Jessica who is also an Advisor. She attended a prestigious university, and although quiet, she became a trusted friend to some in her dormitory. While she was reserved and not an outward leader, when freshmen had trouble adjusting to their new surroundings or were going through other emotional difficulties, they would often end up in Jessica's room to talk it out. She would often use poetic imagery when giving advice, lending the assurance that everything happened for a reason. Jessica was always genuinely concerned in these situations and would feel deeply for those she counseled. She once overheard someone gossiping negatively about her, and she was deeply hurt by this, making her even more withdrawn than usual. She had an intuitive sense about others and was able to see through facades easily. She went on to become an art therapist, working with children who had emotional problems.

What you and Jessica most likely have in common is a naturally strong desire to help others. Bravo!