My love, what is the way of the heart?

In the end,
in a world where
we are all one
and each person is deserving of
love, understanding and acceptance
and the universe in all its abundance
provides for all
where no one is right or wrong
for everyone is wounded
and healing and trying
and everyone needs the other …

Who am I to deprive you
of all that you need to be full
and healing and loving
and whole
for after all,
I love you
as I love myself
as I love all who are close to me
as everyone deserves to be loved.

Who am I to deprive you
of those I have loved who
have loved me
from whom I have learned
and whom I have taught?

In the end,
bussing cheeks
with confusion and hurt and pain
and misunderstanding and frustration
embracing fear and humiliation,
in the end,
I come face to face
with myself and my love
and I wish you what you need.

The universe knows best.

sofa

state of the flower address (hehehe), and a clutch of subtitles like

(i can't help thinking maybe GMA's glee last week can be summed up in this rhyme: if i'm happy and you know it, clap your hands! clap clap clap)

1. compliments of M. Dean (yes i also want a free b. wax, and if i ever get to Roma... :)... oh Marilyn :) ... thanks for being on Team Aniston!... yes watch the breakup and observe carefully as the bartender best friend metamorphoses for a second, blink and you miss it, it's very ... weird... hehehe)

2. introducing existential therapy

last week even though i was late to class because i did our counseling plan (hehehe kelangan talaga nakadeclare), i still got in at a good enough hour to actually start to understand what existential therapy means. it means that, yes, flower power, life sucks.

life sucks big time even for those who have a roof over their heads and food on the table.

reallife lifesucks examples: when you find your life's work and it's a long lonely struggle where most don't understand, and those who mean the most occasionally don't either, and it's a crusher; when a parent dies, and then a parent-in-law dies soon after, and the parent of your best friend dies too; and many other life-sucky stories.

but it also means that this life, this sucky life is yours. it's totally yours. and you have this lifetime to make what you want of it. it is yours, hold it. suckyness and all, clasp it. own it. shape it.

even in the very depths of numbness, it's your choice. (an example given for a lover left here pining for a loved one abroad was, at least it is I who is experiencing this pain and loneliness for the both of us)

and so, sometimes in that often sucky life that you claim for yourself, many good things also happen. like the people whose lives you touch and change with your heart-full dedication to work.

or this picture that cheers me up no end that magya calls the hair that grew two faces. hehehe.

gearing up for when it gets worse

or so says astro dot com. o siya, nine months. the time it takes to bear a child. hehe.

Saturn opposition Venus: Adversities

Beginning of September 2006 until mid June 2007: This influence often signifies a crisis in your personal relationships. Love seems harder to come by, and you may cool off toward those who used to be dear to you. Or they may cool off. This is a period of testing old relationships to find out whether they can survive and make a contribution to your life. It is rather difficult to establish new relationships, for this is a time for culminating the old, not beginning anew.

This influence indicates that your need for relationships is in strong conflict with your need to feel like a distinct, separate and definite individual. Either you are such an individualist in your relationships that others find it difficult to relate to you, or the relationships smother your sense of individuality. You may feel very lonely even in the presence of your loved ones, because a wall has been built up between you and them.

It is absolutely essential to reexamine your relationships at this time to determine exactly your rights, duties and obligations and those of your partner. Probably you have been trespassing upon each other's prerogatives, and the tension that this causes has led to your current difficulties.

One common manifestation of this influence is becoming involved in a relationship that makes very heavy demands on you. Although you would rather not be involved in it, you find it difficult to break out of. All you can do in this case is to persist and do whatever you have to do. If you simply abandon this relationship, you will almost immediately encounter another relationship like it, and another and another until you live one of them through.

This may also be a time of material and financial adversity. Here again you will have to examine your past attitudes toward material resources and perhaps change your whole orientation toward them. Try getting along with less; you may find that you need less than you had thought.

random rules for school

1. Please don't touch my ... post-its/posts-it(? hehe)!!!! Especially the ones stuck on pages of (photocopied) books, they are precious for ... sentimental value (no, really :D, yes definitely)... and also because after one takes the time, no, the tiiiiiime to read and understand long teeeeexts, and marks important passages with ink and post-its, ... there's no repeating the process. Unless it's marked, I wouldn't know a significant part from all the rest, and there's all the other subjects I have to take where I will need to remember/ take note of one sentence. Hehe.

2. Keep apples in the fridge at all times. Yes, apples can keep you awake and ensure a safe and easy time in the toilet the next day even if you feel your cells have absorbed all the water in the air from lack of sleep, and bloated you to the size of the universe. Yes, a boyfriend once told me (several times) that I exaggerate. Hehe.

3. Have a blog. So even if your gazillion reading, research and writing hours never see the light of day in a respectable academic journal/ publication what have you that's judged by the jury of your peers, you're published. And read without judgment by your peers. Well, hopefully. Hehe.

More rules, later.

oh, mollie

My new "friend" Mollie (she of the book Counseling to End Violence Against Women: A Subversive Model) is tiring me out.

She is tiring me out because she writes so compellingly and yet I have to resist her.

I have to resist her because I want to be able to voice my questions and dilemmas in the face of the waves of her rage, her opinions and her point-blank certainty.

Por ejemplo, mi amor: "Women are always subject to the control of men, and women accommodate their behavior to mollify men and avoid the extremes of men's exertions of power. They marry, they become dutiful subjects, they cajole, they nurture, and they enjoy the few privileges they are permitted. These behaviors become defined as "women's nature."

Oh, man.

That is so true, really. And I am always conscious of that in myself especially when talking with men I am not close to. When in doubt, I tend to fall on the ever-ready gender-stereotypical ways of relating -- you know coddling egos, mollifying, soothing, nurturing, being nice. Fuck. Especially when I don't really give too much of a damn, and am mostly sure that I will not be conversing with them again or too much. When I don't care about them and I'm too tired to make an effort to be truly me, I become the cardboard "everywoman," pretty neat smiling and accommodating.

And then there are times when I have to talk to some men more, because after all we live in a world with both women and men, and I would really like to be friends, and authentic, with both, so I have to make the effort to introduce the real me, and sometimes to do it in such a way that I am not shut off/ immediately stereotyped/ but will be listened to, and will make an impact in degrees because basically, all I really want ...

Is a nice space, expanding, where we can sit and talk, and get to know each other, as real people :)

As equals.

(and of course, I have misrepresented Mollie here by just giving one paragraph of her entire book, and then moving on to my emotional reaction to reading her, which turns out to be not about her, but about me, and in fact, the bigger reasons why I am resisting Mollie is not found above but will probably be found in some other blog post when I find the time, or perish if i don't find the time, to blog instead of writing the counseling plan i am currently making "hapa" on.)

so there.

simultaneous sessions with three echanos

hehe! having fun with the echanos. i so love ... chuva. hihi.

i get excited talking with people who understand just how constricting, constipating, ... cardboard?!!!#@5&*!... traditional gender identities are. and how lovely it is just to be :)

HH said to me, But let me say in general: The more modern and emancipated you are, the more you are attracted to gays, that don't have all the macho edges from stoneage. ... At weddings I normally have the only good conversation with lesbians. It's just fate!

So I asked, did you not have a traditional gender upbringing HH?

He said, Actually no. I was allowed to cry. Was never ever told there's a difference between girls and boys...And I had all sort of toys: Weapons, cars, dolls...

And further, Actually at least I don't understand how women can live with machos at all.

Hihi. It's true. As a dear feminist friend and mentor once said to me, We all like our men to be a little 'gay'.




HH, resplendent in his new haircut (first photo), "wearing" his talk (second photo). Hehe!

Haha. My fear of flight doesn't know what to do with the news below.

Woman says ‘I do’ after crash proposal

Associated Press
Last updated 03:54pm (Mla time) 07/23/2006


ROME, Ga. - A plane that was chartered to help a man propose to his girlfriend crashed, injuring the couple and the pilot, authorities said.

Relatives holding a sheet with "Erica, will you marry me?" painted on it watched from the ground as the Cessna 127, circling low over the airport, stalled and then crashed into the ground Friday evening.

The couple, Adam Sutton and Erica Brussee, and the pilot were taken to a hospital with injuries that did not appear to be life threatening, authorities said.

Brussee suffered a broken leg, and the other two had cuts and gashes.

As Brussee was loaded into the ambulance, she said "Tell Adam I said yes," said Joshua Willis, Sutton's cousin. The ring was lost in the wreckage, he said.

The National Transportation Safety Board is investigating the incident.

you know it's a "bad" week when you opened your apple juice, and discovered it was tomato.... euck! bleah.

maybe in January, I'll feel better.

Many thanks to sister Claire for the perfect neckpiece :D.

'Twas magic the way you made it :)))!!!!!

p.s. who would have thought i kept my stud earring in place by sticking the price tag of the small container of safety pins over it. hahaha. soooo elegant.

biblio gaga

isn't it cute when the novels that you read reverberate with your thoughts? ;)

on counseling

"I hesitated. 'I don't think I'm qualified to say, Nick. It must be incredibly painful.' I wondered how long I should pause before saying "but." A few months, possibly.


"I'd realized he wasn't ready to look on the bright side, so I just shut up about it and listened. There was no making it right, so it was selfish of me to try. When he wanted to, he expressed himself beautifully. The words poured out of him."

on intimacy

"I enjoyed those conversations, even though I knew I shouldn't. It was exhilarating, Nick inviting me to share his feelings. He hadn't done it for so long. I'd forgotten how much I'd missed it. I felt privileged, close to him. This was how we should have operated as a couple. Instead, we got lazy, shutting ourselves off. I don't mean to sound pompous, but there can be no intimacy without self-disclosure."

still, Behaving Like Adults by Anna Maxted

these are all the reasons why

i am very angry with you...

because i feel you made me run an obstacle course countless times just to be able to get close to you when after all i was made to believe that we could be close.

because i don't feel you appreciate just how many hurdles and jumps i had to get through just to have those precious moments of togetherness and connection with you.

because i was always available and you weren't.

because you left me in the lurch with no explanations, and though i appreciate that many things in life have no explanations or are very hard to explain, i don't know whether you understand that i deserve so much more than the words and thoughts you have sent my way. you could have tried harder.

because i showered you with my love and affection, and though i have all sorts of shortcomings and pained you in numerous ways, i still feel that you held out against me.

because when all was said and done, in the end, it turned out that you could, after all, show love and appreciation when you wanted. and i waited for it countless times for one and a half years.

because i thought you could be the one, and you weren't. hehehehe.

this is what happens with anger that is expressed. it is halfway to gone.

and i can't be friends with you because it's just going to be more of the same thing, only this time explicitly agreed upon, where you're going to be friends with me, playing footsie with me, and i'm still going to love you anyway.

and i really want to reach that beautiful place, where there is neither "hope" nor "agenda."

for after all, if i lose a love, it should only be fair that you lose a friend.

except that friends aren't really lost.

dammit.

;))

and then there is this blog.

i'll sing na lang, once again, meredith (hahaha):

i'm a bitch i'm a lover
i'm a child i'm a mother
i'm a sinner i'm a saint
i do not feel ashamed.

ala-meredith pala

I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between

my captive counselor

counseling class involves many fun activities designed to turn your life upside down inside out and round and round :D

one of this is getting your very own counselor from the company of classmates. and you, too, serve as another classmate's counselor.

in full amusement

last night i had my very first session with my very own counselor.

we started in the only way trained counselors can start i think, "so how are you? how have you been?"

but, no.

i thought, no need for the niceties, for "playing footsie" till "we make a connection." i have long ago decided that i like her hehehe.

so i plunged right in and went full steam ahead. like a little steamboat that's pushed into the water and immediately chugs at a very fast pace to her destination.

hehehehe!

thanks, angel.

counseling, what?

my classmate asked, so is counseling something like feeling your way around your client?

teacher said, no. it's making a connection.

when you've only been making footsie, rather, simply playing games, the counseling leaves you with an unsatisfied feeling, and you sense the counselee is only being polite to you.

but when you have made a connection, and the counselee is able to unburden what is inside of her, secure that you are able to receive her, the session leaves her feeling lighter.

and you the counselor, because you know what makes you you, and are open to receiving/ knowing what makes another unique, your insides so too moved/ shifted in tune with that of your counselee. but without all of that threatening your sense of who you are, because you are secure in your knowledge of yourself.

a bit like life
so cool, no?

we can also only listen, fully receive/ be open to another (friends, family, loved ones) when we are aware of who we are, and where we are in our "process," so our presence is not threated by another's unique experience of life.

of course we also meet those whose experiences and personas "threaten" us, which then fully alerts us to our own issues within our lives.

the universe is kind that way :)

ala-nis

i'm a bitch i'm a lover
i'm a child i'm a mother
i'm a sinner or a saint

Oh! Photo! All! Bum!

buzz me for your very own link to the

Ay! Picture! Lahat! Puwet!

hehehe.


sa mata ng mga bata: ano ba ini, Lord?



Ay, kiss pala!


SWEEEEET...


RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!! It's the mad bridesmaid!!!

to the wounds! ;)

YES.

I can't wait to upload the pictures either from the deadbatt cam and the fullmemory phone...

but

it'sreallyabusybusyMonday :D

so in the meantime, let's stay with that snippet of song...

Ooo baby do you know what that's worth?
Ooo, heaven is a place on earth.
They say in heaven, love comes first.
We'll make heaven a place on earth.
Ooo, heaven is a place on earth.

To all the boys I loved before (long long ago)

The strange thing, the hardest thing, always was the part where i had to make myself believe that you no longer cared or didn’t or wouldn’t care, even though, actions speak louder than words :P

In my mind and in my heart, you loved me still :D

Perhaps I was/am the stupidest girl alive.

But yOu, even when yOu never came back, I still felt yOu loved me that's why I waited for yOu, fuming. Even though yOu never did. Even though I "knew" yOu’re so full of insecurities yOurself, you couldn't even begin to love yOurself. More so, me. (I have no idea if yOu've changed but I don't care really.)

And even though yoU couldn’t. Couldn’t possibly. I always believed and felt happy that somehow yoU knew me and saw me. That yoU knew I was a person. Even though now yoU swear to the depths of exploding Mt. Mayon and deeper that yoU never did and never will, I still insist that yoU did. Hahahaha. Maybe because I saw yoU and believed yoU were a person yoUrself that it’s such an impossible task to ask me to believe yoU’re an ogre. But yoU insist yoU are one. Hahaha. Fine. YoU're an ogre if that's what makes yoU happy. Actually, I just wanted you to be happy ... ogre.

Hahaha.

Boys, boys, boys. You are strange.

size 36

sabi ko sa kaibigan ko, ang hirap maging unresponsive kasi maliban na sa pagiging polite, ako ay loving :D

pero ang hirap talaga ng kinukumusta na hindi kinakausap. pramis. kasi di mo alam kung do you really want to know, and so can i really say, and if i can really say, then can we talk. kasi that's kumustahan.

kasi, tao po ako, tao. nangangausap at kinakausap. hindi ako poste na walang react. liban na lamang sa pagtayo sa kung saan man nakatayo ang poste.

hihi.

sister, ano ba talaga?!?!!!!! *sabay, sabunot hair*

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

haaay, importante ang hair para sa mga bridesmaid no ;))

sabi ng kaibigan kong mahilig mang-asar, bakit ang taray mo? mataray ka ba dahil bridesmaid ka na naman?

sabi ko, hindi no. happy ako. kapag bridesmaid, may bagong sapatos ;)).

as i was saying

nah, i wasn't saying anything :D


besides, it's raining too hard, too sporadically, and too spontaneously

really, too enthusiastically

to have much room to say anything, to do anything

beyond be amazed by the unbelievable rain.


i am earth,

i like rain.

ayaw

themundaneandthedivine: ang cutie auntie magya para sa log cabin summer camp mo
themundaneandthedivine: (didn't tell her the link i sent was about yoga storytelling for kids)
themoongoddesschronicles: hehehehe....ano yang indigo dreams? sabihin mo na at di ko bet mag-surf ngayon hehehehe
themundaneandthedivine: ;))
themundaneandthedivine: ayoko mag explain kakatamad .... but i love you anyway...
themoongoddesschronicles: hmp
themoongoddesschronicles: ang loving ay may sharing kaya i-share mo kung ano nalalaman mo sa indigo dreams
themundaneandthedivine: hahaha
themundaneandthedivine: i click mo lang tapos pag open ng page, self explanatory
themundaneandthedivine: no more scrolling down
themoongoddesschronicles: ayaw
themundaneandthedivine: hehehehe
themundaneandthedivine: hahaha