how labli dat lately

my interviewee said, ay sayang ate v, ang ganda pa naman ng conversation natin.

fave godson A laughed at the puppet show requested of ninang v, where gandalf asked the nazgul for more tilapia. wahahaha. sorry fave godson, ninang is too literal. turned over to him, gandalf and the nazgul resumed their fight scene. hiyahh!

my research teach said she'll give me back my proposal on friday, and that it's a very good study.

and a beloved friend emphatically telling another beloved friend -- referring to me while i was sitting beside them both -- don't believe anything she has to say about me. listen only to me and i'll listen only to you. hahahaha. da best. ;))

gremlins

pag umuulan, dumarami. incidentally, gremlins is one of the very first movies i saw on betamax in my dad's office way out in the middle of the fishponds in those bonding times we had long ago when i was a little girl.

naku, type ko siya. the sudden intimacy of veritable strangers in sweet conversation.

bakit ba kami nagkakaintindihan ng batang ito? crush ko.

ang galing galing niya. the first thing that actually got me really lusting after the men i later on wholeheartedly loved, is the way we talked. the quality of the air when we chatted. the scent of sympathy and comradeship. the acknowledgment of spirit.

soul, here we are.

say hi!

thigh-high burgundy boot

and so it goes that atenina comes over to the Philippines, and watches an English movie first thing with me. hehe.

and when the germans come, there'll be a German filmfest on, so maybe this is just the thing to do :D. when watching Rome, find a Roman.

but i've asked three young men lately what it means to them to be a man, and the movie was about what makes a man, and so that thought form is bouncing all over the place.

and in this sweet movie, this sweet guy says to a sweeter, broader, bigger mama of a sexy drag queen, "I don't know what makes a man but if it's something about being brave, then I can never be half the man that you are."

and as this soulful sexy man of a big mama hella singer drag queen said,* "I didn't do it for what you said, I did it for the adulation."

oh my foot, the kinky boot!

*and he also said, a man can change his mind about someone :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HIMAYA ;), her who is plenty parts heart :D

*applause*

some kind of hostess

there are times when am a very weird host to houseguests :D. two years ago, friends arrived an hour or so earlier than i thought they would so i sent them away. wahehehe! i mean our cleaner and i were still frantically sorting out stuff in their "guest space" so i let them leave their bags, and made them go away for a meal till house was ready.

yesterday, atening texted from the taxi, and i warned her i was all dusty and ugly from sorting out my papers, still (was still at it after lunch, after staying up all night doing so). said no beso-beso muna, hehehe. and so it went, atening arrived, and had some pan de sal with her host who looked like someone the cat dragged in! hehe.

atening has loooong hair, and bangs! :D (titaeds, mahaba na rin ba ang hair mo? :D)

applause

for other, exciting news ... i have finally sorted out almost a decade worth of files!!!! YAHOO!! YIHEE!! YEBAH!

truly, 9 years. from when i joined my last office and left it last year (1996-2005). (my files from last year to now are in order because am newly-OC with my psych stuff). when we last moved house, i had just shoved them in boxes but now they are properly sorted and labeled according to type of material, and topic for easy retrieval. and easy movement because my files are now in those carton shopping boxes. hahaha. buking ang shopping. hindi, Christmas gift shopping bags yon! di ba? ;)

so to name some of my bags and boxes of so-called files, tantananan: gender planning, feminist economics, reproductive rights and women's health, feminism, and my ex-office files sorted as gender program, campaigns and issues, org files. hahaha, weird happinesses.

but no, i still have one entire room to sort. other stuff aside from ex-office and ex-school papers ;))

now i must go and munch some organic dark choccies hehehe

strange, stranger, strangest

1. whoopeedoodee choclit
soon i'll have more choclit. ate nina asked what i wanted, i said dark choclit. tita eds asked what i wanted, i said choclit with yogurt (milka!). her hubby, hh, asked me too months ago (being german and well prepared :P) and am sure i answered choclit! i must remember to ask my sister to bring choclit, too! hmmm, wait a minute. knickers or kitkat? knickers! hehe. chocolate-colored knickers with a splash of fuschia ;)is sister's assignment.

hehe.

if anyone asks me if i have choclit in the next few weeks, no i don't have any! brown sugar you want? hehehe!

2. speaking of underwear.
am supposed to pretest my interview sked at this hour. my respondent is probably still hurrying from his class to our appointment. to prepare, i showered, and dressed. i even put on a bra! for a pretest interview over the internet! how formal can i get, huh? ;) it's black, too.

3. someone called
and asked if we wanted a dsl internet subscription. the very same thing we already have. haaaay. i told her and then she said, we're already so much kbps ma'am. right. lucky us already. hehe.

pleased :D

Your past life diagnosis:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern New Guinea around the year 925. Your profession was that of a medic, surgeon or herbalist.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
You had the mind of a scientist, always seeking new explanations. Your environment often misunderstood you, but respected your knowledge.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
Your lesson is to study, to practice and to use the wisdom that lies within the psychological sciences and in ancient manuscripts. With strong faith and hard work you will reach your real destiny in your present life.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you remember now?

come to class, my love

how lovely is a lazy day.

with a lunch
and a dog
and a walk

and a peach-orange shirt
and shorts

and nothing nothing
to do but doo bee doo bee doo
doo bee dooo ;)

time, passing

1. finally passed my research proposal WHEEEEEEEEEEEW. what a relief. (now it's time to gather the data)

2. done with one group report (now need to do the written version)

3. almost done with another group report (and then move on to the written version)

4. counselees had another crisis, hope things are on the mend

5. went to the funeral of friends' stepmom

6. went shopping for parents. it was all various shades of green. hahaha. (take note, i didn't say mail :D)

7. organized titos and titas to greet dad in a simultaneous manner ;)) (sorry, it's not militaristic, but amusing)

8. bless my parents, for they are birthday-ing, and they are loved, and so am i :D

Full Moon Lunar eclipse (p)

Seeing clearly **
This influence confers patience and willingness to do difficult and exacting work. Therefore, this is a good time to do any work that you have to keep on plugging at, even though it isn't rewarding. If this influence comes during a period that is otherwise difficult, it guarantees that for the moment at least you will be able to cope with your situation, no matter how difficult it becomes. Intellectual or physical work that requires perseverance and great attention to detail is favored by this influence. Also, this influence will help you get to know yourself better. The close attention to detail that characterizes your way of seeing now will help you see yourself and your own reactions very clearly.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mars Trine Saturn exact at 15:30
activity period from 6 September 2006 to 9 September 2006.

pahingi nga ng pag-ibig

fart. am tired. i can scare myself to death and back several times a day on behalf of many things. like a sound upstairs while i'm in the middle. or the fact that my pages and pages and pages and pages pf psychologese might not make sense when i start to reread from the top down, somewhere on page three i might need to turn on my head and do the clown dance. like a sound downstairs while i'm in the middle.

YM and friends everywhere keep me sane. it helps me to have people to confess to that i still am not done done done done. aaaaaaaargh. or whatever. it is the connections that keep me sane while i try to distill pages and pages and pages of books and journals into something i like that is already long overdue. as i work nights and sleep days, or sleep and work half-nights and half-days and think about what to eat, and act like a sikyo to my queendom.

fart. i need a boyfriend. (or did i mean a girlfriend? or my mother? hehehe) someone who has the capacity to give you some full-on loving attention (food, hugs, and affirmation) for a concentrated period of time. because they can, and want to. when you want to. no apologies, no questions asked, no guilt, no hangups, no resistance. someone you can surrender to, for love, sometimes.

puwede ba yon, universe?????? i am tired of being strong. i want to be dependent, and let someone else take care of me, for a while.

hehehehe.

ode to my tenderness

still, such tenderness exists.
perhaps it never really goes away.
just that it no longer defines ...
but stays still, in the air
a waft of something soft
and sad and sweet and
sure, still.

male Gender Role Conflict

I'm presently studying this psychological construct gender role conflict (O'Neil, 1981) that refers to men's patterns that arise when "rigid, sexist or restrictive gender roles, learned during socialization, result in personal restriction, devaluation or violation of others or self."

When seen in the context of interpersonal relations, gender role conflict implies that "men are shaped from an early age to develop a narrow range of dominant and emotionally withdrawn interpersonal responses that are recurring, inflexible, and harmful to themselves and to others" (Mahalik, 1999).

There are four empirically-tested patterns of male gender role conflict namely, Success Power and Competition; Restricted Emotionality; Restrictive Affectionate Behavior Between Men; and Conflict Between Work and Family.

Here's Mahalik's (1999) illustration of a man rigidly enacting the factor Restrictive Emotionality: "Thus, men may have difficulty telling others they care about them, disclosing and discussing vulnerabilities, and finding words to describe their feelings. At home, such a man would not readily show affection to family members or be able to ask for support and affection. For example, he may expect that his partner and children know what he feels for them even when he may himself have difficulty being able to name or experience his feelings. Also, he may expect that his partner be able to know when he needs support and is feeling bad even when he has difficulty knowing what he is feeling. Related to his discomfort with his own feelings, he may expect that his partner and children should not have the feelings that they experience. ..."

whew

Challenging the status quo ***
Valid during many months: At this time there is a balance between the old and the new in your life, between conservatism and the desire to experiment. You are able to take a new experience, see its potential and give it a concrete form in your life. You approach life with patience, willing to give everything a chance to prove itself. Consequently this is an excellent time for studying any kind of demanding new material. You can also teach the techniques you have learned to others.
You may find it desirable to work with other people in the projects that you undertake now. Their insights will help you transcend your own limitations.

The changes you made in your life several years ago have taken a concrete form now. You may have moved, changed the structure of your relationships or changed your job at that time. Under this influence, these matters are stable, for you realize that your life is different now and perhaps more appropriate to what you are.

You may feel that you can encompass anything new that comes along now, and it is quite likely that you are more able to do so than usual. And it is good for you to try new approaches - don't reject challenges to the status quo. Incorporate them into yourself if they reveal valid flaws in your life as it is. In a few years it will be much harder to make these challenges a part of your life, and you may be forced to make changes under less desirable conditions. Your sense of internal pressure will be much greater then, and you are more likely to act in a disordered or disruptive way.



Transit selected for today (by user):
Saturn Sextile Uranus
activity period from 26 August 2006 until end of May 2007.

love you

aguinaldo chatted me up today on the occasion of my new YM profile pic of a red flower.

aguinaldo: gumamela....... napakaganda...... napakayumi.......;)

aguinaldo: dati, pumipitas ng gumamela, bulaklak at dahon, didikdikin ng bato, hahaluin sa isang basong tubig na may konting sabon

aguinaldo: kukuha ng alambre sa dulo ng sampayan, paiikutin na bilog na may hawakan, babalutin ang bilog ng retasong tela

aguinaldo: ilulubog ang alambreng bilog sa hinalog dinikdik na gumamela at sabon, saka hihipan......ooooooo000000000 daming bubbles

aguinaldo: ngayon, bibili ka na lang sa toys r us, isang palstic bubble gun. just pull the trigger and out will come millions of bubbles galore

violeta: ;))

aguinaldo: kawawang mga bata ngayon, wa nila knows ang power ng gumamela and the journey to a million bubbles.

aguinaldo: kung wala silang ades, wala silang bubbles

i didn't have the heart to say, 'twas a pansy not a gumamela.

(perhaps, in the same way that chester minds that i don't know that vivi walker is not shirley maclaine. hehehe!)

bad trip, pare

bad trip! SOBRA. someone tried to get into the house last night. tried three ways. broke my window.

buti na lang i woke up when he was trying to get in at a different part. i sensed and saw something was hugely amiss, all my hair stood on end. i made noise and buti na lang, he went away. he jumped down from the balcony, heard his thud. i called the police and the tanods came over. we discovered he broke a window.

fuck, there is nothing to steal from my house i swear. so just don't.

my face is set in concrete from lack of sleep. i hope i don't go into hyper vigilance.

i should cry the terror out.

<salamat sa pagpunta. nahiya ako sabihin eh sa unang tawag. hehehe.

i interrupt my monologues for a brief announcement

did i say i'm tired? i'm very tired.

(and i'm not even done yet. eurgh.)

did i say i'm happy? i'm very happy.

i will get back to all and sundry when i am done.

next week promises to be more flexible.

(more space to ping-pong between feelings, hehehe!)

i would rather be busy. i would rather be tired.

i would rather be happy.

and for now

i am.

:)

*just spreadin' the bug*

is it safe? part 2

is it safe for me to cook in your presence :D?

NO! no way! :D get outta my sight! :D i embark on my kitchen adventures alone!in the middle of the night when the kitchen's all clear! that way if it doesn't taste good, the evidence will have been discarded by morning! :P

but here's the evidence for the happy-kind-of-ending :D



and no, i didn't eat it all by myself :D

rooommieee: namiiiit! this is how i like my chicken macaroni.

ate jo: ansaraaaap!!!!

dd via text: namit! just my kind of mac! thanks!
dd, still: buti na lang pumayag (insert name of officemates here) na akin na lang lahat at banana-q na lang sa kanila!

(hehe! i apologize in advance for not so tactful publication of texts here :D but i have to give you credit for enumerating the magic list of ingredients! thanks, d ;))

am GLAD.

but i might not do it again anytime soon as it like took me all night!!!! it took all night to mince the onions, and "ouido" the taste since i had no idea of the portions.

my brave conclusion: if you have mastered the art of making great sawsawan, you can ouido mostly anything :D

is it safe?

di kasali itraks sa is-it-the-truth series ng mga rotarian hehehe.

but this question is it for me when it comes to counseling.

is it safe to be vulnerable with you? :)

can i be at my most pained, most irrational,
most scared, most annoying,
and will you receive me?
without any judgment whatsoever
on my person, and with no
impact on your unwavering faith
that i too will eventually find my way again?

this is the way counseling is taught too (by books and at school)

and looking back at life, i always know the moment someone is dismissive
of me and my "unburdening" myself on them "you'll be ok," "move on"
because inwardly she or he would rather not hear more,
or pitying rather than empathic, "oh no, you're always like that"
or judgmental rather than accepting "why are you like that?"

(it's not even the words, it's the spirit in which they are said. and my antenna never fails when it comes to me being the "counselee")

and my most sacred of relationships are those where it is completely safe to be vulnerable.

and likewise. i am at my best when friends can feel safe to be completely vulnerable with me.

and this is the change that i would like to see in myself :)
(as of now, my "it is safe to be vulnerable with me" capacity is limited edition only hahaha)

they'll talk

yesterday a friend texted me in distress over breaking up with her boyf. today, she said they're meeting up "to talk."

ay kanami. they're going to talk. that made me really happy :D

let's not talk

i'm currently in the process of pulling myself back, down, into the ground, flat on it, for my mind to stop, and my pedals to slow ...

so i can flow with my counselees. one is not supposed to drag one's counselees ;))

the other day i dragged my counselee into some quiet time, feeling that it was time, not to talk :D

except that i shouldn't be the one to decide all that. hahaha! (yes, t, i have resolved to try ever so much harder to be girl Carl R. :P) but it was good!

do for fun?

an old boyf asked me today what i do for fun (and commenced to tell me what he does for fun).

that threw me for a loop.

i was anguished for a few minutes. am i so boring? i don't do anything fun?

but then i realized, i don't "do" fun. life just is. fun. many's the time. :D. i don't have to do it to have fun.

hihi.

i was lost and i was saved again.

these are the words to say, ilabyuisdatok?

many years from now if i keep all my trash, hehe, my notes i mean. ... i'll come upon this piece of yellow pad paper with the main ideas from my first set of research readings ... my entourage list to my wedding... and this lyric framed in a huge star: these are the words to say, i love you is that ok?

the lyrics were lodged in my brain for the evening though i didn't have the title or the singer to go with it. googling it another day, i discovered girlfriend natasha bedingfield.

These Words

These words are my own
Threw some chords together
The combination D-E-F
It's who I am, it's what I do
And I was gonna lay it down for you
I try to focus my attention
But I feel so A-D-D
I need some help, some inspiration
(But it's not coming easily)
Whoah oh...

Trying to find the magic
Trying to write a classic
Don't you know, don't you know, don't you know?
Waste-bin full of paper
Clever rhymes, see you later

These words are my own
From my heart flow
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
There's no other way
To better say
I love you, I love you...

and as the soundtrack to the mtv of me that deedee has volunteered to direct, her other song

Unwritten

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

;))