Notes from Christmas Eve

Twas the night before Christmas, and I had momentary peace and quiet and my Dad's laptop.

When I don’t try to force something into what it is not then I save myself the anxiety of ensuring that it becomes so.

@ my grandparent's house in Oz
My brother can remember from as far back as he was three. While my memory is generally zilch, this house and I contain some pretty startling and memorable stuff from many years particularly from when I was in college and onwards. After all, I have probably spent at least 20 and at most 29 of the 32 past Christmases of my life in this, my grandparents’ home. And Christmases is nothing if not a significant season.

I remember lining up with some cousins to use the landline back when mobile phones were not the norm. We lined up so we could call our sweethearts spending Christmas with their families in other parts of the Philippines. I remember setting aside some of my Christmas money so I could leave behind my share of the phone bill.

Then there was the Christmas I was greatly worried over another boyfriend. My girlfriend antenna was up but there was nothing I could do from practically the other end of the country. A psychic relative, an aunt once removed who told fortunes from a deck of cards and once predicted another uncle’s demise scared the shit out of me by commenting that I seemed to be having problems in my love life. I barely breathed every time I passed by her; her unsolicited but ultimately accurate prediction sent chills up and down my spine.

Then there was the Christmas I stayed on the cellphone till morning giggling and chatting with another guy, oblivious to or rather ignoring the fact that in the silence of the night, each one of my sleeping relatives could hear my end of the conversation.

Another secretly despondent Yuletide, I would sneak to our bedroom and grab some precious privacy to be able to cry my heart out, at the beginning of a lingering process of saying goodbye. And wasn’t it just the other year when I all too regularly checked my email for messages from another guy, which came or didn’t come but at a different pace from the one my heart desired.

This year, I am willfully without longing, and circumstantially without attachment. I think of mostly my friends as I idly watch and smile at the antics of countless nephews and nieces. I have no angst but am simply nursing a cold.

A-choo! Bless me and you :-)