:|

sometimes, i go to class to save myself.

a broken spell

two weeks ago, ate v bumped into the tall mirror i've lived with in the last 13 years. crash, it broke, breaking the spell.

yes, a spell.

roommie and i, time and again, have stood before the mirror, and shook our heads. there's a spell to the mirror. almost everyone that has lived with it, and left, has gone into significant relationships, or worse, married.

only the two of us have continued to live with it faithfully, every morning checking to see if our shoes match, no, compliment, the rest of our person.

now it's gone.

who knows what might happen next ;)

p.s. as i write, five men have gathered around the mirror in front of my gate, perhaps contemplating their shoes in the broken shard. certainly, deciding who gets to take home the unexpected gadget.

the dogs

kanami. kanami. kanami-nami.

because i am gay.
and straight :P

and curvy.
and broad.
a broad.

and plump.
and short.

and twirly.
all curly.

because.
i love.

harvesting one-liners at one am

Sometimes, simply by sitting, the soul collects wisdom.
-Zen proverb care of my gmail futureminders email

love me, feed me, never leave me.
-Garfield care of cable tv

:D

in tuition

eeeeww. you know your intuition's working when you seem to know things without any basis whatsoever.

if you think about it, it's kinda freaky. but that's what intuition is for, to not think about anything.

and then one day, you'll just wake up, and say, oh.

Becoming Athena

Or the making of the stalker sisterhood :P

I'm currently fascinated with the Athena angel card in my angel deck. It says:
"It is safe for you to be powerful. You know how to be powerful in a loving way that benefits others as well as yourself."

It echoes Gracie in the discussion we had before Christmas when she said, power, per se, is not a bad thing. I was arguing that some forms and practices of power were better than others, and she was asking if I was saying that power is bad? I guess she is right.

It affirms my recent thought that we women do have power, and we need to step into our power. We need to become Athena.

We women give our power away all the time. ALL THE TIME. Consciously and unconsciously. We do it when we let others make the decisions for us. We do it when we let others run the whole show when in fact we have many essential things to contribute. And in fact, could make things very different, and in many ways, better, if we also let ourselves run the show, now and then.

I give my power away every time I wail, does that mean he doesn't like me? Because whether or not he or she likes me is not the point :). I am me anyway, and that's what I ought to focus on. It would be great to be liked back, but feeling bad if someone doesn't like you back is giving away my power. It's giving away my power over my wellbeing, my self-esteem, and my responsibility for myself.

And giving away power is totally losing by default. Because as Athena says, let's run that by us again, women know how to be powerful in a loving way that benefits others as well as themselves. We also need to lead.

Because when I say we need to be aware of, accept and exercise our power, I don't mean we abuse this power in order to manipulate or abuse others, or use power for egoistic ends, or just to have our own way, *stamp foot*. But rather, for us to exercise power for what we feel and know is best for us and others. To use our power to actively love ourselves and others.

****

Over lunch of kimchi and spicy beef stew, a gf and I hatch our project, a secret society of sorts, the sisterhood of stalkers. Hehehe! Rather, gf wants to make *some deserving person* secretly happy. Make him/ her feel liked and special (as he or she is). As we drew up the plan, we cackled and giggled in glee, and clapped our hands in anticipation.

And we agree, women need to step into their Athena selves.

****

Becoming Athena includes allowing ourselves to love all those whom we love, and to be loved back.

Alice

Because

you rubbed

my shoulder

last night

a poem

traveled down

my arm.

- by Alice Walker

from the book A Poem Traveled Down My Arm:
Poems and Drawings
hardbound copy in startling blue
found today at Booksale Megamall
for the splendid price of P105

;)

if i could draw cartoons, there i'd be in mini skirt and sneakers leaning on this big block of chocolate and i am refusing to turn around and bite it.

because I am stretching my EQ.

i know if i make even one bite of my favorite chocolate, i'll feel sick.

tada!

i have an exam, a paper, and homework

because love is not a contest.

and moreover, it is a choice.

and it is a choice that can be made repeatedly, for many people, in different ways.

it's a bit like the multiplication table :P

go figure.

inimbento: konsepto

made up this concept on-the-spot in a text conversation with gf. said i, i believe in "constructive access to information." hehe! it simply means, personally, i don't need to know everything, but i need to know enough. and i try to practice this in my relations with others in my bid to gain karat points in the Confucian after-world (read: the golden rule, hehe!).

luckily, when i recognize what it is i truly feel and know what i want to do, the right opportunity, and the appropriate and accurate turn-of-phrase usually just present themselves, without too much planning :) synchronistically-speaking, the how and when come up, and i take those up.

it's just that it's important to me to know enough to be able to make my choices and considerations. to be able to pick my risks myself, and take responsibility for them. (mom and i were talking about this last week, about how some men will consider and make decisions by themselves or amongst themselves on matters that also very much concern the significant women in their lives. and how they would be so much more helpful if they also ask the women what the women want to do, given the situation, so the women can state their own preferences, make their choices, and take responsibility for these themselves.)

so i try not to keep my significant people in the dark about things on which they might need to make their own considerations about.

and it is very important to me personally, that all this sharing of information is done in the right way, using the right words which are the proof of a loving motivation. i can tell when other people or myself for that matter are sharing stuff only to appease their/ my ego or hurt others. then i want to kick them... myself! hehe. or conversely, when people are not sharing information in order to have the upperhand/ hurt others/ appease their egos.

for instance it is very clear to me that when i tell others that i feel that i am feeling very pretty today, that it is because i am feeling good, and wanting more attention. :P lol.

and eerily, my horoscope agrees with me again.

Making things clear
Valid during several weeks: During this time you may be inclined to keep your opinions to yourself and not communicate them to others, even when you should. At the same time you may be more in touch with the hidden sides of your own personality, your unconscious drives and compulsions than at most other times. The first of these two effects may be undesirable or inappropriate, but the ability to get at hidden areas of your character can be quite useful. The problem here is that you may feel that others will hold anything you say against you. And this may be true, especially if your words are motivated by petty ego concerns. But it is even more likely that what you don't say will be held against you, so it is very important at this time to say everything that has to be said.


The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mercury in the 12th House 12 exact at 23:44
activity period from 23 January 2006 to 10 February 2006.


Horoscopes!

we love each other by "needing"

and being needed

It's not true that life becomes challenging when you encounter problems. Life also becomes hard when other people you love have "problems." In fact, one of my biggest challenges in the past few months and up to now, is how to be "ok" when someone else I love is "not ok."

Oh my, it's hard :).

First of all, you miss them :). You get used to the easy love, affection, friendship, company, what have you, and you miss their presence in your life.

Second, it worries you that they are unhappy/ "not themselves." When you yourself are the one who's unhappy, you know that if you sit with yourself long enough, it will blow over, and the joie de vivre appears again. And that in fact, being sad or problematic or "not yourself" is actually being yourself, still. But when it's someone you care about, it's pretty hard not to worry even though you know worry won't do you or the friend or the lover or the family member any good, and even creates this restless negative energy that probably compounds the situation, and makes it worse for your loved one (and what great help you've been then).

It's harder still when you don't know what to do, and it's been some time.(Although of course, you know very well that this isn't about you, and you should cease and desist from making a loved one's "hard times" become about you). Even though your wiser self knows it's not really about "doing", you feel helpless and cannot help wanting to "help" or "do" something to improve the situation.

One of my counseling psychology classes emphasizes in red ink, bold caps, and repetitively, that the psychologist's first task is to understand. But this is easier done when your loved one talks to you or is in a problematic-but-expressive-mode. Or when they are specific about their needs, like chester's "Eula, I need someone to check on me now and then."

But what if they aren't in communication mode? It becomes a real honest-to-goodness dilemma then: whether to let alone or probe now and again. What if they do want to communicate but need encouragement? Or what if they could really need some company, even quiet company, but are too "troubled" to do the inviting? What if your occasional probing (like when you say "Better to try than not to have covered the possibility at all") makes them feel "pestered" by you such that they hope not to see you even more for a longer time?

What then?

Perhaps, the best thing to do is stay centered and calm yourself. To recognize and release all "missing," worry, and the occasional resentment that pops up, and radiate only love and light. To be OK even when loved ones are NOT OK.

But of course, this is very hard to do indeed, especially with those you are attached to. Otherwise, why else would I need to blog-talk myself into it? :P


p.s. also have this draft post entitled "we love each other by 'feeding' and eating"

a bright day outside

dear sweetie,

in wiser clearer calmer centered moments,
i know the only task to life is to live in the moment.

in strange difficult challenging times,
i know there is no other choice but to do so.

to address only that which confronts us in a second,
to blank the mind to all other thoughts, terrifying possibilities,
to trust that if we let go,
of all other moments that came before,
and all other moments that will follow,
the universe will stay on course, on track, as always,
though it may not appear to do so.

for the first task we have is to help ourselves,
to heal ourselves, to be cognizant of our truths,
that we cannot be helpful of others' healing
if we don't face that which lies first in our hearts.

so like the mother that cradles the infant,
hold yourself close to your heart.
there you are protected, nurtured, comforted
there you can weep, cry, rail, laugh hysterically
if necessary at the ways of the world
that seem almost at once in the same moment
mysterious wise good frightening.

let there be love and light.

:) still, chester, we say no to fear and yes to love. but it'll work itself out, without our conscious intervention but with merely our intention :).

how nice

Date of Birth: 01/08

If you're a Capricorn woman in love, V, you'll love today. You could plan for almost anything, from a little trip together, to a lifetime replete with children and grandchildren. Even though your foresight sometimes overcomes your spontaneity, yield to the unexpected a little bit. The future will be bright after the gloom of the past few weeks.

May

May the Good Lord bless and keep you till we meet again :)

Mama Maligalig

What does maligalig mean? mi mama asked two salespeople and one cashier at that boxlike department store, having set her whims on this aqua teeshirt that said, Maligalig. One said pasaway, another said magulo, and later roommie said, magamo. She asked again, but isn't maligalig positive?

Perhaps maligalig is this.

Mama: Do you have a weighing scale?
V and A laugh: Bawal 'yan dito. It's anti-self-esteem.
Mama rolls eyes: It's not to measure your weight, it's to weigh luggage.

perhaps, pag-ibig

and some say love is holding on
and some say letting go
and some say love is everything
and some say they don't know ;)

the angels are rolling their eyes

hahaha. kuwento ko lang ang katuwaan namin ngayong mga araw na ito. ako at ang mga anghel. kinukulit ko sila ng iba't ibang tanong na nauuwi lamang sa iisang malaking tanong. paulit-ulit, pare-pareho ang kanilang sagot. di naiiba promise. pero pilit ko pa rin tinatanong muli. halimbawa na lang, kanina, tanong ko, mga anghel, ok lang ba na mahal ko si bryan? may saysay naman di ba na mahal ko siya? heto ang sabi nila (di pa kasi ginawa ang angel card na nagsasabing: tama na yan ang kulit mo).

the now
archangel michael: i am with you, giving you the courage to make life changes that will help you work on your Divine life purpose.

block
grace and antoinette: to help heal this situation, see the other person's point of view with compassion

angel guidance
archangel uriel: your emotions are healing, which enables you to open to greater love. i will help you release anger and unforgiveness from your heart and mind.

at ang kicker, probable outcome
daniel: i am the angel of marriage, and i am assisting you right now

hahaha! sabi ko kay angel daniel, ikaw talaga! ikaw na naman! opo, ganun na nga. sa every other reading ko lumalabas si angel daniel. sabi ng oracle booklet, ang mga cards na laging lumalabas ay mga messages na gustong i-highlight ng angels.

generally, kahit ano ang tanong ko, ang laging lumalabas na themes ay: a cycle in your life is ending (celeste), ang tungkol sa life purpose, at si angel daniel.

at promise, i shuffle the cards. at meron talagang cards na di lumalabas, ever, sa akin.

so anyway, sinong gustong magtanong ng mensahe ng anghel? kuhitin niyo lang ako at basahin natin ang booklet. ako lang ang mag-shuffle :)

and this too shall pass

Learning to trust
Valid during many months: Under this influence you will become increasingly aware that all the truly important events in your life occur without your conscious intervention. ...

My life these days reverberates with the above part of my current astro.com long-term astrological forecast. Many things just happen without my conscious intervention -- often because these are all beyond me, anyway -- but with such a big impact on me, and my wellbeing. I can simply follow where the arrows point, follow with my heart and my hope, because that's the choice that's left. Whether to follow with leaden feet and clenched fists or follow hoping that things will turn out ok, somehow, one of these days, including in a form that I never imagined, even though it doesn't look or feel like it at all for the moment.

Things like the airplane not crashing two days before Christmas :D. Though this can be attributed to my fear of flying, that situation and my fright felt real enough to have made that threat probable. I mean, if it felt real to me, how could you argue? :P

(I thought then that the universe having forcibly brought me back to Manila may have been a concrete manifestation that i was "meant" to spend some time with you on the days that counted. Because otherwise how could I have? And this was really really what I wanted to do anyway.)

Or the fact that I can pinpoint the exact moment your caring mutated into seeming indifference without apparent rhyme or reason. One second you were telling me you were going to miss me, you had gotten used to being with me that day for hours and hours. The next you took me home, didn't hold my hand back, and left, almost without a backward glance.

Or my sadness at the coming of the New Year, and New Year's Day. Usually I am filled with peace and hope.

Or your continuing indifference that feels like the days when I found out my first love had somebody new, and had decided to act on it. Same time of the year, same situation. Just before Christmas, he took me home and held my hand, asking why what was the problem with holding my hand (at that time, we had already split up five months before Christmas)? Two weeks later, he failed to respond to invitations to celebrate my birthday, but sent me a letter telling me all about her. He was firm but kind to the weepy call I couldn't help making: V, enough please. He said that what we had was precious but it was time to move on.

Or the grief that simply swelled within me during my birthday, that I could not pinpoint to any single incident, but just was. You walked in, somehow, at the end of the day, and though that made me smile, and was the only possible feel-good response to my grief, you felt different still. Different from the day before the New Year when you, too, held me.

I almost expect to see you walking by holding someone else's hand one of these days, because all of this really really feels like the lost first quarter of January 1993 that I spent filled with love for my ex, in super catharsis. Like the way I cannot help but relive and grieve over every moment and funny incident that we ever had, cannot help but carry your picture in my head wherever I go, and cannot help but try to stay away too because not staying away would hurt even more.

Or the way I cannot help but try to reach out to all the people around me who might have the patience and love to sit with me and hold my hand, and tell me things will be all right, promise. Because I currently do not have all the imagination or the bigger heart that I need to carry me through. (Dearests, forgive my neediness, my kakulitan, I feel like a child these days that's lost its favorite toy, and simply need the time to grieve. I will appear like I don't understand all the rational hopeful things you will say, like some kind of bobo fixated girl who refuses to move on hehehe, but I just need somebody to cry to, like almost all of the time, hahaha).

What tells me to get hold of myself, and sustains me, is how my blessings continue to abound. Love and comfort are so near these days, and there is so much to be thankful for from life itself, to my snazzy digital cam, or the fact that I can drink myself to oblivion with all the wine in my ref these days. Hahaha. Or the knowledge deep within me, from previous experience, that all these too shall one day come to pass.

afterthought 1 (one of many): and probably this is really not about you, but about me, and the need to let go :).

almost like i love you to death

i would stand under a lamppost
and take all night to say
i love you i love you (i love you ...)

the very thing that will drive
you further away i love you
i love you (i love you ...)

smaller and smaller you become
the farther away you run i love
you i love you (i love you ...)

my lips continue to mutter
though you disappear from my sight
i love you i love you (i love you...)

till you're well and truly gone.

hehe

o siya, babae. tama na muna ang drama. mag-aral ka na. magtrabaho. magligpit ng kusina. hubarin mo muna ang kasentihan at kadramahan na nakabalot sa iyong katawan ... naku naku hayan na naman :D

hahaha.

nais kong magising sa pagiging pariwara, at mabuhay sa ngayon,
sa katotohanan ng aking kinalalagyan,

ang pagbuhos ng malamig na tubig sa baso mula sa pitsel,
ang haplos ng hangin mula sa electric fan,
ang pagtagpitagpi ng pira-piraso kong pagiisip na nakabulagta sa
iba't ibang dako ng lungsod ng quezon.

bumaba mula sa ulap, tumuntong sa lupa,
pakiramdaman ang sentro
na nag-uugat sa pinaka-sinapupunan ng mundo
tumayo tumaya tumawa
maging buhay, mabuhay sa kasalukuyan
sa sandaling ito
ang buhay ko

manifest-o

i am in luyag, in love, in loving mode.
but one of these days, i'll get over it :)
without losing the faith that love
will always manifest.

it's there.
it's inside of me, inside of you,
around us in the air that we breathe,
and the light that we live.

affirmations

guidelines for writing goals and affirmations

write with a positive tone
write in present time, as if the goal/affirmation has already occurred
write as specifically and as succinctly as possible
write about yourself rather than trying to change others
write words that you understand and use in everyday life
write with as open a heart as possible

-from the Sacred Journey, daily journal for your soul 2006

34

THANK YOU. :)

The thing that makes me crayo today (hahahaha, crayo na naman ;))) is the same thing as last Christmas, and it's the wonderful way in which the universe always comes to my rescue. It always heeds my heart's cry and responds in ways that defy rhyme or logical reason.

Yesterday, I really was sadder than sad, starting my birthday in tears, and so on in spurts throughout the day. But still in the midst of grief, I was surrounded by loving and helpful friends, affirming my desire to sit and spend time with intimates, because they are the ones who matter and who have cared, and birthdays are also a good time to sit together, and break bread, mugto man ang mata o hindi.

Then too, though far away, love from family surrounded me. And actually from every perspective I take, I am chock-full of blessings and angels who are there for me, whether I expected or asked for them or not. Sobrang dami lang talaga.

Still, almost amusing because I could not help it at all, I was in so much grief, when you just want to cry and cry, and just have someone cooperate and sit there with you, and let you cry and not protest, and tell you, that everything will be ok somehow, someday.

And then in cinematic manner (lol!), the universe responded to my grief, and I say thank you. It helped a lot, thank you. It strengthens my resolve to stay open to what will be in store for me this year, contrary though they may be to my mind's fixations. I want to be open and trusting and willing to be directed where I need to be though I may not have thought of these at all. I do not want to be fixated, but want to be open. I want to be able to let be, let go, let flow, including receiving those blessings that come unexpectedly. I want to have faith.

I pray for the same things for people I love who too are in sad times, for them to be sad as they feel, but remain in the faith that things can only and always get better.

The serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

bagong taon

my only resolution this 2006 is to try to really be where i really am :), if that makes sense.

and as a sub-resolution, under that:
to wear all my shoes ;)

********

so many things to be thankful for. among them:

1. i am thankful for finding myself in a good place, and humming a good note at year's end :)
2. i am happy to be alive.
3. i am thankful for having sat next to a cheerful chuckling baby on the flight back.

some wishes, random:
1. i wish my loved one comfort and joy. i wish him these as in a chant.
2. i wish myself peace, quiet and a brave heart.
3. some people i wish love in romantic form: capricorns P, C

********

Never mind, love

never mind, love

the old hurts, the pains
we took, the anxious joys,
the dreaded hopes

never mind love,

that's shed like
skin gone dry,
we'll try again