ding - dong

goes the new doorbell :D

it ensures we don't get irate at visitors even before we see them (the previous buzzer could wake up the dead...BUZZZZZZZZZZ, or give you a heart attack). needless to say, it contributed nothing to good relations with bill collectors.

*****************

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FAVORITE INAANAK :D
(my other kumares don't read this blog so there, hehehe!)
aemonich, the wonder child future president and ballet dancer :D

oh my goddess, you're just only three, but speak with a BIG voice, can articulate WELL, and have this smart sassy funny sense of humor. and i love the way you reached out your hand to be held, when you got scared of the shower nozzle. aemon elias, few adults know how to do that -- reach out in a fright, and know that love is available.

bless you :) (and your parents too)

say what?

Ate V, and Mang Fernan the early electrician, are asking after the Christmas tree.

SIGH.

so very into

IT

you know when you want something, anything, to turn out well, you really put yourself into it? :D

it's like an unspoken unconscious rule that we imbibed somewhere along the way. and so when something really matters to us, automatically, we put ourselves into it.

when we have work to do, and we want to do well, we really (here i go again) ... put ourselves into it :D

and when something we were responsible for didn't end up fantabulous, we know deep in our hearts it was because we didn't put ourselves into it :)

or you know how sometimes there's something we have to do, and we get all stressed out because we really want to do it, and do it well, but our plates are full, so we really can't put ourselves into it. and we hate that (i know i do).

and so, too with relationships. how will friendships prosper (the ones we want to prosper anyway) if we don't really put ourselves into the friendships? no, they won't, not really. well at least, my best friendships are the ones where i am most me, i am in it. or for instance, parenting. if we don't take the time, it's not going to happen.

put that way, it's so simple pala. hahahaha ;))

it's like cleaning house. it's never going to get REALLY clean if you don't get down and dirty. it gets as clean as the effort and expertise you put into it.

and so i've realized, that's also what being in the moment means. you have to be in your moment, to make that moment count :D

i know that when i play hooky, i have to make sure i am very into playing hooky that time or else it won't work. i'd have missed class/work, and not enjoyed the escape as much, having been plagued by guilt.

so anyway, things -- work, relationships, this very second, life -- only work out well pala if we are really into it :D hahahaha.

i mean i knew that, but not quite :P

p.s. and this is also why, when we've put ourselves into it and it didn't work, then we get our hearts broken. it hurts more than if we hadn't. but at least, we did, and we'll have less what-if's. other than, what if we hadn't put ourselves into it? hehehe.

wistfully, regretfully, gladly

:)

as the filipinos go on a four-day weekend, i end mine :)

drifted thru four restful days, slept, read more golightly (go lightly),
saw mambo kings drank coffee in an earthen mug on those rainy days
walked for meals made a budget, and thus prepared, wilfully wrecked
it, wrote sorted arranged in my head what was next, went to see those
who asked, was busy kept happy mostly alone with my self and my self,
even my thoughts went away.

today, i've gone back to work. i dance to my own rhythm, sing to my own tune.

but right this moment, i am so very sleepy.

want to catch a nap with me? ;)

ma-joy-pops

ma-joy-pops, originally uploaded by Pansy.

Wait, let's make that bigger.

ANG GANDA NI NANAY :)

ma-joy-pops

ma-joy-pops,
originally uploaded by Pansy.

ang ganda ni nanay :)

Why it’s worth it

Some people will say that teaching young men to be gender-sensitive is wasting meager resources that can be more helpfully directed to services for women. Or rather, why spend money on the men instead of the women who are the victims of male abuse?

But if we don’t teach the men, how can they change? I was lucky, the first time I joined the young men’s camp, I documented for J’s workshop. She drew widely and deeply from personal experience, from personal relationships, on things both superficial and substantial. Like how choosing or making a gift for a loved one is a pleasure women and men should experience, and take time on. Or how women love sensitive men, those who will take the time to understand (who will train themselves to make pakiramdam). Or how women love men who are expressive, and will show their appreciation of the women in their lives. Or how men are stressed by the burden of breadwinning, and cheated out of caring for their kids, or tricked out of perfectly healthy and natural ways of flowing with life: crying, laughing, hugging, showing one’s affection.

That when women and men are given the opportunities to develop fully, wholly, to be able to be emotional and nurturing, and relating, and to be able to achieve and nurture ambition, they are better persons for it. Able to touch on and learn from the vast experiences that life has to offer, able to develop in more complex ways, able to share more with each other, being more of themselves.

I was lucky to be in J’s workshop because I learned a lot from her, and could relate with her completely. Teaching young men is a lot like teaching the significant male others in your life how you want to be loved and treated. While I often shy away from training because I often feel I will run out of things to say, I could relate with teaching boyfriends. Sometimes when you love someone, there’s just no other way to get treated better by that someone you love, other than to teach them how to do it and why.

Of course, I would prefer not to have to teach it too. Who wouldn’t? That the men would try to figure out by themselves how things could be better, or how to love their S.O. more fully without having to be prompted or being given a step-by-step comprehensive sweetheart-improvement course. I often think that people have a responsibility or at any rate, are equipped with the intelligence and the hearts to come upon the more subtle, more just, and wiser things in life. But sometimes, they really won’t unless you point it out. And then too, it can also be just a matter of skill and technique making the difference in terms of intimacy and happiness.

So there we were, teaching young men that mutuality is the way to go in relationships – that mutual pleasure is more rewarding than performance, that power-with is more fulfilling than power-over, that everyone eats so everyone must also do the dishes.


**************************

And speaking of the dishes, love is really a lot like doing the dishes.

I used to go into all kinds of rages when housemates took the dishes for granted for too long.

Or rather, by letting the glasses pile up, they seemingly assumed that the glasses will become clean by themselves. (And I wasn't even very strict, I think. I can stand dirty glasses for a few days or so, just not most of the time).

But they wouldn't, would they? Someone's gotta wash them. And so if you gotta drink, you gotta wash.

A lot like love. If you go the passive way most of the time in a love relationship, it doesn't mean love happens when one is passive. It could, yes. But not all of the time or half of the time, at least. When you're being passive, and just waiting for someone to make things happen, or do the bulk of caring, it probably means, someone is. Now that isn't very fair or feel very good for that other someone. Passive can mean, you're passing it on. While you're drinking it in.

Yes, love also means work. But it's work that leads to more love and pleasure, and terrifically worth it, given half a chance (just ask HB! :D).

**********************

Having said all that, here's how to love me. Hahahaha. How about that? A little instruction booklet to go with myself ;)) This is all a little tongue in cheek, btw :) so don't take this post too seriously unless you really have to. Hehehehe.

I don't require much. I can eat by myself, amuse myself, talk to myself, love myself. Failing that, I also have really intimate friends and family I can be with.

1. Some witty repartee: have fun with me thru text or yahoo messenger or email or in person.

2. Some food fests: let's spend some time indulging our taste buds together

3. Some cozy time: the best part of a gf/bf is the license to hug and kiss when you're feeling blue or just want some cuddling

4. Some bonding time: I want to be able to tell you about me, and you about you

5. Some quiet time: I love it when people I love are nearby, and we don't even have to talk.

Now, five "some times" don't really add up to all the time, I promise. I'm flexible, and can go for longish no-togetherness periods for as long as I know I'm appreciated. That said, in those times:

6. Think of me sometimes in a day, say hi.

7. And tell me about you too :) Sometimes just a short disposition or location update makes all the difference, no explanations needed always. Just, hey I'm in blank. Or hey I'm blank. I don't need to know where you are most of the time doing what, but particularly when we're apart, I want to be able to imagine where you are, thinking what, feeling what. You know, just an idea of where my love is right now. Because my love's like that, even if you aren't. And how hard is it to give that when it means you keep Vivi happy? Hehehe.

8. Be free with the affection :) like it's not a prize in a contest that I have to win. If I love you, I probably really love you no matter what which means you can probably be almost anything and do almost anything (except make it with my friends) so you probably have nothing to fear or to regret and everything to gain which means there won't be anything wrong with being affectionate back. And nothing to be gained by being masungit and mataray except hurt me when I'm tired of it

9. Make time for me too. I can probably deal with all the other things you need to do, if you can make time for me too, along with all those, and not put me at the end of the list, at the if-when section. I'll see you if I finish this today and then, I'll see you only for thirty minutes. Chances are, you might not finish it today anyway, so you might as well see me today for 45 minutes. Hehe! I mean, pencil me in, make me a part of your system :) and this need not be everyday at all. Just don't leave our seeing each other to the fates all the time, to the rain or to the traffic situation.

P.S. I too have other things to do. Making time for me ahead means I'm not the one who gets by default, the task of freeing time when you say you're free. Because when it's taken so long to see you, chances are, I'll want to see you already too.

10. I feel a little more needy when I'm away, or when I've just gotten back from somewhere far, and chances are, will adore some alone time with you asap.

11. Everything is negotiable, given a loving attitude. And I can give as good as I get, and more at the times necessary (when you're the one feeling needy).

*******************

And yes it's a free will universe so given all of the above, you can stay a sexist young man/ man if that's what you want...

You can choose to be a lazybones lover, if that's what you want...

And you can say no to me :). It's allowed. (I'd probably wish the wrath of women on you, but I doubt that it would work. Given the state of society, there are a hundred more women willing to love.)

But no, really. In the end, it's about us-- you and me and he and she, and our individual journeys and lessons, and the collective growth we gather together from living out our life's destinies (and don't let that scare you free-will advocates, destiny stems from one's choices).

And I'm too chatty this Tuesday, thus far. :D

recent scenes from an old friendship

1) late night: you listening intently while old tales of heartbreak were told over shakes, fiolo laftaf open, research paper forgotten, on another table. friendship first.

2) middle of the afternoon: you nodded, and i'd turn the page, and we'd read on further into the novel together, mr. golightly by sally vickers. outside, the propellers hummed, turning, propelling us, in airplane, home.

3) lunch: deep into my exam week, hours all accounted for, you padded down the stairs and we discussed, lunch. with the delivery, i left papers, and we ate, a quick half-hour of food and friendship, filling.

4) afternoon: a stressed week behind, and one ahead, i insisted on a retail break, and we walked miles of mall searching for the perfect flip-flop for my fussy feet. you looked at me fitting, and said "happy." enough of that, we slid down our seats for the fantabulous Spanish movie (where the women wore sexy heels).

5) evenings: i was lucky. i caught both your crab dinners -- shell-breaking, sawsawan, loads of rice, coke, and laughter. crab-greed and crab delight.

6) anytime: anytime would find us in sala, on sofas, talking intently of our lives, our loves, our selves.

thanks for the company. till next time. take care :).

Back from the Young Men's Camp

M and B met each other
with a kiss at the airport and then,
we drove thru metro streets
to buy dibidees.

at home, i lay down on cool parquet floor
waiting for my swaying soul to
alight align once more with body
already smoothly landed, via PAL

no one asked me to dinner
and i asked no one
stomach grumbling: i thought of
Y's wide bright smile,

P intensely listening and silent
J's shy eyes. young moslem men: mabuhay.
yes, they too live, love, and are lonely
in Tawi-Tawi. as we are.

and oh, how i miss the view.

the importance of pasabi

i wanted to see you on a tuesday
before i flew off on a wednesday
to live another lifetime without you.

but i didn't know where you were
tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday
and the weekend. without you.

because girlfriends jump when you ask them to

Because girlfriends jump when you ask them to -- for a photo opportunity, in solidarity, just because -- we set off for Boracay :)



Hello, blue skies.


Hello, yummy brunch.


Hello, sunny beach.


sailboat sungay




the kissable sunset


keep off the grass at the mall


pissed at love


sigh, that full skinny dipping moon


thank you gfs for a wonderful time. :)


and soon enough, hello smoggy sunset.

sounds bongga

Refinement *
At its highest, this influence denotes a refined spirituality in love, with a total lack of selfishness and a feeling of complete soul-union with a loved one. At its worst, you might be disappointed in a loved one who did not live up to your expectations, which were probably unrealistic in the first place. Daydreaming, probably the most common effect of this influence, is usually harmless and pleasant as long as you are aware of reality. You will experience a refined sense of beauty and a desire to have your surroundings be as lovely as possible. However, you are not in a practical frame of mind and should postpone anything that requires good judgement in relationships or finances. A positive effect of this influence upon relationships is that you feel a selfless kind of love.


The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Venus Conjunction Neptune exact at 06:41
activity period from 11 October 2005 to 12 October 2005.

courtesy of www.astro.com

go!

let me be bold and say these out loud :D let me be kapal if kapal will let the universe know, i'm willing.

i wish our mini-research on synchronicity in therapy can be published somewhere ... why not that psych journal? ;) simply because it's interesting! can be of popular interest! can spark more research! can provoke reflection and growth! wahahaha! ;)) kapal nga.

i wish Maybel's story can be published simply because it is truly a story worth telling (and thus one I truly enjoyed writing). i wish more stories like Maybel's can be written and published as a series. i think HB's group would be willing, when in time, Maybel be willing too.

so there, go! i am willing to do the necessary revisions and additions and expansions. for free, even (ooops. with pay, good too :D). just don't make me write it in filipino. not now, anyway.

prayers for pakistan

oh mother. i'm trying to do a short article on health communication which unfortunately involves disaster communication, and it's hard to do because it means surfing some more on that killer quake in Pakistan. unofficial estimates count 35,000 dead. it's hard to imagine 35,000 people together, more so perished, more so children.

and i am especially scared of earthquakes after that time in 1991 when the lamppost on a street campus started swaying in wide arcs (and that was the least of it then).

and so, prayers for pakistan, and india, and the himalayas.

ditcher

dear chester,

i'm sorry to miss your concert, and the general camaraderie and good times of a hundred like-minded, same groove people (or not) all in one location :D.

i decided to ditch it at half past five, when having passed our 45-page research paper, i recognized that i am two days behind sked, and moreover, am afflicted with this new disease called i-wanna-do-well :D

i have eight articles to submit to that other ngo down that other road, plus an exam tomorrow.

i'm sure it went well. i know you know you always have all my support (psychic or more) in all your endeavors.

lookin' forward to some groovin' gf times with you again soon. trick or treat!

love,

eula

kris aquino wears red on mondays

the other day, my new black slippers weren't enough to top up missing you.
i stood leaning sideways on the bathroom wall and cried.
sometimes, it's not true that love comes from nowhere.
it comes from hidden spring or perhaps a plant,
that likes being sung to.
(but still, it's there. of course, it's there.
was there ever a threat it wouldn't be?)

today, finally the blazing hot sun.
will beat on me when i finally submit that lovely paper i've been slaving on.
wherever you are, may the sun find you too.
and may you think good kind thoughts of me.

oh NO. oh yes ...

Kick me.

I've just left my P157 kilogram of Purefoods bacon bits and ends on the tricycle. And I can't remember anything about the trike except that he followed instructions as to where to pass.

Bread and cheese. That's what's dinner going to be, I guess.

isn't she lovely

Introduction

We learn new things every day. Like keeping company with the very wonderful Stevie, I've just realized that Isn't She Lovely is about a baby! Hehehe! ... I can see the Priestess rolling her eyes! But Priestess, how was I to know the entertaining Perfect Match was actually from Nick Hornby's Fever Pitch?! But as I said, we learn new things daily :D

Isn’t she lovely
Isn’t she wonderful
Isn’t she precious
Less than one minute old
I never thought through love we’d be
Making one as lovely as she
But isn’t she lovely made from love?

*******

But Anyway

My ugly self has reared its head once more. So better stay away till I get it sedated, or it's spent, or lulled by the smell of money, or flushed in the toilet, or melted away by my love and amusement. Or drowned in milk chocolate.

It's the usual. Everyone has a shadow. And I have finally finally realized that when I start to get that feeling, yes, that feeling when-I-ask-now, I-mean-now or-else-I-will-explode and-now, and that why-do-I-feel-like-I'm-that-fixture-in-your-life-again-that-you-take for-granted, make-some-effort-and-now!, I must keep it to myself. Hahaha. While it's in combustible form anyway.


********
Gifted with that rare experience, a smooth and worry free taxi ride in the dark of night, I flattered myself wondering if my love holds you up, too, like a beam of light picks out, and holds, an actor on a stage. Love like light, both wave and particle (now you know tita e, why I asked you about Einstein). Love like a sunbeam, love like a spotlight that warms you. Without you knowing or needing that or not.

...

......

half-time

ambot na lang kung ngaa nasajahan gid ko ni sang amon research man? kung ginasulat ko na gani, daw nanamitan gid ko kag ginakilig. mga naka 20 na ka "sorry talaga" ang groupmate ko sa akon kay kulang iya gakapasa pero daw mga naka 20 man ko ka "don't worry". hehehe, nasajahan na ako na lang.

it's the only thing that can keep me invisible on yahoo messenger for hours on end, keep me mum on text, and even stop me from harassing him to text me more often. the world disappears.

must go though, have class. must end the paper tonight too. for numbers 5, 6, 7 await. and there's racket, it's number 8.

3/7

pardon me ;D

buttheysaidwehadareallygoodreviewoflit
wewereabletotieupandrelatethedifferentcomplicatedconcepts
plustheysaidtheresultswerewellorganized
andtheyhadnonegativecomments, justencouragingones
isaidthankyouseveraltimes

iwassoglad:D
iguessthisiswhathappenswhenyoulikewhatyou'redoing
youdon'tevenmindatallthatyoudid75%oftheworkofthegroup
ohthankyouuniverseitwasgreatfun:D

synchronicityrocks.

(andthankgoodnessihadthepresencetojotdownmypresence'sfeelings
whenididsoididn'thavetoworryaboutthefinalpaperanymore.
didthreeofsevenontime. kewl:D)

1/7

finished my case study--Maybel's Life--and passed it during class.

whew.

;)

six more to go.

i finally found someone

who can keep an umbrella.

yes, i have. :D

yes, she has.

KEPT

her

umbrella.

well-used too. not locked up in an
aparador somewhere.

she's had it since
high school.
and this am she brought it
with her.
to grad school.

me in my 3-week-old yellow umbrella.
she in her old and faded six years and counting
PAYONG.

ps: buddha and priestess, i dare you. ;))

i live with me, and i am loved :P

on a good day alone, i can get into all sorts of little ecstacies by myself (:P sounds dodgy).

like waking up after a full nine hours sleep ... (on the couch where one collapsed after staggering into the house last night) ... looking in the mirror ... and seeing one's lovely post-sleep complexion :D

like looking into one's cellphone (out of signal for the last nine hours) and seeing another interview confirmation with a research respondent (nevermind that the interview is going to be on the exact afternoon before the actual research presentation)

like after turning and tossing aside brunch options in one's head, one is able to make a yummy meal without having to go out of the house into the hot sun or expending energy indoors for less than five minutes: microwaveable spicy mexican rice from one's mother, roommie's or tita e's can of chunkee corned beef (microwaved too), one's brewed coffee, and for dessert, two sticks of tita e's french chocolate, and short sips of roommie's diet coke. and am set for the day :D

like being able to spread one's stuff around (food on one stool, readings on the other, fiolo laftaf on the coffee table, and diaries on the other tv table) without having to answer to or feel guilty for the mess

and surfing by hbo to catch jeff bridges and barbra streisand's finally found someone movie.

mmmmmmm. yummmmm.

one october

GOOD AM! Welcome to my most productive weekend EVER!

(hehehe, a little mindsetting goes a long long way ;) ... I must write my finals paper, finish my case study, do half of our ppt, etc)