tanned brown with green eyes

ahh, that monster, you know. that strikes like a dagger to your craw. do you kill it, do you slay it? do you feed it, justify it? is it cool? is it love? is it stuff, baggage you're carrying around?

what to do with jealousy? what's the dish on possesiveness?

1. go off the deep end.
Like what Grace Adler did in last Saturday's episode of Will and Grace. When she realized that Diane, her hubby Leo's ex, Diane, was the very same Diane, the only woman Will has ever had sex with, Grace saw red. She went off to the kitchen and chopped the life out of all the tomatoes. She screamed, "Dinner's ready!" when the tomatoes were juice.

2. scold the issue away
In his book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey tells the story of his little daughter's birthday party and how the little guests wanted to borrow the new toys his daughter had received as gifts. Now, Stephen, being known as a relationship guru got self-conscious that the parents present at the party were wondering how he would deal with the issue, whether he could make his daughter share. So he went up to her and asked her to share. She wouldn't though, she flatly refused, and kept on clutching the toys to her chest.

3. deny it
When it really bothers me, I truly can't deny it :).

4. confess it
Though I hated having to do it, but in the spirit of being true to my suffering self, I did tell a gf a few years back when I was jealous as hell... err uncomfortable and unhappy... that she and this guy I yearned for ... were chatting. Hahahaha, silly but true. I was not at all ready to share him, even with people I love!

So.

Later, when he had some time to think about what happened, Stephen said he should have not scolded his daughter. Instead, at that moment, he should have allowed her the feeling of possession. He said he should have just deflected the kids' attention from his daughter and given her the space and time to fully possess her new gifts and toys. He said that when his daughter would have fully claimed ownership of the toys, then she would have been free to share the toys with the other kids.

A teacher of mine also said that people find it easier to forgive when they are happy or secure. So I guess, in the same vein, it is harder to get jealous when one is secure :). When happy and secure, sharing's a cinch.

That's why it was never an issue for Grace that Diane was Leo's ex. She knew that Leo loved her. What hurt was that Diane had gone to bed with Will,and Grace and Will, who loved each other fiercely, and knew each other inside out, who had always been there for each other, had never gotten it on. Will is gay but how come Diane?!

Awww, poor Grace.

But Will did say, just when Grace was about to chop Diane to pieces at the dinner table, that Diane had meant nothing. That he cared about Grace. That in fact, Diane and Will happened when they were drunk, and Will was grieving over Grace. Spent the entire day at Jack's crying over Grace.

So Grace was mollified, and the green monster shrank and disappeared into thin air.

As for me, the problem with confessing to gf, was putting some of the burden on gf. I knew that gf loved me, loves me still, and wouldn't do anything unknowingly to hurt me. Still, it's a no-no to stop people from getting to know each other, and I knew that.

Stephen's story was reassuring because it affirmed what I thought then. That the reason I felt so jealous, gf, was because I never knew where I stood with that cutie :P He was never mine to share, and that was a particularly sticky time. Thank you for bearing with me then.

and all I want to say is that when the green monster pops up in your face, be patient with yourself, getting over jealousy is a process. it's great when the people you're having issues with love you, and will sit with you thru your stuff but it's not always the case. some things you have to sit out alone.

fill yourself with love, and stay away from sharp objects. :P