Why it’s worth it

Some people will say that teaching young men to be gender-sensitive is wasting meager resources that can be more helpfully directed to services for women. Or rather, why spend money on the men instead of the women who are the victims of male abuse?

But if we don’t teach the men, how can they change? I was lucky, the first time I joined the young men’s camp, I documented for J’s workshop. She drew widely and deeply from personal experience, from personal relationships, on things both superficial and substantial. Like how choosing or making a gift for a loved one is a pleasure women and men should experience, and take time on. Or how women love sensitive men, those who will take the time to understand (who will train themselves to make pakiramdam). Or how women love men who are expressive, and will show their appreciation of the women in their lives. Or how men are stressed by the burden of breadwinning, and cheated out of caring for their kids, or tricked out of perfectly healthy and natural ways of flowing with life: crying, laughing, hugging, showing one’s affection.

That when women and men are given the opportunities to develop fully, wholly, to be able to be emotional and nurturing, and relating, and to be able to achieve and nurture ambition, they are better persons for it. Able to touch on and learn from the vast experiences that life has to offer, able to develop in more complex ways, able to share more with each other, being more of themselves.

I was lucky to be in J’s workshop because I learned a lot from her, and could relate with her completely. Teaching young men is a lot like teaching the significant male others in your life how you want to be loved and treated. While I often shy away from training because I often feel I will run out of things to say, I could relate with teaching boyfriends. Sometimes when you love someone, there’s just no other way to get treated better by that someone you love, other than to teach them how to do it and why.

Of course, I would prefer not to have to teach it too. Who wouldn’t? That the men would try to figure out by themselves how things could be better, or how to love their S.O. more fully without having to be prompted or being given a step-by-step comprehensive sweetheart-improvement course. I often think that people have a responsibility or at any rate, are equipped with the intelligence and the hearts to come upon the more subtle, more just, and wiser things in life. But sometimes, they really won’t unless you point it out. And then too, it can also be just a matter of skill and technique making the difference in terms of intimacy and happiness.

So there we were, teaching young men that mutuality is the way to go in relationships – that mutual pleasure is more rewarding than performance, that power-with is more fulfilling than power-over, that everyone eats so everyone must also do the dishes.


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And speaking of the dishes, love is really a lot like doing the dishes.

I used to go into all kinds of rages when housemates took the dishes for granted for too long.

Or rather, by letting the glasses pile up, they seemingly assumed that the glasses will become clean by themselves. (And I wasn't even very strict, I think. I can stand dirty glasses for a few days or so, just not most of the time).

But they wouldn't, would they? Someone's gotta wash them. And so if you gotta drink, you gotta wash.

A lot like love. If you go the passive way most of the time in a love relationship, it doesn't mean love happens when one is passive. It could, yes. But not all of the time or half of the time, at least. When you're being passive, and just waiting for someone to make things happen, or do the bulk of caring, it probably means, someone is. Now that isn't very fair or feel very good for that other someone. Passive can mean, you're passing it on. While you're drinking it in.

Yes, love also means work. But it's work that leads to more love and pleasure, and terrifically worth it, given half a chance (just ask HB! :D).

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Having said all that, here's how to love me. Hahahaha. How about that? A little instruction booklet to go with myself ;)) This is all a little tongue in cheek, btw :) so don't take this post too seriously unless you really have to. Hehehehe.

I don't require much. I can eat by myself, amuse myself, talk to myself, love myself. Failing that, I also have really intimate friends and family I can be with.

1. Some witty repartee: have fun with me thru text or yahoo messenger or email or in person.

2. Some food fests: let's spend some time indulging our taste buds together

3. Some cozy time: the best part of a gf/bf is the license to hug and kiss when you're feeling blue or just want some cuddling

4. Some bonding time: I want to be able to tell you about me, and you about you

5. Some quiet time: I love it when people I love are nearby, and we don't even have to talk.

Now, five "some times" don't really add up to all the time, I promise. I'm flexible, and can go for longish no-togetherness periods for as long as I know I'm appreciated. That said, in those times:

6. Think of me sometimes in a day, say hi.

7. And tell me about you too :) Sometimes just a short disposition or location update makes all the difference, no explanations needed always. Just, hey I'm in blank. Or hey I'm blank. I don't need to know where you are most of the time doing what, but particularly when we're apart, I want to be able to imagine where you are, thinking what, feeling what. You know, just an idea of where my love is right now. Because my love's like that, even if you aren't. And how hard is it to give that when it means you keep Vivi happy? Hehehe.

8. Be free with the affection :) like it's not a prize in a contest that I have to win. If I love you, I probably really love you no matter what which means you can probably be almost anything and do almost anything (except make it with my friends) so you probably have nothing to fear or to regret and everything to gain which means there won't be anything wrong with being affectionate back. And nothing to be gained by being masungit and mataray except hurt me when I'm tired of it

9. Make time for me too. I can probably deal with all the other things you need to do, if you can make time for me too, along with all those, and not put me at the end of the list, at the if-when section. I'll see you if I finish this today and then, I'll see you only for thirty minutes. Chances are, you might not finish it today anyway, so you might as well see me today for 45 minutes. Hehe! I mean, pencil me in, make me a part of your system :) and this need not be everyday at all. Just don't leave our seeing each other to the fates all the time, to the rain or to the traffic situation.

P.S. I too have other things to do. Making time for me ahead means I'm not the one who gets by default, the task of freeing time when you say you're free. Because when it's taken so long to see you, chances are, I'll want to see you already too.

10. I feel a little more needy when I'm away, or when I've just gotten back from somewhere far, and chances are, will adore some alone time with you asap.

11. Everything is negotiable, given a loving attitude. And I can give as good as I get, and more at the times necessary (when you're the one feeling needy).

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And yes it's a free will universe so given all of the above, you can stay a sexist young man/ man if that's what you want...

You can choose to be a lazybones lover, if that's what you want...

And you can say no to me :). It's allowed. (I'd probably wish the wrath of women on you, but I doubt that it would work. Given the state of society, there are a hundred more women willing to love.)

But no, really. In the end, it's about us-- you and me and he and she, and our individual journeys and lessons, and the collective growth we gather together from living out our life's destinies (and don't let that scare you free-will advocates, destiny stems from one's choices).

And I'm too chatty this Tuesday, thus far. :D