state of the pansies

realizing the weirdness of my hours, and the possible dire consequences of such on potential morning appointments, i have lately been engaged in attempts to "normalize" my rhythms. so i say goodnight to those within goodnightie radius at half twelve or one, climb onto my bed, turn off the lights save for my reading lamp, read my amy tan (the opposite of fate) and wait for oblivion to steal me away. alas, amy tan is too entertaining/thought-provoking, and here i am at half past two am typing away on fiolo. on other nights, i read till four or five, or tossed around till four or five, or dozed then was startled awake by peculiar night sounds, or the alien gruntings of my aircon, because i have been like that ever since i woke up to thieves trying to get into my house last year, or gave in and worked till five or six. and so sad to say -- dare i say it? oh the shame -- i have been waking up at 10-11 am when i sleep at 3-4 or 11-1 when i sleep at 5-6, and in the past two nights because i have been ill, i just have slept the mornings away wholeheartedly.

so this is where i'm at. it's a tuesday-turned-wednesday so i have just had a very enjoyable night again at my inkblots class because i found out from when i changed seats during our second meeting, that i just have a natural affinity and affection for this class and am developing deep respect and liking for our very witty and seriously-in-love-with-his-subject to the point where he will print out copies of the lectures for all his students teacher. i like this class so much i am having idle thoughts about using inkblots for my imaginary thesis.

i also have a monday class that i took out of fear (that my time might get so unstructured i'd be bored or miserable or both. oh and that i'd get grossly undisciplined, or all three) and ignorance (i've lately been having young kids as clients and thought what i know about kids i can count with my fingers so i might as well educate myself more, but maybe i should have a kid instead so then, i'll know) and stubbornity (heeeee sounds much better than stubbornness) because this teacher and i haven't got the hang of each other, and i thought i'd try again. so as you can see, simply from my reasons, this class takes a little more effort to go to and have fun at. :D

i am also doing my thesis starting this semester but i have only gotten to the point of dipping my toes in the lake because i have been as yet extremely preoccupied flirting madly with other things, flirtation being the first step(s) to a serious commitment. i have been involved with testing and preparing psych reports for another insti (where i love the boss who says thank you back when i say thank you), with putting up a wholistic-oriented (what?) magazine, and with fixing up my stuff and my house (a lifetime preoccupation with bouts of frenzy timed with transition periods). but dipping my toes felt very very good so my hopes are mostly up. (up in the air or up-timistic, hehe).

my roommie and i are also taken with planning the daily menus and the weekly groceries (or rather, every ten days groceries) which might make you think we're running a fulltime carinderia or a gourmet restaurant instead of simply feeding three girls two meals a day. but since there's no running away from feeding the third girl task, we thought we might as well maximize the meals in terms of taste and, well, taste. hehe. it also takes planning so we don't end up with too much leftover or have one too many unsatisfactory meals. we have nightly assessments and recommendation sessions, not to mention reconnaisance missions to the refs to see what's what and what's up. hahaha. sorry, but that's how it is.

the peace and present equilibrium of my life wasn't always so. four weeks ago, i was crying into my pillows before sleep and at odd hours, for having been separated from my sister -- we had literally been in each other's hair for eight months straight. and it might be hard to explain, and therefore unexplainable hehehe, but we were (are) great friends, and got along really well on very very many levels, and had loads fun, too. it's hard to imagine for those who didn't live very closely with us and knew us very well, and hard to describe to anyone else except for one or two friends fitting that description plus our mother, so i didn't/ don't try very hard to do so (as you will see from this blog :), and from my conversations with friends). suffice it to say, that it was real, it was (is) love, and it was grief. and i know that's already enough info for those who love us and those who may not know us but who empathize (thank you).

but as with most things that are and real and truly love (not contrived nor illusionary), it respects emotional honesty, recognizes natural flow, and is grounded unconsciously and consciously, in the awareness and understanding that everything is always as it should be, and we are always in the right place at the right time. and so, four weeks hence, sister and i are once more firmly entrenched (were we ever dislocated, it was just the necessary motion) in each other's lives, this time through text, and email, and the fact that often my last thought before i go to sleep (when i am finally able to these days) is that she is well and can overcome the many bumps in her UK road. closely followed by the guilty thought that she would only be helped by me and my thinking if i truly believed she can, so there, i picture that she can.

which brings me to my thought that perhaps love, those we love, are truly our last thoughts before sleep, and how this brings up that i am also presently in the last throes of accepting the deep and abiding incompatibility (shot through with a very real love) between me and my last, err, love(r). he was often in my thoughts before i started snoring, and it was my oft-repeated wish that i was also in his, but it's a real sign of our incompatibility that i could not possibly be in his as much as i wished to be as he probably did not could not even say on any random night whether he would in fact be sleeping or at what time, and perhaps he might have just woken up. so there, me. hehehe. plus i say in the last throes because i grow more detached in the face of similar stimuli. but let's not get ahead of ourselves, lest i need to resort again to whining about ex-love(r) in the near future. hehehe. sorry, but that's the way it is.

i am also at this point in time, on a conscious process of building stronger relations with my family members, near and far, fully recognizing the fact that sometimes it's quite hard, and as such, this is a lifetime endeavor, but that life would have no meaning without family and so, even if i sometimes really need to run away for a while, this is really what life is all about :).

last week, i also, following my flow, renewed my ties and promises to do voluntary counseling with my other practicum insti. i can't tell you how immeasurably better i felt after doing so. i want to do therapy/ counseling. i want, i want. i might super suck at it, being such a super newbie needing lots of experience and guidance, but i find i am much happier by having ensured i will still be doing it at this point in time (outside of practicum or a formal practice) :)

while i was in bed writing in my head, i also thought that i don't believe in self-improvement projects but rather in awareness, and acceptance, and in living from awareness and acceptance. it is through that process, that one -- dare i say it? -- that i can truly flow. and if i haven't learned this after sitting in my favorite teacher's class for three sems in a row then i really haven't gotten the benefit of my oh-so-expensive tuition.

finally, after weeks of not being able to put my finger on it, i finally found the words that mattered to me as a thesis advisee. i don't need a super-duper-brilliant-academician adviser. i don't want strangers. more than anything, i wanted someone who believes in me. and with that, i feel i can do mostly anything.

;)