at that time

at that time it was
the funniest and most embarassing thing
in the world and though the memory
left my cheeks pink and hot
i survived, laughing,
and applauded myself for my nerve.

(we even chuckled about it together, long after)

now, i am still laughing but ever
wary and weary of rebuff, the slightest
hint (even nothing mistaken as no)
clams me up, safe and traumatized
and, oh no dear me, oh no.
yes will do and it would be wonderful.