afraid

Back to Rhonda with the ringlets :) (yes, when Starting Over moved from Chicago to LA, life coach Rhonda started sporting ringlets. A bit disconcerting but hey, idol ;)) )

You know how it is, you started reading a book a few days back, set it aside, and then something rises to the surface in your full glass of water :P. In Fearless Loving, Rhonda starts by saying everyone lives in fear, and loves from fear. She asks, what are your fears about love? In effect, what are your myths about love?

Me: I love but I am always afraid that love will willfully hurt me. Like there you (I) am, loving, open, vulnerable, and love (your lover) turns around and bites you in the butt (buttbites you). I am always afraid of being surprised like that, so, often, particularly after bad moments (bad moments are bound to happen anyway, whether intentionally, unconsciously, accidentally or synchronously), I will say to myself, wag na lang. And withhold my love. Or try to anyway. Which could be a good or bad thing depending on the person I love, but especially if it’s a good person who loves me, withholding my love and trust just ends up hurting me and loved one.

A lot of this fear came from my experience with most difficult ex, where we would get together, and we’d be happy, and I’d be happy and trusting. And then a few hours later, or a day, or a week, I’d be with a gf, and this gf would know some things that bf did, and the house of cards would once again come toppling down. And the things that ex-bf did weren’t things that were or could have just been mis-read. He really did cheat on me, he was always hurting what we had, was very often bad, no ifs or buts.

I got used to hearing bad news, became expert at taking it calmly, suspending reaction, going on with my daily life. (And who sees how your spirit bleeds? Sometimes not even yourself.)

And before anyone goes and says, well it was my fault after all, I should have known better, blah blah blah blah, you should know that one shouldn’t be tried and executed for trying, trying again, going out on a limb, hoping, blah blah blah. After all, love is a process, it takes two to tango--- in this case, two plus plus plus -- and I eventually learned or as what often happens, was forced to learn :). Also, on hindsight, in the tradition that Rhonda is trying to spread, he was obviously operating from a lot of fear. More fear than I ever, would ever live with, coming also from his experiences of love and life.

But my point in bringing up the deader than dead past (alleluia) is that such experiences can very powerfully shape one’s notions and fears of love, and can greatly influence how one proceeds with life and relationships. Sometimes without me seeing it, it’s like I’m walking forward but with arms raised warding off imaginary blows. Which as you can imagine, is not a very joyful way of walking.

Remembering all this now makes me understand again what I am afraid of, why I’m afraid of bad news (because in the past, bad news came and hurt me), and why I am most leery of opening my arms wide for an embrace, and being willfully, intentionally, or thoughtlessly hurt still.

To each his or her own crosses, but we must rise :).