a scary girl like me

aaaaaaaaaarggggghhh. this is a bitchy post, be warned.

i've had our "general" cleaner, the electrician and the plumber over in the last few days, and i'm just about tired of them all. introvert girl always has to work up energy and motivation to be able to sustain having to supervise many people in her own home, also called the place of rest and quiet where may it please me not to have to talk to a single soul for hours on end. i mean they're all nice but it's trying to "have people" for several days even if it's for my purposes such as a cleaner leak-proof house with lights. hahahaha.

(plus, i talked with the engineer again today after successfully avoiding contact for probably a year now, and he still doesn't listen. hahaha. probably his antenna was up -- uh-oh, there's this girl again who hates my guts).

i've also been bouncing from cleaning, to reading, to examining my conscience (must get to my nice racket NOW) and while i'm picking up some good tips and thoughts from Starting Over coach Rhonda in her book Fearless Love, it's also adding to my frustration (mostly because I wanted the book to solve my problems for me :D hahaha, but I discover that I already know a lot of what's in it, and think I'm living many of the ideas already. not all though. hahahaha)

anyway, now i know (as if i didn't) that i really want the 2 C's and 1 R. yes, i think only commitment, communication, and responsibility will work. commitment because with all the growing up that each person has to do in this life, and all the personal stuff that gets tickled when in relationship with another, it will really need commitment (stick-to-it-iveness) to be able to make progress (or rather a loving life and better persons). otherwise, a hundred fresh starts will do you no good. because people are "comprehensive" (hahahaha) -- they are never just wonderful, they're also annoying as hell. while you may want to cuddle with them 7 times out of ten, three times you want to throw them out the window. and the gap time may just be seconds. (oh yeah, i forgot the times when you don't really feel too strongly one way or the other -- to chuck or to hug, that is the question.) so only commitment ensures you're there for the comprehensive education program it often becomes (while joyful, fun and funny, also often boring, tiresome, and despite your best efforts, you may not often get good grades)

communication too because our ESP powers aren't as yet fully developed, and while there are a thousand ways to relate, direct, kind, loving and mutual communication makes up the bigger chunk of relationship. otherwise, if you weren't communicating, you would in fact be, by yourself, or with others. not together, in relationship. or more specifically, while i enjoy sharing about myself, and appreciate being remembered, it is not a relationship if you don't share about you.

and third responsibility. while i do many things wrong, it takes responsibility to realize that i don't really "do" those things to you. i don't make you feel what you feel, or make you react the way you do. it's you and your experience or your stuff that does that, not me. so, take responsibility. i am innocent.

and damn it, vice versa.

:P