fear and loathing in MM

sometimes sitting in dr. m's (hi t! ;) ) class is like doing transcription. you want to write down every word she says, because everything is meaningful :) at least the ones you get to digest in the split-second before she speaks again.

this is what i brought home last night. i went to class with a glass of strawberry-kiwi shake (yum, yup second in a row HB), and went home recognizing the truth about not stopping at awareness. rather, while we start with knowing, and being aware of our truths, what is more important is how we then start to live from those truths. we cannot leave it at, yes, we know. we need to shift our being into that truth and live from it. in doing so, we grow into other truths. in short, we grow.

however, there's no short-circuting the process either and saying, oh, we grew already. this is why am never comfortable with a friend's focus on change, saying that it is the most constant thing in this world (i feel saying this he's just protecting himself from being hurt by the change.) sure :). but change becomes natural, becomes part of us when recognizing our truths (emotional honesty, joannie calls it) becomes natural to us too. then we don't need to notice or comfort ourselves with the thought that changes just happen anyway, because when we are emotionally cognizant of our truths, we are the change that happens. the change is us.

this is also why it gets to me when friends also say, move on. because i feel it shows they don't know me at all. because i do move on :). and simply noting down (blogging!) or sharing my troubled thoughts with you is just simply that. me marking the moment with you, saying this is my truth now. those who know me very well, never say move on but simply listen. or agree or disagree, without invalidating what i'm saying.

but the truth is, i am guilty of the same crimes, i see that now. i am often uncomfortable listening to ate v's stories of her hard life, not because she doesn't have the right to tell them or to mark her moments with me. but i get afraid. i feel pressured to solve her problems because probably a lot of the time, i can solve her problems. and probably, a part of her also wants me to solve some of her problems because we do have that dynamic. i have more resources, and more knowledge in some areas, and it is a power equation in my favor. as with many things in life, it is a dynamic, and it is up to the two of us to work out a comfortable process where she gets to say her stuff without neglecting her work for us, and i get to help her without her depending wholly on me to solve her problems.

that's not the first realization i've had either about me being uncomfortable with other people's discomfort, sadness or sorrows. some time recently, i realized i was no longer afraid to open my eyes to my dad's sorrows or fears, when he has them. before this, both consciously and unconsciously, i was leery of too much connection because connection implies seeing and accepting. right now, i am more ready to receive him and can be there for him in more ways than previously. and like many gifts of the self, being ready to receive others means also that i will get to learn.

so i recognize it when some friends are unwilling to receive me, to just see me and stay with me thru my joys and my sorrows. that is ok. maybe, at some point, we will still get to receive one another. maybe not. maybe you will get to receive others. maybe you already do.

what's key though is the awareness. we have to own up to what we feel. to own up to and to own. we need to possess what we feel in the moment that we feel them, and having fully possessed them, we can let them go. then we move on.

a whole universe of joys and sorrows open up to us when we own up and own, instead of ignoring, denying or running away from our truths. we grow into this universe, and we grow some more into others.

(err sorry for the spate of stealing other people's titles ;))