hearts and flowers

a few weeks ago when we met up, she was brimming over with stories. over full, she flowed over. and i sat beside her, and listened.

and at the end of it, there had been no time for me. and i felt a little deflated like no connection had been made. the energies hadn't been exchanged. i missed her being in the know about me.

but along with love, and acceptance, faith exists in friendship.

today, she asked after me. you, how are you?

and i wept as i told her this and that. not copiously. just wept. not heartbrokeningly, like gorgeous jude law wept. just wept.

sometimes, we just need to feel like we're worth the time to be listened to fully and well, to unburden without having burdened. to just be.

and life goes on :)

* * *

did i tell you about my guilt?
oh, the things i do to myself.

i feel guilty for not knowing/ remembering my favorite teacher's birthday.

i feel guilty for having a backlag of papers.

i feel guilty for having promised one last documentation for someone, that i've been putting in my planner every single week.

and until i feel i'm "good" again, i stay away.

guilt is no good at all.

* * *

a few weeks ago, my therapist and i played with some metaphors.

i told him i was a flower on a field, and that i felt exposed, like people could just step on me if they wanted to be mean.

when we were done, when we had uncovered that i wanted to be good because i wanted to be loved, because i believed that to be worthy of love, one needed to be good,

i told him i was a flower on a field, but i was exposed. there was a light that shone directly on me, so everyone knew not to step on the flower.