heehee

by the hair of my chinneee chin chin

on the last day of my semester, made 203 hours of the required 200. heee heee heee.

The Queen of Swords card reversed suggests that putting up a wall may have served its purpose, but it might be time to let go of the false security that could be interfering in your love life. What was once a defense could now be reinforcing feelings of abandonment, irrational thinking or self-deception. It may take more will and courage to try again than to remain the long-suffering martyr. When you find you are tired of being right but alone, you can change your mind and find resolution or healing beginning with an honest acknowledgement of the situation, along with responsible and direct communication. Grieve for your losses and accept that love isn't perfect. An underlying belief that perfection can exist is what creates such disappointed expectations in the first place.

little did we/i know

maybe because the secret poet in me thrilled to the poet in you; no matter my news
knew that you too knew the blurred edges of melancholy; no matter too much:
licked it gingerly like a puppy would (wounded); at the edge of somewhere and far far away.

knew that in the unsaid: the iceberg, bonfire upon bonfire stoked against night
perhaps, i (thought i) knew that about you; did know that about you: and thus,
it is so; as always there is comfort in kindred: of course those birds knew what they were on about.

haaay. am depressed. there, i've said it.

i'm taking it as a sign that there are things to think about. you know, explore.

and as motivation to, more than ever, plod on. strive on. onward, christian soldiers.

nothing is more depressing to the depressed than standstill. it spirals. down.

but then again, what else is at the bottom, but the bottom?

besides, i've nothing much to be too depressed about. hehe.

except that i can't help but notice it, a constant companion hiding behind the columns.

probably signals a lifechange of some sort. what could i be ready for?

peebeebee

yes, i keep track of Pinoy Beeeg Beee!

but what's making me chuckle tonight is how sister is simply amazed at how "strange" the pinoy version is. like the issue of zeke and dionne being super close, and their "close encounters".

scene: 1 girl housemate giving zeke the third degree as to what he was doing getting the choclit from dionne's mouth [hahaha. it turned out she was ironing and the choclit was looong so she asked him to get the rest that she could not bite off, and he did so with his mouth]. him getting annoyed at the tone and slant of her [other girl housemate's] questioning; her saying that, perhaps, they are getting too close [one ish is that d has a long-term bf] or that they are getting too close without being on the same page [one hoping, the other not].

scene: Kuya probing Zeke about how he feels about the closeness with dionne. is he encouraging it, does he feel she likes him?

well, according to zizter, in the breeeteeesh version, Kuya would be questioning the questioning girl housemate for interfering, and not guy zeke.

yes, i see it. the cultural context. it's quite funny. such that the physical closeness is such a big ish here but so normal in other social situations. eh kasi si dionne kinagat si zeke sa balikat. (she bites him. violence ba daw yon tanong ni Kuya?)

eh kasi mahilig talaga ako mangagat at mangurot. wehehehe.

let down

for some unknown reason, i feel bummed today. you know that feeling when you've been running on adrenalin, and it's spent?

i guess i've been on adrenalin in the last two weeks ... three weeks ... two months... going on three now.

and suddenly, am just sooo verrrry tired. verrry verryyy tirrred. huhuhu tired.

:D drama.

solemn occasion

let us celebrate the passing of this momentous day.
we went shopping yesterday.
i didn't buy any shoes.
i didn't want any.
no shoes.
none.

but,
there are some things i would like
and one of them is to go back to the clear sea
and the bright sun and the wonderful wonderful beach.

sweet

natawa na naman ako kanina sa aking pagiging very-good student. nakalimutan ko na puwede palang pumasok ng 30 minutes earlier sa class para mas may time sa exam (natural, all my hardworking and ddktd classmates came in 30 minutes earlier hehehe :D). buti na lang naka-mindsit ako na this time i have is the only time that i have so ganun na nga. yon na. hehe! anyway, bagong ligo ako nun so masarap ang feeling.

what a fun exam though :D. gumawa kami ng psych report sa loob ng 3 oras. medyo tricky ito kasi may mga 1 hour ka para i digest at i put together sa utak mo (at sa puso, naks) ang isang tao (mahabang writeup tungkol sa kanya tapos maraming test results) tapos may dalawang oras ka para sulatin at i-print. eh medyo mahaba ang kailangang sulatin, maraming sections so di puwedeng basta sulat sulat ka lang. kelangan ayus-ayusin mo para umabot ka sa patutunguhan (or maka-pasa ka man lang sana). hahaha. ang saya. masaya siya kasi kahit tricky, masarap gawin. pasalamat na lang ke Lord kung natuntun mo ang pagkatao ng client (in epek, napakinggan, naintindinhan at natanggap mo siya,... at!... at sa pamamagitan ng paggawa ng report...nakuwento mo siya sa loob ng tatlong oras).

woohoo! sana siya nga yon Lord :D pag ganyan kasing may time limit, parang ako lang yan na nakita ko sa kanya. hahahaha.

but i really enjoyed it. hmmm hmmm.

pero masarap din siguro maging "client" ng 20 students. makakapagbasa ka ng 20 reports about you. counseling by consensus na ini. hehehe.

cute

mga cute na nangyari sa buhay in the last few days:

1. sobra akong naging busy. as in 5 am na ako natutulog. (pasensiya na sa mga sanay magpuyat at mga laging busy. nahalata na hindi ako yon. pero sleepyhead kasi ako eh. nakadikit ako sa kama ko lagi at saktong 7-8 hours ang natural sleeping pattern ko).

2. sobra kong kinareer yong mga susulatin ko na pati ako nasuka na sa sarili ko. (naloka ako dun sa kung paano ko inedit to pseudo-perfection yong first nine pages! three days ko ginawa yong first nine pages!!! ano ba vivi, tama na! hanggang sa naloka na ako, wala na akong pakialam sa dulo! heehee. pero ok lang kasi sobra akong kampante kasi may groupmate ako na mas matindi pa sakin! hihi! :D)

3. sa sobra kong busy di ako kumakain ng husto (tama lang para di magutom tapos work na naman tapos takbo takbo) at puyat at pagod ako, so, in effect, pumayat ako in two days!! hahahaha naloka ako. di ko yon inasahan. (hindi ko sinasabing payat ako, pumayat lang!!!)na deprive ang fat cells ko at nag lie low ng slight!

4. sobra kong kinareer yong paper (di ko sinasabing ako lang gumawa kasi sobrang hindi talaga at laki ng pasalamat ko sa groupmates ko!!!), yong parts ko sa paper, na pagkatapos nun, numb/desensitized na ako. sobra akong naumay! di ko na masense kung magaling ba kami o hindi at kung understandable ba o hindi. sa sobra kong daming alam, wala na akong naging alam!!!!

5. pero maganda yong reactions/ feedback. para daw kaming vaccine!!! hehe. wala, private joke ko sa sarili ko!!! kasi sa sobrang pinaghirapan ko ijustify yong approach/ focus namin, di ko inasahan na suportadong suportado pala yon ng teacher ko!!! vaccine kami!! hehe. (parang an ounce of prevention baga)

6. tapos nag short training pa ako kanina. tapos nalowka ako kasi di ako makadiskarte dun sa ibang participants kasi ang kukulit ng mga may alam na!!! sagot sila ng sagot!!! paano ko ma reach at mapaintindi yong iba kung distorbo sila with their kagalingan!!! hehe. nawawala tuloy ako sa flow ko!!! hehe. gusto kong sabihin, sssshhh, mamaya ka na. have faith in me. lalabas at lalabas din ang katotohanan at magsasama din tayo sa gender-fair and equitable heaven. hahaha!

7. pero dati ganun din ako!!!! masyadong akong anxious and bright sa pagsigurado na maliwanagan ang lahat nang nasa kadiliman na hindi nila alam!!!! ngayon, hindi mo na ako matitinag!!!! hehe. (hindi totoo yan kaya wag mo po akong subukan universe kasi am sure matitinag ako).

8. masyado na akong Filipino, ano ba!!!!! di na ako marunong mag explain in spoken English!!! pero di naman ako marunong magsulat in Filipino!! tama ba yon? kulang na lang dreaming in Arabic.

9. wala lang!!! masyadong maliwanag ang aming new fluorescent lights!!! kelangan ng shades!!! ano ba!!! eh ako ang nagrereklamo na sobrang dilim di ako makatrabaho. ngayon naman sunrise ang drama niya.

haaaay. :D.

fun with feminists

last month, we were invited to the fiftieth birthday of one of our fave feminists. it turned out to be such a treat -- fun with her fab family, the food was yummy, and the party teemed with funny feminists. warm and endearing like the celebrated celebrant. plus wine, music and dancing.

last night, we dropped in on "Philippine theater's finest" (hehehe), the UP Playwrights Basilia production. when the lights went on at "pagitan" and the end, there we were in the same company as at that party. nice, nice, nice. wala lang, nice unplanned surprise.

i got this hankering to wear baro't saya ala-Basilia :P

i also thought about what if i never "ended up" with anyone? :) kaso lang, i just can't get myself to worry about it kasi the truth is, i already intuitively know what i really want, that it just seems hard to believe that my five senses won't someday prove my intuition right.

ewan ko ba. hahaha. bahala na. i'll do my best, G will do the rest.

luscher color test via tickle

Gray/Brown ... means you're suppressing your sensuality, which restricts your ability to be giving. You long to surrender to someone, but you feel that this impulse is weak and must be overcome. You long to achieve a higher status and the esteem of allies who share your high standards, but instead you feel isolated. You need recognition and attention from others. Among other test-takers, 7.83% share this color combination.

Mwehehehe.

yummeee

haaay moi is drunk.

on our last household shop, we bought these tbone steaks, and roommie aj grilled some tonight. ahhh, what better thing to go with t steaks than her very own red wine, a Christmas prezzie from last Christmas? and what better way to go with steak and wine than some of duni's family vacation stories (ooops, hi there ma ;)) )

hahaha. so there, another green bottle bites the dust!

funneeee

on the way home from the mall, looking at the flashing sign.

aj: oh, there's a Big Nike Sale! ay, finished already!

vivi: why would you want a big Nike?

duni: *snickers to self* that's sooo bad, it's funny!

"i just wanna live a normal life with you"

spent many minutes of my massage hour in tears last night. my dear juliet must have wondered about the persistent moisture as she kneaded my face in the half-dark. but you know how it is, once you're on track for contemplating the many sorrows of you and your loved ones, there's just no stopping. so i contemplated the many sorrows of me and my loved ones with much amusement, in the half-dark of the spa, last night.

so much has happened. life has been so full for me lately, and it's like walking your way in waist-deep seawater, you sway to the waves keeping your balance as you move on towards your destination. in the half-dark at the end of a day well spent. full yet again; wet, winded and walking.

thank you for the many Presences who hover around me, who walk with me on this part of this way, friendly spirits who, too, are making their way. all of Life is a-walking.

* * * *

just now i think about asking some of those people around me.
do you think we're friends? i like them, these people and i am curious
as to whether they think we're friends or not.
do they find comfort in my presence; do they
want too to be themselves with me?

friendship is sometimes a function of circumstance
where there is need, and a friendly spirit, there can be friendship;
where there are friendly spirits, and no need, sometimes there are
but brief moments of contact;

i wish to sit longer in the sun and in the shade with these Presences
without having to be distracted by some of the things we
are constantly having to do together.

* * * *

i sat across the room, and thought to myself, oo nga, crush kita
there's your charm, and your mystery, and there's the inescapable
thought that i want to be like you, you biggie super-galing psychotherapist you

but somehow there is triteness to these thoughts,
i can let them pass, but really, how lovely it would be to get to know you
i would much rather be friends with you
you-big, me-small, so-what.