the long road to never

dahil mapaglaro ang isip ko at mapanunlog ang puso ko, inisip ko at pinakiramdaman kung bakit ayaw ko na.

translation: because i have a mind that likes to toy, and a heart that makes kulit, i searched within me as to why i don't wanna no more, ever. (ahh, the pleasures of self-explanatory intuit-your-own-meaning, murderous, English. hahahaha, sorry po Shakespeare).

kasi di naman niya ako inapi. di ko naman masasabi na di niya ako mahal. di ko naman masasabi na he was never there for me (now and then but not always). pero bakit ba ako punding-pundi at kahit gaano ko i-tempt ang sarili ko, sa aking imagination, di pa rin ako kumakagat?

because he didn't oppress me. nor can i say that he didn't love me. neither can i say that he was never there for me (now and then but not always). but why do i feel so depleted, and no matter how much i try and tempt myself, in my imagination, i cannot muster any enthusiasm for connecting once again?

ayaw ko na kasi. wehehehe.

ayaw ko na ng paulit-ulit. ganun na naman. ayaw ko na ng paulit-ulit na ganun na naman. ang pinaka-ayaw ko sa lahat, yong make-or-break na inaayawan ko, yong ayaw na ayaw ko na talaga yong winiwithdraw and/or winiwithhold ang sarili.

waaaaah. ayaw ko na talaga nun. hahaha. sinusumpa ko na ang witholding/ withdrawal.

di ko na kinakaya at di ko na kakayanin yon. di bale na wala na lang forever. ayaw na ayaw ko na ang nandiyan tapos nawawala.

di ko na care kung ano ang reason. nasaktan ka kaya't ayaw mo na akong kausap. na-imbey ka kaya lalayo ka baka kung ano pa masabi mo. nadedepress ka kaya't ayaw mong magsalita. ayaw mo lang at busy ka. or wa ka lang care sa akin sa time na yon.

nadiskubre ko na ayaw ko na talaga ng ganun, kahit anupaman ang reason. oh maaan, such an intimacy killer. the unpredictability of hot and cold. na stress ang self-esteem ko, na overstretch ang patience and understanding ko, nag-run out ang love ko. siguro among strangers, puwede pa yon. but between the two of us, it's unacceptable. kasi kung anuman ang reason mo, handa naman akong makipag-usap. pero halos never ka nakikipag-usap kaya

ayaw ko na.

di ko rin ma imagine kung paano mo ma-overcome ang ganun. or kung naintindihan mo na yon ay nakakamatay. bawal tumawid, nakakamatay.

as the mmda say, cross and you die!

hehe.

My Daily Tarot
at Astrology Dot Com


The Strength card reversed suggests that disappointment, fear, emotional extremes or the grind of daily life may be taking its toll on your love life or relationship. You may feel under pressure to take action, but you need to take some time for yourself or seek guidance in order to understand your options, regain control, assess the challenge or get over it. Don't resort to manipulation, confrontation, force or socially unacceptable behaviors. Don't gripe when you can do something about it.