we love each other by "needing"

and being needed

It's not true that life becomes challenging when you encounter problems. Life also becomes hard when other people you love have "problems." In fact, one of my biggest challenges in the past few months and up to now, is how to be "ok" when someone else I love is "not ok."

Oh my, it's hard :).

First of all, you miss them :). You get used to the easy love, affection, friendship, company, what have you, and you miss their presence in your life.

Second, it worries you that they are unhappy/ "not themselves." When you yourself are the one who's unhappy, you know that if you sit with yourself long enough, it will blow over, and the joie de vivre appears again. And that in fact, being sad or problematic or "not yourself" is actually being yourself, still. But when it's someone you care about, it's pretty hard not to worry even though you know worry won't do you or the friend or the lover or the family member any good, and even creates this restless negative energy that probably compounds the situation, and makes it worse for your loved one (and what great help you've been then).

It's harder still when you don't know what to do, and it's been some time.(Although of course, you know very well that this isn't about you, and you should cease and desist from making a loved one's "hard times" become about you). Even though your wiser self knows it's not really about "doing", you feel helpless and cannot help wanting to "help" or "do" something to improve the situation.

One of my counseling psychology classes emphasizes in red ink, bold caps, and repetitively, that the psychologist's first task is to understand. But this is easier done when your loved one talks to you or is in a problematic-but-expressive-mode. Or when they are specific about their needs, like chester's "Eula, I need someone to check on me now and then."

But what if they aren't in communication mode? It becomes a real honest-to-goodness dilemma then: whether to let alone or probe now and again. What if they do want to communicate but need encouragement? Or what if they could really need some company, even quiet company, but are too "troubled" to do the inviting? What if your occasional probing (like when you say "Better to try than not to have covered the possibility at all") makes them feel "pestered" by you such that they hope not to see you even more for a longer time?

What then?

Perhaps, the best thing to do is stay centered and calm yourself. To recognize and release all "missing," worry, and the occasional resentment that pops up, and radiate only love and light. To be OK even when loved ones are NOT OK.

But of course, this is very hard to do indeed, especially with those you are attached to. Otherwise, why else would I need to blog-talk myself into it? :P


p.s. also have this draft post entitled "we love each other by 'feeding' and eating"