bursts of h

now that the ABC who cooked japanese has finallllly released his philippines 2006 pictures, it's brought to mind my personal partial analysis of why that visit went so well :D unlike the last time, when i was kinda dyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing about the whole thing, i was really pretty relaxed this time around. relaxed indicators: i never planned ahead of time what to wear (wahahaha), i had no ulterior motives, and therefore had almost nothing to lose and everything to gain. i freely shared him with all my dearly beloveds, and a nice time was had by all on many occasions both planned and spontaneous. especially me who was happy to see them all appreciating each other's company. it was fun.

(and that trip to lemery lemery lemery life is but a dream ... was my most carefree chunk of this year thus far. i think of it most gleefully)

previously, i grew insecurities the way a tree grows branches. i had paroxyms of jealousy over the witty exchanges with other friends, and had unpleasant uncomfortable and all too human thoughts comparing myself with my sisters, the lights of my life. it was because i wanted more hehehehe. and my romantic feelings made me feel very vulnerable, and insecure.

i think of this because i am undergoing paroxysms again, and want to show myself, that yes, things can and do change, and life gets easier again. it's just the wheel.

***
i'm also saying this because oprah and this other therapist person were bearing in on this woman who was left by her hubby in a yacht somewhere. they were in the middle of their relationship and coupledom, and he just disappeared. wife says it was probably his narcissism. and though she looked ok on the show, they were picking up on her self that was still connected with him, still hoping he'd be fine, and that he'd see the light, and come back, and make up for all that he has done, etc. and so oprah and this therapist person said that the part of her that was connecting to him was indication of some kind of self-hatred. aaaaaawwww. that's just too unkind. anyway, it looked like the girl couldn't relate with what them two secure women were saying. maybe she will, in time, maybe she won't. but the me in this moment felt that self-hatred is just too strong a word.

i remember when bf the second disappeared south of the coastal highway, and it was clear from all indications (new gf, check; cheated on me, check; escaped, check) that he wasn't loving me, still my most me of me's just couldn't believe that he didn't still love me. my shocked person could only remember his self who had loved me, and expressed this many times (express being different from acted it out) to me, in whom i had deeply believed. it took a long time, and a lot of anger, but i only really moved on when i didn't care anymore whether he loved me or not. hehe.

this was my story and those were my wounds and though i've long ago moved on, those experiences left deep-seated fears and worries that get activated when i find myself in "at risk" situations. (at risk of great love, great joy and great loss). it's just that any compassionate understanding of myself (by myself and by others) has to take into account those situations ;)

***
but it's true that i am at once both very mixed up and very clear these days. i am very mixed up, there is a part of me that feels very guilty for going back on promises that i made to myself about you, and for my fixating on certain beliefs about us.

and also because the us, was true, is true. i hate myself for turning my back on it because it was something (the understanding and empathy that we have for one another) that moved me, and continues to move me still.

it's just that i want more, more, more. hehehe. and because this is what i want, the wanting of it brings me to plenty of paroxysms of this and that, that gets in the way of my peace, and gets in the way of our fun and spontaneous friendship. the us that gets in the way of our us.

***

i also wanted to say about one of my most relieved moments this year. now that the enthusiastic priestess is back to her exclamatory self :D (not that her other selves are any less worthy of love and friendship, not at all), i just wanted to tell her that one of my most relieved and happy moments this year was when she responded so honestly and openly to my then could-not-anymore-be-stopped-somewhat-worried-the tiniest bit exasperated-and the bigger chunk missing her- question, naano ka? the moment i sent it i was so scared she'd get pissed, clam up or something. but she responded in the spirit in which the message was sent, and all at once, everything was ok, and that moment in our friendship was i felt truly blessed :D.

(at that time, when she was most feeling the need to lick wounds in private, i was missing her ever-present supportive cheerleading. she had spoiled us with it thru the years and though i understood and supported her need to be alone and quiet and non-social, i was somewhat at my wits' end at that particular moment in babysitting and could not help but wail.)

so i just want to say THANK YOU to the excitable aquarian for mustering up her energies and love for me during the times when it was especially difficult for her to do so. Mwah, thanks ddness, love you.

***

but of course each one of us wage our battles, navigate our way thru the everyday. ddness is beaming, hb is activist (i am so glad hb that your words are written down somewhere ready to move those that need to be moved in the right time ... however contrary that may sound to the message of your missive hehe), my bro and dad confided to me separately last christmas that it was difficult to find out how the other was because they'd just go silent (hehe!), my mom and sis have their own virgo-scorpio dramas, and i am presently paroxysmal.

***

and about to lose all my money for the payment of overdue library books :D.

absolutely the end.