fascinating

photo and text grabbed from Inquirer online.


Track of Typhoon “Mina” (international codename: Mitag) which weakened slightly while crossing northern Luzon Monday morning. Graphic image from PAGASA.

there's more:
"Lando" (international codename: Hagibis) will reenter the Philippine Area of Responsibility (PAR) Monday afternoon, as "Mina" moves out of the country, the Philippine Atmospheric Geophysical Astronomical Services Administration (PAGASA) said.

"Mina" pulled "Lando" back to the country in a weather phenomenon known as the "Fujiwara effect" wherein in a stronger storm influences the movement of a weaker storm.

the truth

the truth is, i am with someone. i'm not available. but i'm free.

last saturday, at a group discussion, someone asked, who among you are in a relationship? i was taken aback. i didn't know how to categorically answer the question. i hemmed-hawed*, said yes, then laughed at myself. my friend laughed along with me. the other friend stared, curious about my reaction.

i guess i hurt myself when i fail to acknowledge that i jumped into the pool. i'm not saying the water's all-good or that it's sunny skies. it's not about that.

it's that i jumped. and i'm in.

*the reason i fail to advertise is that it's been a challenged/ challenging relationship. i understand friends who don't fail to worry. thank you for your love. i have talked about it with those who have told/ asked me directly, and i think they have understood me somehow. all i can say is that there's always a little more space in which to widen our understanding. in the meantime, i guess it's called life :D

getting real

the other day i told my counselee that, you know, LIFE SUCKS.

we grinned. there, we both felt much better.

* * *

the other night, we were drinking at Banca (hehe, rather, i was eating at Banca) and there was this emcee who simply had to insert all manner of sexual talk in all his spiels. if the conversation even for one second veered away from the various organs and arrangements, he would steer it back quickly using many many, much too many, words.

then this girl with curly hair stood beside him, and humorously, parried all his jibes, line for line. and sang wonderfully. and looked so non-sexual. and was funny.

oh, i tell you, she was wonderful. go maya! we love you! :D we may not know you but we're rooting for you. hehe.

* * *

you want a strong friendship, says my horoscope.

i finally arrived at this thought late last night. that this was my grief. that i long for male friends. i remembered carebear, and being in the playground with him (haha) and i almost cried. he's the one i can text at 2 am with my truest thought, and it would be funny, and safe, and non-threatening, and mean nothing more (yes, nothing more, or nothing less) than being perfectly wonderfully friends with someone who knows you and cares about you, and finds you funny, and worth it.

and that i have the right to grieve.

i want my male friends! hehe.

oh my stars

from astro dot com

An evaluation of goals ***
Valid during many months: This is a challenging time in your life. You will have to make many choices about what areas of your life to emphasize. Will you work to build up a new career or continue to build upon a current one? Will you work to make your personal life as satisfying as possible? Will you work collectively with many other people or by yourself?

Often there is an "alienation crisis" with this influence, a sudden feeling of being cut off from everyone else, as if you have spent too much energy pursuing purely personal goals. This in turn generates loneliness and a feeling of being distant from others, even loved ones. Or you may suddenly feel that you no longer have the strength to go on in the direction you have chosen. Fears of your own inadequacies may distort your perspective. All of this is most likely to happen if you have neglected personal relationships in your life. You cannot go on forever without supportive emotional relationships, and you may have been trying to do so.

Sometimes this influence can have the opposite result, and you discover that various personal entanglements have been interfering with the pursuit of your valid goals. In this case you will break off relationships and gain the freedom to go your own way. The issue here is the balance between personal relationships and advancement in life.

On another tack, this period can test your choice of goals. You may encounter opposition from others that forces you to examine whether your goals are really valid for you. If they are, the conflict with other persons or against trying circumstances will be useful. But if you find that your heart is not really in the path you have chosen, you may have to make adjustments and change your course of action. It is far better to do this now than several years from now, when you may be overcommitted to an inappropriate course and discover that you are trapped. Now is the time to change. It may not be pleasant, but it is possible.


Saturn Square Med.Coeli ,
activity period from 30 October 2007 until beginning of August 2008.

staying?

if it's not galore,

it's work
or the kids
or the church
or food (eating)
or spirituality
or money
or sex
or love
or shopping
or beauty
or the rules
or drugs

what makes life worth living?
(what puts pain away?)
being.

what do you say to another?
who are you to say?
in lieu of?

how to be filled from within?
how to find joy?
breathing.

cooking up a storm

it was just past eight when i texted atej to take the tapa out of the freezer, pork or beef it didn't matter. i wanted to cook myself a hot meal soon as i arrived, not so much for the food, as for the comfort of cooking one's self, something, well, food.

who knew i would come to this? just a few days before the trip to the mountains, my cousins' eyes almost fell off watching me unwrap a thawed chicken, place it in a baking dish, and pop it into the oven. me who only knew enough to push around some tinned food in some oil with some onions, garlic, and sometimes, tomatoes. gisa, it's called.

the day after i arrived, the menu was:
breakfast: mess of hot and spicy tuna, omelet/scrambled eggs, loads of onions, tomatoes and garlic
lunch: steamed kangkong leaves
dinner: chicken-cabbage soup, fried little fish

yesterday:
breakfast: tortang talong, squid uga, pinakas

and today:
breakfast: homemade yogurt with bananas, honey, and muesli
lunch: leftover chicken pineapple fried rice, leftover uga
dinner: pasta with beef strips in a yet-to-be created white sauce :D

one-step above just "gisa the can", but you know, it's the cooking act itself, even the slicing of onions into paper thin strips.

so therapeutic.

"The key to getting through difficult times is to take to heart the lesson offered by all the mystics down through the ages. For the mystics remind us we cannot be truly effective in dealing with life's difficulties, unless we ground ourselves in silent meditation and prayer. For in the receptive stillness of meditation and prayer we discern the still small voice that guides us through the night. As we listen intently to all that is going on within us, we can begin to sense the blessings that are already present in the apparent loss and hardship we may be going through at the moment. Surely, this is deathbed wisdom. For, as our faith assures, the moment of death is not simply the end. Death is a door that opens out upon new and unforeseeable beginnings that never end. Learning to see this gain out of loss, this birth out of death rhythm; learning to step into the stream of this rhythm, to move with it, and trust in it always, is to live a contemplative way of life in the midst of the world."

-James Finley, www.myss.com

swimming

lumalangoy lang po!
just swimming.

sobrang dami ang mga nangyari nitong mga nakaraang linggo. karamihan dito ay mga tipong nangyari lang, hindi mo ini-skedyul pero nangyari na lang. hindi dahil sa walang mga kinalaman ito sa mga nangyari sa nakaraan, kundi ito ay ang mga bagay na basta na lang sumusulpot. at ang puwede lang gawin ay harapin ang mga ito.

so many things have happened in the last few weeks. most of these are things that just happened, that you don't schedule but just crop up. not because these are not somehow connected to things that happened in the past, but because these are the type of things that will just arise out of the blue. and the only thing to do is to face these.

there are no heroes, but we all are ourselves. i love that everyone is just themselves. it is in being ourselves that we are most able to help each other, no matter the conflict, the tears, the pain. there exists as well joy and hope. when each one tends to what is true to them, and takes care to grow and learn, there comes always understanding, love, compassion.

for somehow, these are all adventures in compassion. compassion for ourselves, and compassion for the other. that is why we are all in this together. we are inter-connected in life's weave :).

we have been Kissed!

akala ko puwede na akong sumaya.

the diwata kisses the tree


you wouldn't think for a minute, the original scene


was this.


this is how rusty my kissing skills are.

deities and the days

Astro Dot Com
Repair works *
You may be concerned today with repairing something that has broken down, such as an automobile or an appliance. Or you may have to deal with a situation that has broken down to the point that it must change radically in order to continue, even along completely new lines. You may have to contend with a person who is trying to exert unreasonable power over you today, forcing you to defend your right to do things your way. The person may feel that he or she is doing this for your own good, but that is not usually the case. Avoid contact with criminals and do not go into areas where you are likely to encounter street crime. Under this influence it is just possible that you might have an unfortunate encounter.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Sun Conjunction Pluto , exact at 20:07
activity period from 24 September 2007 to 26 September 2007.

Yesterday, I got severely told off by the aircon repair men for not maintaining the health and wellbeing of The Aircons, pointing out that I'm lucky the compressors haven't given up after years of neglect. To pay for my dereliction of duty was literally, to pay, with bowed head. It was a dear dear sum, but in the end I was quite happy to pay it (I might not be so happy by the end of next month, but hey, now is what matters, hahaha).

And now, I'm cold. (I hope she is too.)

* * *

My dear dear (phrase of the day) teacher said in her lecture last Saturday: Sometimes we are like Sleeping Beauty, we are asleep to ourselves. We need a kiss to wake us up, but what we don't know is that the kiss is that given by Life. It is the Kiss of Life that wakes us up.

the art of compromise

1. Dump yummy easy healthy instant oatmeal into your favorite mug. Let it fill a third of your mug.

2. Pour boiling hot water into mug, just enough to cover oatmeal. Mix thoroughly.

3. Leave oatmeal for a few minutes to cool down (unless you're impatient, in a hurry, or someone who can't take advice :P). Doing so, protects you from being accused unnecessarily (more on this later), aside from the main reason (coming up next).

4. Scoop Rocky Road ice cream (preferably Magnolia!) on top of nicely-textured, cooled-down healthy oatmeal! Mix a little, keep a little ice cream pure, whatever floats your healthy-unhealthy food compromise boat :P.

5. Enjoy with a big grin! Got one over you, oh guilty ice cream! :P

giddy me to carebear: Guess what I invented! Oatmeal with ice cream! Yummy!

stressed-out carebear: You're justifying your impatience for oatmeal to cool down with claims of culinary success!

me, rolling my eyes: No am justifying my need for ice cream by cramming it with a slew of oatmeal!

overheard

I didn't come here to tell you that I can't live without you. I can live without you. But I don't want to.
-- the Jen Aniston character in Rumor Has It

I read somewhere that love is like friendship on fire.
-- the guy character in the Hilary Duff movie on HBO

This is not my problem so I am not going to worry about it.
-- me

TAG

8 random bits ala La Rossa Keeda

1. she's petite, a woman with long blond wavy tresses, pert and pretty in her blue checked coat, walking outdoors on a nippy new york day. (i already know she's a woman after my own heart as she previously tried her best to let her friend know that her friend's fiance made a pass at her) she turns to her date, her first since her husband died a few months ago, and invites him to check out a gallery with her. it's for work, as she needs to look at some stuff for her boss. she and the date walk in the gallery door and admire the poignant photographs on the walls.

then their eyes lead them to a photograph of her. grief, the camera caught her moment of grief, sitting outdoors on the stairs to her building, broken down, crying unashamedly. the happy woman, unprepared for such a sight of her raw self, unhooks the framed photograph from the wall, hugs it to her chest, and hightails it out the door (leaving her date with his mouth hanging open).

she stole the photograph of her.

and because the scene is in six degrees, my newest favorite tv show on planet vivi, it turns out that the photographed woman is friends with a woman (the one who had a cheating fiance) who is friends with the photograher who wants the photo back. someone wants to buy it from him to be the cover of a book, and he genuinely needs the break.

the photographer asks the friend if he could meet his subject, and she does. she pleads her case: she is a happy woman and she does not want her eight-year-old daughter to see her mom immortalized on the cover of a book, crying her eyes out, bereft. he pleads his: when people see the photograph, they will not see her, they will see themselves. he explains some more. it had been one of the worst times of his life, and when he saw her on the stairs, it called out to him.

he adds that a photograph is made by the photographer and the person he is photographing. but she is adamant: people may not see me but i see myself.

then one day soon after, the good and soulful photographer knocks at the blonde woman's door and hands her a huge envelope. he says he didn't want to send it through the mail, all the negatives of the photographs he had taken of her. he says, "sometimes i forget to see outside the frame."

then a few days later, she sees her little daughter kneeling on the floor of her bedroom, staring at the framed photograph she had hidden under the bed.

the daughter asks, "mommy why are you crying?"
the mother speaks, "i was very sad. i missed daddy."
"i miss daddy too. why is this under the bed?"
"i didn't want you to see me sad."
"but didn't you tell me it's ok to be sad? besides, i think you're very pretty." then the daughter stands up to look for her skates that she thought she had left under her mother's bed.

and this is why i adore six degrees. it totally makes my Mondays :D.

2. so some of you may have by now enjoyed or missed A Love Story starring Aga Muhlach, Maricel Soriano and Angelica Panganiban. I totally enjoyed it. It's about a wife, a mistress, a man, and love. Written very well by Vanessa Valdez.

in one scene, the Maricel character had just had a trying day wherein she had sacrificed her happiness in order to be happy, and even performed convincingly in front of her "public" that she was totally fine. that night, the Aga character comes to see her, fully aware and cognizant of all that she had gone through and given up. he gives her a hug, and she cries.

buhuhuhuhu, this is the scene that made me cry. you know how it is, when it's a moment of the biggest emotional disaster, and someone sees you.

3. i was as neurotic as a child as i am now. i remember my moments of fear. living hours of my childhood traveling on a long winding coastal highway that linked the city to our rural town, i can still remember being instructed by my mom not to look as the jeepney we were riding in took in bloodied victims of a vehicular accident and sped away to the nearest hospital, far far away.

another time, i also remember lying in the backseat with my arm in a temporary cast listening to my parents explain to people outside the car that they could not bring another victim (this time of a hit and run) to the hospital as they were bringing me to the hospital too.

i am still as scared of accidents, and i still don't look. i peed in bed as well, perhaps, a testament to all my unspoken, unconscious, unacknowledged worries as a little introvert child. if you don't know it, piss it. hehe.

4. i learned the lyrics to billy joel's You May Be Right from my uncle's copy of Jingle magazine left in our house when i was a little girl. i memorized it, and i still know the song straight thru. fridaynighticrashedyourparty, saturdayisaidi'msorry, sundaycameandyoutrashedmeoutagain, iwasonlyhavingfun, wasn'thurtinganyone, andweallenjoyedtheweekendforachange, youmayberightimaybecrazy, nobutitjustmaybealunaticyou'relookingfor :D many years later i would have a cassette tape of billy joel's glasshouses and would know all the words to all the songs as well, including youmaybewrongforalliknowbutyoumayberight! yeah!

5. the top five blogs i lurk at (aside from my friends'), meaning i drop by theirs every time i'm online and they don't know me at all are: ala's, pam's, ging's, rosa's and erica's. if you don't know them, well it's your loss! :D

6. for an entire year (well eight months), i killed with my eyes and in my head all the men of all shapes, sizes and form who dared look at my sister as an object and not as a person, and so woe to you if you're a man and you do that and you have no clue how offensive you are! what makes you think your gaze is not intrusive and invasive! show some respect, you dicks!

yes, i have anger issues with men who objectify women (and rightly so, so much for my peace of mind). what makes you think, you're the only one human, and the only one who deserves respect! you know the golden rule: if you don't like being bothered, stop bothering others!

LOOK AWAY :). Staring is rude. I truly believe a good man looks away.

7. i'm trying :) i'malazyassselfindulgentspoiledlittlebabychildwhothrowstantrums but i try :) perhaps when i turn 80 i shall be perfect like my grandmother :)

8. my mom bought me my copy of the little prince when i was small or when my waist was small i can't remember exactly when. it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.

I TAG my beautiful cousin Lea, my wonderful friend Tina, my much-missed friend TitaEds, my soon-to-be-mom mermaid friend Nina (hahaha gawa gawa ko lang about soon-to-be-mom), my relocated friend Buddha who doesn't have a blog, my beloved sister Duni, and double tagging the gfs Dee and HB. Don't think we haven't noticed. Hehe!

an eyeful

Strength Mediaworks posters at Men Can Stop Rape!

the Binky Lampano dance

@ the 70s Bistro August 22, 2007

gig was a blast!

Binky and Lampano Alley rock!

sweaty! hehe!

askew

when i let my eyes roam our sala, i can see at least three things that are askew. you know the phrase "has really opened up the space"? oh yes! i am so reveling in our space made new by pulling stuff around and putting things askew :D.

i decided i could no longer stand The Way Things Were. it was ugly.

first, i started in my bedroom. i closed the door and pulled my bed to the other side of the room. oh, wait. we're talking about a queen semi-poster bed here so i made it skate over and around, on cloth trapo.

oooh, it really opened up the space :D.

i can now totally live in/ enjoy the huge window as it's now THERE instead of just there. i also took steps to get myself a proper desk, the one i've always wanted, a big one that's shorter than standard :D. i don't have it yet but in my heart i have it already, hehe.

taking advantage of a few nights of having the sala to myself, i've spent two nights pulling things around. after the first night when i was only half-done, i went to sleep at five am, expecting to be awakened at six by our kasama's shriek at finding the sala in chaos, looking like it was ransacked. hehe. she survived the shock, i stayed in sleep.

for now i am done :D.

this is the reason why i didn't have things fitted/ fixed. i was sure that at some point i would die from not being able to move things around.

it's so amazing how life is made new by recreating a space. it's unbelievable. i can work again. i can live my life again.

bleh

this is me making a face at you.

i feel uncomfortable.

i feel uncomfortable because i am aware i have not made progress even though i already know which direction i am going (that's the extent of my movement, but at least). i also know i have miles to go. miles to go before my first big milestone. i'm not scared about the miles to go because i'm sure i will love it. i'm just uncomfortable because i should be making a move on already!

and yes, i'm also uncomfortable because it doesn't feel good not being able to tell the people who matter and who care, that no, i have hardly done anything, errr, yet.

aside from that, i am also not liking the person i love(d) much and that is always uncomfortable. and sad.

* * *

but at least, i blurted out already the study i wanted to do, to the people concerned. hehe. and they didn't say no. (but i wish they would be more enthusiastic, hehehe).

and finally, after three months, had the talk i'd been needing to have. talk was good. but life is sad.

* * *

but uncomfy is good :D

estadistika

in the last week!

classes attended: one, with quiz (to give it weight)

related materials "read": one thesis, one book, 3 journal articles (does it count that i purposely read all last four in one day to improve my stats? ehehehe)

"clients": two counselees, and one cancelled testing referral (which makes it two haha!)

movies seen: 5! ooops! but it's only because it's cinemanila :D

bottles of beer on (intestinal) wall: 3 and 1 mojito

loads of laundry: four! but that's because i super multi-classify according to color, and type of material hihi

dish cooked: oooh, did a mean pork binagoongan! yummmeeeeh. i have to toot my own horn, no one else has tasted it. hahaha!

resolutions for the week ahead: 75 million :D

clothes and the cabbie and the paparazzi

minsan, gusto ko talaga mag costume. hehe.

one time, nag mall kami ng housemate ko at nanood ng sine. tanong niya, "which gala are you going to?". hehe. natuwa ako.

naka-flowing skirt eklat kasi ako nun. wala lang, yong gusto ko lang magsuot ng may konsepto.

alam mo yong gusto mo mag costume para maiba/ magkaron ng twist, pero ayaw mong may makakapansin sa yo? hahahaha :p

* * *

one time, as we were coming home in a teksi, roommie and i, bundled in with the groceree/shopping, and we were, you know, chatting ourselves silly, and the manong driver, maybe feeling like, heyman, wheredahell we goin' man, says to us in the middle of our chat, "misis, san tayo dadaan?"

whada? that shut us up for a good three minutes. it doan feel so good man, being called a missus when it ain't true maaaahn, and besides, wadidhemean missus? we look like olegirls, man? isdatit? and besides, which one of us did he mean?

* * *

and so it certainly lit me up like a Christmas bulb was spreading gladness inside me, when the very next week, on the way to school, taxi man says, "Ne, papasok ba tayo sa ______?"

oooh, Nene! maybe i wasn't the missus after all :D

and the two other times it happened after that, man that felt good.

* * *

but then, i wore this Lola (vintage print) empire-cut dress and when the taxi driver dropped me off, he went, "O, ingat ka ha, buntis ka pa naman."

waaaaaaah, toink!

how do you explain, manong, yes i have bilbil but it's also the thing to wear stuff that look like they're for preggers.

manong, talaga hahahahaha.

* * *

spent time with old old friends last week, and i discovered that there appears to be a perk with having a husband.

there we were on one long table, and hubbies would regularly stand up from their meal, and take photos of their wife and whoever was sat beside their wife (like the baby or the friend newly arrived). as in! it was like wives had their personal paparazzi who snapped shots without being asked at very regular intervals.

amazing.