hmmmmm

the boat is sinking, the boat is sinking,
group yourselves into ...
everyone :)

united by love, are we :)

i feel a sea-change.
i want the sea-change.

i don't want to just take up where i left off,
when i left manila exactly two weeks ago.

i don't want to be the same me that i was.

learning about the power of now, how do i
hold on to this new improved wanna-be consciousness (:P)

i don't want to forget.

if it's truly in my heart, maybe i won't forget.

but i feel i will always need reminding :)

***

you "getting" the "spirit"
of my loved ones
moves me deeply.

it brings things to a whole different level.

i never even knew it would be
this
important
until it happened.

bless.
i feel blessed by you :)

p.s.buhuhuhuhuhuhu

i'm back (somewhat)

in one more minute, i'll be officially nagpupuyat, napuyat. quick, must change clothes and jump into bed.

i had an eventful week. to all those involved (hehehe): thank you for the experience, the learnings, the love, sorry for the hassle, the heartburn, the flak.

:) peace.

2 seconds to go!

I Like

1. I would like to be in picture in a keychain with a jowa. Hehehe.

2. Lounging rights – Having eaten breakfast seriously and solemnly (enjoyed it tremendously!) at their bar, and ordered shakes besides, D and I took that to mean, we had beach lounging rights at Nigi Nigi. Thus we lounged: reading,snoozing, swimming, keeping an eye out for flying umbrellas!

Yes, flying beach umbrellas can kill you.

And so we snoozed with one eye shut and another eye in a slit on the lookout for FLYING UMBRELLAS THAT CAN KILL YOU!!! (hehehe, the wind was that strong that it kept uprooting umbrellas from the sand).

And I told DD that if I screamed, to just go right ahead and roll to the sand, it meant…A FLYING UMBRELLA WAS ON THE WAY!!!! (and don’t forget, that can kill you!!!!)

3. Having walked the beach in search of father, and not finding him, we sat down on the sand, and took our first phone pics together (after all we were in Bora together). And sooner than soon, father passed by with tito. Hehe. Stop looking, and JUST SIT IN THE WAY, and “it” will come.

4. Hotfooting it back to the courtyard, we arrived upstairs with a clatter, just dying for a pee, …*peed*… turned on the tv, and caught the Kristine Hermosa and Aga Muhlach movie on tv. Yahooohooo, nice surprise. I love watching cute enough Pinoy movies. Oh, the Aga character died.

5. I like that on our first night in Bora, my head ached so badly (pounded all the way from Roxas City to Bora), we merely went for a quickie at Andokito’s and Biogesic and a shower, and went to sleep. And the next morning it rained so hard, we stayed asleep!

6. The next morning, we went back to the Nigi Nigi bar, where I ordered D’s order the previous day (but this time there were no papayas in the fruit bowl :( ), I sat facing the beach, opened a laptop, and started working. LOL. A deadline knocked on the door and showed up, but no way was I going to work indoors.

7. Also, I swam with the waves and sang Ally McBeal songs in my head. The sea felt silky on my sunblocked skin.

AS FIR TREES WILL, Bora, the lazy relaxing way, third time in a row.

hard habit to break

the guilty pleasure of working.

lol.

promise, there's just too many loose ends ;)). don't want them hounding me to the beach!

it's really the pleasure of tying loose ends :) (some anyway! the others WILL hound me)

i refuse to be harassed by the prospect of the trip to the beach, and my disorganized state.

i got a new pinkish bikini instead.

wahahahaha [properly witchy laugh].

"the power of orange knickers"

hehe. i love that title, borrowing from that song and the singers who sang it (i know one is damien rice, is the other tori amos?)

and so, IT IS FINISHED. :) the world has visibly shifted course, headed where, we don't know yet.

i have been so busy, three days' worth of astrology emails have piled up in my inboxes and that hardly ever happens! hahahaha.

the lists continue
i, v, maker, bringer and carry-er of long endless daily lists in the last frenetic month (it clears the head, and enables one to make checks :P), continues with this habit. it appears that i have created for myself another frenetic vacation.

gee whiz, cheez whiz. sometimes i am really strange in the head.

i only have today to prepare and do the most urgent errands.

like root around for my orange bikini. my love handles can't wait ;))

the power of i love you

read someone's i love you to someone on a blog.

how powerful this: i love you.

i love you, makes me stand still.

i want to stand still for: i love you.

it's as honest and as i love you as you can get, i think, uttering i love you.

if the truth be told, i am not used at all to, i love you.

i wonder why the world (people) suffer from an i love you drought. such a simple thing, so essential, and yet so lacking.

after all my life, i realize, i love you is a verb.

hey mother, i love you.
hey father, i love you.
and brother, i love you.
and sister, i love you.

and me, you, i love you.

random notions from my low-batt mind

the beginning of goodbye

am back at the office. when our "lipat-bahay" looking jeepney (filled to the brim with water dispensers boxes of stuff, two lcd projectors, three laptops, a printer and officemates) pulled up at the office gate, friend M said "we're home!"

yes it has come to that.

i sat in front of my pc, and remembered i had shorts and a tee shirt tucked somewhere around these papers, and i thought, "yehey, i can get more comfortable!"

YES, IT HAS COME TO THAT.

this office is now home, without conscious permission.

it hasn't been bad, just tiring :). everything's also been mildly successful if i may be allowed to say. some things fall thru the cracks, some stuff are mildly embarassing, but largely, everyone has come together and pulled thru. and these are the things that have always mattered to me from the start, at this office of ours.

for the last 8 something something something years.

the togetherness and the people ;). (and the internet!)

the togetherness under tyranny and tears, in mischief and mayhem, the food, the pa-gandahan, pa-cute-an, the things that we learn, the stuff that we laugh about.

[capricorn g and capricorn me were sitting in a corner whispering about the boss being weepy, and getting weepy ourselves,... ahhh capricorns]

[old pal e hung out at the congress, making all sorts of sarcastic remarks such as we might get charged extra by the caterer for one of the guests appeared to be wearing one of the table-cloths.... hahahaha]

that's what made me stay for more more more more :) (above and beyond the call of duty, i must now move on, for i believe, there is no more use for me where i am now :D ... i am already weary of the actual work assigned to me hehehehe).

two more days, and i am leaving. ooooh, things will never be the same again :)


moving on

hardly slept today. woke up at 8:15 from my 6:20 am bedtime just in the nick of time to shower and head out the door. but it was quite fun. i can fend off tiredness and sleepiness for as long as i don't have to present anything ;). i'll just run around for you.

but then again
J friend: hi migs
J: how was the opening?
v: hindi ako tinetext ng jowa ko

hehehe!
[the space to be able to complain of such a matter. being put-out is a privilege one can enjoy, for as long as one doesn't take one's self too seriously] <--- "do you agree with me that a bracket feels differently from a parenthesis?"

after all, wasn't it also you who said, ay, amo ka na gali ya? indi ko ya sang amo na ya.

other aliw things
practically brought my entire filebox on everything relevant to the activity, to the activity, in various well-labeled folders. (no wonder i didn't sleep, i organized parts of myself :P).

also really enjoy seeing the camaraderie of staunch feminist and the "boys" under her command. goes to show all kinds can mix well too, under negotiated terms. like "b, where's my coffee??"

and h and em made a great exhibit! thanks h and em!

and also
carted home five pinangga shirts today, four for men!

seeing the men in my life soon, bringing along some pasalubong.

leftist?

leftist? left-leaning? progressive? socialist?

yes, my left boob leans to the left if left to itself.

hehehe.

3 down, 5 to go

still smiling ;)

notes short quick

fast intense changes ....

this has been an intense period at work
then i go on an intensive 2-week vacation (my neverending thanks HB for your flash of inspiration, thank you!)
then i go back to work for 10 days (i think)
then i start having an intense time at school!

like... whoooooa! ;))

i hope i don't sob all over myself for lack of transitions ;). nah, it's ok. the past 9 years have been transition enough :D

time to move on. ;)

i love you life, i love you world.

(ang arte arte arte mo na V ;)))

short quick notes

YM was made for kulits like me and you, and all my kulit officemates (hehehe redundant). We may be anti-globalization but we're definitely pro-YM. ;))

It's no longer the off-season. Am back in style! ;))

Yon na muna! Uwi na ako! May bukas pa!

the off season

noteworthy

gf: indi ka angayan. wala gid any amount of bitterness.

it's a miracle, promise. hehehehe. it's one of the noteworthy things in my life these days. how happy I am for this certain couple. hehehe! as in :) i could kiss them both. (overrrrrrr, but true.)

cheers to you :)

tulala tutula

ako'y

nababaliw
nabubusog
nauuhaw
naaaliw
nagmamahal
nasasabik
nananadya
nangungulit
naguumapaw
natutulala
nagtatatalon

umiibig.

ano na nga iyon ulit?
nabubuang
nagiging matino
nagiging mas matalino
nagniningning
nawawala at nahahanap

lahat ng ito
ipinapasalamat.

that season

and so mother universe, what's a girl to do? who is oh so oh oh oh oh uh oh.

:D :P :D :) la la la la la la.

life as prayer ;)

How do you pray? Andrea asks. A lovely SuperHero post about praying. Here's my favorite bit:

But back to that line about daring to pray. I've never identified with a particular religion, but prayer in some form has always resonated for me. I think I've been praying for a long time and calling it other things. 'Manifesting', 'asking the universe for help', 'sending out good energy'. All the lists I've ever written that have gone into magic boxes are prayers. All of those paintings done in a fury of emotion, all of those mornings spent writing, all of those drawings-- deep prayers. Or the time I wrote that letter, the one that was so difficult to write, and afterwards I dropped it into the fire. A prayer of letting go.

There is a line in a Rumi poem that I've always loved, "There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground."

Perhaps you pick up a musical instrument or sing in the shower, maybe you take your dog to the puppy park and bask in the joy of unconditional dog love, maybe you hike in the woods, practice yoga or volunteer at the soup kitchen. Maybe you salsa dance into the wee hours of the night.

This is all worship. This is all prayer. Laughter is prayer and also tears. I think prayer is about honoring life, about being alive, about worshiping our own aliveness in the world & feeling a connection to spirit and to others.

Your Inspiring Self
Also in my inbox is the latest eletter from SARK about you and your inspiring self! To remind you and me that each of us, we are all love-worthy ;)! And in this way we are better able to love others and their inspiring selves.

For your tiny and large kindnesses, for your glad heart and
your confused tears, for your stumbling and yearning. For
your endearing soul and rare insights, for your impossible
moods and hopeless moments. For your rage and despair
and explorations in shadows and darkness, for your
resistance and conflict and refusal to feel good, or do good
things. For your selflessness and especially for your
selfishness. For your pathetic vulnerable times and for all
your splendidly human moments. For your incandescent
spirit and ingenious escapes. For your will and suffering.
For everything that you’ve tried to hide. For your failings and
attempts and for all that you have lost and found. For your
regrets and loneliness and for every fear that has ever
stalked you. For your neurotic bumbling. For radiant
knowledge and countless expressions of love. You are
inspiring to me because you are exquisitely YOU.

Isn’t it funny that what we most try to hide or conceal is what
others find most inspiring or endearing about us?

I want to encourage you to know that you are inspiring to me
and others. I invite you to revel in your inspiring self!
Especially when you feel the least inspiring.

Your Inspiring Susan
(AKA SARK, Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy)


As for me, I have lately been conscious to rephrase my life as prayer. Not to get bogged down in complaints, and the Stuff That Go Wrong, and to stop Trying Too Hard on Stuff That Refuse to Cooperate (hehehe!), to fill those with love, and transform to prayer instead.

And to say no, and let go of those I cannot do :P (who am I kidding anyway? I am just a flower ;)) ).

Have a blessed weekend!

5

cinco de mayo - May 5, 2005
One of the stellar moments of the day to go on the offensive is 1:29PM PDT when the Sun in Taurus and Mars in Pisces link up through a 72-degree pattern. This type of alignment is based on dividing the zodiacal circle of 360 degrees by the number five. The quality of five -- numerologically -- has to do with change, evolution and consciousness-raising. The upright five-pointed star or pentagram is a symbol of spiritual advancement. Meditating on the deeper significance of this image can give you an enormous vitality boost -- particularly as this is the fifth day of the fifth month of the year (celebrated in many communities as Cinco de Mayo).

A bit of detail up there for all the da vinci code fans ;)

Moreso, spent the night with priestess energies, the Dark Lord and her minions consorting over steak, eggs, and lots of kinds of syrups, talking about reincarnation, past lives, the right to sexual fantasy, pornography, women being both victims and agents, etc. Very Mona Lisa.

Moreso, had a blessed day, with everyone helping out my sinking ship (hehehe overloaded promise) without my having to ask, with sympathy and support, and even understanding from the boss! Golly gee.

This is when 5 is not a failing grade, but a welcome break.

a tale of tonight

i was trying out my new flash (FLASH!) disk, and then my pc (precious to our office for now, holder of precious letters) wouldn't boot. windows died on me, friends hovered around, looking for stuff amidst my mess, offering cd drivers, etc, not wanting to get deeply involved but itching to put their hands on the pie...pc.

eventually they went downstairs and eventually i joined them for yet another amalgamation of differently-cooked tunas: new tonight tuna sinigang tripled with tuna tapa and my first choice, tuna belly.

left to myself, i extracted some files, and it worked, and my system was humming happily once more. followed the trail of a friendster blog announcement, and thought i'd look up an old attachment's forever, and voila, there they were before me, and how pleased i was to see them. hold her hold her hold her like you love her (as you do) when you're being snapped :)

click click i surfed some more among friends and acquaintances' photos and snapshots of their lives but as i do, i grew bored with friendster, and left. and called up him whom i love and my heart grew warm and fuzzy. giggled, talked, laughed out loud, and talked about the future in between thoughts of now, my fractured tailbone and his scratchy throat, and whether or not i can or would or could or want to. no need to. good if yes, good if no. and maybe i would. well i would just that my now is that i miss you so, and not that which would not solve it ;).

hello world card

dear wise and understanding universe
(hehe, good mood na),

we have exactly 6 whole days before the riot starts. :D.

i mean the 7-day office togetherness errrr ... meeting, conference, meeting, congress.

i hope it all comes together and i don't forget anything major, like telling everyone what time it is, or what year this is, or that one puts on one's bra first before one's shirt. (but pansy, you don't have to tell everyone what year this is because if you trust them, they will know ;) )

because only i know what i'm truly capable of.

and that includes walking out on everything if it gets truly exasperating ;)). i hope i will count to ten, remove myself from the mix of convoluted energies ;)), and say, ...

on the 17th, I CAN, and I WILL! ha! ha!
;))

but anyways, it's not worth it getting tired and ugly and sick over all of these ;). i just hope we will do a good job, and that i can stop myself from kicking anyone who will say otherwise (and i can bet you one or two or three or 76 will.)


blessings

and i want to thank you world card, for the following:

1. wise, loving and understanding migo (hmmmm intriguing) who 'gets' astrologically-designed meltdowns ;))
2. super wise, super loving migas who have been around for a hundred years, and still do this thing every day of their lives -- love me at whatever time and whatever day and at whatever state they may also be in.
3. having been able to tell, boss number three today, that am outta here :D wow what a relief that was. i can't take it anymore, having too many bosses. but i have a resolution to write her to tell her i like her and love her, and it's nothing personal.

i just want to be by myself for a while ;)).

work-wise.

back to work. mwehehehe.

anew na nga ba yon?

Anyway.

When I step back from my drama, I am amused. So. This is my moment. My, how it has changed from my previous moments.

;))


It's a bit like your long-lost tita telling you, "Ikaw ba ang anak ni? Ang laki mo na!"

I have a new list of frequently called numbers/ resource persons. I'm drawing from new models.

"New" only because this is "new" once again to me. But they have always been there.

I have "new" considerations, "new" dilemmas, "new" heartaches, "new" parallel worlds.

Mwahaha. New anew.

Life goes on, you brat

Sorry universe, ang kulit ko. (pangit mo)

Never ko na gets.

Now lang.

:)

Sticks lips, snout out in a long ugly pout in an attempt to avoid further melodrama.

Hindi ko pa kayang sabihin. Sasabihin ko na ba?
Kapag sinabi ko ba, hindi na ako masasaktan at tuluyan ko nang matatanggap?

O siya.

Hindi ngayon.
Hindi ngayong minuto, hindi ngayong oras, hindi ngayong araw.
Ni hindi ngayong lingo.
Ni hindi ngayong buwan.

Ni hindi ko nga yata dapat tinatanong.
(para pag nagtatanong ka kung kelan ang suweldo, dalawang araw lamang pagkalipas ng pagkuha mo ng suweldo)

Dahil hindi ngayon.

Hindi ngayon ang oras ng pagkikita, at pagsasama.

At huwag ka na lang magtanong kung kailan kasi hindi magkakaroon ng sagot hangga’t may gana ka pang magtanong. Baka kapag nagsawa ka na sa kakatanong at kakaproblema, saka pa lang magkakaroon ng sagot kaya,

Huwag ka na lang magtanong.

Nakatunganga.

KABLAG

Dropping everything for some sweet and yummy ve-je-te-bels
(as in everything -- letters to speakers, lists, documents, thoughts, worries, panties and all :P)

at our local walk-in wok in.


Everytime I look
Into your lovely eyes
I see a love that money
Just can't buy ...

Anything you want
You got it
Anything you need
You got it
Anything at all
You got it
Baby

aPROPoS of nothing

Today's Props Propped in front of my CPU in front of me working away at one million letters to prepare:

1. tishu
2. orange-flavored loviscol for adults,
3. and lagundi forte (supposedly for cough but really for constipation ;)) or if it were up to HB for everything that could be wrong -- heartache, money problems, fever, you name it, lagundi takes care of it ;) and the best thing is, THEY DON'T HAVE LAGUNDI in the US of A, mwahahahahaha ... not in Secaucus anyway)

I feel a bit like that song that goes:

I bought a toothbrush, some toothpaste
A flannel for my face
Pyjamas, a hairbrush
New shoes and a case
I said to my reflection
Let’s get out of this place

Past the church and the steeple
The laundry on the hill


soon enough, I WILL.

Who knows how long I've loved you
You know I love you still
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to--I will.

For if I ever saw you
I didn't catch your name
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same.