vayu

MIMI
Just came to say
Goodbye love
Goodbye love
Goodbye love
Goodbye

bad trip ang lowlah mo. sa totoo lang, mahal ko kasi ang kaibigan kong yon eh. sa dami dami na nang pinagdaanan namin, i always felt that he was special to me, and i to him. sabi niya pa nga bago siya nag-abroad, "let's have tea."

pero di natuloy. ayos lang. di ko lang maiwasan na magtaka kung bakit sa kabila ng sandamakmak na major things na nangyari sa kanya, never akong chinika ng bading friend. wala lang. kasi dati naman, madali lang mag cavort online and off, and laugh in the face of everything. dagdag pa chinika niya na yata all our other friends online except me. tapos, parang not once not twice but three times kong kinilabit ang bading online para mangumusta. but no. not a word in reply.

mas nalowka ako. ano kaya, may isyu na naman kaya ito sa akin? kaya medyo alanganin ang lowlah mo makita muli ang bading friend kagabi kasi di nga alam bakit ganun ang standing. pero warm naman si ex gay best friend. nag hug pa nga and ask, kumusta na? hug back naman ako, natuwa. sabi ko, kasi ikaw di mo ako kinakausap.

nakooowww. sabi ng ex bf, busy kasi ako eh. oh shit you. ganun? after everything. after may i knock ka in the middle of the evening sa aming munting apartment, in tears, at may i hanap ng comfort? after mega text ka for angel reading kasi may sakit ang jowa mo? pagkatapos ng lahat lahat, sasabihin mo lang busy ka? eh samantalang kinausap mo na lahat except me?

ooooh shieeet talaga. yan naman ang, he's just not into you. di ko nakuhang di magreact at di ko yata inasahan ang ganung "excuse." may i walk off ang lowlah mo and may i mukmok! yes, mukmok is a choice. hihihi. super nice pa rin ang friend, but di ko talagang makuhang chumika.

hurt ang beauty ko.

ang cute

i just basically, as chester said referring to something else, "don't make any sense." i don't mind that i don't. i just want to take note that ... i really don't make any sense, hahaha. how wonderpul.

kasi, alam ko na ayaw mo na. ahhh, hindi ko alam kung dahil hanggang noo na ang trauma mo sa akin; o, dahil ayaw mo na lang talaga sa akin (i don't interest nor attract you no more ... alam mo na, yong sabi ng book na sobrang naging hit, he's just not into you blah di blah na yon); o baka naman, in this time of our lives, mas ikaw ang mature at may EQ sa ating dalawa, at alam mo na tama na, wag na.

minsan, natutuwa nga ako na ayaw mo na. kasi di na ako nagugulo, nacoconflicted, naguguilty, naloloka. hindi ko na kailangan mag-respond kasi di ka na nangangailangan ng response. di ko kasi kayang di mag-respond. (kaya naman pero kung sunod-sunod na, nahirapan ako).

pero, gusto pa rin kitang kausapin. tungkol sa akin. lagi pa rin kitang iniisip. wish ko pa rin na ikaw pa rin yong iniisip kong ikaw (hetooo na, hetoo na, waaah, wahhh, doo bee doo bee doo, doo bee doo bee doo). kahit na my subjective regard does not match the objective conditions. hahaha, promise. that's the part that doesn't make sense the most.

hindi sa mahal pa rin kita. o dahil sa meron akong wow glorious grand unconditional love sa yo. kasi man, that's crap :D. i'd like to believe i'm smarter than that. puwede pa nga natin sabihin na isang malaking parte nga yon ng problema, ang aking super conditional pagmamahal sa yo. (baka yong other half ng problem ay wala kang love sa akin, unconditional man or otherwise.)

sana lang, naintindihan/ maiintindihan mo rin ako somehow someday sa heaven hehehe, na baka lang din, may sense naman ang lahat ng inalay ko sa yo (lab, galit, kaguluhan, friendship, blah di blah di blah).

at sadyang ganun laang.

vee, d'you oke?

some singing statistics ;))

1. song of the night: no arms. whuwaaaht?, you might ask. is there such a song ... no arms?!?!? yes, no arms... yes it sounds suspicious, strange. but you'd be surprised. you probably know it, i betcha. and can sing it with all your heart. yes, i swear. you wouldn't expect so. but here it goes. world, sing no arms.

No arms can ever hold you
more than I do
No man can ever love you
No,it's true
No arms can ever hold you
more than I do
You came to me from heaven,
girl,it's true.
and if I ever lose your love,
If I ever lose your heart
Oh baby,
I'm dying for your love

good, eh? ;)) that's by chris norman for you. who? yeah.

2. my favorite rave reviews of the night:

* "V!! it's only a song!!!"

* "V, sa 'yo ang red, sa'kin ang blue!!" hahahaha. such is life. you can't pick and choose your lines. so what if i want to be rick springfield. in the eyes society, i can only be randy crawford. ;))

3. my favorite songs sung:

One Hello (Randy Crawford)
Coz love begins with one hello
The hardest part is over
Now it's easy letting go
One hello is how it starts
You might win it all or lose your heart
If you're not afraid
Of what you feel
Then try and keep it simple
Or try and keep it real
And if being real means
Means you'll some day will say goodbye
Remember my friend
Goodbye's not the end
It's a circle you know
And it starts with one hello

Love Me for What I Am (The Carpenters)
If what you want
Isn't natural for me
I won't pretend to keep you
What I am I have to be
The picture of perfection
Is only on your mind
For all your expectations
Love can never be designed
We either take each other
For everything we are
Or leave the life
We've made behind
And make another start
You've got lo love me
For what I am
For simply being me
Don't love me
For what you intend
Or hope that I will be
And if you're only using me
To feed your fantasy
You're really not in love
So let me go
I must be free

nahumaling

oh dear, i haven't slept.
silly girl.
and am supposed to finish
two important things
today that require a
working brain.

ooops.

and i've just realized
my other memory card is
missing.

hmmm.

*yawn*

maligayang kaarawan africa ;)

mwehehehe

Tonight I celebrate my love for you
It seems the natural thing to do
Tonight no one's gonna find us
We'll leave the world behind us
When I make love to you
Tonight I celebrate my love for you
And hope that deep inside you feel it too
Tonight our spirits will be climbing
To the sky lit up with diamonds
When I make love to you tonight

Tonight I celebrate my love for you (ooh)
And that midnight song is gonna come shining through
Tonight there'll be no distance between us
What I want most to do
Is to get close to you tonight

Tonight I celebrate my love for you
And soon this old world will seem brand new
Tonight we will both discover
How friends turn into lovers
When I make love to you

hark the herald angels sing

dear god/goddess and attending angels ;)

need help :) must finalize our group therapy project soonest, and need help sheperding those who are meant to be in our group as participants. have been trying for last month, still no final group. please point us to the right people and the right people to us. even a change of focus is ok, if that's what's needed.

also, finishing up at practicum site one (thank you for that btw, i wasn't originally intended for that but the synchronicitous events led me there to much satisfaction :) ) and need help finalizing the second site. sana, where i can learn the most from people i can be with in the future (e.g. i need to be working in the future, possibly in June? hehe).

thank you. and also help me to relax enough for my two other counseling endeavors that are ongoing. as i might tend to forget that the most important thing is being there. you know, performance anxiety and all that.

and lastly, two of the more good-looking living things i've "met" lately are eula v and bor-g. hehe. his dad's really proud, btw.

:D

a ba ka da e ga ha i la ma na ng o pa ra sa ta u wa ya

i like myself today because

i felt like the good chicken wrap i had for lunch
and walked in a light shower to the
green tea shake i liked
and sat outdoors

i walked to two offices lightly politely
waving my receipt
and came upon t laden with copies
of readings (smile)

and at the end of the day, i finished the report
i was doing at work and gave it to
the boss, who laughed at
my lame joke and

as i ran out the door to meet my sister who
was waiting for me there she was
sat on a bench outside
my office in a

white skirt and my grey (as she is English)
tank top and she told me how as
she read this anthology for
class she opened randomly

and came upon this story that sounded like
someone i knew who had long hair
and it really did read like
someone i loved

and it was he.
then we walked to this coffee shop
across the road to meet a friend who wanted
something and is like

more kulit than anyone i know
including me and i had some
of her brownie and really good coffee
but after she blurted

out her story she said we could go
now, and so we had to go and leave her
there as she insisted though
we could have hung out more.

hehe.

* * *

dear ate nina,

as i walked to buy the green tea shake
i was murmuring about earlier
i thought about writing you
to say thank you for the
lovely birthday letter
you wrote me and visiting
everyday from senegal...
from senegal?! yes from
senegal... and also
thanks for leaving
me, no, insisting that
i must read your copy
of nicola barker's
love your enemy for
i have finally gotten
around to it, and my
is it yummy, for
who else is there
to love really
but our enemy?

and the stories are
so quirky normal
and strange and
fun and weird
and nice to
read and
think about like
learning to read
literature from
your obscene phone
caller, so there
s'long and thanks
for (all the)
book(s).

hehe.

* * *

and the thing is
i am just busy
and preoccupied
with all the things
that i need to do
and things i'm
disappointing myself
with momentarily
mainly/all about me
but it won't stick
really just that
i am stuck
in the self unit
but not really.

hehe.

* * *

sometimes i really
do think i'm better
than everyone else
and but of course
am not at all, but
since it's me, it's
no harm at all,
and it's the loveliest
thing that it's not true
but still i think it.

"ay, hala" as d would say.

hehe.

* * *

and the thing is just
as i have finally finally
gotten the hang of
waking up early in the
am again which i haven't
done since, like, high
school, it's starting to
be natural again,

but now my 100 hours are
almost over.

though i still have 100
more to go.

* * *

this practicum is like
a gift with
all the things
i get done for it.

the gift of completion
is truly what i need.

bleeeh :p

hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit sila nagpapaputok?

i can't move
as am sitting on my hand
so's it won't text you
as who knows where
that might lead
again,
hehe.

it's hard enough not being
pleased with myself.

my wiring might be a lil mad, no?
;))

* * *

i can't stand the suspense
of important things
i need to do tomorrow.

especially as it'll
be far too early
in the day.

ugh.

the anxiety of being sleepy
will keep me awake!

* * *

ever since i was a lil girl
i've always disliked
Sunday late afternoons
to evenings

such that Mondays never
turn out half as bad.
half-ass bad.

* * *

this could be the year
i will be so emotionally unstable
that next year nothing
will ever faze me.

or now. even now.
what is there to fear, but ...

sprites in formal attire

thank you

when it's your birthday, it's like there's a stream of love directed straight at you that shows itself in the cellphone's tireless beeping :)

thank you, all. i haven't been able to get back to all of you yet, but i will. am sorry for missing all the international calls. aside from the usual (silent mode, class, low batt), i am suspicious of anonymous numbers :D but i thank you for trying all the same.

same time, next year, eh? ;)

I work hard (he works hard) every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end (at the end of the day)
I take home my hard earned pay all on my own
I get down (down) on my knees (knees)
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord, somebody, somebody, ooh somebody
(Please) Can anybody find me somebody to love ?

i don't know why I do it, really. seek love from you repeatedly, like some hapless child snatched of its glittery toy. over and over again, a record spinner gone wrong. and all because at some point in your life, and my life, we exchanged some well-intentioned ill-thought out promises gone super awry. it was such a long time ago, and so much time has passed. these are already tired and trite reasons for hanging on to you, and wilted hopes. i should already know, and have learned, and moved on to something more true, and sweeter. the promise of freedom from the scent of flowers stuck in the moment should be enough.

i feel sorry for you, too. nothing you do will ever be right or be enough, given the weight of all the things that have gone wrong. i apologize repeatedly for hurting you at moments when i cannot help but leak or burst out of the self-contained containers i try to put myself in in my encounters with you. some people can take it, and will let me, and there would have been no need for the apologies. but i know you too well, part-twin of my contradictory soul, and know that your fragile self that dares reach out so rarely, snaps shut with every hurtful word, meant only to convey a need for more constant attention and affection. that's all. people do it every day, why can't you? why can't we? silly, silly me.

i need for you to dance with me. with my commander personality, i need only for you to cooperate. to come when needed, to stay away when i have to be alone. but your only rule is to break all my rules: whatever i say you go against. don't flirt with my friends, there you go. i'll make time when i can but if you're not coming when i am free please don't stress me out for i am super stretched, and that's when you come knocking. what about my bags? the other people who need me and whom i love? my work? i cannot let them go to pot just because it is at this moment you want to show love. yes, i love you too, but please i need your cooperation. do it for me, for love?

chastised by my better self, and lured by the peace of mind that comes when we are nowhere near each other, i have said goodbye repeatedly. in fact, i do it all the time. and gone for weeks and weeks without you. then we say hello, again, and my eyes sparkle at the thought of building a constant friendship with you. i want to be understood by you, and i want you to feel that i understand you. who will believe me when i say i am better at it each time. i weep now but i am far from the grieving woman i was last year. i am.

i am distressed by having quarreled with you again. birthdays are such an emotional time. everyone's text messages make me want to cry. who would know Capricorns wanted to be loved so badly? so let them, let you, let me.

i'm reading a new book, Sacred Contracts by Caroline Myss. As what happens in book-reading, I find it quite apt :). fascinated as i have been lately with dream analysis, this book asks the same thing -- take a step back, and ask yourself, what does it symbolize? this person, these people who drive you to the edge of the universe and leave you there, what do they stand for? in the grand scheme of things, in the contract that you hold with the Divine, what did/do they teach you?

what, indeed? what?

hehehe.

much easier to answer is what you hope (you wish) you symbolize to other people...

i wish i symbolized "love and intimacy, if only you would allow it" ... yes, i believe in self-serving hypothesis.

or i serve as a reminder of what you still need to pay attention to, despite everything you've been and are.

i just want a january one post.

if i asked you, would you say yes, and do it? ;)

yes, 2007.