my name is vivi and am a size 36 or a 6

the good news is, the celine sale is finally over.

YES!

the one that started six weeks ago with "everything-must-go!", then tested my quivering resolve with "everything-must-go and a further 25 percent off your second pair" offer; and then took me right over the edge and left me to drown with its "everything-must-go, futher 50 percent off your second pair" final offer.

oh shit na.

hahahaha.

i hate celine. i hate the fact that they have such funky shoes that are so sulit for your money and so usable that you just can't let it pass you by. that makes you think of every woman who's someone in your life like your mother, your sister, your best gfs and your lola who would all surely appreciate fun funky sulit pairs of shoes!

(it's the thought that counts :P)

but now that the sale is over, i can be on the road to financial recovery and academic bliss. finely and funkily shod.

refreshing!

while frolicking with the rose, we came upon this lovely garden on flickr.

state of the pansies

realizing the weirdness of my hours, and the possible dire consequences of such on potential morning appointments, i have lately been engaged in attempts to "normalize" my rhythms. so i say goodnight to those within goodnightie radius at half twelve or one, climb onto my bed, turn off the lights save for my reading lamp, read my amy tan (the opposite of fate) and wait for oblivion to steal me away. alas, amy tan is too entertaining/thought-provoking, and here i am at half past two am typing away on fiolo. on other nights, i read till four or five, or tossed around till four or five, or dozed then was startled awake by peculiar night sounds, or the alien gruntings of my aircon, because i have been like that ever since i woke up to thieves trying to get into my house last year, or gave in and worked till five or six. and so sad to say -- dare i say it? oh the shame -- i have been waking up at 10-11 am when i sleep at 3-4 or 11-1 when i sleep at 5-6, and in the past two nights because i have been ill, i just have slept the mornings away wholeheartedly.

so this is where i'm at. it's a tuesday-turned-wednesday so i have just had a very enjoyable night again at my inkblots class because i found out from when i changed seats during our second meeting, that i just have a natural affinity and affection for this class and am developing deep respect and liking for our very witty and seriously-in-love-with-his-subject to the point where he will print out copies of the lectures for all his students teacher. i like this class so much i am having idle thoughts about using inkblots for my imaginary thesis.

i also have a monday class that i took out of fear (that my time might get so unstructured i'd be bored or miserable or both. oh and that i'd get grossly undisciplined, or all three) and ignorance (i've lately been having young kids as clients and thought what i know about kids i can count with my fingers so i might as well educate myself more, but maybe i should have a kid instead so then, i'll know) and stubbornity (heeeee sounds much better than stubbornness) because this teacher and i haven't got the hang of each other, and i thought i'd try again. so as you can see, simply from my reasons, this class takes a little more effort to go to and have fun at. :D

i am also doing my thesis starting this semester but i have only gotten to the point of dipping my toes in the lake because i have been as yet extremely preoccupied flirting madly with other things, flirtation being the first step(s) to a serious commitment. i have been involved with testing and preparing psych reports for another insti (where i love the boss who says thank you back when i say thank you), with putting up a wholistic-oriented (what?) magazine, and with fixing up my stuff and my house (a lifetime preoccupation with bouts of frenzy timed with transition periods). but dipping my toes felt very very good so my hopes are mostly up. (up in the air or up-timistic, hehe).

my roommie and i are also taken with planning the daily menus and the weekly groceries (or rather, every ten days groceries) which might make you think we're running a fulltime carinderia or a gourmet restaurant instead of simply feeding three girls two meals a day. but since there's no running away from feeding the third girl task, we thought we might as well maximize the meals in terms of taste and, well, taste. hehe. it also takes planning so we don't end up with too much leftover or have one too many unsatisfactory meals. we have nightly assessments and recommendation sessions, not to mention reconnaisance missions to the refs to see what's what and what's up. hahaha. sorry, but that's how it is.

the peace and present equilibrium of my life wasn't always so. four weeks ago, i was crying into my pillows before sleep and at odd hours, for having been separated from my sister -- we had literally been in each other's hair for eight months straight. and it might be hard to explain, and therefore unexplainable hehehe, but we were (are) great friends, and got along really well on very very many levels, and had loads fun, too. it's hard to imagine for those who didn't live very closely with us and knew us very well, and hard to describe to anyone else except for one or two friends fitting that description plus our mother, so i didn't/ don't try very hard to do so (as you will see from this blog :), and from my conversations with friends). suffice it to say, that it was real, it was (is) love, and it was grief. and i know that's already enough info for those who love us and those who may not know us but who empathize (thank you).

but as with most things that are and real and truly love (not contrived nor illusionary), it respects emotional honesty, recognizes natural flow, and is grounded unconsciously and consciously, in the awareness and understanding that everything is always as it should be, and we are always in the right place at the right time. and so, four weeks hence, sister and i are once more firmly entrenched (were we ever dislocated, it was just the necessary motion) in each other's lives, this time through text, and email, and the fact that often my last thought before i go to sleep (when i am finally able to these days) is that she is well and can overcome the many bumps in her UK road. closely followed by the guilty thought that she would only be helped by me and my thinking if i truly believed she can, so there, i picture that she can.

which brings me to my thought that perhaps love, those we love, are truly our last thoughts before sleep, and how this brings up that i am also presently in the last throes of accepting the deep and abiding incompatibility (shot through with a very real love) between me and my last, err, love(r). he was often in my thoughts before i started snoring, and it was my oft-repeated wish that i was also in his, but it's a real sign of our incompatibility that i could not possibly be in his as much as i wished to be as he probably did not could not even say on any random night whether he would in fact be sleeping or at what time, and perhaps he might have just woken up. so there, me. hehehe. plus i say in the last throes because i grow more detached in the face of similar stimuli. but let's not get ahead of ourselves, lest i need to resort again to whining about ex-love(r) in the near future. hehehe. sorry, but that's the way it is.

i am also at this point in time, on a conscious process of building stronger relations with my family members, near and far, fully recognizing the fact that sometimes it's quite hard, and as such, this is a lifetime endeavor, but that life would have no meaning without family and so, even if i sometimes really need to run away for a while, this is really what life is all about :).

last week, i also, following my flow, renewed my ties and promises to do voluntary counseling with my other practicum insti. i can't tell you how immeasurably better i felt after doing so. i want to do therapy/ counseling. i want, i want. i might super suck at it, being such a super newbie needing lots of experience and guidance, but i find i am much happier by having ensured i will still be doing it at this point in time (outside of practicum or a formal practice) :)

while i was in bed writing in my head, i also thought that i don't believe in self-improvement projects but rather in awareness, and acceptance, and in living from awareness and acceptance. it is through that process, that one -- dare i say it? -- that i can truly flow. and if i haven't learned this after sitting in my favorite teacher's class for three sems in a row then i really haven't gotten the benefit of my oh-so-expensive tuition.

finally, after weeks of not being able to put my finger on it, i finally found the words that mattered to me as a thesis advisee. i don't need a super-duper-brilliant-academician adviser. i don't want strangers. more than anything, i wanted someone who believes in me. and with that, i feel i can do mostly anything.

;)

of course, i'm completely to blame :D

so here i am, infirm and shmelly, and struggling to write an article past the deadline.

my version of events is that i inhaled true friends' smoke the other day, hence, am sick. nevermind that i asked them to come to the true friends' meet-up! hehehe. of course i'm completely to blame.

while my bones languish in low-intensity fever, and my lungs throw up phlegm in exasperation at my shenanigans, i have been revising my first three paragraphs for three days now: 20 times at last count.

yes, i'm like this. i write non-blog stuff like this :D.

moi: mga 20 times ko na inedit ang 1 para
roommie: hehehehehe may tawag jan
moi: ano?
roommie: anal... perfectionist
moi: :D
roommie: ano ba yan, thesis or si gary?
roommie: kung thesis yan, bilhan kita ng donut mamaya
roommie: hahahahahahahaha
moi: bakit naman ako magsusulat ng thesis eh nagbabasa pa lang ako
moi: you're just being judgmental
moi: :p
roommie: hahahahahahahahahaha gaga!!!

amy tan's band

as i was saying a few posts back, amy tan joined a rock band for fun :D.

here they are: The Rock Bottom Remainders

and here's a sample review of their stellar performances :P

my astro dot com said this is the time period for me to know that i am really alone.

that relationships are fleeting, and that people come and go, and that essentially, I, am alone. that no one will really know how it feels to be me. just me.

strangely enough, this is true.

one gf and i used to keep each other company on late nights online. she said it to me repeatedly, "it's nice to know that there's another soul out there who's awake with you, when you're working in the wee hours." and so, we used to frolic a lot, and buzz each other, come two, or three, or four in the morning. then, yawning, we'd hie off to bed.

these days, however, she is especially busy which means that i become no longer company but distraction, and so she keeps herself away (maybe still typing away, sight unseen).

i do miss her though. i may be kulit, but i think she sees me more kulit than i really am, in her frazzled state. and i miss how we were present to each other. it's strange sometimes, how presence so present becomes absent.

but this is okay. merely, that i am alone tonight. and not feeling well.

* * *
also, according to my ex's friend, she and he are both lonely.

but as my ex used to tell me, it was ok that he got sad. he said, i was not to worry about it.

i miss my ex. i miss the part of him that let me in.

* * *

doesn't daniel radcliffe remind you of steve in sex and the city? hehe!

fantastically, we've come to this: we need fantastic stories to get us face-to-face with universal truths about humans.

TRANSFORMERS: humans have good hearts, and must not be killed!

HARRY POTTER 5: in each of us, there resides good and evil and it is up to us to go for the good. love and friendship save!

hehe! i didn't watch spiderman nor silver surfer.

but HARRY POTTER WAS SUCH FUN! I loved it.

Gary Oldman, if ever you read this: I love you. Hehe!

P.S. Trinoma at corner North Ave. and EDSA is so hugedom! It's an amazing surprise after the fence was taken away, freed up lots of space outside, lots of room to get lost inside! HANLAKI. Haha.

And I super enjoyed my first Trinoma meal of Razon's halo-halo and pancit luglug. Yum! Filled my tummy properly for Harry. (What?)

autistic rush

here i am again in this too-familiar dance. the minute hand tells me it's nine dashes past the hour of two and the bank closes at three and i need to go and deposit in a bank but as yet belong to the ranks of the great unwashed. unwashed and writing still, with 50 minutes to go, ah the clock never stops ticking. but the difference is that unlike yestday, today i have already the cash with me and simply need to put it into the good hands of the other bank.

but i wanted to dash off a few words ...

* * *

of excitement to rudie! you must read this little story of how amy tan joined a rock band of other writers (lead vocals: stephen king) and got on a bus and went on tour and dressed up as a dominatrix, and sang, complete with whip, "these boots are made for walking..."

oh what fun. i love it. :D

* * *

she loved learning to have fun with a family of friends because she didn't get to have much of it as a kid.

this is why i believe that the psychodynamic/ psychoanalytic approach has a place on earth :D. no matter how "in the know" we are, we have unconscious forces and motivations that drive us ... and we always seek balance in our energies.

hence, that one-of-the-few-good-men turned relationship-cheat. or gfs who love to shop, i can sense the delight in being able to enjoy what was inaccesible before. or a beloved turning to drink and male revelries. there are some forces hidden from us or that we are hiding from that serve to motivate our actions, and fuel our lives. say, it isn't so, it isn't so. hehe.

* * *

i am exploring the realm of narrative psychology because i am looking for a little more excitement for my thesis-to-be; to do something different from what i've done so far. and for someone who loves to read and writes to save her life, how can i miss narrative psychology. that which seeks to understand how in writing and talking, one gets to understand one's self.

in fact, tins, wouldn't that be what blogging is all about? so i still think you should still do your thesis, and getting unsolicited advice from me is a sure sign of my friendship :D

* * *

and talking of friendship, it drives me nuts sometimes that we are out of touch :D. hindi ako mapakali na hindi kita makausap. it's just that even when we are in touch, you refuse to be in touch with me in the way that i would like to be in touch with you. and so there. here i am. hahaha.

* * *

two new elements in my closeted life (closeted from most of the world): my room is clear. hahaha. my dresser is space defined. my table is free of stuff. and no, there are no stuff piled on the floor.

and all day all night, i live with jazzy music from dream fm.

a friend, a chocolate bar, and a great book

i ate my Milka with Strawberries and thought of you.

i love my Milka. i'm milka-dalok-dalok.

happy birthday oh giver of milkas :D

* * *

am super enjoying Amy Tan's book of essays, a memoir

The Opposite of Fate.

it's sooo yummy.

is to keep believing

i think the hardest thing us women need to do, and therefore the thing that we need to do the most, is really not to settle.

not to settle for anything less than what we really truly want with all of us: our hearts, our bodies, our souls.

IT. IS. SO. HARD.

it's so hard because we don't know that we truly will get what we want. there are no guarantees. there's no one to complain to if nothing happens. it's just that, until we truly let go of what is now so unsatisfactory, unsatisfying, or even hurting, we don't create the space for that something new to be able to come in.

so in a way, it's really all or nothing. let go of it all or else, there just won't be any hope.

but it's so hard.

it goes against most of our socialization or how we've been raised or trained to be women in our society. we are pasensiyosa/ matiisin. we'll bear most things in the name of pagmamahal. because that's what love is, always patient, always kind, always forgiving. we are optimistic and often look for the silver lining: uy kahit sinisigawan niya ako, at least di niya ako binubugbog.

also we're so matiyaga, so nurturing and so trained in meeting the troubles that life throws our way that we can't help but try to solve the problem that is the man/men in our lives. it's like it's a puzzle that we just can't resist solving; like a Rubik's cube that we can never fully complete.

we're self-sacrifing to boot! we'll forget about our own dreams, our goals, our other relationships that also nourish us, in pursuit of love. when love sulks, we give up our other worlds. isang simangot lang, o sige na nga, di ko na aasikasuhin ang career ko. kasi mahal kita.

and the thing is, we believe in all this. what does it matter to us if all our friends adore us or our families support us or if a bright future beckons us, if this one guy that we just love to love but who just loves not to love us back in full measure, never does?

we even cry, and we don't understand.

we give away all our power. all our power to be the creators, the artists of our lives.

we settle.

what we need to do is never to settle.

and it's like the hardest thing!

this one's for all the sisters out there who are trying their best, like i am.

inspired by a heart-to-heart with my sister, whose lovelife, in some ways, mirrors mine.

maningning and the moon

fold the paper and spread the ink

had round two of the inkblot dinners tonight, a sudden new tradition brought about by having two other playful classmates in our inkblots class, and how 6-9 pm classes can make you so hungry you want to eat the grassy lawn.

there is of course, the ever-present vendo machine with its grand array of harmful sweets, chips and sodas. nevermind health reasons, that machine has got its moods swinging wildly from one day to the next. bad-vendo days just eat up your bills and coins, giving you nothing in return: no signs of life, no hope, no calories, nothing even resembling an apology. no wait, just the other day, it gave me a lukewarm soda for my twenty-peso bill. well, thanks.

magaan ang loob ko kay fr., and probably much to his consternation, he is the ever-constant target of my teasing/tuksohan, from greeting him, "oh it's the naughty priest", in front of demure classmates; to an endless stream of tikal, in our other shared language, Hiligaynon. Fr. and I also talk in Filipino, and English, you know. hehe. basta, i like him. plus, we were born in the same year, which is rare, in graduate school where people look aghast every time i tell them i'm all of 35. hahaha, maybe they didn't realize, that really, really, people really live that long. hehe! well, we do! we did! and it's been wonderful.

so anyway, last week, i told h and fr. i'd feed them dinner for having done the deed a month ago, you know, passed the comprehensives. fr. was sooo willing to enjoy the treat, saying how much he believed in me because even if i hadn't studied, i passed! hehe! he keeps repeating this even though i already clarified that i both studied and crammed. in one ear, out the other, these priests :D.

we had a hilarious dinner the other week, also enlivened by realizing how our other inkblot classmate, the one we've only just met this semester, the very nice dr. b who had administered the test to all three of us, individually, was sat just a few tables away. hehe! it must have looked like a conspiracy, but really, we hadn't seen him come in, and we had just been talking about how grateful we were that he had been so kind :). (and tonight, he lent me two books, he's sweet and lovely :)).

so anyway, we went giggling into Max's, and ordered what i shared with them, i usually ordered with my ex on our ex-dates -- chicken and pinakbet. plus this evening we had crispy pata bites. yummy and fit for the occasion that we never knew existed until minutes before we tucked in. it was fr.'s birthday yesterday :).

chicken, pork, veggies and leche flan (thought i'd almost sneak it past you that we had dessert too ;) ) soon disappeared in the intensity of the sharing about fr.'s ex-love :D :D :D and they went on dates where my gang and i went for frozen iced-tea back during my thirsty high-school Saturdays.

indeed, there is much to discover in them inkblots :D

antipolo is so near without traffic

there's a nice place just an hour and 15 minutes out of town, like at the back of Antipolo. it's got a stunning view. of the back of Antipolo. guess what's at the back of Antipolo hills? wouldn't you like to know? ;)

but man, the place has like a 50 degree uphill driveway. heart attack. hehe. i closed my eyes as the van surged up the drive.

below was the room assigned to us two trainors. it had a very large tv, the better for watching the second to the last night of pbb. wahahaha. you could dance in the bathroom it was THAT huge.


and here's their pool. didn't get a chance to use it.


for more information, click on to Punta de Fabian. it's a good place for trainings. just get 4-wheel drive. hehe.

but what i learned this weekend is how pangit it is when you (err, them) organize a training with no conviction. or when you're (err, them) only just pretending because your heart isn't in it.

it made me feel guilty for all the times in the past that i may have organized trainings but my heart wasn't really in it. when we may have just "used" our resource persons because we wanted to have a training, and we couldn't be the resource persons ourselves because we didn't know enough.

having been in other trainings that involved heart, mind and resources, i can now tell the difference.

but i enjoyed the kids :D

dear universe, i want to know if i should be teaching kids. if you agree, please push me in that direction that i may know for sure. thank you. ;)