swimmingly

i wonder why we hardly ever get to spend our weekends or bits of our weekends together. well, we do, sort of.

i would like to :). weekends are my specialty. i love weekends, love that the sun can shine or it can rain, and you can be (deadlines and other anxieties be damned). i love that time can stretch interminably or shorten quickly like multi-colored rubber bands. that there are chunks of time, and loads of ways to hang out, like pulling each other's hair, eating food in all sorts of unhealthy combinations, getting some fresh air, catching movies, walking. walking, walking, walking. there are places with less cars and less smoke on a weekend.

or reading. reading, reading, reading. it's not even that i don't get to enjoy my weekends because i do. weekends just are.

but hardly a weekend goes by when i don't wonder at some point, why there's a weekend, and there isn't you in it. (awww. sad.)

;)

going back to one of JT's

while i tend to keep my friends, my books and even my clothes that don't fit me anymore (lol), i tend to get really sick of songs i really really liked for a loooooong time. after college, there was a time when we were really into carole king, carly simon and james taylor (yes i was at his concert at the folk arts theater, and yes, nobody does it better, makes me feel sad for the rest... where you lead, i will follow ... up on the roof ;))

but blame it on the music compilation at the spa we go to. it brought back this song (seriously that compilation could drive you to weeping if you were having a massage and feeling heartbroken):

If I present it to you with a flower in the moonlight, shiny and new,
well, you couldn't say no tonight, if I keep my heart out of sight.

thanks dd for the taytol.

Ghost in the Footspa Machine

Ghost in the Footspa Machine
Originally uploaded by Pansy.

whoooops!

ouch.

that hurt.

(always taking things in the spirit in which they were not intended. hehehe.)

The Thursday Scene

So we're in our moody-looking sala (read: with soft lighting because the fluorescent light refuses to turn on), watching/listening to tv (roommie is watching while am transfixed by my email that i resisted the entire day in order to finish my readings and my succinct one-page paper, goodie ;) ), having coffee, and getting ready to know more about marriage.

Isn't that cute? Two single women in their thirties on a Thursday night about to venture into marriage :D. It's so cute I want to say it again. Yes, we're going to learn all about marriage! Hehehe!

Technically, I am since it's my class. But as everyone within sitting distance knows, they also get to know what I manage to know in them classes.

So, I am not learning about marriage in order to get married ;) but because when one studies family and family relations, marriage is part of it.

Ah, but even without them readings, you'd be surprised. I know some things. Lol!

I used to say I could never counsel two sides of an "issue" or rather two persons involved in a situation. Too difficult! But maybe I meant, not with friends anyway.

But sometimes these days, I wonder if I would be any good at couples counseling. Would I kick the man out on the butt ;)? Hehe. But sometimes I think I could do it.

I'm sure I'll find out one of these days.

Sun Conjunct Venus

WAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA.

WALA. ;))

Ganyan lang talaga ako.

Humahalakhak mag-isa.

Wahahahahaha.

Sun Conjunct Venus makes me so happy.
;))

wadever wadever. :P

an introvert's high school memory ;))

when i was a high school little girl (as opposed to being a 30+ little girl), my gf and i loved the movie SOONER OR LATER, starring Rex Smith (yeah, that curly haired thingie hehehe) and of course, Jessie :) (i don't know the teen actress' name :) ).

and that movie was actually based on a book. and the book actually had a sequel WAITING GAMES. my gf and i then, we were huge fans of these books, and that movie, and this song.

Stars that glisten
Lips for kissin'
Honey, listen
It's true
No one ever
Loved ya better
Love ya honey
I love you

love pie

but but but ....

but isn't it that way naman talaga?

life and loving can be, and are, too, scary, and heavy, and all that.
it's true.

it's also true that it can also get warm, and cozy, and funny, and fun, and fuzzy, and sexy, and all that.
that's true too.

but it's only pie when you make the filling with the crust, and put whipped cream on top. it's not pie when you just have the fluff without the substance (the mango bits!).

baking can be hot work.
(but what do i really know, our oven is still "virgin" hehehe)

pie for two. to go.

but anyway.

back to that salad. ;))

company

the times that i miss birthday girl the most is when i long for company i won't need to speak to :) ... when we don't have to say anything to each other (when there is nothing urgent that needs to be shared) but we want the pleasure of each other's presence ... usually while reading ... in case any of you were wondering if we were just staring into space hehehe! ... and because lately i've been wanting, and having to read a lot, and sometimes want company other than mine, but can't speak while reading ... gf, i think of you a lot (hehehehe!)

this dynamic comes up a lot too with bf, this not needing to speak in the company of :), but maybe sometimes too much. with little time together, i worry and compensate for all the other-me's that aren't in the moment but wanted to share in their particular moment already past, and stuff the moment too full ;)). because i liked those other-me's too (lol) but they already got up and left the table, and went somewhere else, and i worry that they left no forwarding address.

i worry too much, little fussbody me. :)

day off

at the start of the week, i left town (lol, not too far) with 20 friends/ sorta officemates, in high spirits.

:D

i missed them :D
i missed being in a large group of people whom you know and who know you :D
i missed having to be somewhere at 8 am or else i would be left behind, and i enjoyed harassing all my seatmates at the meeting place, in the van, at the conference room :D

i spent most of the day in the meeting on Fiolo laftaf, putting together some reports needed during the meeting. i enjoyed it :D. i missed having to do something that would be useful to many, and not just to me.

i enjoyed the meals together.
i enjoyed flirting with them, boys and girls alike, and i enjoyed whispering/ writing notes, analyzing, while the meeting was ongoing.
oh, i also enjoyed taking note of the differences in process and participation, between regimes :D

still, long after my enjoyment had run its course, and the day had technically ended and a new day begun, they were still meeting! under the rain.

lol. that part, i didn't long for. and by that time, i was panicking about wanting to go home, and having to read :P

isang tagay ;)

ay nakadaan ka na.

happy birthday tita eds ;)! nawa'y nakakasuot ka na naman ng mini-skirt diyan sa iyong Alemanya. nawa'y magaling ka na mag-German, at sana makamit mo ang iyong mga inaasam-asam. :)

am tired of titles :D

you know when the "missing-moment" fills you?

popped up online, after dialing THAT prepaid isp one million times. to see if he's online.

he's not.

;))

i love psychology+

YES, it's true. I LOVE psychology.

I find all my classes interesting. I look forward to reading my readings. The discussions always make me want to go off and read further on spin-off topics. I borrow related books from the library and surf the net for more information and articles by the theorists. I wonder how the various concepts can be used and are being used in therapy, I am fascinated by the real-life therapy stories told by teachers. I want to get to know my teachers, find out how they got to be who they are (hehehe). I even take note of how they teach their classes, for in case I get to teach the same classes in the future.

I also love going on a psychological-labeling spree (pinning psycho-pathologies on each other and pointing out psych processes that we come across in daily life) with roommie, another psych major, and one of my alleged role models (hehehe!). Indeed, it becomes a daily case of a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

To be honest though, I am not yet a good student. With the load that I have, I do have to read everyday. But my absorption is still slow, sometimes I need to reread the readings to internalize them. Plus I am still learning the language and the concepts so am not yet very articulate. You know when you are starting to understand but can't say? Also, my concentration is shot when I get upset over my life. But I do have to push myself to speak out more in classes -- to maximize this moment, so to speak (and my tuition hehehe). I can't help but speak out only on those occasions when people say something i totally disagree with. Then, I get all red in the face and sputter my protest (hehehe!). I do want to experience my classes fully as this semester won't happen again :). I want to be in this now.

Still and all, it's grand. (A far cry from forcing myself to get curious about economics, hehehe. If I tried really really hard, I could get a spark. But nothing like this.)

So there. I just wanted to say. Now I have to go catch my thoughts for my thought paper due later. They're still at large. And I'm getting alarmed.

:) +

Today’s a funny day. My Wednesday teacher was hilarious in acting out her examples to the various concepts that make up the object relations approach to personality. Like mirroring. She said with the “mirroring” concept, she understood how it is that couples in love can spend hours just staring at each other without talking. It’s just like staring at yourself in the mirror. It can be terribly fascinating. For isn’t it that when you’re in love, you’re mirrored: “Here at last, is someone who sees me! And thinks my rabbit teeth are great!”

Anyway, it was interesting finding out about object relations – about how babies start to find/ lose security/ love/ warmth in their first objects (usually the mother’s breast) and how their reaction to this can start off emotional patterns that they can take to adulthood if unresolved. I kid you not, it’s not some far out sci-fi fantasy, it can actually all sound very possible. So much so that now I want to study more about this approach, and go into therapy myself (hehehehehe). Just to get clarified on some of my more destructive emotional habits :D Or maybe I really just want to talk some more about this stuff with a practicing therapist.

Especially after yesterday.

I was sat in class yesterday in depressed mode as I had been the entire morning, precisely wondering about my emotional dilemmas, and wondering what should be the lesson for me in this current impasse. It was such a repetitive and real situation, and tiring too, that it’s quite clear as day that I have to learn something from this. So I was sat there, half-listening to my Tuesday teacher, not meeting anyone’s eyes and thinking if there was something really wrong with how I was feeling about this certain emotional issue, and half-thinking that I should really go and talk to someone about it, just to get a perspective. (It gets tiring analyzing yourself, and putting it aside doesn't always work.)

So anyway, so many of the things that unknowing Tuesday teacher said spoke to me as I was sat there, facing him by the aisle at the very end of the room. We have been discussing the various stages of personality development, and have just gone past the part where it says daughters develop fascination for their dads, and sons get more attached to mothers. And Tuesday teacher was saying that a parent’s “abandonment” often has many traumatic effects on children, especially a dad’s leaving on daughters. I put abandonment in quotes because we’re not talking here about parental fault, but certain circumstances, and how a child chooses to react to these, and how sometimes this reaction carries over till adulthood as an emotional habit, or schema.

After the lecture, as has been our routine, teacher set aside some time for meditation. And this session he had us go back to the time when we were six. Immediately I was in the house that I grew up in when I six, I could not see myself but I could see inside the house with “my” eyes, as a six-year old. I was going around the house kitchen to dining to sala, back porch to aratilis tree to laundry area and some of the scenes from those times flashed thru my mind. One of this was of me sitting on my dad’s thigh, as kids will. At this point, I started getting weepy so in the middle of meditating, I kept wiping my eyes with my fingers (how embarrassing was this, right, in a semi-public situation), but as what happens when you start to cry, you can’t just stop. Especially when the scene became my mom and I listening to voice tapes from my dad when he spent six months in Japan around that time. And I remembered he used to send letters addressed to me when he was away then. Oh dear. I had to reach over into my bag for my pack of tissues for by this time I was crying complete with sipon.

Of course, Tuesday teacher NOTICED me by this time. He came over to me, and said, just go with it. And “you’re a good girl, you’re a good girl.” He ended the session by saying for everyone to look to him and smile.

Smile. It was a good experience despite the crying jag. I realized I have “abandonment” issues (nobody’s fault, ok these things happen) and I had joked about this to a loved one last week. IT WAS A JOKE when I said that. Hehehe. I can probably say that I do have abandonment issues from past lovers but this was the first time I learned of abandonment issues from childhood.

Anyway, earlier in the class someone had asked teacher what should be done about past traumas? And one of the things he said was about staying in the now, leaving the past, and dealing with the actual issue/crisis happening.

Time to deal :)

P.S. Incidentally, about ten years ago when my dad was leaving for another stint abroad, I spent hours on the phone with an ex, crying over it. Which was a bit strange considering that by that time I'd lived away from home for eight years already! Anyway. ;)) I'd always remembered that incident because ex was so pleased with me then (how strange that as well).

The Tuesday Something Extraordinary Happened

you know how these things go. you're in a particular context, with a particular mind-set, with a particular state of spirit, at a particular spot, at a particular time. and something happens that seems to have been meant JUST FOR YOU. ;)) that you never expected.

You, Universe, you're very naughty. Thank you (but did it really have to be with 15 other people??!!!? hahahaha. It's pretty hard not to judge one's feelings, to just experience them, when one finds one's self crying in a room with 15 strangers.)

Will write it up some time :).

this week's forecast

There is a New Moon in Cancer, V, which sets the stage for new beginnings within your current relationships. As Saturn prepares to leave Cancer for another twenty-nine and a half years, you have learned a number of lessons about your relationships. You now know a great deal more about which ones really do work and which ones may not be in your best interest. This is your chance to take the initiative and to focus on creating a strong bond that will develop and get stronger as time goes by.

the real reason

the real reason am more comfortable on the desktop than Piolo laftaf is because i had my desktop table especially made to be shorter, many years ago.

hehehehe.

and Piolo gets too hot on my lap. :P

sandy dreams

in two weeks we are going to the beach :D

we are going because three people are celebrating birthdays :D

and we would like to celebrate on their behalf :D

hehehehe.

not one, not two, but three excuses.

and these three people won't even ever know :D

hahaha.

p.s. oh tita e, your birthday warrants a different celeb. take your pick: mishka adams? brass monkeys? oyster boy? you pick, we do. ;) lab you :P you are always thought of. so far away. why doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore. it would be so fine to see your face at my door. -carole king :)

it "pang"-ed

alarmed by the sight of my beloved nemesis' files on one of my tables, i frantically burned my files onto various cd's, wanting to erase all traces of me from what was once my territory and soon to be favorite nemesis'.

burning done with, i took a deep breath and pressed the delete button. three times for three directories.

v_as_herself
v_2004
v_2005

owwwwww. owwwww. owwwww. my life and times for 8 years. my personal files, letters, bills, thoughts, resources, diary entries, chat logs, music files, lyrics, and a million and one pictures.

gone. never to be found in that hard drive again. (windows prompt: this directory is too large for the recycle bin. delete permanently?). delete, indeed. like i was never here.

thank goddess for nero :D.

for as long as ...

as sung by my old favorite Ms. Julia F. the androgynous daw (hehehe)


As long as we have hope, prayer, and a little bit of time to
Get us there, hope, prayer and time
-- written by Gary Clark