sudden thought: did he ever ask me what i wanted in all the major decision-making and other things that happened?

did i? sometimes, i did.

oh dear. what if he never asked me what i wanted? asked in the sense that he wanted to know because what i would say would have to be part of his considerations?

shit. communication probably really does help a lot especially when it's authentic.

*****************************

sorry for the preoccupation. will post of fun things when we've successfully pulled it off. almost, but not quite yet. ;)

"naka", as M would say

sabay sabunot ng hair niya. ;)). i love that sabunot-hair YM emoticon.

Capricorn woman, you seem to like to hide your feelings and your emotional needs from other people. You really need to be able to trust other people in order to share your feeling with them. They seem to have to guess at your deepest secrets. Yet, today you could save a lot of time in your love life, if you would just accept to tell your partner what you want out of your relationship, or even what you would like to change about it. Talk about it. Your partner is listening...

anna

"I was unfaithful. That's what I was. It helped to have it spelled out. I shook my head and stared at his feet. I felt a pang at their familiarity. It takes an awful lot to stop loving someone. We'd both pigeon-toed away from the relationship, step-by-step."

"I don't know if it's linked to being the oldest child but Issy runs the gamut of tyranny. Half the time she's imperious, treating us like Blackadder treats Baldrick, the rest of the time, she's sulking because we offended her in our sleep or something. She likes to be the boss, but she also likes to be babied."

Behaving Like Adults by Anna Maxted

riding in the taxi one evening

i wrote myself a letter from him. in my head, i said all the things i wanted to hear.

that he's glad that i became a part of his life, and that i was a part of his. that he loved me. and cares about me. he said thank you for the love. and that he learned a lot from me. and he said he's really sorry that things didn't work out between us.

and that he wishes me well.

celebrating the fact that, finally, after much nervousness and several ejection attempts

i will be sitting squarely in the classroom of the teacher i want to learn from.

p.s. did you know that there are at least six versions of that song "It's Raining Men?"

fear and loathing in MM

sometimes sitting in dr. m's (hi t! ;) ) class is like doing transcription. you want to write down every word she says, because everything is meaningful :) at least the ones you get to digest in the split-second before she speaks again.

this is what i brought home last night. i went to class with a glass of strawberry-kiwi shake (yum, yup second in a row HB), and went home recognizing the truth about not stopping at awareness. rather, while we start with knowing, and being aware of our truths, what is more important is how we then start to live from those truths. we cannot leave it at, yes, we know. we need to shift our being into that truth and live from it. in doing so, we grow into other truths. in short, we grow.

however, there's no short-circuting the process either and saying, oh, we grew already. this is why am never comfortable with a friend's focus on change, saying that it is the most constant thing in this world (i feel saying this he's just protecting himself from being hurt by the change.) sure :). but change becomes natural, becomes part of us when recognizing our truths (emotional honesty, joannie calls it) becomes natural to us too. then we don't need to notice or comfort ourselves with the thought that changes just happen anyway, because when we are emotionally cognizant of our truths, we are the change that happens. the change is us.

this is also why it gets to me when friends also say, move on. because i feel it shows they don't know me at all. because i do move on :). and simply noting down (blogging!) or sharing my troubled thoughts with you is just simply that. me marking the moment with you, saying this is my truth now. those who know me very well, never say move on but simply listen. or agree or disagree, without invalidating what i'm saying.

but the truth is, i am guilty of the same crimes, i see that now. i am often uncomfortable listening to ate v's stories of her hard life, not because she doesn't have the right to tell them or to mark her moments with me. but i get afraid. i feel pressured to solve her problems because probably a lot of the time, i can solve her problems. and probably, a part of her also wants me to solve some of her problems because we do have that dynamic. i have more resources, and more knowledge in some areas, and it is a power equation in my favor. as with many things in life, it is a dynamic, and it is up to the two of us to work out a comfortable process where she gets to say her stuff without neglecting her work for us, and i get to help her without her depending wholly on me to solve her problems.

that's not the first realization i've had either about me being uncomfortable with other people's discomfort, sadness or sorrows. some time recently, i realized i was no longer afraid to open my eyes to my dad's sorrows or fears, when he has them. before this, both consciously and unconsciously, i was leery of too much connection because connection implies seeing and accepting. right now, i am more ready to receive him and can be there for him in more ways than previously. and like many gifts of the self, being ready to receive others means also that i will get to learn.

so i recognize it when some friends are unwilling to receive me, to just see me and stay with me thru my joys and my sorrows. that is ok. maybe, at some point, we will still get to receive one another. maybe not. maybe you will get to receive others. maybe you already do.

what's key though is the awareness. we have to own up to what we feel. to own up to and to own. we need to possess what we feel in the moment that we feel them, and having fully possessed them, we can let them go. then we move on.

a whole universe of joys and sorrows open up to us when we own up and own, instead of ignoring, denying or running away from our truths. we grow into this universe, and we grow some more into others.

(err sorry for the spate of stealing other people's titles ;))

killing time in a warm place

haaay, wala akong magawa :) wala naman akong problema :) just lonely i guess. it takes more work to connect when you're mostly by yourself, and you've always been the picky personality for whom it takes the perfect mix of ingredients to create cozy happiness :).

can't go running to a friend for comfort coz anything could go wrong, and an encounter could set us off ricocheting in all directions, and we'd end up worse off. hihi. caution has become more than necessary, as it takes too much to gain equanimity. and it seems to be that, never when you're needy. although needy is normal, and needy is true. although what i've always needed, and what would have solved most of our troubles at any time from the beginning in the middle till the end and up to now, was just a hug. ahhh life, but that's how it is.

not finding comfort at home either these days, easily irritated by little things (this is probably what marriage can be like if not tended properly), and the mutual phase where it seems that we prefer being alone by ourselves than with most people, including each other. and because i'd rather be perfectly wanted, than have to prove my good company, i stay away. all this being perfectly peevish, of course. haha.

at the same time, i also respect other friends need to be, to just be, even when just being results to not being with me. hehehe. i miss, i do :) and it doesn't have to cost a peso either. just the pleasure of our company :)

and so i burrow deeper into the covers, and into the pages and pages, and thank the Goddess for school.

and the porn, man, i must get to it right away :P

yes, i am doing a review of literature on porn and its harm to women.

crash and burn

i just wanted to say that :D. crash and burn.

someday when i'll be a 60-year-old girl, i'll still really be a 16-year-old woman.

i'm going back to the start. -coldplay

laughter=tears, and also
tears=laughter

girls in pants, the third summer of the sisterhood

it always happens that when I read a Melina Marchetta, I also read an Ann Brashares. All within two weeks of each other. And a tissue box for each, if you please. Plus snorts of laughter to make the neighbors think they live next to the house of loony spinsters who watch sex and the city dvds at four am.

tee hee.

i love viola because

because i am me and i like myself. and trees. :D

there! that should do it for google. lol.

my friend magya taught me to search "i love (type your name or alias) because" in google, and spend an entertaining afternoon in self-appreciation or otherwise.

here are some of my results from the google page:

1. SparkNotes: Twelfth Night: Themes, Motifs & Symbols
This situation creates a sexual mess: Viola falls in love with Orsino but cannot tell him, because he thinks she is a man, while Olivia, the object of ...

2. Twelfth Night essays - Free Essays - Viola and Orsino in Twelfth Night
In the fifth and final act the love between Orsino and Viola is now possible because viola reveals that she is in fact a woman and not the male page Cesario ...

3. Pansy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Under good conditions, pansies and viola are perennial plants, although they are ... Because of the origin of its name, the Pansy has long been a symbol of ...

4. Penguin Reading Guides | A Day Late and a Dollar Short | Terry ...
I opened the story with Viola because I wanted the reader to "meet" everybody through ... Cecil claims to love Viola, even when he leaves her for Brenda. ...

5.Movie Spoiler for the film - SHE'S THE MAN
This is annoying Viola because she really likes Duke. ... Viola falls in love with her roommate, he's in love with another girl, the other girl is in love ...

6.Viola@Everything2.com
Bach preferred the viola because then he could be "in the middle of the harmony. ... Viola di amore [It., viol of love: cf. F. viole d'amour], a viol, ...

7. Benefits of Switching to the Viola
I LOOVE viola, its so rich and deep. I started on viola and would love to continue playing...but i am focusing more on violin right now because of college ...

8. Never Fall in Love with a Viola Player
When in doubt, he would be at the venue because that is where is felt most at home. ... "Never, and I mean never fall in love with a viola player." ...


9. Viola - Welcome to Rock. - GUESTBOOK
If you love Viola and you know it, clap your hands! *clap clap* ... Just wanted to drop a note and show some love because I'm up past my bedtime and surfing ...

effeminate male that I am

errr, yes. I am an effeminate male (a pansy has indicated an effeminate male since Elizabethan times, says Wikipedia), a musical instrument (the viola), and a flower, the pansy.

as a flower, I am heart's ease or the wild pansy, the "progenitor of the cultivated pansy" that can be made into a potion to make the reluctant fall in love with one's self.

the flower pansy also stands for thoughts. Lots of thoughts, from the French word pensee, root word of the word pansy. Wikipedia says it "was so named because the flower resembles a human face and in August it nods forward as if deep in thought."


i am viola, named from shakespeare's twelfth night (see shakespeare in love for proof), and a psychic once said i was a pansy in past plant lives.

Moreover, I am cheeky, and need watering :D (err, yes, thanks for the constant appreciation hahaha). From Wikipedia, still: "Pansies should be watered thoroughly about once a week, depending on climate and recent rainfall. For maximum bloom, they should be given flowering plant food about every other week, according to the plant food directions. Regular deadheading can extend the blooming period."

but enough about me :P

gay girl!

in the news

it was this car.



we were happy as clams in it. at least as happy as one can get with a frequent murderous expression on one's face (it had been a temperamental summer, hehe! but it changed d's opinion on crv's. and it was a lovely drive.)

good morning

ahhh, sunrise :D

how lovely.

soon, it'll be time to sleep.

humid to the 100,000th power

oral fixations

honey proffered a lovely carrot cake in a box. vegan, she said, made without eggs. entranced, i rushed off to make coffee with the last of the mocha grind. which honey liked.

offered the last slice of cake to dee, with the macadamia coffee, with a dash of bailey's.

kept popping those lubid-lubid's from ilo. delish with a small glass of coke! just enough for a sick girl drowning in orange juices.

couldn't get over the urge to cook chicken soup so went ahead and did it at almost midnight. concocted it by mixing up in my head vika's recipe for chicken soup and bride-to-be's instructions for chicken asparagus soup. voila! ahhh, hot creamy filling chicken soup for the sick and the hungry!

good for breakfast as well.

and for lunch too.

snacked on an incredibly sweet small apple and slices of cheddar. nice surprise! picked up the apples at the grocery store to try.

mmm, macadamia coffee.

might go out later for a bar of good chocolate. or sashimi.

added ammunition

what's clear is that taking the prone position (prone to negative thoughts, hehe), clutching at Marchetta, chugging juices, popping vit. c and the occasional alaxan, aren't enough.

something needs to take me from strength to strength (hehe, just liked the sound of strength to strength).

am going the way of the lagundi.

p.s. oh, and vick's too

clutchbook

Suddenly it was 5 am, and i had turned the last page of my second Melina Marchetta for 2006, tear-streaked face sunk into the sofa, slightly mad from laughing loudly and weeping copiously to myself.

Saving Francesca feels like saving me.

I remembered how it was, that it had been my supposed first-ever birthday with you. How shaken I was when you gave up, because I thought it's just like that. Sometimes I really just need to be like the crazed woman from hell. Maybe I went mad wanting to be talked to. Maybe I really just wanted to take care of you, and to be taken care of.

Maybe the sixteen-year-olds in Marchetta's book makes double-the-age-and-some-more me grow up too (oh yes.)

Will clutch this book to chest as I go to sleep.

where did we begin?

with M, it was on a bus ride to Zambales and back, in one day, to check out a resort near here for the Women's Committee. major bonding. thank you for taking the time to ride for hours and hours and hours with someone not-yet-friend. it sure erased those dagger looks you must have thrown my way when I leisurely walked the university pathways with your crush. hehe!

with HB, it was her hanky i never returned (a long-term issue of our friendship) on the day i found a letter on the college org bulletin board (for goodness' sake!!! hahaha), that ended for good a three-year relationship.

with J, it was being able to tell her that i was in love with fido dido at a time when it was definitely uncool to be so. hehe!

with E, it must have been all those trips out the office on afternoons to find merienda. was that it?

with D, it was the swimming. was that it?

with A, it was her coming up to me in fourth grade! i was the new girl and knew no one!

with R, it was all those Shirley MacLaine books briefings at Rich St. was that it?

how cool are we? ;))

VII.
What are you so afraid of?

I need only to cry on your shoulder
I will not wet your entire shirt.

I need only the comfort of your hand,
I will not chain myself to it.

Sit with me, as I do with you.
Let us commemorate this moment together.

*
IX.
There’s no need to mini-
mize me, the way they super-
size the fries.

Stare at me and see me.
I’ll hold your gaze.

*
X.
They start it,
and they get so afraid,
they run away.

Even the good ones.
(He sees so many others
A trait I admired
and desired.

He looks past me.)

They go.

*
XI.

He used to look at me.

*
XII.

I see them, still.

academics

10 good news:

1. was pretty pleased to finally find my formal letter of acceptance to school as a degree student. ehehe! yes! on my last semester of academic units, i am finally a certified degree student ;)).

actually what this means is that i have finally finished with all the undergraduate prerequisite courses, and have submitted all requirements including honorable dismissal from further up the road.

2. yes, you heard it right. i am on my last semester of required courses (oh, where did the time go?). my last NINE class units, pretty heavy too for a nine-unit semester. after this i do my practicum, and take my comprehensive exams. after that i do my thesis.

but don't be surprised if i still end up taking classes next semester. i want to maximize my student status by taking courses that i can use in the real world anyway, including towards a Phd (angels, help!).

3. i almost fell into the lap of the teacher that i don't want to ever be with again, because the other section closed (other students being in agreement with me). as in, i will postpone this particular subject to next semester if i have to take it with her. luckily, her sked conflicted so the first teacher consented to add me.

after a few hours, they changed the sked so my official reason (conflict with another necessary subject) went kaput! but no, no taking back of enlistment :D

A BIG WHEW and thank you to all angels in charge of school registration.

4. i got an A and A minus for my summer courses. wahoo!!!

errr, a short explanation here. my all-seeing eye actually didn't catch the minus signs after the As in my exam papers, hence I have been announcing to people that I got an A in that stat thang. hahaha! selective perception, sorry. didn't mean to :D

5. i'm already super prepared for school with three new notebooks, black shoes, small thermos for water (i have decided that my bit for the environment will involve not buying anymore mineral water bottles if i can help it), and schoolbag! hehe!


and plus 5 points for roommie's birthday tomorrow, so all in all that's 10. hehe :P

here's the score, yellow!

for the curious public:
i have 3 yellow tees
and 2 yellow tanks!

and 2 other yellow tops that i don't wear
for the usual reasons... meaning
tightness.

hehehe!

oh and i have yellow sneakers but no
yellow knickers

;))

p.s. by way of explanation: amongst the spate of
accusations coming my way recently, one
is that i have no yellow clothes :P

this is the week when things just pop up out of the blue.

... like the instant quickie project that fell into my lap the other day as i was downloading songs on the internet. an ex-boss called asking for help. and it's something that i can do too, given my previous work and background. (although for a sec, i wondered why it was that ex-boss, and not the other ex-boss that called. maybe a matter of tactics on their part, if it had come to that. hehehe!)

... like the instant date with this good-looking young cousin and his warm, funny, reflective stories of growing up married :) nice one, cousin! have fun in the u es of a.

... or the fact that I am now sick, brought about by having the ex-boss' aircon blasting fully onto me, while we talked about women, health and water. i am dismayed to be sick, it adds to the low morale. have been needing to fight for my dignity, lately. but if i don't who will? (and a million thanks to those whose love sustain me). certainly, I have learned my lessons well, very very well, more times than you can imagine, long before this year. and after everything, I would still choose to have erred on the side of naivete than on the side of dishonesty.

Love, peace and trees! The trees know and they will remember :)

sound trip

inakusahan na naman akong bad influence. paano kasi, itong si vika, binanggit na pinag-iisipan niya daw bumili ng mp3 player! eh timing pa, medyo pinag-iisipan ko na rin na gusto ko ng mp3 player! lately kasi, nalulusaw na yong mga personal protesta ko na nakakasira ng tenga ang laging may gamit na earphones. naaakit ako sa ideya na puwedeng bitbitin kahit saan ang mga paboritong kanta. at dala na rin ng pagkatuwa ko sa panonood ng DVD sa kuwarto ko na gamit ang plug-in speakers, puwede nga naman mag sound trip na may speakers nang hindi laging nakabukas si fiolo, di ba? at laluna't puwede ang player na may fm radio na isa sa mga trip ko rin. so 'yon. na excite ako nung binanggit niya iyon at dahil nasa mall na kami, agad kaming nag-ikot at nagtingin ng mp3 players na hindi gawa ng mansanas (hehehe, mahal po yon!).

ang nangyari ay nakabili si vika ;)).

kagabi, pinakinig niya sa amin ang kanyang mga playlist na organized by singer/ band and by genre. enjoy kami! (pero gusto ko lang sabihin na kung ako iyon, naka-iskrambol ang maraming kanta kasi ayaw ko ng predictable na playlist kaya nga mahilig ako sa radyo.) so pagkauwi ko, naengganyo akong pakinggan ang aking mga mp3s, at tuloy nauwi sa iyakan. delikado din pala may mp3 player at kung saan saan napupunta ang damdamin ;))

pero natutuwa din akong magsound trip ngayon. ngayon na may sapat na panahon para mag sound trip dahil ako ay, NASA BAKASYON! Woohoo!

Heto ang dalawang kagandahang kanta. Idownload niyo na. Wahehehe.

It's about time, by Jamie Cullum
Walking down to the waters edge, where I have been before
If I don’t find my love sometime, I’m walking out that door
Some may come and some may go, but no-one seems to be
The person I’ve been searching for, the one who’s meant for me

Biddin' my time, trying to find the heart that’s lonely
Looking for her, my love, my one and only
Maybe I’ll dream, tonight about the girl, who’ll be coming my way
So I’ll take this chance and celebrate the day
When I’m making my way through an open door
I got some love and so much more
And I’m ready, to make someone mine
Making my way through an open door
I got some love and so much more
And I’ll find her
'cause it’s about time

What's your sign? by Des'ree
What's your sign? do you know?
Let me guess? you're scorpio?
What's your rising? where's your moon?
Scorpios are pretty cool. see i'm a sag.
So they say. i'm a butterfly, i like to play.
I'm always aiming into the sky.
I point my arrows, extremely high.

Chorus:
'cos everyone, has a sign.
Whether supernatural or divine.
Believe or not, if you're so inclined.
'cos in this great big universe
We're the stars on earth

Kasi, oh so coool ang dalawang kanta na iyan. Ang lamig lamig lamig. Sarap pakinggan.

lab, talaga

actually, gusto ko talaga.

kaya kong ma-imagine ang quality ng interaction and relating na gusto ko.

pero nakakatakot din.

natatakot din ako kung tama ba iyong ginugusto ko. hindi kaya ako maghanap ng iba kung sakaling matagpuan ko ang ganung quality ng interaction?

hahaha. at dahil hindi ko alam, at hindi ko malalaman hangga't di ko alamin, stuck in a moment ang lola vivi niyo.

* * *

nahirapan kasi ako
at nahirapan ka rin.

hindi nangyari yong mga ginusto kong mangyari.
(malamang hindi mo rin ginusto ang mga nangyari.)

pero doon sa proseso kung saan hindi nangyari ang mga gusto kong mangyari
sobrang dami ang natutunan ko sa sarili ko
(mga pangyayaring hindi ko inasahan :)

at kung nagsimula ako sa kalagitnaan na galit na galit sa iyo
sa ngayon ay kahit i-try ko pa, hindi ko na makuhang magalit.
(minsan kasi tinutukso ko ang sarili ko at try ko talaga magalit pero wiz, hahaha).

***

pero gusto ko pa rin ang gusto kong mangyari.

at takot na takot na akong hanapin ito sa iyo.

***

at bago pa man sumakit ang ulo ko sa kakabangga ko nito sa dingding

iniiwasan ko na lang ang dingding. minsan tumitingin sa kisame. laging lumalabas ng pinto. nakadungaw sa bintana.

dahil, hindi nagsisimula at nagtatapos ang buhay sa dingding na ayaw gumalaw.

hahaha.