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Created by Eugene Villar.

the long road to never

dahil mapaglaro ang isip ko at mapanunlog ang puso ko, inisip ko at pinakiramdaman kung bakit ayaw ko na.

translation: because i have a mind that likes to toy, and a heart that makes kulit, i searched within me as to why i don't wanna no more, ever. (ahh, the pleasures of self-explanatory intuit-your-own-meaning, murderous, English. hahahaha, sorry po Shakespeare).

kasi di naman niya ako inapi. di ko naman masasabi na di niya ako mahal. di ko naman masasabi na he was never there for me (now and then but not always). pero bakit ba ako punding-pundi at kahit gaano ko i-tempt ang sarili ko, sa aking imagination, di pa rin ako kumakagat?

because he didn't oppress me. nor can i say that he didn't love me. neither can i say that he was never there for me (now and then but not always). but why do i feel so depleted, and no matter how much i try and tempt myself, in my imagination, i cannot muster any enthusiasm for connecting once again?

ayaw ko na kasi. wehehehe.

ayaw ko na ng paulit-ulit. ganun na naman. ayaw ko na ng paulit-ulit na ganun na naman. ang pinaka-ayaw ko sa lahat, yong make-or-break na inaayawan ko, yong ayaw na ayaw ko na talaga yong winiwithdraw and/or winiwithhold ang sarili.

waaaaah. ayaw ko na talaga nun. hahaha. sinusumpa ko na ang witholding/ withdrawal.

di ko na kinakaya at di ko na kakayanin yon. di bale na wala na lang forever. ayaw na ayaw ko na ang nandiyan tapos nawawala.

di ko na care kung ano ang reason. nasaktan ka kaya't ayaw mo na akong kausap. na-imbey ka kaya lalayo ka baka kung ano pa masabi mo. nadedepress ka kaya't ayaw mong magsalita. ayaw mo lang at busy ka. or wa ka lang care sa akin sa time na yon.

nadiskubre ko na ayaw ko na talaga ng ganun, kahit anupaman ang reason. oh maaan, such an intimacy killer. the unpredictability of hot and cold. na stress ang self-esteem ko, na overstretch ang patience and understanding ko, nag-run out ang love ko. siguro among strangers, puwede pa yon. but between the two of us, it's unacceptable. kasi kung anuman ang reason mo, handa naman akong makipag-usap. pero halos never ka nakikipag-usap kaya

ayaw ko na.

di ko rin ma imagine kung paano mo ma-overcome ang ganun. or kung naintindihan mo na yon ay nakakamatay. bawal tumawid, nakakamatay.

as the mmda say, cross and you die!

hehe.

My Daily Tarot
at Astrology Dot Com


The Strength card reversed suggests that disappointment, fear, emotional extremes or the grind of daily life may be taking its toll on your love life or relationship. You may feel under pressure to take action, but you need to take some time for yourself or seek guidance in order to understand your options, regain control, assess the challenge or get over it. Don't resort to manipulation, confrontation, force or socially unacceptable behaviors. Don't gripe when you can do something about it.

love lives

a boring reflection, don't say i didn't warn you :P

i was at my father's last christmas and left my sister in the company of my grandma, aunts, uncles and cousins on my mom's side. d got it going good with the cousins. they bonded and decided d needed to visit them in cebu last summer.

and so, we did.

i bonded as well with the cousins. the md asked me about my lovelife (they never had before hahaha. nor have i ever offered any information myself) while we were squashed together at the back of the very nice car with the individual tvs, on the way to the city to have dinner and coffee.

i said, i didn't know (i still don't). there was a guy but we could never get it going for very long. we liked each other fine. but we could never get a relationship off the ground for prolonged periods. our airplane just crashes.

and she said, and i really appreciated this from her, yes, i had the same experience too. there was this guy whom i really liked. i really liked him. but i knew that if we got together, i would have a very hard time.

and so, she said, sometimes it's just like that.

* * * *

even now, in the comfort and the pleasures of my solo-life
many things remind me of this guy i really like.

things on tv, things on the internet, and things in my head.

the way he is (but not with me) just makes me laugh.

when i was younger (maybe even just last week),
it seemed so unthinkable to like someone,
and have someone like you, and yet never have it work out between you.

i thought love and liking would surely make it work. as i only
ask of partners that we love and like each other.

mali pala ako.

i can't even be close friends with this guy because
we never fail to stray into something a little more
romantic after just a few days

and a little more never works out because we always
manage to also piss each other off, and when that happens
it gets really ridiculous in ways you can't imagine.

kaya ganun na lang muna. or forever.

* * * *

i also have this story of the-one-who-got-away

there's also this other guy who's also riduculously nice
(because ridiculous is my word for the day.)

he always treated me with consideration, with much niceness
and he also made me laugh (which seems to be my only standard hahaha).

and such was my frustration with guy above that i said:
if mr. nice guy ever came back to me, i'd marry him in a minute

because suddenly, nice seemed the only way to go
i craved for someone to treat me well.

i said it often enough that mr-nice-guy-the-one-who-got-away
who has not been in my life for some time now (as he is attached)
suddenly popped in for a second, and said (without my really asking)
that he really really is happily attached right now.

hahahaha! i enjoyed that, really. i thought that it was
a message to me straight from the universe to say
stop making psychic waves with such silly statements.

other things are in store.

oh yeah.

sexy set

the lights are dim
and you're sitting in a crowd (a crowded table wehekhekhekhek)
and janoi and kakoi
make music that just
make you feel so sexy.

oh maaaaan.

see you next Thursday
at their regular set.
70's Bistro, lay your racket on the doorstep (wehekhekhekhek)
and fling back your heartaches with your
(imaginary) curly hair.

see you there.

Youve got your ball
Youve got your chain
Tied to me tight tie me up again
Whos got their claws
In you my friend
Into your heart Ill beat again
Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock
And sweet you roll
Lost for you Im so lost for you
You come crash into me
And I come into you

(J's cover of Dave Matthews Band, wehehehe!)

may diskusyon kami ng aking kaibigan. kasi sabi ko, naaawa ako kay wendy ng brendy.

sabi ko, naaawa ako dahil lost siya. sarili niya lang nakikita niya. pinag-iisipan niyang plastic kapag iba ang opinyon sa kanya at iba ang paraan ng paglalahad ng opinyon at damdamin. di niya binubuksan ang isip at puso niya at subukang intindihin kung saan kaya nanggagaling ang iba.

basta, para sa kanya, aping-api siya sa bawat pagkakataon na tinutuligsa ang gusto niya. di niya nakikita na iniintindi nga siya ng lahat.

para sa kanya, lagi na lang, it's either you're for or against me. di siya mapakali dun sa gray areas na puwede namang nagmamahalan o magkaibigan kahit na may pagkakaiba.

tapos sa sobra niyang lugmok dun sa pagiging feeling api niya, super identify na siya sa drama niya. di niya na maiahon ang sarili niya sa drama. at kahit ano pang gawin ng kahit sino, di siya matutuwa kasi hahanapan niya yon ng dahilan.

kelan niya marerealize na, life is what you make of it? siya din may gawa ng lahat ng "heartache" niya.

ang funny nga kasi lahat ng accusations niya dun sa nagnominate sa kanya (such as, kanila na lang ang bahay na to, pera lang ang gusto nila) are really about her. these are her own thoughts/ motives/ conflicts.

tapos, ang ingay niya pa. di siya natapos sa kakangawa at kakadabog at eksena. pero ayaw niya naman makipag-usap ng derechahan. gusto niya lang makipag-usap when it goes her way exactly.

eh siyempre, di naman puwede yon, at marami pang ibang tao sa world at kailangan mo rin sila bigyan ng kanilang right to exist, and to feel what they feel, and to express it how they want to.

it's not like they don't try. it's just that you're not listening.

hehe!

sabi kasi ng friend ko, alam daw ni wendy ang ginagawa niya kaya wag daw ako maawa.

trip 14

it's those first few minutes of creeping into the city in the chilly early morning dark and being awed by the myriad lights strung out in-between mountains. that's what gets me every time.

then my trip to Baguio would have been made. na.

now that's my brave girl

oh my goddess, this is going to be a tough one. a biggie.
(but not really tough-like-that since everything that just flows, is not as tough-as- all-that, but simply, life happening. and thus, one can trust one's self to it.)

my sister spent a lot of her growing years in the UK,or rather, most of it, and more than once or twice, in our numerous and frequent all-together-now family trips and encounters, i would harbor the random-enough thought that it would be really good if she would be able to spend some time in the Philippines in order to know to know and embrace the Filipino side of her. (even though, it is also quite true that any child with a Filipino mother would probably still grow up quite Filipino in more ways than you might think, without even having to set foot on Philippine soil.)

the above were random-enough thoughts on regular-enough vacations because there was never any talk of such a plan, nor was i in any position to set such a plan into motion.

so never did i think that someday such a thought would become a reality. nor did i have any inkling of how large a role i would play in such a scheme :).

and the beauty of it was when it did happen, it was really largely sister's idea and initiative.

(part 1 of many parts or no more :) )

lagaw irresistible lagaw

Yes, here i am again enmeshed in the innumerable arrangements and online research for the housemates' weekend away. i laaaab it. i am getting addicted to travel. have been many places this summer. most fun. you know, just to be up and about. i laaaab being on a road trip. (thank you mami for making it possible for your two daughters to super traipse these islands). i also laaaab looking into the possibilities and making them come true (regardless of whether they come true or not). you know, i just want to make lagaw. Pasyal, in Tagalig. Where I haven't been before. Or where I liked it before :), and wanna show and share.

In the meantime, I am incredibly disorganized about everything else. My ironed clothes are piled high, my papers need sorting, my inbox is bursting, my pictures beg posting, and emails need replies.

But time enough, soon enough :)

My thesis, too, will need ruminating and meditating.

Seeing as I passed the Comps ;) wehehehe.

100 seconds with exes

so, forgive me my cheap thrills. i have momentarily "rested" my photo-blogpost-in-the-making as i need more time to upload the pics. but i couldn't resist imagining what to say to exes, as inspired by the latest episode of older brother primetime. ;)

here's what am gonna say:

#1: you pervert *plak!*

#2: you're a loser and i have nothing to say to you.

#3: whatever. stop bothering me. get a life.

#4: it is never acceptable not to keep in touch, no ifs, no buts.

tsk tsk. what a life. what love. hahahaha.

this is how my lola loves me

i didn't get to sleep over at my lola's/aunt's because i was at the 7th young men's camp, but i spent most of one day there shortly before we left for cebu, hanging out with my ever-loving lola, and being badgered to eat at the "proper time". (unfortunately, there's no such thing as a proper time when you've only slept an hour in the night, for being scared by ghost stories and having the light switch turn off suddenly while perched on a high hill! us "ghosters" snuggled 11 in all in a cottage meant for four. hehe.)

lola held out the jar of petroleum jelly and said that it's mighty good for bites and burns. and i, victim of a stone-massage burn at Sanctuario Spa in Malate, said, "oh pity i didn't know that. my burn has finally healed after two months."

so my ever-reasonable lola said in cebuano, "let's burn you then. with a match stick." wahahahaha. the better to try petroleum jelly efficacy. :P

* * *

so i learned that my lola gave birth to her first child when she was 20 (sister's age) and her last child when she was 37. so there's still some time if i get brave enough. but i wonder how, with these following words of wisdom about childbirth?

lola: oh, if there was no God, you would really die!

WAAAAAAAAAH. Apparently an activity requiring Divine participation.

this is how my sister loves me

i had my eyes closed in the darkened plane, talking with angels for a smooth and safe landing, and working forward in my mind to the next few days. suddenly there were grinding sounds and new movements that so surprised me, i clutched at sis. and she, seeing my fright and empathizing with it, said, "oh" and put her arms around me to comfort me.

i laughed, explaining that i thought we were still suspended in the air, circling over metro manila. and she said, "oh, poor you. i was wondering why you weren't happy we had landed."

a 747 lands differently from a smaller plane. no single thud but a lot of sounds. oh, poor me.

i had tears in my eyes from the ready and genuine sympathy of sister