as if ;))

as if i knew anything.

I DON'T.

hehehehe.

am just trying to pull answers from the air, maybe like this, maybe like that, and also (i promise you), maybe the way it is already :)

or all of the above.

i guess this is when we have to be creative. this is like making movies. that's not such a good angle, sweetie, can we shift a little more... maybe like this, maybe like that.

MAYBE.

(videoke cue: Maybe, there'll be no falling stars this time around, I still believe that ... Maybe... hehehehe)

after all, we already have an all-star cast. :P

kung anu-ano lang

literally. be warned.

Dr. Pansy
a few days ago, i had two long and engaging separate conversations with two friends about FLU. YES, the dreaded, never-again-please, not-until-i-can-forget-how-weak-and-useless-and-lupaypay-you-can-get f*** flu. :D

yes, it was the flu that i had. i'm also inordinately happy to have diagnosed myself correctly in the end. i know it started as a sore throat and the usual, but i guess the lowered resistance made me succumb to the terrible terrible flu.

it was fun discussing all the symptoms and agonies with the two. shared misery is indeed ... a joy. hehehe.

Pansy Cleaner
today i am staying home to work ( ;)) ) and so because i am home working, i also cannot help but get absored with some household tasks. for instance, cleaning the ref. yes, so far i have cleared the ref of two leftovers, some nice ulam from a few days ago (lunch), and the remnants of the offending strawberry-choco (that led to the flu) -- dessert! hehehe. don't you like cleaning the ref this way?

Weathergirl Pansy
i think nagtatampo sakin ang weather (sobrang superstar complex ko).

it's been raining so consistently every day starting from about 5 to 6 to 8-9 in the evening that i've taken it to be some sort of weather rule for june, and have been announcing it as such.

well it just rained, and it's only two pm.

hmmmp!

true love

you know the drill, you noypi you. you weren't really planning to stay up half the night. but then they brought you the videoke machine. still, you weren't really planning on staying the whole entire time. BUT they brought out the karaoke machine. ... and YOU, yes you noypi you, you CAN'T resist the songs. it's not genetically possible. no matter if you weren't the one holding the mic, no matter if you almost never held the mic or chose a song. still the songs kept coming and you were stuck in that room, standing or sitting, it doesn't matter, but singing.

yes, singing, under your breath or with ten others singing screaming. even if the lyrics went against all reason (from here to eternity???!!!!???!), still the songs kept coming and you were singing, and soon, it was three am.

hehe.

i really only take the videoke plunge with people i truly love, either because i know they will accept me no matter if i shame them with my singing, or i love them no matter what they will think of me! (amounts to love in either direction). hehe, such a big deal but i can't sing to save my life, unless, i really have to. i guess.

now it's time for bed as it'll be time to swim in a few hours, and I CAN'T WAIT TO SWIM. my body craves the water (i can swim to save my life if there are no waves, hehehe).

happy birthday chester. i love you. ;)

Flowers for you, on this lovely evening
Though they have no words they share my feelings
As we walk along the avenue
Pardon me, I just can't help staring at you

synchronicity saturday

i have a lot to say, i have nothing to say. both me. :D

***

let's try the first option:

i went to school to get my i.d. it's not my prettiest :D but it'll do.

i went to the library to check out books on synchronicity, among other things (have a class report on synchronicity). got hold of one by carl jung, and synchronicity: the inner path to leadership by joseph jaworski. i sat down and flipped thru the second one to see if it was worth borrowing. and i didn't get up for two hours. i was hooked!

it reads like an autobio but is really not just an autobio. (the best way to illustrate/ explain your points is really to tell the story of your life, i think. it's from the heart that way.)

anyway, this guy who was like your typical driven successful busy person, was sat down by his wife one day. she said she had met somebody else and was leaving him. needless to say, he was surprised and devastated. he hadn't seen it coming. he was one of those persons who was always so focused on doing what he was doing to the exclusion of all else. so i guess one of the things that suffered as a result was his marriage.

the "tragic" thing that happened made him rethink and reflect on his life and his person, and his being. he started reading and writing and reflecting, and as a result became more open. he realized the more powerful way to live was not to control life, but to flow with it. to be "open" and "alert" and "conscious" so that things could happen.

for instance. he went on a six-week holiday to europe by himself. he learned a lot and all that, and he said that he didn't always want to be alone. and he noticed that the universe provided him with the company that he needed. when he went to dinner in a restaurant in cannes, a woman passed by his table. their eyes met and they smiled at each other.

after a few minutes, the woman, noticeably a bit chagrined by what she was doing but nevertheless determined to follow her instinct, came back and asked if she could have dinner with him, and she would pay for her share, etc. so he asked her to sit down with him, they talked and learned about each other and spent a day or two in each other's company.

and then... (pp. 48-49, section on the art of loving)

The day Bernadette was to fly to Paris, she came to my hotel room. It was a Sunday morning, and I was sitting on the veranda, soaking up the sun and watching a regatta out in the bay ... I was listening to beautiful music and was very content and happy, alone with my thoughts and memories, restful and peaceful. Bernadette came to my door. She said she had to see me one more time to tell me what the last few days had meant to her. She said I had deeply touched her life ... In ten minutes she was gone...

As I sat in my room, tears were running down my cheeks. It was not out of sadness that I wept, but because of the realization that I had had a profound effect on someone else's life. That was the first experience of its kind for me. And I knew why I had been able to help her -- it was because her well-being was a matter of my ultimate concern. I had given to Bernadette my interest, my understanding, my knowledge, and all that was alive in me. I had given my life to her for a few days and apparently had enriched her life, while at the same time, enhancing my own. ...

...the lesson that I learned from this encounter was life changing. ... when we are in this state of being where we are open to life and all its possibilities, willing to take the next step as it is presented to us, then we meet the most remarkable people who are important contributors to life. This occurs in part through the meeting of our eyes; it's as if our souls instantly connect, so that we become part of a life together at that moment. This is not at all about sexuality, not about maleness and femaleness. It's about human beings connecting. At once there is an instant trust and intimacy -- we belong with the other for a moment.

***

oooh, how beautiful. :) and this book is not at all about bernadette. and he was just starting. it's really about when people suddenly work together, as one, as if in a different state, things just gel. but am still reading it, so that's all you get, and you can go and find and buy the book if you want ;)

i guess synchronicity can happen when we all learn to be open, to be alert, to be in the now, and we recognize deep in our souls that we are all related, we are one, all parts of the same whole entire beautiful universe. ;)


***

george bush and you and i. gma and you and i. euuuuuurgh. hahahaha.

but you know what i mean, if you know what i mean :D

and besides, one of j. jaworski's main points was that leaders have to have self-knowledge, they must have an inner life, and a reflective journey. hehehe.

***

then i left the library and went to the bank, and had hot sour sinigang (yum) lunch with the synchronicity book. then i went to a bookstore so i could be standing up after lunch, then i walked a long way to claim something at the photocopiers (hehehe, it was another book, silly), then i went to another bank, then i dropped by the grocery store.

then here i am with the wind blowing my hair, typing away on piolo (hahaha instant laftaf name) on my lap, and copying this book, like i'm not supposed to.

:P that was just three paragraphs silly, free advertisement and recommendation.

oh, and it's raining. i got home just in time to grab my pink shirts from under the drizzling sky.

more minutiae

ahhh, classical conditioning. after two readings, my eyes started to droop and i actually had to nap at the coffee shop where roommie and i met up to study. and it was barely midnight. hehehe! this was so much the stuff/ MO of my childhood, all that was missing was a pillow.

promise, Vaseline shampoo works for me. hair is shinier, more together, like magic.

ok, goodnight lurkers :P thanks for coming.

essay: becoming me

sigh. i am not sooo very interested in myself today. i would much rather maki-chismis in the lives of freud, jung, reich, etc. but i have to do both.

hehe. i just love to complain when my life is going great ;))

let me leave you with this though-provoking thought :P

are you one of us?
Freud viewed the genital character as the ideal type. Genital characters are people who are sexually mature and capable of orgasm. Libidinal energies are no longer dammed up since such people have located appropriate love objects. (Theories of Personality, Richard Ryckman, p.44)

SIGH. *roll eyes* Another romantic.

:D

tats

it was a good sign. that i am getting well.

i could sing along to the divas giving their all to the this-song's-dedicated-to-tatay portion in yesterday's noontime show. (the week before that i badly wanted to sing along but couldn't find the energy).

except that pretty soon, my throat had grown a boulder. nakakaiyak naman mag-emote emote no. kahit nakiki-sing along lang hehehe.

anyway, hope yesterday was good for all the tatay's of this world, who know parenting/ tataying ain't easy. especially the ones who know, tatay's have got what it takes to be ilaw of the tahanan also. what's needed is the willingness to practice.

hala, galingan niyo ha. eh nag-tatay kayo. matuto maging lampara. hehehe.

and of course to my tatay, who does his best ;)

Fragment (consider revising)

I don’t tell my stories when asked. My soul does not unfurl that way. Rather, asking will win you a smile or a sigh or silence. My words and my pictures follow their own rhythms. But thank you for asking (that is my most recent improvement that I am indeed grateful to be asked).

I try to ride my tides, calling when words pour forth, when my eyes twinkle, high. Or low, often brought at ebb before your door. Connect with me. I am sad. You don’t have to make me happy. I merely want to touch you or sit in the same room, breathing.

Or channel the airwaves, comb the clouds into some cumulus highway between us. Who cares if we’re saying nothing much at P6 a minute. The thing that matters to me is that you’re at the other end. “So what did you eat today?” Funny, that always makes us laugh. But really, I want to know. Not that it matters what you chewed today, my love. Just that I could ask.

I too try to ride your tides, knowing that high will get me nowhere with you if you are at an ebb. Then I am like a fly that you are fond of, one too many questions and you shut the screen door on me. Fly, cute you may be, but let me sleep.

When the calendar brings us together, then you tell me your stories, sometimes, unbidden, from memory, from whatever. Then I am glad.

my schoolgirl days

i even dress the part.

hehe.

been running around my corner of qc in jeans/skirts, tanktops, hoodies, sneakers and bookbag all week.

hoodie and socks because i've been quite sick. i've only been mustering up enough energy to drag myself to my most important errands and to school. bookbag because i still have work, because i've been sick, so i've been lugging some papers around.

i've even gotten whiffs of that classic student-feeling: oh no, class again today. LOL. don't get me wrong. I am SO GLAD to be going to school. but it's kinda strange to be going to classes four days a week. i definitely AM a school girl already.

i have even BEEN to the library. spent four hours there. got my housemate to give me the tour since i've never been to this school library. we went home with 7 books: boy, those books were HEAVY! that tired me out so much, i went right to sleep on the couch after coming in the door. hehe.

i have four different teachers. i have loads of classmates -- we have big graduate classes, from 17 to 20 people a class, that's a lot. am glad for the mix this semester though, have more people of more ages, from more fields.

there are soooo many pretty girls at school (including me hahahaha). hehe! if i were a guy, i'd be in love every day. hehehehe.

what else? i have to learn to commute to school some days. too many getting-off-and-ons though. that's my excuse this week.

the 12-unit load isn't a joke though. i already have loads to read, and i want to do advance reading because my head's first language still isn't psychology. (it's love. hehe! i mean women and development.)

for one class we need to get to know an "abnormal" person and write up his/her story. because teach wants us to learn understanding. guess who i thought of? hehe!

for another class, we are going to spend time at either the terminal ward of a children's hospital or with some seminarians in far-away tagaytay. but we're not supposed to seduce the seminarians. ok, ok, children's hospital it is! hehe.

wish me luck and a new pair of sneakers (the other one gave out on thursday ;)) ).

eavesdropped

1. It's only in relationship that you find out quite repeatedly that yes, you, too are an evil person. Eat dirt, so there.

2. Have you ever liked someone so much that you literally have days when you just want to follow them around? (I HAVE).

3. Have you ever missed someone you liked so much that when you couldn't get in touch with them your scowl made the kanto dog howl in hurt, and thunder crackled in the background? (I HAVE but the thing is I'm scared of thunder.)

4. Have you enough percentage brat and evil person that when sometimes you miss someone you like so much, you quarrel with them first chance that you get, without really meaning to, just because you missed them? (Ahh, now we're talking)

FINE! (not) FINE! (not) FINE! (not).

5. The thing is, when people are beginning to like each other, they ought to cancel some flowers and chocolates in favor of first aid kits and life preservers. Here goes, I have sharp edges and can poke you in the eye. Try to survive. In the end, I'll thank you for it.


CRASH! There went my self-erected halo again. Dang it.


PS Thanks to all the kind souls who have offered to take me to the doctor. I have been feeling ghastly, 'tis true.

lagnat ever

question from the audience: Si Ryan na ba ang right guy for you?

Juday: (smiles) It's too soon to tell. I hope so.

;))

p.s. partial kasi ako sa love stories na nangyayari dahil nagkasama ng matagal at nagkakilanlan. ;))

ZZZICK

Last week on a lazy sidetrip to 7-11, the Priestess made me buy this strawberry flavored choclit. Little cuties they were, and yummy too.

A few days ago, I fed some to boyfriend, and fed some to myself (hehe, he had the good sense to say no at some point). But I did drink water!

Still, the day after that.

There I went again. ZZZZOOORRE throat.

So the next day: runny nose.

And yesterday: runny nose and cough.

Today: I AM REALLY SICK. DANG! I woke up in a fever, with a dripping nose, and cough.

It's kinda fun just snoozin' here at home in front of the tv, a pile of books, the internet and anything I can pull out of the ref ;)) Hehe.

But I will have to run out to the grocery store when I pull the last piece of tissue from the packet.


P.S. Yes, I am taking medicine, liquids and vitamins. :)

but, seriously

i firmly believe i deserve another Boracay weekend.

hehehehe.

promise, universe.

tickle tickle (you thoughted)

Image108.jpg
Originally uploaded by Pansy.

Meet Duma. Duman. You thoughted. ;) :P

Bless.

Duman on fuschia sheets, 3 hours old.

soulfully

soulfully yours

my super mode/mood/mod/moon of the moment.

i am soulfully yours/mine.

soul-sister 1 keeps calling me "mahal". i love it :D

on a rainy evening

There are times when I like being needed. Times too when I wish some people didn’t need me in the exact time and way they needed me. But I guess, in the balance sheet of life, I would rather be someone people need (every now and then? :) and not in a continuous stream? except by babies, maybe?). As if life worked like a balance sheet. But love also means going out of our way for those in need.

(And I thank all of you who have gone out of your way for a me in need, even when it was so clearly a bother :D or against your will, or against the normal nature of your personality hehehe.)

Sometimes I am lonely, and think that people, sometimes, get lonely (if not most of the time.) They want someone to talk to. When I am lonely, I resolve to be the someone that people can talk to when they are lonely :). (Hey you, you can talk to me when you are lonely.)

It’s taken me all week to find my stillness :). And still, I can’t sit with it for too long a spell. I seek/ sought company. I found some company.

Nor did I really escape it. Other things got in the way. Like the urgency of having my aches and pains kneaded out. Like going with an old movie-mate to the current movie craze (so-so), or choosing top colors with roommate, or enjoying a drink or two with work friends, that which we could not do for the longest time, so busy were we!

Other things that you stand still for: a regular guaranteed fun date with a gf at a cute movie (A Lot Like Love is good! ;), dinner with those people who understand what makes your heart beat, and wish you all that in spades.

And then love. Love sits across me in an easy chair, looking at me amusedly, affectionately. I know, love, that lately, I have learned quite a lot. :)

Visayas days and nights

Inspired by the Priestess’ bits of Bacolod, here are some of the snapshots in my mind of my last two weeks :)

Sitting beside Priestess, hot tired and hungry – cranky -- in a church in a sleepy Capiz town for a cousin’s wedding, watching this “butler woman” ordering the entourage about, admiring the way my other cousin’s tangerine ensemble floated on top, and wrapped sexily round her legs.

The huge shower that jettisoned water onto one’s tired and battered body in the spanking new house we borrowed in Capiz for the occasion, almost bare of any furniture but complete with all the soaps and shampoos one could ever desire in a grand bathroom irresistible to a Capricorn heart.

Taking off for Dumaguete mostly by myself, starting out from our house at the outskirts of the city at half past nine in the am, enjoying our tall perch at Supercat, saying goodbye to the Priestess and her very entertaining nephew at the Bacolod Ceres terminal – the South terminal mind you – enjoying a long bus ride south, arriving at Dumaguete at sunset, catching a glimpse of ahem in his curly glory (lol), catching the forest-bound jeep, and basking in the warm welcome of girlfriends at the Forest Camp, in the early evening in our cozy bahay kubo complete with tuko. Hehe.

Early mornings, breakfast coffees with girlfriends at the Summer Camp for Young Men in beautiful surroundings, river, rock, trees and grass. Sans regular cellphone signal though and convenient transport to the city.

Heartstoppingly cold spring pools, refreshing tingling addictive.

Sleeping with HB :): making siksik ourselves and two cots in the small space (bale a cot and a half space) between two bamboo beds in our nipa hut room. Love makes lack of space possible.

Midmorning sunshine, me talking on the wonders of mutuality in relationships and sexuality, on the importance of communication, and nurturing, and expressing feelings, and of evolving into complete persons, with partners who will hold up half the sky, with 8 young men. Talking sex with 8 interested looking young men. Lol. It is worth every minute every second if they all grow up and make women happy :), if they all grow up and become happy in themselves in their persons, without abusing anyone, and being sensitive of the power relations that exist in our society.

More joyrides: at the back of a minicab, at the back of a weapons carrier with a full moon gleaming down on the serene Dumaguete waters.

More good food: in partnership with HB, we sought out our favorite vinegar-related ulams – seaweed salads and grilled fish, there’s this particular fish that’s all over the Boulevard in Dumaguete that tastes so good. Then dessert and coffee with the goddesses at Mamia’s – mango crepes and cheesecake and coffee and… Indian mangoes. Hehehe.

Forty young men getting emotional, and supportive, and being loving to a prostitution survivor, and the survivor enjoying the love and support and respect of these young men who will surely make the world a better place for her and her children and other women.

(Remember: if there were no demand, there would be no supply. The Summer Camp for Young Men aims at changing the attitudes and practices of young men on prostitution.)

And then Apo Island :). I am always happiest in sea, and sand, and sun, with friends. Snorkelling holding hands with HB while following Randy, the kindest cutest boat captain that side of the Philippines. (We have his number if you want his help at Apo!).

And then the loveliest room at Bethel fronting the Dumaguete sea. Slept beside HB no matter if there were two beds! Hehe.

Chatting with ahem and HB late into the night at Bethel :)

Early am tricycle rides with HB to the airport, breakfast under the sun. Hehehe.

Other snapshots, I’ll keep to myself :P

In the heat of the summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you
And nobody needs to know
-The Corrs, summer sunshine