how i spent christmas eve

blue jeans, fuschia Chucks, and fiolo laftaf ;D

Here

hey! :)

merry christmas! here i am at home, spending it alone :) but the thing is, that's so strictly not true at all.

i don't feel alone. i feel loved, and blessed, and tearfully grateful for many many many things. i am weepy at the thought that there are so many people in the world that i can text, right after i thought for a few harrowing minutes that i was gonna be a goner.

i told bobby today that i already said i love you, mentally to everyone i love. he said, baka sa akin mangyari yan kaya ngayon pa lang sinasabi ko na, viola, i love you. hehe.

this morning, at breakfast, buddha and i listed all the life-threatening situations we've been through. the only criteria is that you thought during or after that you could have been a goner. i thought of three times. first was when chung and i almost shot off the santolan flyover due to a driver's wandering eye (i always feel a little bit queasy going over that same patch of road each time), then when dd and i experienced a minor earth tremor inside the moviehouse at the mall and it took forever to get out.

The last time was yesterday when our plane was hovering over cdo, waiting for a break in the clouds, and it tried to land, twice. the second time, going down, we really felt the moment when the pilot decided/ realized we weren't going to land, and the engines revved again and the plane's nose went up, and up we went. but with all that fog and clouds, you couldn't be sure where up was, a mountain or what (the uncontrollable need for control, to see). it didn't help of course that being a slightly phobic flyer, i know all about air crashes. (i also learned much later from co-passengers that when we went thru the clouds, we were too near the houses, and that's when the plane went up again). i concentrated on praying long and hard, and forever. thought of asking the silent man beside me if i could hold on to his shoulder but he seemed scared too and i didn't think it would be fair to ask him to carry some of my anxiety. in the end it helped that the woman one row behind across the aisle, said aloud, ay salamat when the pilot announced we were going to land in cebu instead. we smiled at each other. yes, let's not try anymore. let's land in cebu. trying again would suck.

so i am happy to be back on the ground, in a much quieter and much colder qc. after the weeks of shopping, and the week of merry-making, and yesterday's trauma, i am grateful to be resting in my own house (had a massage :))), and own bed, crossing paths again and sharing a japanese dinner (food fest!) with volunteer house-sitter buddha. i am pleased to add a new concept of Christmas Eve to my cognitive storehouse: this is only my fourth or fifth (basta less than ten) time to be away from the family reunion in Mindanao in my 33 years of life, would you believe? i am deeply touched that maya said to just come over if i get lonely, and she'd drive me home when i wanted to. oh thanks hb :), i love you. thanks for taking me to dinner last night after i got home from flying all the way from luzon thru the visayas to mindanao, back to the visayas and back to luzon all in six hours. with less than two hours sleep and hardly any food.

fortunately for me, while i was assessing my life in the air, i thought that i really had no loose ends because everyone i love knows that :). and the last person i talked to was dd who rode to the airport with me, thereby upholding perhaps the one personal Christmas tradition I/ we have. We always -- in the last three years, anyway-- go home together.(other Christmas traditions i adhere to existed before i did). in fact, some moments up there, i had to give up worrying because worrying is actually not a choice. i mean it does you no good. i just thought am starting some things that could be good. and i'd really hate for my parents to be sad.

in cebu, i asked people to pray for good weather and safe flight to anywhere, and when my pastor-to-be uncle who had driven all the way to the airport to pick me up, said, "done", that's when i really wanted to start bawling from the shock.

so yes i am spending christmas alone, and happily. today and tonight, i really need the space and the time and the quiet, to be. to be grateful. to celebrate truly. there has probably never even been a christmas before this when i truly felt that where i am is where i should be/ want to be, and where i am is really where i am. i am here.

and it's Christmas.

:)

and tomorrow i fly again :)

and the strange thing is, a few weeks ago, this is exactly how I thought I should/ want to be spending Christmas. Here and in Iloilo till a part of the 26th. God-willing that is, my lola is sure to say. though i tried otherwise.

Happy birthday, big J, and love to the angels who fly with me.

oh, but i love you :)

oh, but i love you :)
even if we can't be together in peace.
i love you like a cold december day.
still, clear, and startling.

tonight, this and that

i want to attend Simbang Gabi at the Gesu, before i go and come back, next year :)

i have a crush on a blogger. a girl. a friend of the one i love :)

i want to go to the Library and come out loaded down with books, before i go and come back, next year :)

i wish me peace :) i wish love for the one i love :) and i wish Friends episodes for Maningning every time the tv comes on ;))

i can feel who i want/ can be. :) none of the bitter crap. more of the joy and the peace and the silence :)

ooooh, i can't wait to be me.

a secret

i have a secret :) i am excited.

i can't wait to be over my problems :)

i have become tired of my problems, and i just can't wait. :)

you and me both, babes

a young girlfriend, 21 to my 33, messaged me the other day. she misses the guy she has set her heart on, and is at a loss as to what to do. she asked, "bakit ganun ate v? bakit takot ang mga lalaki sa atin?"

i gave her lame replies. said we should drink. said too we need to pray over them men. but what, really, could i say? you and me both, babe.

one of you might say (as i have done to other females, many times), that women also need to get their hearts broken, in order to learn to stand on their own two feet. take charge of their own lives. not make their lovelifes their entire happiness. i believe in this because this happened to me.

or how about, being out of a romantic relationship means it's time to appreciate the other things in your life. value and cherish your friendships. spend time with your family. outshine yourself at work. take time for yourself. splurge, enjoy yourself.

or learn to appreciate yourself outside the context of your relationship with others. find happiness within you. you are your center.

or even learn from the heartbreak. accept the pain, soon it will flow thru you and away.

but what if the women we're talking about, are in charge of their lives? what if they too are in love with themselves? :) what if they are developing their talents and potentials, appreciate and value their non-romantic intimate relationships with others? what if they have an inner spirituality that shines thru?

that is why they know they would like to be in an intimate romantic relationship, with another. just because?

and so? and yet the men they meet, have gotten to know, love, want to be with, are scared. they still have their paths to take, have much to learn. they didn't grow up learning to be connecting with others, or valuing those connections. some of them get an idea what it would be like, that it could be good. some never do, growing up half-blind.

what to do then? you and me both babe.

we have to teach the little boys that love is good. for our daughters' daughters.

*******************

in the meantime, another young friend, male, 25 to my 33, wails in the middle of a cold December night, i want to die. i don't want to wake up tomorrow.

psssht, i scold, your life is precious.

eat ice cream, i advise. give the universe another chance to show you love.

i don't know, he grumbles some more.

what? you giving in to pain? i retort and roll my eyes. he says, yes, yes, nobody loves me anyway.

i say, many more wonderful women exist. you will survive this.

i say to myself, you have to survive this. men who value connection are precious and few. and while there are those like you that exist, there's hope.

was that chocolate ice cream you wanted? i wave the spoon in front of his head.

juday

don't give up on us, the new movie starring piolo pascual and judy ann santos, is opening on january 8, 2006.

LOL.

p.s. wait, wait, why is a movie opening on a Sunday????

slow burn ;)

christmas countdown:

thursday -- took out the christmas tree and set it on side table; assembled the cutie christmas tree music box (thanks mum!)

friday -- wrapped first christmas gift for 2005 and gave it to g.

saturday -- wrapped four gifts; wrote two cards

20 random thangs

tagged by chester ;)

1. my peeing is scandalously loud, especially in a toilet where you can hear a pin drop.

2. some of the things that soothe me: a) searching for psychological literature online for my papers (it REALLY soothes me! eeek geek) b) but then lots of kabutingtingan soothe me :), c) also, the corrs soothe me

3. i really really really want love. the myth. maybe. lol.

4. i am undoubtedly a shoeholic. especially when sad. you might want to know how many new pairs i acquired from oct-nov-dec. but i might not tell :P

5. i love love love the people i love ;). but i have a bitchy streak. few things escape my notice. but that's ok, i might not point it out, and besides, this includes taking note of myself too :D

6. i need my sleep. period :D. when i want to sleep, nothing can move me, not even the threat of losing my job. i'll sleep on it first, and problematize later. hehehe.

7. it's embarassing how shy i still am :D even when i've learned to be self-assertive. wahahahaha.

8. my mother is the person who loves me most and loves me best :) (huhuhu)

9. i miss (insert certain activity here ;) you know mwehehehe ;)

10. i think my biggest weakness is that i think i'm better than many people :). a little more humility and openness wouldn't hurt!

11. i still have sooooooo much to learn.

12. i think that left to my own devices, i could really learn to cook well :P

13. i am scared that all my past wishes will come true, long after they were made, and just when they are no longer relevant!

14. i want to write a psych book, write a psych column, do psych research, do psych therapy :)

15. i grew up thinking i am ms. universe :P

16. i currently love yellow and green (shades of bryan); i used to love pink and orange (shades of me and that other capricorn). also i think i am on the brink of rediscovering purple.

17. i have a whole other 20 random stuff list that are in my notebook

18. i love to eat :D. yesterday i had this thing for garlic and cheese pizza. yum yum.

19. this is my year for finally learning to finish papers i need to write, and books i'm reading. now i have to work on the "on time" part :D

20. i plan to get a Phd, so help me Goddess. and marry a man who wants to love --as in verb, and as in commitment -- me... so help him Goddess :D

it's either

am busy and stressed about it.

or i'm just sad. with free time.

new stories

What stories are you tired of telling, Andrea asks.

Even to yourself, what stories are tired and trite, and makes even your fixated self want to move on and create new thoughts, new stories, a new life. A new joy.

I am tired of the story that nobody I want wants me.

oversleeping

Ay!

s: Mig, na-miss na kita
s: lagaw ta bala
s: gusto mo magpa makati buwas?
themundaneandthedivine: hehehehe
themundaneandthedivine: may exam ko buwas
themundaneandthedivine: ngaa sa makati haw? may ano to?
s: ngek! hagaron ko tani ikaw maupod sa anti-gats rally bwas sa makati...heheheh
themundaneandthedivine: hihihihi


at heto pang sa'yo, vv. Whoppow!

Disagreements
Valid during several weeks: Normally this influence is quite favorable for all forms of communication, for getting around and getting in touch with people. Your mind moves quite quickly and cannot stand being idle. This influence makes you eager to exchange ideas with others, and you may feel like sitting and chatting with someone all day, if he or she is interesting enough. But the drive of this energy is such that you may waste a good deal of time chattering to yourself and not really accomplishing much of anything. While it is quite easy to express yourself under this influence, do not expect everyone to agree with you necessarily, especially if you talk so much that others feel they will never get a chance to say anything. They may disagree with you just to make you pause and listen to them.


The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mercury Square Ascendant
activity period from end of October 2005 until 15 December 2005.

sheep

my halfhearted super-guilty sticker effort

themundaneandthedivine: yup. ingat. catch you maybe before christmas?
themundaneandthedivine: or after the new year
Codykins: shift ko mamayang 2am pa pero i'm thinking of sleeping sa office na lang and waking up at 1:30am
Codykins: YEZ
Codykins: before x'mas
Codykins: let's have hot choco
themundaneandthedivine: sige ba
Codykins: hot choco and lots of chika
themundaneandthedivine: mag starbucks tayo para magka sticker naman ang aking planner card
Codykins: i already have 2
Codykins: hahahaha
themundaneandthedivine: 2 stickers? me 4 hehehehe
Codykins: me and my neoliberal (evil) self
Codykins: charity
Codykins: naku, parang di ka galing sa (insert name of NGO here)
Codykins: how come u already have 4?
Codykins: teeheeeheee
Codykins: joke lang
themundaneandthedivine: wag ka B... S only needs 7 na lang!!!!!!
Codykins: LOL
themundaneandthedivine: and so does B!
Codykins: OMG!
themundaneandthedivine: their excuse is they have meetings at starbucks
Codykins: what's happening to the world
Codykins: kaya talagang di mananalo ang revo e
Codykins: CHARITY!
Codykins: hmpf
themundaneandthedivine: hihihihi
Codykins: hehehe
Codykins: well, i really have to go
Codykins: i miss u
Codykins: ttyl
Codykins: mmwah
themundaneandthedivine: take care

fart

A critical eye
Valid during several weeks: During this time you are concerned with one area that others might consider rather abstract, and that is your identity. You tend to dwell on your sense of personal isolation, loneliness, difficulties in relationships and other depressing thoughts. Clearly you need a dose of positive thinking and cheering up. It is important to remember that your troubles are probably more apparent than real, no matter how real or significant they seem. Assuming that you can control your negative thinking, this influence does give you the advantage of a sharp, critical eye. You can see what is wrong with a situation immediately and make the necessary changes to correct it then and there. But don't dwell on the flaws, just note and correct them.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mercury Opposition Saturn exact at 07:19
activity period from end of October 2005 until 13 December 2005.

;)) my astrodienst forecast almost had me in tears again. fart, it is so true. but yes, it's supposed to end tomorrow! mwahahahaha! me and my tiny amusements. this, plus a resolve to wear yellow and lavender tomorrow. unless i change my mind ;)

whatever.

did I ..?

Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you?

statistics and updates

1. i only have 7 more people to go on the christmas list. i'm done with about 25. over the top i know hahahaha. i can't help it though. anyway, i slaved over the water project just for this specific pleasure :)

2. i worked yesterday for six-seven hours, and came up with five pages. lol. i have about three more to go.

3. it's official. on my third semester, i have a subject and a teacher i dislike :). can't all be good, can they? :D

4. looking at 3D dinosaurs is fun! i wish i were my inaanak :P (no, not you aemon :P)

5. i have a new "job." i have no idea what it pays but it's for two of my favorite teachers, and is parttime and work at home. i remember saying last sem, my next parttime activity should be in a research project with my teachers. how cool is that. thanks :D! i appreciate it.

6. these days i feel like i'm already on the last month of the semester. my week's all screwed up (no official weekend), and it's just one task after the other, often all at the same time.

7. i'm so glad nene won :D (if you don't know what i mean, it won't hurt you)

8. i need the snail mail addresses of the following: ate nina, tita eds... email me.

9. i was going to put up the Christmas tree today (it's about one and a half feet tall hahahaha, put down maybe) but alas it's on with the RRL, and three articles.

10. UNANG YANIG: our baby (my abandoned baby ;)) ) Welga ng Kababaihan marched last Thursday! and chester's voice was all over Plaza Miranda. hahaha, that was funny chester ;)

11. i am going on another date with myself on thursday :). i can't wait.

12. before that, i have countless errands, an exam, and psych tests to accomplish.

13. but hey, my groupmates and i created our own friendship scale. at least i get to do my personal research "agenda". and if the class is bleah, group work is finally fun.

14. i have to go now! :D hope your week is happy. hope HK isn't too cold for all those WTO activists out there ;) yes, make it as difficult as possible for all those profit-happy power players!

world peace

CONFLICT RESOLUTION
The most important marital interaction pattern considered by researchers in the past decade is the demand/withdraw pattern (Bradbury, Fincham, & Beach, 2000). Typically the wife demands change and emotional closeness and the husband avoids or disengages from this process. The husband’s level of withdrawal is positively related to the wife’s level of demand (Heavey, Christensen, & Malamuth, 1995; Klinetob & Smith, 1996). This pattern is negatively related to marital satisfaction at early, middle, and later stages of relationships (Belsky & Kelly, 1994; Carstensen, Gottman, & Levenson, 1995; Cohan & Bradbury, 1997; Gottman, Coan, Carrere, & Swanson, 1998), which eventually leads to failed marriages (Gottman, 1991; Pasch & Bradbury, 1998). In contrast, the attempt to resolve conflicts, including the seemingly negative argument between partners, contributes greatly to marital satisfaction (Gottman, 1994, 1991; Roberts, 2000). Partners display mutual positive engagement by doing the following: disclosing their feelings and positions; compromising and negotiating by seeking areas of agreement; integrating the other’s opinions; and expressing their caring and empathy during conflict resolution (see Christensen & Pasch, 1993, for a review). These behaviors promote mutual understanding, enable partners to develop and deepen their relationships, help maintain feelings toward partners, encourage couples to weigh and select a positive manner to convey messages, and encourage the other to remain engaged during conflict resolution (Fowers, 1998).

from The Association Between Adult Attachment Styles and Conflict Resolution in Romantic Relationships by Lin Shi in The American Journal of Family Therapy, 2003

stressed

that's me. i have too many things to do. eurgh.

ayon kay gingmaganda :D

but i think nahanap ko na yung true love. at hindi siya ganun ka-exciting at ka-swoony kagaya ng mga honeymoon stage ng relationships. true love is more solid, more stable. true love is always forgiving. true love never turns you away. true love is always there, like a comfortable wall na alam mong hindi ka ilelet down. (now my grammar has gone haywire). true love feels afraid but still pushes on. true love never says sorry. true love says i am just here for you no matter what. cool lang tayo, mahal kita.

BISITAHIN SI GING.

back to the books

A growing number of theorists have suggested that many men experience a psychic woundedness related to overly harsh disidentification, separation/ individuation issues (Bergman, 1995; Betcher & Pollack, 1995; Blazina, 1997; Chodorow, 1978; Pollack, 1998) and gender role socialization (O'Neil etal., 1986; Pleck, 1981). It comes in part from the traditional message that boys' separation/individuation process is synonymous with and implies disavowing needing others. These boys feel the strain of gender role conflict even at this young age when they are mandated to renounce yearnings for unmet emotional needs and instead portray themselves as solely self-reliant. From this, psychic wounds arise in part from the empathic failures of caregivers regarding gender identity issues, ranging from mild misunderstandings to harsh punishment and rejection for dependent "nonmasculine" behaviors. We believe the gender role conflicted male is fueled by, yet vigorously defended against, the resulting fragility he feels. The psyche's response to this dilemma of needing others versus being solely self-sufficient is to fragment in order to accommodate both disparate perspectives. This leaves the self weakened and in need of defensive bolstering.

from the journal article Separation/Individuation, Parental Attachment, and Male Gender Role Conflict: Attitudes Toward the Feminine and the Fragile Masculine Self
by Blazina, and Watkins, Jr., p. 163 in the Psychology of Men & Masculinity
2000, Vol. I, No. 2.

p.s. kawawa naman little boys! can you imagine being forced to be "stoic" and non-emotional because men are supposed to be "strong" that way?! sheesh kebab.

trivia question

Q: when do YOU think I will ever finish sorting and putting away my stuff in my house? (does not include fixing the house, just my stuff in my house ;))

A: NEVER ;))

buang

i've had this running streak where i become a bit hysterical every two weeks so. that's the number of days i can go around roaming on my leash, peacefully enough some days, before my inner boss jerks me back, growling, fangs bared.

RRRR-ARRFFF!

***

in hiding

this am i was woken up by a man on a ladder on the lamppost having a very loud conversation with the guy in front of my gate -- both from the cable company. i asked, what do you want? they said, we're from the cable company. i asked again, what do you want? they didn't say so i drew back the curtains and went back to bed.

they were having some kind of line and signal check, and from their conversation, i gathered they wanted to check the signal we were getting on our tv, and began knocking on my gate again.

they wanted the moon. they wanted me to wake up fully, get dressed properly, brush my teeth, get downstairs, let them in for five minutes? oh c'mon, they can survive without me and my tv.

so they knocked and knocked and had this discussion that yes, there was someone inside, she had appeared in the window. but no, there was no budging me.

***

in my secret life (codename: rafaella. hahaha, joke!), i would be spending christmas somewhere i don't usually spend it, get married in april, and watch a lot of great movies in dark theaters. hehehehe.

can't decide about the capitals

hello, love,

have you ever read carol shields? she's beautiful. in her novel Unless:

It is not true that people in long marriages dissolve into each other, becoming one being. I touch Tom's elbow, the sleeve of his tan jacket; he places his long arms around me and his hands cup my breasts in the friendliest possible way. We are two people in a snapshot, but with a little cropping we could each exist on our own. But that's not what we want. Hold the frame still, contain us, the two of us together, that's what we ask for. This is all it takes to keep the world from exploding.

the above is a bad excerpt for Unless which is really about the character Reta Winter's (Summer is her single name) grief over her daughter's grief at discovering that the world limits her merely to goodness, and not greatness.

a quiet novel. (thanks mom)

***

roommie and I are planning a trip to England.

England for me has often been a place of comfort. I schedule it at the end of heartbreak, or to experience deadly diseases like chicken pox. (I apologize once again to the two Dutch souls I sat next to on the plane; I was unaware I had chicken pox). And while I have sat on trains, going home to the northwest part, quiet for a few days or a few hours and deeply disappointed, I have not had my heart broken in England. Also while I have sat in darkened rooms at dawn lonely and cold and chatting with friends far away, Cadbury always managed to revive me.

and mom.

hehe :)

happy meal(s)

i tried to skirt around it
ignored it for days
skipped away

didn't want to think
too much about it

but it hasn't gone away
i can't help it

i feel rejected
and i want to be alone

so i can face it
eat it, and
swallow.

***

on the other hand,
i know what i want
and i want what i know

i have had sinigang
five times in seven days
but not in a row ;)

shoe drive

the right to information :P :D

1. HB - 5
2. dd - 5.5
3. tita eds - 5.5
4. vv - 6
5. rudie - 6 to 6.5
6. ate jo - 6.5
7. sabs - 6.5 to 7
8. yenina - 7
9. roommie - 8
10. j witch - 8
11. magya - 8.5 to 9

shoe driver

"i don't believe in spotless sneakers, i don't believe in spotless sneakers," i murmured in my head as i "toothbrushed" my brown sneakers.

am all sho(e)ok up

today's my weekend and i can be shallow

as a shtoedent on the run and on the walk, the easiest way to go is sneakered or slippered :P bounce is my motto as it's a long way thru those wooded paths out the gate over the pedestrian pass and to my ride home.

add the school books and occasional fiolo factor, and there's no way to survive on those pretty lil high heels. believe me, i've looked enviously at some classmates' jeans-and-heels getup but i don't want to be crippled.

at least it doesn't rain as much these days.

so i've put together my shtoedent shoes on what i call the funky shelf :D. i try to make up for the comfort with amazing colors hehehe.

to the right of funky is classic. i am in crush with pumps and i recognize that these are the best months for wearing closed shoes so i've also put those together for easier access, and as a reminder to wear when possible.

below classic are the high heels. sorry dudettes but there's hope with christmas get-togethers.

to the right of classic are the rain shoes -- or footwear to stay high and dry when it's pouring. below those are other chinelases and step-ins, awaiting summer.

darling meryl

when the lights came on, he asked me why so I seemed very into the movie. without answering, i asked, so what happened, did they end up together? seems not, we both shrugged.

the man in his fifties further along our row sang softly to the closing credits music: I sincerely want to say/ I wish you bluebirds in the spring/
To give your heart a song to sing/ And then a kiss, but more than this/
I wish you love/

we stood up at last, lingering the way a good movie bids you do. i said, let's grab a bite. he said, ok.

i simply remember

Brown paper packages
Tied up with string

[Wild geese that fly with
The moon on their wings]

These are a few of
My favorite things