"i" upcoming

lately i've been asked to take part in something inspiring. rather, a publication that will focus on inspiring stories, for a world that lacks ... well, inspiration ;)

rather, the people behind the project wish to create a venue, a pole, a deep well? of stories inspiring that they see to be lacking, and that people need.

i have had my doubts because one, i feel it creates a false dichotomy between what's inspiring and what's not. that some things are inspiring, and others are not. but isn't it that all experiences just are, and what is inspiring is what appeals or what moves us depending on what we need to find appealing or moving at particular points of being ourselves?

also, it perpetuates the yearning for perpetual happiness, and the ever-present fear of sadness. as if life were possible being lived only on the side of happiness. but isn't it that happiness and sadness just are, and what we need is to recognize the joy and sorrow within ourselves, to experience these and let them go. they will flow like the tides regardless of who we are, what we have, and what we are doing.

still, it is true that media today spreads much doom and gloom, possibly at the expense of inspiration. there are many inspiring stories that need to be told and shared, and chewed, and swallowed, and learned from.

for as long as we are able to avoid adding to the universal all-encompassing pressure that humans need to be, have to be, happy. otherwise, they're shit.

inspired, why not?

our 'i''s

the enneagram outlines people's ways of relating with the world. my way is to be contained within myself (this is who i am), and perhaps, to do things better than others (hahaha).

what i wanted to say was my way is not to entertain you, or to make you happy.

but what i really wanted to say was that no one's way is better than anyone else's. it's just that we are all different, and life would be boring without all kinds to populate the Milky Way (hello there angels and alien friends ;) ).

your only obligation to the world is to be the best you ;) balanced you.

i am writing this remembering people i am sometimes uncomfortable with because they seem to have an unsaid expectation of me to be more than i am. rather to be larger than my life. to be entertaining and alive. hehehe! i guess all that means is that they don't really know me yet because i may be sedate by all appearances, but certainly i occasionally seethe with passion. hahahaha!

i am also writing this remembering chester and myself just the other day. she needed to talk and vent (she as herself) while i needed to study and relax (me as myself). so i listened. then after some time, i realized she was being herself, and would be herself. i owed it to myself to be myself too, or else it would not be fair. so having listened, i then gently steered us into the street, and into the cab ;)). after all, only i can stick up for what i know i need. chester was only sticking up for what she knew she needed. and love makes it all alright ;))

warble warble warble

You say you're not sure about love
If this thing we got together is real
But I say what are you afraid of?
You're a woman now and you know how to feel
Look to your heart
And the answer will be
Such a very simple thing

But if the love fits wear it, baby
And if it feels good, put it on
And if it's not that then just maybe
You'd be better off to leave it alone

But if the love fits wear it baby
And if it feels good, put it on
And if it looks like then just maybe
This love we have is where you belong
(This love we have is where you belong)

Baby you've got nothin' to lose
You can try it on and see if it suits you
And maybe, if it's not right for you
You can turn and walk away if you choose to
I want you to stay
'Cause you feel good to me
But I'll leave it up to you

And if the love fits wear it, baby
And if it feels good, put it on
And if it's not that then just maybe
You'd be better off to leave it alone

But if the love fits wear it baby
And if it feels good, put it on
And if it looks like then just maybe
This love we have is where you belong
(This love we have is where you belong)

I'd like to hold you for I love you a lot
And try to make you understand
We got a good thing and it fits us so tight
But what can I do?
It's up to you

sweet wishes

yes. yes i want dd to have her summer samba wedding.

that would be very nice. sooo nice.

and the way it looks right now, i'm not going to be able to reach all my dreams of nerdiness and academic excellence but instead will have to be banished to some hot deserted island with nothing but coconut trees and an endless fountain with green tea shakes. (yes, even without whipped cream.)

hehe.

yes. yes i want to walk barefoot on cool white tiles. but the soles of my feet end up being so black. sooo black. not so very nice.

we interrupt this blogpost with a cool shower and a tall glass of iced tea.

summer na gid ya

all things conspiring to give me the biggest tan of my life:

1. radiation from fiolo screen or the tv
2. the fires of my guilt (why, why, why do i still have two papers to pass????)
3. the hot summer wind
4. the furnace of my fears (repeat: why, why, why do i still have two papers to pass????)
5. the mangoes in the refrigerator.

whaaaat? hehe.

************

i love.

the sweet breeze from electric fan brushes my face
(with closed eyes, it becomes your breath),
my firm wide bed,
a hint of heat thru open windows,
cool rooms in shadow,
and the lusciousness of ripe mangoes.

awantin' some sweet lovin' ;)

astrodienst: A perfect balance **
This influence is favorable for sexual relationships and for all kinds of creative activity. It symbolizes the perfect balance between your need to be yourself and your need to relate to another. But this influence is strongly physical rather than psychological in its effects. A purely romantic relationship with no physical sex would not be very satisfactory, but such a relationship is not likely to occur during this time. Your erotic fantasies will certainly be stimulated, and women or men whom you would not usually look at twice seem much more attractive now. In fact you need to have a certain amount of discretion, lest you get involved in a totally inappropriate relationship. But again this influence is not usually that compulsive.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mars Trine Venus exact at 20:40
activity period from 24 March 2006 to 28 March 2006.


A Smile and A Gentleness

There is a smile and a gentleness
inside. When I learned the name

and address of that, I went to where
you sell perfume. I begged you not

to trouble me so with longing. Come
out and play! Flirt more naturally.

Teach me how to kiss. On the ground
a spread blanket, flame that's caught

and burning well, cumin seeds browning,
I am inside all of this with my soul.

Translator: Coleman Barks


Futureminders: Emotions tend to find the right balance now, although they are anything but static. Passion is an enjoyable experience today, especially with one who shares your desire for pleasure. You can make a good, physical connection with someone at this time as you attract a strong individual who likes to take the lead. You know how to harmonize with whomever you are with so that you can get the most out of whatever he or she has to offer.


Some Kiss We Want

There is some kiss we want with
our whole lives, the touch of

spirit on the body. Seawater
begs the pearl to break its shell.

And the lily, how passionately
it needs some wild darling! At

night, I open the window and ask
the moon to come and press its

face against mine. Breathe into
me. Close the language- door and

open the love window. The moon
won't use the door, only the window.

Translator: Coleman Barks

photo album

THE READING PUBLIC. :)

This is how low my sense of humor is getting. Eurgh.




When AQUARIANS get together at a Capricorn abode, the Marines fall into disarray.
D and E emoting over In Her Shoes while VV obssessive-compulsively arranges her coffee mugs on a tray.





I guess, I felt strange.


hehe!

part of the mad dash to the finish line

The Enneagram and the Filipino Psyche

My instinctive answer was that Filipinos are essentially Type Two, or the Giver/ Helper. I sense that Filipinos are Type Two in how they will go out of their way to please the other. The other’s happiness is their happiness. Hence, Filipinos are famous for their hospitality. But helping/ giving is not limited between Filipinos and non-Filipinos. Rather this way of relating takes place between individuals, within families, and within almost all social structures.

Like how food is central to Filipinos. Within families, food is love, and woe to the child or family member who escapes the Filipino mealtime. Also how over-protective parents can be of their children, or how martyred some spouses are. Third is the theorized tagasalo phenomenon, where someone in each family takes on the burden of ensuring the happiness of the others at the expense of themselves.

The Filipinos take pride in their good relations, and see the social network as their source of strength. Hence, the inescapable system that prioritizes the kilala over the di kilala, that enlists numerous pairs of godparents at weddings and baptisms, and the failsafe network that rescues those in need at crises situations. Taken to practical extreme, good relations have also metamorphosed into the palakasan system within institutions that discriminates against strangers even those more capable or as capable.

Perhaps Filipino resiliency and adaptability is also related to being the Helper. Filipinos can transcend the most difficult conditions, and can overcome the most challenging limitations for the sake of loved ones. Take for instance, the overseas workers who brave sand, snow, storm, distance, loneliness and alienation just to ensure that loved ones will have something to live on, or will have some of what their heart desires.

Also, it is probably related that much of the work abroad that Filipinos get into is caregiving work. Filipinos are the nurses, midwives, domestic helpers, entertainers of many countries and many races. Such that it has become common to ask among wealthy foreigners, do you have a Filipina too?

Two’s give love in order to receive love. So that they may be validated, they need to feel useful and giving. When mutuality is not achieved, resentment can erupt. Hence debts are called in: one must pay one’s utang na loob. Or at the very least, the recalcitrant is labeled walang pakisama. Two’s notice when there is insufficient return of investment on their love and care, and can act up or act out.

Of course there is a shorter way to love. It need not come from others, but be a self-replenishing well from within.

In the way that Two’s understand about giving, integrated Two’s come to know that there is abundant love available to all in the Universe, including themselves. This Filipinos can also learn.

Disclaimer: this was a short offhand answer to an exam question, that did not go into detail on the levels of enneagram type two. meaning there are too many hasty generalizations given that the enneagram is empirically established. and actually for each type, there are healthy to unhealthy ways of being, the better to find out how one may grow.

but thought i'd put this out here in the meantime, as food for thought, and come back to it when i have more time to give a more considered answer.

i repeat myself

but seriously, ang galing talaga ng enneagram.

it's growing on me.

and i like that it is not simply a personality typology but a tool for self-awareness and spiritual growth.

promise.

sabi dati ni chester, when i say promise, i totally mean it.

reading this book now, and have confirmed once again that i am almost equal parts types four and one but not at all fully any of each.

Four-me example: I don't like either to take the lead or to be a follower.

Ay talaga. I can lead but if you naturally expect me to do it all the time or obligate me, I'll resent it sure enough at some point. I am also not a good follower especially when I feel that I can do better. Hahaha. I only take orders from those I believe in.

If you're looking for references, try The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson

hindi ako nalilito

kung minsan,
naiisip din kita.
(lagi kitang iniisip pero kung minsan,
naiisip kita.)

;))

Here's my updated list of things I can do all day long without complaining:

1. prepare psychological reports based on projective tests, particularly TAT stories.
2. search for related literature online.

taj

ambot ah! ano man to ang mga picture mo sang India man.

SOBRA NA GID TO YA KANAMION.

tani, gin upod mo na lang ko to.

ano pulos sang gakahisa lang ko.

hehehe.

passion and peace

happy new year.

the zodiac year starts today.

all Aries fire, and new beginnings.

here's to peace and passion! :)

HI.

none of the

usual suspects.

not womyn.
not piyaya.
not werock.
not jomari. <-- something only HB knows about ;))
not tao.
not stariray.
not pansyfancy.
not pansy.
not saja
not sajacutie <-- something only Bryan knows about wahahahaha

nope.

none of dd's guesses either:
goatgirl or
iloveny

nor roommie's
141763.

no one in the universe knows the password to my desktop that i last opened all of 14 months ago.

the magic word/phrase could be in one of my notebooks somewhere.

or not.

why don't your hazard a guess? ;)

chillin'

hehe.

my babysitting duties just ended. how can one take against an adolescent child, his very adolescence? hehe. i dunno, am not mad at all. he's a sweet kid. but a ... heavy weight groupmate. luckily, though it was heavy work that report, it wasn't as heavy as my reserch class where i might just as well give it up without my sweet and lovely friendships (groupmates).

am adrenalin-rushed. i feel like i've just come from the battle, and it wasn't that bad. and i had fun anyway. i had fun chatting with ate nina before sleeping on my papers (my email was open and she thought i was toiling till dawn). hahaha! i never make the mistake of not sleeping ate ningning :D

actually, i love end-of-sem madness :D.

it gets my blood pumping, and i get full of good ideas.

lalala. lalala.

bursts of h

now that the ABC who cooked japanese has finallllly released his philippines 2006 pictures, it's brought to mind my personal partial analysis of why that visit went so well :D unlike the last time, when i was kinda dyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing about the whole thing, i was really pretty relaxed this time around. relaxed indicators: i never planned ahead of time what to wear (wahahaha), i had no ulterior motives, and therefore had almost nothing to lose and everything to gain. i freely shared him with all my dearly beloveds, and a nice time was had by all on many occasions both planned and spontaneous. especially me who was happy to see them all appreciating each other's company. it was fun.

(and that trip to lemery lemery lemery life is but a dream ... was my most carefree chunk of this year thus far. i think of it most gleefully)

previously, i grew insecurities the way a tree grows branches. i had paroxyms of jealousy over the witty exchanges with other friends, and had unpleasant uncomfortable and all too human thoughts comparing myself with my sisters, the lights of my life. it was because i wanted more hehehehe. and my romantic feelings made me feel very vulnerable, and insecure.

i think of this because i am undergoing paroxysms again, and want to show myself, that yes, things can and do change, and life gets easier again. it's just the wheel.

***
i'm also saying this because oprah and this other therapist person were bearing in on this woman who was left by her hubby in a yacht somewhere. they were in the middle of their relationship and coupledom, and he just disappeared. wife says it was probably his narcissism. and though she looked ok on the show, they were picking up on her self that was still connected with him, still hoping he'd be fine, and that he'd see the light, and come back, and make up for all that he has done, etc. and so oprah and this therapist person said that the part of her that was connecting to him was indication of some kind of self-hatred. aaaaaawwww. that's just too unkind. anyway, it looked like the girl couldn't relate with what them two secure women were saying. maybe she will, in time, maybe she won't. but the me in this moment felt that self-hatred is just too strong a word.

i remember when bf the second disappeared south of the coastal highway, and it was clear from all indications (new gf, check; cheated on me, check; escaped, check) that he wasn't loving me, still my most me of me's just couldn't believe that he didn't still love me. my shocked person could only remember his self who had loved me, and expressed this many times (express being different from acted it out) to me, in whom i had deeply believed. it took a long time, and a lot of anger, but i only really moved on when i didn't care anymore whether he loved me or not. hehe.

this was my story and those were my wounds and though i've long ago moved on, those experiences left deep-seated fears and worries that get activated when i find myself in "at risk" situations. (at risk of great love, great joy and great loss). it's just that any compassionate understanding of myself (by myself and by others) has to take into account those situations ;)

***
but it's true that i am at once both very mixed up and very clear these days. i am very mixed up, there is a part of me that feels very guilty for going back on promises that i made to myself about you, and for my fixating on certain beliefs about us.

and also because the us, was true, is true. i hate myself for turning my back on it because it was something (the understanding and empathy that we have for one another) that moved me, and continues to move me still.

it's just that i want more, more, more. hehehe. and because this is what i want, the wanting of it brings me to plenty of paroxysms of this and that, that gets in the way of my peace, and gets in the way of our fun and spontaneous friendship. the us that gets in the way of our us.

***

i also wanted to say about one of my most relieved moments this year. now that the enthusiastic priestess is back to her exclamatory self :D (not that her other selves are any less worthy of love and friendship, not at all), i just wanted to tell her that one of my most relieved and happy moments this year was when she responded so honestly and openly to my then could-not-anymore-be-stopped-somewhat-worried-the tiniest bit exasperated-and the bigger chunk missing her- question, naano ka? the moment i sent it i was so scared she'd get pissed, clam up or something. but she responded in the spirit in which the message was sent, and all at once, everything was ok, and that moment in our friendship was i felt truly blessed :D.

(at that time, when she was most feeling the need to lick wounds in private, i was missing her ever-present supportive cheerleading. she had spoiled us with it thru the years and though i understood and supported her need to be alone and quiet and non-social, i was somewhat at my wits' end at that particular moment in babysitting and could not help but wail.)

so i just want to say THANK YOU to the excitable aquarian for mustering up her energies and love for me during the times when it was especially difficult for her to do so. Mwah, thanks ddness, love you.

***

but of course each one of us wage our battles, navigate our way thru the everyday. ddness is beaming, hb is activist (i am so glad hb that your words are written down somewhere ready to move those that need to be moved in the right time ... however contrary that may sound to the message of your missive hehe), my bro and dad confided to me separately last christmas that it was difficult to find out how the other was because they'd just go silent (hehe!), my mom and sis have their own virgo-scorpio dramas, and i am presently paroxysmal.

***

and about to lose all my money for the payment of overdue library books :D.

absolutely the end.

milat-milat

thanks ning for the Care2 e-card.Card image © Camilla Eriksson "Venus (animated)"

once upon a time, long ago,
in a galaxy four streets away,
i needed a document from dinasaur's pc,
and she gave me the password b*lat,
but i never got the document,
because, wrong spelling wrong.

hahaha. she had it in an "i"
but i typed an "e".

but anyway, i mention this because
yesterday i milat-milat (pinilosopo :D)
this guy friend who texted me the theme
of yesterday's women's march:
a woman's place is in the struggle! o*st gma! ;))

i said, instead, the struggle should be pro-women.
hehehehe! wala lang.

ayaw ko lang may tinatawag na "a woman's place".

(kahit saan man 'yon sa home man or sa struggle).
basta kung saan ang woman, 'yon 'yon.

(pero siyempre cooperative naman ako sa mga kabaro at
nakikulay din sa mga nagmartsa. ika nga ng may-ari ng runes,
ang "lavender subculture". pero di totoo yon, fuschia po :))

tapos, tapos, bilang gimik sa women's day, sa PBB,
pina-cross dress nila ang mga kalalakihan. huh??? eh ibig
sabihin, tungkol pa rin yon sa mga kalalakihan at di
pa rin tungkol sa kababaihan. mga babae pa nga nahirapan,
kaka-make-up sa kanila.

pero guilty din ako sa focus on men kasi nakuha ko pa ring
bumati sa ilang kalalakihan sa phonebook ko ng: binabati ko
ang inyong inner woman. hmmmp, pinagkagastusan ko pa sila ng
text. wala lang.

gusto ko lang mang-asar :D ... at bumati sa
mga iilan na kumikilala sa kanilang inner woman
na sa tingin ko ay mahalagang aspeto ng sarili
ng bawa't lalaki.

1

Dear v,
Here is your couple's love horoscope
for Thursday, March 9:

A big bout of cleaning will help get you back on track. If your home and office are in shape (and knowing you, they probably are), clean out some old relationship habits. Heck, it might be time to toss them altogether.

sangtaongpagmamahalanmagulomasayamalungkotmalinawmasalimuot. anong susunod? ;)

saya-saya

tues - report on filipino adult development
wed - term paper on angel reading as a projective technique due
sat - research symposium: presentation of research on friendship intimacy due (group work)
tues - term paper on development of intimacy on women and men due
wed - take home finals for projectives due; final exam on research
thurs - final research paper on friendship intimacy due.

:D

venusinaquarius self

do i dare?
oo, i dare ;))

hehe.
kaya mo 'yon, angels?

hehehe.

actually, hindi ko pa 'yon nagagawa.
ever.

;))

symbol saging

ewan ko ba kung bakit kahapon pagkagising ko naisip ko na namiss ko na kumain ng saging. yong lakatan, mahaba tapos maraming potassium. hehe. tapos noong hapon na, nagkatagpo kami ni ivan sa ym classroom at nagkasundo na magkita bago siya pumasok sa klase.

bago kami magkita, nagtext ako sa kanya na dalhan niya ako ng saging. sabi naman niya, sure! para sa mga hindi nakakakilala kay ivan, sadyang mahilig siya sa saging. madalas may baon siyang saging sa bag.

kaya naisip ko tuloy na baka kaya naisip ko ang saging dahil magkikita pala kami ni ivan. noong christmas party pa ang huli naming pagkikita. ang alam ko kasi marami siyang gustong ikuwento sa akin.

wala lang, gusto ko lang kasi mapatunayan ang papel ng simpleng simbolo sa pang-araw araw na buhay.

sabi naman ng anghel na si Bridget, may mga bagay daw na hindi pinapaalam/ sinasabi sa akin. tinanong ko kung ano kaya ito, lumabas si Chantall, ang anghel ng new romance. baka may nabubuong pag-iibigan kalakip ang mga taong malapit sa akin, na wala akong ka alamalam.

me moirs

so one day last week, i got up and left my groupmate, male.
a male male, one who's too noisy, and told me to keep my next week
free because he's taking a leave. hello, kiddo. i don't make
myself available for just anyone or on command because i do my
work anyway, when i can, regardless of your sked, but of course
we will meet but no, not keep my week free for you.

and so i left him to wait for the xerox, and walked off to the
other building for a bite before class, and there i met with
last sem's classmate, woman, and we had a fabulous time right then
and there on the benches having one of my favorite conversations
of all time (the one about the hard-knocks university vs the kind
university) and i love her because she's my decade. and there's worlds
of meaning in that.

(yes, sometimes, age gets to me at university because my classmates
are all so young and they can't imagine how wonderful it is too
at my age, and it sometimes makes me feel ancient and out of it
instead of being exactly where and who i am.) and next semester,
we will be classmates again, and we can't wait.

and just the other day, i realized i do have a role to play in
this universe because i really am entering psychology with a firm
grasp of feminism, and a feminist agenda. yes, agenda in the themes
and topics that i choose, and the research questions that i ask, and
because i realized, many others don't have and need that kind of
background (that gender is not some inane and neutral variable promise)

and one day too last week, the only Catholic priest in my life turned
to me and asked if i wanted to be a clinical psychologist, and i said,
yes! and he said ok, i must get as much experience as i can and get
many many kids to draw for me, because we were learning about
drawings.

and this afternoon i browsed thru the Philippine publications/ books
at the bookstore and remembered how I've always liked Philippine
contemporary literature and have followed thru the years what they
came out with and once interviewed for work this publishing firm that's
shaped the business

lastly, i really enjoyed our research defense day. i love hearing/
learning about other studies: what they are asking, how they plan to
answer their questions, and the panelists' comments. it was most
educational. ;))

good cheer

hola! having a little too much before-the-deluge fun.

yes fun.
three movies, three beers, and some mall time and meals with friends.

yes, a deluge.
two term papers, two exams, one group report, and one research project to go.
six thangs in 17 days or 3 days per thing to do.

OHMYGODDESS.

at least, in the next three weeks, nothing else matters.

as if life worked that way ;))

p.s. but lest you think it's just slacking off around here (hehehe guilt), had an exam and research proposal defense last week, too :)

reel parents

extremely noteworthy parents lately, fromthemovies:

1. if you walked the line, weren't june's parents simply ace?

when johnny was wrestling with his tractor in the woods, it was june's empathetic mom who told her to go to him, because he was a "mixed up" kid. in my view, traditional less-discerning parents would have said, "drive!" because from all indications, johnny looked like trouble, and what parent wants trouble for their daughter? she also recognized that june was involved with him already, involved in the real heart-sense.

also when that drug pusher came looking for johnny, it was june's frail-looking dad, and the mom who took up firearms and threatened the drug pusher. hahaha! loved that scene.

2. and if you climbed brokeback mountain (where the cold nights were so extremely cold prompting a silly girl* to say, ahhhh... kaya pala! haha!) weren't Jack's parents utterly loving to Ennis? leaves you with the impression they had been accepting of their son Jack.

*it was this blog's author and she was just being stupid which is fun to do, too. :P

unang langoy

napapadalas na naman
ang pagbukas/pag-abuso/paglinis
(mamili ka ng kataga)
ko ng aming ref.

nahahalata na naman
na kailangan mapunuan/mapawi
(alin sa dalawa)
ang pagka-uhaw sa pagmamahal.

madalas akong napapagod sa
aking sarili at sa pangangailangang
isaisip isa-isa ang mga gagawin,
kung hindi ay tiyak kong malilimutan

ang mga ito. o baka mas tamang sabihin na
takot ko lang mawalan ng lakas na
magpatuloy kahit na alam ko naman na
gusto ko, at ang mga ito

ang nagpapabuhay sa akin.
sadyang walang madali kailangan pa rin
hinkayatin ang sarili.
kahit na ako na siguro ang isa

sa mga kilala kong sobrang
sinusuwerte sa mundo.
baka lang din kasi akala ko
sa effort na gawing simple

ang buhay ko mas lalo akong nalulungkot
dahil kasama sa kaligayahan ang
komplikasyon
at saka

humahaba na naman ang litanya
ko kesyo sana puwedeng mag-demand
o mag-expect kahit na ok nga na
hindi eh

kaya't pag ganito mas mabuti nang
manahimik at mapag-isa nang sa gayon
walang masasaktan o maaaway. mabuti
na lang mapagmahal ang kaibigang

payag na kaladkarin kong magsine kahit
na malakas ang protesta kong ayaw ko
siyang samahan bumili ng malaking payong,
siya'y payag pa rin.