fold the paper and spread the ink

had round two of the inkblot dinners tonight, a sudden new tradition brought about by having two other playful classmates in our inkblots class, and how 6-9 pm classes can make you so hungry you want to eat the grassy lawn.

there is of course, the ever-present vendo machine with its grand array of harmful sweets, chips and sodas. nevermind health reasons, that machine has got its moods swinging wildly from one day to the next. bad-vendo days just eat up your bills and coins, giving you nothing in return: no signs of life, no hope, no calories, nothing even resembling an apology. no wait, just the other day, it gave me a lukewarm soda for my twenty-peso bill. well, thanks.

magaan ang loob ko kay fr., and probably much to his consternation, he is the ever-constant target of my teasing/tuksohan, from greeting him, "oh it's the naughty priest", in front of demure classmates; to an endless stream of tikal, in our other shared language, Hiligaynon. Fr. and I also talk in Filipino, and English, you know. hehe. basta, i like him. plus, we were born in the same year, which is rare, in graduate school where people look aghast every time i tell them i'm all of 35. hahaha, maybe they didn't realize, that really, really, people really live that long. hehe! well, we do! we did! and it's been wonderful.

so anyway, last week, i told h and fr. i'd feed them dinner for having done the deed a month ago, you know, passed the comprehensives. fr. was sooo willing to enjoy the treat, saying how much he believed in me because even if i hadn't studied, i passed! hehe! he keeps repeating this even though i already clarified that i both studied and crammed. in one ear, out the other, these priests :D.

we had a hilarious dinner the other week, also enlivened by realizing how our other inkblot classmate, the one we've only just met this semester, the very nice dr. b who had administered the test to all three of us, individually, was sat just a few tables away. hehe! it must have looked like a conspiracy, but really, we hadn't seen him come in, and we had just been talking about how grateful we were that he had been so kind :). (and tonight, he lent me two books, he's sweet and lovely :)).

so anyway, we went giggling into Max's, and ordered what i shared with them, i usually ordered with my ex on our ex-dates -- chicken and pinakbet. plus this evening we had crispy pata bites. yummy and fit for the occasion that we never knew existed until minutes before we tucked in. it was fr.'s birthday yesterday :).

chicken, pork, veggies and leche flan (thought i'd almost sneak it past you that we had dessert too ;) ) soon disappeared in the intensity of the sharing about fr.'s ex-love :D :D :D and they went on dates where my gang and i went for frozen iced-tea back during my thirsty high-school Saturdays.

indeed, there is much to discover in them inkblots :D

antipolo is so near without traffic

there's a nice place just an hour and 15 minutes out of town, like at the back of Antipolo. it's got a stunning view. of the back of Antipolo. guess what's at the back of Antipolo hills? wouldn't you like to know? ;)

but man, the place has like a 50 degree uphill driveway. heart attack. hehe. i closed my eyes as the van surged up the drive.

below was the room assigned to us two trainors. it had a very large tv, the better for watching the second to the last night of pbb. wahahaha. you could dance in the bathroom it was THAT huge.


and here's their pool. didn't get a chance to use it.


for more information, click on to Punta de Fabian. it's a good place for trainings. just get 4-wheel drive. hehe.

but what i learned this weekend is how pangit it is when you (err, them) organize a training with no conviction. or when you're (err, them) only just pretending because your heart isn't in it.

it made me feel guilty for all the times in the past that i may have organized trainings but my heart wasn't really in it. when we may have just "used" our resource persons because we wanted to have a training, and we couldn't be the resource persons ourselves because we didn't know enough.

having been in other trainings that involved heart, mind and resources, i can now tell the difference.

but i enjoyed the kids :D

dear universe, i want to know if i should be teaching kids. if you agree, please push me in that direction that i may know for sure. thank you. ;)

kelan na tayo pupunta ng Siquijor!

My Lakbayan grade is B-!

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out at Lakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.

the long road to never

dahil mapaglaro ang isip ko at mapanunlog ang puso ko, inisip ko at pinakiramdaman kung bakit ayaw ko na.

translation: because i have a mind that likes to toy, and a heart that makes kulit, i searched within me as to why i don't wanna no more, ever. (ahh, the pleasures of self-explanatory intuit-your-own-meaning, murderous, English. hahahaha, sorry po Shakespeare).

kasi di naman niya ako inapi. di ko naman masasabi na di niya ako mahal. di ko naman masasabi na he was never there for me (now and then but not always). pero bakit ba ako punding-pundi at kahit gaano ko i-tempt ang sarili ko, sa aking imagination, di pa rin ako kumakagat?

because he didn't oppress me. nor can i say that he didn't love me. neither can i say that he was never there for me (now and then but not always). but why do i feel so depleted, and no matter how much i try and tempt myself, in my imagination, i cannot muster any enthusiasm for connecting once again?

ayaw ko na kasi. wehehehe.

ayaw ko na ng paulit-ulit. ganun na naman. ayaw ko na ng paulit-ulit na ganun na naman. ang pinaka-ayaw ko sa lahat, yong make-or-break na inaayawan ko, yong ayaw na ayaw ko na talaga yong winiwithdraw and/or winiwithhold ang sarili.

waaaaah. ayaw ko na talaga nun. hahaha. sinusumpa ko na ang witholding/ withdrawal.

di ko na kinakaya at di ko na kakayanin yon. di bale na wala na lang forever. ayaw na ayaw ko na ang nandiyan tapos nawawala.

di ko na care kung ano ang reason. nasaktan ka kaya't ayaw mo na akong kausap. na-imbey ka kaya lalayo ka baka kung ano pa masabi mo. nadedepress ka kaya't ayaw mong magsalita. ayaw mo lang at busy ka. or wa ka lang care sa akin sa time na yon.

nadiskubre ko na ayaw ko na talaga ng ganun, kahit anupaman ang reason. oh maaan, such an intimacy killer. the unpredictability of hot and cold. na stress ang self-esteem ko, na overstretch ang patience and understanding ko, nag-run out ang love ko. siguro among strangers, puwede pa yon. but between the two of us, it's unacceptable. kasi kung anuman ang reason mo, handa naman akong makipag-usap. pero halos never ka nakikipag-usap kaya

ayaw ko na.

di ko rin ma imagine kung paano mo ma-overcome ang ganun. or kung naintindihan mo na yon ay nakakamatay. bawal tumawid, nakakamatay.

as the mmda say, cross and you die!

hehe.

My Daily Tarot
at Astrology Dot Com


The Strength card reversed suggests that disappointment, fear, emotional extremes or the grind of daily life may be taking its toll on your love life or relationship. You may feel under pressure to take action, but you need to take some time for yourself or seek guidance in order to understand your options, regain control, assess the challenge or get over it. Don't resort to manipulation, confrontation, force or socially unacceptable behaviors. Don't gripe when you can do something about it.

love lives

a boring reflection, don't say i didn't warn you :P

i was at my father's last christmas and left my sister in the company of my grandma, aunts, uncles and cousins on my mom's side. d got it going good with the cousins. they bonded and decided d needed to visit them in cebu last summer.

and so, we did.

i bonded as well with the cousins. the md asked me about my lovelife (they never had before hahaha. nor have i ever offered any information myself) while we were squashed together at the back of the very nice car with the individual tvs, on the way to the city to have dinner and coffee.

i said, i didn't know (i still don't). there was a guy but we could never get it going for very long. we liked each other fine. but we could never get a relationship off the ground for prolonged periods. our airplane just crashes.

and she said, and i really appreciated this from her, yes, i had the same experience too. there was this guy whom i really liked. i really liked him. but i knew that if we got together, i would have a very hard time.

and so, she said, sometimes it's just like that.

* * * *

even now, in the comfort and the pleasures of my solo-life
many things remind me of this guy i really like.

things on tv, things on the internet, and things in my head.

the way he is (but not with me) just makes me laugh.

when i was younger (maybe even just last week),
it seemed so unthinkable to like someone,
and have someone like you, and yet never have it work out between you.

i thought love and liking would surely make it work. as i only
ask of partners that we love and like each other.

mali pala ako.

i can't even be close friends with this guy because
we never fail to stray into something a little more
romantic after just a few days

and a little more never works out because we always
manage to also piss each other off, and when that happens
it gets really ridiculous in ways you can't imagine.

kaya ganun na lang muna. or forever.

* * * *

i also have this story of the-one-who-got-away

there's also this other guy who's also riduculously nice
(because ridiculous is my word for the day.)

he always treated me with consideration, with much niceness
and he also made me laugh (which seems to be my only standard hahaha).

and such was my frustration with guy above that i said:
if mr. nice guy ever came back to me, i'd marry him in a minute

because suddenly, nice seemed the only way to go
i craved for someone to treat me well.

i said it often enough that mr-nice-guy-the-one-who-got-away
who has not been in my life for some time now (as he is attached)
suddenly popped in for a second, and said (without my really asking)
that he really really is happily attached right now.

hahahaha! i enjoyed that, really. i thought that it was
a message to me straight from the universe to say
stop making psychic waves with such silly statements.

other things are in store.

oh yeah.

sexy set

the lights are dim
and you're sitting in a crowd (a crowded table wehekhekhekhek)
and janoi and kakoi
make music that just
make you feel so sexy.

oh maaaaan.

see you next Thursday
at their regular set.
70's Bistro, lay your racket on the doorstep (wehekhekhekhek)
and fling back your heartaches with your
(imaginary) curly hair.

see you there.

Youve got your ball
Youve got your chain
Tied to me tight tie me up again
Whos got their claws
In you my friend
Into your heart Ill beat again
Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock
And sweet you roll
Lost for you Im so lost for you
You come crash into me
And I come into you

(J's cover of Dave Matthews Band, wehehehe!)

may diskusyon kami ng aking kaibigan. kasi sabi ko, naaawa ako kay wendy ng brendy.

sabi ko, naaawa ako dahil lost siya. sarili niya lang nakikita niya. pinag-iisipan niyang plastic kapag iba ang opinyon sa kanya at iba ang paraan ng paglalahad ng opinyon at damdamin. di niya binubuksan ang isip at puso niya at subukang intindihin kung saan kaya nanggagaling ang iba.

basta, para sa kanya, aping-api siya sa bawat pagkakataon na tinutuligsa ang gusto niya. di niya nakikita na iniintindi nga siya ng lahat.

para sa kanya, lagi na lang, it's either you're for or against me. di siya mapakali dun sa gray areas na puwede namang nagmamahalan o magkaibigan kahit na may pagkakaiba.

tapos sa sobra niyang lugmok dun sa pagiging feeling api niya, super identify na siya sa drama niya. di niya na maiahon ang sarili niya sa drama. at kahit ano pang gawin ng kahit sino, di siya matutuwa kasi hahanapan niya yon ng dahilan.

kelan niya marerealize na, life is what you make of it? siya din may gawa ng lahat ng "heartache" niya.

ang funny nga kasi lahat ng accusations niya dun sa nagnominate sa kanya (such as, kanila na lang ang bahay na to, pera lang ang gusto nila) are really about her. these are her own thoughts/ motives/ conflicts.

tapos, ang ingay niya pa. di siya natapos sa kakangawa at kakadabog at eksena. pero ayaw niya naman makipag-usap ng derechahan. gusto niya lang makipag-usap when it goes her way exactly.

eh siyempre, di naman puwede yon, at marami pang ibang tao sa world at kailangan mo rin sila bigyan ng kanilang right to exist, and to feel what they feel, and to express it how they want to.

it's not like they don't try. it's just that you're not listening.

hehe!

sabi kasi ng friend ko, alam daw ni wendy ang ginagawa niya kaya wag daw ako maawa.

trip 14

it's those first few minutes of creeping into the city in the chilly early morning dark and being awed by the myriad lights strung out in-between mountains. that's what gets me every time.

then my trip to Baguio would have been made. na.

now that's my brave girl

oh my goddess, this is going to be a tough one. a biggie.
(but not really tough-like-that since everything that just flows, is not as tough-as- all-that, but simply, life happening. and thus, one can trust one's self to it.)

my sister spent a lot of her growing years in the UK,or rather, most of it, and more than once or twice, in our numerous and frequent all-together-now family trips and encounters, i would harbor the random-enough thought that it would be really good if she would be able to spend some time in the Philippines in order to know to know and embrace the Filipino side of her. (even though, it is also quite true that any child with a Filipino mother would probably still grow up quite Filipino in more ways than you might think, without even having to set foot on Philippine soil.)

the above were random-enough thoughts on regular-enough vacations because there was never any talk of such a plan, nor was i in any position to set such a plan into motion.

so never did i think that someday such a thought would become a reality. nor did i have any inkling of how large a role i would play in such a scheme :).

and the beauty of it was when it did happen, it was really largely sister's idea and initiative.

(part 1 of many parts or no more :) )

lagaw irresistible lagaw

Yes, here i am again enmeshed in the innumerable arrangements and online research for the housemates' weekend away. i laaaab it. i am getting addicted to travel. have been many places this summer. most fun. you know, just to be up and about. i laaaab being on a road trip. (thank you mami for making it possible for your two daughters to super traipse these islands). i also laaaab looking into the possibilities and making them come true (regardless of whether they come true or not). you know, i just want to make lagaw. Pasyal, in Tagalig. Where I haven't been before. Or where I liked it before :), and wanna show and share.

In the meantime, I am incredibly disorganized about everything else. My ironed clothes are piled high, my papers need sorting, my inbox is bursting, my pictures beg posting, and emails need replies.

But time enough, soon enough :)

My thesis, too, will need ruminating and meditating.

Seeing as I passed the Comps ;) wehehehe.

100 seconds with exes

so, forgive me my cheap thrills. i have momentarily "rested" my photo-blogpost-in-the-making as i need more time to upload the pics. but i couldn't resist imagining what to say to exes, as inspired by the latest episode of older brother primetime. ;)

here's what am gonna say:

#1: you pervert *plak!*

#2: you're a loser and i have nothing to say to you.

#3: whatever. stop bothering me. get a life.

#4: it is never acceptable not to keep in touch, no ifs, no buts.

tsk tsk. what a life. what love. hahahaha.

this is how my lola loves me

i didn't get to sleep over at my lola's/aunt's because i was at the 7th young men's camp, but i spent most of one day there shortly before we left for cebu, hanging out with my ever-loving lola, and being badgered to eat at the "proper time". (unfortunately, there's no such thing as a proper time when you've only slept an hour in the night, for being scared by ghost stories and having the light switch turn off suddenly while perched on a high hill! us "ghosters" snuggled 11 in all in a cottage meant for four. hehe.)

lola held out the jar of petroleum jelly and said that it's mighty good for bites and burns. and i, victim of a stone-massage burn at Sanctuario Spa in Malate, said, "oh pity i didn't know that. my burn has finally healed after two months."

so my ever-reasonable lola said in cebuano, "let's burn you then. with a match stick." wahahahaha. the better to try petroleum jelly efficacy. :P

* * *

so i learned that my lola gave birth to her first child when she was 20 (sister's age) and her last child when she was 37. so there's still some time if i get brave enough. but i wonder how, with these following words of wisdom about childbirth?

lola: oh, if there was no God, you would really die!

WAAAAAAAAAH. Apparently an activity requiring Divine participation.

this is how my sister loves me

i had my eyes closed in the darkened plane, talking with angels for a smooth and safe landing, and working forward in my mind to the next few days. suddenly there were grinding sounds and new movements that so surprised me, i clutched at sis. and she, seeing my fright and empathizing with it, said, "oh" and put her arms around me to comfort me.

i laughed, explaining that i thought we were still suspended in the air, circling over metro manila. and she said, "oh, poor you. i was wondering why you weren't happy we had landed."

a 747 lands differently from a smaller plane. no single thud but a lot of sounds. oh, poor me.

i had tears in my eyes from the ready and genuine sympathy of sister

mwahahahahaha

si rizal ba talaga yon?

it's the end of the world today.

i just felt like saying that. the sky fell on me yesterday. luckily, they were just nimbus clouds. but why did they have to fall on me?

hehehe. pa-victim.

anyway, "it's the end of the world today" appears to be on the same level as "there's dust motes galore under my bed."

you know, just the facts of life.

(the weight of my failed expectations)

(if truth be told, my knickers are in a twist because you missed my big day, and i wish you hadn't because i would have liked to have marked it with you; same as it felt like you missed last week though technically, you didn't, but only because i reminded you of it. or that's how it seems even if i could be very very wrong.)

(a further aside to this aside: when i was in college, my boyfriend gave me a rose -- and if i have already written this story then i repeat myself -- and i wasn't pleased because he had gotten it from the frat's barrel of roses. i thought, it was just there and he got one and gave it to me. it was just there, and he gave me one, and this meant i wasn't special enough. ... hahahaha. cute :)

but about today. i wore a white tank and blue jeans, and an itty bitty strip of belt. it made me very happy.

am going out tonight :) but all i want to do is sit quietly in a corner, without speaking much, hug my gfs and my sister, and cry.

because sometimes, i just get so disappointed.

the tenth of May

there's something about summer
that always sets my soul steaming with joy

* * * *

today, it rains, and rains,
and rains.

i stare out the window,
awed at the change.

* * * *

i am glad some things in life
need not be choices.

i like the sun.
i like the rain.

everything's fine.

comps confessions part 1

1. the comps was easy: meaning the questions were answerable, at least those from my profs :). i don't mean that it was easy for me, but that ... the questions were quite answerable. i can even locate precisely where in my handouts the answers lie! hehe.

2. it's just that i crammed! i didn't cram everything but i crammed fifty percent. i studied 50 percent of what i had to study reflectively and leisurely and the rest at a don't-stand-up-till-all-this-information-is-in-your-head manner. or maybe, the do-put-those-papers-in-your-bag-now-as-the-taxi-has-come-to-a-full-stop-and-it's-time-to-get-out-the-door-already pace(and-not-leave-your-thermos-of-water-with-manong-the-taxi-driver-especially-because-you're-coughing but ooops, too late for that :P. enjoy the yellow thermos, manong! :P)

3. the best way to study for comps really is to read and learn again the stuff that you have long forgotten and then make sure to have enough time to review that same stuff just before the exam. and, whilst you're reading and reviewing again, to explain/ re-tell what you're learning to someone willing to lend an ear, or write it up again yourself in paragraph or bullet form. because you need to learn and understand the material, master it, and be able to explain/expound on it.

4. it can't be all stock knowledge because after all, that's eight subjects you need to know by heart :P. as last-sem's comps-passer said to one of us takers, "you really need to study. you can't pass it on talent." hehehe!

5. but then again, maybe it's not possible to have all the time in the world to study. you can't make life wait for you while you read ;) (a likely story, eh? hehehe)

6. and so the questions i answered ok were one, the one i was explaining to mami about on our way back from bora; and the other, the one i was writing to myself about, in anticipation of such a question. the one i will probably have the lowest score on is the one i flipped to in the taxi because i couldn't remember any of it i had read two days prior! the one that was "easiest" and longest to answer was the one that was truly application :) and was more stock knowledge because that was how we did it in class. good one, ma'am.

7. it was fun though, figuring out afterwards which teacher had probably given which question for the subjects taught by more than one teacher in the last 2-3 years, as the profs were true to form! like, i don't think i could have answered properly the questions given by those i did not study with (some questions seemed impossible :P!)

8. i've been sick! still sick! it has to do with the clash of temperatures. aircon vs mindblowing humidity; ice vs no-ice. but can't really complain. comps is comps, sick or not.

9. once, i preyed on duni's pity and pulled rank: "please, get some coke with ice for your poor manang joyjoy!" hahahahha, it was hilarious. the look on her face was priceless, "i can't believe you would use that on me! my poor manang, really!"

10. but she messaged me goodluck "to my genius manang" so i guess, everything is all in sisterly fun! hahaha.

11. four more questions to go ;) next week uli ha. thanks to everyone who messaged :) made me feel like my birthday!

where i was :)

ok enough of this drama. hahaha! i'll do my best. if i don't pass, i'll do it again.

but in the meantime, i just want to mention the Teresas. (and the Aguedas and the Gabriela's.)

yes, i spent five days in Caliraya, Quezon for the Young Women's Camp.

it was awesome, awesome, awesome (echo: awesome, awesome, awesome).

it also left me with a lot of questions about myself, myself, myself. my life, my life, my life. and next time :).

but here, they are, beautiful young women all :)



after the Comps, i'll blog more about family, family vacations, corregidor, and the young women's camp :)... and the comps! hahaha.

comps=life

"The longing I have is life's longing for me and the longing itself becomes fulfillment if I listen to it amidst chaos."