gone, swimming

Off to swim The Seven Seas.

Take care while I'm away :D.

vvness

LOVE TO ALL :)

the way to help this country and others from where i am standing at the moment (meaning just myself ;) ... i am sure there's as many best ways to help this country and others at this very moment, starting from every individual wish to do so :D ) is to be the best me that i can be starting with the fact that ...

i have just submitted my financial liquidation to the old office for the year just passed. YEHEY. that's one more weight off my shoulders. (it's also a very practical contribution hahaha because now they can get audited and can get more funds and do more activities to ... heal the world and make it a better place ... so there :P ... i bet the lowbrains behind that brawn tactics proclamation don't know that's a truly "inciting" thought :P)

forward onto the week. there's more, starting with my exam tomorrow. i declare every right answer my personal anti-gloria act.

hehehe!

Pinoy BIG BiG

Incidentally, the perils of TV-watching, reality tv, and the big profit-maximizing networks notwithstanding, celeb pbb is very very watchable! hehehe! and that statement is why i am hiding this post under two others.

so tonight this bianca girl was seen telling the roxy girl about her bf, and that she was afraid she was not strong enough for the strong person that her bf is (you can kalabit me for the narrative if you're interested in the details). and this roxy girl said love him yes you can, but if what you want is a simple relationship ...

so of course that brought me to myself. because i've said that to myself too :D, and i've replied to myself in various ways at different times. and the prevailing answer has been to look at my strengths, and our strengths together, and to celebrate those, always, over and above, any of my fears (and those are strong too) and misgivings. because actually if i look at where i am and where we are, i am actually a very strong woman, and it is very possible that i can be as strong as i'll need to be. for myself. for him. for the world. ... ay, yon sobra na yon ;))

i have my mega doubts every few hours/ days. it's never easy. perhaps, it's just that it's easier not to have to take on fears that i can't do anything about anyway, rather than stick with the things i already know are good, and have the bad habit to forget/ minimize.

at the very least, it's been very educational.

and very often, i pray all the time :) (whatever that means very often all the time ;)). for courage.

and give thanks for everything that is good.

whereas

whereas (as of 1 pm afp/dnd presscon) "all men [in the afp] are accounted for," therefore we are now in a state of national emergency (11 am).

d'uh.

the old 45's

Here's another from my soul's secret playlist that goodness only knows contains what else!

Yesterday, meditating in the middle of an entrancing and hectic lecture, I realized I did, still, despite the wonderfulness of this moment and the numerous pitfalls involved in not-this, want that.

It's always interesting to be clarified :D

And so after getting a class of water from the refrigerator, I burst forth like I have no business singing:

Candles burning glasses are chilled and soon she'll be by hope and pray she'll say that she's willing to give us another try and if all those songs I made don't melt the lady's heart I'll put on the old 45's.

And maybe the old songs will bring back the old times maybe the old lines will sound new maybe she'll lay her head on my shoulders maybe old feelings will come true

Maybe she'll start to cry and wonder why we ever walked away maybe the old songs will bring back the old times and make her want to stay.

And yes, I typed that in by heart being another one of those from my adolescent cassette tapes!

The natural buoyancy of souls

What goes down must come up, isn’t one of the more reassuring phrases dive instructors can say to students. It doesn’t guarantee life :D. But it’s true though, and divers can count on it. If you stay still, and don’t panic, and take off all things that weigh you down, you will eventually reach the surface. (In fact, it’s often worse if you reach the surface too soon because you need to give enough time to emit the nitrogen you take in underwater … or something like that hahaha … I obviously need a refresher course).

My soul is sending up the occasional bubbles, in the form of bits of songs. They arise unexpectedly, come from a particular chunk of my growing up years, and usually match my mood/ thoughts. It’s been a bit striking such that I’ve taken to paying attention. For instance, as I stepped out of the shower: if you remember me, I hope you see, it’s not the way I want it to be, or I’ll be with you now, but wherever I go, my love goes with you, keep on smiling, keep on shinin’, sometimes even time can come between…

Yes, like that. Going straight back to the days when I had gotten hold of my uncle’s copy of a Jingle magazine containing lots of Billy Joel’s old songs (Friday night I crashed your party, Saturday I said I’m sorry, Sunday came and you trashed me out again, I was only having fun, wasn’t hurting anyone, and they all enjoyed the weekend for a change…) that I learned by heart and can sing like any rock star without an audience. :P

Or when my college-age older cousins taught me this ritual where you wrote a question pertaining to your love life, and the name of the object of affection on a piece of paper, burned the paper over a candle, placed the ashes under your pillow, turned on the radio, and the third song would be the answer to your question. No kidding.

My secret life as a 12, 13, 14-year-old revealed here for all to see. Hehe.

And so these songs that I just suddenly find myself singing, they aren’t LSS because they are hardly played anywhere anymore. It’s just my consciousness telling me what’s up, sister, in my truly present :).

Mahal kita kahit ano pa.

Paano kung mahal mo ang isang kaibigan,
Boy Abunda asks?

{cue in laughter}

He missed asking me to guest in his show.
So from me, he’ll never know ;))

But lucky you will :) :) :) (lol).

Yep (as Australians will say)
It’s not at all easy.

But perhaps it’s easier than loving the same friend
in the context of a romantic relationship.

(Right now, it is. But that was sweet too.)

And besides, for me, right now
it’s not about ease or difficulty.

It’s about me.
It’s about finding security for myself.

Not wealth not status not prestige.
But about claiming my power.

And knowing I am, will be ok no matter what.
No matter what comes up, comes next.

No matter who comes by and leaves.

My commitments

EsJi said there was no way I could have refused him
Because he watched over my house while I was away.

(But I forgot about that already, because I thanked him properly.)

Rather, it’s my commitment to the world’s women
That when it appears like the only reason I can’t is because I won’t

1) Then I have to. Hehehe.
Thanks again, HB.

* *

Also (those that jump out as of now)

2) To be there for Joanna for specifically that which we have agreed on
(because she asked, and I said yes, and it’s the one thing I can do, on this)

I have enjoyed it chester!
Have a meaningful trip! :)
Want to hear about it already!

3) To disclose my whereabouts and activities to HB
and vice versa, because that’s the way we love each other. LOL.

the sulky teenager that i am/was

So anyway (which is a bad way to start a writeup, as my high school English teacher taught me ... No I made that part up :D as I am currently missing my self who was one of my high school English teacher's best students hehehe ... just kidding :D), I've spent Sunday so far in tears over the Second Summer of the Sisterhood* of the Traveling Pants (which is bad for grades, but to heck with my papers for now).

I just feel that somehow, part of us will always be that uncertain afraid brave adolescent, who in hating, loved more.

CARMABELLE

"Well." Carmen lifted her arms in the air and locked her elbows. She examined her hands up there. "Let's see. I want you to leave me alone, but not ignore me. I want you to miss me when I go away to college, but not be sad. I want you to stay exactly the same, but not be lonely or alone. I want to do the leaving, and not have you ever leave me. That's not really fair, is it?"

Christina shrugged. "You're the daughter. I'm the mother. It's not meant to be fair." She laughed. "I don't recall you changing any diapers."

Carmen laughed too.

"Oh, and one other thing." Carmen rolled back onto her side, facing her mom. "I want you to be happy." p. 283


LENNY
Dear Bee,

I send you the Pants full of love and strangeness. ... I mean putting yourself out there in the way of overwhelming happiness and knowing you're also putting yourself in the way of terrible harm. I'm scared to be this happy. I'm scared to be this extreme.

Love,
Lena

LENA, again
Two important things happened on Lena's fourth and last day in Greece. The first thing was that Grandma gave Lena Bapi's hideous white tasseled shoes, and amazingly, they fit Lena's giant feet. Grandma looked aghast, like she hadn't actually meant for Lena to put them on, but Lena was very pleased.

*By Ann Brashares, who should go and meet Australia's Melina Marchett, who wrote Looking for Alibrandi. Because I say so :D. thanks DD for the loan of the books!

carrier

carry your heart with me(i carry it in... (92)
e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

weekend, promise

I woke up at nine am
And then again at eleven
How nice it is to wake up twice.

I sipped coffee kept the aircon on
So hot outside and how much I
Love summer.

I ordered lunch, and they
Forgot the rice.
How great. Bless.

I talked with my friends, in a
Literal figurative internet group
Hug. Separate chat windows and all.

I blogged about my friend
One of precious few male pals.
May there be more.

I “start” my day at three.
Coz even though I already started.
And “done” much.

The type one (secret type four)
Capricorn woman, without laundry hanging
Hasn’t started at all.

buddha

dahil kulang ang poem ni HB at marami pang kailangan idagdag tulad ng ukol kay Michael.

dear michael,

hindi totoo na mas magaling-galing daw ang derechahang usapan (yong naririnig) kesa pakiramdaman. may kanya-kanyang kagandahan ang bawa't paraan at kagaya ng lahat ng bagay sa mundo, pinakamaganda kung nababalanse ang dalawa. yong pagspeak out at speak up ay nauukol sa ibang bagay, kaganapan, panahon. yong pagkaalam at pagintindi ng walang salita ay mas angkop naman sa ibang kalagayan. minsan, kailangan dalawang paraan, sabay na ginagawa. kung sa bagay, iisa lang naman ang importante sa dalawa --yong motibong nanggagaling sa lab, at sa wish na all will be well and all will be happy with everyone.

(teka lang pala, gusto ko lang din sabihin na minsan yong pagalala, WORRY, o yong pagkaawa, PITY, ay hindi ang mas mapagmahal na paraan o motibo sa pakikitungo, pakikipagrelasyon at paglikha ng mas mapagmahal na mundo. mas maganda yong kaisipan na lahat ay may kaya, makakagawa ng paraan, matututo din. at magkakaroon ng tulong na di inaasahan kung tayo'y hihingi ng tulong at bukas sa pagdating nito. hindi puwede yong, help, sabay talikod dahil sa takot.

siguro ngayon nakukuha mo na na ang liham na ito para sa iyo ay hindi naman talaga tungkol sa iyo. hahaha! gusto ko lang pala mag-speech ;)).

at gusto ko rin kasi magpasalamat. sa iyong pagiging kaibigan ko, sa ating pagiging magkaibigan. yehey!

eula

p.s. HB, paki post nga ng aemon and goddesses poems. salamat :P

Oh, and by the way.

I do, I did, I do

Oh, and by the way,
I imagine interjecting, as I’m almost out the door.

To my sisters’, my mother’s, my friend’s conversations,
To the hearts of my heart, still chatting as I'm leaving.

Oh, and by the way,
In case it slipped your notice, as it did mine.

It’s the goddess who chooses.
And I’ll smile, we get to pick*. Yes, you and I.

See you later. Runes.

thanks to Joannie, for that important piece of missing information. Spread the word :)

SO, i want to say HVD

:D

to all my life's presences these days, thanks, i love you :D

so? (as one chinese was wont to say, so meaning, what's it to you? ;)). so indeed, hope you loved ones have a wonderful day. :D

look at what's in my bed these days. sleeping with me. (tonight, anyway)



let's have a closer look....



hehe! going to bed with words.

one pile, fiction i have to shelve
fiction i must finish the last few pages just to be OC about it :D
fiction i will read next
books am in the middle of
my angel books
my pile of women's psychology books that i browsed for a paper
my other pile of women's psychology books that i need to browse
the mother book that i need to send to ives
and my pile of diaries

wehehehehe ;)) let's enjoy the love, the words, say it in Runes ;)

oh, here they are, those who left the room

so now i know what i want on the walls :D -- angels, mandalas and some of susan seddon boulet's works.

so chester said during my tarot reading at the japanese-dinner-event-at-home that this is going to be a productive period working with my hands. hmmm maybe it's the shuffling of the angel cards :D.

so some things i don't say because they're not worth saying.

so a friend said of this guy schoolmate of ours that he is my male equivalent in the program -- old, mostly silent/ quiet, seemingly scary, funny, smart and wise. yes, i put all those words in her mouth. hahaha. but i agreed with her. maybe we can become friends.

lately, i am wanting to be friends with everyone. it seems that friendship is so wonderful. hehehe. it's just that i have to watch myself not to fall into the usual traps because of laziness. you know the usual relational-conversational-roleplays that are so readily available, one size fits all.

but am not like that. athena athena athena, help me to exercise what i know/ am:).

and oh, angel daniel and i are friends. he knows i don't want to be in love as of now, but want to be loving and lovee.

and oh yes, this week i was a tree. (it was during a hypnosis session in one of my classes. maybe i should go for the hypnosis class too this summer). specifically, the charisa/ aratilis tree in the backyard in my childhood home.

so, happy valentine's day and say i love you Runes!

catching each other at a (different) part of every day

a thought on its own

you looked good in your blue tee shirt.

sometimes i catch my breath thinking about how much i've learned and grown in relationship with you, and, every time, mentally say thank you for having been there while i learned. i am awed at how substantial your contribution has been. i imagine it a bit like a soul saying -- in a soul-to-soul conversation -- ok, here i am, use me in whatever way you will/ need to so you can grow a little bit more. it's been very humbling. i never thought it would be like that, and i am grateful.

having been thru the (mutual) wringer (perhaps), we release each other, while staying.

(my other thoughts suddenly stood up, and left the room :D)

ILY in Runes, English and Bisaya

How do you say
I love you
in RUNES?

JOIN US IN THIS VALENTINE’S OPEN MIC AND SAY IT ANY
WAY YOU WANT TO, TO ANY ONE YOU WANT TO (YES, TO ME,
SURE!), WITH AS MUCH FEELING AS YOU WANT TO

7:30 pm, Wednesday, 15 February 2006
Runes Bar & Restaurant, 265-F Tomas Morato
cor Scout Fernandez, QC, near Chili's Restaurant
Tel. No.: 413-0660

LAB YU DONG DAY ;)

angel guidance

Check out Doreen Virtue's website for some angel therapy.

Below is number three in her ten lessons learned from angels. (Am taking a Projectives class so this is way interesting :) )

3. All conflict is inside your mind.
"Any conflict you see or experience in the outside world is a projection of your ego. In truth, the world is completely at peace and you project your fear of peace onto the world. You don't want to resolve your inner conflict, but you do want to get it away from yourself. So, you project it onto other people and think that 'they' are the ones who are causing you discomfort. Other people are neutral, blank slates and you color them with your own meaning and definitions. Then, you react to them as if these colorations and definitions were real. Other people, in turn, treat you in the way that you expect, in a self-fulfilling prophecy."

As the angels explained this, I realized how often I had allowed fear to create miserable times for me. But always, I had the power to choose the thoughts and feelings I ascribed to all situations.

boiled egg and broccoli

recited in class today. hehehe that makes me sound like a kindergarten student. have been wanting to kick myself to do that more but just hadn't been present enough this year. but have now managed to pull myself together and be cheerful :D

made sure i'd be in class today since the scheduled topic for discussion was the theory that i've suspected will need to be in my paper. but when it came right down to it, intimacy isn't my passion anymore. hahahaha. didn't even make so much as a comment on stage 8, intimacy vs. isolation. now am interested in secure attachment, being ok with one's self and being ok with others. :D

anyway, my new friendship Y said before the class broke up, hey V, yellow suits you. you look happy.

i am, indeed. and yellow does suit me. ;)

extra large

the heart of a woman
encompasses the world.

amplified

i really enjoy it when i lose disbelief and like a movie the same way i like a book so much that i miss the characters after i've read the last page. when i like a movie so much, and so do my movie mates, we talk about the characters afterwards like they're real. (though like groupies, you talk about them like the actors were the characters ;)). it's the feelings-method to movie-appreciation :D (it doesn't focus on whether the movie was accurate of the real story or too hollywoodish and other mental-intellectual and/or wholistic frameworks. basta, i love it, ganun.)

but i'll wait a few days and see when more people have seen Walk The Line. Instead here's a song from my all-time favorite album of Everything But The Girl (EBTG). I love the Amplified Heart album but don't go back to it too often 'coz it's so so so sad an album.


We Walk the Same Line

If you lose your faith, babe, you can have mine,
and if you're lost I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

Now I don't have to tell you
how slow the night can go,
I know you've watched for the light.

And I bet you could tell me
how slowly four follows three,
and you're most forlorn just before dawn.

So if you lose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

And I don't need reminding
how loud the phone can ring
when you're waiting for news.

And that big old moon
lights every corner of the room.
Your back aches from lying
and your head aches from crying.

So if you lose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

And if these troubles
should vanish like rain on midday,
well I've no doubt there'll be more.

And we can't run and we can't cheat,
cause babe when we meet
what we're afraid of,
we find out what we're made of.

So if you lose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

welcome back

my
much-needed
much-awaited
much-welcomed

reunion
with geeky
OC
student
self.

oh
what
a
relief.

yes, alice-walker-wanna-be me

regardless
notwithstanding

we love each other

despite everything.


ps. sorry alice :D

on thursdays
you tend
not to text,
why?

en yah yah yah gram

;))

if you will recall, i crowed long and hard here about discovering (self-identifying thru a list) my instinctive enneagram type... type one... the perfectionist/ reformer. it was amusing to me because i could relate with statements saying like, "it has to be left up to me because no one else can/ will do it." and also the impatience and resentment. as well as the wisdom.

The Reformer. The principled, idealistic type. Ones are conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are teachers, crusaders, and advocates for change: always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake. Well-organized, orderly, and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards, but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic. They typically have problems with resentment and impatience. At their Best: wise, discerning, realistic, and noble. Can be morally heroic.

then i also elaborated a bit about type four, having issues with a beloved type four then. so imagine my surprise today to discover (taking the full RHETI test for school) that i am almost a type four as i am a type one. and moreover, am also nearly a type two. my feelings, both inward and outward ones, are showing themselves.

wahahahaha! serves me right. one judges that in others which one has also in one's self.

Type Four
The Individualist. The introspective, romantic type. Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.

here's the type two ;)... the female in me.

Type Two
The Helper. The caring, interpersonal type. Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

queen of the world

you want the world, someone said to me very recently in the middle of the night, in all caps. I WANT THE WORLD, yes I now agree. (I really need to pay attention to the things people say to me that I resist, that turn out to be right :D).

but perhaps, yes, we need to want the world :D. doc r and chester too said we need to blurt it out. we want the world, we want this world, this is what we want. we need to be unafraid to want and say the things that we know will make us happy.

when it's from the gut, and it's for the good, there's going to be no stopping it from hurtling into your life. just have your arms out ready, open, waiting to catch, ready to be in the shower of blessings that we all so richly deserve, just for being who we are.

maybe this is what all this heartbreak i'm swimming in right now is all about. all because deep down i know i want the world, and whispered it some time ago, timidly hesitantly, this is what i want.

and so now the world is changing changing changing taking a new form giving birth to new ideas and new situations (my angel card isaiah) and as i cry and rail, i know deep down i am happy, and i wanted this so i could follow my truth, and you could follow yours, and if we act on our truths, we are still loving each other, in various ways and various forms, and there'll we'll be still.

i want the world, with angel astara :)

p.s. vv does angel readings for friends, in continued angel'mazement, and because it helps a lot (to learn, to ask, to get to know). so, you only need to say if you want one. we learn together :)

p.s. bryan, if you find your way here again, i asked if you'll be ok, and my friend the angel daniel came out, said you're going to be married ;). something to look forward to, wouldn't you say? (no, i'm not documenting it, but i want to be there, so there :P)

Incidentally, from ivillage:

February 1: Mercury conjunct Neptune

There are two ways to find your way to the future. Fortunately, or unfortunately, you've got to put them both into operation at the same time to make your dreams come true. First off, you need to visualize what you want -- to see it happening as if you're actually watching it on television. Next, you have to be absolutely, completely sure that you can make that dream a reality. Mercury is in charge of thoughts, and Neptune holds jurisdiction over dreams -- so they're the pair you need to bring about your grand plans. While they're always accessible, they're holding hands at the moment, meaning their influence is just unbeatable. Use it. To the max. It's time.

yuck, kadramahan :P

everyone who's ever truly loved knows how tricky it is seeing an ex in the middle of everything. how tricky it is and yet how essential. how the bittersweetness can drown you caught as you are between the sight of future peace, and the longing for happier times past, made more sweet by the recognition that those won't happen again ever. how you understand everything, and know exactly where you are, and yet can't help tears streaking down your face.

how you almost can't say a thing because you can't hold yourself to anything, not any word, and besides don't want to cause any hurt or harm or pain either in an unwieldy time and place where everything is both happier and more sorrowful. you almost can't say anything because things are moving too fast and the words, once let out, might not be true anymore. and yet you are compelled to speak to commemorate each moment. and yet you are scared to speak for you might be speaking too soon of a future that has yet to fully reveal itself.

luckily, there are many other things to talk about, and love always knows even of things unspoken. and sometimes it knows more of those.

i say it's all about respecting the seasons. there you go. you've fully converted me months after i protested your insight left and right. :D :P why did i somehow expect that to happen? hehehe!

also, i hold in my heart my glimpse of joy, in the hope that in the rightness and ripeness of time, when i am ready, it shall fully open for me again.