missed encounters, malling, and sandalang house movie

"Balikan mo na. Ikaw lang mahihirapan niyan."

And with those emphatic words of advice, said for the nth time, we paid our fare, slammed the cab doors shut, entered the gate and burst into peals of laughter.

"Naluyag ka lang gid pro."
"Sa Tuesday pa ya kuno?! Kadugay pa sang Tuesday! Mercury retrograde gyapon sa Tuesday!"

Yes, it will still be Mercury retrograde on Tuesday, and every day of our lives until August 15, and if you haven't noticed it already, every day is miscommunication and missed-encounter day. :)

Which means, be patient. And try and try again until you succeed. It's not your fault, it's the stars ;))))! And your only obligation is to hold on to your temper, and try once more.

It was immediately clear when we got into the cab at the mall that the young driver was in a foul mood. He muttered something about his "sundo" not showing up, about making him wait, etc etc. I admonished him to keep his cool and drive safely because we were going by EDSA, and to me EDSA is the second worst place on earth, second only to the Quezon City Circle.

Then Priestess and I started making daldal, and didn't mind the driver who kept complaining until he got a call on his cellphone. It became more interesting to eavesdrop. "Sabi mo 6:30," he exclaimed angrily. "Overtime, overtime. Bumiyahe na ako, nag miss call na nga ako sa 'yo."

A little too much emotion involved for a standard taxi pick-up.

"Ano, maaantay mo ba ako? Nasa Cubao pa ako? ..."

Ahh. Suddenly it all clicked into place. "Love pala," Priestess and I wiggled our eyebrows meaningfully. Only love can get you so unearthly upset like that. He must have been sitting there in his cab, waiting with impatience, love and anxiety that something was happening that would put humiliate his love. Love, really.

"Ayaw magpasundo pag wala akong duty. Tapos kung may duty ako, magpapa-sundo. Distorbo pa sa biyahe," he whined. He called "sundo" on his cell again -- worrisome, we were making a turn-- and said, "Ano, malayo pa ako. Sa Tuesday na lang!"

That was when we jumped in. "Puntahan mo na!"

Yes, just do it. Nothing will change from today until Tuesday in terms of missed connections. You might as well try again instead of seething till Tuesday :).

WE sure hope he drove like hell back to behind-the-mall :D.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Ah, the mall. I have missed the mall routine, the relaxing one, not the frantic mall routine or the over-commercialized mall routine. The one where you catch a good movie, walk a bit and admire the sales, try on a pair of shoes, not buy anything, drop by the good bookstore, get a good meal, drop by the booksale, stroll and buy a pretzel, and catch a ride home quickly with a lovelorn driver. Lol. And still have enough energy to try and figure out how to print pdf documents in colored print because your black cartridge has run out.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Linti na langgam! Linti na lipstick!
(the case of ants in the pants, and the missing imported lipstuk)

Enjoyed Sandalang Bahay. Catch it somewhere, sometime.

so sue me

so what if i'm the psychotic girl friend from hell.
no really.
so what?

shouldn't it be as easy as
so what if i'm wearing pink.
so what?

and besides, i exaggerate.
i am not always the psychotic gf from hell.
(i only wear pink every other day)

great things can come in strange packages.

and sometimes,
when i am tired,
i just wanna be the psychotic gf from hell. :D

without anyone having to be the worse or the wiser.

roll eyes here

ex-officemate, long-missing friend ayingging used to tell me about her teammate at another job. ayingging said that in the course of being friends and working together, A learned that teammate i-forgot-her-name (but that's me :D, i forget everything except grudges hehehehe!) preferred a few minutes of peace and hellos as soon as she walked in the office door. she'd get a bit irritated if you jumped on her about work asap, wanted some time to slip into work mode.

isn't love like that? it's knowing the particulars. :) like being soothing and making you feel special after a long period of absence.

love, too particular. (*roll eyes here*)

*************************************

would you agree with this man?

or this woman?

GOOD NIGHT

idK

oh.
i don't know :)
i don't know if in a few hours, the sun will rise in the East.
i don't know why Ovaltine wants me to attend an 8 am meeting when our non-existent contract is ending on Sunday.
i-don't-know happens now and then :)
my sister, too, is in i don't know. and wonders why. and dares ask me who,
"too don't know" :)
let's sit down and hold hands
with i-don't-know
oooh.

vexations

i just got talked down by this bank teller. i was so surprised, i just got red in the face, muttered "suplada" and flounced off. i want to clobber myself now for having missed the chance to tell her not to treat people like they are *really dumb*. it shouldn't matter that i probably looked harassed with gulo-gulo hair and was just wearing a tee shirt.

aaaaargh. i think part of the problem is that the teller assumed "iniisahan ko siya" when i wasn't aware of the rule she was pointing out. i was just in a rush, that's all, and in a hurry to get out and go back to my paper.

i think this happens to a lot of people, including me. we assume "iniisahan tayo" and try to get back. ... but patronizing people are a pet peeve of mine.

so anyway, back at the house, the water gallon has again fallen off the counter, and the kitchen is in centimeter-deep water. what fun.

let me have more of this strawberry yogurt ice cream. ... ?!?! did any of you notice a pint of ice cream now costs over a hundred bucks?????

at the rate am going, i won't be surprised if my cellphone is cut off today. i don't have time to pay today. so let that be an advance warning. call me if you need me :D

ampay

there's this cebuano concept "ampay," that is, if i got it right from my linguistically-schizo family. :P

it's when you're in your bliss doing what you do best or having what you like best, and you just can't get enough. ampay jud. if you're sitting back, scratching your stomach in satisfaction, you could have just come from your ampay. or maybe, you're having your stomach scratched by your loved one, that's ampay too.

i'm doing a short piece analyzing the results of this study on Filipino marriage dissolution, from the perspective of the Vulnerability-Stress-Adaptation Model of Marriage (Karney and Bradbury, 1995).

wahahaha, it is so so so ampay.

stocknowledged

the things one needs to know around here.

popped round from the kitchen, on my way up the stairs, stopped in my tracks by...

ate v (cleaning/ watching tv in the sala) calling out: v, if we have charter change, does that mean there will be martial law?

v (stunned): uh, maybe not.

need the bathroom.

here's to a song of glee

admit it ;))

if you were alive and able to see movies in 1983-1984, this song has magic:

Heres to the old times and the best of new ones
Heres to a song of glee
Finding our way from illusions to realities
Hoping to wake up from this madness
Hoping to see you smile ( ;) )
Pushing our way to the limit of yours and mine

Im growing up, getting down
Putting my both feet on the ground
With all my friends behind me
How can I go wrong this time?
Im growing up, getting down
Think of reality came around
Not just waiting for the daybreak
Expecting the sun to shine
It doesn't shine all the time

am on friendship thoughts this lunch hour because:
1. HB prevailing upon me to make peace with nemesis because she loves nemesis na and nemesis was so nice to me at lunchtime (proof: she said i lost weight ;)) )
2. because dd is also friends with a friend of mine ;)) hahahaha private joke. ... we're back in comfy mode.
3. i wish i could miss class to watch dear friends dress up, dance and sing (and look funny and laugh at themselves hehehe!) "sumayaw, ..." at the parangal ek
4. and because life is good :)

forgiveness

Sometimes I look back and think about past kagulohan, and tsk tsk to myself, and get amazed at how I and others I'm with ever got past those kagulohan. Or sometimes when I think about how much I've changed in some ways, I think about how I was before this and I wonder if I could ever have gotten here if I hadn't been where I was.

And when I do that, I try my best to forgive my past self, the one who understood less, knew less, was more uncertain, had a lot of fears. I forgive my past self who was me at another time, and I forgive myself now for having been that self. I wouldn't be at my better place if I hadn't come from where I come from, if I hadn't been who I was.

I try to do myself this favor regularly. Not because I want to excuse my shortcomings but because I want to give myself credit for wanting to be a better person all the time.

And this takes place every day. :)

winning status message

Boardmember Bans' status message on his yahoo messenger today:

Mahal mo ba ako dahil kailangan mo ako, o kailangan mo ako dahil mahal mo ako?

Hehehe! Ang bongga!

Visit Runes Cafe
Tomas Morato Ave.,
across Chili's

two emails

the one that made me laugh

V!

I'm now off to Maine, the other northern(n) corner of the
US. I should perhaps visit Florida and Souther(n)
California. Then I can claim to have visited the four
corners of the continental US this year. All of my
vacation plans with friends fell in the month of July
this year. Soon I will need a vacation from vacations
:)

I'll try to take more enticing food pictures for you.
I don't take pictures of people because they aren't
edible...unless you are a cannibal :P
I will also try to find more phallic symbols to
entertain you :D

-- from a good friend who's just come back from a vacation in Seattle where it appears from his pictures that only ten people populate that uber cool place, plus this very tall tower they call the Space Needle. hehehe!

FRESHLY ADDED: Pics in question from and by FWI

The Space Needle and FWI's very own


YUM-looking Crabpot Boil :(


FWI Self-portraits
My friend, the First World Imperialist. Thanks for the loan of the pictures! :D


Discover Beach
One of my favorites.

yellow yellow pink!

Image202.jpg
Originally uploaded by Pansy.

it's been some time since the two sisters and i gathered round the flaming cauldron, and exchanged souls... err, witticisms ;) ...err, wisdom :D

apparently, the Universe, in Her all-knowingness, so too noticed. and was only too eager for the exchange of spells to occur, She had to close down two swimming pools to make it happen.

just do it, She said, setting down Knights of Columbus at our own private pool complete with Ramon; and even messed up the usual Plan B, with big Pool Closed signs.

so sit and sip and chew and talk and chuckle did we. even though we had to put on bikinis to do so (maybe next time it won't be necessary!), and lug around all our gear, and spend a fortune on taxi rides.

plus precious to us three is that nobody else quite knows just how much we've all three been thru together. like, really. like really x one million :P

(because at one point, someone had to go to NYC and chat to us from there! :D)

so we got and appreciated the set up, and settled ourselves against each other on a Saturday morning, funky fun footwear and all.

not quite there yet

still negotiating a u-turn.

spent years denigrating, no critiquing with an intelligent eye, the scientific method :D

the reductionism. to pare down the complexity of life to a few variables and a few arrows, and live to tell the tale? make conclusions, recommendations and predictions even :)

to tend to hold invalid one person's in-depth subjective world :D, for reasons of non-replication and non-validation

to generalize to one and all even when women often clearly have a different experience

to develop technology that extracts but fails to give back.

understand, these were my most important readings in women and development. i did reports on the above, and chewed these ideas.

now, i am somewhere that values application of scientific principles to human life. in fact, if you can't do it, you're stuck.

aahh, i am somewhat lost but finding my way.

flailing arms, and all that.

expanding the repertoire

speak softly but carry a big stick

hehe! my 30-second speech that left the class speechless made me pause for thought :D. my certainties make them lose their tongues, so i must regroup my various selves for a powwow.

apparently, i've imbibed this culture/ practice that when certain opinions/ events/ positions come up that are contestable, suspicious or seedy :D, one must speak up to point out :D. one can't let things just pass without comment, can one?

but i don't wanna be the official feminist police, i think! even in the face of remarks like, Filipino women being so caring and nurturing that they rush home to care for kids and household needs even when they are so busy at work is like, our cultural advantage. we're good for it.

hello?! yeah, but have you ever truly taken a good look at the faces of working mothers? can't you see they are so often stressed and worn out with no time for themselves? did you ask how it is being the heroines for such a cultural advantage? :D nowadays it's called the multiple burden, burdens being heavy difficult things, and multiple meaning many heavy difficult things.

or the one about, but aren't women secretly the real power in the family because they know ways to manipulate the men so things can go their way. hello?! if power and resources were already equally shared, then women wouldn't be forced into such a life-enhancing skill as learning to manipulate :D i mean am sure, they'd have lots of other things they could do with the time and energy that would be freed if they didn't have to manipulate. and instead were freely encouraged and enabled to make suggestions and decisions openly, without fear of reprise and reprimand.

so you get what i mean, if that makes you speechless yourself :P

i must learn to provoke thought and discussion, and not just set off the bombs, leaving merely, debris.

hehehe.

are, too

listened intently to alfredo who was in a state over one of the cinemalaya movies. :) won't elaborate, it's his story to tell. however, want to pick up one of his ideas on what is really a movie that's, well, cinemalaya.

he said, the movie that he liked presented "gender concepts" (for lack of a handy term) as givens. the movie showed liberating ideas of personhood, sexuality, humanity, love. in that movie that he liked, as opposed to the movie he objected to, these were, as he said, given.

in the business of advocacy, ... no, scratch that. in the process of creating a better world where more people can breathe better because they can be, it makes a bigger impact when things "are". at least in the way that alternatives are presented. here're our dreams: they already are.

at least that's what i've observed too in the countless trainings on gender-sensitivity and awareness that i have been in. instead of hemming and hawing over potentially controversial ideas (being apologist about it, in a way), a good trainor will forge right ahead and present these as givens. if you're matter of fact and confident, participants will intuit your conviction and sincerity, and take notice. better yet, if you can show (again, matter of factly, as givens) rather than say. if they find the ideas appeal to them, they will mull it over or ask for elaborations and clarifications. in any event, these will stick in their minds, and grow. "aha, puwede pala ganun?"

learned this the long way, you could say. when i was just beginning to facilitate trainings, i agonized about how to show and convince participants that feminism isn't a bad word. but now i go right ahead and say feminist out loud.

contradictory energies

today the sun moves into leo which brings fire -- passion, excitement and go go go energy into our lives.

however, mercury starts to move backward in the sky which means communication breakdowns, a universe-imposted time to review and reflect on your decisions

plus venus moves into virgo which makes it imperative to be particular about those we love.

dig that?

never go home at 11 pm

If Only: The Terror Model to Teaching Appreciation

a list to check if you ought to watch If Only:

1. Do you prefer the straightforward scary approach to learning as opposed to the nurturing subtle approach?

2. Do you have a fear of death?

3. Are you fond of suspense-thrillers and horror movies?

4. Do you think Robert Downey Jr. should be taller?

5. Do you prefer a slap in your face rather than a softer play on your heart, or the tickling of your mind?

Hehehe! I sound too harsh.

The movie's message IS sound. :) Appreciate what you have. Love her/ him/ her/ him (that which floats your boat).

It's just that it really goes out of its way to SHOW you. Hehehehe. Very literal. In your face.

But my, that Paul Nicholls is a cutie.

p.s. gf, thanks. twas fun!

good morning

our early (a very subjective concept) dance:

roommie washing dishes
rice is cooking
i move around her, making coffee

and i can't help myself
i poke her in the side

wahehe!

she jerks, "oist!" and splashes
some water my way
the floor
aargh.

i move to the other side, and
get the canister
i want to poke her other side too.

i resist.

"i'm so good.
i resisted to
itik you."

"yes," she said, "restrain yourself."

i know.

;))

Can I?

I wonder, can I write? I thought of this out of the blue, and asked DD if she thought I could write something worth reading, and write it well. She asked if I had any more silly questions, VV :D.

But seriously. :D

I can put words together, that I have always known from childhood. I could always pass all of my schoolpaper exams, and I loved to read and knew many words.

I took up Journalism in college, not out of an overwhelming desire to be a journalist, but it seemed like, from a long list of the unknown, it was something that I knew I could at least do. I really didn't learn too much in my major college courses, as friends and I from the same college would joke. They didn't either. I guess writing or journalism anyway, is not something that you really really need to study for years to be able to do, and do well. It can help, but it's also really up to you.

I liked college for the perspective it gave me on many things, and not for the journalism courses I needed to pass.

In fact, I often thought, I can put words together, but what shall I write about? My content became my overriding concern, and it amused me once when I hazarded to take the university paper exam, and I knew absolutely next to nothing about the issues they asked applicants to write about. Not surprisingly, I didn't pass.

So I thought leave the writing to those who know a lot, who know more than I do. I will set about trying to know more.

But in fact, I started to earn my living writing. Writing feature stories for a Sunday magazine. It started out ok, but I grew bored with charities and the like. Or perhaps I did not really have the patience to apply myself and improve my craft, without falling asleep in the process.

Then too I fell in love with women and development, and left the magazine. Then I got into my next job which was not primarily writing, but involved that too. My boss could always count on me to write my part in the stories, err reports and proposals, we were weaving together.

Still and all, there were others who could write so much better than I could. A dear older friend would take my draft and fly away with it, till it became a beautiful piece of work no one could argue with. Her words can take your breath away. We have always urged her to write her novels.

Plus the fact that I can't write in Filipino. It frustrated me that I can't write in Filipino when there is so much that can be done if only one could.

Then I came upon this blog. You can say this blog has saved me from myself. :D I can write at will about anything in the world, and sometimes be read, and sometimes not, and it's just about me and my little world. I can be utterly careless with my grammar, whether I capitalize or not. As I said, a way to soothe myself.

There are days that are so much easier for my blogging. On days like this I would blog before I would work, because it seems like I can't work unless I get some stuff out of my system.

But then again, this isn't really writing. I wonder still if I can. And I will never know I guess unless I do.

Advice

I am lying in the middle of bed, horizontally, legs crossed in the air, wondering if dare i suggest that you read Should You Leave?

Might it not be the last thing I ought to do, to suggest so directly, and thus, destroy in one fell swoop any chances that you would do so?

I myself am in the middle of many dilemmas, to read further and further, ignoring my need to get my pink pen and mark the passages that move me or make me think or make me laugh? Or why not stop and ponder these passages more in the silence of my room in the middle of bed, in the middle of fever breaking?

If I left the book lying around somewhere you might find it, would you pick it up and read one of my smileys or two, or find for yourself, bits of you and me and us together in the stories and the thoughts and the adventures of intimacy and autonomy? Or would you ignore such a pointed hint, knowing already that this is a book I am presently holding close to my chest?

Or maybe I have, in the course of being a weird girl who reads "self-helpy" books for fun, already made too many suggestions and recommendations, that you can't help but think, oh, this is another one of those, and one that can wait. It too, shall pass, like some of my enthusiasms? I understand that over-enthusiasm can be off-putting, and drive one to retreat, instead.

Or how about if i read to you or tell you some of the stuff in it that excited me, would that interest you too? And would some of the warm glow and expanded understanding that I have experienced, rub off too on you?

But maybe this book is really all about me, and I am the one who needs to read it. I should quit wanting to share all my I-likes with all my I-likes, them who are also preoccupied with all their They-Likes or They Like Not. (But what about the part where he, a guy, discusses and enthuses over what a feminist psychologist pointed out, that in modern society, too much is made of autonomy at the expense of the special skill in connection that women have? That couples will seek partners for their ability to be autonomous, and yet give no value for the special skill to connect? Was that not food for thought?)

(But don't let me give you the wrong idea here either. Kramer doesn't simply make the case for connection. Rather he even goes on at length about the need to stay yourself in groups, in interpersonal relations. Still, he tends to want to tell those who want to bolt their relationships because they can't stay, to stay and try it the other way; and those who can't leave because they want to connect, to leave.)

Maybe I can leave it to chance, knowing that the books we need to read will come upon us. After all, I was looking for Kramer because of his other book Listening to Prozac that is listed on my syllabus, but I ended up with Should You Leave? instead.

Maybe I should just blog.

updates: the life of me

am losing a job. i might be gaining one. (i don't know. i've changed. other "jobs" might be opening somewhere else where i might not only be useful but growing. shall i create them? hehehe!)

my relationship with "ovaltine" has progressed too quickly. first, we were making all these arrangements for our first date. but we ended up talking a lot but not eating anything (waaaaah). then so soon, we have already progressed to apologies. apologies for missing our second date. not only did it promise lack of food again, i am also sick. as i asked priestess, does she think we will make it?

maybe it's because of peter. third-party peter kramer has gotten in the way. i am crushing big time on peter who popped up over the weekend. i can't put him down.

or maybe because of alaxan. i've renewed my relationship with alaxan. exercise snubbed me and gave me body pains, and fever. alaxan breaks my fever quite quickly. or maybe it was the coffee.

Just messing around while the sky showers. Or is that roommie? She left me snuggled up on the half-couch with the fuschia whatchamacallit pulled up, with Peter and Cameron close to me (ahh Cameron. He's a bit old though.) She insists on showering.

What, already? And it's only Monday.

:P

going the extra lap

still and all, I have learned.

that there is always always always better timing at work in the world than i can ever hope to set up (hehe!) and i am glad to learn to make it work for me

that i can have endless patience, and then snap, and it needs keen observation to figure out the breaking moment. and the person responsible to make sure that that moment is known to myself, or is intercepted (before the world explodes)... is me (hehehe).

that after all, all that we need ever ask of ourselves, and our intimates, is mindfulness. that we are are aware and are mindful of where we are and what we are doing. to be our mind's little person, so to speak, observing what we are thinking and feeling. and we can only hope that our loved ones also be mindful of us, and us of them.

that i do want to grow :D. and that you can always stick with the people who want to grow too.

swimmingly

i wonder why we hardly ever get to spend our weekends or bits of our weekends together. well, we do, sort of.

i would like to :). weekends are my specialty. i love weekends, love that the sun can shine or it can rain, and you can be (deadlines and other anxieties be damned). i love that time can stretch interminably or shorten quickly like multi-colored rubber bands. that there are chunks of time, and loads of ways to hang out, like pulling each other's hair, eating food in all sorts of unhealthy combinations, getting some fresh air, catching movies, walking. walking, walking, walking. there are places with less cars and less smoke on a weekend.

or reading. reading, reading, reading. it's not even that i don't get to enjoy my weekends because i do. weekends just are.

but hardly a weekend goes by when i don't wonder at some point, why there's a weekend, and there isn't you in it. (awww. sad.)

;)

going back to one of JT's

while i tend to keep my friends, my books and even my clothes that don't fit me anymore (lol), i tend to get really sick of songs i really really liked for a loooooong time. after college, there was a time when we were really into carole king, carly simon and james taylor (yes i was at his concert at the folk arts theater, and yes, nobody does it better, makes me feel sad for the rest... where you lead, i will follow ... up on the roof ;))

but blame it on the music compilation at the spa we go to. it brought back this song (seriously that compilation could drive you to weeping if you were having a massage and feeling heartbroken):

If I present it to you with a flower in the moonlight, shiny and new,
well, you couldn't say no tonight, if I keep my heart out of sight.

thanks dd for the taytol.

Ghost in the Footspa Machine

Ghost in the Footspa Machine
Originally uploaded by Pansy.

whoooops!

ouch.

that hurt.

(always taking things in the spirit in which they were not intended. hehehe.)

The Thursday Scene

So we're in our moody-looking sala (read: with soft lighting because the fluorescent light refuses to turn on), watching/listening to tv (roommie is watching while am transfixed by my email that i resisted the entire day in order to finish my readings and my succinct one-page paper, goodie ;) ), having coffee, and getting ready to know more about marriage.

Isn't that cute? Two single women in their thirties on a Thursday night about to venture into marriage :D. It's so cute I want to say it again. Yes, we're going to learn all about marriage! Hehehe!

Technically, I am since it's my class. But as everyone within sitting distance knows, they also get to know what I manage to know in them classes.

So, I am not learning about marriage in order to get married ;) but because when one studies family and family relations, marriage is part of it.

Ah, but even without them readings, you'd be surprised. I know some things. Lol!

I used to say I could never counsel two sides of an "issue" or rather two persons involved in a situation. Too difficult! But maybe I meant, not with friends anyway.

But sometimes these days, I wonder if I would be any good at couples counseling. Would I kick the man out on the butt ;)? Hehe. But sometimes I think I could do it.

I'm sure I'll find out one of these days.

Sun Conjunct Venus

WAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA.

WALA. ;))

Ganyan lang talaga ako.

Humahalakhak mag-isa.

Wahahahahaha.

Sun Conjunct Venus makes me so happy.
;))

wadever wadever. :P

an introvert's high school memory ;))

when i was a high school little girl (as opposed to being a 30+ little girl), my gf and i loved the movie SOONER OR LATER, starring Rex Smith (yeah, that curly haired thingie hehehe) and of course, Jessie :) (i don't know the teen actress' name :) ).

and that movie was actually based on a book. and the book actually had a sequel WAITING GAMES. my gf and i then, we were huge fans of these books, and that movie, and this song.

Stars that glisten
Lips for kissin'
Honey, listen
It's true
No one ever
Loved ya better
Love ya honey
I love you

love pie

but but but ....

but isn't it that way naman talaga?

life and loving can be, and are, too, scary, and heavy, and all that.
it's true.

it's also true that it can also get warm, and cozy, and funny, and fun, and fuzzy, and sexy, and all that.
that's true too.

but it's only pie when you make the filling with the crust, and put whipped cream on top. it's not pie when you just have the fluff without the substance (the mango bits!).

baking can be hot work.
(but what do i really know, our oven is still "virgin" hehehe)

pie for two. to go.

but anyway.

back to that salad. ;))

company

the times that i miss birthday girl the most is when i long for company i won't need to speak to :) ... when we don't have to say anything to each other (when there is nothing urgent that needs to be shared) but we want the pleasure of each other's presence ... usually while reading ... in case any of you were wondering if we were just staring into space hehehe! ... and because lately i've been wanting, and having to read a lot, and sometimes want company other than mine, but can't speak while reading ... gf, i think of you a lot (hehehehe!)

this dynamic comes up a lot too with bf, this not needing to speak in the company of :), but maybe sometimes too much. with little time together, i worry and compensate for all the other-me's that aren't in the moment but wanted to share in their particular moment already past, and stuff the moment too full ;)). because i liked those other-me's too (lol) but they already got up and left the table, and went somewhere else, and i worry that they left no forwarding address.

i worry too much, little fussbody me. :)

day off

at the start of the week, i left town (lol, not too far) with 20 friends/ sorta officemates, in high spirits.

:D

i missed them :D
i missed being in a large group of people whom you know and who know you :D
i missed having to be somewhere at 8 am or else i would be left behind, and i enjoyed harassing all my seatmates at the meeting place, in the van, at the conference room :D

i spent most of the day in the meeting on Fiolo laftaf, putting together some reports needed during the meeting. i enjoyed it :D. i missed having to do something that would be useful to many, and not just to me.

i enjoyed the meals together.
i enjoyed flirting with them, boys and girls alike, and i enjoyed whispering/ writing notes, analyzing, while the meeting was ongoing.
oh, i also enjoyed taking note of the differences in process and participation, between regimes :D

still, long after my enjoyment had run its course, and the day had technically ended and a new day begun, they were still meeting! under the rain.

lol. that part, i didn't long for. and by that time, i was panicking about wanting to go home, and having to read :P

isang tagay ;)

ay nakadaan ka na.

happy birthday tita eds ;)! nawa'y nakakasuot ka na naman ng mini-skirt diyan sa iyong Alemanya. nawa'y magaling ka na mag-German, at sana makamit mo ang iyong mga inaasam-asam. :)

am tired of titles :D

you know when the "missing-moment" fills you?

popped up online, after dialing THAT prepaid isp one million times. to see if he's online.

he's not.

;))

i love psychology+

YES, it's true. I LOVE psychology.

I find all my classes interesting. I look forward to reading my readings. The discussions always make me want to go off and read further on spin-off topics. I borrow related books from the library and surf the net for more information and articles by the theorists. I wonder how the various concepts can be used and are being used in therapy, I am fascinated by the real-life therapy stories told by teachers. I want to get to know my teachers, find out how they got to be who they are (hehehe). I even take note of how they teach their classes, for in case I get to teach the same classes in the future.

I also love going on a psychological-labeling spree (pinning psycho-pathologies on each other and pointing out psych processes that we come across in daily life) with roommie, another psych major, and one of my alleged role models (hehehe!). Indeed, it becomes a daily case of a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

To be honest though, I am not yet a good student. With the load that I have, I do have to read everyday. But my absorption is still slow, sometimes I need to reread the readings to internalize them. Plus I am still learning the language and the concepts so am not yet very articulate. You know when you are starting to understand but can't say? Also, my concentration is shot when I get upset over my life. But I do have to push myself to speak out more in classes -- to maximize this moment, so to speak (and my tuition hehehe). I can't help but speak out only on those occasions when people say something i totally disagree with. Then, I get all red in the face and sputter my protest (hehehe!). I do want to experience my classes fully as this semester won't happen again :). I want to be in this now.

Still and all, it's grand. (A far cry from forcing myself to get curious about economics, hehehe. If I tried really really hard, I could get a spark. But nothing like this.)

So there. I just wanted to say. Now I have to go catch my thoughts for my thought paper due later. They're still at large. And I'm getting alarmed.

:) +

Today’s a funny day. My Wednesday teacher was hilarious in acting out her examples to the various concepts that make up the object relations approach to personality. Like mirroring. She said with the “mirroring” concept, she understood how it is that couples in love can spend hours just staring at each other without talking. It’s just like staring at yourself in the mirror. It can be terribly fascinating. For isn’t it that when you’re in love, you’re mirrored: “Here at last, is someone who sees me! And thinks my rabbit teeth are great!”

Anyway, it was interesting finding out about object relations – about how babies start to find/ lose security/ love/ warmth in their first objects (usually the mother’s breast) and how their reaction to this can start off emotional patterns that they can take to adulthood if unresolved. I kid you not, it’s not some far out sci-fi fantasy, it can actually all sound very possible. So much so that now I want to study more about this approach, and go into therapy myself (hehehehehe). Just to get clarified on some of my more destructive emotional habits :D Or maybe I really just want to talk some more about this stuff with a practicing therapist.

Especially after yesterday.

I was sat in class yesterday in depressed mode as I had been the entire morning, precisely wondering about my emotional dilemmas, and wondering what should be the lesson for me in this current impasse. It was such a repetitive and real situation, and tiring too, that it’s quite clear as day that I have to learn something from this. So I was sat there, half-listening to my Tuesday teacher, not meeting anyone’s eyes and thinking if there was something really wrong with how I was feeling about this certain emotional issue, and half-thinking that I should really go and talk to someone about it, just to get a perspective. (It gets tiring analyzing yourself, and putting it aside doesn't always work.)

So anyway, so many of the things that unknowing Tuesday teacher said spoke to me as I was sat there, facing him by the aisle at the very end of the room. We have been discussing the various stages of personality development, and have just gone past the part where it says daughters develop fascination for their dads, and sons get more attached to mothers. And Tuesday teacher was saying that a parent’s “abandonment” often has many traumatic effects on children, especially a dad’s leaving on daughters. I put abandonment in quotes because we’re not talking here about parental fault, but certain circumstances, and how a child chooses to react to these, and how sometimes this reaction carries over till adulthood as an emotional habit, or schema.

After the lecture, as has been our routine, teacher set aside some time for meditation. And this session he had us go back to the time when we were six. Immediately I was in the house that I grew up in when I six, I could not see myself but I could see inside the house with “my” eyes, as a six-year old. I was going around the house kitchen to dining to sala, back porch to aratilis tree to laundry area and some of the scenes from those times flashed thru my mind. One of this was of me sitting on my dad’s thigh, as kids will. At this point, I started getting weepy so in the middle of meditating, I kept wiping my eyes with my fingers (how embarrassing was this, right, in a semi-public situation), but as what happens when you start to cry, you can’t just stop. Especially when the scene became my mom and I listening to voice tapes from my dad when he spent six months in Japan around that time. And I remembered he used to send letters addressed to me when he was away then. Oh dear. I had to reach over into my bag for my pack of tissues for by this time I was crying complete with sipon.

Of course, Tuesday teacher NOTICED me by this time. He came over to me, and said, just go with it. And “you’re a good girl, you’re a good girl.” He ended the session by saying for everyone to look to him and smile.

Smile. It was a good experience despite the crying jag. I realized I have “abandonment” issues (nobody’s fault, ok these things happen) and I had joked about this to a loved one last week. IT WAS A JOKE when I said that. Hehehe. I can probably say that I do have abandonment issues from past lovers but this was the first time I learned of abandonment issues from childhood.

Anyway, earlier in the class someone had asked teacher what should be done about past traumas? And one of the things he said was about staying in the now, leaving the past, and dealing with the actual issue/crisis happening.

Time to deal :)

P.S. Incidentally, about ten years ago when my dad was leaving for another stint abroad, I spent hours on the phone with an ex, crying over it. Which was a bit strange considering that by that time I'd lived away from home for eight years already! Anyway. ;)) I'd always remembered that incident because ex was so pleased with me then (how strange that as well).

The Tuesday Something Extraordinary Happened

you know how these things go. you're in a particular context, with a particular mind-set, with a particular state of spirit, at a particular spot, at a particular time. and something happens that seems to have been meant JUST FOR YOU. ;)) that you never expected.

You, Universe, you're very naughty. Thank you (but did it really have to be with 15 other people??!!!? hahahaha. It's pretty hard not to judge one's feelings, to just experience them, when one finds one's self crying in a room with 15 strangers.)

Will write it up some time :).

this week's forecast

There is a New Moon in Cancer, V, which sets the stage for new beginnings within your current relationships. As Saturn prepares to leave Cancer for another twenty-nine and a half years, you have learned a number of lessons about your relationships. You now know a great deal more about which ones really do work and which ones may not be in your best interest. This is your chance to take the initiative and to focus on creating a strong bond that will develop and get stronger as time goes by.

the real reason

the real reason am more comfortable on the desktop than Piolo laftaf is because i had my desktop table especially made to be shorter, many years ago.

hehehehe.

and Piolo gets too hot on my lap. :P

sandy dreams

in two weeks we are going to the beach :D

we are going because three people are celebrating birthdays :D

and we would like to celebrate on their behalf :D

hehehehe.

not one, not two, but three excuses.

and these three people won't even ever know :D

hahaha.

p.s. oh tita e, your birthday warrants a different celeb. take your pick: mishka adams? brass monkeys? oyster boy? you pick, we do. ;) lab you :P you are always thought of. so far away. why doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore. it would be so fine to see your face at my door. -carole king :)

it "pang"-ed

alarmed by the sight of my beloved nemesis' files on one of my tables, i frantically burned my files onto various cd's, wanting to erase all traces of me from what was once my territory and soon to be favorite nemesis'.

burning done with, i took a deep breath and pressed the delete button. three times for three directories.

v_as_herself
v_2004
v_2005

owwwwww. owwwww. owwwww. my life and times for 8 years. my personal files, letters, bills, thoughts, resources, diary entries, chat logs, music files, lyrics, and a million and one pictures.

gone. never to be found in that hard drive again. (windows prompt: this directory is too large for the recycle bin. delete permanently?). delete, indeed. like i was never here.

thank goddess for nero :D.

for as long as ...

as sung by my old favorite Ms. Julia F. the androgynous daw (hehehe)


As long as we have hope, prayer, and a little bit of time to
Get us there, hope, prayer and time
-- written by Gary Clark