writing reports

perhaps psychotherapy is about creating spaces for that which is hidden/ repressed, and that which is yet to be. and saying, ok. recognizing and allowing. there is no good no bad, just flow.

*ruminating about a client: perhaps if you allowed yourself to need them (though they could hurt you, and they have), then they would feel needed, and could let go a little. such was the divide that you got hold of all the independence, and they the attachment, but if you could both learn to share the load, and ease up on the roles, then each would be free to ride the tide.*

perhaps psychotherapy is looking out for the one who's sorely preoccupied on the "lack" or the "loss" until having fully occupied the space for lost, he or she is left no choice but to look up and around. and see the bigger view.

sintonado na kung sintonado

masarap kausap masaya kasama nakakatawa seryoso masayahin nalulungkot din nagtatanong tahimik di ako sineseryoso sineseryoso ako naniniwala sa sarili natatawa sa sarili masarap kumain hindi puro pagkain maporma poging walang paki sa suot laging mabango naaasar iswit kyut matalino mapagmahal marunong mag-alaga nagbabasa nagsusulat bukas natututo nakakausap tama na usap yakap na lang korni astig nakikipagkaibigan di nagsasabay ng karelasyon alam na hindi siya mas nakakataas marunong sumunod marunong din manguna lumalangoy naglalaba nagluluto naglilinis nakikipaglaro sa bata marunong makiramdam pa-kiss nga kung sakali ikaw na yata.

existential sexy-stential

February is sexy.

wala lang. hehe.

just to check where you are in your layp right now,

get a pen and paper,

draw three balloons held by you :),

write in balloon 1what do you think is worth dying?

in balloon 2: if you had 1 week to leave what would you do?

and balloon 3: at present, how would you define love?

(stolen straight from my psychotherapy class but don't you think it's worth answering)

zee movies

i used to have zees declamation peeez dat involved a Russian ballet teacher. but anyway :D

i am loving my 2007 moveeez.

zeee blockbuster

roommmie can't get her head around jackie chan, but zis movie was quite hilarious. we almost had zee heart attack, and lotz of rolling around zee aisle ... laughing.

zee critically-acclaimed film

diz feeelm is fulll of crazeeees. a pedophile you wish to love ... not... yes ... not... it's your choice ... and other crazeees. it had my sister hiding behind the seats, but as her 13-year-old self used to say to my 28-year-one, "it's ace!"

zee literary film


oooh, it's deliciouz. emma thompson as the loony author with the writer's block is preciouz. as well as the lit professor tootsie, err, the rainman, nope, dustin hoffman. such cuties!

fresent

UY!

February na!

Ano kaya ang February?

Flowing? Fertile? eFFervescent?
Futuristic? Forever?
Fantabulous?
Feaceful? Fanicky?
Feeling-ed? Fashionable?

Full of flavor.

vayu

MIMI
Just came to say
Goodbye love
Goodbye love
Goodbye love
Goodbye

bad trip ang lowlah mo. sa totoo lang, mahal ko kasi ang kaibigan kong yon eh. sa dami dami na nang pinagdaanan namin, i always felt that he was special to me, and i to him. sabi niya pa nga bago siya nag-abroad, "let's have tea."

pero di natuloy. ayos lang. di ko lang maiwasan na magtaka kung bakit sa kabila ng sandamakmak na major things na nangyari sa kanya, never akong chinika ng bading friend. wala lang. kasi dati naman, madali lang mag cavort online and off, and laugh in the face of everything. dagdag pa chinika niya na yata all our other friends online except me. tapos, parang not once not twice but three times kong kinilabit ang bading online para mangumusta. but no. not a word in reply.

mas nalowka ako. ano kaya, may isyu na naman kaya ito sa akin? kaya medyo alanganin ang lowlah mo makita muli ang bading friend kagabi kasi di nga alam bakit ganun ang standing. pero warm naman si ex gay best friend. nag hug pa nga and ask, kumusta na? hug back naman ako, natuwa. sabi ko, kasi ikaw di mo ako kinakausap.

nakooowww. sabi ng ex bf, busy kasi ako eh. oh shit you. ganun? after everything. after may i knock ka in the middle of the evening sa aming munting apartment, in tears, at may i hanap ng comfort? after mega text ka for angel reading kasi may sakit ang jowa mo? pagkatapos ng lahat lahat, sasabihin mo lang busy ka? eh samantalang kinausap mo na lahat except me?

ooooh shieeet talaga. yan naman ang, he's just not into you. di ko nakuhang di magreact at di ko yata inasahan ang ganung "excuse." may i walk off ang lowlah mo and may i mukmok! yes, mukmok is a choice. hihihi. super nice pa rin ang friend, but di ko talagang makuhang chumika.

hurt ang beauty ko.

ang cute

i just basically, as chester said referring to something else, "don't make any sense." i don't mind that i don't. i just want to take note that ... i really don't make any sense, hahaha. how wonderpul.

kasi, alam ko na ayaw mo na. ahhh, hindi ko alam kung dahil hanggang noo na ang trauma mo sa akin; o, dahil ayaw mo na lang talaga sa akin (i don't interest nor attract you no more ... alam mo na, yong sabi ng book na sobrang naging hit, he's just not into you blah di blah na yon); o baka naman, in this time of our lives, mas ikaw ang mature at may EQ sa ating dalawa, at alam mo na tama na, wag na.

minsan, natutuwa nga ako na ayaw mo na. kasi di na ako nagugulo, nacoconflicted, naguguilty, naloloka. hindi ko na kailangan mag-respond kasi di ka na nangangailangan ng response. di ko kasi kayang di mag-respond. (kaya naman pero kung sunod-sunod na, nahirapan ako).

pero, gusto pa rin kitang kausapin. tungkol sa akin. lagi pa rin kitang iniisip. wish ko pa rin na ikaw pa rin yong iniisip kong ikaw (hetooo na, hetoo na, waaah, wahhh, doo bee doo bee doo, doo bee doo bee doo). kahit na my subjective regard does not match the objective conditions. hahaha, promise. that's the part that doesn't make sense the most.

hindi sa mahal pa rin kita. o dahil sa meron akong wow glorious grand unconditional love sa yo. kasi man, that's crap :D. i'd like to believe i'm smarter than that. puwede pa nga natin sabihin na isang malaking parte nga yon ng problema, ang aking super conditional pagmamahal sa yo. (baka yong other half ng problem ay wala kang love sa akin, unconditional man or otherwise.)

sana lang, naintindihan/ maiintindihan mo rin ako somehow someday sa heaven hehehe, na baka lang din, may sense naman ang lahat ng inalay ko sa yo (lab, galit, kaguluhan, friendship, blah di blah di blah).

at sadyang ganun laang.

vee, d'you oke?

some singing statistics ;))

1. song of the night: no arms. whuwaaaht?, you might ask. is there such a song ... no arms?!?!? yes, no arms... yes it sounds suspicious, strange. but you'd be surprised. you probably know it, i betcha. and can sing it with all your heart. yes, i swear. you wouldn't expect so. but here it goes. world, sing no arms.

No arms can ever hold you
more than I do
No man can ever love you
No,it's true
No arms can ever hold you
more than I do
You came to me from heaven,
girl,it's true.
and if I ever lose your love,
If I ever lose your heart
Oh baby,
I'm dying for your love

good, eh? ;)) that's by chris norman for you. who? yeah.

2. my favorite rave reviews of the night:

* "V!! it's only a song!!!"

* "V, sa 'yo ang red, sa'kin ang blue!!" hahahaha. such is life. you can't pick and choose your lines. so what if i want to be rick springfield. in the eyes society, i can only be randy crawford. ;))

3. my favorite songs sung:

One Hello (Randy Crawford)
Coz love begins with one hello
The hardest part is over
Now it's easy letting go
One hello is how it starts
You might win it all or lose your heart
If you're not afraid
Of what you feel
Then try and keep it simple
Or try and keep it real
And if being real means
Means you'll some day will say goodbye
Remember my friend
Goodbye's not the end
It's a circle you know
And it starts with one hello

Love Me for What I Am (The Carpenters)
If what you want
Isn't natural for me
I won't pretend to keep you
What I am I have to be
The picture of perfection
Is only on your mind
For all your expectations
Love can never be designed
We either take each other
For everything we are
Or leave the life
We've made behind
And make another start
You've got lo love me
For what I am
For simply being me
Don't love me
For what you intend
Or hope that I will be
And if you're only using me
To feed your fantasy
You're really not in love
So let me go
I must be free

nahumaling

oh dear, i haven't slept.
silly girl.
and am supposed to finish
two important things
today that require a
working brain.

ooops.

and i've just realized
my other memory card is
missing.

hmmm.

*yawn*

maligayang kaarawan africa ;)

mwehehehe

Tonight I celebrate my love for you
It seems the natural thing to do
Tonight no one's gonna find us
We'll leave the world behind us
When I make love to you
Tonight I celebrate my love for you
And hope that deep inside you feel it too
Tonight our spirits will be climbing
To the sky lit up with diamonds
When I make love to you tonight

Tonight I celebrate my love for you (ooh)
And that midnight song is gonna come shining through
Tonight there'll be no distance between us
What I want most to do
Is to get close to you tonight

Tonight I celebrate my love for you
And soon this old world will seem brand new
Tonight we will both discover
How friends turn into lovers
When I make love to you

hark the herald angels sing

dear god/goddess and attending angels ;)

need help :) must finalize our group therapy project soonest, and need help sheperding those who are meant to be in our group as participants. have been trying for last month, still no final group. please point us to the right people and the right people to us. even a change of focus is ok, if that's what's needed.

also, finishing up at practicum site one (thank you for that btw, i wasn't originally intended for that but the synchronicitous events led me there to much satisfaction :) ) and need help finalizing the second site. sana, where i can learn the most from people i can be with in the future (e.g. i need to be working in the future, possibly in June? hehe).

thank you. and also help me to relax enough for my two other counseling endeavors that are ongoing. as i might tend to forget that the most important thing is being there. you know, performance anxiety and all that.

and lastly, two of the more good-looking living things i've "met" lately are eula v and bor-g. hehe. his dad's really proud, btw.

:D

a ba ka da e ga ha i la ma na ng o pa ra sa ta u wa ya

i like myself today because

i felt like the good chicken wrap i had for lunch
and walked in a light shower to the
green tea shake i liked
and sat outdoors

i walked to two offices lightly politely
waving my receipt
and came upon t laden with copies
of readings (smile)

and at the end of the day, i finished the report
i was doing at work and gave it to
the boss, who laughed at
my lame joke and

as i ran out the door to meet my sister who
was waiting for me there she was
sat on a bench outside
my office in a

white skirt and my grey (as she is English)
tank top and she told me how as
she read this anthology for
class she opened randomly

and came upon this story that sounded like
someone i knew who had long hair
and it really did read like
someone i loved

and it was he.
then we walked to this coffee shop
across the road to meet a friend who wanted
something and is like

more kulit than anyone i know
including me and i had some
of her brownie and really good coffee
but after she blurted

out her story she said we could go
now, and so we had to go and leave her
there as she insisted though
we could have hung out more.

hehe.

* * *

dear ate nina,

as i walked to buy the green tea shake
i was murmuring about earlier
i thought about writing you
to say thank you for the
lovely birthday letter
you wrote me and visiting
everyday from senegal...
from senegal?! yes from
senegal... and also
thanks for leaving
me, no, insisting that
i must read your copy
of nicola barker's
love your enemy for
i have finally gotten
around to it, and my
is it yummy, for
who else is there
to love really
but our enemy?

and the stories are
so quirky normal
and strange and
fun and weird
and nice to
read and
think about like
learning to read
literature from
your obscene phone
caller, so there
s'long and thanks
for (all the)
book(s).

hehe.

* * *

and the thing is
i am just busy
and preoccupied
with all the things
that i need to do
and things i'm
disappointing myself
with momentarily
mainly/all about me
but it won't stick
really just that
i am stuck
in the self unit
but not really.

hehe.

* * *

sometimes i really
do think i'm better
than everyone else
and but of course
am not at all, but
since it's me, it's
no harm at all,
and it's the loveliest
thing that it's not true
but still i think it.

"ay, hala" as d would say.

hehe.

* * *

and the thing is just
as i have finally finally
gotten the hang of
waking up early in the
am again which i haven't
done since, like, high
school, it's starting to
be natural again,

but now my 100 hours are
almost over.

though i still have 100
more to go.

* * *

this practicum is like
a gift with
all the things
i get done for it.

the gift of completion
is truly what i need.

bleeeh :p

hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit sila nagpapaputok?

i can't move
as am sitting on my hand
so's it won't text you
as who knows where
that might lead
again,
hehe.

it's hard enough not being
pleased with myself.

my wiring might be a lil mad, no?
;))

* * *

i can't stand the suspense
of important things
i need to do tomorrow.

especially as it'll
be far too early
in the day.

ugh.

the anxiety of being sleepy
will keep me awake!

* * *

ever since i was a lil girl
i've always disliked
Sunday late afternoons
to evenings

such that Mondays never
turn out half as bad.
half-ass bad.

* * *

this could be the year
i will be so emotionally unstable
that next year nothing
will ever faze me.

or now. even now.
what is there to fear, but ...

sprites in formal attire

thank you

when it's your birthday, it's like there's a stream of love directed straight at you that shows itself in the cellphone's tireless beeping :)

thank you, all. i haven't been able to get back to all of you yet, but i will. am sorry for missing all the international calls. aside from the usual (silent mode, class, low batt), i am suspicious of anonymous numbers :D but i thank you for trying all the same.

same time, next year, eh? ;)

I work hard (he works hard) every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end (at the end of the day)
I take home my hard earned pay all on my own
I get down (down) on my knees (knees)
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord, somebody, somebody, ooh somebody
(Please) Can anybody find me somebody to love ?

i don't know why I do it, really. seek love from you repeatedly, like some hapless child snatched of its glittery toy. over and over again, a record spinner gone wrong. and all because at some point in your life, and my life, we exchanged some well-intentioned ill-thought out promises gone super awry. it was such a long time ago, and so much time has passed. these are already tired and trite reasons for hanging on to you, and wilted hopes. i should already know, and have learned, and moved on to something more true, and sweeter. the promise of freedom from the scent of flowers stuck in the moment should be enough.

i feel sorry for you, too. nothing you do will ever be right or be enough, given the weight of all the things that have gone wrong. i apologize repeatedly for hurting you at moments when i cannot help but leak or burst out of the self-contained containers i try to put myself in in my encounters with you. some people can take it, and will let me, and there would have been no need for the apologies. but i know you too well, part-twin of my contradictory soul, and know that your fragile self that dares reach out so rarely, snaps shut with every hurtful word, meant only to convey a need for more constant attention and affection. that's all. people do it every day, why can't you? why can't we? silly, silly me.

i need for you to dance with me. with my commander personality, i need only for you to cooperate. to come when needed, to stay away when i have to be alone. but your only rule is to break all my rules: whatever i say you go against. don't flirt with my friends, there you go. i'll make time when i can but if you're not coming when i am free please don't stress me out for i am super stretched, and that's when you come knocking. what about my bags? the other people who need me and whom i love? my work? i cannot let them go to pot just because it is at this moment you want to show love. yes, i love you too, but please i need your cooperation. do it for me, for love?

chastised by my better self, and lured by the peace of mind that comes when we are nowhere near each other, i have said goodbye repeatedly. in fact, i do it all the time. and gone for weeks and weeks without you. then we say hello, again, and my eyes sparkle at the thought of building a constant friendship with you. i want to be understood by you, and i want you to feel that i understand you. who will believe me when i say i am better at it each time. i weep now but i am far from the grieving woman i was last year. i am.

i am distressed by having quarreled with you again. birthdays are such an emotional time. everyone's text messages make me want to cry. who would know Capricorns wanted to be loved so badly? so let them, let you, let me.

i'm reading a new book, Sacred Contracts by Caroline Myss. As what happens in book-reading, I find it quite apt :). fascinated as i have been lately with dream analysis, this book asks the same thing -- take a step back, and ask yourself, what does it symbolize? this person, these people who drive you to the edge of the universe and leave you there, what do they stand for? in the grand scheme of things, in the contract that you hold with the Divine, what did/do they teach you?

what, indeed? what?

hehehe.

much easier to answer is what you hope (you wish) you symbolize to other people...

i wish i symbolized "love and intimacy, if only you would allow it" ... yes, i believe in self-serving hypothesis.

or i serve as a reminder of what you still need to pay attention to, despite everything you've been and are.

i just want a january one post.

if i asked you, would you say yes, and do it? ;)

yes, 2007.

having fun with the sibs

do you know? no one reads me anymore ;))). i need new friends! hehehe.

i actually enjoyed my Christmas break :) (i didn't expect to, but that's just me being a sourpuss hehe). i enjoyed being photog at the Towers family reunion, it gave me something fun to do, at a series of events that are most fun for the kids, i think. as older single adults, i always feel a lil bit misplaced at Towers reunions simply because of the numbers. my brother and i are very out-numbered by the attached and the rearing. that's not a bad thing either, but what happens when you're with people who think they mean well, and probably do somehow mean well, and also do not know you very deeply, is that they focus on your status and your size/ shape. that convoluted sentence meaning that they will think what is primary about me is why the heck am i still single, and why the heck do i look like the way i do,... fat! me being me, i do not actually bleed because am not partnered or because i look like a pear. i know i could look better, be healthier; also know that i would like to be partnered, but still. i am actually happy. hehehe. and what i am offended about is not their seeing that i am a single pear, but judging me for it. like, something is wrong with me bcause i am one. as if, twin bananas made a fruit salad. the thing is, i happen to be a single smart funny loving grouchy angry sweet sourpuss pear. and besides, i like many fruits. so there. but tell that to the ignorant. (as you can see, i lapse into pseudo-superiority in self-defense. but rest assured, in my heart of hearts i know that they are simply human, like me, and beyond the judgments, they are also affectionate and loving. oh well.)

but as i was saying, a fine time was actually had by all (of me, teehee). i ate lechon five meals in a row. now that sounds simply horrible but i only actually get to have lechon at Christmas. it was soooo yummmy. wehehehehe. then, daddy drove us to my grandma's in most roundabout fashion, including a trip to the gorgeous waterfalls pictured below. said waterfalls involved 430 steps going up and down. that's 860 steps in all. oh my aching calves, my cold-sweaty body. i almost passed out at the last two sets of stairs coming back up. it was horrible. but the falls was simply gorgeous :D. then we went to his alma mater (also pictured below), and through the extremely locked glass doors, took a photo of his name framed at the hall of fame. also tried to find the spot where i lived as a baby, and my ninong had to place a frying pan over my head to protect me from whizzing bullets brought about by warring tribes.

at my lola's (and aunt's and cousins), had fun eating, chatting, running errands, driving around. missed them, after!

plus being with the sibs is really fun!

i am now sleepy and stopping writing. hehehe.

some snaps

even the tip of my nose is beautiful

d: i have to write a "short composition" in filipino. that's all well and good except all i've learnt is how to greet and how to ask where someone/something is. that doesn't make for a composition that is long or that makes any sense whatsoever. it's like... hi, i'm d. i'm fine. where are you?
d: me complaining more to my friends
v: say i'm 20 years old
v: i'm new here
v:: i'm beautiful
d: sssssssssssssh
d: plus... v.... i'm beautiful AND intelligent
v: yes yes
v: beautiful outside and inside
v: sigh. just like me.
d: jst everywhere, really.

hahaha. merry christmas.

niceties

the key for me was recognizing
that it no longer was what i thought it was,
or how i liked it, or wanted it to be ...
not all of it, anyway.

which is not to say, it's good or bad or worse --
just not for me, not right now, no longer,

which is not to say, i don't understand or can't
just not mine, and probably never was,

which is not to say, i made a mistake or you did --
just that it was good to have tried:

so; thanks.

so what's new?

tell me five new things about yourself. i want to hear about it. five new things that give you delight or sorrow or grief or amusement. or wadever :D. wadever is good. email me if you want violala@gmail.com. there. goodness gracious great balls of fayerrr.

1. i wore a new mustard-yellow shirt today.

2. i blushed.

3. i work the entire time i am at my practicum office. as in, i work! hahaha. sorry, you guys must do that, but even at my old office, we had days to dawdle. there, i work my ass off. haha. (i am not complaining)

4. i know his email address ;) i surfed it.

5. i am into dreams even though i haven't got any. rumor has it, when you don't remember dreams, you're not supposed to, so you may not interfere in it.

hello world :)

I love you :).

I hope you get to have a nice quiet Christmas filled with peace.

new calling

i've found
a new
TRUE
calling.

i want to cut and paste
for the rest of my life.

;))

wow! you just might get one of my
early pre-fame pieces!
hahaha.

BLESS :)

happy 87th (?) birthday to our ever dearest loleng, Lola Eps! we lab her!

adeeeeek

Jim Paredes humming:

If we engage in an activity just to feel good and then use it repeatedly to escape our problems so that we become dysfunctional without it, then, by Bradshaw’s definition, it is an addiction. I remember hearing a Jesuit compare religion to salt. One must have it in the right doses. Too much or too little is not good. I listened to him with some incredulity then. But he wasn’t the first to express a similar view. Karl Marx called religion the opiate of the masses. Judas in Jesus Christ Superstar criticized Jesus’ followers for having "too much heaven on their minds." Who was it who said that saints are hard to live with?

Moderation is the key. Basically, I think what the definition of addiction also implies is that we do not really need anything from the outside to be happy, and that putting ourselves in a situation of needing and obsessing on anything or anyone to the point that we need a constant fix makes us lose our autonomy and opens us to the feeling of being incomplete. Then, before we know it, we are hooked. We are not enough. Our happiness and reason for living have become dependent on something outside.

When we find ourselves in this situation, even the world will not be enough. We discover that we are devoid of creativity and the capacity to be happy just by being ourselves. When the Dalai Lama first came to know about anorexia, he was astounded that anyone could actually be like that. And then he cried, realizing the suffering and self-loathing that anorexics go through.

The idea, I believe, is to indulge in these poisons with full attention and mindfulness. Because being mindful makes us aware when what we are doing is already bad for us. Mindlessness gets us hooked. Mindless actions can easily become addictions while conscious ones make for good practice. We become aware of the difference between our real needs and our wants.

Then we can begin to live a real life in the real world.

a good day for Nicole, Filipinas, the Philippines, and women everywhere

DOWN WITH THE DICKS!

it's the thought i miss the most (in the MBTI, the third dimension asks how one decides, by thinking or by feeling? T or F). long after it no longer felt happy, the thought of it consumed me, like the irresistible book on the topmost shelf that i could not reach.

when i am lonely, i cannot help but reach for the thought. when i insist on disbelieving, daily life shows up the thought, an empty idea.

you were supposed to be the one for me.

* * * *

a nasty habit: like digging for pimples.
i am unable to forgive you for not living up to the idea.

there i go: taking the wrong tack again.
i need to forgive myself for having been so hurt.

i was very hurt.

reming is coming

tips for tomorrow ;)

1. charge your cellphone
2. charge your lamps/ get batteries for flashlight
3. secure candles and matches
4. store water
5. cool loads of drinking water
6. withdraw money
7. stock up on canned goods
8. warn loved ones far away a typhoon is coming and you could be out of touch for a while.

sit tight, and stay dry. you're loved.

TYPHOON UPDATES HERE.

i happy

heehee. spent all day getting "tested." yes, they made me run over hurdles (ka-blam!), do the jungle jim, do push-ups, and recite the alphabet backwards :D :P nah.

i filled out this super extra long personal data form, then did the personality test mmpi-2 (i asked miss after if i tested neurotic -- the stripe on the strip keeps changing color! she's neurotic! -- but like a good examiner, she ignored my comments and questions, heehee), then had lunch. where perched on a bench under a tree observing young people's fashion whilst eating beef and mushroon, i got my sister's commendation ("brava") for texting her that shouldn't belts be on the hips?

then i did the job satisfaction questionnaire which was amusing because it revealed to me that at this moment, what i want in an ideal job is mentoring, and it doesn't matter to me whether or not it would be hard to make friends with work colleagues. heehee. it's because i have friends already, and what i want right now is to learn more. there's so much more still to learn!

then i did a report-writing test. pity i only knew how to do half of it, as the other half i'm still learning this semester. then i had to do some TAT cards which was fun. out of the 6 stories i imagined, only 1 had to do with lab. woohoo! hahaha. a contrast from last time i did the TAT.

so now am in trouble. hahaha. on thursday, i start practicum doing something i am not at all good at. woohoo! that is the entire point of practicum. heehee.

* * *

then sister and i congregated at this parking lot corner with cafes, and great green tea shakes, sharing good news. later, i was attracted by some music going on at a nearby stage, and peeked at a ceremony for women writers. saw a friend running with his camera every time his wife was called to stage.

then, hightailing it to class, i kept bumping into male classmates. one was T who found out am into feminism, then traded the customary insults and greetings with R, then i gossiped with G whether he liked it or not (well the classroom was still closed), then later had dinner with Fr. B who appeared so very hungry. haha. he was nice, he treated me to dinner.

then mmr said i look prettier, does that mean before today, i looked so very ugly? hehehehe! now obviously just fishing.

* * *

ok, off now, to duni's cinema, to catch the last full show of high school musical. unfortunately, am not allowed to fall asleep there. sisters! hehehe.

living in with someone new

i'm an unhappy peanut.

there's a reason why i stuck with the weekly cleaner for most of my manila life. reasons galore. (i don't want to have to worry about what someone else can eat. about whether someone else is happy or not. about whether just cleaning and watching tv is healthy. basically, all about the existence of someone else.)

but the tide changed. i needed to have someone else to be responsible for many things i can't handle on my own anymore. (like cleaning, like being there for all the delivery people who have to follow crap policy that doesn't allow them to deliver bills without you signing for it, like watching over maintenance people, etc). most of all, i needed another warm body because contrary to my expectations of myself, i am not a security guard but a psychologist in training. so i wanted someone else trustworthy and nice in this house.

still, the fact is, getting household help, even with all angelic assistance, is still getting a stranger to live with you. with all the attendant adjustments that need to be done -- explanations, time, training, attention.

even when you get someone who seems outstandingly good on many aspects -- very tidy, hardworking, likes to cook, cooks well, introverted, nice.

and for the last few days, it has been getting on my last nerve ending that every day i end up "getting arranged."

NO, I like you and all that but please do not arrange me and all my stuff :(. It makes me very very unhappy. I don't want to be arranged in front of me, or behind my back. Just leave me alone. WAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

I do not like having things tidy per se. Tidy is not my priority. I like for my stuff to make sense to me (pumps this shelf, flats this shelf, trainers here, hehe) so they're easier to pick out, rather than for them to be just tidy.

I have stuff from when we moved years back that are in storage because there's just too much to deal with. Am trying to sort through them so I know what to give away. Please do not put them away while am still going through them because I'll just have to pull them back out again. Every day till I'm done.

So there. I'm having to have to spell out the don'ts. It takes hard work to be happy.

I have a right to my mess, and I'm claiming it :P

X marks the spot :P

Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging
by Joe Butt
Profile: ENTJ
Revision: 3.0
Date of Revision: 27 Feb 2005


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I don't care to sit by the window on an airplane. If I can't control it, why look?"

ENTJs have a natural tendency to marshall and direct. This may be expressed with the charm and finesse of a world leader or with the insensitivity of a cult leader. The ENTJ requires little encouragement to make a plan. One ENTJ put it this way... "I make these little plans that really don't have any importance to anyone else, and then feel compelled to carry them out." While "compelled" may not describe ENTJs as a group, nevertheless the bent to plan creatively and to make those plans reality is a common theme for NJ types.

WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Everyone who has ever flown with me on a plane knows what this is about. (I never never never look out the window, I just wait for the crash. Wahahahaha). So do those I have trained my big-eyed bossy gaze on (and claim to have trembled in fear). Wahahahahaha. I guess the MBTI personality profile is a smart'un. Wahahahaha.

"TRADEMARK: -- "I'm really sorry you have to die." (I realize this is an overstatement. However, most Fs and other gentle souls usually chuckle knowingly at this description.)

ENTJs are decisive. They see what needs to be done, and frequently assign roles to their fellows. Few other types can equal their ability to remain resolute in conflict, sending the valiant (and often leading the charge) into the mouth of hell. When challenged, the ENTJ may by reflex become argumentative. Alternatively (s)he may unleash an icy gaze that serves notice: the ENTJ is not one to be trifled with."

pamana

sa lahat ng mga mahal ko,

naisip ko lang na ang isang gusto kong pamana sa inyo, ay ang

PAGIGING DEDMA (sometimes hehe)

Christmas-wrapper you want? hehe.

extra-large portions!

anyway, my ISTJ self has transformed into an ENTJ.

Long live mutants!

nagmamahal,

heartbrokening kaibigan :)

errrr, now i feel better :D hihi. it helps to list down (as in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ...) all the intricate specifics of your sadness, and have someone simply listen, and understand. thanks gid joannie.

here's an excerpt from the latest version of my autobiography, the nth one i've had to write for grad school. hehe.

"I always wrote well.

I always got on the school paper. I remember one weekend, my family camped in my Dad's office doing my elementary school paper. It was called the Bud and Blossom. I was editor in chief. (It appears now that my parents were my staff, hehe).

I graduated honorable mention from grade school. I had two "best friends". One of them has been my housemate for ten years now .... (Wow, we're like, married!) ... The three of us best chums girls, picked three boys to be best friends with us. They agreed. It was strictly arrived at by contract.

Wait. Before all that, came my moment of glory as a beauty queen/ ms. universe (I feel every Filipino girl born to a middle class family grows up thinking she's the most beautiful girl in the world, destined to be ms. universe.)

When I moved schools in fourth grade (my family moved back to the city proper, from two towns away), every guy in class had a crush on me. One Saturday in school, they all hung around me at the playground while I was waiting for my parents to pick me up. I also kept getting calls from them at home but they didn't really talk to me. They pretended to be scary.

I had no idea what it was all about, really.

Years later, I would regret having been too introverted, shy, and out of it, to have made the most of my heyday with boys.

I would never have that much appeal to the opposite sex again, ever."

imp ossi ble

it's staring at impossible in the face
and accepting it so.

i am faced with the Goliath
of my own conjuring.

but where's my pebble?

* * * *

1. i have sat by it
2. i have listened to it
3. i have turned my back on it
4. i have walked round and past it
5. i walked back to look at it
6. i have largely ignored it
7. i have let it be a speck in my peripheral version
8. i have talked to it.

But, Jeez. it's still there.

It must be David-girl who's the problem.

David-girl needs to stand still, till the earth swallows her whole, and not one little detail retains any meaning.

oh goodness me

you know sometimes, things happen that render me speechless, or to be honest, drive me to tears, in the face of what can only be called grace.

it's not like some big bang, it can happen so inconspicuously, so subtly, that if you hadn't been up for it all along, you would never have known how much the universe had shifted. it's like an earthquake where the earth never moved. something like how Phivolcs says the Philippines experiences ten earthquakes a day that are hardly felt.

it's like an all-pervading kindness that just watches out for you, no matter how long it takes. slowly, the continental plates shift and come back together in new arrangements you could hardly have imagined. and it's not you either because contrary to what we all know to be true -- that the solar system actually revolves around each of us, rather than the sun, hehe -- it's all about all of us.

it's also about paying attention. and attending to what comes up that is for you to attend to. i attend to what is so obviously for me to do, and the rest just takes care of itself.

we just each have roles to play in the service of something that can only be Goddess/God.

classic

shiet siya may ka-relasyon na daw siya.

hahahahaha.

today's friendster classic brought to you by

thisblog.

teeheee.

happy birthday, duni!

p.s. pero mas malaki ichu ko hahahaha. alam mo na, protectib ;)

3 kuwentos bago takbo at weewee

Good newses!!! As will T , I get to do a workshop with psych undergrads at their upcoming convention :P will try to inject more psychs with ka-genderan. wehehehe. wushu! am excited. Also, we're now wireless! Thanks to our in-house IT, also called roommie.

* * *

In an old CSI episode, there's been a kidnapping, with a three-hour window of opportunity, when the vic possibly dies. The hubby wants the CSI guys to speed up the investigation. However, the forensic scientist knows the value of being thorough:

Grissom: "In cases like this, we have learned that to go fast, we need to go slow."

Sabat naman si ate, "Sister, that goes for love too." (laughter)

Di papalecture si sister, "So is that why you're still not married?"

Ehehehe! Palusot na lang si Ate, "Yeah, i went fast."

* * *

But seriously, I have had to fend off a thousand well-meaning but tiresome inquiries as to my getting married, and the state of my fats. Ahahahaha. Haaay, I mean I don't care at all except that questions like this seem to put me in a position of having to apologize to people for who I am. Which is unreal. As I already like myselp :D

;)

hi

been busy. you know those weeks in a year when life accelerates and you focus on each moment as it passes, you only have time to wave?

i finished my semester. whew. it helped that i didn't know the deadline had been moved for later. hahaha. i finished it the best that i could, while still relating to people around me, hehehe. what's the point of finishing a sem, if you end up not talking to loved ones near and nearer.

my sister arrived. being with her has reminded me of how good friends we really are. she makes me laugh, she's British and quite funny. and i tease her endlessly.

we all went to Boracay. it was fun. me being a weirdo Capricorn, going to Boracay is always a bit tricky because i always feel like i have to deserve it ('cause it costs too much money, and eating really well for three days takes its toll on my conscience. hahaha. coz it's so unrealistic! :P) but i just lab dozing on the beach in the morning when the sun still doesn't hurt.

then i went to Camp. it was good. that place in Caliraya is really nice (but really too cold when i was there. i got sick). it was fun teaching young men about sex. hahahaha. no, really. Filipinos are the most tortured souls about sex, and i love that i can help make better boyfriends for young women. hehe. or more sensitive open connecting nurturing persons. hehehe. also i talked to an ex-student from last summer, and it was good. he's a better boyfriend, he told me. and i think i did well :).

now sister and i are re-setting-up house, and will be getting ready for school. plus many things are coming up in the next two weeks too.

bless us all :)

no talking allowed :D

Ako ay nababaliw na sa ka-bisihan. Today, I marry Fiolo, and we are soulmates for the entire week.

Sheesh. Goodluck to me. I need two finish two papers today so I can move on to two exams and two more papers. OH SHIT.

Trusting in the prusis

Teeheehee. It’s 2 am and in the past hour I got the energy rush, no, the get-up-and-go that I had been waiting for the whole day. The whole day I had been needing to go and put away my stuff from the immediately preceding-now has to be shelved for three days- project in order to move on to the next one. But first I couldn’t get out of bed. When I did, I couldn’t get motivated at all. C’mon, it took me four hours from getting up to get to my cup of coffee (only after I read on yahoo how caffeine in cola puts women at risk for osteoporosis hehehe). I just couldn’t see myself working myself up again into the state I had been in in the past week for the next in a still long-list of projects. Unimaginable. How to get to there again from where I was.

So I took it slow. Let myself be. Even DD must have found it weird when she asked about plans for next week. It took me, VV the arranger, ages to answer, I didn’t know what to say and I couldn’t locate any energy into looking for answers or even saying what I needed to do next to find the answers. But she let me. And later, without any effort, I was reunited with my enthusiasm for our “sem-break” plans. It just came.

Soon it was dark again, as it does so much faster this time of the year. Still, I couldn’t. I only felt I needed a walk, and to get out of the house for a while. So in the light of streetlamps and brandishing my umbrella I walked to the grocery store, and bought myself a meal. Then ate to Grey’s Anatomy (woohoo) which I had been wanting to catch, introduced roommie to my Wednesday NCIS, and saw more tv while sleeping, hehehe, a particular talent of ours. Soon it was past midnight but my body still said lie down. I couldn’t see myself sleeping on the work I had to do though.

Finally at about one, I got up, went to my room, and in the span of 45 minutes put away everything, to my satisfaction, even. Hahahaha. And so the sun rises at one am. I am renewed, revived from screensaver mode, back from automatic hibernation.

the roommate conversations

it was a relaxing day, in a way. or rather, the kind of day where you will hold close the moments when it's possible to relax (kind of holding "relaxing" in a tight grip hahaha). roommie and i decided to walk to the restaurant where it's possible to get one of the best sisig. having gotten there, we sat down to enjoy our pla-pla and pakbet (hehe).

she told me of her friend who is depressed because she has no migo. and this friend lives in an environment where everyone is paired up. roommie told her depressed friend that maybe a migo still won't bring you happiness. and then proceeded to point out to the depressed all their friends who were married/paired, and presently unhappy specifically due to pairing. the depressed said she felt better (hehe).

so i went, "do you think we're single because we're so picky?"
she said, "yah."
and it appeared to both of us that we were not wanting so much the usual, as much as the fun. really, a good funny conversation.
but then, a fun conversation is not a relationship. it's just a conversation :D. hihi.

***

today we were chatting about thesis.

i went, "actually the thing to do is find the one thing that interests you the most. to make kalikot. you pray to find that one thing coz when you do, it's just a joy to do."
she said, "yes, mam."
added, "is it like a migo?"
errr, no. "if you find a migo that you want to make kalikot, goodluck to you."
"hahahahaha!"
"a migo is not kalikot."
;))


***

there was a man in the house in the last week (currently, gone to samar with the cutie wife) ;).

ahh, this must be a bit like how "men" feel. to come home to someone ;)). we all three/four women in the house last week went home to HH and had much fun around the dining table. there were tasting expeditions of cakes made/mixed in colorful piss pots(hehehe long story), and stories of how german men piss (as heard from the safety of a toilet cubicle), debates about masculinity and "hope for mankind," as well as ruminations on the Japanese term for "the big loser" (hehe).

can't wait to be piled on a sarong on sand, eating fruit, gone sailing, and laughing gaily at the ridiculousness of being serious. (goodluck to me, i hope i get to go ;))

go talk

Daily Extended Forecast for October 11, 2006
Provided by Astrology.com Daily Teen Forecast

Have you been giving someone the silent treatment? It won't do you much good ... you can't make your point unless you clearly communicate your feelings and needs. People cannot read your mind, so get in touch and clear the air. If you are the one receiving silent treatment from someone else, reach out and check in with them. Find out whether they are ready to talk. Approach things compassionately and with your defenses down.

hmmm. not giving anyone the silent treatment lately (err, just one, but it's clear to me that i will talk when the time comes :) ). but just thought, how many many many people in the world, heck, in my world could be helped in their relations if they could approach things compassionately, with their defenses down, and just talk. Go! :)

eager beaver :D

i'm so excited.

i met my targeted number of respondents after charming, cajoling, harassing, pleading, chasing the young men from all over the Philippines, with much help from the org peeps (HB for one, thanks HB!). it's a very small n, but still it took ages and lots of energy to complete!!!!

now i have the whole night to conjure up a research report... err initial report/ presentation. hihihi.

thanks to all the graduates of the CATW YMCs for sharing.

gathering

i must be the most kulit ate ever already, from all my email and text follow-ups to the young men, to respond to my survey sent thru the email. have been doing interviews thru chat, and yesterday, thru text. anything to get the task done.

i console myself with the thought that it's for a good cause- an interesting and worthwhile research endeavor (i would say that since it's my project, hehehe). my mantra of the moment would have to be: no, i am not a pest, i am not a pest, not a pest, not a pest. i am a feminist researcher, researcher, researcher, researcher.

if i believe that i am not a pest, but a worthwhile psych student researcher, then i will surely get the response i need.

so help me angels ;)) (and quickly! hehehe).

Milen-WHEW!

how labli dat lately

my interviewee said, ay sayang ate v, ang ganda pa naman ng conversation natin.

fave godson A laughed at the puppet show requested of ninang v, where gandalf asked the nazgul for more tilapia. wahahaha. sorry fave godson, ninang is too literal. turned over to him, gandalf and the nazgul resumed their fight scene. hiyahh!

my research teach said she'll give me back my proposal on friday, and that it's a very good study.

and a beloved friend emphatically telling another beloved friend -- referring to me while i was sitting beside them both -- don't believe anything she has to say about me. listen only to me and i'll listen only to you. hahahaha. da best. ;))

gremlins

pag umuulan, dumarami. incidentally, gremlins is one of the very first movies i saw on betamax in my dad's office way out in the middle of the fishponds in those bonding times we had long ago when i was a little girl.

naku, type ko siya. the sudden intimacy of veritable strangers in sweet conversation.

bakit ba kami nagkakaintindihan ng batang ito? crush ko.

ang galing galing niya. the first thing that actually got me really lusting after the men i later on wholeheartedly loved, is the way we talked. the quality of the air when we chatted. the scent of sympathy and comradeship. the acknowledgment of spirit.

soul, here we are.

say hi!

thigh-high burgundy boot

and so it goes that atenina comes over to the Philippines, and watches an English movie first thing with me. hehe.

and when the germans come, there'll be a German filmfest on, so maybe this is just the thing to do :D. when watching Rome, find a Roman.

but i've asked three young men lately what it means to them to be a man, and the movie was about what makes a man, and so that thought form is bouncing all over the place.

and in this sweet movie, this sweet guy says to a sweeter, broader, bigger mama of a sexy drag queen, "I don't know what makes a man but if it's something about being brave, then I can never be half the man that you are."

and as this soulful sexy man of a big mama hella singer drag queen said,* "I didn't do it for what you said, I did it for the adulation."

oh my foot, the kinky boot!

*and he also said, a man can change his mind about someone :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HIMAYA ;), her who is plenty parts heart :D

*applause*

some kind of hostess

there are times when am a very weird host to houseguests :D. two years ago, friends arrived an hour or so earlier than i thought they would so i sent them away. wahehehe! i mean our cleaner and i were still frantically sorting out stuff in their "guest space" so i let them leave their bags, and made them go away for a meal till house was ready.

yesterday, atening texted from the taxi, and i warned her i was all dusty and ugly from sorting out my papers, still (was still at it after lunch, after staying up all night doing so). said no beso-beso muna, hehehe. and so it went, atening arrived, and had some pan de sal with her host who looked like someone the cat dragged in! hehe.

atening has loooong hair, and bangs! :D (titaeds, mahaba na rin ba ang hair mo? :D)

applause

for other, exciting news ... i have finally sorted out almost a decade worth of files!!!! YAHOO!! YIHEE!! YEBAH!

truly, 9 years. from when i joined my last office and left it last year (1996-2005). (my files from last year to now are in order because am newly-OC with my psych stuff). when we last moved house, i had just shoved them in boxes but now they are properly sorted and labeled according to type of material, and topic for easy retrieval. and easy movement because my files are now in those carton shopping boxes. hahaha. buking ang shopping. hindi, Christmas gift shopping bags yon! di ba? ;)

so to name some of my bags and boxes of so-called files, tantananan: gender planning, feminist economics, reproductive rights and women's health, feminism, and my ex-office files sorted as gender program, campaigns and issues, org files. hahaha, weird happinesses.

but no, i still have one entire room to sort. other stuff aside from ex-office and ex-school papers ;))

now i must go and munch some organic dark choccies hehehe

strange, stranger, strangest

1. whoopeedoodee choclit
soon i'll have more choclit. ate nina asked what i wanted, i said dark choclit. tita eds asked what i wanted, i said choclit with yogurt (milka!). her hubby, hh, asked me too months ago (being german and well prepared :P) and am sure i answered choclit! i must remember to ask my sister to bring choclit, too! hmmm, wait a minute. knickers or kitkat? knickers! hehe. chocolate-colored knickers with a splash of fuschia ;)is sister's assignment.

hehe.

if anyone asks me if i have choclit in the next few weeks, no i don't have any! brown sugar you want? hehehe!

2. speaking of underwear.
am supposed to pretest my interview sked at this hour. my respondent is probably still hurrying from his class to our appointment. to prepare, i showered, and dressed. i even put on a bra! for a pretest interview over the internet! how formal can i get, huh? ;) it's black, too.

3. someone called
and asked if we wanted a dsl internet subscription. the very same thing we already have. haaaay. i told her and then she said, we're already so much kbps ma'am. right. lucky us already. hehe.

pleased :D

Your past life diagnosis:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern New Guinea around the year 925. Your profession was that of a medic, surgeon or herbalist.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
You had the mind of a scientist, always seeking new explanations. Your environment often misunderstood you, but respected your knowledge.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
Your lesson is to study, to practice and to use the wisdom that lies within the psychological sciences and in ancient manuscripts. With strong faith and hard work you will reach your real destiny in your present life.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you remember now?

come to class, my love

how lovely is a lazy day.

with a lunch
and a dog
and a walk

and a peach-orange shirt
and shorts

and nothing nothing
to do but doo bee doo bee doo
doo bee dooo ;)

time, passing

1. finally passed my research proposal WHEEEEEEEEEEEW. what a relief. (now it's time to gather the data)

2. done with one group report (now need to do the written version)

3. almost done with another group report (and then move on to the written version)

4. counselees had another crisis, hope things are on the mend

5. went to the funeral of friends' stepmom

6. went shopping for parents. it was all various shades of green. hahaha. (take note, i didn't say mail :D)

7. organized titos and titas to greet dad in a simultaneous manner ;)) (sorry, it's not militaristic, but amusing)

8. bless my parents, for they are birthday-ing, and they are loved, and so am i :D

Full Moon Lunar eclipse (p)

Seeing clearly **
This influence confers patience and willingness to do difficult and exacting work. Therefore, this is a good time to do any work that you have to keep on plugging at, even though it isn't rewarding. If this influence comes during a period that is otherwise difficult, it guarantees that for the moment at least you will be able to cope with your situation, no matter how difficult it becomes. Intellectual or physical work that requires perseverance and great attention to detail is favored by this influence. Also, this influence will help you get to know yourself better. The close attention to detail that characterizes your way of seeing now will help you see yourself and your own reactions very clearly.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mars Trine Saturn exact at 15:30
activity period from 6 September 2006 to 9 September 2006.

pahingi nga ng pag-ibig

fart. am tired. i can scare myself to death and back several times a day on behalf of many things. like a sound upstairs while i'm in the middle. or the fact that my pages and pages and pages and pages pf psychologese might not make sense when i start to reread from the top down, somewhere on page three i might need to turn on my head and do the clown dance. like a sound downstairs while i'm in the middle.

YM and friends everywhere keep me sane. it helps me to have people to confess to that i still am not done done done done. aaaaaaaargh. or whatever. it is the connections that keep me sane while i try to distill pages and pages and pages of books and journals into something i like that is already long overdue. as i work nights and sleep days, or sleep and work half-nights and half-days and think about what to eat, and act like a sikyo to my queendom.

fart. i need a boyfriend. (or did i mean a girlfriend? or my mother? hehehe) someone who has the capacity to give you some full-on loving attention (food, hugs, and affirmation) for a concentrated period of time. because they can, and want to. when you want to. no apologies, no questions asked, no guilt, no hangups, no resistance. someone you can surrender to, for love, sometimes.

puwede ba yon, universe?????? i am tired of being strong. i want to be dependent, and let someone else take care of me, for a while.

hehehehe.

ode to my tenderness

still, such tenderness exists.
perhaps it never really goes away.
just that it no longer defines ...
but stays still, in the air
a waft of something soft
and sad and sweet and
sure, still.

male Gender Role Conflict

I'm presently studying this psychological construct gender role conflict (O'Neil, 1981) that refers to men's patterns that arise when "rigid, sexist or restrictive gender roles, learned during socialization, result in personal restriction, devaluation or violation of others or self."

When seen in the context of interpersonal relations, gender role conflict implies that "men are shaped from an early age to develop a narrow range of dominant and emotionally withdrawn interpersonal responses that are recurring, inflexible, and harmful to themselves and to others" (Mahalik, 1999).

There are four empirically-tested patterns of male gender role conflict namely, Success Power and Competition; Restricted Emotionality; Restrictive Affectionate Behavior Between Men; and Conflict Between Work and Family.

Here's Mahalik's (1999) illustration of a man rigidly enacting the factor Restrictive Emotionality: "Thus, men may have difficulty telling others they care about them, disclosing and discussing vulnerabilities, and finding words to describe their feelings. At home, such a man would not readily show affection to family members or be able to ask for support and affection. For example, he may expect that his partner and children know what he feels for them even when he may himself have difficulty being able to name or experience his feelings. Also, he may expect that his partner be able to know when he needs support and is feeling bad even when he has difficulty knowing what he is feeling. Related to his discomfort with his own feelings, he may expect that his partner and children should not have the feelings that they experience. ..."

whew

Challenging the status quo ***
Valid during many months: At this time there is a balance between the old and the new in your life, between conservatism and the desire to experiment. You are able to take a new experience, see its potential and give it a concrete form in your life. You approach life with patience, willing to give everything a chance to prove itself. Consequently this is an excellent time for studying any kind of demanding new material. You can also teach the techniques you have learned to others.
You may find it desirable to work with other people in the projects that you undertake now. Their insights will help you transcend your own limitations.

The changes you made in your life several years ago have taken a concrete form now. You may have moved, changed the structure of your relationships or changed your job at that time. Under this influence, these matters are stable, for you realize that your life is different now and perhaps more appropriate to what you are.

You may feel that you can encompass anything new that comes along now, and it is quite likely that you are more able to do so than usual. And it is good for you to try new approaches - don't reject challenges to the status quo. Incorporate them into yourself if they reveal valid flaws in your life as it is. In a few years it will be much harder to make these challenges a part of your life, and you may be forced to make changes under less desirable conditions. Your sense of internal pressure will be much greater then, and you are more likely to act in a disordered or disruptive way.



Transit selected for today (by user):
Saturn Sextile Uranus
activity period from 26 August 2006 until end of May 2007.

love you

aguinaldo chatted me up today on the occasion of my new YM profile pic of a red flower.

aguinaldo: gumamela....... napakaganda...... napakayumi.......;)

aguinaldo: dati, pumipitas ng gumamela, bulaklak at dahon, didikdikin ng bato, hahaluin sa isang basong tubig na may konting sabon

aguinaldo: kukuha ng alambre sa dulo ng sampayan, paiikutin na bilog na may hawakan, babalutin ang bilog ng retasong tela

aguinaldo: ilulubog ang alambreng bilog sa hinalog dinikdik na gumamela at sabon, saka hihipan......ooooooo000000000 daming bubbles

aguinaldo: ngayon, bibili ka na lang sa toys r us, isang palstic bubble gun. just pull the trigger and out will come millions of bubbles galore

violeta: ;))

aguinaldo: kawawang mga bata ngayon, wa nila knows ang power ng gumamela and the journey to a million bubbles.

aguinaldo: kung wala silang ades, wala silang bubbles

i didn't have the heart to say, 'twas a pansy not a gumamela.

(perhaps, in the same way that chester minds that i don't know that vivi walker is not shirley maclaine. hehehe!)

bad trip, pare

bad trip! SOBRA. someone tried to get into the house last night. tried three ways. broke my window.

buti na lang i woke up when he was trying to get in at a different part. i sensed and saw something was hugely amiss, all my hair stood on end. i made noise and buti na lang, he went away. he jumped down from the balcony, heard his thud. i called the police and the tanods came over. we discovered he broke a window.

fuck, there is nothing to steal from my house i swear. so just don't.

my face is set in concrete from lack of sleep. i hope i don't go into hyper vigilance.

i should cry the terror out.

<salamat sa pagpunta. nahiya ako sabihin eh sa unang tawag. hehehe.

i interrupt my monologues for a brief announcement

did i say i'm tired? i'm very tired.

(and i'm not even done yet. eurgh.)

did i say i'm happy? i'm very happy.

i will get back to all and sundry when i am done.

next week promises to be more flexible.

(more space to ping-pong between feelings, hehehe!)

i would rather be busy. i would rather be tired.

i would rather be happy.

and for now

i am.

:)

*just spreadin' the bug*

is it safe? part 2

is it safe for me to cook in your presence :D?

NO! no way! :D get outta my sight! :D i embark on my kitchen adventures alone!in the middle of the night when the kitchen's all clear! that way if it doesn't taste good, the evidence will have been discarded by morning! :P

but here's the evidence for the happy-kind-of-ending :D



and no, i didn't eat it all by myself :D

rooommieee: namiiiit! this is how i like my chicken macaroni.

ate jo: ansaraaaap!!!!

dd via text: namit! just my kind of mac! thanks!
dd, still: buti na lang pumayag (insert name of officemates here) na akin na lang lahat at banana-q na lang sa kanila!

(hehe! i apologize in advance for not so tactful publication of texts here :D but i have to give you credit for enumerating the magic list of ingredients! thanks, d ;))

am GLAD.

but i might not do it again anytime soon as it like took me all night!!!! it took all night to mince the onions, and "ouido" the taste since i had no idea of the portions.

my brave conclusion: if you have mastered the art of making great sawsawan, you can ouido mostly anything :D

is it safe?

di kasali itraks sa is-it-the-truth series ng mga rotarian hehehe.

but this question is it for me when it comes to counseling.

is it safe to be vulnerable with you? :)

can i be at my most pained, most irrational,
most scared, most annoying,
and will you receive me?
without any judgment whatsoever
on my person, and with no
impact on your unwavering faith
that i too will eventually find my way again?

this is the way counseling is taught too (by books and at school)

and looking back at life, i always know the moment someone is dismissive
of me and my "unburdening" myself on them "you'll be ok," "move on"
because inwardly she or he would rather not hear more,
or pitying rather than empathic, "oh no, you're always like that"
or judgmental rather than accepting "why are you like that?"

(it's not even the words, it's the spirit in which they are said. and my antenna never fails when it comes to me being the "counselee")

and my most sacred of relationships are those where it is completely safe to be vulnerable.

and likewise. i am at my best when friends can feel safe to be completely vulnerable with me.

and this is the change that i would like to see in myself :)
(as of now, my "it is safe to be vulnerable with me" capacity is limited edition only hahaha)

they'll talk

yesterday a friend texted me in distress over breaking up with her boyf. today, she said they're meeting up "to talk."

ay kanami. they're going to talk. that made me really happy :D

let's not talk

i'm currently in the process of pulling myself back, down, into the ground, flat on it, for my mind to stop, and my pedals to slow ...

so i can flow with my counselees. one is not supposed to drag one's counselees ;))

the other day i dragged my counselee into some quiet time, feeling that it was time, not to talk :D

except that i shouldn't be the one to decide all that. hahaha! (yes, t, i have resolved to try ever so much harder to be girl Carl R. :P) but it was good!

do for fun?

an old boyf asked me today what i do for fun (and commenced to tell me what he does for fun).

that threw me for a loop.

i was anguished for a few minutes. am i so boring? i don't do anything fun?

but then i realized, i don't "do" fun. life just is. fun. many's the time. :D. i don't have to do it to have fun.

hihi.

i was lost and i was saved again.

these are the words to say, ilabyuisdatok?

many years from now if i keep all my trash, hehe, my notes i mean. ... i'll come upon this piece of yellow pad paper with the main ideas from my first set of research readings ... my entourage list to my wedding... and this lyric framed in a huge star: these are the words to say, i love you is that ok?

the lyrics were lodged in my brain for the evening though i didn't have the title or the singer to go with it. googling it another day, i discovered girlfriend natasha bedingfield.

These Words

These words are my own
Threw some chords together
The combination D-E-F
It's who I am, it's what I do
And I was gonna lay it down for you
I try to focus my attention
But I feel so A-D-D
I need some help, some inspiration
(But it's not coming easily)
Whoah oh...

Trying to find the magic
Trying to write a classic
Don't you know, don't you know, don't you know?
Waste-bin full of paper
Clever rhymes, see you later

These words are my own
From my heart flow
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
There's no other way
To better say
I love you, I love you...

and as the soundtrack to the mtv of me that deedee has volunteered to direct, her other song

Unwritten

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

;))

funny but it seems i always wind up here with you :)

masyado na naman akong natutuwa.

wooooohoooo! sabay wave!

pano kasi, i'm learning a lot. wushu!

wala lang. (the greatest misnomer of all Filipino time):

natuwa kasi ako dun sa nakikita ko. dun sa mga katrabaho ko.
kung paano sa gitna ng maraming puna, may pagmamahal.
ay mali.
kung paano ang puna ay bunga ng pagmamahal at wala nang iba.
nang dahil dito napapaisip ako na kapag may pagmamahal
kayang tumulay sa lahat ng bagay.

kasi,
minamahal.

;)
*sarap ng kilig*

don't always stick together but stay close to each other

dd and i love to lurk over where it's a perfect day for bananafish. rollerblading, kala said she tries to keep the following things in mind: Go at your own pace. Find your rhythm. Take turns in taking the lead. Don’t always try to stick together. But stay close to each other. Don’t be scared to say you think you’re tired, because maybe the other is thinking the same thing... and the only thing needed to be able to make it to the end, together, is to admit it. And always have a psychological drink to keep you going, even if you think it is only overpriced water and lemon.

go and read the full post :).

i really must fix my links one of these days but in the meantime

the state of grace! ang saya! kakaiyak! da best!

and she free-fallin' my most active/ only (?) commenter. hehehe! goodluck, T. :D

how do you train an elephant so you don't get trampled on? :)

(the child said his father was like an elephant who only moved to eat.

the counselor wondered aloud, maybe you can learn how to train an elephant?

still, the child is but a child.

the counselor wondered some more, hmmm, how to train an elephant without getting trampled on?

-- from brief counselling: narratives and solutions by judith milner and patrick o'byrne ~it's described to be adding to the story/ thickening the plot in order to arrive at a new story, and seeing what a person sometimes does right so she can do more things "right")

mahal ko si ma'am

dalawa kasi ang teacher na mahal ko. hehe.

'yong isa pinadala ang powerpoint niya (sa email. alangan naman sa basket). habang binabasa ko ang email niya announcing the powerpoint, gusto ko sabihin, "ma'am, lab yu." i will follow you to the ends of the earth. i will attend all of your classes even though sometimes i am out of breath, or hungry, or red in the face, or wet, or late.

hehe.

mahal ko na talaga siya kasi nirescue niya ako from the ravages of losterdam. whatever that means :D. sa sobra ko siyang mahal, di ko ipagpapapalit ang klase niya sa premiere ng sine ng isa kong mega-crush na si Jet. ano ba naman ang crush kumpara sa mahal? (at magkakaroon pa ng ibang "showing", am sure of it, yeah).

singing out my enveloped ideas...


older men
lately, (i have had the strangest feeling) ... lately, tambay ako with older men. wala lang, nagkataon lang. sabi ng universe, hetong sayo, older men. hehe! (huwag mag-alala. tito ko ang isa). ay, katuwa. mother, andami kong natutunan. man, walang kasing bongga nang nagkukuwento ng lahat ng natutunan sa buhay, after everything. 'yon bang "ay, if you met me before, you wouldn't talk to me," sabi ng isa.

younger books
habang patuloy pa rin ang katuwaan ko sa mga nobelang pang young adult. ay, galing! pare, galing magsulat ng mga australiano tungkol sa buhay ng mga young adults. halimbawa na lang 'yong ed kennedy character sa book na I Am the Messenger. Pagmamahal, pare, hayup!

ting!

can't seem to get away from doing some form of "directive" counseling if only to give rise to possibilities. i have been noticing it lately. and it's not just me with one person, but with all of the people i talk to, in a "counseling" context.

I go, "what if ...? what do you think?"

so i've decided to swallow my advice, and try it out for myself.

with this magic wand of bamboo, i dare say:

let the possibilities exist! even though from my experience, and hence, from my fears, they wouldn't. i shove foregone conclusions to the side, and say! make room! for the welcome unexpected.

:D

yey

tuwang tuwa ako sa init.

"ang ineeeeeeeeeet. shiyet."

yihee!

oh heat, i've missed ya!

feminist psychologist

Jean Baker Miller, noted feminist, psychoanalyst, social activist;
1927-2006

BROOKLINE, MA - Jean Baker Miller, MD, noted feminist, psychoanalyst, and
social activist died at her Brookline, Massachusetts home July 29, 2006
after a 13-year struggle with emphysema and post-polio effects. Her 1976
groundbreaking book, Toward a New Psychology of Women, traced the
connection between women's mental health and sociopolitical forces. Dr.
Miller maintained that women's desire to connect with others and their
emotional accessibility were essential strengths, not weaknesses as they
were traditionally regarded.

...

Toward a New Psychology of Women, a bestseller and classic in the fields
of psychology and women's studies, was translated in over 20 languages and
distributed around the world. Dr. Miller also co-authored The Healing
Connection: How Women Form Relationships in Therapy and in Life and
Women's Growth in Connection; she edited Psychoanalysis and Women, and
authored and contributed to numerous articles on depression, dreams, and
the psychology of women.

an announcement from the Jean Baker Miller Training Institute, Wellesley.

:)

in the time it takes for my fingernails to grow the length when it's possible to cut them again, i have drunk 17 bottles of beer.

* * *

Bi-tols!, sigaw ng audience sa Beastrow, pakiusap lang po kay Chikoy Pura and the Jerks.

"Imagine there's no heaven. It's easy if you try," panimulang kanta ni C.P. and the J. "No hell below us. Above us only sky."

Obligingly, in-imagine ko na nagsasampay ng kanyang labada ang seksing bajista. Doon sa bahagi ng bakod na naka-assign sa kanya sa apartment niyang pinagitnaan ng kanya-kanyang apartment ng dalawa kong kaibigan at ng kani-kanilang pamilya.

Baka sakali lang makabawas sa kaseksihan niya.

Sabay tanong nila, "Should I stay or should I go now? If I stay there will be trouble, if I go it will be double. So come on, and let me know, should i stay or should i go?"

* * *

"Rocker ka?" banggit ng kaibigan ko.

"You're the one that I want, whoo hoo hoo. The one that I need, oh yes, indeed," awit ng utak ko.

Kahit ano lang ako.

* * *

Natapos ang gabi/ nagsimula ang umaga,
nagdesisyon kami na magdasal.

Over tapsilog, we decided, we will pray.

* * *

(dasal)

* * *

:)

multiply life

now the parking lot is empty everyone's gone someplace i pick you up and in the trunk i've packed a cooler and a two-day suitcase




cause there's a place we like to drive way out in the country five miles out of the city limit we're singing and your hand's upon my knee




so we're okay we're fine baby i'm here to stop your crying chase all the ghosts from your head i'm stronger than the monster beneath your bed




smarter than the tricks played on your heart, we'll look at them together then we'll take them apart adding up the total of a love that's true multiply life by the power of two





secretly, happy birthday jedi knight! ;)

My love, what is the way of the heart?

In the end,
in a world where
we are all one
and each person is deserving of
love, understanding and acceptance
and the universe in all its abundance
provides for all
where no one is right or wrong
for everyone is wounded
and healing and trying
and everyone needs the other …

Who am I to deprive you
of all that you need to be full
and healing and loving
and whole
for after all,
I love you
as I love myself
as I love all who are close to me
as everyone deserves to be loved.

Who am I to deprive you
of those I have loved who
have loved me
from whom I have learned
and whom I have taught?

In the end,
bussing cheeks
with confusion and hurt and pain
and misunderstanding and frustration
embracing fear and humiliation,
in the end,
I come face to face
with myself and my love
and I wish you what you need.

The universe knows best.

sofa

state of the flower address (hehehe), and a clutch of subtitles like

(i can't help thinking maybe GMA's glee last week can be summed up in this rhyme: if i'm happy and you know it, clap your hands! clap clap clap)

1. compliments of M. Dean (yes i also want a free b. wax, and if i ever get to Roma... :)... oh Marilyn :) ... thanks for being on Team Aniston!... yes watch the breakup and observe carefully as the bartender best friend metamorphoses for a second, blink and you miss it, it's very ... weird... hehehe)

2. introducing existential therapy

last week even though i was late to class because i did our counseling plan (hehehe kelangan talaga nakadeclare), i still got in at a good enough hour to actually start to understand what existential therapy means. it means that, yes, flower power, life sucks.

life sucks big time even for those who have a roof over their heads and food on the table.

reallife lifesucks examples: when you find your life's work and it's a long lonely struggle where most don't understand, and those who mean the most occasionally don't either, and it's a crusher; when a parent dies, and then a parent-in-law dies soon after, and the parent of your best friend dies too; and many other life-sucky stories.

but it also means that this life, this sucky life is yours. it's totally yours. and you have this lifetime to make what you want of it. it is yours, hold it. suckyness and all, clasp it. own it. shape it.

even in the very depths of numbness, it's your choice. (an example given for a lover left here pining for a loved one abroad was, at least it is I who is experiencing this pain and loneliness for the both of us)

and so, sometimes in that often sucky life that you claim for yourself, many good things also happen. like the people whose lives you touch and change with your heart-full dedication to work.

or this picture that cheers me up no end that magya calls the hair that grew two faces. hehehe.

gearing up for when it gets worse

or so says astro dot com. o siya, nine months. the time it takes to bear a child. hehe.

Saturn opposition Venus: Adversities

Beginning of September 2006 until mid June 2007: This influence often signifies a crisis in your personal relationships. Love seems harder to come by, and you may cool off toward those who used to be dear to you. Or they may cool off. This is a period of testing old relationships to find out whether they can survive and make a contribution to your life. It is rather difficult to establish new relationships, for this is a time for culminating the old, not beginning anew.

This influence indicates that your need for relationships is in strong conflict with your need to feel like a distinct, separate and definite individual. Either you are such an individualist in your relationships that others find it difficult to relate to you, or the relationships smother your sense of individuality. You may feel very lonely even in the presence of your loved ones, because a wall has been built up between you and them.

It is absolutely essential to reexamine your relationships at this time to determine exactly your rights, duties and obligations and those of your partner. Probably you have been trespassing upon each other's prerogatives, and the tension that this causes has led to your current difficulties.

One common manifestation of this influence is becoming involved in a relationship that makes very heavy demands on you. Although you would rather not be involved in it, you find it difficult to break out of. All you can do in this case is to persist and do whatever you have to do. If you simply abandon this relationship, you will almost immediately encounter another relationship like it, and another and another until you live one of them through.

This may also be a time of material and financial adversity. Here again you will have to examine your past attitudes toward material resources and perhaps change your whole orientation toward them. Try getting along with less; you may find that you need less than you had thought.

random rules for school

1. Please don't touch my ... post-its/posts-it(? hehe)!!!! Especially the ones stuck on pages of (photocopied) books, they are precious for ... sentimental value (no, really :D, yes definitely)... and also because after one takes the time, no, the tiiiiiime to read and understand long teeeeexts, and marks important passages with ink and post-its, ... there's no repeating the process. Unless it's marked, I wouldn't know a significant part from all the rest, and there's all the other subjects I have to take where I will need to remember/ take note of one sentence. Hehe.

2. Keep apples in the fridge at all times. Yes, apples can keep you awake and ensure a safe and easy time in the toilet the next day even if you feel your cells have absorbed all the water in the air from lack of sleep, and bloated you to the size of the universe. Yes, a boyfriend once told me (several times) that I exaggerate. Hehe.

3. Have a blog. So even if your gazillion reading, research and writing hours never see the light of day in a respectable academic journal/ publication what have you that's judged by the jury of your peers, you're published. And read without judgment by your peers. Well, hopefully. Hehe.

More rules, later.

oh, mollie

My new "friend" Mollie (she of the book Counseling to End Violence Against Women: A Subversive Model) is tiring me out.

She is tiring me out because she writes so compellingly and yet I have to resist her.

I have to resist her because I want to be able to voice my questions and dilemmas in the face of the waves of her rage, her opinions and her point-blank certainty.

Por ejemplo, mi amor: "Women are always subject to the control of men, and women accommodate their behavior to mollify men and avoid the extremes of men's exertions of power. They marry, they become dutiful subjects, they cajole, they nurture, and they enjoy the few privileges they are permitted. These behaviors become defined as "women's nature."

Oh, man.

That is so true, really. And I am always conscious of that in myself especially when talking with men I am not close to. When in doubt, I tend to fall on the ever-ready gender-stereotypical ways of relating -- you know coddling egos, mollifying, soothing, nurturing, being nice. Fuck. Especially when I don't really give too much of a damn, and am mostly sure that I will not be conversing with them again or too much. When I don't care about them and I'm too tired to make an effort to be truly me, I become the cardboard "everywoman," pretty neat smiling and accommodating.

And then there are times when I have to talk to some men more, because after all we live in a world with both women and men, and I would really like to be friends, and authentic, with both, so I have to make the effort to introduce the real me, and sometimes to do it in such a way that I am not shut off/ immediately stereotyped/ but will be listened to, and will make an impact in degrees because basically, all I really want ...

Is a nice space, expanding, where we can sit and talk, and get to know each other, as real people :)

As equals.

(and of course, I have misrepresented Mollie here by just giving one paragraph of her entire book, and then moving on to my emotional reaction to reading her, which turns out to be not about her, but about me, and in fact, the bigger reasons why I am resisting Mollie is not found above but will probably be found in some other blog post when I find the time, or perish if i don't find the time, to blog instead of writing the counseling plan i am currently making "hapa" on.)

so there.