the importance of pasabi

i wanted to see you on a tuesday
before i flew off on a wednesday
to live another lifetime without you.

but i didn't know where you were
tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday
and the weekend. without you.

because girlfriends jump when you ask them to

Because girlfriends jump when you ask them to -- for a photo opportunity, in solidarity, just because -- we set off for Boracay :)



Hello, blue skies.


Hello, yummy brunch.


Hello, sunny beach.


sailboat sungay




the kissable sunset


keep off the grass at the mall


pissed at love


sigh, that full skinny dipping moon


thank you gfs for a wonderful time. :)


and soon enough, hello smoggy sunset.

sounds bongga

Refinement *
At its highest, this influence denotes a refined spirituality in love, with a total lack of selfishness and a feeling of complete soul-union with a loved one. At its worst, you might be disappointed in a loved one who did not live up to your expectations, which were probably unrealistic in the first place. Daydreaming, probably the most common effect of this influence, is usually harmless and pleasant as long as you are aware of reality. You will experience a refined sense of beauty and a desire to have your surroundings be as lovely as possible. However, you are not in a practical frame of mind and should postpone anything that requires good judgement in relationships or finances. A positive effect of this influence upon relationships is that you feel a selfless kind of love.


The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Venus Conjunction Neptune exact at 06:41
activity period from 11 October 2005 to 12 October 2005.

courtesy of www.astro.com

go!

let me be bold and say these out loud :D let me be kapal if kapal will let the universe know, i'm willing.

i wish our mini-research on synchronicity in therapy can be published somewhere ... why not that psych journal? ;) simply because it's interesting! can be of popular interest! can spark more research! can provoke reflection and growth! wahahaha! ;)) kapal nga.

i wish Maybel's story can be published simply because it is truly a story worth telling (and thus one I truly enjoyed writing). i wish more stories like Maybel's can be written and published as a series. i think HB's group would be willing, when in time, Maybel be willing too.

so there, go! i am willing to do the necessary revisions and additions and expansions. for free, even (ooops. with pay, good too :D). just don't make me write it in filipino. not now, anyway.

prayers for pakistan

oh mother. i'm trying to do a short article on health communication which unfortunately involves disaster communication, and it's hard to do because it means surfing some more on that killer quake in Pakistan. unofficial estimates count 35,000 dead. it's hard to imagine 35,000 people together, more so perished, more so children.

and i am especially scared of earthquakes after that time in 1991 when the lamppost on a street campus started swaying in wide arcs (and that was the least of it then).

and so, prayers for pakistan, and india, and the himalayas.

ditcher

dear chester,

i'm sorry to miss your concert, and the general camaraderie and good times of a hundred like-minded, same groove people (or not) all in one location :D.

i decided to ditch it at half past five, when having passed our 45-page research paper, i recognized that i am two days behind sked, and moreover, am afflicted with this new disease called i-wanna-do-well :D

i have eight articles to submit to that other ngo down that other road, plus an exam tomorrow.

i'm sure it went well. i know you know you always have all my support (psychic or more) in all your endeavors.

lookin' forward to some groovin' gf times with you again soon. trick or treat!

love,

eula

kris aquino wears red on mondays

the other day, my new black slippers weren't enough to top up missing you.
i stood leaning sideways on the bathroom wall and cried.
sometimes, it's not true that love comes from nowhere.
it comes from hidden spring or perhaps a plant,
that likes being sung to.
(but still, it's there. of course, it's there.
was there ever a threat it wouldn't be?)

today, finally the blazing hot sun.
will beat on me when i finally submit that lovely paper i've been slaving on.
wherever you are, may the sun find you too.
and may you think good kind thoughts of me.

oh NO. oh yes ...

Kick me.

I've just left my P157 kilogram of Purefoods bacon bits and ends on the tricycle. And I can't remember anything about the trike except that he followed instructions as to where to pass.

Bread and cheese. That's what's dinner going to be, I guess.

isn't she lovely

Introduction

We learn new things every day. Like keeping company with the very wonderful Stevie, I've just realized that Isn't She Lovely is about a baby! Hehehe! ... I can see the Priestess rolling her eyes! But Priestess, how was I to know the entertaining Perfect Match was actually from Nick Hornby's Fever Pitch?! But as I said, we learn new things daily :D

Isn’t she lovely
Isn’t she wonderful
Isn’t she precious
Less than one minute old
I never thought through love we’d be
Making one as lovely as she
But isn’t she lovely made from love?

*******

But Anyway

My ugly self has reared its head once more. So better stay away till I get it sedated, or it's spent, or lulled by the smell of money, or flushed in the toilet, or melted away by my love and amusement. Or drowned in milk chocolate.

It's the usual. Everyone has a shadow. And I have finally finally realized that when I start to get that feeling, yes, that feeling when-I-ask-now, I-mean-now or-else-I-will-explode and-now, and that why-do-I-feel-like-I'm-that-fixture-in-your-life-again-that-you-take for-granted, make-some-effort-and-now!, I must keep it to myself. Hahaha. While it's in combustible form anyway.


********
Gifted with that rare experience, a smooth and worry free taxi ride in the dark of night, I flattered myself wondering if my love holds you up, too, like a beam of light picks out, and holds, an actor on a stage. Love like light, both wave and particle (now you know tita e, why I asked you about Einstein). Love like a sunbeam, love like a spotlight that warms you. Without you knowing or needing that or not.

...

......

half-time

ambot na lang kung ngaa nasajahan gid ko ni sang amon research man? kung ginasulat ko na gani, daw nanamitan gid ko kag ginakilig. mga naka 20 na ka "sorry talaga" ang groupmate ko sa akon kay kulang iya gakapasa pero daw mga naka 20 man ko ka "don't worry". hehehe, nasajahan na ako na lang.

it's the only thing that can keep me invisible on yahoo messenger for hours on end, keep me mum on text, and even stop me from harassing him to text me more often. the world disappears.

must go though, have class. must end the paper tonight too. for numbers 5, 6, 7 await. and there's racket, it's number 8.

3/7

pardon me ;D

buttheysaidwehadareallygoodreviewoflit
wewereabletotieupandrelatethedifferentcomplicatedconcepts
plustheysaidtheresultswerewellorganized
andtheyhadnonegativecomments, justencouragingones
isaidthankyouseveraltimes

iwassoglad:D
iguessthisiswhathappenswhenyoulikewhatyou'redoing
youdon'tevenmindatallthatyoudid75%oftheworkofthegroup
ohthankyouuniverseitwasgreatfun:D

synchronicityrocks.

(andthankgoodnessihadthepresencetojotdownmypresence'sfeelings
whenididsoididn'thavetoworryaboutthefinalpaperanymore.
didthreeofsevenontime. kewl:D)

1/7

finished my case study--Maybel's Life--and passed it during class.

whew.

;)

six more to go.

i finally found someone

who can keep an umbrella.

yes, i have. :D

yes, she has.

KEPT

her

umbrella.

well-used too. not locked up in an
aparador somewhere.

she's had it since
high school.
and this am she brought it
with her.
to grad school.

me in my 3-week-old yellow umbrella.
she in her old and faded six years and counting
PAYONG.

ps: buddha and priestess, i dare you. ;))

i live with me, and i am loved :P

on a good day alone, i can get into all sorts of little ecstacies by myself (:P sounds dodgy).

like waking up after a full nine hours sleep ... (on the couch where one collapsed after staggering into the house last night) ... looking in the mirror ... and seeing one's lovely post-sleep complexion :D

like looking into one's cellphone (out of signal for the last nine hours) and seeing another interview confirmation with a research respondent (nevermind that the interview is going to be on the exact afternoon before the actual research presentation)

like after turning and tossing aside brunch options in one's head, one is able to make a yummy meal without having to go out of the house into the hot sun or expending energy indoors for less than five minutes: microwaveable spicy mexican rice from one's mother, roommie's or tita e's can of chunkee corned beef (microwaved too), one's brewed coffee, and for dessert, two sticks of tita e's french chocolate, and short sips of roommie's diet coke. and am set for the day :D

like being able to spread one's stuff around (food on one stool, readings on the other, fiolo laftaf on the coffee table, and diaries on the other tv table) without having to answer to or feel guilty for the mess

and surfing by hbo to catch jeff bridges and barbra streisand's finally found someone movie.

mmmmmmm. yummmmm.

one october

GOOD AM! Welcome to my most productive weekend EVER!

(hehehe, a little mindsetting goes a long long way ;) ... I must write my finals paper, finish my case study, do half of our ppt, etc)

sugilanon

siling sang miga ko, "indi ko bala hungod pero naluyag gid ko kay (ngalan sang migo niya) ..."

hahahahaha. huo huo, ako man ako man. indi ko man hungod. (pero wala ko ya naluyag sa migo niya ah).

nakahambal man siya gani nga ano na ya kuno kadamo lang sang parti sa lab sa blog niya. (pero sige lang kuno, tutal iya man na ya blog). ako man ako man. ginhambal ko man na sa lawas ko. wala man sa ginapagamay ko akon kalibutan no (kay wala man gid, gusto ko gani magdako) ... gakapinsaran ko lang nga mas mayo magkalabot ako sa damo pa nga iban nga bagay. (may ara man ko labot ah, wala ko lang ginagusto isulat).

ayos?

days of october

on tuesday, i submit a case study
on wednesday, we present a research paper, and submit a finals paper
on friday, we submit the final research paper

the week after that...

tuesday, an exam
thursday, submit final long-quiz
friday, submit final end of term paper

and then after that, i go to Boracay.

wahahahahaha.

sabunot self. :D

trickster friendster

wahahahaha. am glad i haven't been up to stalking lately (not that it's a regular habit :P like blogging). someone sent me a friendster smile today, and so, logged in, i discovered that you can now check who looked at your profile in the last 30 days. (friend says you can set your settings to anonymous, but still)

did i really not peek at anyone's profile in the month of September? yeah, i did. guapo mo kasi. love you, pare. hehehe.

ang sa akin lang

Nakakailang kung paano nagtutugma ang lahat ng aking skedyul sa susunod na dalawang buwan. Nakakanerbiyos ng kaunti dahil "to-the-day" ang pagkaayos ng mga magaganap (sila-sila na ang nag-ayos, i swear). Pero magaling pa rin ang pagkaayos dahil walang nagkakasabay (double or multiple-booking) at may tama lang na one-day transitions. Pati ang mga deadline ay mangyayari sa tamang panahon. Ang masasabi ko na lamang ay, katok-katok, Salamat Po!

*******

May bumabagabag sa aking isipan. Nakikinita ko na kailangan ko nang kausapin ang management ng Yoni, ang "aming" grocery, na tigilan na nila ang kanilang anniversary jingle-advert. Hindi talaga nakakatulong. Nakakasira ng grocery experience. Sa halip ng masayahin o soothing music, nakakasira ng araw ang walangtigil na recording. Promise.

********

O siya, hanggang sa susunod at tambak pa ang aking mga gagawin. Pero, masaya naman ;)

oh :)

i miss you already!

and do take care of yourself.

i hope we'll be friends forever.


*********

hmmmm. as an aside: if i were to propose, that's what i would say :D

bits

i caught myself nodding vigorously to a friend's comment, nodding yes the way you do. (it felt like it.)

*******

a gf telling me about her to-have-a-baby-or-not-to-have-a-baby soon question. said she plans to give birth here. goodie. i replied maybe i should make sabay. which got her excited. her hubby has declared he doesn't want to see her in pain. so maybe, gf and i can hold each other's hands and scream together in the act. hehehe! after all, we did swear to be co-parents long ago.

*******

gf 2: yes you're entitled to emote.
gf 3: yes, that's one thing am absolutely sure of.

gf 2: bakit mo siya nagustuhan?
gf 3: ewan ko. tanungin mo ang puso ko.

naks naman :D

*******

aemon: bravo maya bravo!

HB HB

HB HB,
originally uploaded by Pansy.

Happy Birthday tomorrow Honeybun ;))

May you dance forever and a day.

theme song

it's been a week and am still so in love with:

As now can't reveal the mystery of tomorrow
But in passing will grow older every day ...

julan

possible elements of this sabado:

vick's (hehe)
vit. c
hot stuff (coffee, soup, tea, sinigang)
kumot
textbook
pleasure reading
internet
umbrellas

now that i have ascertained that i have no comment on case study 1 (for racket #2),
let's go to sleep for tomorrow and the day after i have trainors' training (for racket/volunteer work #3)!!!!!!

paumod

in the balanced libra light of day or rain of day (like today),
i know the answer is in paumod.

the answer has always been paumod. :) from day one.
the rule should be, never at the same time.

it's like a seesaw. when one takes the extreme end,
the other has to take the other just to keep the balance.

can i do paumod? :)
(this reminds me of that once rhetorical question,
would i move a million miles for love?)

yes, i can do paumod.
if you'll do paumod too.

(hehehe! that appears to be the only secret to keeping the peace with me
forever and ever, amen. i'll wash the dishes if you'll wash the
dishes too. i'll let your mood pass if you'll let my mood pass
too. my Capricorn nature will give to the nth degree if i can
trust that you'll pull your own weight. lol. it's not as bad or
as mercenary as it sounds, promise. it's quite sweet. and it's
the reason why roommie and i work out.

or i could be wrong ;)) )

pusis

roommie: huy, wag kang aalis bukas. dito lang tayo. magwork tayo. wag kang aalis ha.

pansy: huh? bakit mo ba ako kinukulong? mas possessive ka pa sa bf ko.

roommie: huh? eh hindi naman talaga possessive ang bf mo.

ahahaha

picture this: the girl to my left with her hair up, and wearing eyeglasses has a stack of thesis to her left and is busily typing in the salient points of these onto her laptop. behind me, studious guy is copiously taking notes from his thick textbook.

i, on the other hand, after booting out the girl occupying the table next to the electric socket, have been chatting with dd, dawdled at friendster for a minute, and now am blogging.

all of us in the grand company of bookshelves upon bookshelves of thesis and dissertations, years of pain and joy holding each other up in this small section of my favorite library.

***

the bigger news is that as of 12 minutes ago, i have become officially married. yes. you heard it right.

on friendster. i pronounced myself married. my bridal attire: peach long sleeved top, Levi's low-waist jeans and my brown calf-boots, so there! married and dressed comfily, it doesn't get any better than that! i am even wearing my women-men symbols ring.

hahahaha.

***

on my second try, i still haven't caught the presentation of the research titled "boys don't cry or do they?" i was late to the forum mainly because i was glued to the tv watching this plane with twisted wheels (or something like that) attempt an emergency landing at LAX.

ahhhh, the stuff of my nightmares. every few seconds i'd click to a more cheerful channel.

but they landed safely in the time i finally got into the shower.

whew. my bar of soap, 100+ lives.

***

didn't get to sleep early last night either because tita e and i caught the finale of rockstar inxs (right after i oriented her on all the characters of one tree hill and their various inter-relations) on our beige couch.

what can i say? :D bagay si jd. but contests like this in the end make you think twenty other thoughts about the prize itself. that in the end there's more than one prize, and the original prize isn't really all that it's cut out to be, after all. that you lost, but still, you won.

kasi, the black guy didn't win, the women didn't win, the mabait rocker-theater person Capricorn didn't win, or Libran sweetie blondie Marty didn't win. in the end, JD, the angsty bratty inconsistent but hella sexy singer guy won. worlds have changed and haven't.

ayos lang pareng migs, lika dito hug kita. (hehehe i guess dahon gets marty). so cute, he thanked australia and the philippines. also, that bohemian rhapsody of his (sorry for the stereotype but for lack of a better description), was soooo gay. it was great and all, but i guess, not inxs.

***

and now am stuck wanting to gulp some pepsi and needing the bathroom, but having to defend my socket-available table, and protect my belongings.

***

take care, you.

aht and eating

food and eating out being one of the great urban preoccupations (and cause of cash drain), here are three breakfast tips if you find yourself on matalino st. and immediate side sts.

1. garlic longganisa at alex grill (till 10 or 11 am only)
2. tocino at mocha blends (all day)
3. tapa at pancake house (all day)


*************

in Frozen, the play staged by the New Voice Company, the mother character talks of her daughter who urges her to forgive the killer of her other daughter. specifically, to go see him, let go, and create space in her life.

"She now has this way of talking. Like a diet and exercise book."

Hahahaha. That made me laugh.

(it was really good btw. i wish more people saw it :) )

***************

Dahon, today in Starting Over, the roommates moped, missing Denise. Hahahaha. That gaga gaga girl. I don't know if she's Capricorn but her being so broomhilda sometimes, I wouldn't be surprised.

But they made Candy, the woman with the lengths of curly red hair, the one who's plump and beautiful like mother earth (if only she could see it) pose for three women artists. And oh my, her portraits were gorgeous, three different portraits in different media. Very goddess-sy. Iyanla made her point.

***************

And last night, we wanted to dance. Jazz.


**************

back to foodie-ness, i was sitting at my school dep't a few days ago seriously craving chocolait. how happy it made me to discover ice cold Milo at the caf. Yoohoo. ;))

heard on sunday radio

As
by Stevie Wonder

As around the sun the earth knows she's revolving
And the rosebuds know to bloom in early May
Just as hate knows love's the cure
You can rest your mind assure
That I'll be loving you always
As now can't reveal the mystery of tomorrow
But in passing will grow older every day
Just as all is born is new
Do know what I say is true
That I'll be loving you always

Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky---ALWAYS
Until the ocean covers every mountain high---ALWAYS
Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea---ALWAYS
Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream

Did you know that true love asks for nothing
Her acceptance is the way we pay
Did you know that life has given love a guarantee
To last through forever and another day
Just as time knew to move on since the beginning
And the seasons know exactly when to change
Just as kindness knows no shame
Know through all your joy and pain
That I'll be loving you always
As today I know I'm living but tomorrow
Could make me the past but that I mustn't fear
For I'll know deep in my mind
The love of me I've left behind Cause I'll be loving you always

Until the day is night and night becomes the day---ALWAYS
Until the trees and seas just up and fly away---ALWAYS
Until the day that 8x8x8 is 4---ALWAYS
Until the day that is the day that are no more
Did you know that you're loved by somebody?
Until the day the earth starts turning right to left---ALWAYS
Until the earth just for the sun denies itself
I'll be loving you forever
Until dear Mother Nature says her work is through---ALWAYS
Until the day that you are me and I am you---AL~~~~~~WA~~
~~~~~AA~~~~~~~AA~~~~
Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky~~~~~AA~~~~
~~~~AA~~~~~~~AA~~~~~~~~~AA~~~~~~~YS~~ALWAYS

We all know sometimes lifes hates and troubles
Can make you wish you were born in another time and space
But you can bet you life times that and twice its double
That God knew exactly where he wanted you to be placed
so make sure when you say you're in it but not of it
You're not helping to make this earth a place sometimes called Hell
Change your words into truths and then change that truth into love
And maybe our children's grandchildren
And their great-great grandchildren will tell
I'll be loving you

Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky--Loving you
Until the ocean covers every mountain high--Loving you
Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea--Loving you
Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream--Be loving you
Until the day is night and night becomes the day--Loving you
Until the trees and seas up, up and fly away--Loving you
Until the day that 8x8x8x8 is 4--Loving you
Until the day that is the day that are no more--Loving you
Until the day the earth starts turning right to left--Be loving you
Until the earth just for the sun denies itself--Loving you
Until dear Mother Nature says her work is through--Loving you
Until the day that you are me and I am you--
Now ain't that loving you
Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky
Ain't that loving you
Until the ocean covers every mountain high
And I've got to say always
Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea~~AL~~~WA~~~AYS
Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream-Um AL~~WA~~AYS
Until the day is night and night becomes the day-AL~~~~WA~~AYS
Until the trees and seas just up and fly away-AL~~WA~~~AA~~~~~
Until the day that 8x8x8 is 4~~~~~AA~~~~~~~AA~~~~~~~AA
Until the day that is the day that are no more-AA~~~~AA~~AA~~~AYS
Until the day the earth starts turning right to left-AL~~~WA~~~A~~~AA
Until the earth just for the sun denies itself-~~AA~~~AA~~~AA~~~AYS
Until dear Mother Nature says her work is through-AL~~~WAYS
Until the day that you are me and I am you
Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky
Until the ocean covers every mountain high
Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea
Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream
Until the day is night and night becomes the day
Until the trees and seas just up and fly away
Until the day that 8x8x8 is 4
Until the day that is the day that are no more
Until the day the earth starts turning right to left
Until the earth just for the sun denies itself
Until dear Mother Nature says her work is through
Until the day that you are me and I am you

red for rainy days

cheesecake!001,
originally uploaded by Pansy.

from my shoebox of pics. an old one by dd.

how dare i

accuse a stone of not having feelings :D
maybe, it does, like i do. ;))

as you can super see

i am taking the torturous route to quiz no. 6

grrrrr. rain. memory. memory. memory. (quiz no. 6 is on memory and i need to be gone already)

"all my hard work is finally paying off"

paying off, i don't know. the hard work isn't it?
said like a true capricorn.

(denise, bal-an, is leaving the Starting Over house, her hard work is finally paying off, daw :D)

if i could draw cartoons :D

i will, i think ;)

the ever-absent present

ka BAHUL na gid na ya.

if it's meant to be, so shall it be.

spread your fingers wide open.

early

a most excellent morning :D

due to synchronicity (wahahaha) i kept waking up in starts to read my groupmate's text messages at 2 am asking if i could interview respondent number 1 at 745 am. of course of course. my fear of not having respondents is much greater than my love of sleep. i even woke up again "in time" to read her text message at 701, and i rolled out of bed at 727 to get ready for the 745 am interview. i arrived at the uni at 755, no respondent yet. i pretended to be a psych major making tambay at the possessively-labeled benches. man, 'twas too early and too cold to be sitting on the dirty stairs :D (just that i remembered the dark looks we threw at strangers sitting innocently on our tambayan benches, back when we had a tambayan, or rather, back when our college org was still alive huhuhuhu).

teacher arrived past nine am, flamboyantly and colorfully, waving to the various students waiting for her, and saying my groupmate's name out loud. aquarian, i said to myself, amused and amazed at her presence. very aquarian, again i said to myself, as she waved a student to a pc, pulled up chairs for us, and in the midst of it all and everyone, we conducted our interview.

i was very impressed, she was very spiritual, and the perfect respondent for our topic (meaning, she more than has the concept of synch, she lives it). she cried a bit remembering how her relationship with God started, and all throughout the interview my little hairs (:P) kept standing up. i thanked her profusely for her time.

then i went to have breakfast at the old college cafe, where everything's mostly the same except now there's brewed coffee. :D i had ampalaya, spam, rice and coffee. a most excellent breakfast. then texted everyone to do the same thing again some time (the human compulsion to repeat good experiences hehe, the OC search for good times). then i walked a bit and thought of buying someone flowers but didn't want to leave it at a desk, so saved the thought for next time.

i must say the early birds probably do get some good worms. time for a nap now though, do you think? hehehe!

the nose knows

whole day late night thoughts and though words are cheap, writing them out makes them a commitment:

that i really want to live up to some of the things i said i (would) do, no excuses
that i never want to crowd you (and a good cute question is how many times is a healthy number of times to say i love you :D in a day)
that i never consciously want to hurt you, even in my thoughts, and the words i say, and have lately even taken notice of the things i can't say anymore because they aren't true anymore, because i have already chosen you

and many other thoughts that i keep to myself but release out to the universe for support for good wishes.

clouds in my coffee

roommie wants me to go and enjoy a cuppa at the neighborhood coffeeshop. her treat, she says.

but two treats in one day at the same cafe might be pushing it.

i'm the girl who doesn't want to watch one movie after another because i want to savor the feeling of one movie at a time :D

(and also because i just had coffee from somewhere else before her invitation, hehehe!)

para kay nanay

Nanay,

There are words
that only a mother
can say,
things
that only a mother
can know...

Help
that only a mother
can give,
Care
that only a mother
can show

And those times
when only a mother
will do,
I feel so lucky
because
I have you.

Happy BIRTHDAY!

(again, Hallmark's but it goes for me and mother too :D)

can't help it :D

all my good intentions keep getting swept away in the face of friendship and fun :)

but nevermind, there's a time for everything, under heaven. and friendship is so much more than just a good intention.

eh ikaw kaya

time and time and time and time again,

it's so easy to pronounce

when it isn't you in the hotseat

to pronounce and denounce and judge

easy peasy :D

but when it's you in a situation

wahahahaha

the joke's on you ;)

the irony's almost enough

to shut you up for life :D

(and so here i kneel, hat in hand
except that i don't wear hats because
of my bangs, pleeeeeease universe,
may it please you ;))) )

Monday beerness

;))

the way my week's set up, Monday is my most laidback day :) (and so too next sem, I think). and i've grown to love the respite that the beginning of the week brings. usually, i just have a date with liza (more on this some other time), and my personal chores and errands. or an exra racket deadline or two.

so, when i got home, i felt like a beer and some bbq. but no! priestess already had a beer and some bbq! bryan already had several beers somewhere. tita eds is in germany. roommie doesn't drink. jayson makes you go thru an entire interview portion about what's the agenda and why don't i go with my lover (hehehe. agenda: hunger). luckily, hb says yes to a bottle. and some bbq.

woohoo. ;)

a few things we know because of fathers

that being smart and quiet are often the same thing.
that naps can happen almost anywhere.
that respect is something you earn.
that money is, too.
that the most important of all the senses is a sense of humor.
that love is a verb.
that life is a journey.
And no, we're not there yet.

Happy Birthday Dad!

(Hallmark's ;) but it fits me and father)

this one's for you ;)

footloose,
originally uploaded by Pansy.

mwah!

losing my religion

my thursday teacher asked, "so class, what happens when you lose your short-term memory?"

hahaha. story of my life. she should have asked my friends. last night i recommended a pair of shoes to HB that i meant to say were in red and black but it turns out i said were in red and blue (she saved my text message!).

and just now, i asked the priestess, if she had seen her pic with ovaltine at friendster???? HAHAHAHAHA. I meant at flicker. She panicked, of course! Having someone tell you your pic with a man holding a bouquet of yellow roses is on friendster somewhere, is worlds different from having someone tell you it's on her flicker account.

or talked to my mom who roll-calls before she hits on the right kid (don-pops-joy?). or talked to my lola who does the same thing only with seven kids in all.

the things that bespeak one's affection

more on the A train.

Someone once told me that all that he wished for from a partner in his future was affection :) (i wish you! i wish you!). I've remembered it because it seemed to me then to be a simple thing that he wished for.

Guess who wrote this passage (a prize for the one who guesses first). I like the between the hyphens :)
"Tangible touchstones of affection like that have a way of insulating the love that is already beautifully shared, in the same way that it can soften the pain that such a love can entail. It diffuses into more manageable bits the differences that are a reality in any relationship. If not for the little things – the things that bespeak one’s affection – we would never be as close a couple as we are."

As the girlfriend who had a yellow umbrella, did also describe: because love can be as simple as when you get to meet a special person--one who is kind and decent and loving and honest and generous with affection.

Wala lang to. Hehehe.

if there's time before breakfast...

why don't you just marry me, and let's get this over with :)

so anyway :)

i'm dumbfounded. have actually been feeling really rather loving today :D. behind the words there's just love. behind the exasperation, there's just love. have you heard of loving exasperation? :)

today, i realized that maybe, for me, there's really no backing out. maybe this is it. i mean, hell, yeah.

but anyway. that's just me :).

(ps. i am not george bush :D ... don't train those damn missiles on me! :))

commitment

"if you're listening, that which you seek is also seeking you," so Wednesday teacher quoted someone (hahaha didn't catch who). "other people call this synchronicity," she added.

that pleased me no end because that's how i read the book Synchronicity by Joseph Jaworski I was telling you all about a few months ago. JJ talked about synchronicity happening (invisible helping hands) when you commit yourself to your truths, your goals, your dreams. you know, when in your heart of hearts, you know you want something, and then you give all of yourself, your being, to pursuing that dream, that vision, and if it is truly your truth and what you are destined to be doing, then it is as if a "ground of being" opens up that supports you, because what you are doing is part of the whole, of the dynamic interrelated universe. there is a whole new space for you and your dream.

and so we always have a part in creating the future that we want to step into :)

does that seem to make sense to you? some of the elements that i understand to be part of the above:

1. it has to be the truest of truths, not something you just want to happen so you can pass off another version of yourself

2. it has to be something to the good, something you can will do/ be, that will redound to the good of everyone

3. and this is where commitment comes in, it has to be something you really really want and thus give yourself to... so you will be supported. otherwise, if you aren't sure and you're taking one step forward and two steps back (yes and no) the energies won't know whether to support you or not.

you know, when there's no turning back ;)

was sharing all this with a friend last weekend when she was talking about dreams, and goals, and love. and i said, yup, just go right ahead and dream, and commit yourself to it. if it's the right thing for you, you'll get the support that you need.

but you don't have to take my word for it of course. (just tell me later what happens ;) )

test

dear friends,

let's see if this is true. two elements tomorrow: something startling/ surprising and communication.

report back to hq on the 10th with your revelations.

love,

scaredy pig

September 9: Mercury opposite Uranus
Talk about a day to remember! Communicative Mercury and startling Uranus will get together in an opposition, arguably one of the two most difficult aspects. This is the stuff that sudden, sometimes upsetting, communications are made of, and even complete strangers can easily end up on the receiving end. Of course, with the element of surprise so prominent, even if you know someone well, one or both of you may be prompted to impulsively confide something you never, ever thought you would. Go ahead. Make some coffee and share the news -- after you've extracted a solemn promise.

come as you are

thursdays, www.astro.com lets you read all your significant stars for the coming, days, weeks months. it's become a thursday habit, it kinda helps too. for instance, here're some of my long-term influences:

A delicate equilibrium
Valid during several months: During this time you may try to assert your individuality in a relationship. Sometimes this occurs when you feel that you are giving too much in a relationship and getting too little. Or the situation can be the exact opposite; that is, you have been giving too little, and your partner is resentful. Any successful relationship, especially a sexual one, is a delicate balance between the needs and desires of each person as an individual ego and their desire to achieve meaning through a relationship. The equilibrium is very delicate and easily upset now. At this time the two of you have to define what you want from each other. It is sometimes necessary to be quite explicit about what you want, because whatever is left unsaid may very well be the main source of conflict between you.

Mars Square Venus
activity period from 4 September 2005 until end of January 2006.


or this

Checking your attitudes
Valid during many months: This time is usually characterized by self-confidence and assurance. You are able to see where you are going now and to obtain help in getting there. At the same time you are very concerned with knowing yourself on a deep inward level, usually to facilitate achieving your ambition.

This is a time when you try to rely primarily on yourself. You will not refuse help from others, but it is more desirable to go it alone or at least on your own. You need to prove yourself to yourself and, to a lesser extent, to others. It is also necessary to establish patterns in your life now that will lead to accomplishment later on. You must develop disciplined work habits and learn specific ways to deal with situations that arise. Here too you must rely on yourself, because you will be able to judge your effectiveness only if you know that what you are doing is entirely your own.

Most people are rather conservative in their ways of doing things at this time. You may be rather reluctant to experiment with new ways, but that is a pitfall. This should be a time for making careful and considered changes. Such changes can be made voluntarily and without much difficulty now, but later they will be forced upon you in a manner that may be quite unpleasant. Getting into a rut now will ensure the survival of inappropriate behavior patterns, which will create trouble later on.

You should specifically examine your attitudes toward authority figures, work and achievement, responsibility, change and most important, although somewhat abstract, your attitude toward reality. If you are trying to live by attitudes that you have been told to have and that are not really yours, you will feel tense and uneasy when you think about them. Normally you suppress these feelings because you consider it important to maintain your attitudes. But these are the attitudes that have to be changed, because they signify that your thinking is divided about that issue and that you cannot really put energy into making that part of your life work.

Saturn Trine Med.Coeli
activity period from 5 September 2005 until middle of June 2006.

***

Good and gone

Anyway, have talked to two friends lately whose stories have been prefaced with, "Maybe I'm just pms'ing, but..." Hehehe!

Me, I am premenstrual too (you know what they say, women who are with each other most times, will have harmonized monthly cycles, except maybe for the decidedly non-conformist who might decide to get pregnant just to be different :D :P) but I know crying over different things in the last three days isn't just the mens. It's been good though. Things just come up and I grieve over one, and get clarified with myself over another, and sit with myself over still another, and they're gone for good(er) that way when they're gone.

***

Verb

and then too understanding is to-do/ doing/ being done/
a dynamic, not as is, not found still the same
where you left it last
a process, not static, flowing
as we are speaking
i understand you.

but i am not you.
and this too we must understand.

***


Mindful Being

Three Wednesdays ago, had a class exercise on mindful eating (silent chewing, nourishing, savoring, still).

Yesterday, we did mindful being. The instructions were to sit with yourself, keep yourself company, feel how you are, how's your heart's beating, and just to follow what comes up.

Me and I, we had a concert (blame it on the rockstar inxs episode i caught before class). We were sat, nodding head:

Come as you are, as you were,
As I want you to be
As a friend, as a friend, as an old enemy.
Take your time, hurry up
The choice is yours, don't be late.
Take a rest, as a friend, as an old memory
memory, memory, memory

Twas' fun, me and I we enjoyed each other.

(there's more to the exercise but let's save that for next time.)

'coz i've got one hand in your pocket

'coz i've got one hand in your pocket
Originally uploaded by Pansy.

and the other one's flagging a taxi cab. ;))

how old

have asked hb to ask their drug pusher for episodes of one tree hill. hehehe! just kidding just kidding. am too busy to go to jail.

haley's mom: if you can drive at 16, vote at 18, drink at 21 and retire at 65, how old do you have to be to know your love is real?

(on haley and nathan getting married too young.)

and that's for you too priestess, how old does he have to be for you to know he's wonderful? hehehe :D cheers.

and

sometimes, i can break my heart all by myself,

company not necessary.

*then, i want to sabunot me*

ez-em'd

and on a more flighty note,

i got myself a yellow umbrella (:D)

and matching wallets for
she-whose-wallet's-coin-compartment-has-torn-asunder (it's all coins! hahaha)
and he-whose-wallet-was-lost-last-week-and-whose-multiple-id cards-are happily-touring-the-world-somewhere

been shoppin' indeedy :)

spooked

sometimes, it's only really possible to mourn how bad things were when things are so much better.

because when things are blue, you try to gather your inner resources and look straight ahead to when things have to eventually get better. and you can't allow yourself the space to go to pieces.

and sometimes, when you're at a good pitstop, you smile and shrug and shred the tissues, helpless in hope, that really, the sun will continue to shine as brightly and as warmly as it lately has.

especially when you realize, that yes, you have always always always known what it was that you've wanted all along, anyway. to you it's always been pretty clear.

and you continue to hold out for it, for just what it is that you've always wanted.

knowing that what's meant to be will happen, and the only thing that you've got to do after all, anyhow, and anywho and at any time, is be who you are.

and when you've done what you can, laid bare your good intentions, learned from your mistakes, you now know enough to let things be.

Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you
That someday it would lead me back to you

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave

By Maroon Five

mahal ko

ang mayor ng new orleans.

mabigat ang kanyang pasan-pasan.
hindi siya puti. (pogi.)

(at mahal ko kasi ang lousiana dahil sa divine secrets of the yaya sisterhood, si vivi at sidda walker, naalala niyo? tsaka isa yon sa pinaka-cool na lugar sa US hindi ba?)

lab is

going out into the rain again for dinner, even when you've already bought and brought home dinner.

hahahahaha

;))

p.s. promise, i only ate one :D

This is the pic that accompanies the preceding post.

Image145.jpg
Originally uploaded by Pansy.

THE BRASS MONKEYS behind a girl. hehehe.

Hitting the Brass Notes

Followed the traveling shades and its various pet persons to Monk’s inside Wasabi for a full-on Brass Monkeys set (in suits). Yes, sometimes we venture out of our QC hideaway, in high heels and all, on a busy rainy Friday night, and part with our very limited monies, for a good cause! (In this case, the traveling shades that soon will be traveling again.)

Groovy, the band opened with the heartwarmers:

Somewhere beyond the sea
Somewhere waitin' for me
My lover stands on golden sand
And watches the ships that go sailin'...that go sailin'....


Fly me to the moon
Let me sing among those stars
Let me see what spring is like
On jupiter and mars
In other words, hold my hand.

Sure, yes we’ll hold your hand! Even thru the all-religious:

Oh, when the saints go marching in,
Oh, when the saints go marching in
Lord how I want to be in that number
When the saints go marching in


Or that dang catchy colonial:

He wanna be Americano
Americano, Americano
He wants to drive a Cadillac
Now he's chasing showgirls
Smokin' Camels,whiskey and soda
Now he's never goin' back

At breaktime, this Japanese guy on his way out the door takes a look at my dinner and went: aaaah, donburi. Gave him a full smile, then he goes and gestures that it will make my tummy big. Waaaaaah.

Getting back to the romance, friend of friends jammed with:

Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.

Ending the song on his knees, with a small opened box with a ring. Yes he proposed at Monk's :D. Congrats you two.

And and and that woman we refused to give up a chair for (sorry!) went up the stage and in her throaty voice, went:

I don't remember what day it was
I didn't notice what time it was
All I know is that I fell in love with you
And if all my dreams come true
I'll be spending time with you

Every day's a new day in love with you
With each day comes a new way of loving you
Every time I kiss your lips my mind starts to wander
And if all my dreams come true
I'll be spending time with you


Had us all on our feet, singing along with her:

I love you more today than yesterday
But not as much as tomorrow
I love you more today than yesterday
But, darling, not as much as tomorrow


Goodie! Love that song! Loved that ever since we all sat around the conference table to watch Ally McBeal.

Had another song from her that went:

You must take the A train
To go to Sugar Hill way up in Harlem
If you miss the A train
You'll find you missed the quickest way to Harlem

Oh honey, you don’t know, but yes, we are on the A train.

Sat the next one out and observed the boob-shaking brass monkeys:

Exit, light
Enter, Night
Take my hand
we're off to never-never land

Yes, that’s what you see when your friends are all dancing and you’re sitting right in front of them. Hehehe.

Band said they were singing a Pinoy song dedicated to this cute couple. Wooohooo, we cheered and prepared to dance to another catchy tune… trapped.

O kay gulo o kay gulo
Naiinis na nga ako
Sa dinami dami ba naman ng babae sa buong mundo
Sabihin mo na pare
Si aida o si lorna o si fe?

Uh-oh. Major trouble. We could get thrown out of the coven for this (Dark Lord: did you know that adultery is also violence against women?)

Chester rewrote the lyrics:

Si Aida o si lorna o si fe…scratch that… iisa lang talaga ang mahal ko!

WOOHOOO. Now we will starve for a week :D.

gf series 3: isang-puno-bukid

am recruiting for one tree hill ;))

brooke: but he's a guy, peyton. they're all the same.
peyton: brooke, you have lucas now. enjoy it!


brooke: i like what i like and i do what i do, and that's me.
lucas: and i like that about you.
brooke: but the books that you read, and the music that you listen to, i don't know anything about that...
lucas: but i've never asked that of you. i like that we're different.
brooke: i'm sorry, but you're the first great guy that i've ever dated, i've never cared a rat's ass before...
lucas: i care a rat's ass about you too
*kiss*

lol!


*****

brooke: i'm leaving for the entire summer, perhaps forever, and my bestfriend is engaged in some kind of foreplay with a kinda married guy, and she has an interview...(blah blah blah)
brooke: ok, what are you doing?
peyton: (dialing phone)... ok i know you're feeling needy right now, so i'm calling to postpone the interview for after you leave.

gf series 2: the sisterhood of the traveling pants

for every girl whose life has been saved at one time or the other, or oh just the other day, and starting from when you were six, by girlfriends.

bring food (we recommend planet pita's meal of lay's sour cream and onion, [choose your pita sandwich], and coke), tissues (enough to pass around), and enjoy! :D

my eyes started watering two minutes into the movie :D

i remembered my school girlfriends of long ago, and trawling the "mall" shop by shop on Saturdays. and the sleepover party they threw for me the first semestral break i was home from college. and the fact that every time i meet one of them these years, i'm always so glad, they're so nice! and open-minded! (hehehe!)

gf series 1: the future of the world

gf, the future of the universe rests on your shoulders, errr, sorry, your egg :D.

you are the last woman on earth and you have two choices.

who will father your child?

a. someone who smells great but isn't too smart
b. or someone who's sooo smart but isn't too fragrant?

hey hey

my my

:)

journey to whatis

Wednesday
Carebear: I give up, I’m never going to get out of this place. Besides, meeting for coffee and studying is not conducive for studying. Why don’t we set a date for Saturday at the mall?
VV: I’m not sure, I don’t know when B is coming back and when I’ll see him. I’ll text you on Saturday.

Friday
Roommie: So what are you doing tonight? If my dinner with C does not push thru, and the dinner with F does not push thru either, want to watch a movie? (lol! super fallback position :p)
VV: I don’t know what I’m doing tonight. But I really want to see B.
Roommie: Ay! Oo nga pala.

VV: I want to go to Brass Munkeys later, but I really want to see B.
Priestess: Yes, see him. I want you to see him more than I want to see you.
VV: lol! But if I can’t see him, can I see you?
Priestess: lol! yes, VV it would be my pleasure.

Honey: Hunny and luv, are you really going to BM later?
VV: Yes honey! And I’m really looking forward to seeing you there.
Honey: Ok honey!

Carebear: So if you have a date tomorrow, can I tag along?
VV: If I don’t have a date tomorrow, let’s hit the mall.
Carebear: yes! yes!

Buddha: Baka puwede naman tayong mag-kopi bukas? (with carebear)
VV: I don’t know. If I’m not doing anything tomorrow, I’ll text you.

Priestess: Am seeing a rose tomorrow.
Hers: A what? A rose?

Saturday
HB: Busy tonight HB? Want to study at Coffee Bean after dinner?

* v * v *
Get well soon Bryan.

concentration keeps the rhythm

concentration now begins...

childhood chants. adult rants. :D

my brain after all is working. it's concentrating on hours-long chunks. yesterday chunk: synchronicity. last night till morning: ICT. noon till now chunk: research methodologies. must now move into the role of men in families chunks for my next class, not to mention a side trip to siblings-relationships chunk for my report in two weeks.

my heart, however, is all of one chunk :D. (let's not get into what my heart is saying lest it get my brain out of order, like my printer has gone bonkers, banging around without producing print.)

oh well, good enough i live with an iraqi :D

VV: roommie roommie don't worry, you're now an iraqi.
roommie: whaaaat? why?
VV: yahoo says, 'Iraqis miss third constitution deadline.'
roommie: wahahahha, gaga ka, i hate you.

we are girls with deadlines :D

roommie leaves room haughtily, "right, i am going back to writing the constitution."

law-ay

I think am starting to fit the fiction novel description of the graduate student: hairy haggard and ugly!!!!!!!

But I've just finished my first ever review of literature since 1992. (Now you know why my previous masteral degree experiment failed. LOL.)

101 advice

for those fallen in love:
do it all your own way babes :))). sure, people and the world have done it certain ways, certain days, but do it the way it works for you, as yourselves. (it's not very easy though. it's like the roadmap's been all laid out since you were born, and when you go for a ride, you will tend to follow the roads :P but you can drive right up the tree and down the other side if that's what makes your hearts beat.)

for those dreaming:
once you commit to something that you wish for, and it's something that's to the good, and you're willing to put your heart and soul into, synchronicity will take over the parts that you don't quite know how to get to. commit and pay attention :D

for those stressed
SLEEPING ALWAYS WORKS! ;)) there's nothing that's not helped by a good night's sleep.

oh, that's 3. i also often think giving advice ought to be illegal. hehehe.

when fate intervenes

there they were all in a row.

six types of pumps, all winking cheerily at me, in their reduced price glory (from the original P2,400 to P800).

and all of them in smallest size 7.

tata! my size six self went home with the one ream of copy paper that i set out to the mall for :) (and two pens, one pink :P... one must still have one's little material treats)


* * * * *

So.

The role that John-wider-Cusack (hehehe! someone is going to get mad) is best at: the one who was born only to love Her.

The role that Diane-beauty ever-Lane is best at: She the lovable one, whom "lower" men failed to love.

:D

gaga girl

was all set to work earlier, after a happy sandwich that i've been craving for for a week or so (yes, the sandwich is feeling positive affect, so there! hehe!). i was ready, set, go.

but then i got interrupted, and didn't have my space to myself (these things cannot be helped of course because it's not really just my space, just that i had claimed it for my review of lit ;)) ) and i. just. couldn't. wait. to. be. alone. again. and i was dying for it, and finally, i was, and still i didn't couldn't work.

i had taken a break, and bryan was online. and bryan and i are perfectly fine. and today is a non-chatty day for me (in any form or medium except this blog hehe), and online, he, too, was in non-chatty form with me. and that's ok. and i really like how i don't get mad at bryan anymore these days (which means we're good with each other). but then i can't rid my system of this insiduous idea that if you love each other, and especially if you don't see each other that often, then the norm is that you should be talking. this, even if i really didn't feel like it anyway.

and even if i already knew that now and then "in love, alone," is normal. :)

and this, even if i already knew, that if i should get lonely (for some reason or no reason), i should ride it out till the end of its days, so to speak, because that's really the only thing that will cure it anyway, and not him or her or whatever else so i might as well spare people the psychic burden. :)

so i went upstairs, and cried instead.

but now, tita e is online and am happy. lol. and i've just realized something funny funny. ;))

ps. bryan,ilabyu. ;))

you say it best when you say nothing at all

i have nothing much to say :D

1. i miss bryan (hey, bryan! :D)
2. i'm finally updating my virus thing (as we blog)
3. me and joannie were yeheying to each other about that excellent movie ang pagdadalaga ni maximo olivares (yeheying right across the philippines) ... and about the moon too
4. me and duni have been chatting for a few nights now, nice :). am going to be a psychologist when i grow up and my sister is going to be an archaeologist, while my brother who is a pastor, will probably be a pastor with lots of fish :D on the side
5. the librarian was amused that i checked if they were closed yesterday, because my books were due yesterday.
6. i'm starting to write my case study :)
7. i've had a full week (fully sociable week hehe): i saw three movies, had a massage, went to a conference, went to a friend's party, went to an album launching. this is all strange, for me. :P i only do one sociable thing a month! (a lie)
8. i have just about paid all my bills (for this month).
9. we have broadband now but i keep getting kicked off it anyway.
10. in the book flow, psychology of engagement with everyday life, the author said people keep misinterpreting eastern teachings about letting go of goals and desires. such that they become lecherous instead, making any good buddhist's hair stand on end (hahaha this made me laugh). plus lots of buddhists don't have hair.
11. i'm gaining weight again, being too appreciative of food hahaha.
12. it's just that there's lots of people, and lots of love (i feel loved by you gfs and bfs, and fam), and that's why life is full.

certified cuties

this post is to certify that the following people are certified cuties, and specialized knowledge experts on two domains of information (tell you what in a minute). ;))

they are undoubted angels answering to the urgent call for help of crammer vv ;)).
here was my plea:

Dear Cuties,

I have an urgent request for which I am at the panic stage ;)) (assignment is due tom). I need a script on something I know next to nothing about which can be something that I have never done, an experience that I have yet to try, etc, etc. Then am supposed to look for three key informants who are familiar with the target event and therefore possess script knowledge of it.

So here I am, please share with me your script knowledge about:
(i had a plan a and a plan b for just in case i didn't get enough info about a or b, interchangeable btw)
a. how to get semi-secretly but legally married in the Philippines
b. how to take the ro-ro from metro manila to panay island

I am supposed to get you to share with me as complete an account of your knowledge of the event as possible, to include all the script components. Please find in the first box below a sample of a script and its components. Then in the second box, please fill in the script for (a or b).

Thank you so much, libre ko kayo kape. Hehehe!

without telling who answered which :D :P, the following can claim at least a cuppa, and my high-regard and affection:

1. My dad!!!!
2. HB who is very busy but takes the time for me anyway
3. the mother of Gabo another cute heart
4. cris carebear
5. buddha who answered despite his traumas
6. atty erap pa rin
7. old friend peanut :) (i was hazel, remember? lol
8. my other co-Cap ex colleague

THANKS AGAIN! :D

and so i did.

;)) we actually RAN out of the tequila party.

it's been so long since my last tequila party.

it makes me want to throw a tequila party on the occasion of my first anniversary at gleaming.

hmmmmm...

i should go out more often

;))

hahahaha.

i'm becoming somewhat a manul girl to gimiks.

******

it turned out to be a lovely Monday :)

cheers! :)

pa-kiss nga, mga kaibigan :D

*waves magic wand*

I find that I will always meet the thing that I need to know/ read/ write on my forehead for this moment's moment.

Such as Keri Smith's ENOUGH.

(Last week, I 'accidentally' picked up an entire journal issue on qualitative psych research in the library after randomly sitting at the journals room for the first time, just a few days after I thought I needed to find out more about quali research methods in psychology.

On Saturday, I said I will get to watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with the person I ought to see it with--maybe just myself--after having invited four people to watch it with me in the course of the last two weeks, and thought of asking four more, and made non-fixed plans with the Priestess to see it but we have a whole lineup of move to-do's and she already has been to Charlie though she did declare outright she'd watch it again with me :D. So thank you HB :D. And thank you dd.)

So today, this week, anything or some, or all, or none, any of it will be enough.

tucking my useless stalker self firmly under my armpit, i climb into bed

say you were really a beige, but then you were light pink. guess that means you went off-color.

it's been an off-color day. but that's just me. so here i am running around like a heedless headless chick-un on the net, bumping from blog to blog, friends of friends, friends of lovers, ... it is such a small world so if you really have something to hide, better not blog :)

but otherwise, the more the merrier :D

and see you all in the blog afterlife.

sleep.

and you find yourselves humming love songs again and again ;)

yup! you deserve it! you deserve this happiness. :)

me too. am happy for you. :)

rain's gone

i had a grand time :)

i walked a long way almost every day. me, my umbrella, deserted streets, a cloudy sky with a slight drizzle. (i was the cucumber and the rain was the vinegar, and together we made a yummy salad.)

or ice cream on a rainy day.

or noticing the darndest things: the tricycle driver singing a rock love song under his breath, driving me to meet gf in the rain, so we could walk to coffee.

i read lots of stuff.

it just got scary when it rained too hard.

the sixth ticket

willy wonka, i wuv you.

such perfect teeth. such bizarre humor. and the hair cream to lock in the moisture.

hihi.

nice boots too.

a song for my wet red sneakers :P

am on a rainy-days-songs spree. if we can be the best of lovers, yet be the best of friends...

7. HOW DO YOU KEEP THE MUSIC PLAYING?
Music by Michel Legrand
Lyrics by Alan Bergman and Marilyn Bergman

How do you keep the music playing?
How do you make it last?
How do you keep the song from fading too fast?
How do you lose yourself to someone
And never lose your way?
How do you not run out of new things to say?
And since you know we're always changing
How can it be the same?
And tell me how year after year
You're sure your heart will fall apart
Each time you hear his name?
I know the way I feel for you it's now or never
The more I love, the more that I'm afraid
That in your eyes I may not see forever, forever
If we can be the best of lovers
Yet be the best of friends
If we can try with every day to make it better as it grows
With any luck then I suppose
The music never ends
I know, the way I feel for you
It's now or never
The more I love, the more that I'm afraid
That in your eyes I may not see forever, forever
If we can be the best of lovers
Yet be the best of friends
If we can try with every day to make it better as it grows
With any luck then I suppose
The music never ends

a song for my un-pamunpon-ed clothes

the wind suddenly blew into my third floor classroom, bringing with it rain from the wall of glass windows.

texted the priestess to play an mp3 for me, and she did :)

walked down the deserted hallways, skipping puddles.

a kiss in the rain till the sun shines thru

bagay sa ulan di, ba? ;)

:)

;))

hala kupo ah.

allow me. wednesday teach said stay with your feelings.

i want to savor this happiness.

:)

"real isn't how you are made, it's a thing that happens to you when a child loves you for a long long time. then you become real." -from the v. rabbit

girlfriend: "naiinis ako dahil ..."(even though this and that and this)... "i will always try to make him feel even just a little better :-( :-( :-("

vv: true, gf :). (i mean i completely understand what you're saying)


* * * * * * * * *


One of my fears :P

From last night’s episode of ED:

Ed: But you slept with the mailman!
Liz: It wasn’t the mailman! It was a mailman! He just happened to be one.
…
Liz: And besides did you ever stop to consider why I slept with him? … (stands up to go, starts to leave)
Ed: (bolts up from his seat, and asks, impulsively) All right, why?
Liz: (stops and says quietly) Because I was lonely. For you.

I’m not sure I would sleep with the mailman (I’ve never seen the mailman, nor the bill delivery guys, particularly after the buzzer died hehehe) because I feel my fear of the permanent consequences would be greater than my loneliness. Even if in certain circumstances, maybe, the mailman would in fact be good for me.

But still, in the days when I project into the future (which you shouldn’t do when you’ve resolved to live by the power of now :P), I fear that in the rush of life and people and complications, intimacies that are fragile and strong at the same time, are taken for granted or swept aside or trampled upon. And my heart bleeds.

(Again, this is why one should live in the now, and appreciate what one has! Why go into despair over something that isn’t real? Hehehe!)

Just that that Ed-and-Liz situation is all too real. If you will remember the movie Milan, and the OFW couple-friend of Claudine who had respective spouses in the Philippines. Or Lost in Translation. I mean about loneliness. That you should also take care of those you love who love you, are they still ok? Are they lonely? Are you talking? Are you present and taking the time?

Maybe this is why I always understood my ... ;)

sofa snoozer

words of comfort for a deadline-haunted sofa snoozer: You're no slacker, so why are you giving yourself such a hard time about taking a little time off? If anything, it'll be better for you -- a break will bring you fresh inspiration and energy for your work.

the nines

today is exactly five months since march 9.

and i say, ye-ey, ye-ey, ye-ey.

the breathing exercises continue :) yoga rocks.

letyoube. letmebe. letyoube. letmebe. speaking words of wisdom, letusbe. :) a you're adorable, b am so beautiful ehehehe.

biogesic works

i like myself a lot.

i mean that in the full knowledge that i suck at some things, and am great at others. i mean that in the full recognition that though i grew up thinking i am ms. universe (lol), i am ms. me and that's enough.

i mean that on the occasions when i meet some fab person, and say, oh she's such a great person, i wish i were like her. and then i remember that after all, i am me, and i like myself a lot. and then i say, yes, she can be she, and i can be me, and perhaps we can get to know and like each other more.

and i mean that on meeting the uncertain in every day. and i give up and say, well uncertain, there's no way i can solve you or change you right now, so i'll just continue on being me, and see how you and i are ten minutes from now or tomorrow or next year.

and when i don't like myself, i know that i like myself enough to do the things that can make me fully like myself again.

*v*v*v*v*v

one of the things that upset me about my readings aside from their length and number (no, i don't really get upset about that), is when i read that blank is a predictor for blank. or that blank is not a predictor for blank.

such as personality is a predictor for marital happiness, or responsiveness is a predictor for growth-nurturing parenting is a predictor for nurturing, balanced personality (is a predictor for marital happiness, there you go :D).

because while i appreciate learning what works, and what's good, i get upset at the formulas this implies -- that we must be this and this and this to get this and this and this effect or become this and this and this.

because life is complicated, and i would rather know what can possibly be done today to make people feel better, and have hope, and grow and heal :) because few can fit into the formula, and even then, things can go wrong.

i get bothered by the defeatist and the defaulting. (although compulsive do-good-ing is not a good thing, as most compulsions cover up other troubles :D)

so i guess that's why i'm in this counseling course. i want to know what can be done with the way things are :)

*v*v*v*v*v

which is not to say that we need to be other people in order to be better people. as my wednesday teacher said, the greatest sin of psychology is to make people think they have to be better. that they have to constantly improve themselves.

when they are already all that they should be. when the thing to do is not to change or improve themselves but to heal.

like when joannie mentioned this quote from if the buddha dated. that it's not to change but to unmask one's self.

and i say, and to be healed.

love vv

there's no end to the length of quiet street i can walk under an umbrella on a slightly rainy day :)

walked all the way home. :)

the other day walked over and around and back, on campus :)had a fruit shake on a rainy day.

anyway. am going out for a short break. roommie is huddled in her cardi on the sofa saying she feels cold, eating dark chocolate squares.

when my girlfriend was in sweden, she wrote to tell me about beer and chocolate. they can make you warm.

roommie has the chocolate, i'll go for the one beer. :)

i feel the need for a little celebration. i spent my friday night, saturday morning and afternoon till 4 pm, ENTIRE SUNDAY, and Monday morning till 2:15 pm on this 15-page report, and finally i feel a little good. good work, vv. ;))

no matter that i have to come back to a 3-page report and what will probably be a 15-page research proposal. and two long blog posts brewing in my brain.

it's raining, and i made a new friend, and my shirt is mint-green and am taking time off for good behavior.

good mood required :D

eh ano naman ngayon
kung nakasimangot ako
sisimangot ka rin? ;))

two hypersensitive
hyperreactive people
in love and friendship ;))

halikan na lang at
hagkan muli.

sabi nga ng nanay ko
noong maliit pa ako
tama na yan ang yam-id mo
at kukumutin ko na yan
ang maganda mong mukha

hehehe!

(oh my poor mother and her sulky child :D oh my poor beloved you :D
group hug. hehehe. baliw ako ngayon promise)

we were beat

sitting a long spell in the deserted park on a sunny afternoon under a green checkered umbrella to keep us and our precious bench dry from the steady drizzle.

a motorcycle whizzed by -- two men in glasses and jackets and the one behind the driver reading a book on a motorcycle in the sunny rain.

i hate it. two people much weirder than we.

;))

:|

Life, so depressing. Unless you remember to live in the moment (and thank God I can always seem to rely on living in the Silence within me. It goes on and on, It just is.)

Plus, I have made my best cup of coffee in a long while.

Mmmmmm.

wasnotwastoowas

iwasstrange, you said and
when you left, i agreed
iwasstrange, i felt
and this is what i came up with

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

on the other hand,
maybe that wasn't so heart-full,
therefore less honest,
and not the real me.

:D (the one that would have knocked down walls just to get what i wanted even if i had torn it to pieces in all the ruckus)


psyching one's self against disappointment
isn't all good, isn't
living from the soul allowing for the
heart to hang out there and be hurt?

:(

but on the other hand,
that, too, was this, that
my love allows: to let you.
:) i guess this means it's both

:P (the one who's batting much better, thank you)

no way if i can help it

hehe (rueful).

i have finally gotten tired of beating myself up over some things and can actually take myself in hand and say, stop it.

and the only reason i can do that really is because i know it. i've decided. some things i don't want to happen anymore if i can help it.

so i do.

and i can think of one other thing i also decided a long time ago that won't happen again if i can help it.

and i probably always can.

and i hope i get to helping it, really, on many more things.

scopes

the other day, there were two dogs on the street who appeared to have missed/sumalangay/miscommunicated with each other, and so they failed to meet up (like that song: you go your way, i go mine, sometimes we disagree/ this foolish pride hurts us inside/ why not meet me halfway ....Seven Up).

i said, "mercury retrograde."

bryan protested, "that's over the top! dogs don't have horoscopes!"

but since i am not a dog ... (i am a pig! i am a pig! :D) ... i have several. and two of today's are story ideas for soap operas.

1) You might find that you are making better connections with men at this time, V. It would behoove you to reconnect with men who you may have lost touch with. The male energy can bring an entirely different perspective to the table. Respect and honor this viewpoint, but at the same time, don't let go of your strength as a woman. The feminine energy is quite powerful and should not be overshadowed by the energy of a man.

Go peks hehehe :P

2) In the life of any couple, there are easy days, and then there are days
that are a little bit tougher. Today might be tougher. Good thing you
two are like Rocky I and Rocky II. No worries.

NO WAY. We're not Sly Stallone!

I am a pig! I am a pig! :D
I love a dog ;)

the things that i get and don't get

looked up yesterday in wilkipedia, the free encyclopedia (the things i don't get):

1. a priori
2. hermeneutics
3. teleology

the things i get:
1. 1,000 years of friendship
2. 48 years (hehe. ex. 48 years to connect to the internet)

isn't it true though? 48 years is such a far cry from 1,000 years :D it's but right.

yehey

;))

familia F

in my psychology of family relations class, we took up the systems theory. essentially, it looks at the family as a system made up of different parts or sub-systems, and functioning as a whole. there are all sorts of subsystems like the spousal pair, or the children together, or this parent and that child, or this parent and two children, etc. you have to consider all the parts or the members of the family in the light of the entire family system. always the part in light of the whole for the whole is greater than the parts.

also, any stresses or changes affects the system as a whole, affects its equilibrium. when the system is upset (thru normal family transitions like births, deaths, children going to school, etc), the equilibrium is disturbed. however, the system will always seek to find its new equilibrium.

last week, i realized the perfect example of the family as a system, and i don't mean my gang of t's and g's. rather, i mean the f's :D. there was this parangal ek for the ex-officers of my ex-office/ organization. let's call my colleagues, cohorts, comrades and co-witches at my ex-org, the F's. at the beginning of the night, i felt a bit sad that no one among the F's dared speak/ give a testimonial about our mother F. i mean more than anyone else (people from the F board and the F network), it would be testimonials from the F family members that would mean the most or would hold the most truth. but no one would.

i myself wanted to but did not want to. hehehe. i only wanted to speak if ten other family members also spoke in turn. this because i didn't want to humiliate myself (wahehehe), and also because i felt i could only give a small part of the entire picture, and the best would be if all the other parts of the puzzle showed themselves too so i would be "in context" and the picture would be "fair." i also did not feel like i could represent the others or speak for them, i could only share of myself and my experience, and my lessons and my growth :).

luckily for everyone, and easing the potential heartbreak of it all, co-host for the night joannie took up the challenge, gathered her emotions together, and spoke up, for herself, and really, for the staff, the F's. oh chester, thank you :) you couldn't have said it better, i think. thank you for saying no one wanted to speak up because it didn't seem like the right venue for it (somehow, the matter of sg F seemed too intimate and too private to us all, needing a more appropriate--safer-- space and venue). and also for explaining the family metaphor, you gave the overall picture of what we are, who we were together, for so many many years.

indeed we were a family in our complexity, and in our chaos. in our fun, in our pain. and the inescapable fact of mother f. it seems somehow, in retrospect, that she defined that world for us, taught us how to perceive it, how to analyze it, how to live in it, how to strategize, how to tacticize. we knew the world thru her, like how newborn babies conceive of the world thru their primary caregiver.

there was also no getting around her. she was our friend and our boss, the enemy and the beloved parent combined. we liked her and loved her, we were in awe of her, and often disliked her intensely. often, she was helpful, was also loving, also neglectful, and a challenge to relate to. but she was ever-present even in her absence.

we all related to her in various ways, and like a family we existed in various sub-systems, including our respective sub-systems with her.

and the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. and it seems an injustice to take on the whole from simply the perspective of a part or several parts. our experience and our life together was one entire reality, that only those of us who were really there could really understand.

and so here we are at the parties, and other events, catching up with that family, and those parts of our selves.

the best of mercury retrograde

in memory of our
BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZer

it's gone!
WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

big eyes big eyes big eyes

because i am actually very fond of my cousin richard with whom i got on a bicycle with my brother when i was a kid, and we immediately keeled over, and them two toppled on me and my left elbow was dislocated.

because he persists in forwarding me stuff and i rarely answer and when i called him to ask for ceres bus info last summer, he asked if i misdialled and we laughed.

because i miss our little oyster-trips in his pickup many vacations ago, just the three of us.

and because i'm presently fighting paranoia.

here's an email from rick:

Did you know ???


Did you know that when you envy someone, it's because you really like that person?

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart, are real weak and most succeptible?

Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need some one to protect them?

Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are: I love you, Sorry and help me

The people who say these are actually in need of them or really feel them, and are the ones you really need to treasure, because they have said them.

Did you know that people who occupy themselves by keeping others company or helping others are the ones that actually need your company and help?

Did you know that those who dress in red are more confident in themselves?

Did you know that those who dress in yellow are those that enjoy their beauty?

Did you know that those who dress in black, are those who want to be unnoticed and need your help and understanding?

Did you know that when you help someone, the help is returned in two folds?

Did you know that those who need more of you are those that don't mention it to you?

Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying it to someone in the face? But did you know that it has more value when you say it to their face?

Did you know that what is most difficult for you to say or do is much more valuable than anything that is valuable that you can buy with money?

Did you know that if you ask for something in faith, your wishes are granted?

************************************************************
right, let me end there.

happy birthday mr. padilla. ;))

casting iron

melt my fright in the warmth of your affection.

melt your anger in the fire of my love.