of course, i'm completely to blame :D

so here i am, infirm and shmelly, and struggling to write an article past the deadline.

my version of events is that i inhaled true friends' smoke the other day, hence, am sick. nevermind that i asked them to come to the true friends' meet-up! hehehe. of course i'm completely to blame.

while my bones languish in low-intensity fever, and my lungs throw up phlegm in exasperation at my shenanigans, i have been revising my first three paragraphs for three days now: 20 times at last count.

yes, i'm like this. i write non-blog stuff like this :D.

moi: mga 20 times ko na inedit ang 1 para
roommie: hehehehehe may tawag jan
moi: ano?
roommie: anal... perfectionist
moi: :D
roommie: ano ba yan, thesis or si gary?
roommie: kung thesis yan, bilhan kita ng donut mamaya
roommie: hahahahahahahaha
moi: bakit naman ako magsusulat ng thesis eh nagbabasa pa lang ako
moi: you're just being judgmental
moi: :p
roommie: hahahahahahahahahaha gaga!!!

amy tan's band

as i was saying a few posts back, amy tan joined a rock band for fun :D.

here they are: The Rock Bottom Remainders

and here's a sample review of their stellar performances :P

my astro dot com said this is the time period for me to know that i am really alone.

that relationships are fleeting, and that people come and go, and that essentially, I, am alone. that no one will really know how it feels to be me. just me.

strangely enough, this is true.

one gf and i used to keep each other company on late nights online. she said it to me repeatedly, "it's nice to know that there's another soul out there who's awake with you, when you're working in the wee hours." and so, we used to frolic a lot, and buzz each other, come two, or three, or four in the morning. then, yawning, we'd hie off to bed.

these days, however, she is especially busy which means that i become no longer company but distraction, and so she keeps herself away (maybe still typing away, sight unseen).

i do miss her though. i may be kulit, but i think she sees me more kulit than i really am, in her frazzled state. and i miss how we were present to each other. it's strange sometimes, how presence so present becomes absent.

but this is okay. merely, that i am alone tonight. and not feeling well.

* * *
also, according to my ex's friend, she and he are both lonely.

but as my ex used to tell me, it was ok that he got sad. he said, i was not to worry about it.

i miss my ex. i miss the part of him that let me in.

* * *

doesn't daniel radcliffe remind you of steve in sex and the city? hehe!

fantastically, we've come to this: we need fantastic stories to get us face-to-face with universal truths about humans.

TRANSFORMERS: humans have good hearts, and must not be killed!

HARRY POTTER 5: in each of us, there resides good and evil and it is up to us to go for the good. love and friendship save!

hehe! i didn't watch spiderman nor silver surfer.

but HARRY POTTER WAS SUCH FUN! I loved it.

Gary Oldman, if ever you read this: I love you. Hehe!

P.S. Trinoma at corner North Ave. and EDSA is so hugedom! It's an amazing surprise after the fence was taken away, freed up lots of space outside, lots of room to get lost inside! HANLAKI. Haha.

And I super enjoyed my first Trinoma meal of Razon's halo-halo and pancit luglug. Yum! Filled my tummy properly for Harry. (What?)

autistic rush

here i am again in this too-familiar dance. the minute hand tells me it's nine dashes past the hour of two and the bank closes at three and i need to go and deposit in a bank but as yet belong to the ranks of the great unwashed. unwashed and writing still, with 50 minutes to go, ah the clock never stops ticking. but the difference is that unlike yestday, today i have already the cash with me and simply need to put it into the good hands of the other bank.

but i wanted to dash off a few words ...

* * *

of excitement to rudie! you must read this little story of how amy tan joined a rock band of other writers (lead vocals: stephen king) and got on a bus and went on tour and dressed up as a dominatrix, and sang, complete with whip, "these boots are made for walking..."

oh what fun. i love it. :D

* * *

she loved learning to have fun with a family of friends because she didn't get to have much of it as a kid.

this is why i believe that the psychodynamic/ psychoanalytic approach has a place on earth :D. no matter how "in the know" we are, we have unconscious forces and motivations that drive us ... and we always seek balance in our energies.

hence, that one-of-the-few-good-men turned relationship-cheat. or gfs who love to shop, i can sense the delight in being able to enjoy what was inaccesible before. or a beloved turning to drink and male revelries. there are some forces hidden from us or that we are hiding from that serve to motivate our actions, and fuel our lives. say, it isn't so, it isn't so. hehe.

* * *

i am exploring the realm of narrative psychology because i am looking for a little more excitement for my thesis-to-be; to do something different from what i've done so far. and for someone who loves to read and writes to save her life, how can i miss narrative psychology. that which seeks to understand how in writing and talking, one gets to understand one's self.

in fact, tins, wouldn't that be what blogging is all about? so i still think you should still do your thesis, and getting unsolicited advice from me is a sure sign of my friendship :D

* * *

and talking of friendship, it drives me nuts sometimes that we are out of touch :D. hindi ako mapakali na hindi kita makausap. it's just that even when we are in touch, you refuse to be in touch with me in the way that i would like to be in touch with you. and so there. here i am. hahaha.

* * *

two new elements in my closeted life (closeted from most of the world): my room is clear. hahaha. my dresser is space defined. my table is free of stuff. and no, there are no stuff piled on the floor.

and all day all night, i live with jazzy music from dream fm.

a friend, a chocolate bar, and a great book

i ate my Milka with Strawberries and thought of you.

i love my Milka. i'm milka-dalok-dalok.

happy birthday oh giver of milkas :D

* * *

am super enjoying Amy Tan's book of essays, a memoir

The Opposite of Fate.

it's sooo yummy.

is to keep believing

i think the hardest thing us women need to do, and therefore the thing that we need to do the most, is really not to settle.

not to settle for anything less than what we really truly want with all of us: our hearts, our bodies, our souls.

IT. IS. SO. HARD.

it's so hard because we don't know that we truly will get what we want. there are no guarantees. there's no one to complain to if nothing happens. it's just that, until we truly let go of what is now so unsatisfactory, unsatisfying, or even hurting, we don't create the space for that something new to be able to come in.

so in a way, it's really all or nothing. let go of it all or else, there just won't be any hope.

but it's so hard.

it goes against most of our socialization or how we've been raised or trained to be women in our society. we are pasensiyosa/ matiisin. we'll bear most things in the name of pagmamahal. because that's what love is, always patient, always kind, always forgiving. we are optimistic and often look for the silver lining: uy kahit sinisigawan niya ako, at least di niya ako binubugbog.

also we're so matiyaga, so nurturing and so trained in meeting the troubles that life throws our way that we can't help but try to solve the problem that is the man/men in our lives. it's like it's a puzzle that we just can't resist solving; like a Rubik's cube that we can never fully complete.

we're self-sacrifing to boot! we'll forget about our own dreams, our goals, our other relationships that also nourish us, in pursuit of love. when love sulks, we give up our other worlds. isang simangot lang, o sige na nga, di ko na aasikasuhin ang career ko. kasi mahal kita.

and the thing is, we believe in all this. what does it matter to us if all our friends adore us or our families support us or if a bright future beckons us, if this one guy that we just love to love but who just loves not to love us back in full measure, never does?

we even cry, and we don't understand.

we give away all our power. all our power to be the creators, the artists of our lives.

we settle.

what we need to do is never to settle.

and it's like the hardest thing!

this one's for all the sisters out there who are trying their best, like i am.

inspired by a heart-to-heart with my sister, whose lovelife, in some ways, mirrors mine.

maningning and the moon

fold the paper and spread the ink

had round two of the inkblot dinners tonight, a sudden new tradition brought about by having two other playful classmates in our inkblots class, and how 6-9 pm classes can make you so hungry you want to eat the grassy lawn.

there is of course, the ever-present vendo machine with its grand array of harmful sweets, chips and sodas. nevermind health reasons, that machine has got its moods swinging wildly from one day to the next. bad-vendo days just eat up your bills and coins, giving you nothing in return: no signs of life, no hope, no calories, nothing even resembling an apology. no wait, just the other day, it gave me a lukewarm soda for my twenty-peso bill. well, thanks.

magaan ang loob ko kay fr., and probably much to his consternation, he is the ever-constant target of my teasing/tuksohan, from greeting him, "oh it's the naughty priest", in front of demure classmates; to an endless stream of tikal, in our other shared language, Hiligaynon. Fr. and I also talk in Filipino, and English, you know. hehe. basta, i like him. plus, we were born in the same year, which is rare, in graduate school where people look aghast every time i tell them i'm all of 35. hahaha, maybe they didn't realize, that really, really, people really live that long. hehe! well, we do! we did! and it's been wonderful.

so anyway, last week, i told h and fr. i'd feed them dinner for having done the deed a month ago, you know, passed the comprehensives. fr. was sooo willing to enjoy the treat, saying how much he believed in me because even if i hadn't studied, i passed! hehe! he keeps repeating this even though i already clarified that i both studied and crammed. in one ear, out the other, these priests :D.

we had a hilarious dinner the other week, also enlivened by realizing how our other inkblot classmate, the one we've only just met this semester, the very nice dr. b who had administered the test to all three of us, individually, was sat just a few tables away. hehe! it must have looked like a conspiracy, but really, we hadn't seen him come in, and we had just been talking about how grateful we were that he had been so kind :). (and tonight, he lent me two books, he's sweet and lovely :)).

so anyway, we went giggling into Max's, and ordered what i shared with them, i usually ordered with my ex on our ex-dates -- chicken and pinakbet. plus this evening we had crispy pata bites. yummy and fit for the occasion that we never knew existed until minutes before we tucked in. it was fr.'s birthday yesterday :).

chicken, pork, veggies and leche flan (thought i'd almost sneak it past you that we had dessert too ;) ) soon disappeared in the intensity of the sharing about fr.'s ex-love :D :D :D and they went on dates where my gang and i went for frozen iced-tea back during my thirsty high-school Saturdays.

indeed, there is much to discover in them inkblots :D

antipolo is so near without traffic

there's a nice place just an hour and 15 minutes out of town, like at the back of Antipolo. it's got a stunning view. of the back of Antipolo. guess what's at the back of Antipolo hills? wouldn't you like to know? ;)

but man, the place has like a 50 degree uphill driveway. heart attack. hehe. i closed my eyes as the van surged up the drive.

below was the room assigned to us two trainors. it had a very large tv, the better for watching the second to the last night of pbb. wahahaha. you could dance in the bathroom it was THAT huge.


and here's their pool. didn't get a chance to use it.


for more information, click on to Punta de Fabian. it's a good place for trainings. just get 4-wheel drive. hehe.

but what i learned this weekend is how pangit it is when you (err, them) organize a training with no conviction. or when you're (err, them) only just pretending because your heart isn't in it.

it made me feel guilty for all the times in the past that i may have organized trainings but my heart wasn't really in it. when we may have just "used" our resource persons because we wanted to have a training, and we couldn't be the resource persons ourselves because we didn't know enough.

having been in other trainings that involved heart, mind and resources, i can now tell the difference.

but i enjoyed the kids :D

dear universe, i want to know if i should be teaching kids. if you agree, please push me in that direction that i may know for sure. thank you. ;)

kelan na tayo pupunta ng Siquijor!

My Lakbayan grade is B-!

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out at Lakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.

the long road to never

dahil mapaglaro ang isip ko at mapanunlog ang puso ko, inisip ko at pinakiramdaman kung bakit ayaw ko na.

translation: because i have a mind that likes to toy, and a heart that makes kulit, i searched within me as to why i don't wanna no more, ever. (ahh, the pleasures of self-explanatory intuit-your-own-meaning, murderous, English. hahahaha, sorry po Shakespeare).

kasi di naman niya ako inapi. di ko naman masasabi na di niya ako mahal. di ko naman masasabi na he was never there for me (now and then but not always). pero bakit ba ako punding-pundi at kahit gaano ko i-tempt ang sarili ko, sa aking imagination, di pa rin ako kumakagat?

because he didn't oppress me. nor can i say that he didn't love me. neither can i say that he was never there for me (now and then but not always). but why do i feel so depleted, and no matter how much i try and tempt myself, in my imagination, i cannot muster any enthusiasm for connecting once again?

ayaw ko na kasi. wehehehe.

ayaw ko na ng paulit-ulit. ganun na naman. ayaw ko na ng paulit-ulit na ganun na naman. ang pinaka-ayaw ko sa lahat, yong make-or-break na inaayawan ko, yong ayaw na ayaw ko na talaga yong winiwithdraw and/or winiwithhold ang sarili.

waaaaah. ayaw ko na talaga nun. hahaha. sinusumpa ko na ang witholding/ withdrawal.

di ko na kinakaya at di ko na kakayanin yon. di bale na wala na lang forever. ayaw na ayaw ko na ang nandiyan tapos nawawala.

di ko na care kung ano ang reason. nasaktan ka kaya't ayaw mo na akong kausap. na-imbey ka kaya lalayo ka baka kung ano pa masabi mo. nadedepress ka kaya't ayaw mong magsalita. ayaw mo lang at busy ka. or wa ka lang care sa akin sa time na yon.

nadiskubre ko na ayaw ko na talaga ng ganun, kahit anupaman ang reason. oh maaan, such an intimacy killer. the unpredictability of hot and cold. na stress ang self-esteem ko, na overstretch ang patience and understanding ko, nag-run out ang love ko. siguro among strangers, puwede pa yon. but between the two of us, it's unacceptable. kasi kung anuman ang reason mo, handa naman akong makipag-usap. pero halos never ka nakikipag-usap kaya

ayaw ko na.

di ko rin ma imagine kung paano mo ma-overcome ang ganun. or kung naintindihan mo na yon ay nakakamatay. bawal tumawid, nakakamatay.

as the mmda say, cross and you die!

hehe.

My Daily Tarot
at Astrology Dot Com


The Strength card reversed suggests that disappointment, fear, emotional extremes or the grind of daily life may be taking its toll on your love life or relationship. You may feel under pressure to take action, but you need to take some time for yourself or seek guidance in order to understand your options, regain control, assess the challenge or get over it. Don't resort to manipulation, confrontation, force or socially unacceptable behaviors. Don't gripe when you can do something about it.

love lives

a boring reflection, don't say i didn't warn you :P

i was at my father's last christmas and left my sister in the company of my grandma, aunts, uncles and cousins on my mom's side. d got it going good with the cousins. they bonded and decided d needed to visit them in cebu last summer.

and so, we did.

i bonded as well with the cousins. the md asked me about my lovelife (they never had before hahaha. nor have i ever offered any information myself) while we were squashed together at the back of the very nice car with the individual tvs, on the way to the city to have dinner and coffee.

i said, i didn't know (i still don't). there was a guy but we could never get it going for very long. we liked each other fine. but we could never get a relationship off the ground for prolonged periods. our airplane just crashes.

and she said, and i really appreciated this from her, yes, i had the same experience too. there was this guy whom i really liked. i really liked him. but i knew that if we got together, i would have a very hard time.

and so, she said, sometimes it's just like that.

* * * *

even now, in the comfort and the pleasures of my solo-life
many things remind me of this guy i really like.

things on tv, things on the internet, and things in my head.

the way he is (but not with me) just makes me laugh.

when i was younger (maybe even just last week),
it seemed so unthinkable to like someone,
and have someone like you, and yet never have it work out between you.

i thought love and liking would surely make it work. as i only
ask of partners that we love and like each other.

mali pala ako.

i can't even be close friends with this guy because
we never fail to stray into something a little more
romantic after just a few days

and a little more never works out because we always
manage to also piss each other off, and when that happens
it gets really ridiculous in ways you can't imagine.

kaya ganun na lang muna. or forever.

* * * *

i also have this story of the-one-who-got-away

there's also this other guy who's also riduculously nice
(because ridiculous is my word for the day.)

he always treated me with consideration, with much niceness
and he also made me laugh (which seems to be my only standard hahaha).

and such was my frustration with guy above that i said:
if mr. nice guy ever came back to me, i'd marry him in a minute

because suddenly, nice seemed the only way to go
i craved for someone to treat me well.

i said it often enough that mr-nice-guy-the-one-who-got-away
who has not been in my life for some time now (as he is attached)
suddenly popped in for a second, and said (without my really asking)
that he really really is happily attached right now.

hahahaha! i enjoyed that, really. i thought that it was
a message to me straight from the universe to say
stop making psychic waves with such silly statements.

other things are in store.

oh yeah.

sexy set

the lights are dim
and you're sitting in a crowd (a crowded table wehekhekhekhek)
and janoi and kakoi
make music that just
make you feel so sexy.

oh maaaaan.

see you next Thursday
at their regular set.
70's Bistro, lay your racket on the doorstep (wehekhekhekhek)
and fling back your heartaches with your
(imaginary) curly hair.

see you there.

Youve got your ball
Youve got your chain
Tied to me tight tie me up again
Whos got their claws
In you my friend
Into your heart Ill beat again
Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock
And sweet you roll
Lost for you Im so lost for you
You come crash into me
And I come into you

(J's cover of Dave Matthews Band, wehehehe!)

may diskusyon kami ng aking kaibigan. kasi sabi ko, naaawa ako kay wendy ng brendy.

sabi ko, naaawa ako dahil lost siya. sarili niya lang nakikita niya. pinag-iisipan niyang plastic kapag iba ang opinyon sa kanya at iba ang paraan ng paglalahad ng opinyon at damdamin. di niya binubuksan ang isip at puso niya at subukang intindihin kung saan kaya nanggagaling ang iba.

basta, para sa kanya, aping-api siya sa bawat pagkakataon na tinutuligsa ang gusto niya. di niya nakikita na iniintindi nga siya ng lahat.

para sa kanya, lagi na lang, it's either you're for or against me. di siya mapakali dun sa gray areas na puwede namang nagmamahalan o magkaibigan kahit na may pagkakaiba.

tapos sa sobra niyang lugmok dun sa pagiging feeling api niya, super identify na siya sa drama niya. di niya na maiahon ang sarili niya sa drama. at kahit ano pang gawin ng kahit sino, di siya matutuwa kasi hahanapan niya yon ng dahilan.

kelan niya marerealize na, life is what you make of it? siya din may gawa ng lahat ng "heartache" niya.

ang funny nga kasi lahat ng accusations niya dun sa nagnominate sa kanya (such as, kanila na lang ang bahay na to, pera lang ang gusto nila) are really about her. these are her own thoughts/ motives/ conflicts.

tapos, ang ingay niya pa. di siya natapos sa kakangawa at kakadabog at eksena. pero ayaw niya naman makipag-usap ng derechahan. gusto niya lang makipag-usap when it goes her way exactly.

eh siyempre, di naman puwede yon, at marami pang ibang tao sa world at kailangan mo rin sila bigyan ng kanilang right to exist, and to feel what they feel, and to express it how they want to.

it's not like they don't try. it's just that you're not listening.

hehe!

sabi kasi ng friend ko, alam daw ni wendy ang ginagawa niya kaya wag daw ako maawa.

trip 14

it's those first few minutes of creeping into the city in the chilly early morning dark and being awed by the myriad lights strung out in-between mountains. that's what gets me every time.

then my trip to Baguio would have been made. na.

now that's my brave girl

oh my goddess, this is going to be a tough one. a biggie.
(but not really tough-like-that since everything that just flows, is not as tough-as- all-that, but simply, life happening. and thus, one can trust one's self to it.)

my sister spent a lot of her growing years in the UK,or rather, most of it, and more than once or twice, in our numerous and frequent all-together-now family trips and encounters, i would harbor the random-enough thought that it would be really good if she would be able to spend some time in the Philippines in order to know to know and embrace the Filipino side of her. (even though, it is also quite true that any child with a Filipino mother would probably still grow up quite Filipino in more ways than you might think, without even having to set foot on Philippine soil.)

the above were random-enough thoughts on regular-enough vacations because there was never any talk of such a plan, nor was i in any position to set such a plan into motion.

so never did i think that someday such a thought would become a reality. nor did i have any inkling of how large a role i would play in such a scheme :).

and the beauty of it was when it did happen, it was really largely sister's idea and initiative.

(part 1 of many parts or no more :) )

lagaw irresistible lagaw

Yes, here i am again enmeshed in the innumerable arrangements and online research for the housemates' weekend away. i laaaab it. i am getting addicted to travel. have been many places this summer. most fun. you know, just to be up and about. i laaaab being on a road trip. (thank you mami for making it possible for your two daughters to super traipse these islands). i also laaaab looking into the possibilities and making them come true (regardless of whether they come true or not). you know, i just want to make lagaw. Pasyal, in Tagalig. Where I haven't been before. Or where I liked it before :), and wanna show and share.

In the meantime, I am incredibly disorganized about everything else. My ironed clothes are piled high, my papers need sorting, my inbox is bursting, my pictures beg posting, and emails need replies.

But time enough, soon enough :)

My thesis, too, will need ruminating and meditating.

Seeing as I passed the Comps ;) wehehehe.

100 seconds with exes

so, forgive me my cheap thrills. i have momentarily "rested" my photo-blogpost-in-the-making as i need more time to upload the pics. but i couldn't resist imagining what to say to exes, as inspired by the latest episode of older brother primetime. ;)

here's what am gonna say:

#1: you pervert *plak!*

#2: you're a loser and i have nothing to say to you.

#3: whatever. stop bothering me. get a life.

#4: it is never acceptable not to keep in touch, no ifs, no buts.

tsk tsk. what a life. what love. hahahaha.

this is how my lola loves me

i didn't get to sleep over at my lola's/aunt's because i was at the 7th young men's camp, but i spent most of one day there shortly before we left for cebu, hanging out with my ever-loving lola, and being badgered to eat at the "proper time". (unfortunately, there's no such thing as a proper time when you've only slept an hour in the night, for being scared by ghost stories and having the light switch turn off suddenly while perched on a high hill! us "ghosters" snuggled 11 in all in a cottage meant for four. hehe.)

lola held out the jar of petroleum jelly and said that it's mighty good for bites and burns. and i, victim of a stone-massage burn at Sanctuario Spa in Malate, said, "oh pity i didn't know that. my burn has finally healed after two months."

so my ever-reasonable lola said in cebuano, "let's burn you then. with a match stick." wahahahaha. the better to try petroleum jelly efficacy. :P

* * *

so i learned that my lola gave birth to her first child when she was 20 (sister's age) and her last child when she was 37. so there's still some time if i get brave enough. but i wonder how, with these following words of wisdom about childbirth?

lola: oh, if there was no God, you would really die!

WAAAAAAAAAH. Apparently an activity requiring Divine participation.

this is how my sister loves me

i had my eyes closed in the darkened plane, talking with angels for a smooth and safe landing, and working forward in my mind to the next few days. suddenly there were grinding sounds and new movements that so surprised me, i clutched at sis. and she, seeing my fright and empathizing with it, said, "oh" and put her arms around me to comfort me.

i laughed, explaining that i thought we were still suspended in the air, circling over metro manila. and she said, "oh, poor you. i was wondering why you weren't happy we had landed."

a 747 lands differently from a smaller plane. no single thud but a lot of sounds. oh, poor me.

i had tears in my eyes from the ready and genuine sympathy of sister

mwahahahahaha

si rizal ba talaga yon?

it's the end of the world today.

i just felt like saying that. the sky fell on me yesterday. luckily, they were just nimbus clouds. but why did they have to fall on me?

hehehe. pa-victim.

anyway, "it's the end of the world today" appears to be on the same level as "there's dust motes galore under my bed."

you know, just the facts of life.

(the weight of my failed expectations)

(if truth be told, my knickers are in a twist because you missed my big day, and i wish you hadn't because i would have liked to have marked it with you; same as it felt like you missed last week though technically, you didn't, but only because i reminded you of it. or that's how it seems even if i could be very very wrong.)

(a further aside to this aside: when i was in college, my boyfriend gave me a rose -- and if i have already written this story then i repeat myself -- and i wasn't pleased because he had gotten it from the frat's barrel of roses. i thought, it was just there and he got one and gave it to me. it was just there, and he gave me one, and this meant i wasn't special enough. ... hahahaha. cute :)

but about today. i wore a white tank and blue jeans, and an itty bitty strip of belt. it made me very happy.

am going out tonight :) but all i want to do is sit quietly in a corner, without speaking much, hug my gfs and my sister, and cry.

because sometimes, i just get so disappointed.

the tenth of May

there's something about summer
that always sets my soul steaming with joy

* * * *

today, it rains, and rains,
and rains.

i stare out the window,
awed at the change.

* * * *

i am glad some things in life
need not be choices.

i like the sun.
i like the rain.

everything's fine.

comps confessions part 1

1. the comps was easy: meaning the questions were answerable, at least those from my profs :). i don't mean that it was easy for me, but that ... the questions were quite answerable. i can even locate precisely where in my handouts the answers lie! hehe.

2. it's just that i crammed! i didn't cram everything but i crammed fifty percent. i studied 50 percent of what i had to study reflectively and leisurely and the rest at a don't-stand-up-till-all-this-information-is-in-your-head manner. or maybe, the do-put-those-papers-in-your-bag-now-as-the-taxi-has-come-to-a-full-stop-and-it's-time-to-get-out-the-door-already pace(and-not-leave-your-thermos-of-water-with-manong-the-taxi-driver-especially-because-you're-coughing but ooops, too late for that :P. enjoy the yellow thermos, manong! :P)

3. the best way to study for comps really is to read and learn again the stuff that you have long forgotten and then make sure to have enough time to review that same stuff just before the exam. and, whilst you're reading and reviewing again, to explain/ re-tell what you're learning to someone willing to lend an ear, or write it up again yourself in paragraph or bullet form. because you need to learn and understand the material, master it, and be able to explain/expound on it.

4. it can't be all stock knowledge because after all, that's eight subjects you need to know by heart :P. as last-sem's comps-passer said to one of us takers, "you really need to study. you can't pass it on talent." hehehe!

5. but then again, maybe it's not possible to have all the time in the world to study. you can't make life wait for you while you read ;) (a likely story, eh? hehehe)

6. and so the questions i answered ok were one, the one i was explaining to mami about on our way back from bora; and the other, the one i was writing to myself about, in anticipation of such a question. the one i will probably have the lowest score on is the one i flipped to in the taxi because i couldn't remember any of it i had read two days prior! the one that was "easiest" and longest to answer was the one that was truly application :) and was more stock knowledge because that was how we did it in class. good one, ma'am.

7. it was fun though, figuring out afterwards which teacher had probably given which question for the subjects taught by more than one teacher in the last 2-3 years, as the profs were true to form! like, i don't think i could have answered properly the questions given by those i did not study with (some questions seemed impossible :P!)

8. i've been sick! still sick! it has to do with the clash of temperatures. aircon vs mindblowing humidity; ice vs no-ice. but can't really complain. comps is comps, sick or not.

9. once, i preyed on duni's pity and pulled rank: "please, get some coke with ice for your poor manang joyjoy!" hahahahha, it was hilarious. the look on her face was priceless, "i can't believe you would use that on me! my poor manang, really!"

10. but she messaged me goodluck "to my genius manang" so i guess, everything is all in sisterly fun! hahaha.

11. four more questions to go ;) next week uli ha. thanks to everyone who messaged :) made me feel like my birthday!

where i was :)

ok enough of this drama. hahaha! i'll do my best. if i don't pass, i'll do it again.

but in the meantime, i just want to mention the Teresas. (and the Aguedas and the Gabriela's.)

yes, i spent five days in Caliraya, Quezon for the Young Women's Camp.

it was awesome, awesome, awesome (echo: awesome, awesome, awesome).

it also left me with a lot of questions about myself, myself, myself. my life, my life, my life. and next time :).

but here, they are, beautiful young women all :)



after the Comps, i'll blog more about family, family vacations, corregidor, and the young women's camp :)... and the comps! hahaha.

comps=life

"The longing I have is life's longing for me and the longing itself becomes fulfillment if I listen to it amidst chaos."

read the label

WARNING:

this should in no way convince you that corregidor was not a place where tragedies happened; or that this historic site does not bring forth sorrow, horror and sadness at what people have to go through in times of war.

instead, let this be a testament to what happens when three silly girls abandon loads of sleep in order to catch an early ferry to somewhere a bit far away, and quite hot and humid, much like their very own living room.

tee hee.

mawawala ako

super frustrated ako kasi gusto ko talagang lumabas today. tipong alas dose na nang gabi at six hours na akong nasa bahay pero di pa rin ako nagbibihis. gusto ko nga lang lumabas para manood ng sine eh.

naiiyak na ako sa asar kasi walang gustong sumama at noong malapit na akong magdecide na umalis anyway by myself, di ko naman ginawa (na sidetrack kasi ako ng isa pang usapan na kakain daw kami pero di naman nangyari haaay). tapos na tuloy ang last full show.

mas lalo pa akong naaasar kasi nararamdaman ko na hindi na talaga ako magpapayaya this week kasi kailangan ko na talaga mag-aral. di na ako magpapakita kasi next week mawawala din ako. no other time but now.

so, goodbye ;). wish me luck. i have too much ground to cover in too little time.

the "g's"

you can click on the picture to make it bigger :D (thanks to blogger!!!!)

holidays holydays

back from a vacation spree with two main feelings (hehe) and a truckload of pics/ memories:

1. oh-it-was-lovely-and-will-surely-miss-family-togetherness feeling (put senti pout here)

2. oh-my-goddess-it's-only-three-weeks-till-my-comprehensive-exams feeling (put pure fright face here)

what a potent uneasy mix, eh?

:D i never said an introvert's life wasn't exciting.

tickle-licious

The Destiny
you match
most closely is
Advisor

At your core, you're meant to be an Advisor. You are 92% in line with the Advisor role. This indicates that you are a quiet and reserved person who loves to help others achieve their potential through interpersonal connections. Others value you for your wisdom, integrity, and sound advice, as well as your genuine concern for people's welfare. You are a thoughtful person, trust your gut feeling about things, and have extremely acute intuition. You are somewhat of a poet in your way of thinking, finding beauty and meaning in simple things. Because of your sensitivity and soft-spoken ways, you may experience mood swings and the inability to get out of bad situations from time to time. Just be aware of that and you will get stuck in fewer unsatisfying ruts.

As an Advisor, you are in good company with Martin Luther King, Jr., Oprah Winfrey, and Mother Theresa. Just as their destinies have a deep effect on their life paths, your destiny as an Advisor undoubtedly has a profound impact on every aspect of yours.

Professional Life
In your professional life, you will probably have the most joy in a career that allows you to interact with people. You tend to find satisfaction from helping others in their personal development. Whether it is in the area of medicine, teaching, counseling, ministry, or writing, you yearn to have a real impact in making the world a better place one person at a time. You have an ability to be a productive contributor to any organization and are willing to work hard to make things run smoothly. You tend to be a good listener, work well with others, and thrive in a positive environment.

Personal Life
In your personal life, you may tend to have a few, close friends, rather than a lot of superficial relationships. You would likely make a loyal partner who is affectionate, giving, and empathetic. You have an incredible capacity for love but a low tolerance for conflict. Advisors tend to be exceptionally devoted parents whose lives revolve around their children. This can be taken to the extreme, and so balance is crucial. Your children would typically feel very loved and cared for, while having a good sense of boundaries because of your firm but reasonable discipline. You long for a tranquil home life.

A Day in the Life of an Advisor
Being an Advisor will manifest itself in the many ways you view life and make decisions. For example, let's take a look at Jessica who is also an Advisor. She attended a prestigious university, and although quiet, she became a trusted friend to some in her dormitory. While she was reserved and not an outward leader, when freshmen had trouble adjusting to their new surroundings or were going through other emotional difficulties, they would often end up in Jessica's room to talk it out. She would often use poetic imagery when giving advice, lending the assurance that everything happened for a reason. Jessica was always genuinely concerned in these situations and would feel deeply for those she counseled. She once overheard someone gossiping negatively about her, and she was deeply hurt by this, making her even more withdrawn than usual. She had an intuitive sense about others and was able to see through facades easily. She went on to become an art therapist, working with children who had emotional problems.

What you and Jessica most likely have in common is a naturally strong desire to help others. Bravo!

heehee

by the hair of my chinneee chin chin

on the last day of my semester, made 203 hours of the required 200. heee heee heee.

The Queen of Swords card reversed suggests that putting up a wall may have served its purpose, but it might be time to let go of the false security that could be interfering in your love life. What was once a defense could now be reinforcing feelings of abandonment, irrational thinking or self-deception. It may take more will and courage to try again than to remain the long-suffering martyr. When you find you are tired of being right but alone, you can change your mind and find resolution or healing beginning with an honest acknowledgement of the situation, along with responsible and direct communication. Grieve for your losses and accept that love isn't perfect. An underlying belief that perfection can exist is what creates such disappointed expectations in the first place.

little did we/i know

maybe because the secret poet in me thrilled to the poet in you; no matter my news
knew that you too knew the blurred edges of melancholy; no matter too much:
licked it gingerly like a puppy would (wounded); at the edge of somewhere and far far away.

knew that in the unsaid: the iceberg, bonfire upon bonfire stoked against night
perhaps, i (thought i) knew that about you; did know that about you: and thus,
it is so; as always there is comfort in kindred: of course those birds knew what they were on about.

haaay. am depressed. there, i've said it.

i'm taking it as a sign that there are things to think about. you know, explore.

and as motivation to, more than ever, plod on. strive on. onward, christian soldiers.

nothing is more depressing to the depressed than standstill. it spirals. down.

but then again, what else is at the bottom, but the bottom?

besides, i've nothing much to be too depressed about. hehe.

except that i can't help but notice it, a constant companion hiding behind the columns.

probably signals a lifechange of some sort. what could i be ready for?

peebeebee

yes, i keep track of Pinoy Beeeg Beee!

but what's making me chuckle tonight is how sister is simply amazed at how "strange" the pinoy version is. like the issue of zeke and dionne being super close, and their "close encounters".

scene: 1 girl housemate giving zeke the third degree as to what he was doing getting the choclit from dionne's mouth [hahaha. it turned out she was ironing and the choclit was looong so she asked him to get the rest that she could not bite off, and he did so with his mouth]. him getting annoyed at the tone and slant of her [other girl housemate's] questioning; her saying that, perhaps, they are getting too close [one ish is that d has a long-term bf] or that they are getting too close without being on the same page [one hoping, the other not].

scene: Kuya probing Zeke about how he feels about the closeness with dionne. is he encouraging it, does he feel she likes him?

well, according to zizter, in the breeeteeesh version, Kuya would be questioning the questioning girl housemate for interfering, and not guy zeke.

yes, i see it. the cultural context. it's quite funny. such that the physical closeness is such a big ish here but so normal in other social situations. eh kasi si dionne kinagat si zeke sa balikat. (she bites him. violence ba daw yon tanong ni Kuya?)

eh kasi mahilig talaga ako mangagat at mangurot. wehehehe.

let down

for some unknown reason, i feel bummed today. you know that feeling when you've been running on adrenalin, and it's spent?

i guess i've been on adrenalin in the last two weeks ... three weeks ... two months... going on three now.

and suddenly, am just sooo verrrry tired. verrry verryyy tirrred. huhuhu tired.

:D drama.

solemn occasion

let us celebrate the passing of this momentous day.
we went shopping yesterday.
i didn't buy any shoes.
i didn't want any.
no shoes.
none.

but,
there are some things i would like
and one of them is to go back to the clear sea
and the bright sun and the wonderful wonderful beach.

sweet

natawa na naman ako kanina sa aking pagiging very-good student. nakalimutan ko na puwede palang pumasok ng 30 minutes earlier sa class para mas may time sa exam (natural, all my hardworking and ddktd classmates came in 30 minutes earlier hehehe :D). buti na lang naka-mindsit ako na this time i have is the only time that i have so ganun na nga. yon na. hehe! anyway, bagong ligo ako nun so masarap ang feeling.

what a fun exam though :D. gumawa kami ng psych report sa loob ng 3 oras. medyo tricky ito kasi may mga 1 hour ka para i digest at i put together sa utak mo (at sa puso, naks) ang isang tao (mahabang writeup tungkol sa kanya tapos maraming test results) tapos may dalawang oras ka para sulatin at i-print. eh medyo mahaba ang kailangang sulatin, maraming sections so di puwedeng basta sulat sulat ka lang. kelangan ayus-ayusin mo para umabot ka sa patutunguhan (or maka-pasa ka man lang sana). hahaha. ang saya. masaya siya kasi kahit tricky, masarap gawin. pasalamat na lang ke Lord kung natuntun mo ang pagkatao ng client (in epek, napakinggan, naintindinhan at natanggap mo siya,... at!... at sa pamamagitan ng paggawa ng report...nakuwento mo siya sa loob ng tatlong oras).

woohoo! sana siya nga yon Lord :D pag ganyan kasing may time limit, parang ako lang yan na nakita ko sa kanya. hahahaha.

but i really enjoyed it. hmmm hmmm.

pero masarap din siguro maging "client" ng 20 students. makakapagbasa ka ng 20 reports about you. counseling by consensus na ini. hehehe.

cute

mga cute na nangyari sa buhay in the last few days:

1. sobra akong naging busy. as in 5 am na ako natutulog. (pasensiya na sa mga sanay magpuyat at mga laging busy. nahalata na hindi ako yon. pero sleepyhead kasi ako eh. nakadikit ako sa kama ko lagi at saktong 7-8 hours ang natural sleeping pattern ko).

2. sobra kong kinareer yong mga susulatin ko na pati ako nasuka na sa sarili ko. (naloka ako dun sa kung paano ko inedit to pseudo-perfection yong first nine pages! three days ko ginawa yong first nine pages!!! ano ba vivi, tama na! hanggang sa naloka na ako, wala na akong pakialam sa dulo! heehee. pero ok lang kasi sobra akong kampante kasi may groupmate ako na mas matindi pa sakin! hihi! :D)

3. sa sobra kong busy di ako kumakain ng husto (tama lang para di magutom tapos work na naman tapos takbo takbo) at puyat at pagod ako, so, in effect, pumayat ako in two days!! hahahaha naloka ako. di ko yon inasahan. (hindi ko sinasabing payat ako, pumayat lang!!!)na deprive ang fat cells ko at nag lie low ng slight!

4. sobra kong kinareer yong paper (di ko sinasabing ako lang gumawa kasi sobrang hindi talaga at laki ng pasalamat ko sa groupmates ko!!!), yong parts ko sa paper, na pagkatapos nun, numb/desensitized na ako. sobra akong naumay! di ko na masense kung magaling ba kami o hindi at kung understandable ba o hindi. sa sobra kong daming alam, wala na akong naging alam!!!!

5. pero maganda yong reactions/ feedback. para daw kaming vaccine!!! hehe. wala, private joke ko sa sarili ko!!! kasi sa sobrang pinaghirapan ko ijustify yong approach/ focus namin, di ko inasahan na suportadong suportado pala yon ng teacher ko!!! vaccine kami!! hehe. (parang an ounce of prevention baga)

6. tapos nag short training pa ako kanina. tapos nalowka ako kasi di ako makadiskarte dun sa ibang participants kasi ang kukulit ng mga may alam na!!! sagot sila ng sagot!!! paano ko ma reach at mapaintindi yong iba kung distorbo sila with their kagalingan!!! hehe. nawawala tuloy ako sa flow ko!!! hehe. gusto kong sabihin, sssshhh, mamaya ka na. have faith in me. lalabas at lalabas din ang katotohanan at magsasama din tayo sa gender-fair and equitable heaven. hahaha!

7. pero dati ganun din ako!!!! masyadong akong anxious and bright sa pagsigurado na maliwanagan ang lahat nang nasa kadiliman na hindi nila alam!!!! ngayon, hindi mo na ako matitinag!!!! hehe. (hindi totoo yan kaya wag mo po akong subukan universe kasi am sure matitinag ako).

8. masyado na akong Filipino, ano ba!!!!! di na ako marunong mag explain in spoken English!!! pero di naman ako marunong magsulat in Filipino!! tama ba yon? kulang na lang dreaming in Arabic.

9. wala lang!!! masyadong maliwanag ang aming new fluorescent lights!!! kelangan ng shades!!! ano ba!!! eh ako ang nagrereklamo na sobrang dilim di ako makatrabaho. ngayon naman sunrise ang drama niya.

haaaay. :D.

fun with feminists

last month, we were invited to the fiftieth birthday of one of our fave feminists. it turned out to be such a treat -- fun with her fab family, the food was yummy, and the party teemed with funny feminists. warm and endearing like the celebrated celebrant. plus wine, music and dancing.

last night, we dropped in on "Philippine theater's finest" (hehehe), the UP Playwrights Basilia production. when the lights went on at "pagitan" and the end, there we were in the same company as at that party. nice, nice, nice. wala lang, nice unplanned surprise.

i got this hankering to wear baro't saya ala-Basilia :P

i also thought about what if i never "ended up" with anyone? :) kaso lang, i just can't get myself to worry about it kasi the truth is, i already intuitively know what i really want, that it just seems hard to believe that my five senses won't someday prove my intuition right.

ewan ko ba. hahaha. bahala na. i'll do my best, G will do the rest.

luscher color test via tickle

Gray/Brown ... means you're suppressing your sensuality, which restricts your ability to be giving. You long to surrender to someone, but you feel that this impulse is weak and must be overcome. You long to achieve a higher status and the esteem of allies who share your high standards, but instead you feel isolated. You need recognition and attention from others. Among other test-takers, 7.83% share this color combination.

Mwehehehe.

yummeee

haaay moi is drunk.

on our last household shop, we bought these tbone steaks, and roommie aj grilled some tonight. ahhh, what better thing to go with t steaks than her very own red wine, a Christmas prezzie from last Christmas? and what better way to go with steak and wine than some of duni's family vacation stories (ooops, hi there ma ;)) )

hahaha. so there, another green bottle bites the dust!

funneeee

on the way home from the mall, looking at the flashing sign.

aj: oh, there's a Big Nike Sale! ay, finished already!

vivi: why would you want a big Nike?

duni: *snickers to self* that's sooo bad, it's funny!

"i just wanna live a normal life with you"

spent many minutes of my massage hour in tears last night. my dear juliet must have wondered about the persistent moisture as she kneaded my face in the half-dark. but you know how it is, once you're on track for contemplating the many sorrows of you and your loved ones, there's just no stopping. so i contemplated the many sorrows of me and my loved ones with much amusement, in the half-dark of the spa, last night.

so much has happened. life has been so full for me lately, and it's like walking your way in waist-deep seawater, you sway to the waves keeping your balance as you move on towards your destination. in the half-dark at the end of a day well spent. full yet again; wet, winded and walking.

thank you for the many Presences who hover around me, who walk with me on this part of this way, friendly spirits who, too, are making their way. all of Life is a-walking.

* * * *

just now i think about asking some of those people around me.
do you think we're friends? i like them, these people and i am curious
as to whether they think we're friends or not.
do they find comfort in my presence; do they
want too to be themselves with me?

friendship is sometimes a function of circumstance
where there is need, and a friendly spirit, there can be friendship;
where there are friendly spirits, and no need, sometimes there are
but brief moments of contact;

i wish to sit longer in the sun and in the shade with these Presences
without having to be distracted by some of the things we
are constantly having to do together.

* * * *

i sat across the room, and thought to myself, oo nga, crush kita
there's your charm, and your mystery, and there's the inescapable
thought that i want to be like you, you biggie super-galing psychotherapist you

but somehow there is triteness to these thoughts,
i can let them pass, but really, how lovely it would be to get to know you
i would much rather be friends with you
you-big, me-small, so-what.

duni wrote

Love is... great but it's awful, it's healing but it hurts, hard work yet so easy, it happens or it doesn't, blinds you but opens your eyes... it is beyond anyone's control so let it be.

sige na nga

home thoughts from athome

i never work on Saturday evenings because by that time i've really have had quite enough of anything that can be called work, and all i have time for by then is a little play.

so no matter if i still have a paper or two or three that needs doing, i lay off it on Saturday nights because by then i've had an afternoon of facilitating a group therapy session; days and days of work for classes and practicum, and preparing for the session.

i'm not run ragged :D (i don't know how to do that). i'm just full. very full, super full. such that when the top reaches the end of the line, it spins another dance. by itself.

and tomorrow is another day.

* * * *

things am happy about.

1. that our project is good enough.
it's not the best. it's not like brilliant, about to-eclipse-all-other-projects-for-a mega-million-sems-to-come great, but it's well worth the effort. interesting for the experience, good for the practice, not the best context for therapy but now i know that for myself. hihi.

you don't know how liberating that is. that not everything has to be so earth-shattering. i think well worth the effort is very good for me for now.

2. and my bestest talent is still, understanding and putting it all into words. what i liked about my last practicum site was being trained to have support for all of my words. mwehehehe. you know not go off into strange paths just following your vocabulary.

* * *

I could be a millionaire if I had the money
I could own a mansion, no I don't think I'd like that
But I might write a song that makes you laugh, now that would be funny
And you could tell your friends in England you'd like that
But now I've chosen aeroplanes and boats to come between us
And a line or two on paper wouldn't go amiss
How is Worcestershire? Is it still the same between us?
Do you still use television to send you fast asleep?
Can you last another week? Does the cistern still leak?
Or have you found a man to mend it?
Oh, and by the way, how's your broken heart?
Is that mended too? I miss you
I miss you, I really do.

I've been reading Browning, Keats and William Wordsworth
And they all seem to be saying the same thing for me
Well I like the words they use, and I like the way they use them
You know, Home Thoughts From Abroad is such a beautiful poem
And I know how Robert Browning must have felt
'Cause I'm feeling the same way about you
Wondering what you're doing and if you need some help
Do I still occupy your mind? Am I being so unkind?
Do you find it very lonely, or have you found someone to laugh with?
Oh, and by the way, are you laughing now?
'Cause I'm not, I miss you
I miss you, I really do.

I really do.

Home Thoughts from Abroad by Clifford T. Ward

* * * *

oh, i don't know.

i found Music and Lyrics the type of movie i could watch again
and again, and find comfort in it.

and i can't say that about most movies.

i don't even have a crush on hugh grant.
i even think he felt too old.

just that his character seemed real.
was hers?

well, i'd watch it again on a sunny late aftrnoon.

Way back into love

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody just to get me throught the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration 
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

the wee hours

different reasons to pulaw. worked on this long paper on monday. worked on my report on tuesday. working on a therapy proposal tonight. and watching the grey's anatomy rerun. yes the one where something blows up. wehehehe.

me and the cabbage

apparently, 2007 is the year of the viola.

Cool Season Blooming Beauties for the Flower Garden
The National Gardening Bureau picked violas as their flower of the year for 2007. Violas and pansies are such relied upon stalwarts that many gardeners take them for granted and think they know everything there is to know about them. True, violas are easy care plants. But in the gardening world, nothing stands still. Newer varieties of violas are being introduced with bolder colors and larger flowers that bloom longer. Even better, they exhibit better heat and cold tolerance than the remarkably hardy varieties where familiar with.

however, it too is the year of the cabbage. the same gardening society has picked cabbage and kale as the plants for 2007.

hihi. what fun.

i love cabbage and corned beef soup.

super love

the sugar had us bouncing off the walls:

freshly baked mini-cookies giving us joy
chocolate frosted muffins lending us warmth
chocolate fudgy brownies giving us thrills
the boxes going round the tables, going once going twice
gone for good!
cold coke soothing our throats.


the whole sprinkled class in love
in acceptance in amusement in affection
being quick to connect to critique
no pain no gain; no hurt feelings

just increased understanding all around.

and my god, the calories.

* * *

m: huwag ka muna matulog
m: dyan ka lang
m: hehehehe

* * *

at our house i specialize in
tv-interactive

i find it more fun than single-minded solitary watching
so i solicit views opinions and reruns whilst ... ssssshhh

hahaha. frankly, i just love disturbing my sister
who rolls her eyes, sighs, and explains anyway at the ads.

hihi. fun.

hearts and flowers

a few weeks ago when we met up, she was brimming over with stories. over full, she flowed over. and i sat beside her, and listened.

and at the end of it, there had been no time for me. and i felt a little deflated like no connection had been made. the energies hadn't been exchanged. i missed her being in the know about me.

but along with love, and acceptance, faith exists in friendship.

today, she asked after me. you, how are you?

and i wept as i told her this and that. not copiously. just wept. not heartbrokeningly, like gorgeous jude law wept. just wept.

sometimes, we just need to feel like we're worth the time to be listened to fully and well, to unburden without having burdened. to just be.

and life goes on :)

* * *

did i tell you about my guilt?
oh, the things i do to myself.

i feel guilty for not knowing/ remembering my favorite teacher's birthday.

i feel guilty for having a backlag of papers.

i feel guilty for having promised one last documentation for someone, that i've been putting in my planner every single week.

and until i feel i'm "good" again, i stay away.

guilt is no good at all.

* * *

a few weeks ago, my therapist and i played with some metaphors.

i told him i was a flower on a field, and that i felt exposed, like people could just step on me if they wanted to be mean.

when we were done, when we had uncovered that i wanted to be good because i wanted to be loved, because i believed that to be worthy of love, one needed to be good,

i told him i was a flower on a field, but i was exposed. there was a light that shone directly on me, so everyone knew not to step on the flower.

writing reports

perhaps psychotherapy is about creating spaces for that which is hidden/ repressed, and that which is yet to be. and saying, ok. recognizing and allowing. there is no good no bad, just flow.

*ruminating about a client: perhaps if you allowed yourself to need them (though they could hurt you, and they have), then they would feel needed, and could let go a little. such was the divide that you got hold of all the independence, and they the attachment, but if you could both learn to share the load, and ease up on the roles, then each would be free to ride the tide.*

perhaps psychotherapy is looking out for the one who's sorely preoccupied on the "lack" or the "loss" until having fully occupied the space for lost, he or she is left no choice but to look up and around. and see the bigger view.

sintonado na kung sintonado

masarap kausap masaya kasama nakakatawa seryoso masayahin nalulungkot din nagtatanong tahimik di ako sineseryoso sineseryoso ako naniniwala sa sarili natatawa sa sarili masarap kumain hindi puro pagkain maporma poging walang paki sa suot laging mabango naaasar iswit kyut matalino mapagmahal marunong mag-alaga nagbabasa nagsusulat bukas natututo nakakausap tama na usap yakap na lang korni astig nakikipagkaibigan di nagsasabay ng karelasyon alam na hindi siya mas nakakataas marunong sumunod marunong din manguna lumalangoy naglalaba nagluluto naglilinis nakikipaglaro sa bata marunong makiramdam pa-kiss nga kung sakali ikaw na yata.

existential sexy-stential

February is sexy.

wala lang. hehe.

just to check where you are in your layp right now,

get a pen and paper,

draw three balloons held by you :),

write in balloon 1what do you think is worth dying?

in balloon 2: if you had 1 week to leave what would you do?

and balloon 3: at present, how would you define love?

(stolen straight from my psychotherapy class but don't you think it's worth answering)

zee movies

i used to have zees declamation peeez dat involved a Russian ballet teacher. but anyway :D

i am loving my 2007 moveeez.

zeee blockbuster

roommmie can't get her head around jackie chan, but zis movie was quite hilarious. we almost had zee heart attack, and lotz of rolling around zee aisle ... laughing.

zee critically-acclaimed film

diz feeelm is fulll of crazeeees. a pedophile you wish to love ... not... yes ... not... it's your choice ... and other crazeees. it had my sister hiding behind the seats, but as her 13-year-old self used to say to my 28-year-one, "it's ace!"

zee literary film


oooh, it's deliciouz. emma thompson as the loony author with the writer's block is preciouz. as well as the lit professor tootsie, err, the rainman, nope, dustin hoffman. such cuties!

fresent

UY!

February na!

Ano kaya ang February?

Flowing? Fertile? eFFervescent?
Futuristic? Forever?
Fantabulous?
Feaceful? Fanicky?
Feeling-ed? Fashionable?

Full of flavor.

vayu

MIMI
Just came to say
Goodbye love
Goodbye love
Goodbye love
Goodbye

bad trip ang lowlah mo. sa totoo lang, mahal ko kasi ang kaibigan kong yon eh. sa dami dami na nang pinagdaanan namin, i always felt that he was special to me, and i to him. sabi niya pa nga bago siya nag-abroad, "let's have tea."

pero di natuloy. ayos lang. di ko lang maiwasan na magtaka kung bakit sa kabila ng sandamakmak na major things na nangyari sa kanya, never akong chinika ng bading friend. wala lang. kasi dati naman, madali lang mag cavort online and off, and laugh in the face of everything. dagdag pa chinika niya na yata all our other friends online except me. tapos, parang not once not twice but three times kong kinilabit ang bading online para mangumusta. but no. not a word in reply.

mas nalowka ako. ano kaya, may isyu na naman kaya ito sa akin? kaya medyo alanganin ang lowlah mo makita muli ang bading friend kagabi kasi di nga alam bakit ganun ang standing. pero warm naman si ex gay best friend. nag hug pa nga and ask, kumusta na? hug back naman ako, natuwa. sabi ko, kasi ikaw di mo ako kinakausap.

nakooowww. sabi ng ex bf, busy kasi ako eh. oh shit you. ganun? after everything. after may i knock ka in the middle of the evening sa aming munting apartment, in tears, at may i hanap ng comfort? after mega text ka for angel reading kasi may sakit ang jowa mo? pagkatapos ng lahat lahat, sasabihin mo lang busy ka? eh samantalang kinausap mo na lahat except me?

ooooh shieeet talaga. yan naman ang, he's just not into you. di ko nakuhang di magreact at di ko yata inasahan ang ganung "excuse." may i walk off ang lowlah mo and may i mukmok! yes, mukmok is a choice. hihihi. super nice pa rin ang friend, but di ko talagang makuhang chumika.

hurt ang beauty ko.

ang cute

i just basically, as chester said referring to something else, "don't make any sense." i don't mind that i don't. i just want to take note that ... i really don't make any sense, hahaha. how wonderpul.

kasi, alam ko na ayaw mo na. ahhh, hindi ko alam kung dahil hanggang noo na ang trauma mo sa akin; o, dahil ayaw mo na lang talaga sa akin (i don't interest nor attract you no more ... alam mo na, yong sabi ng book na sobrang naging hit, he's just not into you blah di blah na yon); o baka naman, in this time of our lives, mas ikaw ang mature at may EQ sa ating dalawa, at alam mo na tama na, wag na.

minsan, natutuwa nga ako na ayaw mo na. kasi di na ako nagugulo, nacoconflicted, naguguilty, naloloka. hindi ko na kailangan mag-respond kasi di ka na nangangailangan ng response. di ko kasi kayang di mag-respond. (kaya naman pero kung sunod-sunod na, nahirapan ako).

pero, gusto pa rin kitang kausapin. tungkol sa akin. lagi pa rin kitang iniisip. wish ko pa rin na ikaw pa rin yong iniisip kong ikaw (hetooo na, hetoo na, waaah, wahhh, doo bee doo bee doo, doo bee doo bee doo). kahit na my subjective regard does not match the objective conditions. hahaha, promise. that's the part that doesn't make sense the most.

hindi sa mahal pa rin kita. o dahil sa meron akong wow glorious grand unconditional love sa yo. kasi man, that's crap :D. i'd like to believe i'm smarter than that. puwede pa nga natin sabihin na isang malaking parte nga yon ng problema, ang aking super conditional pagmamahal sa yo. (baka yong other half ng problem ay wala kang love sa akin, unconditional man or otherwise.)

sana lang, naintindihan/ maiintindihan mo rin ako somehow someday sa heaven hehehe, na baka lang din, may sense naman ang lahat ng inalay ko sa yo (lab, galit, kaguluhan, friendship, blah di blah di blah).

at sadyang ganun laang.

vee, d'you oke?

some singing statistics ;))

1. song of the night: no arms. whuwaaaht?, you might ask. is there such a song ... no arms?!?!? yes, no arms... yes it sounds suspicious, strange. but you'd be surprised. you probably know it, i betcha. and can sing it with all your heart. yes, i swear. you wouldn't expect so. but here it goes. world, sing no arms.

No arms can ever hold you
more than I do
No man can ever love you
No,it's true
No arms can ever hold you
more than I do
You came to me from heaven,
girl,it's true.
and if I ever lose your love,
If I ever lose your heart
Oh baby,
I'm dying for your love

good, eh? ;)) that's by chris norman for you. who? yeah.

2. my favorite rave reviews of the night:

* "V!! it's only a song!!!"

* "V, sa 'yo ang red, sa'kin ang blue!!" hahahaha. such is life. you can't pick and choose your lines. so what if i want to be rick springfield. in the eyes society, i can only be randy crawford. ;))

3. my favorite songs sung:

One Hello (Randy Crawford)
Coz love begins with one hello
The hardest part is over
Now it's easy letting go
One hello is how it starts
You might win it all or lose your heart
If you're not afraid
Of what you feel
Then try and keep it simple
Or try and keep it real
And if being real means
Means you'll some day will say goodbye
Remember my friend
Goodbye's not the end
It's a circle you know
And it starts with one hello

Love Me for What I Am (The Carpenters)
If what you want
Isn't natural for me
I won't pretend to keep you
What I am I have to be
The picture of perfection
Is only on your mind
For all your expectations
Love can never be designed
We either take each other
For everything we are
Or leave the life
We've made behind
And make another start
You've got lo love me
For what I am
For simply being me
Don't love me
For what you intend
Or hope that I will be
And if you're only using me
To feed your fantasy
You're really not in love
So let me go
I must be free

nahumaling

oh dear, i haven't slept.
silly girl.
and am supposed to finish
two important things
today that require a
working brain.

ooops.

and i've just realized
my other memory card is
missing.

hmmm.

*yawn*

maligayang kaarawan africa ;)

mwehehehe

Tonight I celebrate my love for you
It seems the natural thing to do
Tonight no one's gonna find us
We'll leave the world behind us
When I make love to you
Tonight I celebrate my love for you
And hope that deep inside you feel it too
Tonight our spirits will be climbing
To the sky lit up with diamonds
When I make love to you tonight

Tonight I celebrate my love for you (ooh)
And that midnight song is gonna come shining through
Tonight there'll be no distance between us
What I want most to do
Is to get close to you tonight

Tonight I celebrate my love for you
And soon this old world will seem brand new
Tonight we will both discover
How friends turn into lovers
When I make love to you

hark the herald angels sing

dear god/goddess and attending angels ;)

need help :) must finalize our group therapy project soonest, and need help sheperding those who are meant to be in our group as participants. have been trying for last month, still no final group. please point us to the right people and the right people to us. even a change of focus is ok, if that's what's needed.

also, finishing up at practicum site one (thank you for that btw, i wasn't originally intended for that but the synchronicitous events led me there to much satisfaction :) ) and need help finalizing the second site. sana, where i can learn the most from people i can be with in the future (e.g. i need to be working in the future, possibly in June? hehe).

thank you. and also help me to relax enough for my two other counseling endeavors that are ongoing. as i might tend to forget that the most important thing is being there. you know, performance anxiety and all that.

and lastly, two of the more good-looking living things i've "met" lately are eula v and bor-g. hehe. his dad's really proud, btw.

:D

a ba ka da e ga ha i la ma na ng o pa ra sa ta u wa ya

i like myself today because

i felt like the good chicken wrap i had for lunch
and walked in a light shower to the
green tea shake i liked
and sat outdoors

i walked to two offices lightly politely
waving my receipt
and came upon t laden with copies
of readings (smile)

and at the end of the day, i finished the report
i was doing at work and gave it to
the boss, who laughed at
my lame joke and

as i ran out the door to meet my sister who
was waiting for me there she was
sat on a bench outside
my office in a

white skirt and my grey (as she is English)
tank top and she told me how as
she read this anthology for
class she opened randomly

and came upon this story that sounded like
someone i knew who had long hair
and it really did read like
someone i loved

and it was he.
then we walked to this coffee shop
across the road to meet a friend who wanted
something and is like

more kulit than anyone i know
including me and i had some
of her brownie and really good coffee
but after she blurted

out her story she said we could go
now, and so we had to go and leave her
there as she insisted though
we could have hung out more.

hehe.

* * *

dear ate nina,

as i walked to buy the green tea shake
i was murmuring about earlier
i thought about writing you
to say thank you for the
lovely birthday letter
you wrote me and visiting
everyday from senegal...
from senegal?! yes from
senegal... and also
thanks for leaving
me, no, insisting that
i must read your copy
of nicola barker's
love your enemy for
i have finally gotten
around to it, and my
is it yummy, for
who else is there
to love really
but our enemy?

and the stories are
so quirky normal
and strange and
fun and weird
and nice to
read and
think about like
learning to read
literature from
your obscene phone
caller, so there
s'long and thanks
for (all the)
book(s).

hehe.

* * *

and the thing is
i am just busy
and preoccupied
with all the things
that i need to do
and things i'm
disappointing myself
with momentarily
mainly/all about me
but it won't stick
really just that
i am stuck
in the self unit
but not really.

hehe.

* * *

sometimes i really
do think i'm better
than everyone else
and but of course
am not at all, but
since it's me, it's
no harm at all,
and it's the loveliest
thing that it's not true
but still i think it.

"ay, hala" as d would say.

hehe.

* * *

and the thing is just
as i have finally finally
gotten the hang of
waking up early in the
am again which i haven't
done since, like, high
school, it's starting to
be natural again,

but now my 100 hours are
almost over.

though i still have 100
more to go.

* * *

this practicum is like
a gift with
all the things
i get done for it.

the gift of completion
is truly what i need.

bleeeh :p

hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit sila nagpapaputok?

i can't move
as am sitting on my hand
so's it won't text you
as who knows where
that might lead
again,
hehe.

it's hard enough not being
pleased with myself.

my wiring might be a lil mad, no?
;))

* * *

i can't stand the suspense
of important things
i need to do tomorrow.

especially as it'll
be far too early
in the day.

ugh.

the anxiety of being sleepy
will keep me awake!

* * *

ever since i was a lil girl
i've always disliked
Sunday late afternoons
to evenings

such that Mondays never
turn out half as bad.
half-ass bad.

* * *

this could be the year
i will be so emotionally unstable
that next year nothing
will ever faze me.

or now. even now.
what is there to fear, but ...

sprites in formal attire

thank you

when it's your birthday, it's like there's a stream of love directed straight at you that shows itself in the cellphone's tireless beeping :)

thank you, all. i haven't been able to get back to all of you yet, but i will. am sorry for missing all the international calls. aside from the usual (silent mode, class, low batt), i am suspicious of anonymous numbers :D but i thank you for trying all the same.

same time, next year, eh? ;)

I work hard (he works hard) every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end (at the end of the day)
I take home my hard earned pay all on my own
I get down (down) on my knees (knees)
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord, somebody, somebody, ooh somebody
(Please) Can anybody find me somebody to love ?

i don't know why I do it, really. seek love from you repeatedly, like some hapless child snatched of its glittery toy. over and over again, a record spinner gone wrong. and all because at some point in your life, and my life, we exchanged some well-intentioned ill-thought out promises gone super awry. it was such a long time ago, and so much time has passed. these are already tired and trite reasons for hanging on to you, and wilted hopes. i should already know, and have learned, and moved on to something more true, and sweeter. the promise of freedom from the scent of flowers stuck in the moment should be enough.

i feel sorry for you, too. nothing you do will ever be right or be enough, given the weight of all the things that have gone wrong. i apologize repeatedly for hurting you at moments when i cannot help but leak or burst out of the self-contained containers i try to put myself in in my encounters with you. some people can take it, and will let me, and there would have been no need for the apologies. but i know you too well, part-twin of my contradictory soul, and know that your fragile self that dares reach out so rarely, snaps shut with every hurtful word, meant only to convey a need for more constant attention and affection. that's all. people do it every day, why can't you? why can't we? silly, silly me.

i need for you to dance with me. with my commander personality, i need only for you to cooperate. to come when needed, to stay away when i have to be alone. but your only rule is to break all my rules: whatever i say you go against. don't flirt with my friends, there you go. i'll make time when i can but if you're not coming when i am free please don't stress me out for i am super stretched, and that's when you come knocking. what about my bags? the other people who need me and whom i love? my work? i cannot let them go to pot just because it is at this moment you want to show love. yes, i love you too, but please i need your cooperation. do it for me, for love?

chastised by my better self, and lured by the peace of mind that comes when we are nowhere near each other, i have said goodbye repeatedly. in fact, i do it all the time. and gone for weeks and weeks without you. then we say hello, again, and my eyes sparkle at the thought of building a constant friendship with you. i want to be understood by you, and i want you to feel that i understand you. who will believe me when i say i am better at it each time. i weep now but i am far from the grieving woman i was last year. i am.

i am distressed by having quarreled with you again. birthdays are such an emotional time. everyone's text messages make me want to cry. who would know Capricorns wanted to be loved so badly? so let them, let you, let me.

i'm reading a new book, Sacred Contracts by Caroline Myss. As what happens in book-reading, I find it quite apt :). fascinated as i have been lately with dream analysis, this book asks the same thing -- take a step back, and ask yourself, what does it symbolize? this person, these people who drive you to the edge of the universe and leave you there, what do they stand for? in the grand scheme of things, in the contract that you hold with the Divine, what did/do they teach you?

what, indeed? what?

hehehe.

much easier to answer is what you hope (you wish) you symbolize to other people...

i wish i symbolized "love and intimacy, if only you would allow it" ... yes, i believe in self-serving hypothesis.

or i serve as a reminder of what you still need to pay attention to, despite everything you've been and are.

i just want a january one post.

if i asked you, would you say yes, and do it? ;)

yes, 2007.