simultaneous sessions with three echanos

hehe! having fun with the echanos. i so love ... chuva. hihi.

i get excited talking with people who understand just how constricting, constipating, ... cardboard?!!!#@5&*!... traditional gender identities are. and how lovely it is just to be :)

HH said to me, But let me say in general: The more modern and emancipated you are, the more you are attracted to gays, that don't have all the macho edges from stoneage. ... At weddings I normally have the only good conversation with lesbians. It's just fate!

So I asked, did you not have a traditional gender upbringing HH?

He said, Actually no. I was allowed to cry. Was never ever told there's a difference between girls and boys...And I had all sort of toys: Weapons, cars, dolls...

And further, Actually at least I don't understand how women can live with machos at all.

Hihi. It's true. As a dear feminist friend and mentor once said to me, We all like our men to be a little 'gay'.




HH, resplendent in his new haircut (first photo), "wearing" his talk (second photo). Hehe!

Haha. My fear of flight doesn't know what to do with the news below.

Woman says ‘I do’ after crash proposal

Associated Press
Last updated 03:54pm (Mla time) 07/23/2006


ROME, Ga. - A plane that was chartered to help a man propose to his girlfriend crashed, injuring the couple and the pilot, authorities said.

Relatives holding a sheet with "Erica, will you marry me?" painted on it watched from the ground as the Cessna 127, circling low over the airport, stalled and then crashed into the ground Friday evening.

The couple, Adam Sutton and Erica Brussee, and the pilot were taken to a hospital with injuries that did not appear to be life threatening, authorities said.

Brussee suffered a broken leg, and the other two had cuts and gashes.

As Brussee was loaded into the ambulance, she said "Tell Adam I said yes," said Joshua Willis, Sutton's cousin. The ring was lost in the wreckage, he said.

The National Transportation Safety Board is investigating the incident.

you know it's a "bad" week when you opened your apple juice, and discovered it was tomato.... euck! bleah.

maybe in January, I'll feel better.

Many thanks to sister Claire for the perfect neckpiece :D.

'Twas magic the way you made it :)))!!!!!

p.s. who would have thought i kept my stud earring in place by sticking the price tag of the small container of safety pins over it. hahaha. soooo elegant.

biblio gaga

isn't it cute when the novels that you read reverberate with your thoughts? ;)

on counseling

"I hesitated. 'I don't think I'm qualified to say, Nick. It must be incredibly painful.' I wondered how long I should pause before saying "but." A few months, possibly.


"I'd realized he wasn't ready to look on the bright side, so I just shut up about it and listened. There was no making it right, so it was selfish of me to try. When he wanted to, he expressed himself beautifully. The words poured out of him."

on intimacy

"I enjoyed those conversations, even though I knew I shouldn't. It was exhilarating, Nick inviting me to share his feelings. He hadn't done it for so long. I'd forgotten how much I'd missed it. I felt privileged, close to him. This was how we should have operated as a couple. Instead, we got lazy, shutting ourselves off. I don't mean to sound pompous, but there can be no intimacy without self-disclosure."

still, Behaving Like Adults by Anna Maxted

these are all the reasons why

i am very angry with you...

because i feel you made me run an obstacle course countless times just to be able to get close to you when after all i was made to believe that we could be close.

because i don't feel you appreciate just how many hurdles and jumps i had to get through just to have those precious moments of togetherness and connection with you.

because i was always available and you weren't.

because you left me in the lurch with no explanations, and though i appreciate that many things in life have no explanations or are very hard to explain, i don't know whether you understand that i deserve so much more than the words and thoughts you have sent my way. you could have tried harder.

because i showered you with my love and affection, and though i have all sorts of shortcomings and pained you in numerous ways, i still feel that you held out against me.

because when all was said and done, in the end, it turned out that you could, after all, show love and appreciation when you wanted. and i waited for it countless times for one and a half years.

because i thought you could be the one, and you weren't. hehehehe.

this is what happens with anger that is expressed. it is halfway to gone.

and i can't be friends with you because it's just going to be more of the same thing, only this time explicitly agreed upon, where you're going to be friends with me, playing footsie with me, and i'm still going to love you anyway.

and i really want to reach that beautiful place, where there is neither "hope" nor "agenda."

for after all, if i lose a love, it should only be fair that you lose a friend.

except that friends aren't really lost.

dammit.

;))

and then there is this blog.

i'll sing na lang, once again, meredith (hahaha):

i'm a bitch i'm a lover
i'm a child i'm a mother
i'm a sinner i'm a saint
i do not feel ashamed.

ala-meredith pala

I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between

my captive counselor

counseling class involves many fun activities designed to turn your life upside down inside out and round and round :D

one of this is getting your very own counselor from the company of classmates. and you, too, serve as another classmate's counselor.

in full amusement

last night i had my very first session with my very own counselor.

we started in the only way trained counselors can start i think, "so how are you? how have you been?"

but, no.

i thought, no need for the niceties, for "playing footsie" till "we make a connection." i have long ago decided that i like her hehehe.

so i plunged right in and went full steam ahead. like a little steamboat that's pushed into the water and immediately chugs at a very fast pace to her destination.

hehehehe!

thanks, angel.

counseling, what?

my classmate asked, so is counseling something like feeling your way around your client?

teacher said, no. it's making a connection.

when you've only been making footsie, rather, simply playing games, the counseling leaves you with an unsatisfied feeling, and you sense the counselee is only being polite to you.

but when you have made a connection, and the counselee is able to unburden what is inside of her, secure that you are able to receive her, the session leaves her feeling lighter.

and you the counselor, because you know what makes you you, and are open to receiving/ knowing what makes another unique, your insides so too moved/ shifted in tune with that of your counselee. but without all of that threatening your sense of who you are, because you are secure in your knowledge of yourself.

a bit like life
so cool, no?

we can also only listen, fully receive/ be open to another (friends, family, loved ones) when we are aware of who we are, and where we are in our "process," so our presence is not threated by another's unique experience of life.

of course we also meet those whose experiences and personas "threaten" us, which then fully alerts us to our own issues within our lives.

the universe is kind that way :)

ala-nis

i'm a bitch i'm a lover
i'm a child i'm a mother
i'm a sinner or a saint

Oh! Photo! All! Bum!

buzz me for your very own link to the

Ay! Picture! Lahat! Puwet!

hehehe.


sa mata ng mga bata: ano ba ini, Lord?



Ay, kiss pala!


SWEEEEET...


RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!! It's the mad bridesmaid!!!

to the wounds! ;)

YES.

I can't wait to upload the pictures either from the deadbatt cam and the fullmemory phone...

but

it'sreallyabusybusyMonday :D

so in the meantime, let's stay with that snippet of song...

Ooo baby do you know what that's worth?
Ooo, heaven is a place on earth.
They say in heaven, love comes first.
We'll make heaven a place on earth.
Ooo, heaven is a place on earth.

To all the boys I loved before (long long ago)

The strange thing, the hardest thing, always was the part where i had to make myself believe that you no longer cared or didn’t or wouldn’t care, even though, actions speak louder than words :P

In my mind and in my heart, you loved me still :D

Perhaps I was/am the stupidest girl alive.

But yOu, even when yOu never came back, I still felt yOu loved me that's why I waited for yOu, fuming. Even though yOu never did. Even though I "knew" yOu’re so full of insecurities yOurself, you couldn't even begin to love yOurself. More so, me. (I have no idea if yOu've changed but I don't care really.)

And even though yoU couldn’t. Couldn’t possibly. I always believed and felt happy that somehow yoU knew me and saw me. That yoU knew I was a person. Even though now yoU swear to the depths of exploding Mt. Mayon and deeper that yoU never did and never will, I still insist that yoU did. Hahahaha. Maybe because I saw yoU and believed yoU were a person yoUrself that it’s such an impossible task to ask me to believe yoU’re an ogre. But yoU insist yoU are one. Hahaha. Fine. YoU're an ogre if that's what makes yoU happy. Actually, I just wanted you to be happy ... ogre.

Hahaha.

Boys, boys, boys. You are strange.

size 36

sabi ko sa kaibigan ko, ang hirap maging unresponsive kasi maliban na sa pagiging polite, ako ay loving :D

pero ang hirap talaga ng kinukumusta na hindi kinakausap. pramis. kasi di mo alam kung do you really want to know, and so can i really say, and if i can really say, then can we talk. kasi that's kumustahan.

kasi, tao po ako, tao. nangangausap at kinakausap. hindi ako poste na walang react. liban na lamang sa pagtayo sa kung saan man nakatayo ang poste.

hihi.

sister, ano ba talaga?!?!!!!! *sabay, sabunot hair*

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

haaay, importante ang hair para sa mga bridesmaid no ;))

sabi ng kaibigan kong mahilig mang-asar, bakit ang taray mo? mataray ka ba dahil bridesmaid ka na naman?

sabi ko, hindi no. happy ako. kapag bridesmaid, may bagong sapatos ;)).

as i was saying

nah, i wasn't saying anything :D


besides, it's raining too hard, too sporadically, and too spontaneously

really, too enthusiastically

to have much room to say anything, to do anything

beyond be amazed by the unbelievable rain.


i am earth,

i like rain.

ayaw

themundaneandthedivine: ang cutie auntie magya para sa log cabin summer camp mo
themundaneandthedivine: (didn't tell her the link i sent was about yoga storytelling for kids)
themoongoddesschronicles: hehehehe....ano yang indigo dreams? sabihin mo na at di ko bet mag-surf ngayon hehehehe
themundaneandthedivine: ;))
themundaneandthedivine: ayoko mag explain kakatamad .... but i love you anyway...
themoongoddesschronicles: hmp
themoongoddesschronicles: ang loving ay may sharing kaya i-share mo kung ano nalalaman mo sa indigo dreams
themundaneandthedivine: hahaha
themundaneandthedivine: i click mo lang tapos pag open ng page, self explanatory
themundaneandthedivine: no more scrolling down
themoongoddesschronicles: ayaw
themundaneandthedivine: hehehehe
themundaneandthedivine: hahaha

backpedaling planet

planet Mercury appears to be moving backward in the sky from Tuesday till almost the end of the month, and that means communication goes haywire :) (do i believe this? yes i do! hehehe).

my favorite carinderia (food delivery too) for one has been throwing in its menu inside my gate early in the am as their landline is out of order.

then as i was texting roommie to please take out the trash as she leaves for the office, i discovered i can't text no more. hihi. my outgoing line has been cut, so if you want me, call me :D. (i mostly have the modem in the daytime only) ... and so i took out the trash myself. as i do. haha :D. oh, i hope to pay later but i can't promise when i'll be back aligned with the cell sites. hehe.

still and all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TITA EDS!!!! You're the cutest Tita Eds in the whole universe, and I won't have you any other way ;)). Have a great day in faraway G.

101 dalmatians

you know when you wake up with just the right amount of sleep?
and you're very calm and still
and centered

and you do things very calmly
with a rested blank mind

it's so zen.

* * *

it's nice, too
after nearly losing it again in class, yesterday
when your classes give you opportunities to be still

you never know what will come up out of the blue
suddenly you're writing entire novels in your head

not fit for print :D

* * *

from Ala about her brother:

... and he knows when to leave me alone, but not in a passive aggressive way. This is a skill that takes most men a lifetime to master -- how to leave women alone. Take note, leaving a woman alone is not the same as walking out on her. The former is done in a spirit of acceptance, whereas the latter is usually done out of spite (read this, boyfriends).

* * *

Unavailable men.

There are those who are married (tee hee).
Those who don't have the space, but sometimes like hanging out at your place.
Or those who have no place to call home including themselves.
There are those who live on planet Pluto.

When I didn't get my degree in women and development,
I got my Phd in unavailable men.

* * *

You know someone once went into my kitchen and then brought me a glass of water.
I was so surprised, I almost fell off the sofa.

That's how bad it can get, your jaws fall off when someone is... well,

nice.

* * *

this is not an advertisement

eula: (emoticon kiss)
chester: (emoticon smile)
chester: wassup chocolate?
eula: oooh chocolate
eula: i have gotten to that point in my life when chocolate really is the next best thing
chester: hahahaha
chester: i have gotten to that point in my life when i want chocolate to be the next best thing
chester: nope, to be the best thing
eula: in that case, try dairy queen's brownie fudge blizzard

* * *

from Honeymoon by Amy Jenkins

'But -- I don't know,' I [Honey] said, 'I don't know if there's enough passion. I mean, he's so kind and good and wise and decent and hard-working and -- er -- clean and sexually functional and non-smoking, and he talks about his feelings and makes me laugh and I don't mind the way he dresses and he can cook and change the sheets on a bed.'

'Oh, God, surely there must be something wrong with him,' she [Therese] said, crossly.

I thought for a while. 'He supports Aston Villa,' I said.

She smiled at me. There was one of those motherly looks in her eye. 'You know what?' she said. 'Sometimes getting what you want is the hardest thing of all.'

astro dot com

Now get down on your knees and pray to the Goddess that it isn't you I could get annoyed with today. Hahaha.

Sexual energy **
If you suppress your sexuality in platonic relationships at this time, you may become irritable and feisty. This effect may be so subtle that you are not even aware of what is happening at the time. If you cannot fulfill your secret desire to make love to someone, you may become angry and harsh with that person. There is nothing to be done about this except to be aware of it and not take your feelings too seriously. But if there is any possibility of a sexual relationship with the person in question, feel free to initiate it. Persons in creative activities such as arts or crafts can also express the energy of this influence through their work. If you have any ability along these lines you will be able to express yourself through your art more effectively than usual.


The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mars Opposition Venus
activity period from 4 July 2006 to 7 July 2006.

looks like we made it

sweeties -- bride and on the side :D


cake and emcee


charades


songers and showerers



the woodpeckers' circle ;)


one last lesbian fling, teary-eyed ;)

still the one

Our old friends D and B are getting married.

Us bridesmaids against marriage (in principle... we adore the groom), we scared her witless with veiled mentions about the bridal shower we hosted, something involving tiring super late nights in a row. She said she was more scared of what could happen in the bridal shower than even the organizing nightmare of a wedding.

Oh, it was lovely. In a cozy room filled with old friends (women only, please, and absolutely no strippers), we gathered round the yummy pasta with puttanesca sauce, the laptop and the projector, and the projected image of the bride... hehe!

After chow and a trivia game of many juicy details, we started on the presentation that involved floating pictures from many many years ago and just last month, loads of alcohol and memories, loads of men, and special video clips of interviews with the bride's men. Yes, her men: romantic liaisons, intimate friends, fabricated men, and chasees.

The best bits, in my view, were the chase scenes, where the production crew fell all over themselves chasing men trying to get away from the interview. Hihi! Off they went into the elevator, and down the stairs.

The soundtrack: Wild women do and they don't regret it ... what you only dream about, wild women do! And then too, it's raining men! alleluia! ... it's raining men! Amen!

A highlight too was the ritual based on the one where old lovers return their keys to the bride's place. In our version, with each seashell we placed into a glass filled with cleansing salt water, we uttered our wishes for the bride to be healed of wounds from past experiences with men, for her to be able to continue on the new stage in her journey. And us too.

Much much later, early the next day, the bride sang Shania Twain's Still The One which is this mega annoying song because it's so so so so D and B together, it drives you to rivers of tears...

Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday

They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

Ain't nothin' better
We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen
Look at what we would be missin'

They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

p.s. come back tomorrow for pics ;)

creepy

every time I ask the angels,
for a message about this one theme,
I get the same card in the same position.

three times have I asked in the last four weeks
and three times have I been given
the same message:

Bridgette ~
CAUTION
Something is being kept from you.
This situation isn't right for you.

This has been the only time in the last six months that I've gotten such consistency.

sudden thought: did he ever ask me what i wanted in all the major decision-making and other things that happened?

did i? sometimes, i did.

oh dear. what if he never asked me what i wanted? asked in the sense that he wanted to know because what i would say would have to be part of his considerations?

shit. communication probably really does help a lot especially when it's authentic.

*****************************

sorry for the preoccupation. will post of fun things when we've successfully pulled it off. almost, but not quite yet. ;)

"naka", as M would say

sabay sabunot ng hair niya. ;)). i love that sabunot-hair YM emoticon.

Capricorn woman, you seem to like to hide your feelings and your emotional needs from other people. You really need to be able to trust other people in order to share your feeling with them. They seem to have to guess at your deepest secrets. Yet, today you could save a lot of time in your love life, if you would just accept to tell your partner what you want out of your relationship, or even what you would like to change about it. Talk about it. Your partner is listening...

anna

"I was unfaithful. That's what I was. It helped to have it spelled out. I shook my head and stared at his feet. I felt a pang at their familiarity. It takes an awful lot to stop loving someone. We'd both pigeon-toed away from the relationship, step-by-step."

"I don't know if it's linked to being the oldest child but Issy runs the gamut of tyranny. Half the time she's imperious, treating us like Blackadder treats Baldrick, the rest of the time, she's sulking because we offended her in our sleep or something. She likes to be the boss, but she also likes to be babied."

Behaving Like Adults by Anna Maxted

riding in the taxi one evening

i wrote myself a letter from him. in my head, i said all the things i wanted to hear.

that he's glad that i became a part of his life, and that i was a part of his. that he loved me. and cares about me. he said thank you for the love. and that he learned a lot from me. and he said he's really sorry that things didn't work out between us.

and that he wishes me well.

celebrating the fact that, finally, after much nervousness and several ejection attempts

i will be sitting squarely in the classroom of the teacher i want to learn from.

p.s. did you know that there are at least six versions of that song "It's Raining Men?"

fear and loathing in MM

sometimes sitting in dr. m's (hi t! ;) ) class is like doing transcription. you want to write down every word she says, because everything is meaningful :) at least the ones you get to digest in the split-second before she speaks again.

this is what i brought home last night. i went to class with a glass of strawberry-kiwi shake (yum, yup second in a row HB), and went home recognizing the truth about not stopping at awareness. rather, while we start with knowing, and being aware of our truths, what is more important is how we then start to live from those truths. we cannot leave it at, yes, we know. we need to shift our being into that truth and live from it. in doing so, we grow into other truths. in short, we grow.

however, there's no short-circuting the process either and saying, oh, we grew already. this is why am never comfortable with a friend's focus on change, saying that it is the most constant thing in this world (i feel saying this he's just protecting himself from being hurt by the change.) sure :). but change becomes natural, becomes part of us when recognizing our truths (emotional honesty, joannie calls it) becomes natural to us too. then we don't need to notice or comfort ourselves with the thought that changes just happen anyway, because when we are emotionally cognizant of our truths, we are the change that happens. the change is us.

this is also why it gets to me when friends also say, move on. because i feel it shows they don't know me at all. because i do move on :). and simply noting down (blogging!) or sharing my troubled thoughts with you is just simply that. me marking the moment with you, saying this is my truth now. those who know me very well, never say move on but simply listen. or agree or disagree, without invalidating what i'm saying.

but the truth is, i am guilty of the same crimes, i see that now. i am often uncomfortable listening to ate v's stories of her hard life, not because she doesn't have the right to tell them or to mark her moments with me. but i get afraid. i feel pressured to solve her problems because probably a lot of the time, i can solve her problems. and probably, a part of her also wants me to solve some of her problems because we do have that dynamic. i have more resources, and more knowledge in some areas, and it is a power equation in my favor. as with many things in life, it is a dynamic, and it is up to the two of us to work out a comfortable process where she gets to say her stuff without neglecting her work for us, and i get to help her without her depending wholly on me to solve her problems.

that's not the first realization i've had either about me being uncomfortable with other people's discomfort, sadness or sorrows. some time recently, i realized i was no longer afraid to open my eyes to my dad's sorrows or fears, when he has them. before this, both consciously and unconsciously, i was leery of too much connection because connection implies seeing and accepting. right now, i am more ready to receive him and can be there for him in more ways than previously. and like many gifts of the self, being ready to receive others means also that i will get to learn.

so i recognize it when some friends are unwilling to receive me, to just see me and stay with me thru my joys and my sorrows. that is ok. maybe, at some point, we will still get to receive one another. maybe not. maybe you will get to receive others. maybe you already do.

what's key though is the awareness. we have to own up to what we feel. to own up to and to own. we need to possess what we feel in the moment that we feel them, and having fully possessed them, we can let them go. then we move on.

a whole universe of joys and sorrows open up to us when we own up and own, instead of ignoring, denying or running away from our truths. we grow into this universe, and we grow some more into others.

(err sorry for the spate of stealing other people's titles ;))

killing time in a warm place

haaay, wala akong magawa :) wala naman akong problema :) just lonely i guess. it takes more work to connect when you're mostly by yourself, and you've always been the picky personality for whom it takes the perfect mix of ingredients to create cozy happiness :).

can't go running to a friend for comfort coz anything could go wrong, and an encounter could set us off ricocheting in all directions, and we'd end up worse off. hihi. caution has become more than necessary, as it takes too much to gain equanimity. and it seems to be that, never when you're needy. although needy is normal, and needy is true. although what i've always needed, and what would have solved most of our troubles at any time from the beginning in the middle till the end and up to now, was just a hug. ahhh life, but that's how it is.

not finding comfort at home either these days, easily irritated by little things (this is probably what marriage can be like if not tended properly), and the mutual phase where it seems that we prefer being alone by ourselves than with most people, including each other. and because i'd rather be perfectly wanted, than have to prove my good company, i stay away. all this being perfectly peevish, of course. haha.

at the same time, i also respect other friends need to be, to just be, even when just being results to not being with me. hehehe. i miss, i do :) and it doesn't have to cost a peso either. just the pleasure of our company :)

and so i burrow deeper into the covers, and into the pages and pages, and thank the Goddess for school.

and the porn, man, i must get to it right away :P

yes, i am doing a review of literature on porn and its harm to women.

crash and burn

i just wanted to say that :D. crash and burn.

someday when i'll be a 60-year-old girl, i'll still really be a 16-year-old woman.

i'm going back to the start. -coldplay

laughter=tears, and also
tears=laughter

girls in pants, the third summer of the sisterhood

it always happens that when I read a Melina Marchetta, I also read an Ann Brashares. All within two weeks of each other. And a tissue box for each, if you please. Plus snorts of laughter to make the neighbors think they live next to the house of loony spinsters who watch sex and the city dvds at four am.

tee hee.

i love viola because

because i am me and i like myself. and trees. :D

there! that should do it for google. lol.

my friend magya taught me to search "i love (type your name or alias) because" in google, and spend an entertaining afternoon in self-appreciation or otherwise.

here are some of my results from the google page:

1. SparkNotes: Twelfth Night: Themes, Motifs & Symbols
This situation creates a sexual mess: Viola falls in love with Orsino but cannot tell him, because he thinks she is a man, while Olivia, the object of ...

2. Twelfth Night essays - Free Essays - Viola and Orsino in Twelfth Night
In the fifth and final act the love between Orsino and Viola is now possible because viola reveals that she is in fact a woman and not the male page Cesario ...

3. Pansy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Under good conditions, pansies and viola are perennial plants, although they are ... Because of the origin of its name, the Pansy has long been a symbol of ...

4. Penguin Reading Guides | A Day Late and a Dollar Short | Terry ...
I opened the story with Viola because I wanted the reader to "meet" everybody through ... Cecil claims to love Viola, even when he leaves her for Brenda. ...

5.Movie Spoiler for the film - SHE'S THE MAN
This is annoying Viola because she really likes Duke. ... Viola falls in love with her roommate, he's in love with another girl, the other girl is in love ...

6.Viola@Everything2.com
Bach preferred the viola because then he could be "in the middle of the harmony. ... Viola di amore [It., viol of love: cf. F. viole d'amour], a viol, ...

7. Benefits of Switching to the Viola
I LOOVE viola, its so rich and deep. I started on viola and would love to continue playing...but i am focusing more on violin right now because of college ...

8. Never Fall in Love with a Viola Player
When in doubt, he would be at the venue because that is where is felt most at home. ... "Never, and I mean never fall in love with a viola player." ...


9. Viola - Welcome to Rock. - GUESTBOOK
If you love Viola and you know it, clap your hands! *clap clap* ... Just wanted to drop a note and show some love because I'm up past my bedtime and surfing ...

effeminate male that I am

errr, yes. I am an effeminate male (a pansy has indicated an effeminate male since Elizabethan times, says Wikipedia), a musical instrument (the viola), and a flower, the pansy.

as a flower, I am heart's ease or the wild pansy, the "progenitor of the cultivated pansy" that can be made into a potion to make the reluctant fall in love with one's self.

the flower pansy also stands for thoughts. Lots of thoughts, from the French word pensee, root word of the word pansy. Wikipedia says it "was so named because the flower resembles a human face and in August it nods forward as if deep in thought."


i am viola, named from shakespeare's twelfth night (see shakespeare in love for proof), and a psychic once said i was a pansy in past plant lives.

Moreover, I am cheeky, and need watering :D (err, yes, thanks for the constant appreciation hahaha). From Wikipedia, still: "Pansies should be watered thoroughly about once a week, depending on climate and recent rainfall. For maximum bloom, they should be given flowering plant food about every other week, according to the plant food directions. Regular deadheading can extend the blooming period."

but enough about me :P

gay girl!

in the news

it was this car.



we were happy as clams in it. at least as happy as one can get with a frequent murderous expression on one's face (it had been a temperamental summer, hehe! but it changed d's opinion on crv's. and it was a lovely drive.)

good morning

ahhh, sunrise :D

how lovely.

soon, it'll be time to sleep.

humid to the 100,000th power

oral fixations

honey proffered a lovely carrot cake in a box. vegan, she said, made without eggs. entranced, i rushed off to make coffee with the last of the mocha grind. which honey liked.

offered the last slice of cake to dee, with the macadamia coffee, with a dash of bailey's.

kept popping those lubid-lubid's from ilo. delish with a small glass of coke! just enough for a sick girl drowning in orange juices.

couldn't get over the urge to cook chicken soup so went ahead and did it at almost midnight. concocted it by mixing up in my head vika's recipe for chicken soup and bride-to-be's instructions for chicken asparagus soup. voila! ahhh, hot creamy filling chicken soup for the sick and the hungry!

good for breakfast as well.

and for lunch too.

snacked on an incredibly sweet small apple and slices of cheddar. nice surprise! picked up the apples at the grocery store to try.

mmm, macadamia coffee.

might go out later for a bar of good chocolate. or sashimi.

added ammunition

what's clear is that taking the prone position (prone to negative thoughts, hehe), clutching at Marchetta, chugging juices, popping vit. c and the occasional alaxan, aren't enough.

something needs to take me from strength to strength (hehe, just liked the sound of strength to strength).

am going the way of the lagundi.

p.s. oh, and vick's too

clutchbook

Suddenly it was 5 am, and i had turned the last page of my second Melina Marchetta for 2006, tear-streaked face sunk into the sofa, slightly mad from laughing loudly and weeping copiously to myself.

Saving Francesca feels like saving me.

I remembered how it was, that it had been my supposed first-ever birthday with you. How shaken I was when you gave up, because I thought it's just like that. Sometimes I really just need to be like the crazed woman from hell. Maybe I went mad wanting to be talked to. Maybe I really just wanted to take care of you, and to be taken care of.

Maybe the sixteen-year-olds in Marchetta's book makes double-the-age-and-some-more me grow up too (oh yes.)

Will clutch this book to chest as I go to sleep.

where did we begin?

with M, it was on a bus ride to Zambales and back, in one day, to check out a resort near here for the Women's Committee. major bonding. thank you for taking the time to ride for hours and hours and hours with someone not-yet-friend. it sure erased those dagger looks you must have thrown my way when I leisurely walked the university pathways with your crush. hehe!

with HB, it was her hanky i never returned (a long-term issue of our friendship) on the day i found a letter on the college org bulletin board (for goodness' sake!!! hahaha), that ended for good a three-year relationship.

with J, it was being able to tell her that i was in love with fido dido at a time when it was definitely uncool to be so. hehe!

with E, it must have been all those trips out the office on afternoons to find merienda. was that it?

with D, it was the swimming. was that it?

with A, it was her coming up to me in fourth grade! i was the new girl and knew no one!

with R, it was all those Shirley MacLaine books briefings at Rich St. was that it?

how cool are we? ;))

VII.
What are you so afraid of?

I need only to cry on your shoulder
I will not wet your entire shirt.

I need only the comfort of your hand,
I will not chain myself to it.

Sit with me, as I do with you.
Let us commemorate this moment together.

*
IX.
There’s no need to mini-
mize me, the way they super-
size the fries.

Stare at me and see me.
I’ll hold your gaze.

*
X.
They start it,
and they get so afraid,
they run away.

Even the good ones.
(He sees so many others
A trait I admired
and desired.

He looks past me.)

They go.

*
XI.

He used to look at me.

*
XII.

I see them, still.

academics

10 good news:

1. was pretty pleased to finally find my formal letter of acceptance to school as a degree student. ehehe! yes! on my last semester of academic units, i am finally a certified degree student ;)).

actually what this means is that i have finally finished with all the undergraduate prerequisite courses, and have submitted all requirements including honorable dismissal from further up the road.

2. yes, you heard it right. i am on my last semester of required courses (oh, where did the time go?). my last NINE class units, pretty heavy too for a nine-unit semester. after this i do my practicum, and take my comprehensive exams. after that i do my thesis.

but don't be surprised if i still end up taking classes next semester. i want to maximize my student status by taking courses that i can use in the real world anyway, including towards a Phd (angels, help!).

3. i almost fell into the lap of the teacher that i don't want to ever be with again, because the other section closed (other students being in agreement with me). as in, i will postpone this particular subject to next semester if i have to take it with her. luckily, her sked conflicted so the first teacher consented to add me.

after a few hours, they changed the sked so my official reason (conflict with another necessary subject) went kaput! but no, no taking back of enlistment :D

A BIG WHEW and thank you to all angels in charge of school registration.

4. i got an A and A minus for my summer courses. wahoo!!!

errr, a short explanation here. my all-seeing eye actually didn't catch the minus signs after the As in my exam papers, hence I have been announcing to people that I got an A in that stat thang. hahaha! selective perception, sorry. didn't mean to :D

5. i'm already super prepared for school with three new notebooks, black shoes, small thermos for water (i have decided that my bit for the environment will involve not buying anymore mineral water bottles if i can help it), and schoolbag! hehe!


and plus 5 points for roommie's birthday tomorrow, so all in all that's 10. hehe :P

here's the score, yellow!

for the curious public:
i have 3 yellow tees
and 2 yellow tanks!

and 2 other yellow tops that i don't wear
for the usual reasons... meaning
tightness.

hehehe!

oh and i have yellow sneakers but no
yellow knickers

;))

p.s. by way of explanation: amongst the spate of
accusations coming my way recently, one
is that i have no yellow clothes :P

this is the week when things just pop up out of the blue.

... like the instant quickie project that fell into my lap the other day as i was downloading songs on the internet. an ex-boss called asking for help. and it's something that i can do too, given my previous work and background. (although for a sec, i wondered why it was that ex-boss, and not the other ex-boss that called. maybe a matter of tactics on their part, if it had come to that. hehehe!)

... like the instant date with this good-looking young cousin and his warm, funny, reflective stories of growing up married :) nice one, cousin! have fun in the u es of a.

... or the fact that I am now sick, brought about by having the ex-boss' aircon blasting fully onto me, while we talked about women, health and water. i am dismayed to be sick, it adds to the low morale. have been needing to fight for my dignity, lately. but if i don't who will? (and a million thanks to those whose love sustain me). certainly, I have learned my lessons well, very very well, more times than you can imagine, long before this year. and after everything, I would still choose to have erred on the side of naivete than on the side of dishonesty.

Love, peace and trees! The trees know and they will remember :)

sound trip

inakusahan na naman akong bad influence. paano kasi, itong si vika, binanggit na pinag-iisipan niya daw bumili ng mp3 player! eh timing pa, medyo pinag-iisipan ko na rin na gusto ko ng mp3 player! lately kasi, nalulusaw na yong mga personal protesta ko na nakakasira ng tenga ang laging may gamit na earphones. naaakit ako sa ideya na puwedeng bitbitin kahit saan ang mga paboritong kanta. at dala na rin ng pagkatuwa ko sa panonood ng DVD sa kuwarto ko na gamit ang plug-in speakers, puwede nga naman mag sound trip na may speakers nang hindi laging nakabukas si fiolo, di ba? at laluna't puwede ang player na may fm radio na isa sa mga trip ko rin. so 'yon. na excite ako nung binanggit niya iyon at dahil nasa mall na kami, agad kaming nag-ikot at nagtingin ng mp3 players na hindi gawa ng mansanas (hehehe, mahal po yon!).

ang nangyari ay nakabili si vika ;)).

kagabi, pinakinig niya sa amin ang kanyang mga playlist na organized by singer/ band and by genre. enjoy kami! (pero gusto ko lang sabihin na kung ako iyon, naka-iskrambol ang maraming kanta kasi ayaw ko ng predictable na playlist kaya nga mahilig ako sa radyo.) so pagkauwi ko, naengganyo akong pakinggan ang aking mga mp3s, at tuloy nauwi sa iyakan. delikado din pala may mp3 player at kung saan saan napupunta ang damdamin ;))

pero natutuwa din akong magsound trip ngayon. ngayon na may sapat na panahon para mag sound trip dahil ako ay, NASA BAKASYON! Woohoo!

Heto ang dalawang kagandahang kanta. Idownload niyo na. Wahehehe.

It's about time, by Jamie Cullum
Walking down to the waters edge, where I have been before
If I don’t find my love sometime, I’m walking out that door
Some may come and some may go, but no-one seems to be
The person I’ve been searching for, the one who’s meant for me

Biddin' my time, trying to find the heart that’s lonely
Looking for her, my love, my one and only
Maybe I’ll dream, tonight about the girl, who’ll be coming my way
So I’ll take this chance and celebrate the day
When I’m making my way through an open door
I got some love and so much more
And I’m ready, to make someone mine
Making my way through an open door
I got some love and so much more
And I’ll find her
'cause it’s about time

What's your sign? by Des'ree
What's your sign? do you know?
Let me guess? you're scorpio?
What's your rising? where's your moon?
Scorpios are pretty cool. see i'm a sag.
So they say. i'm a butterfly, i like to play.
I'm always aiming into the sky.
I point my arrows, extremely high.

Chorus:
'cos everyone, has a sign.
Whether supernatural or divine.
Believe or not, if you're so inclined.
'cos in this great big universe
We're the stars on earth

Kasi, oh so coool ang dalawang kanta na iyan. Ang lamig lamig lamig. Sarap pakinggan.

lab, talaga

actually, gusto ko talaga.

kaya kong ma-imagine ang quality ng interaction and relating na gusto ko.

pero nakakatakot din.

natatakot din ako kung tama ba iyong ginugusto ko. hindi kaya ako maghanap ng iba kung sakaling matagpuan ko ang ganung quality ng interaction?

hahaha. at dahil hindi ko alam, at hindi ko malalaman hangga't di ko alamin, stuck in a moment ang lola vivi niyo.

* * *

nahirapan kasi ako
at nahirapan ka rin.

hindi nangyari yong mga ginusto kong mangyari.
(malamang hindi mo rin ginusto ang mga nangyari.)

pero doon sa proseso kung saan hindi nangyari ang mga gusto kong mangyari
sobrang dami ang natutunan ko sa sarili ko
(mga pangyayaring hindi ko inasahan :)

at kung nagsimula ako sa kalagitnaan na galit na galit sa iyo
sa ngayon ay kahit i-try ko pa, hindi ko na makuhang magalit.
(minsan kasi tinutukso ko ang sarili ko at try ko talaga magalit pero wiz, hahaha).

***

pero gusto ko pa rin ang gusto kong mangyari.

at takot na takot na akong hanapin ito sa iyo.

***

at bago pa man sumakit ang ulo ko sa kakabangga ko nito sa dingding

iniiwasan ko na lang ang dingding. minsan tumitingin sa kisame. laging lumalabas ng pinto. nakadungaw sa bintana.

dahil, hindi nagsisimula at nagtatapos ang buhay sa dingding na ayaw gumalaw.

hahaha.

do you believe that we actually have everything that we need? or we have the means to find it :))))))??

the other day, my sister texted saying that she wants to go do, but what?! she doesn't know yet. so i told her to ask before she sleeps, and in her dreams she might find some answers. and she did just that and the next day messaged me about two things that she dreamt about :) and these were stuff that she was worried about, but might not have acknowledged properly to herself that she did.

&&&&&&&&&&

sa tingin ko, malaki ang panahon na nabibigay ko sa paghahanap ng magandang puwesto. halimbawa, kanina nakaupo ako kaharap ang bintana. pagkatapos ng isang oras, natanggap ko na rin na nasisilawan talaga ako so lumipat na ako. sideways naman. hehe.

&&&&&&&&&

may exam ako bukas. final exam. ganito ang plano ko: magpagupit ng buhok. oo, gusto ko magpagupit ng buhok dahil mahaba na ang hair. haha.

&&&&&&&&

nakakatawa ako. gusto kong gumala. last week pa ako gala ng gala. di ako mapakali na di lumabas. daming energy, di kaya ng space. gusto ko lang maglakad at gusto ko ng maraming nakikita.

mag-aaral ako sa labas.

&&&&&&&

good luck po dun sa mga gumagawa ng sarsu. mag-enjoy kayo ;)

back from the 5th young men's camp

Magagawa natin
ang lahat ng bagay



ang lahat ng bagay sa mundo ...




ang iilang bagay,
di magagawa




di magagawang nag-iisa.



malulutas natin ang mga problema



kung tayo'y nagkakaisa...

natutuwa ako dahil kaya ko na mag-training na ako ang magdadala. di na ako natatakot at alam ko na ang gusto kong sabihin :) ... at kung may nakakalimutan ako, hinahabol ko na lang, hehehe.

(di ko pa rin naiwasan magalit sa isang punto, hay naku. sana, di na maulit ;)) dahil masama yata ang trainor na nagagalit sa mga trainees.)

natutuwa ako dahil masaya makasama ang maraming kaibigan sa isang proyekto na lubos na mahalaga at makabuluhan.

natutuwa ako dahil sobrang receptive ang mga bata, at marami sa kanila ang nagsabing gusto na talaga nilang magbago.

nakakatuwa panoorin ang kaisipan at kamalayan na nagbubukas.

naniniwala ako na nagiging attached ang mga bata sa isa't-isa, at nagiging memorable ang camp sa kanila, dahil pinayagan nila ang kanilang mga sarili na magbukas at ma-appreciate ang kayamanan na dala ng karanasan sa Camp.

being is its own reward :)

here's to men and women, good souls, open spirits,
at home and at one in their mind, body, soul,

magagawa natin ang lahat ng bagay sa mundo.

dreamworks pictures

hulaan mo kung sinong napanaginipan ko?

siguro iniisip niya ako ;)). siguro iniisip nila ako.

hahaha.

lagot ako kung iniisip nga nila ako at bigla nilang sabihin.

tanungin ko kaya, pssst, huy inisip mo ko no? inisip niyo ko no?

***

gusto kong matulog kahit kaunting oras lang.
nakakataba ang walang tulog.
nakakagaan ang tamang tulog.

Duma

ewan ko ba Maria kung bakit, nakakahawa yata ang hiwalayan.

dahil sa pagkasira ng tambalang HB-Jonas, magkakahiwalay na rin kami ng aking partner na si Kuya Ge.

magkakaroon ng mga bagong pagsasama. Si HB na at si Kuya Ge (a dash of Diego in the land of Rizal) at ako naman at ang di ko maalala kahit anong dukdok ko ng kukote ko sa dingding na si B.

tanong ko nga, maliliwanagan kaya ang mga kabataang Diego? ano ang sabi ng bolang bilog?

***

Duma daan lang.
Duma ranas ng matinding ambisyon (ma perfect ko kaya ang last exam?)
Duma ko roon.

Papuntang Duma guete.

Kitakits!

;)

the upshot

actually, there's probably not a lot that we cannot do
if we do them together
if we take the time to do these together
if we take the time to do these lovingly, together.

like taking the time to kindly teach the cab driver
to get from point A to point B
because he doesn't know and asked.

or taking the time to listen to each other.

there's more that i want to do with more people now.

and an enlarged head

but the thing is,

the second i roll my eyes

at the cloud

i know there is an expanse

of sky behind it

and beside it

expanding in all directions.

and the cloud is,

let me put it this way ...

what's with the cloud

in the face of

limitless sky?

with furrowed brow

there's a cloud:

it begs my acceptance.

till then,

it won't go away.

(cloud, go away.

all right.

be there.

i'll carry on folding clothes.)

Sex vs. Politics

This is where my problems revolve these days. I am forced to choose between Sex and Politics: It has gotten so that one of the great main pleasures of the hot part of May has been to settle in the middle of my huge queen bed (with its bright striped sheets, the one with comic memories), with the aircon on, and dim lights and settle down to slowly but surely work my way thru the entire set of Sex and the City DVDs, and/or the West Wing set borrowed from HB.

(I tell you, it is a delightful alternative to melting in the heat.)

But no, 12 episodes of SATC and 8 episodes of the West Wing, later, I come to a crossroad. SATC or West Wing? The UK or the US?

Fiolo's DVD drive screams stop to bilocality. It appears I have almost run out of choices as to the region of the world from which the DVD player can play original DVDs. You can only change the location setting a number of times and then forever be stuck with such region of the world! Ahhh, the travails of original DVDs! My SATC set is from the UK and West Wing was purchased in the US. See, see!?!? Why not buy pirated that can come from a person with no visible address, and be free of hassles? And I still have 11 DVDs to go thru sex-wise.

Still, speaking about the West Wing. Oh, it's so heartwarming, the antics of those fictional Democrats at the White House :D. What's heartwarming is the love and friendship between the brilliant men and women of the staff of US President Martin Sheen. Like Deputy Chief of Staff Josh going nuts because he's the only one among the staff given the card that tells him where to go (bunker or Air Force One) in the event of a nuclear attack. He can't take it. Or the US President assuring his speechwriter, the amazing bearded Toby, that he would be in the weeds without him, and thank God, he's his speechwriter ('twas a case of the speechwriter needing love and affirmation ... as we all do now and then, spirit-humans, as we all do :D).

I also love how they gimik together -- basketball, poker, dinner, and the US president cheats baldly and boldly on his irate staff :D It's most loving :D. Hahahaha.

Where politics leads me to love and friendship, I guess I am not too much at a disadvantage.

And besides, I can always watch SATC downstairs ... even if all the Aquarians are almost done with it ;)))

Trivia: Aquarians have this habit of gathering in front of the DVD player during my parties and watching all night long. Most strange of this airy creatures. But does that mean tv is more exciting than my parties?! Even when I myself provide the entertainment by inviting everyone over, and crying my eyes out in front of them? Mwehehehe. Life is so strange and nice.

magical light*

haaaay :)

ewan ko ba. tuwang tuwa talaga ako sa mga pics namin ni vika sa laiya. ang ganda kasi ng lugar. napapailing na lang ako sa tuwing tinitingnan ko ang mga pics. ang ganda kasi ng mga kahoy. ang ganda ng tanawin.

ang ganda ganda ganda ganda ng dagat. ang galing galing ni vika. hawak hawak niya ang camera noong napansin niya na parang nakapaloob kami at ang karagatan sa "magical light"*. na kahit anong kuhanin mong picture ay maganda ang labas at ang sinumang nasa picture ay umaapaw lamang sa kagandahan.

tuwang tuwa pa ko kay vika kasi di siya nakakaconscious na kasama sa picture-picture. basta na lamang niya kukunin ang camera at mag picture ng gusto niyang picture-an laluna kung sa tingin niya ay nasa mgandang anggulo ang puwesto mo.

(sinimulan pero di natapos)

***

tapos, nakakaaliw din kung paano nakakakilig talaga ang aming mga picture. 'yong picture. 'yong picture, 'yong picture ang nakakakilig. haaaay, weird but true.

*hahaha, kakatawa kasi ang kapatid kong babae. pinagtawanan ang pag-ecstacies ko over "magical light." hahaha.

good things, great things, fab summer

my winning text exchange of the day:

moi to brother in province: i persuaded dad to bring you gonuts donuts
brother: well done, sister. :)

:D:D:D

***

I am excited.

The next young men's camp is coming soon!

And more of my favorite people are going!

Woohooo!

There'll be swimming pools and one with sulfur mud (lol, is that good?)!

And I'll have company flying back to Manila!

Wooshoo!

****

Then yesterday,

my knees trembled as I

was handed my long exam booklet

wherein I thought I might have failed.

But no,

I got an A.

:D

I take my blessings,

when and where they come.

*****

Plus, I want to thank HB for
inviting us to the creative movement
workshop we had yesterday which was

Simply FABULOUS!

Even if I will never be able to dance hiphop,
so what, I am the star dancer in the
dance stage of

MY LIFE

;)))

****

And I want to say

You're Welcome to the
"chakra cuties"
who are thanking me
for coordinating the
get-togethers.

It's my pleasure, pramis.

I am just glad to
have gotten to know you.

********

THANK YOU

FOR EVERYTHING.

***

Love, peace, and

sufur mud.

:P

Laiya2: looking up at

the moon and katig

Laiya 1: some enchanting trees

enamoured with those enchanting trees




trotting off to a tree


talking in earnest


sitting with the tree


tree camouflage



sun, sea, tree


the lovely leaves

lessons in love/ baby talk

on the way to Greenhills to meet fair Arwen of Lothlorien (hahaha super palagpat)... err Manhattan ...

Aemon: Sinong baby mo ninang vivi?
Ninang VV: Si Ninang Vivi!
Aemon: (chuckles) si baby Ninang Vivi!

Ninang VV: Sinong baby ni Ninang DD?
Ninang VV: Si A____t!

Ninang VV: Sinong baby ni Ninang Rd?
Ninang VV: Si ______g!

Aemon: Papasabugin ko ang bahay mo Ninang Vivi!
Ninang VV: Ha?!?! Huwag!!!
Aemon: (chuckles) Baby ni Ninang Vivi si baby Ninang Vivi!

p.s. woe to me. might get sued by Aemon's parents for taking remarks out of context and not in order :D

Peace, love and babies (not mine)! :D

One day, isang araw

"Do you remember? On the 21st night of September? Love was chasing the night away," todo kanta ng banda sa stage sabay umaalog din ang lechon kawali sa loob ng tiyan ko. Di mapigilang sumayaw sayaw habang nakaupo at masyadong inviting ang kanta. Paborito ko yata dati yon. Anong kanta yan? Tanong ng kaibigan kong mas bata sa akin na di inabutan ang jazz classic/period theme song ko at ng aking mga cohorts (natutunan namin sa Psychology class na cohort ang technical term sa mga kasabayan mo ng henerasyon). September ng Earth, Wind and Fire, sagot ko naman agad, natutuwang maishare ang paboritong kanta. Enjoy kami sa Baywalk. Napaupo kami noong nagsimulang kumanta ang banda ng mga ka emote emote na kanta. Mood ko kasi ang pakinggan ang mga senti songs na senti without being OA. Kumbaga, senti-classic. Tapos bait pa ng waiter. Natutuwa siyang sabihin kung ano ang specialty ng restaurant nila, isang never ko pa na heard pero kahelera ng iba pang chains dito sa Baywalk. Gyozan sabi niya, dumplings daw iyon. Masarap din ang kanilang lechon kawali. Tig-isa kaming san mig lite ng kaibigan ko. Tig-isa ding rice. Tig-isang tubig. Aba solb. Ang saya.

Ewan ko ba at trip ko lang lumabas at maiba ng eksena sa nakasanayan. Naisip kong sayang naman ang maghapong walang urgent para lamang maglinis. Naghanap ako ng kaibigang puwede mayakag pumuntang malayo at di kailangang gumastos ng malaki. Trip lang. Hinabol namin sana ang sunset pero trapik at maraming nagsisimba sa Quiapo. Ok lang, inabutan namin ang komunistang moon. Upo muna kami doon sa seawall kasama ang sangkatutak na Pilipinong mahilig din mag liwaliw. Ang saya. Tabi tabi kami doon sa seawall, isang napakaromantikong eksena lalo na’t di halata sa gabi ang dumi ng Manila Bay at ng Roxas Boulevard. Basta masaya lang. Umupo kami magkaharap at nagkuwentuhan. Nagtawanan. Dalawang linggo lang ang nakaraan mula noong huli naming gala pero napakadami na ng pangyayari. Nag-iyakan ng kaunti, tawanan na muli. Matapos bumili ng isang rosas sa isang batang babae at natawa sa eksenang para kaming magkarelasyon na lesbiyan, naglakad lakad kami muli at napaupo nga kami doon sa unknown restaurant. Doon doon kami mismo sa mesa kung saan nagtatagpo ang malamig lamig na hangin mula sa dagat at ang mainit init na hangin mula sa makeshift kitchen ng restaurant. Mga elemento na nakakapaglikha ng kidlat at kulog.

Nguya nguya, kanta kanta, malagkit na mainit na masaya. Ganito siguro ang gustong-gustong feeling ni Bryan sa kanyang pakikisalamuha sa mga kapamilya’t kapuso. Wala lang, Pinoy na Pinoy, may musika, beer, pagkain, kaibigan. Madali naman maintindihan. Ginagaya ko yata ang aking kinagigiliwan. Di bale di naman bawal ang panggagaya. Ganyan din minsan ang nagagawa ng pagmamahal. Tila nagkakapalit-palit ng mukha at hilig.

06901

what do you do when a much loved friend sings one song with all his heart? over and over again, the whole night through?

over and over again, the whole night through?

sometimes sending in someone else to punch in the numbers when he's not yet in the room?

0-6-9-0-1. x 2 x 2 x 2. and one more. 0-6-9-0-1.

what do you do? what can you do?
you sing along with him ...

silently,
in your head...

(he shushes, glares and waves a finger at those who sing along).

and you pray that he will one day soon feel better. that God give him strength as he is weary.

and that you won't wake up in the morning with the biggest last song syndrome of your entire life ....

here we go, Christian Bautista revival, errr take it away, Aquarius 17 :)

As I watch you move
Across the moonlit room
There's so much tenderness in your loving
Tomorrow I must leave
The dawn knows no reprieve
God, give me strength when I am leaving

So raise your hands to heaven and pray
That we'll be back together someday

[Chorus:]
Tonight I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight you calm my restlessness
You relieve my sadness

As we move to embrace
Tears run down your face
I whisper words of love so softly
I can't believe this pain
It's driving me insane
Without your touch, life will be lonely

So raise your hands to heaven and pray
That we'll be back together someday

[Chorus:] [2x]
Tonight I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight you calm my restlessness
You relieve my sadness

[Bridge:]
Morning has come another day
I must pack my bags and say goodbye, goodbye


[Chorus:] [2x]
Tonight I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight you calm my restlessness
You relieve my sadness

swirly skirt

Bless :)

I'm happy.

I have too much hair but I'm happy.

It's humid like there's no tomorrow but I'm happy.

I crave the sea and the sand but I'm happy.

I need the bathroom but I'm happy.

I'm going to have a new ID, and it'll be a toss-up between this gulo-gulo hair, fat face id, and that gulo-gulo hair, fat face id, but am happy :))

Haaay. Melting like a lard of butter in a frying pan but hey.

IT'S ALL SUNNY. Great to be cookin' with ya.

Mmmmmmwah.

hello, trees

The best horoscope to read after you wake up at 1030. Hehehe.

It may be hard to find your footing early on in the day, V. You are better off sleeping in for a while. Have yourself a big breakfast and relax for the first part of the day. By the time the evening comes, you will be refreshed, recharged, and ready to take on the town. There is a feeling of restriction on your emotions today that may be making it difficult to express yourself fully. You may be better off just turning this energy inward at this time.

Healing conversation
Under this influence all forms of healing and being healed are especially favored. This influence is also particularly suited for every type of operation on body and soul, whether you undertake this on another person or on yourself. With people who are close to you, you can have deep conversations about those sore points which we all have and which make us react very sensitively to some things. It would be only too human to avoid this situation for fear of the pain connected with it. But, of course, you should not do so, as healing and becoming whole demand certain preconditions which are not readily to be found, but which are, during this time, especially favored.


The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mercury Conjunction Chiron exact at 14:08
activity period from 22 April 2006 to 23 April 2006.

the Friday that can't decide

originally i had a whole-day class today.
then i didn't.
so i said i'd spend it with friends rarely in town.
but then my other class was going to start today, after all.
then it didn't.
in the meantime, i asked to move a meeting to next week.
then my friends have other appointments.
do i want to chase them to have more bonding time?
then another friend from the province is in town
and is free right this minute.
and i want to meet gf. and gf. and gf.
and maybe bf wants to meet too.

LOL.

i'll clean my room,
and do my collage for
tomorrow's last session
instead:

how have i evolved in this week alone?

gazillions.
my atoms are in motion.

joy joy

happy happy joy joy :)

it is a blessed time :)

i have a midterm due tom. LOL. i just finished my finals and here it is, a midterm. but it's lovely :)

outcome (The High Priestess)

Your intuitive powers are at their height at this moment in time; only by listening carefully and trusting them completely can you embrace that power. Do this and you will make strong, clear, self-assured decisions. Allow for flexibility and expect promising outcomes.

something to guide us:
when is it (when do we?) love and when is it ego?
if we ask, we will know :D

just thought that a great one-size-fits-all people and situations kind of Q to let us know if we're true :)

:)

out of

literally

out of breath
out of steam
out of thoughts

ran out
closing shop

sand, save me

hello, angels
let's hit the beach.

theory of love

WATYUTINK?

Robert Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love (1986)

Liking= Intimacy without Passion or Commitment
Companionate love= Intimacy + Commitment without Passion
Romantic love= Intimacy + Passion without Commitment
Empty love= Commitment without Passion or Intimacy
Fatuous love= Passion + Commitment without Intimacy
Infatuated love = Passion without Commitment or Intimacy
Consummate love = Passion + Commitment + Intimacy

A Side

Nais Ko
by Side A

Nang makita ka'y di ko malaman,
Saan ka galing, saan paroroon
Nakuha mong kausapin ang aking puso
Nakakulong
Ilang araw, ilang buwan ang dumaan
Tayo'y naging tunay na magkaibigan
Kahit malayo ka'y parang andyan ka rin
Sa 'king piling, o may lihim...

Nais kong sabihin sa iyo,
Mahal kita at di kita iiwan
Nais kong yakapin kang mahigpit,
Kailanman ay di kita pababayaan
Mahal ko, mahal ko...

Ang larawan mo'y nasa paligid
Minamasdan at hinahagkan
At habang lumilipad ang aking puso
May binabanggit, may sinasambit...

Nais kong sabihin sa iyo,
Mahal kita at di kita iiwan
Nais kong yakapin kang mahigpit,
Kailanman ay di kita pababayaan
Mahal ko, mahal ko...

this much is true

yes, head on over there now (lotustarot dot com).

they have free readings, and if you're clear with yourself (you acknowledge to yourself how you really really feel) then the readings are really good.

after all, my last paper was on projection and synchronicity thru card readings ;)). it's just you. there's nothing to be scared about because it's just you.

what you most want at this moment (The Hermit)
The cards suggest pansy, that what you most want at this time is to know what to do, as well as companionship or a lover as you feel somewhat lonely or isolated at the moment. Perhaps you are feeling exhausted and in need of a rest - if you have been ill this is a time for rest and recuperation.

so true, funny how it seems, always in time but never lined for dreams ... ;)
this is the sound of my soul, this is the sound.

outcome (The Lovers)
Love is coming into your life even if you really can’t see where from at this time. If you are on your own a new lover will soon enter your life. If you are in an unhappy relationship you have a choice to make - go with your heart, take the risk, greater happiness is ahead of you.

mwahahaha, alas, alack. i am in love with my new swimsuit. ;))

a.w.w.l.m.

A Weird Woman Like Me
Yes, it's true. When you say you're weird, probably, you aren't. :)) Just lacking in attention :D. But whatever.

There are some people with whom I am very circumspect. Probably because they're much noisier, and I'd rather leave them to it when my voice can't be heard above theirs. When they try and ask (because I know vivacious people often feel strange around those too silent and feel pressured to become more vivacious ;)) questions to try and get others to talk, it's more difficult to answer because of the pressure.

(As an aside: maybe that's some of the "good" in equilibrium theory. As applied to intimacy it means that people strive towards an ideal level of intimacy, a level they themselves set. When it's too intimate, they back away. When too distant, they try to get closer. ... But I don't mean about intimacy this time. Rather, maybe it could be like the sensor in my overhead water tank. When water decreases to a certain level, the pressure tank goes to life. ... Meaning, if our consciousness had a sensor, we'd tone down our voices and say less, to give more space for others to speak :) those who need more time and space to warm up. And likewise, sensing the space, the more silent will talk too. ... All these without pressuring each other but in an atmosphere of kindness, acceptance and respect ;)) ... wow sounds like too solemn a situation... wahahaha)

But what I really wanted to say was, without saying much, and just smiling a lot, I had a good time really. A lot of it was also because I wanted to weep. I felt like crying because I love them. I do.

Hahahaha.

there i go there i go

old friends, good friends, missed friends

sad ako sister na wala ako noong nangyari ang krisis na kinuwento mo kanina,
kahit na alam ko na hindi siguro ako ang kailangan mong makasama sa panahon na iyon.
natutuwa lang ako sa bawa't pagkakataon na tayo'y nakakapagusap na tayong dalawa lang. siguro isang beses sa bawa't taon. at nangyayari lamang dahil sa di inaasahan o pinaplanong pagkakataon. (at siguro iniiwasan din natin magkita, at mayroon tayong kanya-kanyang dahilan.) sa bawa't pagkikita, naaalala ko kung bakit matalik tayong magkaibigan. at na mahal kita :).

(hayun, nahanap ko na ang inaalala kong konseptong Pinoy tungkol sa pagkakaibigan, at ito ang pagiging matalik na kaibigan.)

***

noong naghiwalay tayong lima noong Sabado, naisip ko na baka di rin tayo matutuloy sa ating pinag-usapang pagkikita ngayong linggo. alam mo na, mga bisi, balisa, maraming iniisip, may sari-sariling buhay. minsan, natutuwa akong magkamali. magkikita tayo muli! bukas :)

***

dati (1), iyong dati (2) kong mahal ay nanggigigil sa alaala ng mas dati (3 ;)) ko pang mahal. ayaw niyang tanggapin o alalahanin na dati may iba akong mahal. kaya para di na makagatong sa kanyang nararamdaman, di ko na rin masyadong kinukuwento ang tungkol sa dati. nakakalungkot din lang kasi, that was a beautiful time. at ganoon din ang sinabi noong mas dati kong mahal. sabi niya rin, that was a beautiful time. (ang mas cute, sinabi niya ito noong nagkaroon siya ng bago, hehehehe).

***

iyong isa ko pang mahal (iba pa), hindi niya rin maatim na minahal ko iyong dati (iyong isa, hindi iyong mas dati). hindi ko na rin masyadong binabanggit kasi may mga isyu din ako sa sarili ko. pero ang totoo niyan, minahal ko rin iyong dati. maganda din ang panahon na iyon.

hayun.

vows

single, "old," cranky, fab

claudine on tv: raymart, i truly believe it is God's will for us to be one.
fab1: to be one?! hindi ba puwedeng to be two? kailangan bang to be one?!
fab2: oo
fab1: eh kahit naman sa lahat ng binabasa ko on intimacy, walang sinasabing to be one

****

claudine on tv: raymart, ... i promise to inspire you. ...
fab1: roommie, i promise to inspire you. ...
fab2: ayaw ko nga!
fab2: ayaw kitang maging inspiration!

hahahaha!

****

claudine on tv: ... and your number one fan.
fab1: ay gusto ko yon!

shades of edwin mccain. i'll be the greatest fan of your life. hehehe.

maybe i can submit this instead?

intimacy~

from the map i am currently writing
the map of intimacy:
a guide for development psychology

i and the other:
when there is mutual knowing (says Kathy)
and being in each other's company (adds she)

and there is mutual vulnerability (says Cordova and colleagues)
and validation from self disclosure (says Reis and Patrick)

a stage we reach (says Erik Erikson)
the self constructed in relation (says H. Sullivan)

intimacy was when i made myself fully available
presence, support, and knife to to chop chickens
the anxious perfectionist chef

when i attune myself to moods strung out
in words and letters strung together
thru text, each message sent from me
pieces and moments of me for you

it is a nod across the room
a sudden all-knowing smile
the hug spontaneous

i am here for you
you are.

and so am i,
says you.

"i" upcoming

lately i've been asked to take part in something inspiring. rather, a publication that will focus on inspiring stories, for a world that lacks ... well, inspiration ;)

rather, the people behind the project wish to create a venue, a pole, a deep well? of stories inspiring that they see to be lacking, and that people need.

i have had my doubts because one, i feel it creates a false dichotomy between what's inspiring and what's not. that some things are inspiring, and others are not. but isn't it that all experiences just are, and what is inspiring is what appeals or what moves us depending on what we need to find appealing or moving at particular points of being ourselves?

also, it perpetuates the yearning for perpetual happiness, and the ever-present fear of sadness. as if life were possible being lived only on the side of happiness. but isn't it that happiness and sadness just are, and what we need is to recognize the joy and sorrow within ourselves, to experience these and let them go. they will flow like the tides regardless of who we are, what we have, and what we are doing.

still, it is true that media today spreads much doom and gloom, possibly at the expense of inspiration. there are many inspiring stories that need to be told and shared, and chewed, and swallowed, and learned from.

for as long as we are able to avoid adding to the universal all-encompassing pressure that humans need to be, have to be, happy. otherwise, they're shit.

inspired, why not?

our 'i''s

the enneagram outlines people's ways of relating with the world. my way is to be contained within myself (this is who i am), and perhaps, to do things better than others (hahaha).

what i wanted to say was my way is not to entertain you, or to make you happy.

but what i really wanted to say was that no one's way is better than anyone else's. it's just that we are all different, and life would be boring without all kinds to populate the Milky Way (hello there angels and alien friends ;) ).

your only obligation to the world is to be the best you ;) balanced you.

i am writing this remembering people i am sometimes uncomfortable with because they seem to have an unsaid expectation of me to be more than i am. rather to be larger than my life. to be entertaining and alive. hehehe! i guess all that means is that they don't really know me yet because i may be sedate by all appearances, but certainly i occasionally seethe with passion. hahahaha!

i am also writing this remembering chester and myself just the other day. she needed to talk and vent (she as herself) while i needed to study and relax (me as myself). so i listened. then after some time, i realized she was being herself, and would be herself. i owed it to myself to be myself too, or else it would not be fair. so having listened, i then gently steered us into the street, and into the cab ;)). after all, only i can stick up for what i know i need. chester was only sticking up for what she knew she needed. and love makes it all alright ;))

warble warble warble

You say you're not sure about love
If this thing we got together is real
But I say what are you afraid of?
You're a woman now and you know how to feel
Look to your heart
And the answer will be
Such a very simple thing

But if the love fits wear it, baby
And if it feels good, put it on
And if it's not that then just maybe
You'd be better off to leave it alone

But if the love fits wear it baby
And if it feels good, put it on
And if it looks like then just maybe
This love we have is where you belong
(This love we have is where you belong)

Baby you've got nothin' to lose
You can try it on and see if it suits you
And maybe, if it's not right for you
You can turn and walk away if you choose to
I want you to stay
'Cause you feel good to me
But I'll leave it up to you

And if the love fits wear it, baby
And if it feels good, put it on
And if it's not that then just maybe
You'd be better off to leave it alone

But if the love fits wear it baby
And if it feels good, put it on
And if it looks like then just maybe
This love we have is where you belong
(This love we have is where you belong)

I'd like to hold you for I love you a lot
And try to make you understand
We got a good thing and it fits us so tight
But what can I do?
It's up to you

sweet wishes

yes. yes i want dd to have her summer samba wedding.

that would be very nice. sooo nice.

and the way it looks right now, i'm not going to be able to reach all my dreams of nerdiness and academic excellence but instead will have to be banished to some hot deserted island with nothing but coconut trees and an endless fountain with green tea shakes. (yes, even without whipped cream.)

hehe.

yes. yes i want to walk barefoot on cool white tiles. but the soles of my feet end up being so black. sooo black. not so very nice.

we interrupt this blogpost with a cool shower and a tall glass of iced tea.

summer na gid ya

all things conspiring to give me the biggest tan of my life:

1. radiation from fiolo screen or the tv
2. the fires of my guilt (why, why, why do i still have two papers to pass????)
3. the hot summer wind
4. the furnace of my fears (repeat: why, why, why do i still have two papers to pass????)
5. the mangoes in the refrigerator.

whaaaat? hehe.

************

i love.

the sweet breeze from electric fan brushes my face
(with closed eyes, it becomes your breath),
my firm wide bed,
a hint of heat thru open windows,
cool rooms in shadow,
and the lusciousness of ripe mangoes.

awantin' some sweet lovin' ;)

astrodienst: A perfect balance **
This influence is favorable for sexual relationships and for all kinds of creative activity. It symbolizes the perfect balance between your need to be yourself and your need to relate to another. But this influence is strongly physical rather than psychological in its effects. A purely romantic relationship with no physical sex would not be very satisfactory, but such a relationship is not likely to occur during this time. Your erotic fantasies will certainly be stimulated, and women or men whom you would not usually look at twice seem much more attractive now. In fact you need to have a certain amount of discretion, lest you get involved in a totally inappropriate relationship. But again this influence is not usually that compulsive.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mars Trine Venus exact at 20:40
activity period from 24 March 2006 to 28 March 2006.


A Smile and A Gentleness

There is a smile and a gentleness
inside. When I learned the name

and address of that, I went to where
you sell perfume. I begged you not

to trouble me so with longing. Come
out and play! Flirt more naturally.

Teach me how to kiss. On the ground
a spread blanket, flame that's caught

and burning well, cumin seeds browning,
I am inside all of this with my soul.

Translator: Coleman Barks


Futureminders: Emotions tend to find the right balance now, although they are anything but static. Passion is an enjoyable experience today, especially with one who shares your desire for pleasure. You can make a good, physical connection with someone at this time as you attract a strong individual who likes to take the lead. You know how to harmonize with whomever you are with so that you can get the most out of whatever he or she has to offer.


Some Kiss We Want

There is some kiss we want with
our whole lives, the touch of

spirit on the body. Seawater
begs the pearl to break its shell.

And the lily, how passionately
it needs some wild darling! At

night, I open the window and ask
the moon to come and press its

face against mine. Breathe into
me. Close the language- door and

open the love window. The moon
won't use the door, only the window.

Translator: Coleman Barks

photo album

THE READING PUBLIC. :)

This is how low my sense of humor is getting. Eurgh.




When AQUARIANS get together at a Capricorn abode, the Marines fall into disarray.
D and E emoting over In Her Shoes while VV obssessive-compulsively arranges her coffee mugs on a tray.





I guess, I felt strange.


hehe!

part of the mad dash to the finish line

The Enneagram and the Filipino Psyche

My instinctive answer was that Filipinos are essentially Type Two, or the Giver/ Helper. I sense that Filipinos are Type Two in how they will go out of their way to please the other. The other’s happiness is their happiness. Hence, Filipinos are famous for their hospitality. But helping/ giving is not limited between Filipinos and non-Filipinos. Rather this way of relating takes place between individuals, within families, and within almost all social structures.

Like how food is central to Filipinos. Within families, food is love, and woe to the child or family member who escapes the Filipino mealtime. Also how over-protective parents can be of their children, or how martyred some spouses are. Third is the theorized tagasalo phenomenon, where someone in each family takes on the burden of ensuring the happiness of the others at the expense of themselves.

The Filipinos take pride in their good relations, and see the social network as their source of strength. Hence, the inescapable system that prioritizes the kilala over the di kilala, that enlists numerous pairs of godparents at weddings and baptisms, and the failsafe network that rescues those in need at crises situations. Taken to practical extreme, good relations have also metamorphosed into the palakasan system within institutions that discriminates against strangers even those more capable or as capable.

Perhaps Filipino resiliency and adaptability is also related to being the Helper. Filipinos can transcend the most difficult conditions, and can overcome the most challenging limitations for the sake of loved ones. Take for instance, the overseas workers who brave sand, snow, storm, distance, loneliness and alienation just to ensure that loved ones will have something to live on, or will have some of what their heart desires.

Also, it is probably related that much of the work abroad that Filipinos get into is caregiving work. Filipinos are the nurses, midwives, domestic helpers, entertainers of many countries and many races. Such that it has become common to ask among wealthy foreigners, do you have a Filipina too?

Two’s give love in order to receive love. So that they may be validated, they need to feel useful and giving. When mutuality is not achieved, resentment can erupt. Hence debts are called in: one must pay one’s utang na loob. Or at the very least, the recalcitrant is labeled walang pakisama. Two’s notice when there is insufficient return of investment on their love and care, and can act up or act out.

Of course there is a shorter way to love. It need not come from others, but be a self-replenishing well from within.

In the way that Two’s understand about giving, integrated Two’s come to know that there is abundant love available to all in the Universe, including themselves. This Filipinos can also learn.

Disclaimer: this was a short offhand answer to an exam question, that did not go into detail on the levels of enneagram type two. meaning there are too many hasty generalizations given that the enneagram is empirically established. and actually for each type, there are healthy to unhealthy ways of being, the better to find out how one may grow.

but thought i'd put this out here in the meantime, as food for thought, and come back to it when i have more time to give a more considered answer.

i repeat myself

but seriously, ang galing talaga ng enneagram.

it's growing on me.

and i like that it is not simply a personality typology but a tool for self-awareness and spiritual growth.

promise.

sabi dati ni chester, when i say promise, i totally mean it.

reading this book now, and have confirmed once again that i am almost equal parts types four and one but not at all fully any of each.

Four-me example: I don't like either to take the lead or to be a follower.

Ay talaga. I can lead but if you naturally expect me to do it all the time or obligate me, I'll resent it sure enough at some point. I am also not a good follower especially when I feel that I can do better. Hahaha. I only take orders from those I believe in.

If you're looking for references, try The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson

hindi ako nalilito

kung minsan,
naiisip din kita.
(lagi kitang iniisip pero kung minsan,
naiisip kita.)

;))

Here's my updated list of things I can do all day long without complaining:

1. prepare psychological reports based on projective tests, particularly TAT stories.
2. search for related literature online.

taj

ambot ah! ano man to ang mga picture mo sang India man.

SOBRA NA GID TO YA KANAMION.

tani, gin upod mo na lang ko to.

ano pulos sang gakahisa lang ko.

hehehe.

passion and peace

happy new year.

the zodiac year starts today.

all Aries fire, and new beginnings.

here's to peace and passion! :)

HI.

none of the

usual suspects.

not womyn.
not piyaya.
not werock.
not jomari. <-- something only HB knows about ;))
not tao.
not stariray.
not pansyfancy.
not pansy.
not saja
not sajacutie <-- something only Bryan knows about wahahahaha

nope.

none of dd's guesses either:
goatgirl or
iloveny

nor roommie's
141763.

no one in the universe knows the password to my desktop that i last opened all of 14 months ago.

the magic word/phrase could be in one of my notebooks somewhere.

or not.

why don't your hazard a guess? ;)

chillin'

hehe.

my babysitting duties just ended. how can one take against an adolescent child, his very adolescence? hehe. i dunno, am not mad at all. he's a sweet kid. but a ... heavy weight groupmate. luckily, though it was heavy work that report, it wasn't as heavy as my reserch class where i might just as well give it up without my sweet and lovely friendships (groupmates).

am adrenalin-rushed. i feel like i've just come from the battle, and it wasn't that bad. and i had fun anyway. i had fun chatting with ate nina before sleeping on my papers (my email was open and she thought i was toiling till dawn). hahaha! i never make the mistake of not sleeping ate ningning :D

actually, i love end-of-sem madness :D.

it gets my blood pumping, and i get full of good ideas.

lalala. lalala.