when fate intervenes

there they were all in a row.

six types of pumps, all winking cheerily at me, in their reduced price glory (from the original P2,400 to P800).

and all of them in smallest size 7.

tata! my size six self went home with the one ream of copy paper that i set out to the mall for :) (and two pens, one pink :P... one must still have one's little material treats)


* * * * *

So.

The role that John-wider-Cusack (hehehe! someone is going to get mad) is best at: the one who was born only to love Her.

The role that Diane-beauty ever-Lane is best at: She the lovable one, whom "lower" men failed to love.

:D

gaga girl

was all set to work earlier, after a happy sandwich that i've been craving for for a week or so (yes, the sandwich is feeling positive affect, so there! hehe!). i was ready, set, go.

but then i got interrupted, and didn't have my space to myself (these things cannot be helped of course because it's not really just my space, just that i had claimed it for my review of lit ;)) ) and i. just. couldn't. wait. to. be. alone. again. and i was dying for it, and finally, i was, and still i didn't couldn't work.

i had taken a break, and bryan was online. and bryan and i are perfectly fine. and today is a non-chatty day for me (in any form or medium except this blog hehe), and online, he, too, was in non-chatty form with me. and that's ok. and i really like how i don't get mad at bryan anymore these days (which means we're good with each other). but then i can't rid my system of this insiduous idea that if you love each other, and especially if you don't see each other that often, then the norm is that you should be talking. this, even if i really didn't feel like it anyway.

and even if i already knew that now and then "in love, alone," is normal. :)

and this, even if i already knew, that if i should get lonely (for some reason or no reason), i should ride it out till the end of its days, so to speak, because that's really the only thing that will cure it anyway, and not him or her or whatever else so i might as well spare people the psychic burden. :)

so i went upstairs, and cried instead.

but now, tita e is online and am happy. lol. and i've just realized something funny funny. ;))

ps. bryan,ilabyu. ;))

you say it best when you say nothing at all

i have nothing much to say :D

1. i miss bryan (hey, bryan! :D)
2. i'm finally updating my virus thing (as we blog)
3. me and joannie were yeheying to each other about that excellent movie ang pagdadalaga ni maximo olivares (yeheying right across the philippines) ... and about the moon too
4. me and duni have been chatting for a few nights now, nice :). am going to be a psychologist when i grow up and my sister is going to be an archaeologist, while my brother who is a pastor, will probably be a pastor with lots of fish :D on the side
5. the librarian was amused that i checked if they were closed yesterday, because my books were due yesterday.
6. i'm starting to write my case study :)
7. i've had a full week (fully sociable week hehe): i saw three movies, had a massage, went to a conference, went to a friend's party, went to an album launching. this is all strange, for me. :P i only do one sociable thing a month! (a lie)
8. i have just about paid all my bills (for this month).
9. we have broadband now but i keep getting kicked off it anyway.
10. in the book flow, psychology of engagement with everyday life, the author said people keep misinterpreting eastern teachings about letting go of goals and desires. such that they become lecherous instead, making any good buddhist's hair stand on end (hahaha this made me laugh). plus lots of buddhists don't have hair.
11. i'm gaining weight again, being too appreciative of food hahaha.
12. it's just that there's lots of people, and lots of love (i feel loved by you gfs and bfs, and fam), and that's why life is full.

certified cuties

this post is to certify that the following people are certified cuties, and specialized knowledge experts on two domains of information (tell you what in a minute). ;))

they are undoubted angels answering to the urgent call for help of crammer vv ;)).
here was my plea:

Dear Cuties,

I have an urgent request for which I am at the panic stage ;)) (assignment is due tom). I need a script on something I know next to nothing about which can be something that I have never done, an experience that I have yet to try, etc, etc. Then am supposed to look for three key informants who are familiar with the target event and therefore possess script knowledge of it.

So here I am, please share with me your script knowledge about:
(i had a plan a and a plan b for just in case i didn't get enough info about a or b, interchangeable btw)
a. how to get semi-secretly but legally married in the Philippines
b. how to take the ro-ro from metro manila to panay island

I am supposed to get you to share with me as complete an account of your knowledge of the event as possible, to include all the script components. Please find in the first box below a sample of a script and its components. Then in the second box, please fill in the script for (a or b).

Thank you so much, libre ko kayo kape. Hehehe!

without telling who answered which :D :P, the following can claim at least a cuppa, and my high-regard and affection:

1. My dad!!!!
2. HB who is very busy but takes the time for me anyway
3. the mother of Gabo another cute heart
4. cris carebear
5. buddha who answered despite his traumas
6. atty erap pa rin
7. old friend peanut :) (i was hazel, remember? lol
8. my other co-Cap ex colleague

THANKS AGAIN! :D

and so i did.

;)) we actually RAN out of the tequila party.

it's been so long since my last tequila party.

it makes me want to throw a tequila party on the occasion of my first anniversary at gleaming.

hmmmmm...

i should go out more often

;))

hahahaha.

i'm becoming somewhat a manul girl to gimiks.

******

it turned out to be a lovely Monday :)

cheers! :)

pa-kiss nga, mga kaibigan :D

*waves magic wand*

I find that I will always meet the thing that I need to know/ read/ write on my forehead for this moment's moment.

Such as Keri Smith's ENOUGH.

(Last week, I 'accidentally' picked up an entire journal issue on qualitative psych research in the library after randomly sitting at the journals room for the first time, just a few days after I thought I needed to find out more about quali research methods in psychology.

On Saturday, I said I will get to watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with the person I ought to see it with--maybe just myself--after having invited four people to watch it with me in the course of the last two weeks, and thought of asking four more, and made non-fixed plans with the Priestess to see it but we have a whole lineup of move to-do's and she already has been to Charlie though she did declare outright she'd watch it again with me :D. So thank you HB :D. And thank you dd.)

So today, this week, anything or some, or all, or none, any of it will be enough.

tucking my useless stalker self firmly under my armpit, i climb into bed

say you were really a beige, but then you were light pink. guess that means you went off-color.

it's been an off-color day. but that's just me. so here i am running around like a heedless headless chick-un on the net, bumping from blog to blog, friends of friends, friends of lovers, ... it is such a small world so if you really have something to hide, better not blog :)

but otherwise, the more the merrier :D

and see you all in the blog afterlife.

sleep.

and you find yourselves humming love songs again and again ;)

yup! you deserve it! you deserve this happiness. :)

me too. am happy for you. :)

rain's gone

i had a grand time :)

i walked a long way almost every day. me, my umbrella, deserted streets, a cloudy sky with a slight drizzle. (i was the cucumber and the rain was the vinegar, and together we made a yummy salad.)

or ice cream on a rainy day.

or noticing the darndest things: the tricycle driver singing a rock love song under his breath, driving me to meet gf in the rain, so we could walk to coffee.

i read lots of stuff.

it just got scary when it rained too hard.

the sixth ticket

willy wonka, i wuv you.

such perfect teeth. such bizarre humor. and the hair cream to lock in the moisture.

hihi.

nice boots too.

a song for my wet red sneakers :P

am on a rainy-days-songs spree. if we can be the best of lovers, yet be the best of friends...

7. HOW DO YOU KEEP THE MUSIC PLAYING?
Music by Michel Legrand
Lyrics by Alan Bergman and Marilyn Bergman

How do you keep the music playing?
How do you make it last?
How do you keep the song from fading too fast?
How do you lose yourself to someone
And never lose your way?
How do you not run out of new things to say?
And since you know we're always changing
How can it be the same?
And tell me how year after year
You're sure your heart will fall apart
Each time you hear his name?
I know the way I feel for you it's now or never
The more I love, the more that I'm afraid
That in your eyes I may not see forever, forever
If we can be the best of lovers
Yet be the best of friends
If we can try with every day to make it better as it grows
With any luck then I suppose
The music never ends
I know, the way I feel for you
It's now or never
The more I love, the more that I'm afraid
That in your eyes I may not see forever, forever
If we can be the best of lovers
Yet be the best of friends
If we can try with every day to make it better as it grows
With any luck then I suppose
The music never ends

a song for my un-pamunpon-ed clothes

the wind suddenly blew into my third floor classroom, bringing with it rain from the wall of glass windows.

texted the priestess to play an mp3 for me, and she did :)

walked down the deserted hallways, skipping puddles.

a kiss in the rain till the sun shines thru

bagay sa ulan di, ba? ;)

:)

;))

hala kupo ah.

allow me. wednesday teach said stay with your feelings.

i want to savor this happiness.

:)

"real isn't how you are made, it's a thing that happens to you when a child loves you for a long long time. then you become real." -from the v. rabbit

girlfriend: "naiinis ako dahil ..."(even though this and that and this)... "i will always try to make him feel even just a little better :-( :-( :-("

vv: true, gf :). (i mean i completely understand what you're saying)


* * * * * * * * *


One of my fears :P

From last night’s episode of ED:

Ed: But you slept with the mailman!
Liz: It wasn’t the mailman! It was a mailman! He just happened to be one.
…
Liz: And besides did you ever stop to consider why I slept with him? … (stands up to go, starts to leave)
Ed: (bolts up from his seat, and asks, impulsively) All right, why?
Liz: (stops and says quietly) Because I was lonely. For you.

I’m not sure I would sleep with the mailman (I’ve never seen the mailman, nor the bill delivery guys, particularly after the buzzer died hehehe) because I feel my fear of the permanent consequences would be greater than my loneliness. Even if in certain circumstances, maybe, the mailman would in fact be good for me.

But still, in the days when I project into the future (which you shouldn’t do when you’ve resolved to live by the power of now :P), I fear that in the rush of life and people and complications, intimacies that are fragile and strong at the same time, are taken for granted or swept aside or trampled upon. And my heart bleeds.

(Again, this is why one should live in the now, and appreciate what one has! Why go into despair over something that isn’t real? Hehehe!)

Just that that Ed-and-Liz situation is all too real. If you will remember the movie Milan, and the OFW couple-friend of Claudine who had respective spouses in the Philippines. Or Lost in Translation. I mean about loneliness. That you should also take care of those you love who love you, are they still ok? Are they lonely? Are you talking? Are you present and taking the time?

Maybe this is why I always understood my ... ;)

sofa snoozer

words of comfort for a deadline-haunted sofa snoozer: You're no slacker, so why are you giving yourself such a hard time about taking a little time off? If anything, it'll be better for you -- a break will bring you fresh inspiration and energy for your work.

the nines

today is exactly five months since march 9.

and i say, ye-ey, ye-ey, ye-ey.

the breathing exercises continue :) yoga rocks.

letyoube. letmebe. letyoube. letmebe. speaking words of wisdom, letusbe. :) a you're adorable, b am so beautiful ehehehe.

biogesic works

i like myself a lot.

i mean that in the full knowledge that i suck at some things, and am great at others. i mean that in the full recognition that though i grew up thinking i am ms. universe (lol), i am ms. me and that's enough.

i mean that on the occasions when i meet some fab person, and say, oh she's such a great person, i wish i were like her. and then i remember that after all, i am me, and i like myself a lot. and then i say, yes, she can be she, and i can be me, and perhaps we can get to know and like each other more.

and i mean that on meeting the uncertain in every day. and i give up and say, well uncertain, there's no way i can solve you or change you right now, so i'll just continue on being me, and see how you and i are ten minutes from now or tomorrow or next year.

and when i don't like myself, i know that i like myself enough to do the things that can make me fully like myself again.

*v*v*v*v*v

one of the things that upset me about my readings aside from their length and number (no, i don't really get upset about that), is when i read that blank is a predictor for blank. or that blank is not a predictor for blank.

such as personality is a predictor for marital happiness, or responsiveness is a predictor for growth-nurturing parenting is a predictor for nurturing, balanced personality (is a predictor for marital happiness, there you go :D).

because while i appreciate learning what works, and what's good, i get upset at the formulas this implies -- that we must be this and this and this to get this and this and this effect or become this and this and this.

because life is complicated, and i would rather know what can possibly be done today to make people feel better, and have hope, and grow and heal :) because few can fit into the formula, and even then, things can go wrong.

i get bothered by the defeatist and the defaulting. (although compulsive do-good-ing is not a good thing, as most compulsions cover up other troubles :D)

so i guess that's why i'm in this counseling course. i want to know what can be done with the way things are :)

*v*v*v*v*v

which is not to say that we need to be other people in order to be better people. as my wednesday teacher said, the greatest sin of psychology is to make people think they have to be better. that they have to constantly improve themselves.

when they are already all that they should be. when the thing to do is not to change or improve themselves but to heal.

like when joannie mentioned this quote from if the buddha dated. that it's not to change but to unmask one's self.

and i say, and to be healed.

love vv

there's no end to the length of quiet street i can walk under an umbrella on a slightly rainy day :)

walked all the way home. :)

the other day walked over and around and back, on campus :)had a fruit shake on a rainy day.

anyway. am going out for a short break. roommie is huddled in her cardi on the sofa saying she feels cold, eating dark chocolate squares.

when my girlfriend was in sweden, she wrote to tell me about beer and chocolate. they can make you warm.

roommie has the chocolate, i'll go for the one beer. :)

i feel the need for a little celebration. i spent my friday night, saturday morning and afternoon till 4 pm, ENTIRE SUNDAY, and Monday morning till 2:15 pm on this 15-page report, and finally i feel a little good. good work, vv. ;))

no matter that i have to come back to a 3-page report and what will probably be a 15-page research proposal. and two long blog posts brewing in my brain.

it's raining, and i made a new friend, and my shirt is mint-green and am taking time off for good behavior.

good mood required :D

eh ano naman ngayon
kung nakasimangot ako
sisimangot ka rin? ;))

two hypersensitive
hyperreactive people
in love and friendship ;))

halikan na lang at
hagkan muli.

sabi nga ng nanay ko
noong maliit pa ako
tama na yan ang yam-id mo
at kukumutin ko na yan
ang maganda mong mukha

hehehe!

(oh my poor mother and her sulky child :D oh my poor beloved you :D
group hug. hehehe. baliw ako ngayon promise)

we were beat

sitting a long spell in the deserted park on a sunny afternoon under a green checkered umbrella to keep us and our precious bench dry from the steady drizzle.

a motorcycle whizzed by -- two men in glasses and jackets and the one behind the driver reading a book on a motorcycle in the sunny rain.

i hate it. two people much weirder than we.

;))

:|

Life, so depressing. Unless you remember to live in the moment (and thank God I can always seem to rely on living in the Silence within me. It goes on and on, It just is.)

Plus, I have made my best cup of coffee in a long while.

Mmmmmm.

wasnotwastoowas

iwasstrange, you said and
when you left, i agreed
iwasstrange, i felt
and this is what i came up with

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

on the other hand,
maybe that wasn't so heart-full,
therefore less honest,
and not the real me.

:D (the one that would have knocked down walls just to get what i wanted even if i had torn it to pieces in all the ruckus)


psyching one's self against disappointment
isn't all good, isn't
living from the soul allowing for the
heart to hang out there and be hurt?

:(

but on the other hand,
that, too, was this, that
my love allows: to let you.
:) i guess this means it's both

:P (the one who's batting much better, thank you)

no way if i can help it

hehe (rueful).

i have finally gotten tired of beating myself up over some things and can actually take myself in hand and say, stop it.

and the only reason i can do that really is because i know it. i've decided. some things i don't want to happen anymore if i can help it.

so i do.

and i can think of one other thing i also decided a long time ago that won't happen again if i can help it.

and i probably always can.

and i hope i get to helping it, really, on many more things.

scopes

the other day, there were two dogs on the street who appeared to have missed/sumalangay/miscommunicated with each other, and so they failed to meet up (like that song: you go your way, i go mine, sometimes we disagree/ this foolish pride hurts us inside/ why not meet me halfway ....Seven Up).

i said, "mercury retrograde."

bryan protested, "that's over the top! dogs don't have horoscopes!"

but since i am not a dog ... (i am a pig! i am a pig! :D) ... i have several. and two of today's are story ideas for soap operas.

1) You might find that you are making better connections with men at this time, V. It would behoove you to reconnect with men who you may have lost touch with. The male energy can bring an entirely different perspective to the table. Respect and honor this viewpoint, but at the same time, don't let go of your strength as a woman. The feminine energy is quite powerful and should not be overshadowed by the energy of a man.

Go peks hehehe :P

2) In the life of any couple, there are easy days, and then there are days
that are a little bit tougher. Today might be tougher. Good thing you
two are like Rocky I and Rocky II. No worries.

NO WAY. We're not Sly Stallone!

I am a pig! I am a pig! :D
I love a dog ;)

the things that i get and don't get

looked up yesterday in wilkipedia, the free encyclopedia (the things i don't get):

1. a priori
2. hermeneutics
3. teleology

the things i get:
1. 1,000 years of friendship
2. 48 years (hehe. ex. 48 years to connect to the internet)

isn't it true though? 48 years is such a far cry from 1,000 years :D it's but right.

yehey

;))

familia F

in my psychology of family relations class, we took up the systems theory. essentially, it looks at the family as a system made up of different parts or sub-systems, and functioning as a whole. there are all sorts of subsystems like the spousal pair, or the children together, or this parent and that child, or this parent and two children, etc. you have to consider all the parts or the members of the family in the light of the entire family system. always the part in light of the whole for the whole is greater than the parts.

also, any stresses or changes affects the system as a whole, affects its equilibrium. when the system is upset (thru normal family transitions like births, deaths, children going to school, etc), the equilibrium is disturbed. however, the system will always seek to find its new equilibrium.

last week, i realized the perfect example of the family as a system, and i don't mean my gang of t's and g's. rather, i mean the f's :D. there was this parangal ek for the ex-officers of my ex-office/ organization. let's call my colleagues, cohorts, comrades and co-witches at my ex-org, the F's. at the beginning of the night, i felt a bit sad that no one among the F's dared speak/ give a testimonial about our mother F. i mean more than anyone else (people from the F board and the F network), it would be testimonials from the F family members that would mean the most or would hold the most truth. but no one would.

i myself wanted to but did not want to. hehehe. i only wanted to speak if ten other family members also spoke in turn. this because i didn't want to humiliate myself (wahehehe), and also because i felt i could only give a small part of the entire picture, and the best would be if all the other parts of the puzzle showed themselves too so i would be "in context" and the picture would be "fair." i also did not feel like i could represent the others or speak for them, i could only share of myself and my experience, and my lessons and my growth :).

luckily for everyone, and easing the potential heartbreak of it all, co-host for the night joannie took up the challenge, gathered her emotions together, and spoke up, for herself, and really, for the staff, the F's. oh chester, thank you :) you couldn't have said it better, i think. thank you for saying no one wanted to speak up because it didn't seem like the right venue for it (somehow, the matter of sg F seemed too intimate and too private to us all, needing a more appropriate--safer-- space and venue). and also for explaining the family metaphor, you gave the overall picture of what we are, who we were together, for so many many years.

indeed we were a family in our complexity, and in our chaos. in our fun, in our pain. and the inescapable fact of mother f. it seems somehow, in retrospect, that she defined that world for us, taught us how to perceive it, how to analyze it, how to live in it, how to strategize, how to tacticize. we knew the world thru her, like how newborn babies conceive of the world thru their primary caregiver.

there was also no getting around her. she was our friend and our boss, the enemy and the beloved parent combined. we liked her and loved her, we were in awe of her, and often disliked her intensely. often, she was helpful, was also loving, also neglectful, and a challenge to relate to. but she was ever-present even in her absence.

we all related to her in various ways, and like a family we existed in various sub-systems, including our respective sub-systems with her.

and the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. and it seems an injustice to take on the whole from simply the perspective of a part or several parts. our experience and our life together was one entire reality, that only those of us who were really there could really understand.

and so here we are at the parties, and other events, catching up with that family, and those parts of our selves.

the best of mercury retrograde

in memory of our
BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZer

it's gone!
WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

big eyes big eyes big eyes

because i am actually very fond of my cousin richard with whom i got on a bicycle with my brother when i was a kid, and we immediately keeled over, and them two toppled on me and my left elbow was dislocated.

because he persists in forwarding me stuff and i rarely answer and when i called him to ask for ceres bus info last summer, he asked if i misdialled and we laughed.

because i miss our little oyster-trips in his pickup many vacations ago, just the three of us.

and because i'm presently fighting paranoia.

here's an email from rick:

Did you know ???


Did you know that when you envy someone, it's because you really like that person?

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart, are real weak and most succeptible?

Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need some one to protect them?

Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are: I love you, Sorry and help me

The people who say these are actually in need of them or really feel them, and are the ones you really need to treasure, because they have said them.

Did you know that people who occupy themselves by keeping others company or helping others are the ones that actually need your company and help?

Did you know that those who dress in red are more confident in themselves?

Did you know that those who dress in yellow are those that enjoy their beauty?

Did you know that those who dress in black, are those who want to be unnoticed and need your help and understanding?

Did you know that when you help someone, the help is returned in two folds?

Did you know that those who need more of you are those that don't mention it to you?

Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying it to someone in the face? But did you know that it has more value when you say it to their face?

Did you know that what is most difficult for you to say or do is much more valuable than anything that is valuable that you can buy with money?

Did you know that if you ask for something in faith, your wishes are granted?

************************************************************
right, let me end there.

happy birthday mr. padilla. ;))

casting iron

melt my fright in the warmth of your affection.

melt your anger in the fire of my love.

missed encounters, malling, and sandalang house movie

"Balikan mo na. Ikaw lang mahihirapan niyan."

And with those emphatic words of advice, said for the nth time, we paid our fare, slammed the cab doors shut, entered the gate and burst into peals of laughter.

"Naluyag ka lang gid pro."
"Sa Tuesday pa ya kuno?! Kadugay pa sang Tuesday! Mercury retrograde gyapon sa Tuesday!"

Yes, it will still be Mercury retrograde on Tuesday, and every day of our lives until August 15, and if you haven't noticed it already, every day is miscommunication and missed-encounter day. :)

Which means, be patient. And try and try again until you succeed. It's not your fault, it's the stars ;))))! And your only obligation is to hold on to your temper, and try once more.

It was immediately clear when we got into the cab at the mall that the young driver was in a foul mood. He muttered something about his "sundo" not showing up, about making him wait, etc etc. I admonished him to keep his cool and drive safely because we were going by EDSA, and to me EDSA is the second worst place on earth, second only to the Quezon City Circle.

Then Priestess and I started making daldal, and didn't mind the driver who kept complaining until he got a call on his cellphone. It became more interesting to eavesdrop. "Sabi mo 6:30," he exclaimed angrily. "Overtime, overtime. Bumiyahe na ako, nag miss call na nga ako sa 'yo."

A little too much emotion involved for a standard taxi pick-up.

"Ano, maaantay mo ba ako? Nasa Cubao pa ako? ..."

Ahh. Suddenly it all clicked into place. "Love pala," Priestess and I wiggled our eyebrows meaningfully. Only love can get you so unearthly upset like that. He must have been sitting there in his cab, waiting with impatience, love and anxiety that something was happening that would put humiliate his love. Love, really.

"Ayaw magpasundo pag wala akong duty. Tapos kung may duty ako, magpapa-sundo. Distorbo pa sa biyahe," he whined. He called "sundo" on his cell again -- worrisome, we were making a turn-- and said, "Ano, malayo pa ako. Sa Tuesday na lang!"

That was when we jumped in. "Puntahan mo na!"

Yes, just do it. Nothing will change from today until Tuesday in terms of missed connections. You might as well try again instead of seething till Tuesday :).

WE sure hope he drove like hell back to behind-the-mall :D.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Ah, the mall. I have missed the mall routine, the relaxing one, not the frantic mall routine or the over-commercialized mall routine. The one where you catch a good movie, walk a bit and admire the sales, try on a pair of shoes, not buy anything, drop by the good bookstore, get a good meal, drop by the booksale, stroll and buy a pretzel, and catch a ride home quickly with a lovelorn driver. Lol. And still have enough energy to try and figure out how to print pdf documents in colored print because your black cartridge has run out.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Linti na langgam! Linti na lipstick!
(the case of ants in the pants, and the missing imported lipstuk)

Enjoyed Sandalang Bahay. Catch it somewhere, sometime.

so sue me

so what if i'm the psychotic girl friend from hell.
no really.
so what?

shouldn't it be as easy as
so what if i'm wearing pink.
so what?

and besides, i exaggerate.
i am not always the psychotic gf from hell.
(i only wear pink every other day)

great things can come in strange packages.

and sometimes,
when i am tired,
i just wanna be the psychotic gf from hell. :D

without anyone having to be the worse or the wiser.

roll eyes here

ex-officemate, long-missing friend ayingging used to tell me about her teammate at another job. ayingging said that in the course of being friends and working together, A learned that teammate i-forgot-her-name (but that's me :D, i forget everything except grudges hehehehe!) preferred a few minutes of peace and hellos as soon as she walked in the office door. she'd get a bit irritated if you jumped on her about work asap, wanted some time to slip into work mode.

isn't love like that? it's knowing the particulars. :) like being soothing and making you feel special after a long period of absence.

love, too particular. (*roll eyes here*)

*************************************

would you agree with this man?

or this woman?

GOOD NIGHT

idK

oh.
i don't know :)
i don't know if in a few hours, the sun will rise in the East.
i don't know why Ovaltine wants me to attend an 8 am meeting when our non-existent contract is ending on Sunday.
i-don't-know happens now and then :)
my sister, too, is in i don't know. and wonders why. and dares ask me who,
"too don't know" :)
let's sit down and hold hands
with i-don't-know
oooh.

vexations

i just got talked down by this bank teller. i was so surprised, i just got red in the face, muttered "suplada" and flounced off. i want to clobber myself now for having missed the chance to tell her not to treat people like they are *really dumb*. it shouldn't matter that i probably looked harassed with gulo-gulo hair and was just wearing a tee shirt.

aaaaargh. i think part of the problem is that the teller assumed "iniisahan ko siya" when i wasn't aware of the rule she was pointing out. i was just in a rush, that's all, and in a hurry to get out and go back to my paper.

i think this happens to a lot of people, including me. we assume "iniisahan tayo" and try to get back. ... but patronizing people are a pet peeve of mine.

so anyway, back at the house, the water gallon has again fallen off the counter, and the kitchen is in centimeter-deep water. what fun.

let me have more of this strawberry yogurt ice cream. ... ?!?! did any of you notice a pint of ice cream now costs over a hundred bucks?????

at the rate am going, i won't be surprised if my cellphone is cut off today. i don't have time to pay today. so let that be an advance warning. call me if you need me :D

ampay

there's this cebuano concept "ampay," that is, if i got it right from my linguistically-schizo family. :P

it's when you're in your bliss doing what you do best or having what you like best, and you just can't get enough. ampay jud. if you're sitting back, scratching your stomach in satisfaction, you could have just come from your ampay. or maybe, you're having your stomach scratched by your loved one, that's ampay too.

i'm doing a short piece analyzing the results of this study on Filipino marriage dissolution, from the perspective of the Vulnerability-Stress-Adaptation Model of Marriage (Karney and Bradbury, 1995).

wahahaha, it is so so so ampay.

stocknowledged

the things one needs to know around here.

popped round from the kitchen, on my way up the stairs, stopped in my tracks by...

ate v (cleaning/ watching tv in the sala) calling out: v, if we have charter change, does that mean there will be martial law?

v (stunned): uh, maybe not.

need the bathroom.

here's to a song of glee

admit it ;))

if you were alive and able to see movies in 1983-1984, this song has magic:

Heres to the old times and the best of new ones
Heres to a song of glee
Finding our way from illusions to realities
Hoping to wake up from this madness
Hoping to see you smile ( ;) )
Pushing our way to the limit of yours and mine

Im growing up, getting down
Putting my both feet on the ground
With all my friends behind me
How can I go wrong this time?
Im growing up, getting down
Think of reality came around
Not just waiting for the daybreak
Expecting the sun to shine
It doesn't shine all the time

am on friendship thoughts this lunch hour because:
1. HB prevailing upon me to make peace with nemesis because she loves nemesis na and nemesis was so nice to me at lunchtime (proof: she said i lost weight ;)) )
2. because dd is also friends with a friend of mine ;)) hahahaha private joke. ... we're back in comfy mode.
3. i wish i could miss class to watch dear friends dress up, dance and sing (and look funny and laugh at themselves hehehe!) "sumayaw, ..." at the parangal ek
4. and because life is good :)

forgiveness

Sometimes I look back and think about past kagulohan, and tsk tsk to myself, and get amazed at how I and others I'm with ever got past those kagulohan. Or sometimes when I think about how much I've changed in some ways, I think about how I was before this and I wonder if I could ever have gotten here if I hadn't been where I was.

And when I do that, I try my best to forgive my past self, the one who understood less, knew less, was more uncertain, had a lot of fears. I forgive my past self who was me at another time, and I forgive myself now for having been that self. I wouldn't be at my better place if I hadn't come from where I come from, if I hadn't been who I was.

I try to do myself this favor regularly. Not because I want to excuse my shortcomings but because I want to give myself credit for wanting to be a better person all the time.

And this takes place every day. :)

winning status message

Boardmember Bans' status message on his yahoo messenger today:

Mahal mo ba ako dahil kailangan mo ako, o kailangan mo ako dahil mahal mo ako?

Hehehe! Ang bongga!

Visit Runes Cafe
Tomas Morato Ave.,
across Chili's

two emails

the one that made me laugh

V!

I'm now off to Maine, the other northern(n) corner of the
US. I should perhaps visit Florida and Souther(n)
California. Then I can claim to have visited the four
corners of the continental US this year. All of my
vacation plans with friends fell in the month of July
this year. Soon I will need a vacation from vacations
:)

I'll try to take more enticing food pictures for you.
I don't take pictures of people because they aren't
edible...unless you are a cannibal :P
I will also try to find more phallic symbols to
entertain you :D

-- from a good friend who's just come back from a vacation in Seattle where it appears from his pictures that only ten people populate that uber cool place, plus this very tall tower they call the Space Needle. hehehe!

FRESHLY ADDED: Pics in question from and by FWI

The Space Needle and FWI's very own


YUM-looking Crabpot Boil :(


FWI Self-portraits
My friend, the First World Imperialist. Thanks for the loan of the pictures! :D


Discover Beach
One of my favorites.

yellow yellow pink!

Image202.jpg
Originally uploaded by Pansy.

it's been some time since the two sisters and i gathered round the flaming cauldron, and exchanged souls... err, witticisms ;) ...err, wisdom :D

apparently, the Universe, in Her all-knowingness, so too noticed. and was only too eager for the exchange of spells to occur, She had to close down two swimming pools to make it happen.

just do it, She said, setting down Knights of Columbus at our own private pool complete with Ramon; and even messed up the usual Plan B, with big Pool Closed signs.

so sit and sip and chew and talk and chuckle did we. even though we had to put on bikinis to do so (maybe next time it won't be necessary!), and lug around all our gear, and spend a fortune on taxi rides.

plus precious to us three is that nobody else quite knows just how much we've all three been thru together. like, really. like really x one million :P

(because at one point, someone had to go to NYC and chat to us from there! :D)

so we got and appreciated the set up, and settled ourselves against each other on a Saturday morning, funky fun footwear and all.

not quite there yet

still negotiating a u-turn.

spent years denigrating, no critiquing with an intelligent eye, the scientific method :D

the reductionism. to pare down the complexity of life to a few variables and a few arrows, and live to tell the tale? make conclusions, recommendations and predictions even :)

to tend to hold invalid one person's in-depth subjective world :D, for reasons of non-replication and non-validation

to generalize to one and all even when women often clearly have a different experience

to develop technology that extracts but fails to give back.

understand, these were my most important readings in women and development. i did reports on the above, and chewed these ideas.

now, i am somewhere that values application of scientific principles to human life. in fact, if you can't do it, you're stuck.

aahh, i am somewhat lost but finding my way.

flailing arms, and all that.

expanding the repertoire

speak softly but carry a big stick

hehe! my 30-second speech that left the class speechless made me pause for thought :D. my certainties make them lose their tongues, so i must regroup my various selves for a powwow.

apparently, i've imbibed this culture/ practice that when certain opinions/ events/ positions come up that are contestable, suspicious or seedy :D, one must speak up to point out :D. one can't let things just pass without comment, can one?

but i don't wanna be the official feminist police, i think! even in the face of remarks like, Filipino women being so caring and nurturing that they rush home to care for kids and household needs even when they are so busy at work is like, our cultural advantage. we're good for it.

hello?! yeah, but have you ever truly taken a good look at the faces of working mothers? can't you see they are so often stressed and worn out with no time for themselves? did you ask how it is being the heroines for such a cultural advantage? :D nowadays it's called the multiple burden, burdens being heavy difficult things, and multiple meaning many heavy difficult things.

or the one about, but aren't women secretly the real power in the family because they know ways to manipulate the men so things can go their way. hello?! if power and resources were already equally shared, then women wouldn't be forced into such a life-enhancing skill as learning to manipulate :D i mean am sure, they'd have lots of other things they could do with the time and energy that would be freed if they didn't have to manipulate. and instead were freely encouraged and enabled to make suggestions and decisions openly, without fear of reprise and reprimand.

so you get what i mean, if that makes you speechless yourself :P

i must learn to provoke thought and discussion, and not just set off the bombs, leaving merely, debris.

hehehe.

are, too

listened intently to alfredo who was in a state over one of the cinemalaya movies. :) won't elaborate, it's his story to tell. however, want to pick up one of his ideas on what is really a movie that's, well, cinemalaya.

he said, the movie that he liked presented "gender concepts" (for lack of a handy term) as givens. the movie showed liberating ideas of personhood, sexuality, humanity, love. in that movie that he liked, as opposed to the movie he objected to, these were, as he said, given.

in the business of advocacy, ... no, scratch that. in the process of creating a better world where more people can breathe better because they can be, it makes a bigger impact when things "are". at least in the way that alternatives are presented. here're our dreams: they already are.

at least that's what i've observed too in the countless trainings on gender-sensitivity and awareness that i have been in. instead of hemming and hawing over potentially controversial ideas (being apologist about it, in a way), a good trainor will forge right ahead and present these as givens. if you're matter of fact and confident, participants will intuit your conviction and sincerity, and take notice. better yet, if you can show (again, matter of factly, as givens) rather than say. if they find the ideas appeal to them, they will mull it over or ask for elaborations and clarifications. in any event, these will stick in their minds, and grow. "aha, puwede pala ganun?"

learned this the long way, you could say. when i was just beginning to facilitate trainings, i agonized about how to show and convince participants that feminism isn't a bad word. but now i go right ahead and say feminist out loud.

contradictory energies

today the sun moves into leo which brings fire -- passion, excitement and go go go energy into our lives.

however, mercury starts to move backward in the sky which means communication breakdowns, a universe-imposted time to review and reflect on your decisions

plus venus moves into virgo which makes it imperative to be particular about those we love.

dig that?

never go home at 11 pm

If Only: The Terror Model to Teaching Appreciation

a list to check if you ought to watch If Only:

1. Do you prefer the straightforward scary approach to learning as opposed to the nurturing subtle approach?

2. Do you have a fear of death?

3. Are you fond of suspense-thrillers and horror movies?

4. Do you think Robert Downey Jr. should be taller?

5. Do you prefer a slap in your face rather than a softer play on your heart, or the tickling of your mind?

Hehehe! I sound too harsh.

The movie's message IS sound. :) Appreciate what you have. Love her/ him/ her/ him (that which floats your boat).

It's just that it really goes out of its way to SHOW you. Hehehehe. Very literal. In your face.

But my, that Paul Nicholls is a cutie.

p.s. gf, thanks. twas fun!

good morning

our early (a very subjective concept) dance:

roommie washing dishes
rice is cooking
i move around her, making coffee

and i can't help myself
i poke her in the side

wahehe!

she jerks, "oist!" and splashes
some water my way
the floor
aargh.

i move to the other side, and
get the canister
i want to poke her other side too.

i resist.

"i'm so good.
i resisted to
itik you."

"yes," she said, "restrain yourself."

i know.

;))

Can I?

I wonder, can I write? I thought of this out of the blue, and asked DD if she thought I could write something worth reading, and write it well. She asked if I had any more silly questions, VV :D.

But seriously. :D

I can put words together, that I have always known from childhood. I could always pass all of my schoolpaper exams, and I loved to read and knew many words.

I took up Journalism in college, not out of an overwhelming desire to be a journalist, but it seemed like, from a long list of the unknown, it was something that I knew I could at least do. I really didn't learn too much in my major college courses, as friends and I from the same college would joke. They didn't either. I guess writing or journalism anyway, is not something that you really really need to study for years to be able to do, and do well. It can help, but it's also really up to you.

I liked college for the perspective it gave me on many things, and not for the journalism courses I needed to pass.

In fact, I often thought, I can put words together, but what shall I write about? My content became my overriding concern, and it amused me once when I hazarded to take the university paper exam, and I knew absolutely next to nothing about the issues they asked applicants to write about. Not surprisingly, I didn't pass.

So I thought leave the writing to those who know a lot, who know more than I do. I will set about trying to know more.

But in fact, I started to earn my living writing. Writing feature stories for a Sunday magazine. It started out ok, but I grew bored with charities and the like. Or perhaps I did not really have the patience to apply myself and improve my craft, without falling asleep in the process.

Then too I fell in love with women and development, and left the magazine. Then I got into my next job which was not primarily writing, but involved that too. My boss could always count on me to write my part in the stories, err reports and proposals, we were weaving together.

Still and all, there were others who could write so much better than I could. A dear older friend would take my draft and fly away with it, till it became a beautiful piece of work no one could argue with. Her words can take your breath away. We have always urged her to write her novels.

Plus the fact that I can't write in Filipino. It frustrated me that I can't write in Filipino when there is so much that can be done if only one could.

Then I came upon this blog. You can say this blog has saved me from myself. :D I can write at will about anything in the world, and sometimes be read, and sometimes not, and it's just about me and my little world. I can be utterly careless with my grammar, whether I capitalize or not. As I said, a way to soothe myself.

There are days that are so much easier for my blogging. On days like this I would blog before I would work, because it seems like I can't work unless I get some stuff out of my system.

But then again, this isn't really writing. I wonder still if I can. And I will never know I guess unless I do.

Advice

I am lying in the middle of bed, horizontally, legs crossed in the air, wondering if dare i suggest that you read Should You Leave?

Might it not be the last thing I ought to do, to suggest so directly, and thus, destroy in one fell swoop any chances that you would do so?

I myself am in the middle of many dilemmas, to read further and further, ignoring my need to get my pink pen and mark the passages that move me or make me think or make me laugh? Or why not stop and ponder these passages more in the silence of my room in the middle of bed, in the middle of fever breaking?

If I left the book lying around somewhere you might find it, would you pick it up and read one of my smileys or two, or find for yourself, bits of you and me and us together in the stories and the thoughts and the adventures of intimacy and autonomy? Or would you ignore such a pointed hint, knowing already that this is a book I am presently holding close to my chest?

Or maybe I have, in the course of being a weird girl who reads "self-helpy" books for fun, already made too many suggestions and recommendations, that you can't help but think, oh, this is another one of those, and one that can wait. It too, shall pass, like some of my enthusiasms? I understand that over-enthusiasm can be off-putting, and drive one to retreat, instead.

Or how about if i read to you or tell you some of the stuff in it that excited me, would that interest you too? And would some of the warm glow and expanded understanding that I have experienced, rub off too on you?

But maybe this book is really all about me, and I am the one who needs to read it. I should quit wanting to share all my I-likes with all my I-likes, them who are also preoccupied with all their They-Likes or They Like Not. (But what about the part where he, a guy, discusses and enthuses over what a feminist psychologist pointed out, that in modern society, too much is made of autonomy at the expense of the special skill in connection that women have? That couples will seek partners for their ability to be autonomous, and yet give no value for the special skill to connect? Was that not food for thought?)

(But don't let me give you the wrong idea here either. Kramer doesn't simply make the case for connection. Rather he even goes on at length about the need to stay yourself in groups, in interpersonal relations. Still, he tends to want to tell those who want to bolt their relationships because they can't stay, to stay and try it the other way; and those who can't leave because they want to connect, to leave.)

Maybe I can leave it to chance, knowing that the books we need to read will come upon us. After all, I was looking for Kramer because of his other book Listening to Prozac that is listed on my syllabus, but I ended up with Should You Leave? instead.

Maybe I should just blog.

updates: the life of me

am losing a job. i might be gaining one. (i don't know. i've changed. other "jobs" might be opening somewhere else where i might not only be useful but growing. shall i create them? hehehe!)

my relationship with "ovaltine" has progressed too quickly. first, we were making all these arrangements for our first date. but we ended up talking a lot but not eating anything (waaaaah). then so soon, we have already progressed to apologies. apologies for missing our second date. not only did it promise lack of food again, i am also sick. as i asked priestess, does she think we will make it?

maybe it's because of peter. third-party peter kramer has gotten in the way. i am crushing big time on peter who popped up over the weekend. i can't put him down.

or maybe because of alaxan. i've renewed my relationship with alaxan. exercise snubbed me and gave me body pains, and fever. alaxan breaks my fever quite quickly. or maybe it was the coffee.

Just messing around while the sky showers. Or is that roommie? She left me snuggled up on the half-couch with the fuschia whatchamacallit pulled up, with Peter and Cameron close to me (ahh Cameron. He's a bit old though.) She insists on showering.

What, already? And it's only Monday.

:P

going the extra lap

still and all, I have learned.

that there is always always always better timing at work in the world than i can ever hope to set up (hehe!) and i am glad to learn to make it work for me

that i can have endless patience, and then snap, and it needs keen observation to figure out the breaking moment. and the person responsible to make sure that that moment is known to myself, or is intercepted (before the world explodes)... is me (hehehe).

that after all, all that we need ever ask of ourselves, and our intimates, is mindfulness. that we are are aware and are mindful of where we are and what we are doing. to be our mind's little person, so to speak, observing what we are thinking and feeling. and we can only hope that our loved ones also be mindful of us, and us of them.

that i do want to grow :D. and that you can always stick with the people who want to grow too.

swimmingly

i wonder why we hardly ever get to spend our weekends or bits of our weekends together. well, we do, sort of.

i would like to :). weekends are my specialty. i love weekends, love that the sun can shine or it can rain, and you can be (deadlines and other anxieties be damned). i love that time can stretch interminably or shorten quickly like multi-colored rubber bands. that there are chunks of time, and loads of ways to hang out, like pulling each other's hair, eating food in all sorts of unhealthy combinations, getting some fresh air, catching movies, walking. walking, walking, walking. there are places with less cars and less smoke on a weekend.

or reading. reading, reading, reading. it's not even that i don't get to enjoy my weekends because i do. weekends just are.

but hardly a weekend goes by when i don't wonder at some point, why there's a weekend, and there isn't you in it. (awww. sad.)

;)

going back to one of JT's

while i tend to keep my friends, my books and even my clothes that don't fit me anymore (lol), i tend to get really sick of songs i really really liked for a loooooong time. after college, there was a time when we were really into carole king, carly simon and james taylor (yes i was at his concert at the folk arts theater, and yes, nobody does it better, makes me feel sad for the rest... where you lead, i will follow ... up on the roof ;))

but blame it on the music compilation at the spa we go to. it brought back this song (seriously that compilation could drive you to weeping if you were having a massage and feeling heartbroken):

If I present it to you with a flower in the moonlight, shiny and new,
well, you couldn't say no tonight, if I keep my heart out of sight.

thanks dd for the taytol.

Ghost in the Footspa Machine

Ghost in the Footspa Machine
Originally uploaded by Pansy.

whoooops!

ouch.

that hurt.

(always taking things in the spirit in which they were not intended. hehehe.)

The Thursday Scene

So we're in our moody-looking sala (read: with soft lighting because the fluorescent light refuses to turn on), watching/listening to tv (roommie is watching while am transfixed by my email that i resisted the entire day in order to finish my readings and my succinct one-page paper, goodie ;) ), having coffee, and getting ready to know more about marriage.

Isn't that cute? Two single women in their thirties on a Thursday night about to venture into marriage :D. It's so cute I want to say it again. Yes, we're going to learn all about marriage! Hehehe!

Technically, I am since it's my class. But as everyone within sitting distance knows, they also get to know what I manage to know in them classes.

So, I am not learning about marriage in order to get married ;) but because when one studies family and family relations, marriage is part of it.

Ah, but even without them readings, you'd be surprised. I know some things. Lol!

I used to say I could never counsel two sides of an "issue" or rather two persons involved in a situation. Too difficult! But maybe I meant, not with friends anyway.

But sometimes these days, I wonder if I would be any good at couples counseling. Would I kick the man out on the butt ;)? Hehe. But sometimes I think I could do it.

I'm sure I'll find out one of these days.

Sun Conjunct Venus

WAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA.

WALA. ;))

Ganyan lang talaga ako.

Humahalakhak mag-isa.

Wahahahahaha.

Sun Conjunct Venus makes me so happy.
;))

wadever wadever. :P

an introvert's high school memory ;))

when i was a high school little girl (as opposed to being a 30+ little girl), my gf and i loved the movie SOONER OR LATER, starring Rex Smith (yeah, that curly haired thingie hehehe) and of course, Jessie :) (i don't know the teen actress' name :) ).

and that movie was actually based on a book. and the book actually had a sequel WAITING GAMES. my gf and i then, we were huge fans of these books, and that movie, and this song.

Stars that glisten
Lips for kissin'
Honey, listen
It's true
No one ever
Loved ya better
Love ya honey
I love you

love pie

but but but ....

but isn't it that way naman talaga?

life and loving can be, and are, too, scary, and heavy, and all that.
it's true.

it's also true that it can also get warm, and cozy, and funny, and fun, and fuzzy, and sexy, and all that.
that's true too.

but it's only pie when you make the filling with the crust, and put whipped cream on top. it's not pie when you just have the fluff without the substance (the mango bits!).

baking can be hot work.
(but what do i really know, our oven is still "virgin" hehehe)

pie for two. to go.

but anyway.

back to that salad. ;))

company

the times that i miss birthday girl the most is when i long for company i won't need to speak to :) ... when we don't have to say anything to each other (when there is nothing urgent that needs to be shared) but we want the pleasure of each other's presence ... usually while reading ... in case any of you were wondering if we were just staring into space hehehe! ... and because lately i've been wanting, and having to read a lot, and sometimes want company other than mine, but can't speak while reading ... gf, i think of you a lot (hehehehe!)

this dynamic comes up a lot too with bf, this not needing to speak in the company of :), but maybe sometimes too much. with little time together, i worry and compensate for all the other-me's that aren't in the moment but wanted to share in their particular moment already past, and stuff the moment too full ;)). because i liked those other-me's too (lol) but they already got up and left the table, and went somewhere else, and i worry that they left no forwarding address.

i worry too much, little fussbody me. :)

day off

at the start of the week, i left town (lol, not too far) with 20 friends/ sorta officemates, in high spirits.

:D

i missed them :D
i missed being in a large group of people whom you know and who know you :D
i missed having to be somewhere at 8 am or else i would be left behind, and i enjoyed harassing all my seatmates at the meeting place, in the van, at the conference room :D

i spent most of the day in the meeting on Fiolo laftaf, putting together some reports needed during the meeting. i enjoyed it :D. i missed having to do something that would be useful to many, and not just to me.

i enjoyed the meals together.
i enjoyed flirting with them, boys and girls alike, and i enjoyed whispering/ writing notes, analyzing, while the meeting was ongoing.
oh, i also enjoyed taking note of the differences in process and participation, between regimes :D

still, long after my enjoyment had run its course, and the day had technically ended and a new day begun, they were still meeting! under the rain.

lol. that part, i didn't long for. and by that time, i was panicking about wanting to go home, and having to read :P

isang tagay ;)

ay nakadaan ka na.

happy birthday tita eds ;)! nawa'y nakakasuot ka na naman ng mini-skirt diyan sa iyong Alemanya. nawa'y magaling ka na mag-German, at sana makamit mo ang iyong mga inaasam-asam. :)

am tired of titles :D

you know when the "missing-moment" fills you?

popped up online, after dialing THAT prepaid isp one million times. to see if he's online.

he's not.

;))

i love psychology+

YES, it's true. I LOVE psychology.

I find all my classes interesting. I look forward to reading my readings. The discussions always make me want to go off and read further on spin-off topics. I borrow related books from the library and surf the net for more information and articles by the theorists. I wonder how the various concepts can be used and are being used in therapy, I am fascinated by the real-life therapy stories told by teachers. I want to get to know my teachers, find out how they got to be who they are (hehehe). I even take note of how they teach their classes, for in case I get to teach the same classes in the future.

I also love going on a psychological-labeling spree (pinning psycho-pathologies on each other and pointing out psych processes that we come across in daily life) with roommie, another psych major, and one of my alleged role models (hehehe!). Indeed, it becomes a daily case of a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

To be honest though, I am not yet a good student. With the load that I have, I do have to read everyday. But my absorption is still slow, sometimes I need to reread the readings to internalize them. Plus I am still learning the language and the concepts so am not yet very articulate. You know when you are starting to understand but can't say? Also, my concentration is shot when I get upset over my life. But I do have to push myself to speak out more in classes -- to maximize this moment, so to speak (and my tuition hehehe). I can't help but speak out only on those occasions when people say something i totally disagree with. Then, I get all red in the face and sputter my protest (hehehe!). I do want to experience my classes fully as this semester won't happen again :). I want to be in this now.

Still and all, it's grand. (A far cry from forcing myself to get curious about economics, hehehe. If I tried really really hard, I could get a spark. But nothing like this.)

So there. I just wanted to say. Now I have to go catch my thoughts for my thought paper due later. They're still at large. And I'm getting alarmed.

:) +

Today’s a funny day. My Wednesday teacher was hilarious in acting out her examples to the various concepts that make up the object relations approach to personality. Like mirroring. She said with the “mirroring” concept, she understood how it is that couples in love can spend hours just staring at each other without talking. It’s just like staring at yourself in the mirror. It can be terribly fascinating. For isn’t it that when you’re in love, you’re mirrored: “Here at last, is someone who sees me! And thinks my rabbit teeth are great!”

Anyway, it was interesting finding out about object relations – about how babies start to find/ lose security/ love/ warmth in their first objects (usually the mother’s breast) and how their reaction to this can start off emotional patterns that they can take to adulthood if unresolved. I kid you not, it’s not some far out sci-fi fantasy, it can actually all sound very possible. So much so that now I want to study more about this approach, and go into therapy myself (hehehehehe). Just to get clarified on some of my more destructive emotional habits :D Or maybe I really just want to talk some more about this stuff with a practicing therapist.

Especially after yesterday.

I was sat in class yesterday in depressed mode as I had been the entire morning, precisely wondering about my emotional dilemmas, and wondering what should be the lesson for me in this current impasse. It was such a repetitive and real situation, and tiring too, that it’s quite clear as day that I have to learn something from this. So I was sat there, half-listening to my Tuesday teacher, not meeting anyone’s eyes and thinking if there was something really wrong with how I was feeling about this certain emotional issue, and half-thinking that I should really go and talk to someone about it, just to get a perspective. (It gets tiring analyzing yourself, and putting it aside doesn't always work.)

So anyway, so many of the things that unknowing Tuesday teacher said spoke to me as I was sat there, facing him by the aisle at the very end of the room. We have been discussing the various stages of personality development, and have just gone past the part where it says daughters develop fascination for their dads, and sons get more attached to mothers. And Tuesday teacher was saying that a parent’s “abandonment” often has many traumatic effects on children, especially a dad’s leaving on daughters. I put abandonment in quotes because we’re not talking here about parental fault, but certain circumstances, and how a child chooses to react to these, and how sometimes this reaction carries over till adulthood as an emotional habit, or schema.

After the lecture, as has been our routine, teacher set aside some time for meditation. And this session he had us go back to the time when we were six. Immediately I was in the house that I grew up in when I six, I could not see myself but I could see inside the house with “my” eyes, as a six-year old. I was going around the house kitchen to dining to sala, back porch to aratilis tree to laundry area and some of the scenes from those times flashed thru my mind. One of this was of me sitting on my dad’s thigh, as kids will. At this point, I started getting weepy so in the middle of meditating, I kept wiping my eyes with my fingers (how embarrassing was this, right, in a semi-public situation), but as what happens when you start to cry, you can’t just stop. Especially when the scene became my mom and I listening to voice tapes from my dad when he spent six months in Japan around that time. And I remembered he used to send letters addressed to me when he was away then. Oh dear. I had to reach over into my bag for my pack of tissues for by this time I was crying complete with sipon.

Of course, Tuesday teacher NOTICED me by this time. He came over to me, and said, just go with it. And “you’re a good girl, you’re a good girl.” He ended the session by saying for everyone to look to him and smile.

Smile. It was a good experience despite the crying jag. I realized I have “abandonment” issues (nobody’s fault, ok these things happen) and I had joked about this to a loved one last week. IT WAS A JOKE when I said that. Hehehe. I can probably say that I do have abandonment issues from past lovers but this was the first time I learned of abandonment issues from childhood.

Anyway, earlier in the class someone had asked teacher what should be done about past traumas? And one of the things he said was about staying in the now, leaving the past, and dealing with the actual issue/crisis happening.

Time to deal :)

P.S. Incidentally, about ten years ago when my dad was leaving for another stint abroad, I spent hours on the phone with an ex, crying over it. Which was a bit strange considering that by that time I'd lived away from home for eight years already! Anyway. ;)) I'd always remembered that incident because ex was so pleased with me then (how strange that as well).

The Tuesday Something Extraordinary Happened

you know how these things go. you're in a particular context, with a particular mind-set, with a particular state of spirit, at a particular spot, at a particular time. and something happens that seems to have been meant JUST FOR YOU. ;)) that you never expected.

You, Universe, you're very naughty. Thank you (but did it really have to be with 15 other people??!!!? hahahaha. It's pretty hard not to judge one's feelings, to just experience them, when one finds one's self crying in a room with 15 strangers.)

Will write it up some time :).

this week's forecast

There is a New Moon in Cancer, V, which sets the stage for new beginnings within your current relationships. As Saturn prepares to leave Cancer for another twenty-nine and a half years, you have learned a number of lessons about your relationships. You now know a great deal more about which ones really do work and which ones may not be in your best interest. This is your chance to take the initiative and to focus on creating a strong bond that will develop and get stronger as time goes by.

the real reason

the real reason am more comfortable on the desktop than Piolo laftaf is because i had my desktop table especially made to be shorter, many years ago.

hehehehe.

and Piolo gets too hot on my lap. :P

sandy dreams

in two weeks we are going to the beach :D

we are going because three people are celebrating birthdays :D

and we would like to celebrate on their behalf :D

hehehehe.

not one, not two, but three excuses.

and these three people won't even ever know :D

hahaha.

p.s. oh tita e, your birthday warrants a different celeb. take your pick: mishka adams? brass monkeys? oyster boy? you pick, we do. ;) lab you :P you are always thought of. so far away. why doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore. it would be so fine to see your face at my door. -carole king :)

it "pang"-ed

alarmed by the sight of my beloved nemesis' files on one of my tables, i frantically burned my files onto various cd's, wanting to erase all traces of me from what was once my territory and soon to be favorite nemesis'.

burning done with, i took a deep breath and pressed the delete button. three times for three directories.

v_as_herself
v_2004
v_2005

owwwwww. owwwww. owwwww. my life and times for 8 years. my personal files, letters, bills, thoughts, resources, diary entries, chat logs, music files, lyrics, and a million and one pictures.

gone. never to be found in that hard drive again. (windows prompt: this directory is too large for the recycle bin. delete permanently?). delete, indeed. like i was never here.

thank goddess for nero :D.

for as long as ...

as sung by my old favorite Ms. Julia F. the androgynous daw (hehehe)


As long as we have hope, prayer, and a little bit of time to
Get us there, hope, prayer and time
-- written by Gary Clark

as if ;))

as if i knew anything.

I DON'T.

hehehehe.

am just trying to pull answers from the air, maybe like this, maybe like that, and also (i promise you), maybe the way it is already :)

or all of the above.

i guess this is when we have to be creative. this is like making movies. that's not such a good angle, sweetie, can we shift a little more... maybe like this, maybe like that.

MAYBE.

(videoke cue: Maybe, there'll be no falling stars this time around, I still believe that ... Maybe... hehehehe)

after all, we already have an all-star cast. :P

kung anu-ano lang

literally. be warned.

Dr. Pansy
a few days ago, i had two long and engaging separate conversations with two friends about FLU. YES, the dreaded, never-again-please, not-until-i-can-forget-how-weak-and-useless-and-lupaypay-you-can-get f*** flu. :D

yes, it was the flu that i had. i'm also inordinately happy to have diagnosed myself correctly in the end. i know it started as a sore throat and the usual, but i guess the lowered resistance made me succumb to the terrible terrible flu.

it was fun discussing all the symptoms and agonies with the two. shared misery is indeed ... a joy. hehehe.

Pansy Cleaner
today i am staying home to work ( ;)) ) and so because i am home working, i also cannot help but get absored with some household tasks. for instance, cleaning the ref. yes, so far i have cleared the ref of two leftovers, some nice ulam from a few days ago (lunch), and the remnants of the offending strawberry-choco (that led to the flu) -- dessert! hehehe. don't you like cleaning the ref this way?

Weathergirl Pansy
i think nagtatampo sakin ang weather (sobrang superstar complex ko).

it's been raining so consistently every day starting from about 5 to 6 to 8-9 in the evening that i've taken it to be some sort of weather rule for june, and have been announcing it as such.

well it just rained, and it's only two pm.

hmmmp!

true love

you know the drill, you noypi you. you weren't really planning to stay up half the night. but then they brought you the videoke machine. still, you weren't really planning on staying the whole entire time. BUT they brought out the karaoke machine. ... and YOU, yes you noypi you, you CAN'T resist the songs. it's not genetically possible. no matter if you weren't the one holding the mic, no matter if you almost never held the mic or chose a song. still the songs kept coming and you were stuck in that room, standing or sitting, it doesn't matter, but singing.

yes, singing, under your breath or with ten others singing screaming. even if the lyrics went against all reason (from here to eternity???!!!!???!), still the songs kept coming and you were singing, and soon, it was three am.

hehe.

i really only take the videoke plunge with people i truly love, either because i know they will accept me no matter if i shame them with my singing, or i love them no matter what they will think of me! (amounts to love in either direction). hehe, such a big deal but i can't sing to save my life, unless, i really have to. i guess.

now it's time for bed as it'll be time to swim in a few hours, and I CAN'T WAIT TO SWIM. my body craves the water (i can swim to save my life if there are no waves, hehehe).

happy birthday chester. i love you. ;)

Flowers for you, on this lovely evening
Though they have no words they share my feelings
As we walk along the avenue
Pardon me, I just can't help staring at you

synchronicity saturday

i have a lot to say, i have nothing to say. both me. :D

***

let's try the first option:

i went to school to get my i.d. it's not my prettiest :D but it'll do.

i went to the library to check out books on synchronicity, among other things (have a class report on synchronicity). got hold of one by carl jung, and synchronicity: the inner path to leadership by joseph jaworski. i sat down and flipped thru the second one to see if it was worth borrowing. and i didn't get up for two hours. i was hooked!

it reads like an autobio but is really not just an autobio. (the best way to illustrate/ explain your points is really to tell the story of your life, i think. it's from the heart that way.)

anyway, this guy who was like your typical driven successful busy person, was sat down by his wife one day. she said she had met somebody else and was leaving him. needless to say, he was surprised and devastated. he hadn't seen it coming. he was one of those persons who was always so focused on doing what he was doing to the exclusion of all else. so i guess one of the things that suffered as a result was his marriage.

the "tragic" thing that happened made him rethink and reflect on his life and his person, and his being. he started reading and writing and reflecting, and as a result became more open. he realized the more powerful way to live was not to control life, but to flow with it. to be "open" and "alert" and "conscious" so that things could happen.

for instance. he went on a six-week holiday to europe by himself. he learned a lot and all that, and he said that he didn't always want to be alone. and he noticed that the universe provided him with the company that he needed. when he went to dinner in a restaurant in cannes, a woman passed by his table. their eyes met and they smiled at each other.

after a few minutes, the woman, noticeably a bit chagrined by what she was doing but nevertheless determined to follow her instinct, came back and asked if she could have dinner with him, and she would pay for her share, etc. so he asked her to sit down with him, they talked and learned about each other and spent a day or two in each other's company.

and then... (pp. 48-49, section on the art of loving)

The day Bernadette was to fly to Paris, she came to my hotel room. It was a Sunday morning, and I was sitting on the veranda, soaking up the sun and watching a regatta out in the bay ... I was listening to beautiful music and was very content and happy, alone with my thoughts and memories, restful and peaceful. Bernadette came to my door. She said she had to see me one more time to tell me what the last few days had meant to her. She said I had deeply touched her life ... In ten minutes she was gone...

As I sat in my room, tears were running down my cheeks. It was not out of sadness that I wept, but because of the realization that I had had a profound effect on someone else's life. That was the first experience of its kind for me. And I knew why I had been able to help her -- it was because her well-being was a matter of my ultimate concern. I had given to Bernadette my interest, my understanding, my knowledge, and all that was alive in me. I had given my life to her for a few days and apparently had enriched her life, while at the same time, enhancing my own. ...

...the lesson that I learned from this encounter was life changing. ... when we are in this state of being where we are open to life and all its possibilities, willing to take the next step as it is presented to us, then we meet the most remarkable people who are important contributors to life. This occurs in part through the meeting of our eyes; it's as if our souls instantly connect, so that we become part of a life together at that moment. This is not at all about sexuality, not about maleness and femaleness. It's about human beings connecting. At once there is an instant trust and intimacy -- we belong with the other for a moment.

***

oooh, how beautiful. :) and this book is not at all about bernadette. and he was just starting. it's really about when people suddenly work together, as one, as if in a different state, things just gel. but am still reading it, so that's all you get, and you can go and find and buy the book if you want ;)

i guess synchronicity can happen when we all learn to be open, to be alert, to be in the now, and we recognize deep in our souls that we are all related, we are one, all parts of the same whole entire beautiful universe. ;)


***

george bush and you and i. gma and you and i. euuuuuurgh. hahahaha.

but you know what i mean, if you know what i mean :D

and besides, one of j. jaworski's main points was that leaders have to have self-knowledge, they must have an inner life, and a reflective journey. hehehe.

***

then i left the library and went to the bank, and had hot sour sinigang (yum) lunch with the synchronicity book. then i went to a bookstore so i could be standing up after lunch, then i walked a long way to claim something at the photocopiers (hehehe, it was another book, silly), then i went to another bank, then i dropped by the grocery store.

then here i am with the wind blowing my hair, typing away on piolo (hahaha instant laftaf name) on my lap, and copying this book, like i'm not supposed to.

:P that was just three paragraphs silly, free advertisement and recommendation.

oh, and it's raining. i got home just in time to grab my pink shirts from under the drizzling sky.

more minutiae

ahhh, classical conditioning. after two readings, my eyes started to droop and i actually had to nap at the coffee shop where roommie and i met up to study. and it was barely midnight. hehehe! this was so much the stuff/ MO of my childhood, all that was missing was a pillow.

promise, Vaseline shampoo works for me. hair is shinier, more together, like magic.

ok, goodnight lurkers :P thanks for coming.

essay: becoming me

sigh. i am not sooo very interested in myself today. i would much rather maki-chismis in the lives of freud, jung, reich, etc. but i have to do both.

hehe. i just love to complain when my life is going great ;))

let me leave you with this though-provoking thought :P

are you one of us?
Freud viewed the genital character as the ideal type. Genital characters are people who are sexually mature and capable of orgasm. Libidinal energies are no longer dammed up since such people have located appropriate love objects. (Theories of Personality, Richard Ryckman, p.44)

SIGH. *roll eyes* Another romantic.

:D

tats

it was a good sign. that i am getting well.

i could sing along to the divas giving their all to the this-song's-dedicated-to-tatay portion in yesterday's noontime show. (the week before that i badly wanted to sing along but couldn't find the energy).

except that pretty soon, my throat had grown a boulder. nakakaiyak naman mag-emote emote no. kahit nakiki-sing along lang hehehe.

anyway, hope yesterday was good for all the tatay's of this world, who know parenting/ tataying ain't easy. especially the ones who know, tatay's have got what it takes to be ilaw of the tahanan also. what's needed is the willingness to practice.

hala, galingan niyo ha. eh nag-tatay kayo. matuto maging lampara. hehehe.

and of course to my tatay, who does his best ;)

Fragment (consider revising)

I don’t tell my stories when asked. My soul does not unfurl that way. Rather, asking will win you a smile or a sigh or silence. My words and my pictures follow their own rhythms. But thank you for asking (that is my most recent improvement that I am indeed grateful to be asked).

I try to ride my tides, calling when words pour forth, when my eyes twinkle, high. Or low, often brought at ebb before your door. Connect with me. I am sad. You don’t have to make me happy. I merely want to touch you or sit in the same room, breathing.

Or channel the airwaves, comb the clouds into some cumulus highway between us. Who cares if we’re saying nothing much at P6 a minute. The thing that matters to me is that you’re at the other end. “So what did you eat today?” Funny, that always makes us laugh. But really, I want to know. Not that it matters what you chewed today, my love. Just that I could ask.

I too try to ride your tides, knowing that high will get me nowhere with you if you are at an ebb. Then I am like a fly that you are fond of, one too many questions and you shut the screen door on me. Fly, cute you may be, but let me sleep.

When the calendar brings us together, then you tell me your stories, sometimes, unbidden, from memory, from whatever. Then I am glad.

my schoolgirl days

i even dress the part.

hehe.

been running around my corner of qc in jeans/skirts, tanktops, hoodies, sneakers and bookbag all week.

hoodie and socks because i've been quite sick. i've only been mustering up enough energy to drag myself to my most important errands and to school. bookbag because i still have work, because i've been sick, so i've been lugging some papers around.

i've even gotten whiffs of that classic student-feeling: oh no, class again today. LOL. don't get me wrong. I am SO GLAD to be going to school. but it's kinda strange to be going to classes four days a week. i definitely AM a school girl already.

i have even BEEN to the library. spent four hours there. got my housemate to give me the tour since i've never been to this school library. we went home with 7 books: boy, those books were HEAVY! that tired me out so much, i went right to sleep on the couch after coming in the door. hehe.

i have four different teachers. i have loads of classmates -- we have big graduate classes, from 17 to 20 people a class, that's a lot. am glad for the mix this semester though, have more people of more ages, from more fields.

there are soooo many pretty girls at school (including me hahahaha). hehe! if i were a guy, i'd be in love every day. hehehehe.

what else? i have to learn to commute to school some days. too many getting-off-and-ons though. that's my excuse this week.

the 12-unit load isn't a joke though. i already have loads to read, and i want to do advance reading because my head's first language still isn't psychology. (it's love. hehe! i mean women and development.)

for one class we need to get to know an "abnormal" person and write up his/her story. because teach wants us to learn understanding. guess who i thought of? hehe!

for another class, we are going to spend time at either the terminal ward of a children's hospital or with some seminarians in far-away tagaytay. but we're not supposed to seduce the seminarians. ok, ok, children's hospital it is! hehe.

wish me luck and a new pair of sneakers (the other one gave out on thursday ;)) ).

eavesdropped

1. It's only in relationship that you find out quite repeatedly that yes, you, too are an evil person. Eat dirt, so there.

2. Have you ever liked someone so much that you literally have days when you just want to follow them around? (I HAVE).

3. Have you ever missed someone you liked so much that when you couldn't get in touch with them your scowl made the kanto dog howl in hurt, and thunder crackled in the background? (I HAVE but the thing is I'm scared of thunder.)

4. Have you enough percentage brat and evil person that when sometimes you miss someone you like so much, you quarrel with them first chance that you get, without really meaning to, just because you missed them? (Ahh, now we're talking)

FINE! (not) FINE! (not) FINE! (not).

5. The thing is, when people are beginning to like each other, they ought to cancel some flowers and chocolates in favor of first aid kits and life preservers. Here goes, I have sharp edges and can poke you in the eye. Try to survive. In the end, I'll thank you for it.


CRASH! There went my self-erected halo again. Dang it.


PS Thanks to all the kind souls who have offered to take me to the doctor. I have been feeling ghastly, 'tis true.

lagnat ever

question from the audience: Si Ryan na ba ang right guy for you?

Juday: (smiles) It's too soon to tell. I hope so.

;))

p.s. partial kasi ako sa love stories na nangyayari dahil nagkasama ng matagal at nagkakilanlan. ;))

ZZZICK

Last week on a lazy sidetrip to 7-11, the Priestess made me buy this strawberry flavored choclit. Little cuties they were, and yummy too.

A few days ago, I fed some to boyfriend, and fed some to myself (hehe, he had the good sense to say no at some point). But I did drink water!

Still, the day after that.

There I went again. ZZZZOOORRE throat.

So the next day: runny nose.

And yesterday: runny nose and cough.

Today: I AM REALLY SICK. DANG! I woke up in a fever, with a dripping nose, and cough.

It's kinda fun just snoozin' here at home in front of the tv, a pile of books, the internet and anything I can pull out of the ref ;)) Hehe.

But I will have to run out to the grocery store when I pull the last piece of tissue from the packet.


P.S. Yes, I am taking medicine, liquids and vitamins. :)

but, seriously

i firmly believe i deserve another Boracay weekend.

hehehehe.

promise, universe.

tickle tickle (you thoughted)

Image108.jpg
Originally uploaded by Pansy.

Meet Duma. Duman. You thoughted. ;) :P

Bless.

Duman on fuschia sheets, 3 hours old.

soulfully

soulfully yours

my super mode/mood/mod/moon of the moment.

i am soulfully yours/mine.

soul-sister 1 keeps calling me "mahal". i love it :D

on a rainy evening

There are times when I like being needed. Times too when I wish some people didn’t need me in the exact time and way they needed me. But I guess, in the balance sheet of life, I would rather be someone people need (every now and then? :) and not in a continuous stream? except by babies, maybe?). As if life worked like a balance sheet. But love also means going out of our way for those in need.

(And I thank all of you who have gone out of your way for a me in need, even when it was so clearly a bother :D or against your will, or against the normal nature of your personality hehehe.)

Sometimes I am lonely, and think that people, sometimes, get lonely (if not most of the time.) They want someone to talk to. When I am lonely, I resolve to be the someone that people can talk to when they are lonely :). (Hey you, you can talk to me when you are lonely.)

It’s taken me all week to find my stillness :). And still, I can’t sit with it for too long a spell. I seek/ sought company. I found some company.

Nor did I really escape it. Other things got in the way. Like the urgency of having my aches and pains kneaded out. Like going with an old movie-mate to the current movie craze (so-so), or choosing top colors with roommate, or enjoying a drink or two with work friends, that which we could not do for the longest time, so busy were we!

Other things that you stand still for: a regular guaranteed fun date with a gf at a cute movie (A Lot Like Love is good! ;), dinner with those people who understand what makes your heart beat, and wish you all that in spades.

And then love. Love sits across me in an easy chair, looking at me amusedly, affectionately. I know, love, that lately, I have learned quite a lot. :)

Visayas days and nights

Inspired by the Priestess’ bits of Bacolod, here are some of the snapshots in my mind of my last two weeks :)

Sitting beside Priestess, hot tired and hungry – cranky -- in a church in a sleepy Capiz town for a cousin’s wedding, watching this “butler woman” ordering the entourage about, admiring the way my other cousin’s tangerine ensemble floated on top, and wrapped sexily round her legs.

The huge shower that jettisoned water onto one’s tired and battered body in the spanking new house we borrowed in Capiz for the occasion, almost bare of any furniture but complete with all the soaps and shampoos one could ever desire in a grand bathroom irresistible to a Capricorn heart.

Taking off for Dumaguete mostly by myself, starting out from our house at the outskirts of the city at half past nine in the am, enjoying our tall perch at Supercat, saying goodbye to the Priestess and her very entertaining nephew at the Bacolod Ceres terminal – the South terminal mind you – enjoying a long bus ride south, arriving at Dumaguete at sunset, catching a glimpse of ahem in his curly glory (lol), catching the forest-bound jeep, and basking in the warm welcome of girlfriends at the Forest Camp, in the early evening in our cozy bahay kubo complete with tuko. Hehe.

Early mornings, breakfast coffees with girlfriends at the Summer Camp for Young Men in beautiful surroundings, river, rock, trees and grass. Sans regular cellphone signal though and convenient transport to the city.

Heartstoppingly cold spring pools, refreshing tingling addictive.

Sleeping with HB :): making siksik ourselves and two cots in the small space (bale a cot and a half space) between two bamboo beds in our nipa hut room. Love makes lack of space possible.

Midmorning sunshine, me talking on the wonders of mutuality in relationships and sexuality, on the importance of communication, and nurturing, and expressing feelings, and of evolving into complete persons, with partners who will hold up half the sky, with 8 young men. Talking sex with 8 interested looking young men. Lol. It is worth every minute every second if they all grow up and make women happy :), if they all grow up and become happy in themselves in their persons, without abusing anyone, and being sensitive of the power relations that exist in our society.

More joyrides: at the back of a minicab, at the back of a weapons carrier with a full moon gleaming down on the serene Dumaguete waters.

More good food: in partnership with HB, we sought out our favorite vinegar-related ulams – seaweed salads and grilled fish, there’s this particular fish that’s all over the Boulevard in Dumaguete that tastes so good. Then dessert and coffee with the goddesses at Mamia’s – mango crepes and cheesecake and coffee and… Indian mangoes. Hehehe.

Forty young men getting emotional, and supportive, and being loving to a prostitution survivor, and the survivor enjoying the love and support and respect of these young men who will surely make the world a better place for her and her children and other women.

(Remember: if there were no demand, there would be no supply. The Summer Camp for Young Men aims at changing the attitudes and practices of young men on prostitution.)

And then Apo Island :). I am always happiest in sea, and sand, and sun, with friends. Snorkelling holding hands with HB while following Randy, the kindest cutest boat captain that side of the Philippines. (We have his number if you want his help at Apo!).

And then the loveliest room at Bethel fronting the Dumaguete sea. Slept beside HB no matter if there were two beds! Hehe.

Chatting with ahem and HB late into the night at Bethel :)

Early am tricycle rides with HB to the airport, breakfast under the sun. Hehehe.

Other snapshots, I’ll keep to myself :P

In the heat of the summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you
And nobody needs to know
-The Corrs, summer sunshine