a thought on its own

you looked good in your blue tee shirt.

sometimes i catch my breath thinking about how much i've learned and grown in relationship with you, and, every time, mentally say thank you for having been there while i learned. i am awed at how substantial your contribution has been. i imagine it a bit like a soul saying -- in a soul-to-soul conversation -- ok, here i am, use me in whatever way you will/ need to so you can grow a little bit more. it's been very humbling. i never thought it would be like that, and i am grateful.

having been thru the (mutual) wringer (perhaps), we release each other, while staying.

(my other thoughts suddenly stood up, and left the room :D)

ILY in Runes, English and Bisaya

How do you say
I love you
in RUNES?

JOIN US IN THIS VALENTINE’S OPEN MIC AND SAY IT ANY
WAY YOU WANT TO, TO ANY ONE YOU WANT TO (YES, TO ME,
SURE!), WITH AS MUCH FEELING AS YOU WANT TO

7:30 pm, Wednesday, 15 February 2006
Runes Bar & Restaurant, 265-F Tomas Morato
cor Scout Fernandez, QC, near Chili's Restaurant
Tel. No.: 413-0660

LAB YU DONG DAY ;)

angel guidance

Check out Doreen Virtue's website for some angel therapy.

Below is number three in her ten lessons learned from angels. (Am taking a Projectives class so this is way interesting :) )

3. All conflict is inside your mind.
"Any conflict you see or experience in the outside world is a projection of your ego. In truth, the world is completely at peace and you project your fear of peace onto the world. You don't want to resolve your inner conflict, but you do want to get it away from yourself. So, you project it onto other people and think that 'they' are the ones who are causing you discomfort. Other people are neutral, blank slates and you color them with your own meaning and definitions. Then, you react to them as if these colorations and definitions were real. Other people, in turn, treat you in the way that you expect, in a self-fulfilling prophecy."

As the angels explained this, I realized how often I had allowed fear to create miserable times for me. But always, I had the power to choose the thoughts and feelings I ascribed to all situations.

boiled egg and broccoli

recited in class today. hehehe that makes me sound like a kindergarten student. have been wanting to kick myself to do that more but just hadn't been present enough this year. but have now managed to pull myself together and be cheerful :D

made sure i'd be in class today since the scheduled topic for discussion was the theory that i've suspected will need to be in my paper. but when it came right down to it, intimacy isn't my passion anymore. hahahaha. didn't even make so much as a comment on stage 8, intimacy vs. isolation. now am interested in secure attachment, being ok with one's self and being ok with others. :D

anyway, my new friendship Y said before the class broke up, hey V, yellow suits you. you look happy.

i am, indeed. and yellow does suit me. ;)

extra large

the heart of a woman
encompasses the world.

amplified

i really enjoy it when i lose disbelief and like a movie the same way i like a book so much that i miss the characters after i've read the last page. when i like a movie so much, and so do my movie mates, we talk about the characters afterwards like they're real. (though like groupies, you talk about them like the actors were the characters ;)). it's the feelings-method to movie-appreciation :D (it doesn't focus on whether the movie was accurate of the real story or too hollywoodish and other mental-intellectual and/or wholistic frameworks. basta, i love it, ganun.)

but i'll wait a few days and see when more people have seen Walk The Line. Instead here's a song from my all-time favorite album of Everything But The Girl (EBTG). I love the Amplified Heart album but don't go back to it too often 'coz it's so so so sad an album.


We Walk the Same Line

If you lose your faith, babe, you can have mine,
and if you're lost I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

Now I don't have to tell you
how slow the night can go,
I know you've watched for the light.

And I bet you could tell me
how slowly four follows three,
and you're most forlorn just before dawn.

So if you lose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

And I don't need reminding
how loud the phone can ring
when you're waiting for news.

And that big old moon
lights every corner of the room.
Your back aches from lying
and your head aches from crying.

So if you lose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

And if these troubles
should vanish like rain on midday,
well I've no doubt there'll be more.

And we can't run and we can't cheat,
cause babe when we meet
what we're afraid of,
we find out what we're made of.

So if you lose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

welcome back

my
much-needed
much-awaited
much-welcomed

reunion
with geeky
OC
student
self.

oh
what
a
relief.

yes, alice-walker-wanna-be me

regardless
notwithstanding

we love each other

despite everything.


ps. sorry alice :D

on thursdays
you tend
not to text,
why?

en yah yah yah gram

;))

if you will recall, i crowed long and hard here about discovering (self-identifying thru a list) my instinctive enneagram type... type one... the perfectionist/ reformer. it was amusing to me because i could relate with statements saying like, "it has to be left up to me because no one else can/ will do it." and also the impatience and resentment. as well as the wisdom.

The Reformer. The principled, idealistic type. Ones are conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are teachers, crusaders, and advocates for change: always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake. Well-organized, orderly, and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards, but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic. They typically have problems with resentment and impatience. At their Best: wise, discerning, realistic, and noble. Can be morally heroic.

then i also elaborated a bit about type four, having issues with a beloved type four then. so imagine my surprise today to discover (taking the full RHETI test for school) that i am almost a type four as i am a type one. and moreover, am also nearly a type two. my feelings, both inward and outward ones, are showing themselves.

wahahahaha! serves me right. one judges that in others which one has also in one's self.

Type Four
The Individualist. The introspective, romantic type. Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.

here's the type two ;)... the female in me.

Type Two
The Helper. The caring, interpersonal type. Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

queen of the world

you want the world, someone said to me very recently in the middle of the night, in all caps. I WANT THE WORLD, yes I now agree. (I really need to pay attention to the things people say to me that I resist, that turn out to be right :D).

but perhaps, yes, we need to want the world :D. doc r and chester too said we need to blurt it out. we want the world, we want this world, this is what we want. we need to be unafraid to want and say the things that we know will make us happy.

when it's from the gut, and it's for the good, there's going to be no stopping it from hurtling into your life. just have your arms out ready, open, waiting to catch, ready to be in the shower of blessings that we all so richly deserve, just for being who we are.

maybe this is what all this heartbreak i'm swimming in right now is all about. all because deep down i know i want the world, and whispered it some time ago, timidly hesitantly, this is what i want.

and so now the world is changing changing changing taking a new form giving birth to new ideas and new situations (my angel card isaiah) and as i cry and rail, i know deep down i am happy, and i wanted this so i could follow my truth, and you could follow yours, and if we act on our truths, we are still loving each other, in various ways and various forms, and there'll we'll be still.

i want the world, with angel astara :)

p.s. vv does angel readings for friends, in continued angel'mazement, and because it helps a lot (to learn, to ask, to get to know). so, you only need to say if you want one. we learn together :)

p.s. bryan, if you find your way here again, i asked if you'll be ok, and my friend the angel daniel came out, said you're going to be married ;). something to look forward to, wouldn't you say? (no, i'm not documenting it, but i want to be there, so there :P)

Incidentally, from ivillage:

February 1: Mercury conjunct Neptune

There are two ways to find your way to the future. Fortunately, or unfortunately, you've got to put them both into operation at the same time to make your dreams come true. First off, you need to visualize what you want -- to see it happening as if you're actually watching it on television. Next, you have to be absolutely, completely sure that you can make that dream a reality. Mercury is in charge of thoughts, and Neptune holds jurisdiction over dreams -- so they're the pair you need to bring about your grand plans. While they're always accessible, they're holding hands at the moment, meaning their influence is just unbeatable. Use it. To the max. It's time.

yuck, kadramahan :P

everyone who's ever truly loved knows how tricky it is seeing an ex in the middle of everything. how tricky it is and yet how essential. how the bittersweetness can drown you caught as you are between the sight of future peace, and the longing for happier times past, made more sweet by the recognition that those won't happen again ever. how you understand everything, and know exactly where you are, and yet can't help tears streaking down your face.

how you almost can't say a thing because you can't hold yourself to anything, not any word, and besides don't want to cause any hurt or harm or pain either in an unwieldy time and place where everything is both happier and more sorrowful. you almost can't say anything because things are moving too fast and the words, once let out, might not be true anymore. and yet you are compelled to speak to commemorate each moment. and yet you are scared to speak for you might be speaking too soon of a future that has yet to fully reveal itself.

luckily, there are many other things to talk about, and love always knows even of things unspoken. and sometimes it knows more of those.

i say it's all about respecting the seasons. there you go. you've fully converted me months after i protested your insight left and right. :D :P why did i somehow expect that to happen? hehehe!

also, i hold in my heart my glimpse of joy, in the hope that in the rightness and ripeness of time, when i am ready, it shall fully open for me again.

:|

sometimes, i go to class to save myself.

a broken spell

two weeks ago, ate v bumped into the tall mirror i've lived with in the last 13 years. crash, it broke, breaking the spell.

yes, a spell.

roommie and i, time and again, have stood before the mirror, and shook our heads. there's a spell to the mirror. almost everyone that has lived with it, and left, has gone into significant relationships, or worse, married.

only the two of us have continued to live with it faithfully, every morning checking to see if our shoes match, no, compliment, the rest of our person.

now it's gone.

who knows what might happen next ;)

p.s. as i write, five men have gathered around the mirror in front of my gate, perhaps contemplating their shoes in the broken shard. certainly, deciding who gets to take home the unexpected gadget.

the dogs

kanami. kanami. kanami-nami.

because i am gay.
and straight :P

and curvy.
and broad.
a broad.

and plump.
and short.

and twirly.
all curly.

because.
i love.

harvesting one-liners at one am

Sometimes, simply by sitting, the soul collects wisdom.
-Zen proverb care of my gmail futureminders email

love me, feed me, never leave me.
-Garfield care of cable tv

:D

in tuition

eeeeww. you know your intuition's working when you seem to know things without any basis whatsoever.

if you think about it, it's kinda freaky. but that's what intuition is for, to not think about anything.

and then one day, you'll just wake up, and say, oh.

Becoming Athena

Or the making of the stalker sisterhood :P

I'm currently fascinated with the Athena angel card in my angel deck. It says:
"It is safe for you to be powerful. You know how to be powerful in a loving way that benefits others as well as yourself."

It echoes Gracie in the discussion we had before Christmas when she said, power, per se, is not a bad thing. I was arguing that some forms and practices of power were better than others, and she was asking if I was saying that power is bad? I guess she is right.

It affirms my recent thought that we women do have power, and we need to step into our power. We need to become Athena.

We women give our power away all the time. ALL THE TIME. Consciously and unconsciously. We do it when we let others make the decisions for us. We do it when we let others run the whole show when in fact we have many essential things to contribute. And in fact, could make things very different, and in many ways, better, if we also let ourselves run the show, now and then.

I give my power away every time I wail, does that mean he doesn't like me? Because whether or not he or she likes me is not the point :). I am me anyway, and that's what I ought to focus on. It would be great to be liked back, but feeling bad if someone doesn't like you back is giving away my power. It's giving away my power over my wellbeing, my self-esteem, and my responsibility for myself.

And giving away power is totally losing by default. Because as Athena says, let's run that by us again, women know how to be powerful in a loving way that benefits others as well as themselves. We also need to lead.

Because when I say we need to be aware of, accept and exercise our power, I don't mean we abuse this power in order to manipulate or abuse others, or use power for egoistic ends, or just to have our own way, *stamp foot*. But rather, for us to exercise power for what we feel and know is best for us and others. To use our power to actively love ourselves and others.

****

Over lunch of kimchi and spicy beef stew, a gf and I hatch our project, a secret society of sorts, the sisterhood of stalkers. Hehehe! Rather, gf wants to make *some deserving person* secretly happy. Make him/ her feel liked and special (as he or she is). As we drew up the plan, we cackled and giggled in glee, and clapped our hands in anticipation.

And we agree, women need to step into their Athena selves.

****

Becoming Athena includes allowing ourselves to love all those whom we love, and to be loved back.

Alice

Because

you rubbed

my shoulder

last night

a poem

traveled down

my arm.

- by Alice Walker

from the book A Poem Traveled Down My Arm:
Poems and Drawings
hardbound copy in startling blue
found today at Booksale Megamall
for the splendid price of P105

;)

if i could draw cartoons, there i'd be in mini skirt and sneakers leaning on this big block of chocolate and i am refusing to turn around and bite it.

because I am stretching my EQ.

i know if i make even one bite of my favorite chocolate, i'll feel sick.

tada!

i have an exam, a paper, and homework

because love is not a contest.

and moreover, it is a choice.

and it is a choice that can be made repeatedly, for many people, in different ways.

it's a bit like the multiplication table :P

go figure.

inimbento: konsepto

made up this concept on-the-spot in a text conversation with gf. said i, i believe in "constructive access to information." hehe! it simply means, personally, i don't need to know everything, but i need to know enough. and i try to practice this in my relations with others in my bid to gain karat points in the Confucian after-world (read: the golden rule, hehe!).

luckily, when i recognize what it is i truly feel and know what i want to do, the right opportunity, and the appropriate and accurate turn-of-phrase usually just present themselves, without too much planning :) synchronistically-speaking, the how and when come up, and i take those up.

it's just that it's important to me to know enough to be able to make my choices and considerations. to be able to pick my risks myself, and take responsibility for them. (mom and i were talking about this last week, about how some men will consider and make decisions by themselves or amongst themselves on matters that also very much concern the significant women in their lives. and how they would be so much more helpful if they also ask the women what the women want to do, given the situation, so the women can state their own preferences, make their choices, and take responsibility for these themselves.)

so i try not to keep my significant people in the dark about things on which they might need to make their own considerations about.

and it is very important to me personally, that all this sharing of information is done in the right way, using the right words which are the proof of a loving motivation. i can tell when other people or myself for that matter are sharing stuff only to appease their/ my ego or hurt others. then i want to kick them... myself! hehe. or conversely, when people are not sharing information in order to have the upperhand/ hurt others/ appease their egos.

for instance it is very clear to me that when i tell others that i feel that i am feeling very pretty today, that it is because i am feeling good, and wanting more attention. :P lol.

and eerily, my horoscope agrees with me again.

Making things clear
Valid during several weeks: During this time you may be inclined to keep your opinions to yourself and not communicate them to others, even when you should. At the same time you may be more in touch with the hidden sides of your own personality, your unconscious drives and compulsions than at most other times. The first of these two effects may be undesirable or inappropriate, but the ability to get at hidden areas of your character can be quite useful. The problem here is that you may feel that others will hold anything you say against you. And this may be true, especially if your words are motivated by petty ego concerns. But it is even more likely that what you don't say will be held against you, so it is very important at this time to say everything that has to be said.


The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mercury in the 12th House 12 exact at 23:44
activity period from 23 January 2006 to 10 February 2006.


Horoscopes!

we love each other by "needing"

and being needed

It's not true that life becomes challenging when you encounter problems. Life also becomes hard when other people you love have "problems." In fact, one of my biggest challenges in the past few months and up to now, is how to be "ok" when someone else I love is "not ok."

Oh my, it's hard :).

First of all, you miss them :). You get used to the easy love, affection, friendship, company, what have you, and you miss their presence in your life.

Second, it worries you that they are unhappy/ "not themselves." When you yourself are the one who's unhappy, you know that if you sit with yourself long enough, it will blow over, and the joie de vivre appears again. And that in fact, being sad or problematic or "not yourself" is actually being yourself, still. But when it's someone you care about, it's pretty hard not to worry even though you know worry won't do you or the friend or the lover or the family member any good, and even creates this restless negative energy that probably compounds the situation, and makes it worse for your loved one (and what great help you've been then).

It's harder still when you don't know what to do, and it's been some time.(Although of course, you know very well that this isn't about you, and you should cease and desist from making a loved one's "hard times" become about you). Even though your wiser self knows it's not really about "doing", you feel helpless and cannot help wanting to "help" or "do" something to improve the situation.

One of my counseling psychology classes emphasizes in red ink, bold caps, and repetitively, that the psychologist's first task is to understand. But this is easier done when your loved one talks to you or is in a problematic-but-expressive-mode. Or when they are specific about their needs, like chester's "Eula, I need someone to check on me now and then."

But what if they aren't in communication mode? It becomes a real honest-to-goodness dilemma then: whether to let alone or probe now and again. What if they do want to communicate but need encouragement? Or what if they could really need some company, even quiet company, but are too "troubled" to do the inviting? What if your occasional probing (like when you say "Better to try than not to have covered the possibility at all") makes them feel "pestered" by you such that they hope not to see you even more for a longer time?

What then?

Perhaps, the best thing to do is stay centered and calm yourself. To recognize and release all "missing," worry, and the occasional resentment that pops up, and radiate only love and light. To be OK even when loved ones are NOT OK.

But of course, this is very hard to do indeed, especially with those you are attached to. Otherwise, why else would I need to blog-talk myself into it? :P


p.s. also have this draft post entitled "we love each other by 'feeding' and eating"

a bright day outside

dear sweetie,

in wiser clearer calmer centered moments,
i know the only task to life is to live in the moment.

in strange difficult challenging times,
i know there is no other choice but to do so.

to address only that which confronts us in a second,
to blank the mind to all other thoughts, terrifying possibilities,
to trust that if we let go,
of all other moments that came before,
and all other moments that will follow,
the universe will stay on course, on track, as always,
though it may not appear to do so.

for the first task we have is to help ourselves,
to heal ourselves, to be cognizant of our truths,
that we cannot be helpful of others' healing
if we don't face that which lies first in our hearts.

so like the mother that cradles the infant,
hold yourself close to your heart.
there you are protected, nurtured, comforted
there you can weep, cry, rail, laugh hysterically
if necessary at the ways of the world
that seem almost at once in the same moment
mysterious wise good frightening.

let there be love and light.

:) still, chester, we say no to fear and yes to love. but it'll work itself out, without our conscious intervention but with merely our intention :).

how nice

Date of Birth: 01/08

If you're a Capricorn woman in love, V, you'll love today. You could plan for almost anything, from a little trip together, to a lifetime replete with children and grandchildren. Even though your foresight sometimes overcomes your spontaneity, yield to the unexpected a little bit. The future will be bright after the gloom of the past few weeks.

May

May the Good Lord bless and keep you till we meet again :)

Mama Maligalig

What does maligalig mean? mi mama asked two salespeople and one cashier at that boxlike department store, having set her whims on this aqua teeshirt that said, Maligalig. One said pasaway, another said magulo, and later roommie said, magamo. She asked again, but isn't maligalig positive?

Perhaps maligalig is this.

Mama: Do you have a weighing scale?
V and A laugh: Bawal 'yan dito. It's anti-self-esteem.
Mama rolls eyes: It's not to measure your weight, it's to weigh luggage.

perhaps, pag-ibig

and some say love is holding on
and some say letting go
and some say love is everything
and some say they don't know ;)

the angels are rolling their eyes

hahaha. kuwento ko lang ang katuwaan namin ngayong mga araw na ito. ako at ang mga anghel. kinukulit ko sila ng iba't ibang tanong na nauuwi lamang sa iisang malaking tanong. paulit-ulit, pare-pareho ang kanilang sagot. di naiiba promise. pero pilit ko pa rin tinatanong muli. halimbawa na lang, kanina, tanong ko, mga anghel, ok lang ba na mahal ko si bryan? may saysay naman di ba na mahal ko siya? heto ang sabi nila (di pa kasi ginawa ang angel card na nagsasabing: tama na yan ang kulit mo).

the now
archangel michael: i am with you, giving you the courage to make life changes that will help you work on your Divine life purpose.

block
grace and antoinette: to help heal this situation, see the other person's point of view with compassion

angel guidance
archangel uriel: your emotions are healing, which enables you to open to greater love. i will help you release anger and unforgiveness from your heart and mind.

at ang kicker, probable outcome
daniel: i am the angel of marriage, and i am assisting you right now

hahaha! sabi ko kay angel daniel, ikaw talaga! ikaw na naman! opo, ganun na nga. sa every other reading ko lumalabas si angel daniel. sabi ng oracle booklet, ang mga cards na laging lumalabas ay mga messages na gustong i-highlight ng angels.

generally, kahit ano ang tanong ko, ang laging lumalabas na themes ay: a cycle in your life is ending (celeste), ang tungkol sa life purpose, at si angel daniel.

at promise, i shuffle the cards. at meron talagang cards na di lumalabas, ever, sa akin.

so anyway, sinong gustong magtanong ng mensahe ng anghel? kuhitin niyo lang ako at basahin natin ang booklet. ako lang ang mag-shuffle :)

and this too shall pass

Learning to trust
Valid during many months: Under this influence you will become increasingly aware that all the truly important events in your life occur without your conscious intervention. ...

My life these days reverberates with the above part of my current astro.com long-term astrological forecast. Many things just happen without my conscious intervention -- often because these are all beyond me, anyway -- but with such a big impact on me, and my wellbeing. I can simply follow where the arrows point, follow with my heart and my hope, because that's the choice that's left. Whether to follow with leaden feet and clenched fists or follow hoping that things will turn out ok, somehow, one of these days, including in a form that I never imagined, even though it doesn't look or feel like it at all for the moment.

Things like the airplane not crashing two days before Christmas :D. Though this can be attributed to my fear of flying, that situation and my fright felt real enough to have made that threat probable. I mean, if it felt real to me, how could you argue? :P

(I thought then that the universe having forcibly brought me back to Manila may have been a concrete manifestation that i was "meant" to spend some time with you on the days that counted. Because otherwise how could I have? And this was really really what I wanted to do anyway.)

Or the fact that I can pinpoint the exact moment your caring mutated into seeming indifference without apparent rhyme or reason. One second you were telling me you were going to miss me, you had gotten used to being with me that day for hours and hours. The next you took me home, didn't hold my hand back, and left, almost without a backward glance.

Or my sadness at the coming of the New Year, and New Year's Day. Usually I am filled with peace and hope.

Or your continuing indifference that feels like the days when I found out my first love had somebody new, and had decided to act on it. Same time of the year, same situation. Just before Christmas, he took me home and held my hand, asking why what was the problem with holding my hand (at that time, we had already split up five months before Christmas)? Two weeks later, he failed to respond to invitations to celebrate my birthday, but sent me a letter telling me all about her. He was firm but kind to the weepy call I couldn't help making: V, enough please. He said that what we had was precious but it was time to move on.

Or the grief that simply swelled within me during my birthday, that I could not pinpoint to any single incident, but just was. You walked in, somehow, at the end of the day, and though that made me smile, and was the only possible feel-good response to my grief, you felt different still. Different from the day before the New Year when you, too, held me.

I almost expect to see you walking by holding someone else's hand one of these days, because all of this really really feels like the lost first quarter of January 1993 that I spent filled with love for my ex, in super catharsis. Like the way I cannot help but relive and grieve over every moment and funny incident that we ever had, cannot help but carry your picture in my head wherever I go, and cannot help but try to stay away too because not staying away would hurt even more.

Or the way I cannot help but try to reach out to all the people around me who might have the patience and love to sit with me and hold my hand, and tell me things will be all right, promise. Because I currently do not have all the imagination or the bigger heart that I need to carry me through. (Dearests, forgive my neediness, my kakulitan, I feel like a child these days that's lost its favorite toy, and simply need the time to grieve. I will appear like I don't understand all the rational hopeful things you will say, like some kind of bobo fixated girl who refuses to move on hehehe, but I just need somebody to cry to, like almost all of the time, hahaha).

What tells me to get hold of myself, and sustains me, is how my blessings continue to abound. Love and comfort are so near these days, and there is so much to be thankful for from life itself, to my snazzy digital cam, or the fact that I can drink myself to oblivion with all the wine in my ref these days. Hahaha. Or the knowledge deep within me, from previous experience, that all these too shall one day come to pass.

afterthought 1 (one of many): and probably this is really not about you, but about me, and the need to let go :).

almost like i love you to death

i would stand under a lamppost
and take all night to say
i love you i love you (i love you ...)

the very thing that will drive
you further away i love you
i love you (i love you ...)

smaller and smaller you become
the farther away you run i love
you i love you (i love you ...)

my lips continue to mutter
though you disappear from my sight
i love you i love you (i love you...)

till you're well and truly gone.

hehe

o siya, babae. tama na muna ang drama. mag-aral ka na. magtrabaho. magligpit ng kusina. hubarin mo muna ang kasentihan at kadramahan na nakabalot sa iyong katawan ... naku naku hayan na naman :D

hahaha.

nais kong magising sa pagiging pariwara, at mabuhay sa ngayon,
sa katotohanan ng aking kinalalagyan,

ang pagbuhos ng malamig na tubig sa baso mula sa pitsel,
ang haplos ng hangin mula sa electric fan,
ang pagtagpitagpi ng pira-piraso kong pagiisip na nakabulagta sa
iba't ibang dako ng lungsod ng quezon.

bumaba mula sa ulap, tumuntong sa lupa,
pakiramdaman ang sentro
na nag-uugat sa pinaka-sinapupunan ng mundo
tumayo tumaya tumawa
maging buhay, mabuhay sa kasalukuyan
sa sandaling ito
ang buhay ko

manifest-o

i am in luyag, in love, in loving mode.
but one of these days, i'll get over it :)
without losing the faith that love
will always manifest.

it's there.
it's inside of me, inside of you,
around us in the air that we breathe,
and the light that we live.

affirmations

guidelines for writing goals and affirmations

write with a positive tone
write in present time, as if the goal/affirmation has already occurred
write as specifically and as succinctly as possible
write about yourself rather than trying to change others
write words that you understand and use in everyday life
write with as open a heart as possible

-from the Sacred Journey, daily journal for your soul 2006

34

THANK YOU. :)

The thing that makes me crayo today (hahahaha, crayo na naman ;))) is the same thing as last Christmas, and it's the wonderful way in which the universe always comes to my rescue. It always heeds my heart's cry and responds in ways that defy rhyme or logical reason.

Yesterday, I really was sadder than sad, starting my birthday in tears, and so on in spurts throughout the day. But still in the midst of grief, I was surrounded by loving and helpful friends, affirming my desire to sit and spend time with intimates, because they are the ones who matter and who have cared, and birthdays are also a good time to sit together, and break bread, mugto man ang mata o hindi.

Then too, though far away, love from family surrounded me. And actually from every perspective I take, I am chock-full of blessings and angels who are there for me, whether I expected or asked for them or not. Sobrang dami lang talaga.

Still, almost amusing because I could not help it at all, I was in so much grief, when you just want to cry and cry, and just have someone cooperate and sit there with you, and let you cry and not protest, and tell you, that everything will be ok somehow, someday.

And then in cinematic manner (lol!), the universe responded to my grief, and I say thank you. It helped a lot, thank you. It strengthens my resolve to stay open to what will be in store for me this year, contrary though they may be to my mind's fixations. I want to be open and trusting and willing to be directed where I need to be though I may not have thought of these at all. I do not want to be fixated, but want to be open. I want to be able to let be, let go, let flow, including receiving those blessings that come unexpectedly. I want to have faith.

I pray for the same things for people I love who too are in sad times, for them to be sad as they feel, but remain in the faith that things can only and always get better.

The serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

bagong taon

my only resolution this 2006 is to try to really be where i really am :), if that makes sense.

and as a sub-resolution, under that:
to wear all my shoes ;)

********

so many things to be thankful for. among them:

1. i am thankful for finding myself in a good place, and humming a good note at year's end :)
2. i am happy to be alive.
3. i am thankful for having sat next to a cheerful chuckling baby on the flight back.

some wishes, random:
1. i wish my loved one comfort and joy. i wish him these as in a chant.
2. i wish myself peace, quiet and a brave heart.
3. some people i wish love in romantic form: capricorns P, C

********

Never mind, love

never mind, love

the old hurts, the pains
we took, the anxious joys,
the dreaded hopes

never mind love,

that's shed like
skin gone dry,
we'll try again

how i spent christmas eve

blue jeans, fuschia Chucks, and fiolo laftaf ;D

Here

hey! :)

merry christmas! here i am at home, spending it alone :) but the thing is, that's so strictly not true at all.

i don't feel alone. i feel loved, and blessed, and tearfully grateful for many many many things. i am weepy at the thought that there are so many people in the world that i can text, right after i thought for a few harrowing minutes that i was gonna be a goner.

i told bobby today that i already said i love you, mentally to everyone i love. he said, baka sa akin mangyari yan kaya ngayon pa lang sinasabi ko na, viola, i love you. hehe.

this morning, at breakfast, buddha and i listed all the life-threatening situations we've been through. the only criteria is that you thought during or after that you could have been a goner. i thought of three times. first was when chung and i almost shot off the santolan flyover due to a driver's wandering eye (i always feel a little bit queasy going over that same patch of road each time), then when dd and i experienced a minor earth tremor inside the moviehouse at the mall and it took forever to get out.

The last time was yesterday when our plane was hovering over cdo, waiting for a break in the clouds, and it tried to land, twice. the second time, going down, we really felt the moment when the pilot decided/ realized we weren't going to land, and the engines revved again and the plane's nose went up, and up we went. but with all that fog and clouds, you couldn't be sure where up was, a mountain or what (the uncontrollable need for control, to see). it didn't help of course that being a slightly phobic flyer, i know all about air crashes. (i also learned much later from co-passengers that when we went thru the clouds, we were too near the houses, and that's when the plane went up again). i concentrated on praying long and hard, and forever. thought of asking the silent man beside me if i could hold on to his shoulder but he seemed scared too and i didn't think it would be fair to ask him to carry some of my anxiety. in the end it helped that the woman one row behind across the aisle, said aloud, ay salamat when the pilot announced we were going to land in cebu instead. we smiled at each other. yes, let's not try anymore. let's land in cebu. trying again would suck.

so i am happy to be back on the ground, in a much quieter and much colder qc. after the weeks of shopping, and the week of merry-making, and yesterday's trauma, i am grateful to be resting in my own house (had a massage :))), and own bed, crossing paths again and sharing a japanese dinner (food fest!) with volunteer house-sitter buddha. i am pleased to add a new concept of Christmas Eve to my cognitive storehouse: this is only my fourth or fifth (basta less than ten) time to be away from the family reunion in Mindanao in my 33 years of life, would you believe? i am deeply touched that maya said to just come over if i get lonely, and she'd drive me home when i wanted to. oh thanks hb :), i love you. thanks for taking me to dinner last night after i got home from flying all the way from luzon thru the visayas to mindanao, back to the visayas and back to luzon all in six hours. with less than two hours sleep and hardly any food.

fortunately for me, while i was assessing my life in the air, i thought that i really had no loose ends because everyone i love knows that :). and the last person i talked to was dd who rode to the airport with me, thereby upholding perhaps the one personal Christmas tradition I/ we have. We always -- in the last three years, anyway-- go home together.(other Christmas traditions i adhere to existed before i did). in fact, some moments up there, i had to give up worrying because worrying is actually not a choice. i mean it does you no good. i just thought am starting some things that could be good. and i'd really hate for my parents to be sad.

in cebu, i asked people to pray for good weather and safe flight to anywhere, and when my pastor-to-be uncle who had driven all the way to the airport to pick me up, said, "done", that's when i really wanted to start bawling from the shock.

so yes i am spending christmas alone, and happily. today and tonight, i really need the space and the time and the quiet, to be. to be grateful. to celebrate truly. there has probably never even been a christmas before this when i truly felt that where i am is where i should be/ want to be, and where i am is really where i am. i am here.

and it's Christmas.

:)

and tomorrow i fly again :)

and the strange thing is, a few weeks ago, this is exactly how I thought I should/ want to be spending Christmas. Here and in Iloilo till a part of the 26th. God-willing that is, my lola is sure to say. though i tried otherwise.

Happy birthday, big J, and love to the angels who fly with me.

oh, but i love you :)

oh, but i love you :)
even if we can't be together in peace.
i love you like a cold december day.
still, clear, and startling.

tonight, this and that

i want to attend Simbang Gabi at the Gesu, before i go and come back, next year :)

i have a crush on a blogger. a girl. a friend of the one i love :)

i want to go to the Library and come out loaded down with books, before i go and come back, next year :)

i wish me peace :) i wish love for the one i love :) and i wish Friends episodes for Maningning every time the tv comes on ;))

i can feel who i want/ can be. :) none of the bitter crap. more of the joy and the peace and the silence :)

ooooh, i can't wait to be me.

a secret

i have a secret :) i am excited.

i can't wait to be over my problems :)

i have become tired of my problems, and i just can't wait. :)

you and me both, babes

a young girlfriend, 21 to my 33, messaged me the other day. she misses the guy she has set her heart on, and is at a loss as to what to do. she asked, "bakit ganun ate v? bakit takot ang mga lalaki sa atin?"

i gave her lame replies. said we should drink. said too we need to pray over them men. but what, really, could i say? you and me both, babe.

one of you might say (as i have done to other females, many times), that women also need to get their hearts broken, in order to learn to stand on their own two feet. take charge of their own lives. not make their lovelifes their entire happiness. i believe in this because this happened to me.

or how about, being out of a romantic relationship means it's time to appreciate the other things in your life. value and cherish your friendships. spend time with your family. outshine yourself at work. take time for yourself. splurge, enjoy yourself.

or learn to appreciate yourself outside the context of your relationship with others. find happiness within you. you are your center.

or even learn from the heartbreak. accept the pain, soon it will flow thru you and away.

but what if the women we're talking about, are in charge of their lives? what if they too are in love with themselves? :) what if they are developing their talents and potentials, appreciate and value their non-romantic intimate relationships with others? what if they have an inner spirituality that shines thru?

that is why they know they would like to be in an intimate romantic relationship, with another. just because?

and so? and yet the men they meet, have gotten to know, love, want to be with, are scared. they still have their paths to take, have much to learn. they didn't grow up learning to be connecting with others, or valuing those connections. some of them get an idea what it would be like, that it could be good. some never do, growing up half-blind.

what to do then? you and me both babe.

we have to teach the little boys that love is good. for our daughters' daughters.

*******************

in the meantime, another young friend, male, 25 to my 33, wails in the middle of a cold December night, i want to die. i don't want to wake up tomorrow.

psssht, i scold, your life is precious.

eat ice cream, i advise. give the universe another chance to show you love.

i don't know, he grumbles some more.

what? you giving in to pain? i retort and roll my eyes. he says, yes, yes, nobody loves me anyway.

i say, many more wonderful women exist. you will survive this.

i say to myself, you have to survive this. men who value connection are precious and few. and while there are those like you that exist, there's hope.

was that chocolate ice cream you wanted? i wave the spoon in front of his head.

juday

don't give up on us, the new movie starring piolo pascual and judy ann santos, is opening on january 8, 2006.

LOL.

p.s. wait, wait, why is a movie opening on a Sunday????

slow burn ;)

christmas countdown:

thursday -- took out the christmas tree and set it on side table; assembled the cutie christmas tree music box (thanks mum!)

friday -- wrapped first christmas gift for 2005 and gave it to g.

saturday -- wrapped four gifts; wrote two cards

20 random thangs

tagged by chester ;)

1. my peeing is scandalously loud, especially in a toilet where you can hear a pin drop.

2. some of the things that soothe me: a) searching for psychological literature online for my papers (it REALLY soothes me! eeek geek) b) but then lots of kabutingtingan soothe me :), c) also, the corrs soothe me

3. i really really really want love. the myth. maybe. lol.

4. i am undoubtedly a shoeholic. especially when sad. you might want to know how many new pairs i acquired from oct-nov-dec. but i might not tell :P

5. i love love love the people i love ;). but i have a bitchy streak. few things escape my notice. but that's ok, i might not point it out, and besides, this includes taking note of myself too :D

6. i need my sleep. period :D. when i want to sleep, nothing can move me, not even the threat of losing my job. i'll sleep on it first, and problematize later. hehehe.

7. it's embarassing how shy i still am :D even when i've learned to be self-assertive. wahahahaha.

8. my mother is the person who loves me most and loves me best :) (huhuhu)

9. i miss (insert certain activity here ;) you know mwehehehe ;)

10. i think my biggest weakness is that i think i'm better than many people :). a little more humility and openness wouldn't hurt!

11. i still have sooooooo much to learn.

12. i think that left to my own devices, i could really learn to cook well :P

13. i am scared that all my past wishes will come true, long after they were made, and just when they are no longer relevant!

14. i want to write a psych book, write a psych column, do psych research, do psych therapy :)

15. i grew up thinking i am ms. universe :P

16. i currently love yellow and green (shades of bryan); i used to love pink and orange (shades of me and that other capricorn). also i think i am on the brink of rediscovering purple.

17. i have a whole other 20 random stuff list that are in my notebook

18. i love to eat :D. yesterday i had this thing for garlic and cheese pizza. yum yum.

19. this is my year for finally learning to finish papers i need to write, and books i'm reading. now i have to work on the "on time" part :D

20. i plan to get a Phd, so help me Goddess. and marry a man who wants to love --as in verb, and as in commitment -- me... so help him Goddess :D

it's either

am busy and stressed about it.

or i'm just sad. with free time.

new stories

What stories are you tired of telling, Andrea asks.

Even to yourself, what stories are tired and trite, and makes even your fixated self want to move on and create new thoughts, new stories, a new life. A new joy.

I am tired of the story that nobody I want wants me.

oversleeping

Ay!

s: Mig, na-miss na kita
s: lagaw ta bala
s: gusto mo magpa makati buwas?
themundaneandthedivine: hehehehe
themundaneandthedivine: may exam ko buwas
themundaneandthedivine: ngaa sa makati haw? may ano to?
s: ngek! hagaron ko tani ikaw maupod sa anti-gats rally bwas sa makati...heheheh
themundaneandthedivine: hihihihi


at heto pang sa'yo, vv. Whoppow!

Disagreements
Valid during several weeks: Normally this influence is quite favorable for all forms of communication, for getting around and getting in touch with people. Your mind moves quite quickly and cannot stand being idle. This influence makes you eager to exchange ideas with others, and you may feel like sitting and chatting with someone all day, if he or she is interesting enough. But the drive of this energy is such that you may waste a good deal of time chattering to yourself and not really accomplishing much of anything. While it is quite easy to express yourself under this influence, do not expect everyone to agree with you necessarily, especially if you talk so much that others feel they will never get a chance to say anything. They may disagree with you just to make you pause and listen to them.


The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mercury Square Ascendant
activity period from end of October 2005 until 15 December 2005.

sheep

my halfhearted super-guilty sticker effort

themundaneandthedivine: yup. ingat. catch you maybe before christmas?
themundaneandthedivine: or after the new year
Codykins: shift ko mamayang 2am pa pero i'm thinking of sleeping sa office na lang and waking up at 1:30am
Codykins: YEZ
Codykins: before x'mas
Codykins: let's have hot choco
themundaneandthedivine: sige ba
Codykins: hot choco and lots of chika
themundaneandthedivine: mag starbucks tayo para magka sticker naman ang aking planner card
Codykins: i already have 2
Codykins: hahahaha
themundaneandthedivine: 2 stickers? me 4 hehehehe
Codykins: me and my neoliberal (evil) self
Codykins: charity
Codykins: naku, parang di ka galing sa (insert name of NGO here)
Codykins: how come u already have 4?
Codykins: teeheeeheee
Codykins: joke lang
themundaneandthedivine: wag ka B... S only needs 7 na lang!!!!!!
Codykins: LOL
themundaneandthedivine: and so does B!
Codykins: OMG!
themundaneandthedivine: their excuse is they have meetings at starbucks
Codykins: what's happening to the world
Codykins: kaya talagang di mananalo ang revo e
Codykins: CHARITY!
Codykins: hmpf
themundaneandthedivine: hihihihi
Codykins: hehehe
Codykins: well, i really have to go
Codykins: i miss u
Codykins: ttyl
Codykins: mmwah
themundaneandthedivine: take care

fart

A critical eye
Valid during several weeks: During this time you are concerned with one area that others might consider rather abstract, and that is your identity. You tend to dwell on your sense of personal isolation, loneliness, difficulties in relationships and other depressing thoughts. Clearly you need a dose of positive thinking and cheering up. It is important to remember that your troubles are probably more apparent than real, no matter how real or significant they seem. Assuming that you can control your negative thinking, this influence does give you the advantage of a sharp, critical eye. You can see what is wrong with a situation immediately and make the necessary changes to correct it then and there. But don't dwell on the flaws, just note and correct them.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mercury Opposition Saturn exact at 07:19
activity period from end of October 2005 until 13 December 2005.

;)) my astrodienst forecast almost had me in tears again. fart, it is so true. but yes, it's supposed to end tomorrow! mwahahahaha! me and my tiny amusements. this, plus a resolve to wear yellow and lavender tomorrow. unless i change my mind ;)

whatever.

did I ..?

Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you?

statistics and updates

1. i only have 7 more people to go on the christmas list. i'm done with about 25. over the top i know hahahaha. i can't help it though. anyway, i slaved over the water project just for this specific pleasure :)

2. i worked yesterday for six-seven hours, and came up with five pages. lol. i have about three more to go.

3. it's official. on my third semester, i have a subject and a teacher i dislike :). can't all be good, can they? :D

4. looking at 3D dinosaurs is fun! i wish i were my inaanak :P (no, not you aemon :P)

5. i have a new "job." i have no idea what it pays but it's for two of my favorite teachers, and is parttime and work at home. i remember saying last sem, my next parttime activity should be in a research project with my teachers. how cool is that. thanks :D! i appreciate it.

6. these days i feel like i'm already on the last month of the semester. my week's all screwed up (no official weekend), and it's just one task after the other, often all at the same time.

7. i'm so glad nene won :D (if you don't know what i mean, it won't hurt you)

8. i need the snail mail addresses of the following: ate nina, tita eds... email me.

9. i was going to put up the Christmas tree today (it's about one and a half feet tall hahahaha, put down maybe) but alas it's on with the RRL, and three articles.

10. UNANG YANIG: our baby (my abandoned baby ;)) ) Welga ng Kababaihan marched last Thursday! and chester's voice was all over Plaza Miranda. hahaha, that was funny chester ;)

11. i am going on another date with myself on thursday :). i can't wait.

12. before that, i have countless errands, an exam, and psych tests to accomplish.

13. but hey, my groupmates and i created our own friendship scale. at least i get to do my personal research "agenda". and if the class is bleah, group work is finally fun.

14. i have to go now! :D hope your week is happy. hope HK isn't too cold for all those WTO activists out there ;) yes, make it as difficult as possible for all those profit-happy power players!

world peace

CONFLICT RESOLUTION
The most important marital interaction pattern considered by researchers in the past decade is the demand/withdraw pattern (Bradbury, Fincham, & Beach, 2000). Typically the wife demands change and emotional closeness and the husband avoids or disengages from this process. The husband’s level of withdrawal is positively related to the wife’s level of demand (Heavey, Christensen, & Malamuth, 1995; Klinetob & Smith, 1996). This pattern is negatively related to marital satisfaction at early, middle, and later stages of relationships (Belsky & Kelly, 1994; Carstensen, Gottman, & Levenson, 1995; Cohan & Bradbury, 1997; Gottman, Coan, Carrere, & Swanson, 1998), which eventually leads to failed marriages (Gottman, 1991; Pasch & Bradbury, 1998). In contrast, the attempt to resolve conflicts, including the seemingly negative argument between partners, contributes greatly to marital satisfaction (Gottman, 1994, 1991; Roberts, 2000). Partners display mutual positive engagement by doing the following: disclosing their feelings and positions; compromising and negotiating by seeking areas of agreement; integrating the other’s opinions; and expressing their caring and empathy during conflict resolution (see Christensen & Pasch, 1993, for a review). These behaviors promote mutual understanding, enable partners to develop and deepen their relationships, help maintain feelings toward partners, encourage couples to weigh and select a positive manner to convey messages, and encourage the other to remain engaged during conflict resolution (Fowers, 1998).

from The Association Between Adult Attachment Styles and Conflict Resolution in Romantic Relationships by Lin Shi in The American Journal of Family Therapy, 2003

stressed

that's me. i have too many things to do. eurgh.

ayon kay gingmaganda :D

but i think nahanap ko na yung true love. at hindi siya ganun ka-exciting at ka-swoony kagaya ng mga honeymoon stage ng relationships. true love is more solid, more stable. true love is always forgiving. true love never turns you away. true love is always there, like a comfortable wall na alam mong hindi ka ilelet down. (now my grammar has gone haywire). true love feels afraid but still pushes on. true love never says sorry. true love says i am just here for you no matter what. cool lang tayo, mahal kita.

BISITAHIN SI GING.

back to the books

A growing number of theorists have suggested that many men experience a psychic woundedness related to overly harsh disidentification, separation/ individuation issues (Bergman, 1995; Betcher & Pollack, 1995; Blazina, 1997; Chodorow, 1978; Pollack, 1998) and gender role socialization (O'Neil etal., 1986; Pleck, 1981). It comes in part from the traditional message that boys' separation/individuation process is synonymous with and implies disavowing needing others. These boys feel the strain of gender role conflict even at this young age when they are mandated to renounce yearnings for unmet emotional needs and instead portray themselves as solely self-reliant. From this, psychic wounds arise in part from the empathic failures of caregivers regarding gender identity issues, ranging from mild misunderstandings to harsh punishment and rejection for dependent "nonmasculine" behaviors. We believe the gender role conflicted male is fueled by, yet vigorously defended against, the resulting fragility he feels. The psyche's response to this dilemma of needing others versus being solely self-sufficient is to fragment in order to accommodate both disparate perspectives. This leaves the self weakened and in need of defensive bolstering.

from the journal article Separation/Individuation, Parental Attachment, and Male Gender Role Conflict: Attitudes Toward the Feminine and the Fragile Masculine Self
by Blazina, and Watkins, Jr., p. 163 in the Psychology of Men & Masculinity
2000, Vol. I, No. 2.

p.s. kawawa naman little boys! can you imagine being forced to be "stoic" and non-emotional because men are supposed to be "strong" that way?! sheesh kebab.

trivia question

Q: when do YOU think I will ever finish sorting and putting away my stuff in my house? (does not include fixing the house, just my stuff in my house ;))

A: NEVER ;))

buang

i've had this running streak where i become a bit hysterical every two weeks so. that's the number of days i can go around roaming on my leash, peacefully enough some days, before my inner boss jerks me back, growling, fangs bared.

RRRR-ARRFFF!

***

in hiding

this am i was woken up by a man on a ladder on the lamppost having a very loud conversation with the guy in front of my gate -- both from the cable company. i asked, what do you want? they said, we're from the cable company. i asked again, what do you want? they didn't say so i drew back the curtains and went back to bed.

they were having some kind of line and signal check, and from their conversation, i gathered they wanted to check the signal we were getting on our tv, and began knocking on my gate again.

they wanted the moon. they wanted me to wake up fully, get dressed properly, brush my teeth, get downstairs, let them in for five minutes? oh c'mon, they can survive without me and my tv.

so they knocked and knocked and had this discussion that yes, there was someone inside, she had appeared in the window. but no, there was no budging me.

***

in my secret life (codename: rafaella. hahaha, joke!), i would be spending christmas somewhere i don't usually spend it, get married in april, and watch a lot of great movies in dark theaters. hehehehe.

can't decide about the capitals

hello, love,

have you ever read carol shields? she's beautiful. in her novel Unless:

It is not true that people in long marriages dissolve into each other, becoming one being. I touch Tom's elbow, the sleeve of his tan jacket; he places his long arms around me and his hands cup my breasts in the friendliest possible way. We are two people in a snapshot, but with a little cropping we could each exist on our own. But that's not what we want. Hold the frame still, contain us, the two of us together, that's what we ask for. This is all it takes to keep the world from exploding.

the above is a bad excerpt for Unless which is really about the character Reta Winter's (Summer is her single name) grief over her daughter's grief at discovering that the world limits her merely to goodness, and not greatness.

a quiet novel. (thanks mom)

***

roommie and I are planning a trip to England.

England for me has often been a place of comfort. I schedule it at the end of heartbreak, or to experience deadly diseases like chicken pox. (I apologize once again to the two Dutch souls I sat next to on the plane; I was unaware I had chicken pox). And while I have sat on trains, going home to the northwest part, quiet for a few days or a few hours and deeply disappointed, I have not had my heart broken in England. Also while I have sat in darkened rooms at dawn lonely and cold and chatting with friends far away, Cadbury always managed to revive me.

and mom.

hehe :)

happy meal(s)

i tried to skirt around it
ignored it for days
skipped away

didn't want to think
too much about it

but it hasn't gone away
i can't help it

i feel rejected
and i want to be alone

so i can face it
eat it, and
swallow.

***

on the other hand,
i know what i want
and i want what i know

i have had sinigang
five times in seven days
but not in a row ;)

shoe drive

the right to information :P :D

1. HB - 5
2. dd - 5.5
3. tita eds - 5.5
4. vv - 6
5. rudie - 6 to 6.5
6. ate jo - 6.5
7. sabs - 6.5 to 7
8. yenina - 7
9. roommie - 8
10. j witch - 8
11. magya - 8.5 to 9

shoe driver

"i don't believe in spotless sneakers, i don't believe in spotless sneakers," i murmured in my head as i "toothbrushed" my brown sneakers.

am all sho(e)ok up

today's my weekend and i can be shallow

as a shtoedent on the run and on the walk, the easiest way to go is sneakered or slippered :P bounce is my motto as it's a long way thru those wooded paths out the gate over the pedestrian pass and to my ride home.

add the school books and occasional fiolo factor, and there's no way to survive on those pretty lil high heels. believe me, i've looked enviously at some classmates' jeans-and-heels getup but i don't want to be crippled.

at least it doesn't rain as much these days.

so i've put together my shtoedent shoes on what i call the funky shelf :D. i try to make up for the comfort with amazing colors hehehe.

to the right of funky is classic. i am in crush with pumps and i recognize that these are the best months for wearing closed shoes so i've also put those together for easier access, and as a reminder to wear when possible.

below classic are the high heels. sorry dudettes but there's hope with christmas get-togethers.

to the right of classic are the rain shoes -- or footwear to stay high and dry when it's pouring. below those are other chinelases and step-ins, awaiting summer.

darling meryl

when the lights came on, he asked me why so I seemed very into the movie. without answering, i asked, so what happened, did they end up together? seems not, we both shrugged.

the man in his fifties further along our row sang softly to the closing credits music: I sincerely want to say/ I wish you bluebirds in the spring/
To give your heart a song to sing/ And then a kiss, but more than this/
I wish you love/

we stood up at last, lingering the way a good movie bids you do. i said, let's grab a bite. he said, ok.

i simply remember

Brown paper packages
Tied up with string

[Wild geese that fly with
The moon on their wings]

These are a few of
My favorite things

very funny ;))

right. you have to let me do this for you guys. you, me and fiolo together. let me do your star matrix for you. it's hilarious.

among the things that you can find out are from your universe (the people around you), who are most like you? unlike you? most like each other? from the way you perceive them of course, so it's very subjective. which is the entire point :D

also, you can see who you perceive to be the most masculine, the most feminine, and even the traits that you see as masculine or feminine.

also, who you love? who you hate?

also, you can map out everyone into the good, the bad, and the beautiful.

for starters, i've found out i am most like most intelligent person (gemini sister of the coven ;), employer (Capricorn ex-boss), and others i can't quite remember but you get the drift. wahahahahaha hilarious ;)) scary women all.

my ideal self is like most successful person -- my favorite teacher last semester which makes sense.

lover is somewhere in the middle of people like and unlike me.

let's have fun, shall we :D

no i'm not fine but here i am :)

dear tita eds,

salamat nga pala sa pagtext mo. hayaan mo naiisip din at naintindihan kita. alam kong malungkot talaga ang pagbalot ng dilim sa paligid at ang lamig na nanunuot hanggang ... hanggang sa pag-inom ng isa pang tasa ng hot chocolate. (teka lang, nilalagay nga ba sa tasa ang hot choco, o sa mug lang talaga yon dapat ilagay? :P) hayaan mo at sabay na naman tayong nalulungkot. ikaw dahil sa pagkawala ng init ng araw, ako dahil ... sa wakas ay nahanap at naisuot ko na ang aking hinahanap na sapatos :P. noong nandito ka ay tsinelas, ngayong wala ka ay sapatos naman. salamat na lamang sa aking dalawang paa. ewan ko na lang kung hindi dahil sa paa, baka tuhod o tenga ang mapag-trippan :P.

huhuhu sana'y nandito ka. samahan mo kong tumunganga sa katahimikan, maglakad ng maglakad hanggang sa Pasko na. tapos? tapos wala lang, eh di Pasko na :P. bilhan natin ng bagel ang iyong pinakamamahal at polo na tama ang sukat ng haba. hehehe.

ok ba yon? ;)

nagmamahal,

tita vv

p.s. kasalukuyan akong umiinom ng hot chocolate na nasa ... BASO :D hehehehe.

a long lingering tale mostly of no consequence except to me

a few weeks ago i told myself to buy myself a book on the enneagram for christmas. i've been curious for the longest time what enneagram type i am. i wanted to take the enneagram class last summer but duties and responsibilities hindered me from doing so (I REALLY WANTED TO). and teachers last semester kept bringing the enneagram up.

today i got this sudden hankering for fuschia sneakers. especially because i wore this powder blue dress. (don't mind the frivolity too much, i genuinely need a break these days.)

so i fixed my route to include the mall, and stopped at six stores that could have possibly carried those fuschia sneakers but they didn't have it in my size. on my way to store three, i went past a book sale, glanced at the window, and doubled back in one second. one enneagram book for sale for P290 (brand new ones sell for P800 up). with a nice fuschia cover. (nice touch eh?)

four shoe stores after the book purchase, i sat down for a bite, sans shoes, and started reading. i read very quickly, i was due at school and was in a hurry to discover my enneagram type. ran off to school wondering why while i could relate with some types i read, there didn't seem to be one that was mostly me -- the good the bad and the beautiful, so to speak ;).

tonight, i KNOW it. at the very end of the checklists and the descriptions, i am type one. i know it even more from reading the recommendations for type one personalities. i'm sure you'll agree :D here goes some of "my journey" (from Understanding the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso):

1. Learn to relax. Take some time for yourself, without feeling that everything is up to you or that what you do not accomplish will result in chaos and disaster. Mercifully, the salvation of the world does not depend on you alone, even though you may sometimes feel it does.

2. You have a lot to teach others and are probably a good teacher, but do not expect others to change immediately. What is obvious to you may not be as obvious to them, especially if they are not used to being as self-disciplined and objective about themselves as you are about yourself. ...

3. It is easy for you to work yourself up into a lather about the wrongdoings of others. And it may sometimes be true that they are wrong. But what is it to you? ...

4. Your Achilles' heel is your self-righteous anger. You get angry easily and are offended by what seems to you to be the perverse refusal of others to do the right thing -- as you have defined it. ...

5. One of the most difficult things for Ones is to learn to allow people to be as they are and to come to decisions on their own. ...

at their best, Type Ones become The Wise Realists practicing tolerance. At their worst, they are The Punitive Avengers (with seven other levels in between).

*************

here are some recommendations for Type Fours:

1. always remember that your feelings are telling you something about yourself as you are at this particular moment, not necessarily more than that.
2. avoid putting off things until you are "in the right mood." commit yourself to productive meaningful work that will contribute to your good and that of others, no matter how small the contribution may be.
3. self-esteem and self-confidence will develop only from having positive experiences, whether or not you believe that you are ready to have them. therefore put yourself in the way of good. commit yourself to something that will be good for you.
4. avoid lengthy conversations in your imagination, particularly if they are negative, resentful or even excessively romantic. these conversations are essentially unreal ... instead of spending time imagining your life and relationships, begin to live them.
5. talk openly with someone you trust. ... you need both to express your feelings spontaneously and to have someone react honestly. you may well discover that you are not as different or as much of an outsider as you sometimes feel you are. paradoxically, one of the surest ways of "finding yourself" is by being in a relationship with someone else.

womanity/ witches

Hermione burst into tears.

'There's nothing to cry about!' Harry told her, bewildered.

'You two are so stupid!' she shouted, stamping her foot on the ground, tears splashing down her front. Then, before either of them could stop her, she had given both of them a hug, and dashed away, now positively howling.

'Barking,' said Ron, shaking his head. 'Harry, c'mon, they'll be putting up your scores ...'

-- the Goblet of Fire

ay!

brownman revival makes me laugh ;)). tara let's (wish it need not be at X though, that's like inhaling pure smoke.)

INTRO
Uno, dos, tres, kwatro


CHORUS
Lintik na pag-ibig
Parang kidlat
Puso kong tahimik na naghihintay
Bigla mong ginulat


'Di ko man lang napansin ang iyong pagdating
Daig mo pa ang isang bagyong namuo sa malayo
Ihip ng hangin biglang nag-iba
Sinundan pa ng kulog at kidlat
Sa biglang buhos ng iyo sa akin
Ako'y napakanta


[Repeat CHORUS twice]


Mga halik mo't mga lambing, inuulan mo sa akin
Binabaha, binabagyo na ako ng iyong mga cariño
Nananaginip ba ako nang gising
Ay, tinamaan ng magaling
Nadali mo ang puso ko ng iyong kidlat


[Repeat CHORUS twice]


AD LIB
Lintik, lintik, woh woh woh
Parang kidlat


[Repeat 2nd Stanza]
[Repeat CHORUS twice]


Lintik, lintik, woh woh woh
Parang kidlat

please show up

your presence is important :)

there's also a politics to presence, the politics of showing up.

for instance, my big boss of two weeks, almost hyperventilating from his work anxieties, wanted me to be there in his presence working away on this one particular day. though i wanted to indulge him just to reassure him that everyone was on top of the paper including me, i wasn't free that entire afternoon, so i walked past his frown and out the gate.

(i was sure though that the world would continue to turn without me that afternoon... i had done my part, and it was the others' turn, and i would be back on track the next day.)

but i understood -- having learned this the hard way long ago -- that sometimes it's necessary or diplomatic or reassuring or political to be there. or at least let others know where you're at and how. if, for no other reason than to make them feel better :D.

whilst

sounds like a combination shush-and-pssst (shut up but take notice....wwwwwhhhilllssst)

whilst is the one word i have as yet to think to use in all that i have written in my decades of existence in the wide wide world... whilst :D

whist i may not have done so, "whilst" was the favorite word of the bevy of writers that came together to work on the synthesis report of ngo's to this zerten bank on its policy on tubeeeeeeeeg (as in "tubeeeeeeg, ano ba iyan wala na namang tubeeeeeg." or "tubeeeeg ang mahal na ng tubeeeeeeg.").

so there. whilst there were the many who helped in bits and pieces, after sitting in front of Fiolo laftaf for 13 hours straight, more or less excepting the times i got water, coffee, gobbled dinner, and went to the "washroom", i found myself at three in the morning typing THE VERY LAST PARAGRAPHS that were being debated, discussed and dictated to me by three MEN, one sri lankan (amusing), one british (bright), and one dutch (my favorite).

and the punchline is, just at that particular moment, they were brainstorming the ngo recommedations on gender.

wahahahahaha. three dedicated men and the braindead feminist typist. ;))

"frendz"

roommie arrives. dumps bag. "want some food for the gods?"

"no thanks."

roommie (didn't hear my answer): "i bought it as my Christmas gift to you."

me (louder, with conviction): "NO."

what food for the gods? wahahahaha ;))material girl.

********

in retaliation, universe sends me an email:

Only our true friends tell us when we have a dirty face.
Sicilian quote

yes. that's what today's futureminder email said to me. wahahahaha.

********

true friends know when a song is your song. thanks for the download, dd ;)!

********

p.s. errr, akira, i disagree. i don't think having issues with the term "manhole" is hardcore feminism. maybe OC (like your wiping the wet table thang that i do too to my amusement) but not hardcore, no. now, if only men only fell down manholes! ooops, maybe that's hardcore feminism? hahahaha. man-hatred, more like. :)

kabilugan ng buwan

elegantly_wastedlady: eto po-ako inaaliw ko sarili ko at nalulungkot ako
themundaneandthedivine: sige aaliwin kita ng mga kalungkutan ko
themundaneandthedivine: hmmm nakakaaliw ba yon?

dear ms. elegant,

naalala mo yong librong binabasa ko once upon a boracay? (naalala ko ang mga bakasyon dahil sa mga librong binabasa ko habang gumagala). yong tungkol sa mag best friend tapos binabasa ko pa nga sa inyo habang tayo'y nakahilata sa puting buhangin ang mga nakakatuwang bahagi. katulad ng pagkuwento ng main character kung paano siya pinalaki ng dalawang babae -- ang nanay niya at tita niya at kung paano magkaibang magkaiba ang magkapatid pero natutunan niya sa dalawa ang kanyang mga kailangan matutunan tungkol sa buhay at sa kanyang sarili? at di ba natuwa din ako sa kung paano niya pinakilala ang kanyang asawa dahil sinamahan niya ito ng kuwentong astrology?

naging absorbing masyado ang nobelang yon dahil naging malagkit at masalimuot ang istorya simula sa bandang gitna. naalala ko kasi doon sa huli kung paano hirap na hirap siyang ipaliwanag sa asawa niya kung paano nahihirapan siya sa tuwing tila pumapasok sa black hole ang kanyang partner at nakaiwan siyang nakatanga. iniiba iba niya ang kanyang reaksyon. merong nagiging malambing, merong nagagalit, merong pabaya, merong tila hinahatak niya muli ang kanyang asawa sa agos at daloy ng buhay. naintindihan niya ang asawa niya pero ang gusto niya lang sabihin, may sinisingil din sa kanyang kalakasan ang mga ganoong pagkawala, at kung sana lang, huwag naman lagi, o di kaya'y huwag na lang. siya kasi ang sumasalo, siyempre kailangan may sasalo, at kahit papaano may hinihinging bawi ang mga ganitong kaganapan. may bumibigay din doon sa nagbibigay.

nagustuhan ko kasi ang nobelang yon. naalala ko siya sa ngayon. naalala ko rin na pinabasa ko sa yo iyon at sabi mo, nagustuhan mo rin.

nagmamahal,

mundane

just a thought

under construction:

in the process of
rearranging recreating our minds
our hearts our bodies
our very cells minutest of personal details
our spaces our time our lists
in order to accomodate, errrrr, embrace
each other. to be like
velcro: detachable/attachable. careful,
souls are silk, and velcro has ruined many of my bikinis.

thank the angels.

Too many ILYs in one bad poem

I love you
says my spirit but I hesitate to say,
so soon after an altercation,
where it could be: released:
one, grease for the pan, ingredient for smoothing over
or two, blackmail for peace a bribe for renewed affection.

Not that.
Not now anyhow.

I love you.

Like the smell that wafts from freshly baked banana bread (mmmm);

Like my smile on overhearing something funny,
the child chasing his sibling down the carless street, screaming mali ka! mali ka! (the judgments one so young learns to make!)

Or my taxi driver and I grimly amused on hearing the radio announce a rally exactly where we’re going
(but I knew, I was, in reality, going there; just that taxis have been known to refuse on hearing that street name, what more with a rally there).
Or how when we got there, the traffic flowed, all’s well and everybody’s happy: rallyists, driver, moi.

I love you: the child’s singsong voice, when he’s freshly scrubbed and ready for school when the sun rose in the East barely an hour ago (oh what do I know).

But that it is so.

hmmmp.

i am seriously disappointed.

my bid for geekdom has been temporarily thwarted!

HA!

double HA! (haha!?! lol ;)) )

generally, i got grades a step lower than expected, so i probably have a better opinion of myself. hehehehe!

but anyway, for the record (LOL), it's A-, B+, A-, and an A, according to my sked last semester. and the thing i am most happy about is the A, of course :D. i think i predicted an A, A-, A and A-. ;))

as for other letters, congrats to the cheerers and cheerleaders of yesterday's O-U-S-T pep rally. what a pretty lively sight! :D

as for still other letters, i really like being de facto team member (often without my knowledge hehehe!) over there at C-A-T-W. looking forward to 2006 with you ;) (HB take note).

o siya lalalala, i have to earn more money to buy more tsinelas, and carry out my geek girl campaign. i leave you with vika's words of consolation: "Haha ok na yan, d rin naman cool matawag na straight A student. :)"

*insert bitter laughter here*

;))

you know it's a 'war'

situation when, despite my vast humongous bed, and the dusty single beside it, i pull the folding tokyo bed into the bedroom, open it, dress it up, and lie down to rest my eyes.

this all means, all the papers i need (plus whatnot) are spread out on the vast humongous bed and i am seriously out of time, inclination, energy to move my papers off it to rest a bit because i am needing to stay up thru the night, and get on with this long winding story of how projects in the water sector in various Asian countries have failed.

i am seriously serious. lol. i am remaking several years' worth of karma tonight, i swear ;)

immersed in the world of Carol Shields (to distract me from unbelievable ADB hypocrisies)

"Thank you for releasing me from your loins," my middle daughter, Christine, said to me today, October twelfth, which happens to be her seventeenth birthday.

Loins. Where had she got a word like loins? "It's from Tom Wolfe's novel," she explained. "It means uterus. Or else womb."

She was standing in the kitchen and eating a breakfast of leftover pizza and washing it down with a mug of apple juice.

"You're welcome," I said, and then, to keep the rhythm of our conversation going, I added, "It was a pleasure."

-- excerpt from UNLESS, by Carol Shields (a lovely book btw)

Happy Birthday today to my first and only daughter, and sister, (hehehe), DUNI TAMARI. Those born on the 8's are somewhat espeyshal :D.

afraid

Back to Rhonda with the ringlets :) (yes, when Starting Over moved from Chicago to LA, life coach Rhonda started sporting ringlets. A bit disconcerting but hey, idol ;)) )

You know how it is, you started reading a book a few days back, set it aside, and then something rises to the surface in your full glass of water :P. In Fearless Loving, Rhonda starts by saying everyone lives in fear, and loves from fear. She asks, what are your fears about love? In effect, what are your myths about love?

Me: I love but I am always afraid that love will willfully hurt me. Like there you (I) am, loving, open, vulnerable, and love (your lover) turns around and bites you in the butt (buttbites you). I am always afraid of being surprised like that, so, often, particularly after bad moments (bad moments are bound to happen anyway, whether intentionally, unconsciously, accidentally or synchronously), I will say to myself, wag na lang. And withhold my love. Or try to anyway. Which could be a good or bad thing depending on the person I love, but especially if it’s a good person who loves me, withholding my love and trust just ends up hurting me and loved one.

A lot of this fear came from my experience with most difficult ex, where we would get together, and we’d be happy, and I’d be happy and trusting. And then a few hours later, or a day, or a week, I’d be with a gf, and this gf would know some things that bf did, and the house of cards would once again come toppling down. And the things that ex-bf did weren’t things that were or could have just been mis-read. He really did cheat on me, he was always hurting what we had, was very often bad, no ifs or buts.

I got used to hearing bad news, became expert at taking it calmly, suspending reaction, going on with my daily life. (And who sees how your spirit bleeds? Sometimes not even yourself.)

And before anyone goes and says, well it was my fault after all, I should have known better, blah blah blah blah, you should know that one shouldn’t be tried and executed for trying, trying again, going out on a limb, hoping, blah blah blah. After all, love is a process, it takes two to tango--- in this case, two plus plus plus -- and I eventually learned or as what often happens, was forced to learn :). Also, on hindsight, in the tradition that Rhonda is trying to spread, he was obviously operating from a lot of fear. More fear than I ever, would ever live with, coming also from his experiences of love and life.

But my point in bringing up the deader than dead past (alleluia) is that such experiences can very powerfully shape one’s notions and fears of love, and can greatly influence how one proceeds with life and relationships. Sometimes without me seeing it, it’s like I’m walking forward but with arms raised warding off imaginary blows. Which as you can imagine, is not a very joyful way of walking.

Remembering all this now makes me understand again what I am afraid of, why I’m afraid of bad news (because in the past, bad news came and hurt me), and why I am most leery of opening my arms wide for an embrace, and being willfully, intentionally, or thoughtlessly hurt still.

To each his or her own crosses, but we must rise :).

on the subject of matter

Rosie Spence lit a cigarette. "I used to come here sometimes with the man who was kind. He loved me -- I think now he did. I didn't see that then -- but I didn't see then how I could matter to anyone. D'you understand?"

- Mr. Golightly, by Sally Vickers

when my subconscious sings, i listen ;)

Still in all I'm happy
The reason is, you see
Once in a while along the way
Love's been good to me.

flowers for you

the Diego workshop at the Fourth Young Men's Camp. Each graduate got a certificate, and a flower. hehe.

search and rescue

on flights back from CDO, the hands that lug the baggage look out for escaping lanzones :D



and so did we


ALL GONE.

i learned

1. dear mum, after nine months, i finally took the time to learn to use the dustbuster. hehehe! in fact, i was holding fiolo laftaf upside down while chatting with roommie while using the dustbuster on it (not the world's wisest maneuver but fast). thanks for it :D

2. i've just learned that roommie was actually an ENGINEERING STUDENT for a year before she became a psycho. wahahaha, the things you don't know when you're preoccupied with your lovelife :D pity, i like women engineers.

3. i learned one other thing, i swear, but i forgot already :D

and, besides

the only reason i get so frustrated is because i want to be in a loving relationship with you. yes, you ralph macchio. yes, you johnny depp. (gotcha! ;) ... and besides in someone's laboratory, someone was seriously torn between patrick of the opera, and john high fidelity hehehe)

unfortunately, it can't be just on my terms. (sigh, that would make it all so much easier, hahahaha). nor yours. we have to make up our common terms. maybe we should have a business meeting. hahahaha. sit down and find something we can agree on, so each one takes and finds offense at less things in the future.

but it's true though. i do want to be in a loving relationship with you. can you see it? ;) can you feel it? ;) i mean, a loving relationship? :)

i spy with my mind's little eye ;))

a scary girl like me

aaaaaaaaaarggggghhh. this is a bitchy post, be warned.

i've had our "general" cleaner, the electrician and the plumber over in the last few days, and i'm just about tired of them all. introvert girl always has to work up energy and motivation to be able to sustain having to supervise many people in her own home, also called the place of rest and quiet where may it please me not to have to talk to a single soul for hours on end. i mean they're all nice but it's trying to "have people" for several days even if it's for my purposes such as a cleaner leak-proof house with lights. hahahaha.

(plus, i talked with the engineer again today after successfully avoiding contact for probably a year now, and he still doesn't listen. hahaha. probably his antenna was up -- uh-oh, there's this girl again who hates my guts).

i've also been bouncing from cleaning, to reading, to examining my conscience (must get to my nice racket NOW) and while i'm picking up some good tips and thoughts from Starting Over coach Rhonda in her book Fearless Love, it's also adding to my frustration (mostly because I wanted the book to solve my problems for me :D hahaha, but I discover that I already know a lot of what's in it, and think I'm living many of the ideas already. not all though. hahahaha)

anyway, now i know (as if i didn't) that i really want the 2 C's and 1 R. yes, i think only commitment, communication, and responsibility will work. commitment because with all the growing up that each person has to do in this life, and all the personal stuff that gets tickled when in relationship with another, it will really need commitment (stick-to-it-iveness) to be able to make progress (or rather a loving life and better persons). otherwise, a hundred fresh starts will do you no good. because people are "comprehensive" (hahahaha) -- they are never just wonderful, they're also annoying as hell. while you may want to cuddle with them 7 times out of ten, three times you want to throw them out the window. and the gap time may just be seconds. (oh yeah, i forgot the times when you don't really feel too strongly one way or the other -- to chuck or to hug, that is the question.) so only commitment ensures you're there for the comprehensive education program it often becomes (while joyful, fun and funny, also often boring, tiresome, and despite your best efforts, you may not often get good grades)

communication too because our ESP powers aren't as yet fully developed, and while there are a thousand ways to relate, direct, kind, loving and mutual communication makes up the bigger chunk of relationship. otherwise, if you weren't communicating, you would in fact be, by yourself, or with others. not together, in relationship. or more specifically, while i enjoy sharing about myself, and appreciate being remembered, it is not a relationship if you don't share about you.

and third responsibility. while i do many things wrong, it takes responsibility to realize that i don't really "do" those things to you. i don't make you feel what you feel, or make you react the way you do. it's you and your experience or your stuff that does that, not me. so, take responsibility. i am innocent.

and damn it, vice versa.

:P

super tired

aaaaaaargh. have been at work the whole day, sorting and filing my papers.

ALL MY PSYCH PAPERS ARE NOW FULLY SORTED, FILED, and dutifully STORED to keep away from dust, just waiting for the comps. hehe. (let's not talk about my other papers ;) )

my extra single bed is now fully visible ;))

i have finished crumpling and throwing out tons of receipts and whatnot.

and i have found the following:
1. the luggage lock i got from dad ;))
2. finally! my frequent customer spa card! hahaha.
3. my printer receipt so i can now go have my printer fixed

plus i have just been working on the bad girl scrapbook HB gave me in long-ago January. hehe.

plus Manong plumber and I were right, the leak to our first floor ceiling was coming from the neighbors. ha.

plus i am now fully apprised again of just where all my current files are (bills, bills, letters, pieces of my life).

but am so tired :(

all in a day's tiks ...

... email, chat...

*confirmd na July 16, 2006 wedding namin. hehe humanda ka pag may iba kang plano sa araw na to.
a long time gf, whom i shared my bed with, once upon a "homeless" time hehehe.

*tara! tara! tara! :) saan? saan? saan? :)
buddha excited to tell about her

*ate v, thanks for making me feel at home always ...:) :)
ate j who makes really good ampalaya salad

*uncle sam said hi, hehe. how are you cousin dear?
my cousin (uncle sam is his departed dad)

*...you need to be with someone! on the other hand, you ignore me kinda fierce when you do.
my drama king guy friend

*p___! anlamig na dito!
guy friend in a strange new country


* takang taka na talaga ako sa kanya ba't di niya nakikita kung ano meron siya ... pero ang sarap kasi magkarelasyon na partners talaga kayo di ba?
babae, nagtataka. hahaha.

*hey sisterrrrr ... this is my 3rd attept at writing you an email. i tried twice last night when i got in from work but when i accidentally pressed 'back' after
finishing my second attempt it was alread 4:30am and i needed to sleep! ...
i just wanted to say thank you for the email you sent ... it certainly made me feel a lot better and a lot more at ease about my decisions. i have just decided to leave them and let them come round.
my sister who, thankfully, tells me about herself, and whom i am glad to be able to help.

the way i cook ;)

being ever-ready Capricorn person, the thought of a long holiday makes me think of food shortages or closed shops, and sends me to the grocery queues with a full cart.

hence, last sunday's shop that included a packet of chicken drumsticks, and sinigang mix, as i thought i'd experiment with tita eds' not-so-secret fried chicken recipe. so too with the packet of pork chops, as i remembered roommie's pride in marinating-- she said, just a bit of calamansi and salt, then grill them! and the two long bitter gourds, with the matching spicy vinegar for a salad.

back at home i settled down to crumpling old receipts, sorting papers, and working towards the general aim of a new life, and a clean(er) household. but ate joan got bored, and asked to prepare the ampalaya. after a while, ensconced in the middle of papers, i asked, why doesn't she go ahead and do the chicken, in her Mana's tradition, to which she smilingly agreed? mwah, it was a yummy well-rounded dinner indeed :D.

yesterday, i asked ate v to buy food, forgetting for a minute the invitation for an intimate lunch at shakey's, where i joyfully slurped a super chocolate shake, mmmm.

today, roommie and i finally find each other in the same place-- our house, after months of meeting in the hallway and communicating thru text. i put out the porkchops to thaw, cooked rice, went upstairs for a while. hours later, i come down and roommie is taking out some spicy sauce to marinate the pork chops.

moi: di mo matiis? (grin)
roommie: oo

and hence, that is the way i cook :D. with a lot of good intentions, without much effort, and a healthy appetite.

hehehe.