as tuesday turns

Funny how a day unfolds.

You never changed clothes.
You never even left your building.

But your cells have grown (:P pancit canton)
Your internal rivers rose and changed directions

Several times, new seas came up
And so did new moons :D

At my planet:
I would like to say thank you DD for bearing with me agonizing about my pet peeves (hehe) and smiling thru my mood swings (I was sad and I felt better).
I would like to say B, I'm sorry for raining on your sunny day, and now I know better than to muscle in on your romance ;). After all, I already said my piece (hehehe! pakialamera).
I would like to say thank you universe for providing the chance for me to verbalize.
I would like to say thank you universe for Maya who REALLY by her presence helps me say the things that are difficult to say (chicken chicken chicken chicken hahaha) but need to be said.
I would like to say thank you friend S for being you, who understood every word I said, and everything I meant. Ang ganda mo mare, grabe.


Goddesses on YM
me: mabango

an hour later...
me: mabango
j: naka-tube

two hours later...
me: mabango
j: naka-tube
m: naka halter

three hours later...
m: naka-halter, backless at mas mabango

3 hours and fifteen minutes...
me: non-competitive mabango

3 hours and twenty minutes...
m: naka-halter, backless at mas mabango, walang biro
me: non-competitive mabango, red shorts and white sando

3 hours and thirty minutes...
j: naka-tube kaya lalong inubo
c: i give in to the "war": cover girl in baby blue spaghetti

Let's not get started on the pancit. :P

TODAY's Cover Girl

No offense to the Pope, the Goddess rest his soul :). But the Priestess bumped him off the cover page of today's Manila Standard.

'Coz she DON'T OWE, WON'T PAY! It's not about her debts :D though that pic may send her creditors quaking (like Ara at the carinderia down the road). It's just that, if you care to look at the fine print, there are a million reasons why we should push for DEBT CANCELLATION of South countries, particularly countries in crisis like the Philippines, and countries devastated by the tsunami. If you have ever caught yourself wondering what can be done NOW, to provide relief and results NOW, then click up there and read on.

And then again, Priestess, where and how else should you be cover girl, but as your guapa self, proclaiming to the world, just what it is you believe in (with matching lumaw lumaw/ teary eyes)?

P.S. Frame it for the benefit of those differently sun-signed children and apos ;)

i can't keep quiet any longer

damn but i smell SO GOOD! :D

and look so fresh :D

i keep sniffing my arms :D

(Body Shop's body scrub and body butter in Olive. Hmmmmmmm.)

finger to lips

and with a great WHOOOOOOOOOSH,

(plus the silent flapping of invisible feathers)

i disappear into my quietness.

;)

(I love, and i must sit with myself. I love big big big.)

not my song

Sad To Belong
( England Dan and John Ford Coley )

I met you on a springtime day,
You were minding your life and I was minding mine too.
Lady, when you looked my way,
I had a strange sensation and Darling, that's when I knew...

That it's sad to belong to someone else,
When the right one comes along.
Yes, it's sad to belong to someone else,
When the right one comes along.

Oh, I wake up in the night,
And I reach beside me hoping you would be there.
But instead I find someone,
Who believed in me when I said I'd always care...


So sue me. I just feel sad that's all, and this seemed, sadly, appropriately sad. Even if it's really not my song. Hehehe. Feelings are strange like that.

I have just arrived back home after wending my way down mountains. Maybe that's reason enough to be sad, if sadness needs to have a reason.

Maybe I am happy enough to allow myself to be sad :).

Before I wound my way down the mountain, in a darkened bus, staring at the lights splattered on the hillsides (on the mountains there can be hills :D), with my seatmate crying into her hanky, I prayed a thank you for when life sends you people who see you, dimunitive dot that you are (dimunitive dot to dimunitive dot? :D not always. "dimunitive dot" sounds so "slight pang"), who will love you, and who will try not to hurt you. i think the trying part makes all the difference, even if they won't always succeed.

nor will you.

driving

We got in the cab on EDSA outside Shangri-la Mall past midnight that Friday. Surprisingly traffic was heavy and soon after we passed Robinson’s Galleria, the driver grunted that we should go to Sikatuna via White Plains. I thought about the possible wide empty stretches of road on White Plains, about how the EDSA route was much nearer, and commented that, maybe taking White Plains would be too far. The driver relented but soon as we got much nearer the turn that would take him to White Plains, he asked again, and I said forcefully willfully that we should just continue on.

In response, he revved up the engine, and accelerated the cab, losing his temper in the middle of traffic, in fact in the middle of two big trucks on either side. Ajo and I noted his anger without comment continuing to sit in silence as he drove in starts and spurts taking chances by changing lanes too quickly.

How was he to know I find comfort in being snug in the middle of traffic, intimidated by freeways where cars whiz past and testosterone is given free rein (I don’t believe in giving testosterone free rein). I get overwhelmed by empty highways and the thought of speed-high maniacs going blind getting high or losing one’s brakes at 100 kph.

Or even that my curiosity had been piqued by the uncharacteristically heavy traffic and I wanted us to inch forward just to find out what the buildup was all about? I was in no big hurry and would have been happy to know.

He continued on in a tantrum and I guessed that he would take the next best turn, taking a right just before Cubao, popping up at Aurora and going up Anonas. He did as I thought he would and we let him as he wanted.

He lost his temper and took our lives into his hands but it didn’t matter because he had his radio on the station playing jazz oldies in the middle of the night. His saving grace Diana Krall crooning, “I’ve got you under my skin.”

When the gate had closed behind us, I said to Ajo, the driver lost his temper. She complained, it’s ok to get mad but he shouldn’t get us killed because of it.

“But each time I do, just the thought of you, Makes me stop before I begin, Coz, I’ve got you under my skin.”

if i were a vegetable

...i would be a tomato (TOMAHTOH say the British), round, red, juicy, nutritious or cancerous depending on the state of your own health :D works well with patis.

i feel a bit like a vegetable. am somewhat tired. have just finished with the thing that was due at 10 pm last night (hehe some deadlines are impossible promise). now what to do with the thing that was due at 6 am today? and as i am tapping the keys here it is 7 pm. i don't feel too stressed with all the crazy deadlines around here. others have it crazier (MUCH), and besides i'm trying to savor my last summer at this crazed house of workers on this street full of industry.

and i can certainly do with a kick on the butt now and then.

tomorrow i can go and pay all my bills that are past due.

my days and my weeks go by in themes. have been since the start of the year. bills are tomorrow. this week was work (oh and getting married, go figure hehe). last week was laidback and loving. the week before that was school.

i feel peaceful :) what a gift.

school supplies sentiments

sometimes it's all i can do
not to want to stick like glue :D

but then, if glue is what
i have to be
then glued is what i am.

(or maybe i'm a piece of pink post-it
attached but not too much.)

mother may i ;)

"oh mother dear, we sadly fear our mittens we have lost..."

yes, i am losing my marbles.

Relationships of all kinds, particularly romantic partnerships, are advanced through an increased understanding and open, honest communication, V. If you are currently involved in a love relationship, today it might advance to the next level of commitment. Also, any plans you make are likely to produce whatever results you want. Don't put anything off; make use of the day's energies. You'll be glad you did.

magkaharap

Me, repeat after Me: I am not my sadness. I am not my sadness. I am not my sadness. Hehehehe.


an 8 cubic feet invisible fridge
blocking the view, the door, my way
not amorphous in the air
not a scent of sadness
but solid.

it wants me,
wants only me,
and wants all of me.
it bears no escape no disguise
won't budge.

i stand in front of it
my sadness and i facing each other
squarely
eye to eye.

home again, jiggety jig

Stepped off the bus at Kamias to a lovely Easter Sunday late afternoon. :)

from the mouths of beach babes

Some Accumulated Wisdom from Our 24-Hour Feeding Program at the Diver's Sanctuary, Batangas

:P

1. When commuting to and from the Diver's Sanctuary from Lemery, Batangas, TAKE THE JEEP. Yes, let me say that again. Take the jeep!
Response: You just won't be able to help it, WAHAHAHAHA, you'll be rolling on the jeep laughing!

We never regretted turning down the special tricycle ride in favor of the jeep. Our banca ride to the resort awaited us at Baliti, the very end of the jeepney route that goes thru several rural barangays. Most of the passengers were very friendly with each other, and the ride exuded a particular charm.

The driver was this small laidback man, engaged in his own world, merrily driving along, without thought to his passengers who might need to get off at some point. Result: some truly high-decibel, community effort "para-han" or collectively getting the driver's attention to stop the jeep. Nerve-wracking but fun, guess that's what bayanihan is all about.

Like this lady screaming repeatedly, asking the driver's permission to go and buy kerosene. DD was like, what, why's she asking his permission to buy kerosene? It turned out she meant for the jeep to wait while she ran off to the store (and the store was a fair distance from the jeep because again, the driver wasn't listening and didn't stop in time hehehe). By the time we got to our stop, DD had thought up several favors for the jeepney driver including, "teka lang, gagatasan ko muna ang aking kambing." WAHAHAHAHA!

It didn't end there either. At a turn in the road, a lazy passenger suddenly threw out a carton of cigarettes screaming, "Paki-bigay kay Nanay!!"

2. Nakakapagod pala mag-swimming.
Response: WAHAHAHAHAHA!

Halos hindi kami nag swimming. Bakit? Kasi ...

3. Noong nagsabog ang Diyos ng tulog, napunta ang karamihan kay DD.
Response: WAHAHAHAHA!

Si DD tulog ng tulog. Si Buddha di makatulog, antay ng antay kay DD gumising. Si V basa ng basa at read aloud ng binasa niya (the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle is my book of the moment :)

4. Medyo mahirap mag-snorkeling kapag pakiramdam mo, sasab-it ka na sa corals.
Response: WAHAHAHAHAHA!

The corals and fishes by Ligpo Island remain interesting and colorful. However, it is a trial snorkeling at low tide when there is only a centimeter distance between your belly and the nice pink coral. Yes, even when you have sucked in your stomach and have taken advantage of your natural buoyancy. And the corals and fishes get tired of your constant apologies for bumping into them.

An alternative: Hie off to the pool overlooking the sea, and ask Joel to bring you some beers, and wait for a beautiful sunset. To sunsets!


5. Napakaganda ng kabilugan ng buwan sa tabi ng dagat.
Pagkatapos namin matulog pagkatapos ng bawat activity (halimbawa: pagkadating TULOG, pagkasnorkel at nood ng sunset TULOG, pagkakain TULOG) pinanood namin ang buwan at nagkuwentuhan ng mga bagay na di pa namin ever nagawa.



:) Bilang ending, gusto ko lang din magpasalamat sa aking dalawang masayahing kaibigan (hey DD and B) na hinayaan akong maging now-you're-with-her-now-you're-not. That was generous of you, thank you :). At nandoon naman ako para gisingin ng conductor ng bus para lamang magbayad ng ating mga ticket dahil sa sumpa ninyong dalawa na bawal magsalita, at ang sisira sa usapan ay kailangang bumaba ng bus! Grrrrrr! :P

mga bagay na di ko pa ever nagawa

1. magsuot ng swimsuit na puti
2. mag-spend ng Christmas kasama ang romantic significant other
3. maglaba ng undies ng significant other
4. maging miyembro ng mile-high club
5. magpakalbo
6. makipaghalikan sa babaeng may asawa (hahahaha)
7. mag-meet the father ng significant other (nag-meet the mother lang ako so far)
8. magpakasal

:D

i have an idea

around this time last year, i was pretty upset by a friend's attitude. i felt he was being defeatist. i couldn't get over it.

and then i realized, he could change if he wanted to :). and that thought made all the difference. we aren't stuck where we are. we can change.

maybe we can help each other. maybe you can show me the way :)

raffle tickets

three jo's

josephine, jo ann and joannalyn eat their way thru good friday.

as i am writing this by the side of the staircase, a couple is coupling on the tv. lol. joannalyn is watching y tu mama tambien. we miss you tita eds.

coping
hehe. sabi ko sa kaibigan ko parang hindi ko pa siya nadatnan na coping. ;)

ako naman, malinaw sa akin ang aking mga coping. halimbawa, sa kalagitnaan ng panonood ng sineng Ray, na masakit sa puso, naisipan kong mamalantsa (parang light bulb moment: aha mamamalantsa ako!). dahil mahaba ang sine, malapit ko nang matapos ang mga paplantsahin.

ang galing galing galing naman ng nanay ni Ray Charles Robinson! relax at watch a movie Ray kayo.

on the other side of the planet
finally in a few hours, we're going for our beach break, intentionally delayed. we think it's non-conformist to go when everyone else is heading home. also, there were other things i wanted to do, another person i wanted to be with (promise).

we're going to the other side of "planet" ligpo. two years ago, we were perched on top of ligpo island enjoying the breeze and the full moon shining above the mountains. i remember messaging magya who was by the chico river, and jean about that.

i hope tomorrow, by the side of the mountain, we still get to see the full moon. we promise not to cavort hehehe.

actually, d and i have this image of our disconsolate selves by the beach or on the bus. or maybe that's just me and b, being separately disconsolate together (gin dalahig) while d daydreams away.

full moon
dear full moon, please take care of those whom i have unintentionally slighted. (OA but true :) ) they are very dear to me.

roommie actually said: it will take a few years for you to adjust to each other's quirks.

ahhh, she is speaking from experience. at times, i am the most difficult person in the world.

thus sang parokya: sorry na talaga kung ako'y medyo tanga.

for it is as perennial as the grass

Max Ehrmann


Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.


Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.


Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.


Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.


You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.


Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.


With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.


Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

all in a day

Post ng walang magawa :P

I had coffee
Nuked some chicken
Boiled some veggies, made some rice
slurped a strawberry shake
was takam at the boss' brunch
so had some of her corned beef
omelet and rice
ordered sashimi and
one san mig light
(no rice)
picked at Rachel's pork bbq
taste-tested a pizza slice
and picked at Joanna's tocino.

at home, had a mango.

Mga Habilin :)

Sinabi ko doon sa isa kong minahal na kaibigan, sana kahit anong mangyari, puwede pa rin tayo magsabihan sa isa’t isa. ‘Yon ‘yong isa sa aming mga usapan. (Kahit di siya kumibo naramdaman ko ang kanyang pag-sangayon o di kaya sobrang overactive lang talaga ang aking imagination). Iniisip ko pa kung paano ko tutuparin ang aming mga usapan (hehe). Marahil ay magiging malinaw din kung papaano.

Ang bilin ko naman doon sa isa, sana ay huwag niyang kalimutan kung paano niya ako nakilala. Ang ibig kong sabihin, kung sino ako na nakilala niya :). (Pinakilala ko kasi talaga ang sarili ko sa kanya dahil iba ang inisip niyang ako. Pinaghirapan kong i-explain ang sarili ko at believe you me, ang pag-eexplain ay di madaling gawin at hindi ginagawa para sa lahat.) Nakakatuwa naman at sa tingin ko ay natutupad niya ito.

Kaya ikaw. Huwag mo akong kalimutan :).

***

And a good idea.

I would love to be invited to his wedding :D, and to attend with the one I love. Hmmm, how to finagle an invitation from an ex. Hahaha.

The other night, I was reminded of him, and I laughed out loud missing how we knew each other. He's one of the few people in the world who truly knows how buang I can be. Plus I really inherited a lot of his sense of humor (it was during my formative years when I was more malleable, hahahaha). I miss being friends with him, and the feeling that someone knows you really really well, and that’s perfect (no stress no worries just friendship).

We used to be quite good friends, and hung out sometimes. It's just he's one of those guys who decides to concentrate on his girlfriend when he's got one, perhaps to avoid trouble, and perhaps because he's a busy man. Still, I would be happy if we got back into friendship again. I have yet to be friends with an ex and their significant other. I think I would enjoy it too :), good vibes and affection all around. After all, we all choose each other so why shouldn't the people we choose choose each other too?

it's all working out ok :)

all of this afternoon, i was again tucked in a corner, doing my presentation for work. a colleague acted as tech support (actually he was just bored and had nothing better to do than look over my shoulder at the pc :P). i finished about two hours before i was due to report :P. photo-finish again, yup yup. but i had my reasons.

the day before that, in that very same corner, i created my own little world, answering stat exercise questions and organizing therapy notes. with my right hand, i swatted off kulit colleagues merely wanting to get a rise out of studious me. with my left, i shielded my face from other colleagues who undoubtedly deserved my efforts and attention except that i really could not address them just yet. priorities, priorities. tomorrow is another day :D

the day before that, i tackled a report for work. and the day before that day i speed-read thru 16 chapters of a book for an exam i needed to pass. and the day before that, read a reading (it crackled as a pillow).

the end thus far is that i think i did well in one exam, did ok in the one i needed to pass, finished my reports, went to my classes, and spent some time with the people i wanted to spend time with.

:D. i still have WORK to do, but if i keep up with this pace, i'll hopefully wipe the slate clean soon.

summer and promises

Things I want to do this summer
(list #2, pansy fancy version ;)

1. live in the moment of every day
2. enjoy my upcoming summer class, six intense days. (i can picture it in my mind, and i can't wait)
3. aim: a kick-ass end to an eight-year career (ay!). meaning, i can also picture, for the month of april, less six intense summer class days and six intense weekend days (two of the class days are Saturdays), the sum total of 18 intense workdays. and so on in the month of May.
4. it looks like, from where i am right now, i might be able to sneak a few days off to region six in May :) ha! Bora Bora Bora Bora Bora (hear the drumbeat for Bora, gfs and bfs?). am not sure yet though. as am sure all of you know, things can change any second :)
5. try not to take too many unnecessary taxi-rides (hehe, my concession to love)
6. enjoy the pleasure of your company, girls and boys you, and mine too :)


In the next three weeks starting from today, things could go haywire ;-)MERCURY RETROGRADE
For the next three weeks -- and you'd better sit down for this -- you
won't be able to connect, compute or get where you want to go with ease.
It's not you, it's Mercury. Have plan B and plan C ready at all times.

I want to promise myself some guidelines for the time when the planet Mercury moves backward in the sky:
1. Exercise patience, and live and let go :)
2. Enjoy every moment of every day.
3. Double-check arrangements, and live and let go :)
4. Did I say continue my walking-prayer-meditations? ;-)
5. Be grateful (thank you!)
6. Give and receive love, and let go :)
7. Leave it to the angels ;) (galingan niyo angels ha. hehehe what a Capricorn admonishment.)

And now am off to my working weekend. Am late na. Lol!

si K na alam ang lahat

pardon me if i make up new words as i go along :P

kasi sinabi ko gusto ko maging peministang-sikolohista, sabi ni K, hetong sa'yo, matuto ka nga diyan kung seryoso ka talaga.

kasi minsan nagsasayang ako ng panahon kaya ngayon naghahabol ako ng oras, kaya sabi ni K, hetong sa'yo, basahin mo yan para ma-inspire ka, at heto pa, kilalanin mo para matuto ka.

kasi minsan masyado akong maraming inaalala o pagaalinlangan kaya sabi ni K, hetong teacher mo ngayon para matuto ka sa kanya ng power of now, at hetong mga kaklase mo, sabay kayong matututo. at heto pa siya na marunong magbigay ng buong puso sa bawa't sandali.

tapos, sabi pa ni K, ano na nga yong binubulong-bulong mo sa tabi na ayaw mo ng ________, at sana may parang __________, para puwedeng ________. hetong sa'yo.

at sa marami pang dahilan, at basta lang, ang galing talaga ni K.

sabi niya pati, enjoy mo ha.

sabi ko naman -- sabay kislap ng mata -- oo ba.

looking back

looking back, i am REALLY happy that i said i love you when i did a year or so ago. :)

tanned brown with green eyes

ahh, that monster, you know. that strikes like a dagger to your craw. do you kill it, do you slay it? do you feed it, justify it? is it cool? is it love? is it stuff, baggage you're carrying around?

what to do with jealousy? what's the dish on possesiveness?

1. go off the deep end.
Like what Grace Adler did in last Saturday's episode of Will and Grace. When she realized that Diane, her hubby Leo's ex, Diane, was the very same Diane, the only woman Will has ever had sex with, Grace saw red. She went off to the kitchen and chopped the life out of all the tomatoes. She screamed, "Dinner's ready!" when the tomatoes were juice.

2. scold the issue away
In his book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey tells the story of his little daughter's birthday party and how the little guests wanted to borrow the new toys his daughter had received as gifts. Now, Stephen, being known as a relationship guru got self-conscious that the parents present at the party were wondering how he would deal with the issue, whether he could make his daughter share. So he went up to her and asked her to share. She wouldn't though, she flatly refused, and kept on clutching the toys to her chest.

3. deny it
When it really bothers me, I truly can't deny it :).

4. confess it
Though I hated having to do it, but in the spirit of being true to my suffering self, I did tell a gf a few years back when I was jealous as hell... err uncomfortable and unhappy... that she and this guy I yearned for ... were chatting. Hahahaha, silly but true. I was not at all ready to share him, even with people I love!

So.

Later, when he had some time to think about what happened, Stephen said he should have not scolded his daughter. Instead, at that moment, he should have allowed her the feeling of possession. He said he should have just deflected the kids' attention from his daughter and given her the space and time to fully possess her new gifts and toys. He said that when his daughter would have fully claimed ownership of the toys, then she would have been free to share the toys with the other kids.

A teacher of mine also said that people find it easier to forgive when they are happy or secure. So I guess, in the same vein, it is harder to get jealous when one is secure :). When happy and secure, sharing's a cinch.

That's why it was never an issue for Grace that Diane was Leo's ex. She knew that Leo loved her. What hurt was that Diane had gone to bed with Will,and Grace and Will, who loved each other fiercely, and knew each other inside out, who had always been there for each other, had never gotten it on. Will is gay but how come Diane?!

Awww, poor Grace.

But Will did say, just when Grace was about to chop Diane to pieces at the dinner table, that Diane had meant nothing. That he cared about Grace. That in fact, Diane and Will happened when they were drunk, and Will was grieving over Grace. Spent the entire day at Jack's crying over Grace.

So Grace was mollified, and the green monster shrank and disappeared into thin air.

As for me, the problem with confessing to gf, was putting some of the burden on gf. I knew that gf loved me, loves me still, and wouldn't do anything unknowingly to hurt me. Still, it's a no-no to stop people from getting to know each other, and I knew that.

Stephen's story was reassuring because it affirmed what I thought then. That the reason I felt so jealous, gf, was because I never knew where I stood with that cutie :P He was never mine to share, and that was a particularly sticky time. Thank you for bearing with me then.

and all I want to say is that when the green monster pops up in your face, be patient with yourself, getting over jealousy is a process. it's great when the people you're having issues with love you, and will sit with you thru your stuff but it's not always the case. some things you have to sit out alone.

fill yourself with love, and stay away from sharp objects. :P

salamat po

super busy pero mag blog pa rin.

ito na dapat ang "hell week" ng aking 2005 so far pero hindi talaga hell, parang heaven. hehehe. hindi nayayanig ng mahabang listahan ng kailangang gawin ang aking katahimikan. enjoy nga eh.

gifted yata ako this 2005. sunod sunod ang gifts -- blessed pala ang ibig kong sabihin ;-) -- may grace, may love, may clear skies straight onto the Pacific Coast Highway, ay Katipunan Road. kaya gusto ko lang iparating kay Kabunian, maraming salamat. napapansin ko kung gaano na ako ka "gifted." gagawin ko ang aking makakaya para hindi masayang? para lumago pa ang mga biyaya.

humayo na't magparami.

Para kay Bryan

Si Bryan na walang malay. Hehehe.

I have lately concluded, Bryan, that love is not for the faint of heart.

So I pray and wish for a heart as big as the ocean, as wide as the sky, to encompass all that is you.

;-)

Paano kasi, 'yang si Bryan na 'yan mahal ko.

P.S. Atin atin lang. Wag sabihin kay Bryan.

opo opm

Paumanhin (paumanhin ba talaga?) sa lahat ng kakilala kong ayaw kay Regine V. Hindi ako fan, promise. Kaso lang meron kasi siyang napupunuang pangangailangan. Gaya ng pagkanta nito, na mas sweet ang dating dahil babae ang kumakanta. Bagama't gusto ko rin ang Rivermaya, para kasing neurosis pag male version.

ang ating ending
hatid sa bahay n'yo
sabay goodnight, sabay may kiss
sabay bye-bye
...
sa school sa flag ceremony
hanggang uwian araw-araw
hinahanap-hanap kita
hinahanap-hanap kita
at kahit na magka-anak kayo't
magkatuluyan balang araw
hahanap-hanapin ka

At di ba ang cutie lang ng Harana that goes:

Uso pa ba ang harana
Marahil ikaw ay nagtataka
Sino ba 'tong mukhang GAGA
Nagkandarapa sa pagkanta
At nasisintonado sa kaba

di tumapik sa dingding

hahaha.

naguguilty ako.

naguguilty ako na si binky ay hindi tumapik sa dingding, gaya ng inadvertise namin kay HB. nagbago na pala siya HB, nakikipagkumustahan na lang daw siya, at naglalagaw, hindi na tumatapik sa dingding o di kaya sa poste.

si Binky talaga.

si Binky talaga, mali ang timing. kumanta ba naman nung meron pa akong gustong gawing iba.

o baka ako 'yun?

lambing nation continues on music trip

Today it's Apo ;-)

Minsan kahit na pilitin mong uminit ang damdamin
Di siya susunod, at di maglalambing
...
At kahit na anong gawin
Di mo na mapilit at madaya
Aminin sa sarili mo
Na wala ka ng mabubuga


I remember when I explained Apo Hiking Society to Ate Nina. It was a huge task, suddenly urgent, to explain to someone in the process of discovering and defining her Filipino self, an institution such as Apo, something we've grown up with and have much respect and affection for. And something that needs familiarity with the Filipino language. Something that shows just how sweet and loving we can be (as in "Pare, I love you!" Hehehe!).


AbM7 Bb7/Ab Gm7 Cm
Mahal kita, mahal kita, hindi ito bola
Fm7 Bb7 Bbm7/Eb Eb7
Ngumiti ka man lang sana ako'y nasa langit na
AbM7 Bb7/Ab Gm7 Cm
Mahal kita, mahal kita, hindi ito bola
Fm7 (Fm/D) G pause (Intro once)
Sumagot ka naman 'wag lang ewan.

Em7 Am7 Em7 Am7
Sana naman itigil mo na 'yang
Dm Dm7 G7sus G7
Kakasabi ng ewan at anong bola na naman 'yan
Em7 Am7 Em7 Am7
Bakit ba ganyan, binata'y di alam
Dm Dm7 G7sus G7
Na ang ewan ay katulad na rin ng oong inaasam


A few years hence, I'm at my computer, nagpapakabingi sa Apo. Ate Nina, however, has long since learned to belt out Apo, and Eheads to her heart's content given a mic and a videoke machine. And strum the guitar too.

a Wonder

Who doesn't love Stevie Wonder will run out of toilet paper for a year. Hehehe.

Katuwaan

Dahil kami ay sadyang malandi at sadyang mababaw, naging matagumpay ang aming pagpapaligaya sa mga kapekpek, este kabaro, dito sa opisina.

Una may I give kami ni HB sa bawat ka-vagina ng one stem pink mums with matching pink ribbon. Yong guapo at charming kong inaanak, si Aemon, ang nag-distribute. Pati nga yong sister na tiga kabilang dako ng V. Luna, binilhan namin at madalas nagtatampo pag wala siyang pasalubong.

Pagkatapos, pinamudmod namin yong ¾ pan ng sticky brownies at inilabas ang piece de resistance ng aming spontaneous women’s day spirit, ang Hidden Book of Birthdays ni Judith Turner. Ayun, walang tigil na ang katuwaan habang kinilatis namin isa-isa ang mga psychic revelations na nakasulat tungkol sa bawat isa sa amin. Nagpa-xerox pa nga ang karamihan!

Siyempre pa, meron akong paboritong mga linya doon sa aking profile: You will have the sensitivity to maintain long-lasting relationships, the sensuality to ignite great passion, and the common sense to enjoy them both.

Naks naman. Ako ba yon? Ako nga yata ;-) Hahahaha.

to the women in my life, and to those in yours ...

CHEERS!

"No journey carries one far, unless, as it extends into the world around us, it goes an equal distance into the world within." -- Lilian Smith, The Journey.

To our journeys! To women!

HAPPY WOMEN'S DAY.

the travel agent is away

According to my schedule, I'm supposed to read and internalize two chapters of my textbook a night for the next 5 nights. I have to pace myself for the next two weeks because in the rulebook of Life's Like That, everything comes to a pass all in the same time period. To name most:

1. two exams on the same days as our Board meeting
2. an integration paper
3. letters to all my classmates
4. and many of the prep requirements for our women's launch at the end of the month.

Plus I try to avoid missing significant amounts of sleep because in that way I can ensure I'll be in a good mood however busy I may be.

Which means I don't have the time to arrange our Our Annual Holy Trip to the Beach, as I have done most years :). Pity, it's one of the things I really like to do in a year. Hehe. Volunteer coordinators most welcome ;-). I'll prepare my sunblock.

the odd fascinations

I am obsessed with serendipity, the color orange and the number 9. Have a look at Andrea's nice entry on odd fascinations.

Here’s mine.

I am obsessed with the way jeans or slacks fit over a man’s lower abs (and no lower promise), I find it moving. Weird but true. Especially when these aren’t pleated trousers, and aren’t high waist. Ang cute. I liked Jamie Wilson's black slacks in The Blue Room.

I am obsessed with my solitary Sundays in my windy house. I. Love. It. Particularly when it gets really really hot and I am inside, looking out, reading.

I am obsessed with astrology, at guessing people’s sun signs from how they behave, and reveling in how people’s being can be so different, and how interesting it is when everyone gets together with all their differences, and start creating different universes.

I am obsessed with reading, in that not a day goes by when I don’t read at least a page of a book. It’s as essential as breathing.

I am obsessed with airplanes, earthquakes and good driving :P

I am obsessed with summer, bikinis, and staring swimming smiling at the sea.

I am obsessed with finding the connection between things, people and places :P

I am obsessed with learning to be a better me, no matter how much it vexes me. Hehe.

summer break. see you.

catch

Sometimes I catch myself blaming it all/ mostly on the other person. And I am grateful that I catch myself doing so. After all, we’re all the same – spiritual beings undergoing a human experience, and no one is better than the other. We have conjured up the realities of ourselves and these people in our lives so that we may learn, so that our buttons may be pushed, so that we can say ouch! Or sigh happily.

The least and the most we can do, is extend each other the kindness of being. All right, go on, be yourself!

And I’ll be me. Fleeting, feeling, thinking, being.

(Eating, eating, eating! Hehehehe!)

usap with tita e

ok lang sa akin naiiyak, tumatawa, natutuwa, nagmamahal, nagdidiskusyon, at pati na rin ang walang kailangan sabihin.

gusto ko ang nakakausap at nakakaladkad, at kung ano pang puwedeng idagdag.

ayaw ko ang inaabandona at inaaway ng walang dahilan. gusto kong malaman kung bakit, para kasali pa rin ako.

hehehe.

lyrics freak

my favorite lines in Sister Hazel's Life Got in the Way used to be:

And I wanted you so much
Just like I do right now
I wanted us to be the one
The poets write their books about
I wanted it to last
I wanted to grow old
But life got in the way

Now, it's this:

We knew it all from a little thing
It was everything in our first minute
And it took us to another place
Yeah another place and we fell in it
How dare you not remember
How dare you walk away
We adored every little thing
Every little thing would leave us breathless
Every dawn split another day
And in another day we weren’t so restless
How dare you not remember
How dare you walk away

:D i lab lyrics! don't you?

love song for the new month of March

You’ve got to give a little, take a little,
And let your poor heart break a little.
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.

You’ve got to laugh a little, cry a little,
Until the clouds roll by a little.
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.

As long as there’s the two of us,
We’ve got the world and all it’s charms.
And when the world is through with us,
We’ve got each other’s arms.

You’ve got to win a little, lose a little,
Yes, and always have the blues a little.
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.

THE GLORY OF LOVE
Bette Midler

Movie Mad

Because (1) because (2) because (3), kinda went movie-mad last week. Here's what I have to say:

Kilig ako sa love and friendship ng dalawang bida sa Sideways. Inaalagaan nila ang isa't isa. Cutie.

Tama si Hitch (Will Smith) na pagalitan ang mga lalaking hindi nakikinig sa mga sinasabi ng mga babaeng kanilang napupusoan. Listen carefully, no does not mean try harder. It means no.

Love is the pleasure of your company in my life, ang drama sa Phantom of the Opera. Everywhere you go let me go too, love me, that's all I ask of you.

Tawang-tawa ako kay Luisa noong nanggagalaiti siya kay Tenoch at Julio sa Y Tu Mama Tambien. Sabi niya kasi, sa totoo lang, gusto nilang dalawa ang isa't isa! Haha!

Super amazed ako kay Howard Hughes, ayon sa nalaman ko tungkol sa kanya sa Aviator. May fear of flying pa naman ako, eh siya crash ng crash di namamatay. Wala man lang parachute.

Di ko na nahabol ang A Very Long Engagement (nasa Iloilo na), at Ray, (nandiyan lang pero kailangan ko na magtrabaho) at Alfie(nasa Bacolod naman). Oy, pahiram, pahingi ng DVD. Hehe.

(1) dahil
(2) gusto ko
(3) makalimot

hehehe! :P

Happy Monday

Ahay, naluyag ka sa akon? Nasadyahan ko for you.
(Ahay, you’re in love with me? I’m happy for you.)

Hehe! Imagined this conversation, and thought it a fitting and wonderful response for a me in love with a someone or a someone in love with me. Because:

~Very often one can’t help falling in love or with whom or at what time (but you can help what to do about it)
~Falling in love is such an intense experience, impossible for the person in love to ignore or deny to one’s self
~It’s a SUPER minefield of insights and lessons
~And, all too often it’s really about the feeler rather than the object of, promise. (Promise, promise, you’ve heard it before, you’ll hear it again, you’re responsible for your feelings! :P )

So there! Enjoy the ride, the rollercoaster comes to a stop soon enough. ;-)

Stuff a Capricorn takes to the Pool

1. self-help book for class
2. tortillos and potato chips, the ones we forgot to take to tagaytay
3. sunblock, goggles, shampoo, soap, lotion
4. sarong for the recliner
5. pen and paper
6. drinking water
7. moolah
8. change of undies, and clothes
9. HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK.

Hahaha. The last one for the edification of friends. I dug it out the other night after a barrage of emails on the high school egroup about our erstwhile prom song.

Anyway, I loved the day at the pool.

We were the only ones by it, in it.
I did so feel I needed some exercise and swim, I did! 'Twas good! Great! Particularly because we got to the pool earlier this time, and the sun was still good.

It was funny how the pool would fill with leaves every time a breeze shook a nearby tree. Poor Ramon had his work cut out for him this "autumn".

It was funny how we kept convincing Ramon that the pool would overflow! It did look like it! But he paid us no heed!

It was funny how we sang all the nice love songs we could think of. I did every time I came up for air!

It was funny how we were -- sat or dozing by the recliners with books, swimming, munching, singing.

Ahhh, the good Saturday life.

how lovely

that my fuschia top peeks out beneath my black sweater :)

that am going swimming in five hours :)

that i can sleep all afternoon after swimming :)

or watch y tu mama tambien :)

that i can after all swim to the serenity within me :) (even though the reasons for being aggravated never end)

that this weekend am working on my personal mission statement for class

that being aggravated has pushed me to do many good things just to stop myself being aggrieved (hehehe)

that life goes on :)

that i discovered ice monsters for the first time

that i found copies of two books on my class reading list

that the answers to my work dilemmas mentioned earlier this year are beginning to show :)

that work is working out, and people are working together (yehey)

that you should watch phantom of the opera the 2004 movie, and sing "Anywhere you go
let me go too ... Love me - that's all I ask of you ..."

that i'm beautiful, and so are you ;-)

wait lang wait lang wait lang

and before i finally go... to the lovely night that awaits me... and my light-blue chinelas! ... PA KANTA NGA ULIT! Isang stanza lang ;-)


I've got it all,
it seems, for all it means to me,
But I sing of things I miss
and things that used to be.
And I wonder every night
if you might just miss me too,
And I sing for you I sing for you.

speech

Para sa blogging at para sa summer

Sa totoo lang, nagbo-blog ako para may lagayan ako ng mga kung anu-anong bagay na nasa isip ko. Minsan kasi masyado nang maingay sa loob ng aking ulo, kailangan may lagayan para maka-move on. Kaya tama rin sabihin na di ako nagbo-blog dahil gusto kong magsulat o di kaya dahil gusto kong magkuwento. Mas madalas, nagbo-blog ako para para huminga ng mas malalim o para makahinga ng mabuti.

Kaya huwag na lang kayo magtaka kung nagbo-blog ako ng puro di malinaw. Just thinking aloud :) is all. Lagi nga nangyayari na pagka-post na pagka-post ko, nalagpasan ko na ang kung anumang isyu na pinroblema ko. At may bago na naman. May mga moods na mabilis lang lumipas, meron namang pabalik-balik, meron ding parang smog sa Metro Manila, di na matanggal-tanggal. Wala lang, ganito na talaga ako.

On the whole, masayahin akong tao, kahit di man yon halata (Baka kasi nakasimangot ako nung nakita mo ako. Mahirap na kasi ang laging nakangiti, mas lalong gumaganda hehehe). Di kasi ako masyadong mukhang excitable pero sa totoo lang, nahirapan akong manatiling malungkot kahit sa mga araw na malungkot ako. May tonic water yata sa dugo ko. Lagi ko pa rin nakikita ang masaya o di kaya ang nakakatawa.

Halimbawa na lamang ang araw na ito, o di kaya kahapon. SUMMER NA. Sinabi ko na ba kung gaano ko ka mahal ang summer? Naluyag ako sa summer! Kakaiba ang feeling pag summer! Kahit sobra na akong naiinitan at ang feeling mo kapag nasa labas ka ay para kang sinusunog ng araw, magaan ang loob ko kapag summer. Kahit na tumatagaktak ang pawis. Bad trip lang ako kapag di ako nakakapunta ng dagat. Kaya mahirap manatiling malungkot dahil simula kahapon, summer na talaga.

Gusto ko na nga bumili ng tsinelas na naman. At ang dami ko pang mga white na shirts and shorts left over from last year's summer. Yehey, eh ano ngayon pakialam ko kung maglalabasan na naman ang love handles ko. Basta summer na naman at masaya ako.

recalcitrant but willing

te sige ah.
indi na lang.

i give up.
(naks, ;-))

i surrender to whatever it is
the universe deems
a better idea.

am gonna fade away into the very walls
(they could be pink).

happy weekend
a very long engagement with myself.
(the movie currently escaping me)

here's to a long hot
sweltering passionate
smouldering summer.

didn't i just say
i give up?
yes, but i've always said yes to life ;-).

summer na, swim ta!

tara, kanta tayo :)

It's The Lover (not The Love)
Tiffany (Greatest Hits)

He broke your heart and said goodbye
After promising forever
You wonder why you even tried
He was such a good pretender

The love you gave was all in vain
And nothing anyone can say
Could ever make you love that way again

It's the lover not the love
Who broke your heart last night
It's the lover not the dream
That didn't work out right
If you listen to your heart
You'll know it's true
It's the lover not the love
Who deserted you

Don't stop reachin' for the stars
Let tomorrow live inside you
And just remember who you are
Keep the faith and love will find you

It's the lover not the love
Who broke your heart last night
It's the lover not the dream
That didn't work out right
If you listen to your heart
You'll know it's true
It's the lover not the love
Who deserted you

It does no good to second guess
Whether love is wrong or right
If it was really meant to be
He'd be with you tonight

It's the lover not the love
Who broke your heart last night
It's the lover not the dream
That didn't turn out right
If you listen to your heart
You'll know it's true
It's the lover not the love
Who deserted you

permission granted

letting go is just another way to say i'll always love you soooooo ;-)

mwahahaha. inappropriate song lyric for my thoughts below but anyway....

i remember when a gf of mine -- her precious heart for pete's sake! -- was being sorely taken advantage of by this undeserving guy!!!!!! (hehehe! wala bang bastusan ng minahal?) i was soooo mad, i couldn't help myself, i intervened and gave the guy the full benefit of my opinions! ... however, when precious gf herself became mad for herself, i completely stopped being angry (oooops i think much to gf's bewilderment at that time.) i was happy that she was able to stand up for herself already, and let the anger go myself. :)

i remember when i felt another gf was hurt unduly!!!!! i was sooo mad and with me it always always shows. but a wise person said, let your gf experience this thing for herself, and learn from it what she needs to learn. so there, i too let it go, and felt much better, assured by the advice.

so now that another friend seems to be feeling better about the world, i can now allow myself to be piqued at him. hahahaha! even for just a moment or two ;-).

happy full moon in pisces, kiddies.

February 24: Full Moon in Pisces
Once again, it's time for the emotional Moon to shine her bright light on a tender issue. The topic this time will be intuition. If your antennae tell you to let something go, let it go -- no matter how difficult that might be. This full Moon is in Pisces, which means that we're all going to act according to our gut reactions. Don't argue with yourself. Listen to that voice in the back of your brain. It's time to forget facts and concentrate on what's really important.

right? right?

a friend showed me a pic of an ex-crush of hers. he looks like this guy we know, or this guy we know looks like him (the ex-crush is way cuter). funny because a few months back, i also told this same friend of mine that a guy she was dating then reminded me also of the same guy we know. but the difference was, the date and the guy-we-know seemed the same way as opposed to looked the same way -- they slouched the same way, behaved the same way ... isn't it interesting how people can seem alike in different ways? :D

also, sometimes when a new guy comes into my life (not that one has ;-) really really) it's funny how all my ex-men (not many) seem to rise up within me, particularly the most recent one, whoever he may be. it's like you're playing an old-new cd, he's new but he will remind you of those who were there before him. truly, we live in many parallel universes.

sometimes i feel sad because the best-thing-since-coffee-crumble-ice-drop has left the playground without me. and so i'm left sitting in the corner of the now deserted playground licking a coffee crumble ice drop.

the capricorn horoscope for today says: The universe has temporarily bestowed super powers upon you. What kind? Well, take a peek in your cosmic utility pack. There's even more of the ability to organize, categorize and systemize. Scary, huh? Just don't get crazy with it. If you find you're making lists of your lists, it might be time to lie down for a while. That really would be more than slightly over the top.

haha! i think this is like LITERALLY PHYSICALLY true of Capricorn environments. I know of many who have piles and piles of things they have organized categorized and systemized.

now, it's not time to lie down, but time to spoon the small glass of frosteeee an officemate brought me. yihee!

giving boyet problems

went downstairs to wash my glasses. boyet - choy to me - by the sink.

nagkaon ka na nang? -- Have you had lunch, 'Nang?
wala pa, Choy. -- Not yet, Choy.
ano man, wala ka pa nagkaon? -- But why not?
wala. tamaran ko magkaon Choy. -- I don't feel like it, Choy.
baw, biskan diutay lang, para lang may sulod ba ang tiyan. -- You need to eat, even just a little. You need to put something in your stomach.
hehe, pa ugtas ta ka Choy? -- Hehe, am I giving you problems Choy?

running water

Bato bato sa langit, ang tamaan, 'wag gumanti. Hehehehe.

Weepy at the end of a long happy day, thinking about people I love.

You, with whom I’ve scarcely talked about the love of my present life. We chatted earlier and telling you everything on my chest was as natural as breathing. I’ve only really left you notes here and there because we haven’t had time to talk lately but everything was just a matter of course. I never even needed to explain myself, just told you the most recent parts of my continuing story. And it’s not like I met up with you only last week. (Because I haven’t and we can’t.)

You, I loved you! :) You who hardly ever expresses how you feel not even to yourself and yet cuddle each night like a baby, like cuddling is the only way to sleep and wake up. You can never make me believe that someone who cuddles like that has no feelings and does not care. Oh my beloved with the fragile heart and of the funny chats. I know you because I too am you.

You, who broke your heart while we were both away? What is it that makes you so sad only you can talk about it with yourself? I cry because I miss you, and it’s not even as if we have the most brilliant conversations all the time (sometimes we do) or that we’ve found the equilibrium of who we are (because we haven’t) or that at this time we are already each other’s comfort (because we’re not, we have other people, and ourselves for that). Still I wish that we were more firmly in each other’s lives.

You, who has seen me through all of my more recent goodbyes, and my more recent highs, who knows like you know the palm of your hand, what’s important and what’s not, when’s the day to say good luck, and when’s the day to ask how I am, keeper of all the stories and tales.

You who messaged back if it would be ok to get back to me midweek if you’d have time this week to watch that movie miniseries you asked me to watch with you because you would rather have realtime feedback. Awwww, how cute.

You, and you, who both messaged me you love me yesterday. In case the wind blows west, chester, or even though the sedate Capricorn is a drama queen, honeybun. You would be happy with whatever would make me happy – London, Quezon City, New York (lol).

You who called me repeatedly before we last talked even though the phone remained unanswered forever. You called and we talked about this and that, never mentioning things best left in the past, because we’re truly good for good.

You who persists in sharing with me all your stories though I may share mine or not, though I may stick to my silent self or not (I’ve lately experienced what you may feel with me), though I may be with you or not. Together we hold up our own patch of the sky.

You who adores me from afar, and it’s not as if you and I didn’t know it. (Te sige lang ah. Anhon ta lang kay amo lang gid na ya :-D.)

And you, even you, who persists in taking offense (in private and as tall as mountains) at the issues I raise. My special talent seems to be pressing all your buttons though I only start with the intention of showing how you to love me more. Look at me, my hands are raised in surrender, I mean no offense no battle

And that will be all for tonight, as the taps have finally run dry. (Oh, bless.)

busy buang

it is a most cheerful day ladies and gentlemen for no reason that i can think of except for a nice change. i feel irrepressibly back to my old self today. or back to my irrepressible self. you know that yahoo emoticon fluttering her lashes? that's me. which is not to say that i've lost my other newer self but am quite back for now. i lack sleep my back hurts and i've got deadlines a mile long but i feel so

*flutter flutter flutter*

hehehe. let's party!
(gasp)

Bed or Bust

A friend and I have launched a contest! Cutest and coziest bed! Mine or his! Lol.

This is my blog and I declare that I have won the contest.

Hihihi. We've not been in each other's beds, unfortunately.

Para sa Sinumang May Pakinabang sa Mga Sumusunod

1. Wag pilitin ang ayaw. Pero pag gusto mo talaga, di sige pilitin mo. Hanggang magsawa ka sa kapipilit. Tapos iyakan mo na para pagkatapos nang parang mamamatay ka na sa lungkot at pangungulila, ok ka na ulit. Hehe.

2. Hayaan mo lang ang lahat ng mga minamahal mo – yong mga taong you care for ;-) – hayaan mo lang silang magkamali, kahit pa nga paminsan minsan ay magdurugo ang puso nila. Alalay lang. Basta ba matibay ang kanilang pagkilala at pagtingin sa sarili, ok lang sila. Matutuwa sila sa iyo dahil pinapayagan mo silang maging tao – bukas, bulnerable at natututo. At ibibigay din nila sa iyo ang ganoong espasyo, kasi pati din naman ikaw magkakamali. Hehe, walang lusot kaibigan. At saka, di ka naman mapapamahal sa taong perpekto di ba?

3. May pangatlo pero nakalimutan ko na. Wahahaha.

online my self

it's not all balance and groundedness around here.

i allow myself my little amusements.

like staying up all night for no reason just because i like the feeling of going to bed at six in the morning just when your head is about to burst from sleepiness. it's straight on to oblivion, no side trips!

more often, it's staying on the internet forever, until my eyes bulge out, and i have no choice but to stay away, to go away and stare at ... what were once green fields... anything but the flaming screen!

like today, i think am going to need to walk off all this tinkering time.

:D :P :-))

truth is

truth is, mommy should have just taken the keys with her. she should have a set of keys to her house :).

but i insisted they swing by school to give me the keys so I could say goodbye at the very lastest.

in the Philippines, it's not goodbye when there's even one free second left till goodbye. lol.

i'll send you a set of keys, promise.

just checking in via Louis

am still alive.
the fridge needs rearranging.
the laundry needs sortin'
chores need doing
and there are deadlines to meet.
work is welcome in a steady pace.

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

there's even a laptop that needs tweaking
(and voices inside my head whisper dsl)
books to read, miles to walk and meditate,
blessings to be grateful for.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

i look up at the four pm gently sunny sky, weepy
listen to the songs, listen to more new songs
think about what to do with you
conclude the best thing is to be me

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.

saturday afternoon.

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

:) when a smile can mean more than a million useless words, i smile.

at that time

at that time it was
the funniest and most embarassing thing
in the world and though the memory
left my cheeks pink and hot
i survived, laughing,
and applauded myself for my nerve.

(we even chuckled about it together, long after)

now, i am still laughing but ever
wary and weary of rebuff, the slightest
hint (even nothing mistaken as no)
clams me up, safe and traumatized
and, oh no dear me, oh no.
yes will do and it would be wonderful.

february

I live on the edge of tears, in the well of love, on the brink of laughter, in a sea of amusement, in an ocean of affection, within the rise and fall of tides, of sadness, in pools of loneliness, bathed in sunlight, in sin, in hope and vanity, steeped in the cool cellars of honesty and acceptance.

I live.

Wala Diri

Kanami kay nahidlaw ko sa imo.
Kag biskan nahidlaw ko
Wala sing kulang sa akon
Sa amo ni nga tinion.

Indi ko daw mapatay.
Indi man daw gapangita sang atensyon
Nga daw na-adik sa kilig kag
Gapangita dugang.

Indi man daw nakulbaan.
Wala gapangita pag-aruga
Nga daw gapilit sa sigurado nga
Ginahalinan sang pagpalangga.

Indi ah.
Nahidlaw ko sa imo
Kag nanamian nga kanami man gali
Sang may ginahidlawan.

hakhakhak

oo. totoo. salamat. sa capricorn-v, capricorn-v, capricorn-v episodes!

hahahahahahaha! nakakatawa di ba? natawa ka naman kahit nalaglag na ang mga tenga mo di ba?

so wala lang talaga yong cancer-c episode na yon. masaya, parang mga tala na tinutulok. hehehe!

mom and me

Been spending time with mumsicle, and here are some observations:

1. kasing kulit, a friend calls it "super usisa." hehe!
2. super explain :D
3. super rearrange furniture :D
4. not to mention "hiyak-hiyak" tiyan in edsa traffic, and holding on to the handles for dear life.

iba ang may pinagmanahan :D

twice as

Sometimes I feel like I "graduated" from one aspect of my life to "move on" to something that is at least twice as hard, or has the potential to be twice of everything -- twice as joyful, twice as sad, twice as hard.

But isn't that the point of evolution? Oh dearie, there's that point again.

naliligaw (na post)

It always happens quite quickly. I may be a woman of few desires (a few desired men :P) but I always seem to know within the length of the first real long time together that I want him. I can go for years and years without truly wanting anyone (except vestiges of the last one wanted), meet one and know within that first day that I want him.

I say I want him because I read somewhere a few weeks ago that that’s the more honest utterance. It’s how the Spanish say I love you, “Te quiero.” I want you. Gusto kita.

Perhaps many days and nights later, when I would have had the chance to get to know that one, I’ll look back on that first episode and smile ruefully at myself. I may not have known what I was getting into. I would have realized just how little I knew the guy when I first said I wanted him. Standing atop many complications and complexes later, I could have struck on the head the girl that was I, the one with the lovestruck eyes on that first day, “Silly woman.” Because it is never as simple as it seems on that first day.

But if I really think about it, I have yet to change my mind about those that I desired, and got into relationships with. I may have fumed and ached and cried, been in bliss and laughed till I almost died. But they all had to happen. I have never (even if I may have said otherwise many times) really regretted them. I know I wanted them. I want them no longer as of this time but the truth is, I did.

For the most part (there have been exceptions and I enjoyed those too), I have been attracted to men with a sense of their personal power – the ones who knew what they wanted, knew they were good for something. The ones too who knew they wanted to talk to me, and did so. If you stood them all in a line, they mostly wouldn’t look the same. Except that if you started to get to know them better, you would know.

Then too I have always had this overwhelming (lol) desire to be held, to hold hands, to touch base physically. I have probably wasted many long moments and conversations, not being truly in that moment together, but yearning instead for the touch of the hand, wondering endlessly if he was going to take mine. I find that I look for that reassurance that I am wanted, in that touch of the hand. Sometimes I’ll need that touch even before I can even share more of myself. Pleased and confident, I can say, this is who I am, and I am glad we want each other.

******************************************

Whenever I am asked who I loved the most, I will say I loved them all – the different me’s that existed at those different times -- with all of the passion that lies quietly and fiercely within me. And often, I cry and grieve just as much and just as hard for the loss of my illusions, my hopes and my dreams as for the real love and connection that existed. If not harder. All those wish-we-could-have-done-that’s and wish-we-could-have been-that’s, they are the real stakes thru the heart in the times of loss and leaving.

But it is when you grieve that you know what you truly want. Some of those desires and daydreams wither away, but often in moving on, you are clarified of just what lies in your heart, and how what was, in fact, wasn’t.

Today I grieve for the loss of an almost-romance. I may be grieving too early, or too late. Or just at the right time. Scott Peck would say as he does in The Road Less Travelled, that I am being honest and adjusting my map of reality. I find that I am no longer comfortable chasing after my romantic dreams of me with this wonderful person. I want to give them up.

(I also find that the universe has lately been very kind. I have had to lose my hopes for men, people who were/ are truly wonderful, with whom I can picture having warm friendships with for a lifetime. The ones with whom your spirit says – “Yes, I have known you, and I have loved you and wanted you, and I will always carry that knowledge and that caring within my very cells.”)

It can only get better from here on, but in the meantime, I grieve.

Comment to the Right

Sayang, I lost my 20++ comments to the million miles for love post last year, and all other comments prior to October. Of course, Priestess has long told me that the free Haloscan account has limited memory, but I neglected to focus on the stuff I would like to read many years from now and giggle over.

I can't remove haloscan yet coz of your comments from October to today. Sorry sweeties, I am sorry for all your ruminations on this blog that have been lost, but maybe we're done with those already. Thanks for the gift of yourselves.

Comment to the right, care of Blogger. Thank you for your cooperation. Hehehe!

ang sarap ng may pinagsamahan

Spontaneous. Napailing ako kagabi noong naisip ko na bigla na lang kami nagkaroon ng "parang kailan lang" moments ng isa kong kaibigan. Sabi ko sa kanya ng mga bandang tanghali: parang kailan lang noong gusto mo siya pero hirap ka. pagkatapos ng maraming taon, gusto mo na naman siya pero ang saya mo na. ang ganda mo.

Noong bandang alas 9 ng gabi siya naman ang nagsabi: parang kailan lang na nagdinner tayo at sinusuri ng kanyang mga mata ang puso mong puno ng pagmamahal. ngayon, iba na.

Napailing ako at napangiti. Nakakatuwa naman isipin kung paano nananatili ang pagkakaibigan sa maraming yugto ng ating buhay.

Nagbabago din ang pagkakaibigan, madalas sa nakakatuwang paraan. Halimbawa na lamang kung paano nag-iiba ang lingguwahe namin ng aking kaibigan ayon doon sa kung ano ang lingguwahe ng iba pa naming importanteng kausap. Minsan, panay English ang text. Sa susunod na buwan, Filipino naman. Pero noong isang taon, panay Ilonggo ang aming kuwentuhan.

Hindi rin nagbabago ang prinsipyo: Kung saan ka masaya, eh di suportahan ta ka.

(Kahit ba minsan madalas nagbabago ang aming isip kung ano ang makakapasaya sa amin, o di kaya alam naman namin na hindi talaga makakapasaya ang isang bagay. Minsan, may mga bagay lang na dapat daanan. Paano ka matututo kung hindi mo dadaanan? Salamat na lang sa Diyosa at may mga kaibigan. Tutal, nandoon naman ang tiwala sa isa't isa na mahahanap din ang tamang timpla. Kumbaga sa adobo, try and try again hehehe.)

Commitment. Ang pagbibigay ng panahon. Ah basta, ang sarap ng may pinagsamahan. :-P

truthfully

Surprise, I'm kind of happy you showed up.
Truthfully I
I'm finding finally.
Truthfully you
You helped me find at last.
Truthfully we
Are finding out what's true.
And Truthfully I am finding out what's you.
Truthfully, I really can't explain, I'm floating, I'm smiling again.
Truthfully, I can't ignore you, cause I've been waiting for you.
Truthfully, I'm not desperate, I haven't changed my mind since we first met,
But the last thing that I want to do is to tell you that I'm right for you.
Truthfully I
I'm finding finally.

-Lisa Loeb

Dun

Sabi ni Scott Peck, maigi daw ang taong may "perception of the miraculous." Kasi life is amazing.

Sa ibang/kabilang (lol, priestess) banda, i claimed my porch last night. Una kasi bagong linis so di maalikabok. Pangalawa kasi home alone ako tapos parang I needed air (airing? :P). Tapos ang sarap kasi ng view at kaharap talaga ang moon-rise. May modern-art touch pa dahil minsan sumisilip-silip pa ang buwan sa gitna ng mga electric wire ng Meralco. Tapos malamig pero di sobrang lamig. So yun, happy. With matching pangungulit sa lahat ng mga souls na gustong mag text back sa akin (super text din kasi ako at ayaw ko kasing akalain ng mga dumadaan na tinitingnan ko sila).

Sa ibang banda, kakatuwa yong may mutual kilig moment (wala lang). O di kaya yong may mutual recognition that an important conversation is taking place.

Sa ibang banda pa, ayaw aminin ni HB na siya talaga ang trainor ko sa kakulitan. Hahaha.

halt the presses

stop!

i need a one-week all-food-supplies-in vacation from my wonderful life!

to file my files, clean my floors, think my thoughts, smile at my pictures, read my books, and massage my aching calves.

hehe.

red stuff chase

bigla na lang nagsulputan sa aking buhay ang mga bagay na kulay pula.

pagkapasok na pagkapasok ko sa opisina nitong bagong taon, may bago akong ergo chair na sobrang ganda ang pagka-RED. bright red siya. hindi ko siya hiningi, di ko nga alam na nag-order pala sila dito ng mga ergo chair. pero sa totoo lang, ako ang may pinakamagandang kulay ng silya dito. grabe.

pangalawa, bigla na lamang nila akong binigyan ng red optical mouse (si fred ba ang pangalan ng aking optical mouse? hehehe). eh, truthfully (titulo ng isang kanta na hinahanap ko sa win mix pero di ko mahanap) sobrang daming taon ko na tiniis ang dati kong mouse na ayaw magparamdam sa aking CPU. may morning ritual na nga kami nun kung saan hinihila ko at hinahampas si old mouse para maramdaman siya ng CPU. magkaibigan na nga kami nun sa tagal ng aming pinagsamahan.

tapos, noong isang linggo sinabihan ako ng ka-opisina ko na binilhan niya daw ako ng optical mouse. na red. grabe. ganda.

noong isang araw naman nakatanggap ako ng red bag na gamit na gamit ko na at kasya ang aking mga papeles na bitbit araw-araw (mapagkunyari kasi ako). sa katunayan, natapunan na nga yata ng kape ang bag. hay nakupo.

nakakatuwa naman. at maraming salamat.

nangangailangan din po pala ako ng red thong sandals dahil sobrang paborito ko ang aking red thong sandals. gusto na niya ng substitute, lalo na kung mas bouncy sana ang kapalit.

o siya, itaas ang bandilang pula :D

p.s. nahihilig talaga ako ngayon sa pagmuni-muni sa mga pattern ng mga pangyayari.

from song to song (365 days in between)

last year, a showband sang the songs.

this year, "we" did it ourselves :D

@ the priestess' party


26th year of pisces-rising freedom (hehe)


my hand is better than the mic!


my other bf and i
(hmmmmpf, the one who often changes his minds about dates, at the last minute, but sings a mean sinatra... hehehe bitter)

ALL PICS COURTESY OF OUR GODDESS FRIEND :-) (thanks HB for sharing!)

Big But

But, frankly, my dear, that is not the point.

And so goes, my wise and inspired self to my awed self, in my own personal version of "Gone With The Wind."


(And I really really really love it that that* is not the point! Hehehe!)



*That being when you feel _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ... BUT ...(again please) that is not the point. hehehe!

da bes da bes

i have a new bed. i like it. it's new but it has character. i feel it will grow along with me. i'm beginning my life with my bed with a single mattress in the middle of a queen-size cute four-poster :D. it's a metaphor for my new life (lol).

for the past two days i've found myself walking shoulder to shoulder with girlfriends along side strees, cold streets, warm in the sisterhood. that's the real "'Hood," dude.

i've also been spouting scott peck :). am on page 51 of A Road Less Travelled. when the reader is ready, the book is waiting.

i also like this song, vonda shepard's version -- "could i have this dance for the rest of my ... (week)?" *warble, warble, warble*

more warble *happy birthday dear priestess, happy birthday to you*
you're dabes, dabes ;-)

truliliks

Just like for the men of your sign, V, the position of today's planets, could put an end to the relatively bleak period (lol) you've been going through in your love life and in your creativity. If you haven't found your "soul sister" or "soul brother" yet, this period of time is quite promising. You're going to have fun and meet some very interesting people, who are able to change your life around!

O YE! BRING IT ON! (lol)

uhuh

It was funny how in the smoky bar, Cancer gf and I kept tilting heads and nodding eyebrows in agreement over many many things. Went with the sound “uhhhm,” but with the jazz music it was really all head nodding and eyebrow action. In the almost darkness.

One, we agreed (and I lifted my bottle to her in salute) that yes, I had no right to disturb her wallowing in her moment of sorrow and disappointment by pointing out the good things in her future (particularly that moment in her future when she will look back at this moment, and remember this sorrow so fondly and affectionately like a dear benighted friend).

Two, when she asked about this guy who breezed by last week whom I found charming, and I said, nah he’s not gonna “work” ‘coz he’s got criterias, we nodded heads once more. There’s no love to be found in criteria. True, it helps to know what you would appreciate but love is not a job application process. You see a person’s pathos, a person’s joy. You love a person. That’s it.*

Three, we each brought up work but nodded once, twice in agreement to postpone the discussion.

Often, we nodded in between conversations and confessions, knowing where the other is.

When we were not nodding, we were talking about stuff other people other matters that we haven’t placed our hearts and souls in, so.

Beside us, Aquarius gf jotted down things in the dark, so too absorbed.


*It can also mean a committed relationship if in settling with one's self one decides for love to involve a relationship or marriage. But then again, one can also decide to marry for convenience. The same gf, two weeks ago, dipping her hand into a bag of Chippy said that she could probably live with marrying for convenience. :P

W is for Wednesday

Hahaha. I don't know what they made of my thought -- said in class -- that a family of two Virgo people and two Capricorn kids makes for a quiet family (but a loving one, i said ;-) ). I just feel this is so true, and hence why I often feel I have a ready understanding of "earth" men. I have been in training for it all my life, the female version of the "father of the zodiac" - Capricorn. Anyway, I really just wanted to say it out loud -- hihihihi. I am all ready to be the psychologist with zodiac and feminist perspectives! There'll be no one like me!

Other "funny" things are that my teach said she wanted to be "parented" by me, after reading my reflection paper on parenting. Hehehe! I am scared for my future children, promise. Just a two-page amalgamation of thoughts from here there and everywhere including the very loving and wonderful nanay maya to scorpio aemon.

Also, I think there's nothing like a Capricorn that's showered with love and affirmation -- that's the Capricorn that flies! My theory is that there's something in the Capricorn psyche that needs affirmation that s/he is lovable and good enough, and with that kind of assurance, there's no telling what Capricorn can do and can be.

Anyway, am pretty sure this is the week when I know what I want and that makes things "sparkling." I can picture it, almost unconsciously.

33 Butingtings You Never Knew and Don’t Need to Know,

1. I wish I could talk feelings with ahem so we could help each other grow. I am tired of holding mine in a cute pink bag.
2. I am scared to death of ice-breakers! Hahahaha! I mean I’d hate to facilitate icebreakers!
3. I am a fan of blue jeans though I can’t wear them all the time.
4. I like string bikinis, they are easier to wear (particularly in some far-off beach somewhere where you don’t think you know anyone until a sorority sis from college yells out your name. Hehe!)
5. I liked the strawberry shake forays brother and I did over the Christmas break. Yummy!
6. I like that my sister can ask me advice on what clothes to pack for her trip to the Philippines and I know exactly what she means
7. I want to go to New York but not for work because I’m not convinced I’m convincing. Maybe on the lotto is a better idea, hehe!
8. Cancer girlfriends bring me comfort!
9. I am super territorial.
10. I am a lyrics person.
11. I lost my shoe lust last year but it has resurfaced this past week. Aaaaargh. It resurfaces when I am feeling impoverished during birthdays hehehe
12. I would like a new job, but what?
13. I live on a street where the numbers are not necessarily in order.
14. I like to make butingting, as in sometimes I really look for something to butingting and have many piles of butingtingkables
15. I like sitting at bars. Really.
16. I hate it when someone likes me just when I’m liking someone who doesn’t like me. I’d rather be left alone and not have to be reminded about rejection.
17. I also gather that the people who love us for no reason that you can think of are blessings and we must accept them as such but sometimes my grace urn runs dry.
18. So one of the things I’ve asked of myself this year is to have more grace.
19. One of my main pet peeves in life are People Who Mean Well, particularly the ones who mean well maliciously.
20. I was so pleased with a friend of mine who dropped by several days ago coz he was so very charming – very sweet. Nice.
21. I thought beginning the year with a trip to Boracay when the rest of humanity was already slaving away was too indulgent but it turned out to be one of the best things ever. It’s something warm and bright to think about when the blues hit you.
22. I will like a song to death and get tired of it and never want to hear it again till the next century.
23. I don’t feel the same way about books as I do about songs. I keep most books but have lately been training myself to give away those I can live without, and even to give away those I love just to be able to share the words.
24. I like it when sometimes I am aware I am consciously “loving” someone – a friend, family member – providing emotional support.
25. I'm so glad I feel better about work today than I did two days ago.
26. I hate it that ahem hardly ever reads my blog. It's indifference! What more evidence do I need that I must move on? (Oooops, back to angst ;-)

26 for now, perhaps 7 more tomorrow.

On second thoughts, sunny skies at night call for a celebration! Yahooo!
27. I want ahem to show me his world because when he once described showing it to me, I wanted to give him the chance to do so (hehe! may patronizing drama)
28. I have stopped relating my furniture to ahem. Hahahaha! Funny me but that's truly good news.
29. Actually when I'm at my most secure I have already moved on.
30. And when you've truly moved on, it's all right that you've moved on.
32. Who would have thought getting my leave and budget requests approved would make me feel this cheerful?
33. I am after all, quite simple.
34. I also believe that the Egyptian Temple Priestess has moved on. :D
35. What I envy about married couples is their regular sex life. Hahahaha.

And I meant to stop at 33.

bugger

i can't figure out why a friend has gone all tweetams on me. i mean i've still been me so i don't know what changed. obviously, it wasn't me. hehe. it makes me feel helpless coz if suddenly he becomes masungit it'll obviously be also not me (just another random occurrence in the universe).

as for this dance with another friend. i've decided not to like him anymore but then he talks to me so i feel open and then he withdraws, for whatever reason. oh bugger this stupid dance. so now i feel i have to withdraw again just so he won't think i'm chasing him. and withdrawing is so unnatural when you just want to be.

mwahahahaha. i have funny problems.

"if there was even the slightest doubt that tomorrow the sun would somehow not come out ..."

There's a particular block of streets north of my office that induces/ seduces/ catches me unaware with what-have-you thoughts. My short trek for pan de sal (following a hunger pang) made me think that love is recognizing, appreciating, and honoring a person's humanity (ang kanyang pagkatao). It's I love you because you move me, because I see you. :-)

*****************************************************

but of what use is it to see someone if they don't see you anyway. ;-) just for the heck of it, diet coca cola?

and then sometimes, some people see me and i know it looks like the real thing. but i don't see them the way they see me and them seeing me reminds me of me seeing someone else who doesn't see me, and all that convoluted arrangement of "see's" and "me's" just ends up as a lot of energy gone haywire.

ayaw ko talagang may gusto sa akin kapag may gusto akong iba na ayaw sa akin.

hehehehe.

*****************************************************

This afternoon, they moved me. (But it's not love yet ;-) hehehe!)

My friend saying she was transported by the sight of Van Gogh's Sunflowers. Our other friend saying, he does believe she will survive in New York.

Akira writing about the heartbreak kid and the heartbreak kid's ex-gf.

Apo Jim writing about his underwater buddies. Ang galing galing ni Redford White! Hehe.

Ala saying she does not want to migrate to Australia for two years starting next year but she will anyway.

Jazz Don’t

The emote-emote girls and I were discombobulated (dismayed, shocked, flabbergasted, banging heads against the wall) to discover that the universe had other ideas about our planned jazz date.

We’ve had plenty of jazz dates in the past and they have always turned out to be musical dates of beauty – we’ve trooped from Monk’s Dream (Jupiter) to Monk’s Dream (Rockwell), been present at Jazz Nights at the 70’s Bistro, and have even popped into other obscure jazz places in the metropolis. We have also swooned to free jazz concerts in the malls or at UP, and been to swoon in front of Diana Krall, etc etc and so on and so forth.

So when we decided to bring HH to Merk’s Bar at Greenbelt, we thought we’d be assured of a quality jazz night – after all Merk’s Bar is marketed as a jazz bar in one of the more tony places in town.

But, no. Nooooooooooooooooo.

Their Saturday showband was simply horrible. But I think it was mostly the shock that did us in – the shock of such a band at such a place and in view of the undeniable fact that we have loads of utterly cool jazz groups and jazz singers. We’ve seen them!

So what was this?!?!

Fortunately HH and his unfailing sense of the absurd came to his rescue and he had a hilarious time giggling at the percussionist’s expressions during performance.

As for me, I had vodka.

storytime

Once upon a time there was a certain siopao that wanted to know if it was espeyshal. And this zerten siopao didn't just want to know if it was espeyshal in its flavor and nutrition to just anyone! But no, no such thing and no such luck! This siopao specifically wanted to know if it's espeyshal to only one zerten chinez! We don't know why this is so. One reason could be the lack of certainty serves to fuel the siopao's fixation!

Adding to the siopao's dilemma was the one zerten thing in this edible situation. If the siopao asked, the answer would certainly be no. Promise. Because the chinez has yet to learn the word yes. (Much like a favorite two-year-old's and some adults whose favorite syllable is "No" just because.)

LOL. So the siopao is stuck in the steamer.

But not really. The siopao is bored in the hot steamer so has been making forays into other counters and kitchens, just seeing more of the world, and an occasional broad chest. Sometimes though, thru zerten occasions, it could seem like the siopao might could would know the answer to the siopao question.

But, no, foiled again. There's no answer to the espeyshal question. Not anytime soon, and perhaps never.

May the food gods and goddesses grant the siopao the best of luck, as it goes on to other cafes and food courts, with less regrets than the maximum possible number, even as in its heart, it does know that it is espeyshal to itself.

the end (as of today)

good am lyrics

If there was ever a chance
That the moon would never shine again
If there was ever the slightest doubt
That tomorrow the sun would
Somehow not come out
If such a thing could possibly come true

-More Than The Stars, NATALIE COLE

i asked joannie

if you were the goddess, what job would you give me? and she rattled off:

documentor
teacher
counsellor
events organizer
columnist
travel agent (joke daw)
tour guide
website manager
food critic
with matching comment: chester, kailangan mo nang sumulat ng travelogue

as for her, she would be: actor, ama and psychic reader.

thanks, chester!

but

1. it makes me feel really guilty, and
2. my internal brook bubbles forth spoiling the effect. lol.

i am being

unreasonable.

my last blog for the day

why is it that my idea of a great date is lying together outdoors on a banig/sarong reading books?

hehehe.

i can't imagine.

(re work re work. obviously it's a worthwhile project. but i can't imagine how.)

because i can't seem to shut up today

here's another post:

after years and years and years, i heard from my friend T from the UK who's now "doing the mortgage thing," hehe!

i also got a sweet letter from my favorite Pisces girl :-)

and this yet other Capricorn friend has been really thoughtful these past few days,

and did I tell you about my other friend's chest? hehehehe!

and I got touching a card from older wiser sister M, of whom I am often scared but who has the most love in her heart, promise.

and i got together with long time gf S yesterday --

here's to another year of unexpected surprises and blessings, and luuuurve, as Rudie sings it, "I feel it in my fingers..."

hahahaha!

kibit balikat "''Ma!" as in "no answer"

Sabi Nila (kung sino man sila) kailangan, "face your fears." So naisipan kong magtapang-tapangan ngayong araw ng Bagong Buwan (New Moon :P). Siguro kaya di niya pa rin ako binabati dahil may gusto siyang iba at nagugulohan siya sa sarili niya kung paano niya sasabihin ang news sa akin. Baka naging sila noong party kamakailan (hahahah :P!)

Kasi bakit pa ako pinagpayuhan ng psychic na sa loob ng isang taon, dapat isipin kong wala siya talaga, nang sa gayon pagkatapos ng taon, hindi na magiging mahalaga kung nandiyan pa siya o wala na nga. Di ba ang galing ng technique ng psychic? Kunyari wala para sa di katagalan wala na nga at ok lang. Pero relax lang muna kayo mga pare at mare, at iisang buwan pa lang, di pa isang taon. Hindi ko kayang ibigay ang buwan at araw ;-)

Tapos, balik trabaho na ako. Sa totoo lang, noong isang taon pa ako nagdesisyon na lilipat na talaga ako mula sa trabaho ko sa taong ito. Para maiba, dahil walong taon na po si bulaklak dito. So, medyo sawa na ako. Pero paano na yan at ang pinakamalaking proyekto ng aking programa ay magaganap sa taong ito. Hindi ba naman maging some kind of asshole ako pag iniwan ko yon? So in the meantime, stuck ako dito with my lukewarm feelings. Hindi magandang pangitain ang may lukewarm feelings ka sa isang proyektong mahalaga pero baka mas masamang iwanan ito kahit pa ba hindi ako ang pinakaimportanteng nilalang para sa mga magaganap (hindi talaga!). Kaya tinitiis ko ang aking lukewarm feelings at ang kagulohan ng lahat ng preparasyon.

Dagdag pa, hindi rin malinaw sa akin kung saan ko gustong lumipat. Hahaha. At sa krisis ng ekonomiya at krisis ng mundo, sakit ng ulo yata ang mawalan ng trabaho. Ewan ko. Sa ngayon, nabibighani ako sa aking inaaral pero hindi pa rin malinaw kung magiging maganda nga ba ang kalalabasan, kung ok nga ba ang area na ito, ayon sa aking kutob, at kung magiging magaling nga ba ako sa area na ito, ayon sa aking ini-imagine. At dahil kasisimula ko pa lamang, halos wala pa akong alam. Pero pinagmamabuti kong galingan ang aking puwede nang gawin sa ngayon. Pero dapat maging bukas pa rin ang aking isip at attitude sa ibang options para di rin ako ma stuck sa ideya ng bagong field na ito, kung saka-sakaling hindi pala bright future ang pinupuntahan.

At bago ko makalimutan, mahal ko talaga ang mga kasama ko sa trabaho. Bilang Capricorn, napamahal na sila sa akin, alam man nila yon o hindi at whether or not mahal man nila ako o hindi. Pero ang hirap na rin ng trabahong walang sinasantong skedyul dahil nakadepende sa mga developments sa mga isyung sinusubaybayan at nilalabanan. Hindi naman maiwasan, alangan namang hayaan na lamang natin na tumaas ng tumaas ang utang ng bansa, o kaya'y pagkitaan tayo ng husto sa mga bagay na lubos na mahalaga sa buhay tulad ng tubig at kuryente?

Kaya malinaw pa sa tubig sa baso ko, nasa kondisyon talaga ako ng hindi ko po alam at nagmamatyag pa ang aking puso kung ano ang maganda.

Pero bago ko makalimutan ang lahat, bagama't marami akong hindi alam, sobrang dami din naman ang aking kailangang ipasalamat katulad ng pagmamahal ng pamilya at kaibigan, kalusugan, tirahang maganda, at pati na rin ang aking sariling maganda, tabain, matalino, tamarin, nakakatawa at bornotin.

So, yon na nga, 33 na nga ako. Wish me well, at ako rin, ikaw, "I wish you ;-)!"

my happy thought for the day is that of a

BROAD CHEST.

hahahaha! i wish!

heart thanks

Am thankful to all those who specifically wished me all that my heart desires :D

The hitch is that currently i really don't know what exactly my heart desires. It is lost in thought and half-formed half-dissolving desires and prefers to go to sleep before midnight.

It only offers clear instructions about food trips, like last Saturday's to Breakfast at Antonio's, Tagaytay.


My Spanish Fritatas. Frightfully good ;-)

Thanks to this cute couple for the treat.

Happy Anniv! It's good to share January 8 with you.

And thanks too to all those who know who they are. Hehe!


P.S. There's a New Moon today full of good intentions :D

January 10: New Moon in Capricorn
This new Moon shines in Capricorn, a logical, persistent
earth sign that's very concerned with achievement. Put
these two forces together, and you've got a special celestial
opportunity to realize your highest ambitions. Start
planning to take over the world (or at least your little
piece of it) now, and the practical, efficient influence of
this new Moon will give a little rocket fuel to your
take-off. Just be prepared to hold onto another important
Capricorn quality as you see your plans through --
patience. It's a virtue, remember?

This new Moon will especially influence those of you born
under the cardinal signs, particularly Libras born October
10-14, Capricorns born January 9-13, Aries born April 7-11
and Cancers born July 10-14.

P.P.S.
I think love also means "worrying" about the state of mind and spirit of your friends. Wala lang, sometimes I find myself second-guessing where beloved creatures are at :-) (and i mean girls :P)

makahilibion

Huhuhu, claimed a present at the post office today that makes me want to weep! (oh yes, i am pisces rising and weepy! :P).

It's my A Woman's Diary for 2005 and each week you get to note down these things:

1. Last week: i enjoyed these blessings/ triumphs
2. Last week: I faced these challenges: disappointments
3. This week: I will
4. This week: I will hope for/ pray for/ meditate on

It also comes with marvelous quotations from women such as "there are many, many gates to the sacred, and they are as wide as we need them to be." by Sherry Ruth Anderson and Patricia Hopkins in The Feminine Face of God, 1991.

And, last but not the least, it comes beautifully illustrated with the magical works of Susan Seddon Boulet including Athena below.




As the velveteen dd said, "your wonderful mother." It's from my wonderful mother, indeed! Thanks so much Ma, love you ;-)

rituals: endings and beginnings

I've had a reflective (and food-happy hihihi) past few days, and am in a good spot on my mountain goat's climb (truly i am a pig slash mountain goat mwehehehehehe). It is sunny but cool on this spot!

I want to salute (*salutes* hehe) my favorite people on the web's rituals for ending 2004 and beginning 2005. Click the links and read more. It's never too late :-D.

1. the desire for a brown dog, and other such relevant things.

"on new years eve, keri and i sat by the fire, and made a list of 100 things about ourselves. the goal was for them to come out as quickly as possible, and completely devoid of thought. well, not devoid of thought, but the intent was for them not to be premeditated. a stream of consciousness if you will. though a rather long read, my list is below [above]. why i feel compelled to post this list here, is rather a mystery to me, but such it is."

2. Find the post entitled Let Go,
1 January 2005
"After the stroke of midnight, after we hooted and hollered and blew our horns, after we exchanged "Happy New Year"s and "I love you"s with our families via cell phone, after we clinked glasses brimming with champagne, we each grabbed a balloon and went outside.

Earlier, we'd made lists of fears, anxieties and issues we wanted to let go of this year. We rolled each scrap of paper into a tiny scroll and tied them to the balloons. "

3. Andrea made a list and placed it in a bottle.

4. Ala found 5 words or phrases to sum up 2004

5. And lastly Gingmaganda listed out 100 things she is thankful for in 2004. Hehe, I like her list! I initially wanted to make one but copped out, I would incriminate myself too much or feel too guilty! Wahahaha.

Happy growing! Lean towards the sun!

:-( :-) ;-)

I feel traumatized today from lugging my very full and heavy pink backpack and another satchel across sand dunes, over water, to the airport, to the plane, to the cab. Plus there wasn't time for breakfast or lunch. By the middle of the afternoon, in a meeting, you could barely coax a smile out of me, I felt so tired.

But dang, Boracay was so good for me. Sea, sun, sand, food and the best company. There's nothing like the real thing baby.



I've gotten back the gift of looking forward, instead of looking all the way baaack all the time. Yippeee, yippeee.