bursts of h

now that the ABC who cooked japanese has finallllly released his philippines 2006 pictures, it's brought to mind my personal partial analysis of why that visit went so well :D unlike the last time, when i was kinda dyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing about the whole thing, i was really pretty relaxed this time around. relaxed indicators: i never planned ahead of time what to wear (wahahaha), i had no ulterior motives, and therefore had almost nothing to lose and everything to gain. i freely shared him with all my dearly beloveds, and a nice time was had by all on many occasions both planned and spontaneous. especially me who was happy to see them all appreciating each other's company. it was fun.

(and that trip to lemery lemery lemery life is but a dream ... was my most carefree chunk of this year thus far. i think of it most gleefully)

previously, i grew insecurities the way a tree grows branches. i had paroxyms of jealousy over the witty exchanges with other friends, and had unpleasant uncomfortable and all too human thoughts comparing myself with my sisters, the lights of my life. it was because i wanted more hehehehe. and my romantic feelings made me feel very vulnerable, and insecure.

i think of this because i am undergoing paroxysms again, and want to show myself, that yes, things can and do change, and life gets easier again. it's just the wheel.

***
i'm also saying this because oprah and this other therapist person were bearing in on this woman who was left by her hubby in a yacht somewhere. they were in the middle of their relationship and coupledom, and he just disappeared. wife says it was probably his narcissism. and though she looked ok on the show, they were picking up on her self that was still connected with him, still hoping he'd be fine, and that he'd see the light, and come back, and make up for all that he has done, etc. and so oprah and this therapist person said that the part of her that was connecting to him was indication of some kind of self-hatred. aaaaaawwww. that's just too unkind. anyway, it looked like the girl couldn't relate with what them two secure women were saying. maybe she will, in time, maybe she won't. but the me in this moment felt that self-hatred is just too strong a word.

i remember when bf the second disappeared south of the coastal highway, and it was clear from all indications (new gf, check; cheated on me, check; escaped, check) that he wasn't loving me, still my most me of me's just couldn't believe that he didn't still love me. my shocked person could only remember his self who had loved me, and expressed this many times (express being different from acted it out) to me, in whom i had deeply believed. it took a long time, and a lot of anger, but i only really moved on when i didn't care anymore whether he loved me or not. hehe.

this was my story and those were my wounds and though i've long ago moved on, those experiences left deep-seated fears and worries that get activated when i find myself in "at risk" situations. (at risk of great love, great joy and great loss). it's just that any compassionate understanding of myself (by myself and by others) has to take into account those situations ;)

***
but it's true that i am at once both very mixed up and very clear these days. i am very mixed up, there is a part of me that feels very guilty for going back on promises that i made to myself about you, and for my fixating on certain beliefs about us.

and also because the us, was true, is true. i hate myself for turning my back on it because it was something (the understanding and empathy that we have for one another) that moved me, and continues to move me still.

it's just that i want more, more, more. hehehe. and because this is what i want, the wanting of it brings me to plenty of paroxysms of this and that, that gets in the way of my peace, and gets in the way of our fun and spontaneous friendship. the us that gets in the way of our us.

***

i also wanted to say about one of my most relieved moments this year. now that the enthusiastic priestess is back to her exclamatory self :D (not that her other selves are any less worthy of love and friendship, not at all), i just wanted to tell her that one of my most relieved and happy moments this year was when she responded so honestly and openly to my then could-not-anymore-be-stopped-somewhat-worried-the tiniest bit exasperated-and the bigger chunk missing her- question, naano ka? the moment i sent it i was so scared she'd get pissed, clam up or something. but she responded in the spirit in which the message was sent, and all at once, everything was ok, and that moment in our friendship was i felt truly blessed :D.

(at that time, when she was most feeling the need to lick wounds in private, i was missing her ever-present supportive cheerleading. she had spoiled us with it thru the years and though i understood and supported her need to be alone and quiet and non-social, i was somewhat at my wits' end at that particular moment in babysitting and could not help but wail.)

so i just want to say THANK YOU to the excitable aquarian for mustering up her energies and love for me during the times when it was especially difficult for her to do so. Mwah, thanks ddness, love you.

***

but of course each one of us wage our battles, navigate our way thru the everyday. ddness is beaming, hb is activist (i am so glad hb that your words are written down somewhere ready to move those that need to be moved in the right time ... however contrary that may sound to the message of your missive hehe), my bro and dad confided to me separately last christmas that it was difficult to find out how the other was because they'd just go silent (hehe!), my mom and sis have their own virgo-scorpio dramas, and i am presently paroxysmal.

***

and about to lose all my money for the payment of overdue library books :D.

absolutely the end.

milat-milat

thanks ning for the Care2 e-card.Card image © Camilla Eriksson "Venus (animated)"

once upon a time, long ago,
in a galaxy four streets away,
i needed a document from dinasaur's pc,
and she gave me the password b*lat,
but i never got the document,
because, wrong spelling wrong.

hahaha. she had it in an "i"
but i typed an "e".

but anyway, i mention this because
yesterday i milat-milat (pinilosopo :D)
this guy friend who texted me the theme
of yesterday's women's march:
a woman's place is in the struggle! o*st gma! ;))

i said, instead, the struggle should be pro-women.
hehehehe! wala lang.

ayaw ko lang may tinatawag na "a woman's place".

(kahit saan man 'yon sa home man or sa struggle).
basta kung saan ang woman, 'yon 'yon.

(pero siyempre cooperative naman ako sa mga kabaro at
nakikulay din sa mga nagmartsa. ika nga ng may-ari ng runes,
ang "lavender subculture". pero di totoo yon, fuschia po :))

tapos, tapos, bilang gimik sa women's day, sa PBB,
pina-cross dress nila ang mga kalalakihan. huh??? eh ibig
sabihin, tungkol pa rin yon sa mga kalalakihan at di
pa rin tungkol sa kababaihan. mga babae pa nga nahirapan,
kaka-make-up sa kanila.

pero guilty din ako sa focus on men kasi nakuha ko pa ring
bumati sa ilang kalalakihan sa phonebook ko ng: binabati ko
ang inyong inner woman. hmmmp, pinagkagastusan ko pa sila ng
text. wala lang.

gusto ko lang mang-asar :D ... at bumati sa
mga iilan na kumikilala sa kanilang inner woman
na sa tingin ko ay mahalagang aspeto ng sarili
ng bawa't lalaki.

1

Dear v,
Here is your couple's love horoscope
for Thursday, March 9:

A big bout of cleaning will help get you back on track. If your home and office are in shape (and knowing you, they probably are), clean out some old relationship habits. Heck, it might be time to toss them altogether.

sangtaongpagmamahalanmagulomasayamalungkotmalinawmasalimuot. anong susunod? ;)

saya-saya

tues - report on filipino adult development
wed - term paper on angel reading as a projective technique due
sat - research symposium: presentation of research on friendship intimacy due (group work)
tues - term paper on development of intimacy on women and men due
wed - take home finals for projectives due; final exam on research
thurs - final research paper on friendship intimacy due.

:D

venusinaquarius self

do i dare?
oo, i dare ;))

hehe.
kaya mo 'yon, angels?

hehehe.

actually, hindi ko pa 'yon nagagawa.
ever.

;))

symbol saging

ewan ko ba kung bakit kahapon pagkagising ko naisip ko na namiss ko na kumain ng saging. yong lakatan, mahaba tapos maraming potassium. hehe. tapos noong hapon na, nagkatagpo kami ni ivan sa ym classroom at nagkasundo na magkita bago siya pumasok sa klase.

bago kami magkita, nagtext ako sa kanya na dalhan niya ako ng saging. sabi naman niya, sure! para sa mga hindi nakakakilala kay ivan, sadyang mahilig siya sa saging. madalas may baon siyang saging sa bag.

kaya naisip ko tuloy na baka kaya naisip ko ang saging dahil magkikita pala kami ni ivan. noong christmas party pa ang huli naming pagkikita. ang alam ko kasi marami siyang gustong ikuwento sa akin.

wala lang, gusto ko lang kasi mapatunayan ang papel ng simpleng simbolo sa pang-araw araw na buhay.

sabi naman ng anghel na si Bridget, may mga bagay daw na hindi pinapaalam/ sinasabi sa akin. tinanong ko kung ano kaya ito, lumabas si Chantall, ang anghel ng new romance. baka may nabubuong pag-iibigan kalakip ang mga taong malapit sa akin, na wala akong ka alamalam.

me moirs

so one day last week, i got up and left my groupmate, male.
a male male, one who's too noisy, and told me to keep my next week
free because he's taking a leave. hello, kiddo. i don't make
myself available for just anyone or on command because i do my
work anyway, when i can, regardless of your sked, but of course
we will meet but no, not keep my week free for you.

and so i left him to wait for the xerox, and walked off to the
other building for a bite before class, and there i met with
last sem's classmate, woman, and we had a fabulous time right then
and there on the benches having one of my favorite conversations
of all time (the one about the hard-knocks university vs the kind
university) and i love her because she's my decade. and there's worlds
of meaning in that.

(yes, sometimes, age gets to me at university because my classmates
are all so young and they can't imagine how wonderful it is too
at my age, and it sometimes makes me feel ancient and out of it
instead of being exactly where and who i am.) and next semester,
we will be classmates again, and we can't wait.

and just the other day, i realized i do have a role to play in
this universe because i really am entering psychology with a firm
grasp of feminism, and a feminist agenda. yes, agenda in the themes
and topics that i choose, and the research questions that i ask, and
because i realized, many others don't have and need that kind of
background (that gender is not some inane and neutral variable promise)

and one day too last week, the only Catholic priest in my life turned
to me and asked if i wanted to be a clinical psychologist, and i said,
yes! and he said ok, i must get as much experience as i can and get
many many kids to draw for me, because we were learning about
drawings.

and this afternoon i browsed thru the Philippine publications/ books
at the bookstore and remembered how I've always liked Philippine
contemporary literature and have followed thru the years what they
came out with and once interviewed for work this publishing firm that's
shaped the business

lastly, i really enjoyed our research defense day. i love hearing/
learning about other studies: what they are asking, how they plan to
answer their questions, and the panelists' comments. it was most
educational. ;))

good cheer

hola! having a little too much before-the-deluge fun.

yes fun.
three movies, three beers, and some mall time and meals with friends.

yes, a deluge.
two term papers, two exams, one group report, and one research project to go.
six thangs in 17 days or 3 days per thing to do.

OHMYGODDESS.

at least, in the next three weeks, nothing else matters.

as if life worked that way ;))

p.s. but lest you think it's just slacking off around here (hehehe guilt), had an exam and research proposal defense last week, too :)

reel parents

extremely noteworthy parents lately, fromthemovies:

1. if you walked the line, weren't june's parents simply ace?

when johnny was wrestling with his tractor in the woods, it was june's empathetic mom who told her to go to him, because he was a "mixed up" kid. in my view, traditional less-discerning parents would have said, "drive!" because from all indications, johnny looked like trouble, and what parent wants trouble for their daughter? she also recognized that june was involved with him already, involved in the real heart-sense.

also when that drug pusher came looking for johnny, it was june's frail-looking dad, and the mom who took up firearms and threatened the drug pusher. hahaha! loved that scene.

2. and if you climbed brokeback mountain (where the cold nights were so extremely cold prompting a silly girl* to say, ahhhh... kaya pala! haha!) weren't Jack's parents utterly loving to Ennis? leaves you with the impression they had been accepting of their son Jack.

*it was this blog's author and she was just being stupid which is fun to do, too. :P

unang langoy

napapadalas na naman
ang pagbukas/pag-abuso/paglinis
(mamili ka ng kataga)
ko ng aming ref.

nahahalata na naman
na kailangan mapunuan/mapawi
(alin sa dalawa)
ang pagka-uhaw sa pagmamahal.

madalas akong napapagod sa
aking sarili at sa pangangailangang
isaisip isa-isa ang mga gagawin,
kung hindi ay tiyak kong malilimutan

ang mga ito. o baka mas tamang sabihin na
takot ko lang mawalan ng lakas na
magpatuloy kahit na alam ko naman na
gusto ko, at ang mga ito

ang nagpapabuhay sa akin.
sadyang walang madali kailangan pa rin
hinkayatin ang sarili.
kahit na ako na siguro ang isa

sa mga kilala kong sobrang
sinusuwerte sa mundo.
baka lang din kasi akala ko
sa effort na gawing simple

ang buhay ko mas lalo akong nalulungkot
dahil kasama sa kaligayahan ang
komplikasyon
at saka

humahaba na naman ang litanya
ko kesyo sana puwedeng mag-demand
o mag-expect kahit na ok nga na
hindi eh

kaya't pag ganito mas mabuti nang
manahimik at mapag-isa nang sa gayon
walang masasaktan o maaaway. mabuti
na lang mapagmahal ang kaibigang

payag na kaladkarin kong magsine kahit
na malakas ang protesta kong ayaw ko
siyang samahan bumili ng malaking payong,
siya'y payag pa rin.

gone, swimming

Off to swim The Seven Seas.

Take care while I'm away :D.

vvness

LOVE TO ALL :)

the way to help this country and others from where i am standing at the moment (meaning just myself ;) ... i am sure there's as many best ways to help this country and others at this very moment, starting from every individual wish to do so :D ) is to be the best me that i can be starting with the fact that ...

i have just submitted my financial liquidation to the old office for the year just passed. YEHEY. that's one more weight off my shoulders. (it's also a very practical contribution hahaha because now they can get audited and can get more funds and do more activities to ... heal the world and make it a better place ... so there :P ... i bet the lowbrains behind that brawn tactics proclamation don't know that's a truly "inciting" thought :P)

forward onto the week. there's more, starting with my exam tomorrow. i declare every right answer my personal anti-gloria act.

hehehe!

Pinoy BIG BiG

Incidentally, the perils of TV-watching, reality tv, and the big profit-maximizing networks notwithstanding, celeb pbb is very very watchable! hehehe! and that statement is why i am hiding this post under two others.

so tonight this bianca girl was seen telling the roxy girl about her bf, and that she was afraid she was not strong enough for the strong person that her bf is (you can kalabit me for the narrative if you're interested in the details). and this roxy girl said love him yes you can, but if what you want is a simple relationship ...

so of course that brought me to myself. because i've said that to myself too :D, and i've replied to myself in various ways at different times. and the prevailing answer has been to look at my strengths, and our strengths together, and to celebrate those, always, over and above, any of my fears (and those are strong too) and misgivings. because actually if i look at where i am and where we are, i am actually a very strong woman, and it is very possible that i can be as strong as i'll need to be. for myself. for him. for the world. ... ay, yon sobra na yon ;))

i have my mega doubts every few hours/ days. it's never easy. perhaps, it's just that it's easier not to have to take on fears that i can't do anything about anyway, rather than stick with the things i already know are good, and have the bad habit to forget/ minimize.

at the very least, it's been very educational.

and very often, i pray all the time :) (whatever that means very often all the time ;)). for courage.

and give thanks for everything that is good.

whereas

whereas (as of 1 pm afp/dnd presscon) "all men [in the afp] are accounted for," therefore we are now in a state of national emergency (11 am).

d'uh.

the old 45's

Here's another from my soul's secret playlist that goodness only knows contains what else!

Yesterday, meditating in the middle of an entrancing and hectic lecture, I realized I did, still, despite the wonderfulness of this moment and the numerous pitfalls involved in not-this, want that.

It's always interesting to be clarified :D

And so after getting a class of water from the refrigerator, I burst forth like I have no business singing:

Candles burning glasses are chilled and soon she'll be by hope and pray she'll say that she's willing to give us another try and if all those songs I made don't melt the lady's heart I'll put on the old 45's.

And maybe the old songs will bring back the old times maybe the old lines will sound new maybe she'll lay her head on my shoulders maybe old feelings will come true

Maybe she'll start to cry and wonder why we ever walked away maybe the old songs will bring back the old times and make her want to stay.

And yes, I typed that in by heart being another one of those from my adolescent cassette tapes!

The natural buoyancy of souls

What goes down must come up, isn’t one of the more reassuring phrases dive instructors can say to students. It doesn’t guarantee life :D. But it’s true though, and divers can count on it. If you stay still, and don’t panic, and take off all things that weigh you down, you will eventually reach the surface. (In fact, it’s often worse if you reach the surface too soon because you need to give enough time to emit the nitrogen you take in underwater … or something like that hahaha … I obviously need a refresher course).

My soul is sending up the occasional bubbles, in the form of bits of songs. They arise unexpectedly, come from a particular chunk of my growing up years, and usually match my mood/ thoughts. It’s been a bit striking such that I’ve taken to paying attention. For instance, as I stepped out of the shower: if you remember me, I hope you see, it’s not the way I want it to be, or I’ll be with you now, but wherever I go, my love goes with you, keep on smiling, keep on shinin’, sometimes even time can come between…

Yes, like that. Going straight back to the days when I had gotten hold of my uncle’s copy of a Jingle magazine containing lots of Billy Joel’s old songs (Friday night I crashed your party, Saturday I said I’m sorry, Sunday came and you trashed me out again, I was only having fun, wasn’t hurting anyone, and they all enjoyed the weekend for a change…) that I learned by heart and can sing like any rock star without an audience. :P

Or when my college-age older cousins taught me this ritual where you wrote a question pertaining to your love life, and the name of the object of affection on a piece of paper, burned the paper over a candle, placed the ashes under your pillow, turned on the radio, and the third song would be the answer to your question. No kidding.

My secret life as a 12, 13, 14-year-old revealed here for all to see. Hehe.

And so these songs that I just suddenly find myself singing, they aren’t LSS because they are hardly played anywhere anymore. It’s just my consciousness telling me what’s up, sister, in my truly present :).

Mahal kita kahit ano pa.

Paano kung mahal mo ang isang kaibigan,
Boy Abunda asks?

{cue in laughter}

He missed asking me to guest in his show.
So from me, he’ll never know ;))

But lucky you will :) :) :) (lol).

Yep (as Australians will say)
It’s not at all easy.

But perhaps it’s easier than loving the same friend
in the context of a romantic relationship.

(Right now, it is. But that was sweet too.)

And besides, for me, right now
it’s not about ease or difficulty.

It’s about me.
It’s about finding security for myself.

Not wealth not status not prestige.
But about claiming my power.

And knowing I am, will be ok no matter what.
No matter what comes up, comes next.

No matter who comes by and leaves.

My commitments

EsJi said there was no way I could have refused him
Because he watched over my house while I was away.

(But I forgot about that already, because I thanked him properly.)

Rather, it’s my commitment to the world’s women
That when it appears like the only reason I can’t is because I won’t

1) Then I have to. Hehehe.
Thanks again, HB.

* *

Also (those that jump out as of now)

2) To be there for Joanna for specifically that which we have agreed on
(because she asked, and I said yes, and it’s the one thing I can do, on this)

I have enjoyed it chester!
Have a meaningful trip! :)
Want to hear about it already!

3) To disclose my whereabouts and activities to HB
and vice versa, because that’s the way we love each other. LOL.

the sulky teenager that i am/was

So anyway (which is a bad way to start a writeup, as my high school English teacher taught me ... No I made that part up :D as I am currently missing my self who was one of my high school English teacher's best students hehehe ... just kidding :D), I've spent Sunday so far in tears over the Second Summer of the Sisterhood* of the Traveling Pants (which is bad for grades, but to heck with my papers for now).

I just feel that somehow, part of us will always be that uncertain afraid brave adolescent, who in hating, loved more.

CARMABELLE

"Well." Carmen lifted her arms in the air and locked her elbows. She examined her hands up there. "Let's see. I want you to leave me alone, but not ignore me. I want you to miss me when I go away to college, but not be sad. I want you to stay exactly the same, but not be lonely or alone. I want to do the leaving, and not have you ever leave me. That's not really fair, is it?"

Christina shrugged. "You're the daughter. I'm the mother. It's not meant to be fair." She laughed. "I don't recall you changing any diapers."

Carmen laughed too.

"Oh, and one other thing." Carmen rolled back onto her side, facing her mom. "I want you to be happy." p. 283


LENNY
Dear Bee,

I send you the Pants full of love and strangeness. ... I mean putting yourself out there in the way of overwhelming happiness and knowing you're also putting yourself in the way of terrible harm. I'm scared to be this happy. I'm scared to be this extreme.

Love,
Lena

LENA, again
Two important things happened on Lena's fourth and last day in Greece. The first thing was that Grandma gave Lena Bapi's hideous white tasseled shoes, and amazingly, they fit Lena's giant feet. Grandma looked aghast, like she hadn't actually meant for Lena to put them on, but Lena was very pleased.

*By Ann Brashares, who should go and meet Australia's Melina Marchett, who wrote Looking for Alibrandi. Because I say so :D. thanks DD for the loan of the books!

carrier

carry your heart with me(i carry it in... (92)
e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

weekend, promise

I woke up at nine am
And then again at eleven
How nice it is to wake up twice.

I sipped coffee kept the aircon on
So hot outside and how much I
Love summer.

I ordered lunch, and they
Forgot the rice.
How great. Bless.

I talked with my friends, in a
Literal figurative internet group
Hug. Separate chat windows and all.

I blogged about my friend
One of precious few male pals.
May there be more.

I “start” my day at three.
Coz even though I already started.
And “done” much.

The type one (secret type four)
Capricorn woman, without laundry hanging
Hasn’t started at all.

buddha

dahil kulang ang poem ni HB at marami pang kailangan idagdag tulad ng ukol kay Michael.

dear michael,

hindi totoo na mas magaling-galing daw ang derechahang usapan (yong naririnig) kesa pakiramdaman. may kanya-kanyang kagandahan ang bawa't paraan at kagaya ng lahat ng bagay sa mundo, pinakamaganda kung nababalanse ang dalawa. yong pagspeak out at speak up ay nauukol sa ibang bagay, kaganapan, panahon. yong pagkaalam at pagintindi ng walang salita ay mas angkop naman sa ibang kalagayan. minsan, kailangan dalawang paraan, sabay na ginagawa. kung sa bagay, iisa lang naman ang importante sa dalawa --yong motibong nanggagaling sa lab, at sa wish na all will be well and all will be happy with everyone.

(teka lang pala, gusto ko lang din sabihin na minsan yong pagalala, WORRY, o yong pagkaawa, PITY, ay hindi ang mas mapagmahal na paraan o motibo sa pakikitungo, pakikipagrelasyon at paglikha ng mas mapagmahal na mundo. mas maganda yong kaisipan na lahat ay may kaya, makakagawa ng paraan, matututo din. at magkakaroon ng tulong na di inaasahan kung tayo'y hihingi ng tulong at bukas sa pagdating nito. hindi puwede yong, help, sabay talikod dahil sa takot.

siguro ngayon nakukuha mo na na ang liham na ito para sa iyo ay hindi naman talaga tungkol sa iyo. hahaha! gusto ko lang pala mag-speech ;)).

at gusto ko rin kasi magpasalamat. sa iyong pagiging kaibigan ko, sa ating pagiging magkaibigan. yehey!

eula

p.s. HB, paki post nga ng aemon and goddesses poems. salamat :P

Oh, and by the way.

I do, I did, I do

Oh, and by the way,
I imagine interjecting, as I’m almost out the door.

To my sisters’, my mother’s, my friend’s conversations,
To the hearts of my heart, still chatting as I'm leaving.

Oh, and by the way,
In case it slipped your notice, as it did mine.

It’s the goddess who chooses.
And I’ll smile, we get to pick*. Yes, you and I.

See you later. Runes.

thanks to Joannie, for that important piece of missing information. Spread the word :)

SO, i want to say HVD

:D

to all my life's presences these days, thanks, i love you :D

so? (as one chinese was wont to say, so meaning, what's it to you? ;)). so indeed, hope you loved ones have a wonderful day. :D

look at what's in my bed these days. sleeping with me. (tonight, anyway)



let's have a closer look....



hehe! going to bed with words.

one pile, fiction i have to shelve
fiction i must finish the last few pages just to be OC about it :D
fiction i will read next
books am in the middle of
my angel books
my pile of women's psychology books that i browsed for a paper
my other pile of women's psychology books that i need to browse
the mother book that i need to send to ives
and my pile of diaries

wehehehehe ;)) let's enjoy the love, the words, say it in Runes ;)

oh, here they are, those who left the room

so now i know what i want on the walls :D -- angels, mandalas and some of susan seddon boulet's works.

so chester said during my tarot reading at the japanese-dinner-event-at-home that this is going to be a productive period working with my hands. hmmm maybe it's the shuffling of the angel cards :D.

so some things i don't say because they're not worth saying.

so a friend said of this guy schoolmate of ours that he is my male equivalent in the program -- old, mostly silent/ quiet, seemingly scary, funny, smart and wise. yes, i put all those words in her mouth. hahaha. but i agreed with her. maybe we can become friends.

lately, i am wanting to be friends with everyone. it seems that friendship is so wonderful. hehehe. it's just that i have to watch myself not to fall into the usual traps because of laziness. you know the usual relational-conversational-roleplays that are so readily available, one size fits all.

but am not like that. athena athena athena, help me to exercise what i know/ am:).

and oh, angel daniel and i are friends. he knows i don't want to be in love as of now, but want to be loving and lovee.

and oh yes, this week i was a tree. (it was during a hypnosis session in one of my classes. maybe i should go for the hypnosis class too this summer). specifically, the charisa/ aratilis tree in the backyard in my childhood home.

so, happy valentine's day and say i love you Runes!

catching each other at a (different) part of every day

a thought on its own

you looked good in your blue tee shirt.

sometimes i catch my breath thinking about how much i've learned and grown in relationship with you, and, every time, mentally say thank you for having been there while i learned. i am awed at how substantial your contribution has been. i imagine it a bit like a soul saying -- in a soul-to-soul conversation -- ok, here i am, use me in whatever way you will/ need to so you can grow a little bit more. it's been very humbling. i never thought it would be like that, and i am grateful.

having been thru the (mutual) wringer (perhaps), we release each other, while staying.

(my other thoughts suddenly stood up, and left the room :D)

ILY in Runes, English and Bisaya

How do you say
I love you
in RUNES?

JOIN US IN THIS VALENTINE’S OPEN MIC AND SAY IT ANY
WAY YOU WANT TO, TO ANY ONE YOU WANT TO (YES, TO ME,
SURE!), WITH AS MUCH FEELING AS YOU WANT TO

7:30 pm, Wednesday, 15 February 2006
Runes Bar & Restaurant, 265-F Tomas Morato
cor Scout Fernandez, QC, near Chili's Restaurant
Tel. No.: 413-0660

LAB YU DONG DAY ;)

angel guidance

Check out Doreen Virtue's website for some angel therapy.

Below is number three in her ten lessons learned from angels. (Am taking a Projectives class so this is way interesting :) )

3. All conflict is inside your mind.
"Any conflict you see or experience in the outside world is a projection of your ego. In truth, the world is completely at peace and you project your fear of peace onto the world. You don't want to resolve your inner conflict, but you do want to get it away from yourself. So, you project it onto other people and think that 'they' are the ones who are causing you discomfort. Other people are neutral, blank slates and you color them with your own meaning and definitions. Then, you react to them as if these colorations and definitions were real. Other people, in turn, treat you in the way that you expect, in a self-fulfilling prophecy."

As the angels explained this, I realized how often I had allowed fear to create miserable times for me. But always, I had the power to choose the thoughts and feelings I ascribed to all situations.

boiled egg and broccoli

recited in class today. hehehe that makes me sound like a kindergarten student. have been wanting to kick myself to do that more but just hadn't been present enough this year. but have now managed to pull myself together and be cheerful :D

made sure i'd be in class today since the scheduled topic for discussion was the theory that i've suspected will need to be in my paper. but when it came right down to it, intimacy isn't my passion anymore. hahahaha. didn't even make so much as a comment on stage 8, intimacy vs. isolation. now am interested in secure attachment, being ok with one's self and being ok with others. :D

anyway, my new friendship Y said before the class broke up, hey V, yellow suits you. you look happy.

i am, indeed. and yellow does suit me. ;)

extra large

the heart of a woman
encompasses the world.

amplified

i really enjoy it when i lose disbelief and like a movie the same way i like a book so much that i miss the characters after i've read the last page. when i like a movie so much, and so do my movie mates, we talk about the characters afterwards like they're real. (though like groupies, you talk about them like the actors were the characters ;)). it's the feelings-method to movie-appreciation :D (it doesn't focus on whether the movie was accurate of the real story or too hollywoodish and other mental-intellectual and/or wholistic frameworks. basta, i love it, ganun.)

but i'll wait a few days and see when more people have seen Walk The Line. Instead here's a song from my all-time favorite album of Everything But The Girl (EBTG). I love the Amplified Heart album but don't go back to it too often 'coz it's so so so sad an album.


We Walk the Same Line

If you lose your faith, babe, you can have mine,
and if you're lost I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

Now I don't have to tell you
how slow the night can go,
I know you've watched for the light.

And I bet you could tell me
how slowly four follows three,
and you're most forlorn just before dawn.

So if you lose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

And I don't need reminding
how loud the phone can ring
when you're waiting for news.

And that big old moon
lights every corner of the room.
Your back aches from lying
and your head aches from crying.

So if you lose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

And if these troubles
should vanish like rain on midday,
well I've no doubt there'll be more.

And we can't run and we can't cheat,
cause babe when we meet
what we're afraid of,
we find out what we're made of.

So if you lose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

welcome back

my
much-needed
much-awaited
much-welcomed

reunion
with geeky
OC
student
self.

oh
what
a
relief.

yes, alice-walker-wanna-be me

regardless
notwithstanding

we love each other

despite everything.


ps. sorry alice :D

on thursdays
you tend
not to text,
why?

en yah yah yah gram

;))

if you will recall, i crowed long and hard here about discovering (self-identifying thru a list) my instinctive enneagram type... type one... the perfectionist/ reformer. it was amusing to me because i could relate with statements saying like, "it has to be left up to me because no one else can/ will do it." and also the impatience and resentment. as well as the wisdom.

The Reformer. The principled, idealistic type. Ones are conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are teachers, crusaders, and advocates for change: always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake. Well-organized, orderly, and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards, but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic. They typically have problems with resentment and impatience. At their Best: wise, discerning, realistic, and noble. Can be morally heroic.

then i also elaborated a bit about type four, having issues with a beloved type four then. so imagine my surprise today to discover (taking the full RHETI test for school) that i am almost a type four as i am a type one. and moreover, am also nearly a type two. my feelings, both inward and outward ones, are showing themselves.

wahahahaha! serves me right. one judges that in others which one has also in one's self.

Type Four
The Individualist. The introspective, romantic type. Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.

here's the type two ;)... the female in me.

Type Two
The Helper. The caring, interpersonal type. Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

queen of the world

you want the world, someone said to me very recently in the middle of the night, in all caps. I WANT THE WORLD, yes I now agree. (I really need to pay attention to the things people say to me that I resist, that turn out to be right :D).

but perhaps, yes, we need to want the world :D. doc r and chester too said we need to blurt it out. we want the world, we want this world, this is what we want. we need to be unafraid to want and say the things that we know will make us happy.

when it's from the gut, and it's for the good, there's going to be no stopping it from hurtling into your life. just have your arms out ready, open, waiting to catch, ready to be in the shower of blessings that we all so richly deserve, just for being who we are.

maybe this is what all this heartbreak i'm swimming in right now is all about. all because deep down i know i want the world, and whispered it some time ago, timidly hesitantly, this is what i want.

and so now the world is changing changing changing taking a new form giving birth to new ideas and new situations (my angel card isaiah) and as i cry and rail, i know deep down i am happy, and i wanted this so i could follow my truth, and you could follow yours, and if we act on our truths, we are still loving each other, in various ways and various forms, and there'll we'll be still.

i want the world, with angel astara :)

p.s. vv does angel readings for friends, in continued angel'mazement, and because it helps a lot (to learn, to ask, to get to know). so, you only need to say if you want one. we learn together :)

p.s. bryan, if you find your way here again, i asked if you'll be ok, and my friend the angel daniel came out, said you're going to be married ;). something to look forward to, wouldn't you say? (no, i'm not documenting it, but i want to be there, so there :P)

Incidentally, from ivillage:

February 1: Mercury conjunct Neptune

There are two ways to find your way to the future. Fortunately, or unfortunately, you've got to put them both into operation at the same time to make your dreams come true. First off, you need to visualize what you want -- to see it happening as if you're actually watching it on television. Next, you have to be absolutely, completely sure that you can make that dream a reality. Mercury is in charge of thoughts, and Neptune holds jurisdiction over dreams -- so they're the pair you need to bring about your grand plans. While they're always accessible, they're holding hands at the moment, meaning their influence is just unbeatable. Use it. To the max. It's time.

yuck, kadramahan :P

everyone who's ever truly loved knows how tricky it is seeing an ex in the middle of everything. how tricky it is and yet how essential. how the bittersweetness can drown you caught as you are between the sight of future peace, and the longing for happier times past, made more sweet by the recognition that those won't happen again ever. how you understand everything, and know exactly where you are, and yet can't help tears streaking down your face.

how you almost can't say a thing because you can't hold yourself to anything, not any word, and besides don't want to cause any hurt or harm or pain either in an unwieldy time and place where everything is both happier and more sorrowful. you almost can't say anything because things are moving too fast and the words, once let out, might not be true anymore. and yet you are compelled to speak to commemorate each moment. and yet you are scared to speak for you might be speaking too soon of a future that has yet to fully reveal itself.

luckily, there are many other things to talk about, and love always knows even of things unspoken. and sometimes it knows more of those.

i say it's all about respecting the seasons. there you go. you've fully converted me months after i protested your insight left and right. :D :P why did i somehow expect that to happen? hehehe!

also, i hold in my heart my glimpse of joy, in the hope that in the rightness and ripeness of time, when i am ready, it shall fully open for me again.

:|

sometimes, i go to class to save myself.

a broken spell

two weeks ago, ate v bumped into the tall mirror i've lived with in the last 13 years. crash, it broke, breaking the spell.

yes, a spell.

roommie and i, time and again, have stood before the mirror, and shook our heads. there's a spell to the mirror. almost everyone that has lived with it, and left, has gone into significant relationships, or worse, married.

only the two of us have continued to live with it faithfully, every morning checking to see if our shoes match, no, compliment, the rest of our person.

now it's gone.

who knows what might happen next ;)

p.s. as i write, five men have gathered around the mirror in front of my gate, perhaps contemplating their shoes in the broken shard. certainly, deciding who gets to take home the unexpected gadget.

the dogs

kanami. kanami. kanami-nami.

because i am gay.
and straight :P

and curvy.
and broad.
a broad.

and plump.
and short.

and twirly.
all curly.

because.
i love.

harvesting one-liners at one am

Sometimes, simply by sitting, the soul collects wisdom.
-Zen proverb care of my gmail futureminders email

love me, feed me, never leave me.
-Garfield care of cable tv

:D

in tuition

eeeeww. you know your intuition's working when you seem to know things without any basis whatsoever.

if you think about it, it's kinda freaky. but that's what intuition is for, to not think about anything.

and then one day, you'll just wake up, and say, oh.

Becoming Athena

Or the making of the stalker sisterhood :P

I'm currently fascinated with the Athena angel card in my angel deck. It says:
"It is safe for you to be powerful. You know how to be powerful in a loving way that benefits others as well as yourself."

It echoes Gracie in the discussion we had before Christmas when she said, power, per se, is not a bad thing. I was arguing that some forms and practices of power were better than others, and she was asking if I was saying that power is bad? I guess she is right.

It affirms my recent thought that we women do have power, and we need to step into our power. We need to become Athena.

We women give our power away all the time. ALL THE TIME. Consciously and unconsciously. We do it when we let others make the decisions for us. We do it when we let others run the whole show when in fact we have many essential things to contribute. And in fact, could make things very different, and in many ways, better, if we also let ourselves run the show, now and then.

I give my power away every time I wail, does that mean he doesn't like me? Because whether or not he or she likes me is not the point :). I am me anyway, and that's what I ought to focus on. It would be great to be liked back, but feeling bad if someone doesn't like you back is giving away my power. It's giving away my power over my wellbeing, my self-esteem, and my responsibility for myself.

And giving away power is totally losing by default. Because as Athena says, let's run that by us again, women know how to be powerful in a loving way that benefits others as well as themselves. We also need to lead.

Because when I say we need to be aware of, accept and exercise our power, I don't mean we abuse this power in order to manipulate or abuse others, or use power for egoistic ends, or just to have our own way, *stamp foot*. But rather, for us to exercise power for what we feel and know is best for us and others. To use our power to actively love ourselves and others.

****

Over lunch of kimchi and spicy beef stew, a gf and I hatch our project, a secret society of sorts, the sisterhood of stalkers. Hehehe! Rather, gf wants to make *some deserving person* secretly happy. Make him/ her feel liked and special (as he or she is). As we drew up the plan, we cackled and giggled in glee, and clapped our hands in anticipation.

And we agree, women need to step into their Athena selves.

****

Becoming Athena includes allowing ourselves to love all those whom we love, and to be loved back.

Alice

Because

you rubbed

my shoulder

last night

a poem

traveled down

my arm.

- by Alice Walker

from the book A Poem Traveled Down My Arm:
Poems and Drawings
hardbound copy in startling blue
found today at Booksale Megamall
for the splendid price of P105

;)

if i could draw cartoons, there i'd be in mini skirt and sneakers leaning on this big block of chocolate and i am refusing to turn around and bite it.

because I am stretching my EQ.

i know if i make even one bite of my favorite chocolate, i'll feel sick.

tada!

i have an exam, a paper, and homework

because love is not a contest.

and moreover, it is a choice.

and it is a choice that can be made repeatedly, for many people, in different ways.

it's a bit like the multiplication table :P

go figure.

inimbento: konsepto

made up this concept on-the-spot in a text conversation with gf. said i, i believe in "constructive access to information." hehe! it simply means, personally, i don't need to know everything, but i need to know enough. and i try to practice this in my relations with others in my bid to gain karat points in the Confucian after-world (read: the golden rule, hehe!).

luckily, when i recognize what it is i truly feel and know what i want to do, the right opportunity, and the appropriate and accurate turn-of-phrase usually just present themselves, without too much planning :) synchronistically-speaking, the how and when come up, and i take those up.

it's just that it's important to me to know enough to be able to make my choices and considerations. to be able to pick my risks myself, and take responsibility for them. (mom and i were talking about this last week, about how some men will consider and make decisions by themselves or amongst themselves on matters that also very much concern the significant women in their lives. and how they would be so much more helpful if they also ask the women what the women want to do, given the situation, so the women can state their own preferences, make their choices, and take responsibility for these themselves.)

so i try not to keep my significant people in the dark about things on which they might need to make their own considerations about.

and it is very important to me personally, that all this sharing of information is done in the right way, using the right words which are the proof of a loving motivation. i can tell when other people or myself for that matter are sharing stuff only to appease their/ my ego or hurt others. then i want to kick them... myself! hehe. or conversely, when people are not sharing information in order to have the upperhand/ hurt others/ appease their egos.

for instance it is very clear to me that when i tell others that i feel that i am feeling very pretty today, that it is because i am feeling good, and wanting more attention. :P lol.

and eerily, my horoscope agrees with me again.

Making things clear
Valid during several weeks: During this time you may be inclined to keep your opinions to yourself and not communicate them to others, even when you should. At the same time you may be more in touch with the hidden sides of your own personality, your unconscious drives and compulsions than at most other times. The first of these two effects may be undesirable or inappropriate, but the ability to get at hidden areas of your character can be quite useful. The problem here is that you may feel that others will hold anything you say against you. And this may be true, especially if your words are motivated by petty ego concerns. But it is even more likely that what you don't say will be held against you, so it is very important at this time to say everything that has to be said.


The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mercury in the 12th House 12 exact at 23:44
activity period from 23 January 2006 to 10 February 2006.


Horoscopes!

we love each other by "needing"

and being needed

It's not true that life becomes challenging when you encounter problems. Life also becomes hard when other people you love have "problems." In fact, one of my biggest challenges in the past few months and up to now, is how to be "ok" when someone else I love is "not ok."

Oh my, it's hard :).

First of all, you miss them :). You get used to the easy love, affection, friendship, company, what have you, and you miss their presence in your life.

Second, it worries you that they are unhappy/ "not themselves." When you yourself are the one who's unhappy, you know that if you sit with yourself long enough, it will blow over, and the joie de vivre appears again. And that in fact, being sad or problematic or "not yourself" is actually being yourself, still. But when it's someone you care about, it's pretty hard not to worry even though you know worry won't do you or the friend or the lover or the family member any good, and even creates this restless negative energy that probably compounds the situation, and makes it worse for your loved one (and what great help you've been then).

It's harder still when you don't know what to do, and it's been some time.(Although of course, you know very well that this isn't about you, and you should cease and desist from making a loved one's "hard times" become about you). Even though your wiser self knows it's not really about "doing", you feel helpless and cannot help wanting to "help" or "do" something to improve the situation.

One of my counseling psychology classes emphasizes in red ink, bold caps, and repetitively, that the psychologist's first task is to understand. But this is easier done when your loved one talks to you or is in a problematic-but-expressive-mode. Or when they are specific about their needs, like chester's "Eula, I need someone to check on me now and then."

But what if they aren't in communication mode? It becomes a real honest-to-goodness dilemma then: whether to let alone or probe now and again. What if they do want to communicate but need encouragement? Or what if they could really need some company, even quiet company, but are too "troubled" to do the inviting? What if your occasional probing (like when you say "Better to try than not to have covered the possibility at all") makes them feel "pestered" by you such that they hope not to see you even more for a longer time?

What then?

Perhaps, the best thing to do is stay centered and calm yourself. To recognize and release all "missing," worry, and the occasional resentment that pops up, and radiate only love and light. To be OK even when loved ones are NOT OK.

But of course, this is very hard to do indeed, especially with those you are attached to. Otherwise, why else would I need to blog-talk myself into it? :P


p.s. also have this draft post entitled "we love each other by 'feeding' and eating"

a bright day outside

dear sweetie,

in wiser clearer calmer centered moments,
i know the only task to life is to live in the moment.

in strange difficult challenging times,
i know there is no other choice but to do so.

to address only that which confronts us in a second,
to blank the mind to all other thoughts, terrifying possibilities,
to trust that if we let go,
of all other moments that came before,
and all other moments that will follow,
the universe will stay on course, on track, as always,
though it may not appear to do so.

for the first task we have is to help ourselves,
to heal ourselves, to be cognizant of our truths,
that we cannot be helpful of others' healing
if we don't face that which lies first in our hearts.

so like the mother that cradles the infant,
hold yourself close to your heart.
there you are protected, nurtured, comforted
there you can weep, cry, rail, laugh hysterically
if necessary at the ways of the world
that seem almost at once in the same moment
mysterious wise good frightening.

let there be love and light.

:) still, chester, we say no to fear and yes to love. but it'll work itself out, without our conscious intervention but with merely our intention :).

how nice

Date of Birth: 01/08

If you're a Capricorn woman in love, V, you'll love today. You could plan for almost anything, from a little trip together, to a lifetime replete with children and grandchildren. Even though your foresight sometimes overcomes your spontaneity, yield to the unexpected a little bit. The future will be bright after the gloom of the past few weeks.

May

May the Good Lord bless and keep you till we meet again :)

Mama Maligalig

What does maligalig mean? mi mama asked two salespeople and one cashier at that boxlike department store, having set her whims on this aqua teeshirt that said, Maligalig. One said pasaway, another said magulo, and later roommie said, magamo. She asked again, but isn't maligalig positive?

Perhaps maligalig is this.

Mama: Do you have a weighing scale?
V and A laugh: Bawal 'yan dito. It's anti-self-esteem.
Mama rolls eyes: It's not to measure your weight, it's to weigh luggage.

perhaps, pag-ibig

and some say love is holding on
and some say letting go
and some say love is everything
and some say they don't know ;)

the angels are rolling their eyes

hahaha. kuwento ko lang ang katuwaan namin ngayong mga araw na ito. ako at ang mga anghel. kinukulit ko sila ng iba't ibang tanong na nauuwi lamang sa iisang malaking tanong. paulit-ulit, pare-pareho ang kanilang sagot. di naiiba promise. pero pilit ko pa rin tinatanong muli. halimbawa na lang, kanina, tanong ko, mga anghel, ok lang ba na mahal ko si bryan? may saysay naman di ba na mahal ko siya? heto ang sabi nila (di pa kasi ginawa ang angel card na nagsasabing: tama na yan ang kulit mo).

the now
archangel michael: i am with you, giving you the courage to make life changes that will help you work on your Divine life purpose.

block
grace and antoinette: to help heal this situation, see the other person's point of view with compassion

angel guidance
archangel uriel: your emotions are healing, which enables you to open to greater love. i will help you release anger and unforgiveness from your heart and mind.

at ang kicker, probable outcome
daniel: i am the angel of marriage, and i am assisting you right now

hahaha! sabi ko kay angel daniel, ikaw talaga! ikaw na naman! opo, ganun na nga. sa every other reading ko lumalabas si angel daniel. sabi ng oracle booklet, ang mga cards na laging lumalabas ay mga messages na gustong i-highlight ng angels.

generally, kahit ano ang tanong ko, ang laging lumalabas na themes ay: a cycle in your life is ending (celeste), ang tungkol sa life purpose, at si angel daniel.

at promise, i shuffle the cards. at meron talagang cards na di lumalabas, ever, sa akin.

so anyway, sinong gustong magtanong ng mensahe ng anghel? kuhitin niyo lang ako at basahin natin ang booklet. ako lang ang mag-shuffle :)

and this too shall pass

Learning to trust
Valid during many months: Under this influence you will become increasingly aware that all the truly important events in your life occur without your conscious intervention. ...

My life these days reverberates with the above part of my current astro.com long-term astrological forecast. Many things just happen without my conscious intervention -- often because these are all beyond me, anyway -- but with such a big impact on me, and my wellbeing. I can simply follow where the arrows point, follow with my heart and my hope, because that's the choice that's left. Whether to follow with leaden feet and clenched fists or follow hoping that things will turn out ok, somehow, one of these days, including in a form that I never imagined, even though it doesn't look or feel like it at all for the moment.

Things like the airplane not crashing two days before Christmas :D. Though this can be attributed to my fear of flying, that situation and my fright felt real enough to have made that threat probable. I mean, if it felt real to me, how could you argue? :P

(I thought then that the universe having forcibly brought me back to Manila may have been a concrete manifestation that i was "meant" to spend some time with you on the days that counted. Because otherwise how could I have? And this was really really what I wanted to do anyway.)

Or the fact that I can pinpoint the exact moment your caring mutated into seeming indifference without apparent rhyme or reason. One second you were telling me you were going to miss me, you had gotten used to being with me that day for hours and hours. The next you took me home, didn't hold my hand back, and left, almost without a backward glance.

Or my sadness at the coming of the New Year, and New Year's Day. Usually I am filled with peace and hope.

Or your continuing indifference that feels like the days when I found out my first love had somebody new, and had decided to act on it. Same time of the year, same situation. Just before Christmas, he took me home and held my hand, asking why what was the problem with holding my hand (at that time, we had already split up five months before Christmas)? Two weeks later, he failed to respond to invitations to celebrate my birthday, but sent me a letter telling me all about her. He was firm but kind to the weepy call I couldn't help making: V, enough please. He said that what we had was precious but it was time to move on.

Or the grief that simply swelled within me during my birthday, that I could not pinpoint to any single incident, but just was. You walked in, somehow, at the end of the day, and though that made me smile, and was the only possible feel-good response to my grief, you felt different still. Different from the day before the New Year when you, too, held me.

I almost expect to see you walking by holding someone else's hand one of these days, because all of this really really feels like the lost first quarter of January 1993 that I spent filled with love for my ex, in super catharsis. Like the way I cannot help but relive and grieve over every moment and funny incident that we ever had, cannot help but carry your picture in my head wherever I go, and cannot help but try to stay away too because not staying away would hurt even more.

Or the way I cannot help but try to reach out to all the people around me who might have the patience and love to sit with me and hold my hand, and tell me things will be all right, promise. Because I currently do not have all the imagination or the bigger heart that I need to carry me through. (Dearests, forgive my neediness, my kakulitan, I feel like a child these days that's lost its favorite toy, and simply need the time to grieve. I will appear like I don't understand all the rational hopeful things you will say, like some kind of bobo fixated girl who refuses to move on hehehe, but I just need somebody to cry to, like almost all of the time, hahaha).

What tells me to get hold of myself, and sustains me, is how my blessings continue to abound. Love and comfort are so near these days, and there is so much to be thankful for from life itself, to my snazzy digital cam, or the fact that I can drink myself to oblivion with all the wine in my ref these days. Hahaha. Or the knowledge deep within me, from previous experience, that all these too shall one day come to pass.

afterthought 1 (one of many): and probably this is really not about you, but about me, and the need to let go :).

almost like i love you to death

i would stand under a lamppost
and take all night to say
i love you i love you (i love you ...)

the very thing that will drive
you further away i love you
i love you (i love you ...)

smaller and smaller you become
the farther away you run i love
you i love you (i love you ...)

my lips continue to mutter
though you disappear from my sight
i love you i love you (i love you...)

till you're well and truly gone.

hehe

o siya, babae. tama na muna ang drama. mag-aral ka na. magtrabaho. magligpit ng kusina. hubarin mo muna ang kasentihan at kadramahan na nakabalot sa iyong katawan ... naku naku hayan na naman :D

hahaha.

nais kong magising sa pagiging pariwara, at mabuhay sa ngayon,
sa katotohanan ng aking kinalalagyan,

ang pagbuhos ng malamig na tubig sa baso mula sa pitsel,
ang haplos ng hangin mula sa electric fan,
ang pagtagpitagpi ng pira-piraso kong pagiisip na nakabulagta sa
iba't ibang dako ng lungsod ng quezon.

bumaba mula sa ulap, tumuntong sa lupa,
pakiramdaman ang sentro
na nag-uugat sa pinaka-sinapupunan ng mundo
tumayo tumaya tumawa
maging buhay, mabuhay sa kasalukuyan
sa sandaling ito
ang buhay ko

manifest-o

i am in luyag, in love, in loving mode.
but one of these days, i'll get over it :)
without losing the faith that love
will always manifest.

it's there.
it's inside of me, inside of you,
around us in the air that we breathe,
and the light that we live.

affirmations

guidelines for writing goals and affirmations

write with a positive tone
write in present time, as if the goal/affirmation has already occurred
write as specifically and as succinctly as possible
write about yourself rather than trying to change others
write words that you understand and use in everyday life
write with as open a heart as possible

-from the Sacred Journey, daily journal for your soul 2006

34

THANK YOU. :)

The thing that makes me crayo today (hahahaha, crayo na naman ;))) is the same thing as last Christmas, and it's the wonderful way in which the universe always comes to my rescue. It always heeds my heart's cry and responds in ways that defy rhyme or logical reason.

Yesterday, I really was sadder than sad, starting my birthday in tears, and so on in spurts throughout the day. But still in the midst of grief, I was surrounded by loving and helpful friends, affirming my desire to sit and spend time with intimates, because they are the ones who matter and who have cared, and birthdays are also a good time to sit together, and break bread, mugto man ang mata o hindi.

Then too, though far away, love from family surrounded me. And actually from every perspective I take, I am chock-full of blessings and angels who are there for me, whether I expected or asked for them or not. Sobrang dami lang talaga.

Still, almost amusing because I could not help it at all, I was in so much grief, when you just want to cry and cry, and just have someone cooperate and sit there with you, and let you cry and not protest, and tell you, that everything will be ok somehow, someday.

And then in cinematic manner (lol!), the universe responded to my grief, and I say thank you. It helped a lot, thank you. It strengthens my resolve to stay open to what will be in store for me this year, contrary though they may be to my mind's fixations. I want to be open and trusting and willing to be directed where I need to be though I may not have thought of these at all. I do not want to be fixated, but want to be open. I want to be able to let be, let go, let flow, including receiving those blessings that come unexpectedly. I want to have faith.

I pray for the same things for people I love who too are in sad times, for them to be sad as they feel, but remain in the faith that things can only and always get better.

The serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

bagong taon

my only resolution this 2006 is to try to really be where i really am :), if that makes sense.

and as a sub-resolution, under that:
to wear all my shoes ;)

********

so many things to be thankful for. among them:

1. i am thankful for finding myself in a good place, and humming a good note at year's end :)
2. i am happy to be alive.
3. i am thankful for having sat next to a cheerful chuckling baby on the flight back.

some wishes, random:
1. i wish my loved one comfort and joy. i wish him these as in a chant.
2. i wish myself peace, quiet and a brave heart.
3. some people i wish love in romantic form: capricorns P, C

********

Never mind, love

never mind, love

the old hurts, the pains
we took, the anxious joys,
the dreaded hopes

never mind love,

that's shed like
skin gone dry,
we'll try again

how i spent christmas eve

blue jeans, fuschia Chucks, and fiolo laftaf ;D

Here

hey! :)

merry christmas! here i am at home, spending it alone :) but the thing is, that's so strictly not true at all.

i don't feel alone. i feel loved, and blessed, and tearfully grateful for many many many things. i am weepy at the thought that there are so many people in the world that i can text, right after i thought for a few harrowing minutes that i was gonna be a goner.

i told bobby today that i already said i love you, mentally to everyone i love. he said, baka sa akin mangyari yan kaya ngayon pa lang sinasabi ko na, viola, i love you. hehe.

this morning, at breakfast, buddha and i listed all the life-threatening situations we've been through. the only criteria is that you thought during or after that you could have been a goner. i thought of three times. first was when chung and i almost shot off the santolan flyover due to a driver's wandering eye (i always feel a little bit queasy going over that same patch of road each time), then when dd and i experienced a minor earth tremor inside the moviehouse at the mall and it took forever to get out.

The last time was yesterday when our plane was hovering over cdo, waiting for a break in the clouds, and it tried to land, twice. the second time, going down, we really felt the moment when the pilot decided/ realized we weren't going to land, and the engines revved again and the plane's nose went up, and up we went. but with all that fog and clouds, you couldn't be sure where up was, a mountain or what (the uncontrollable need for control, to see). it didn't help of course that being a slightly phobic flyer, i know all about air crashes. (i also learned much later from co-passengers that when we went thru the clouds, we were too near the houses, and that's when the plane went up again). i concentrated on praying long and hard, and forever. thought of asking the silent man beside me if i could hold on to his shoulder but he seemed scared too and i didn't think it would be fair to ask him to carry some of my anxiety. in the end it helped that the woman one row behind across the aisle, said aloud, ay salamat when the pilot announced we were going to land in cebu instead. we smiled at each other. yes, let's not try anymore. let's land in cebu. trying again would suck.

so i am happy to be back on the ground, in a much quieter and much colder qc. after the weeks of shopping, and the week of merry-making, and yesterday's trauma, i am grateful to be resting in my own house (had a massage :))), and own bed, crossing paths again and sharing a japanese dinner (food fest!) with volunteer house-sitter buddha. i am pleased to add a new concept of Christmas Eve to my cognitive storehouse: this is only my fourth or fifth (basta less than ten) time to be away from the family reunion in Mindanao in my 33 years of life, would you believe? i am deeply touched that maya said to just come over if i get lonely, and she'd drive me home when i wanted to. oh thanks hb :), i love you. thanks for taking me to dinner last night after i got home from flying all the way from luzon thru the visayas to mindanao, back to the visayas and back to luzon all in six hours. with less than two hours sleep and hardly any food.

fortunately for me, while i was assessing my life in the air, i thought that i really had no loose ends because everyone i love knows that :). and the last person i talked to was dd who rode to the airport with me, thereby upholding perhaps the one personal Christmas tradition I/ we have. We always -- in the last three years, anyway-- go home together.(other Christmas traditions i adhere to existed before i did). in fact, some moments up there, i had to give up worrying because worrying is actually not a choice. i mean it does you no good. i just thought am starting some things that could be good. and i'd really hate for my parents to be sad.

in cebu, i asked people to pray for good weather and safe flight to anywhere, and when my pastor-to-be uncle who had driven all the way to the airport to pick me up, said, "done", that's when i really wanted to start bawling from the shock.

so yes i am spending christmas alone, and happily. today and tonight, i really need the space and the time and the quiet, to be. to be grateful. to celebrate truly. there has probably never even been a christmas before this when i truly felt that where i am is where i should be/ want to be, and where i am is really where i am. i am here.

and it's Christmas.

:)

and tomorrow i fly again :)

and the strange thing is, a few weeks ago, this is exactly how I thought I should/ want to be spending Christmas. Here and in Iloilo till a part of the 26th. God-willing that is, my lola is sure to say. though i tried otherwise.

Happy birthday, big J, and love to the angels who fly with me.

oh, but i love you :)

oh, but i love you :)
even if we can't be together in peace.
i love you like a cold december day.
still, clear, and startling.

tonight, this and that

i want to attend Simbang Gabi at the Gesu, before i go and come back, next year :)

i have a crush on a blogger. a girl. a friend of the one i love :)

i want to go to the Library and come out loaded down with books, before i go and come back, next year :)

i wish me peace :) i wish love for the one i love :) and i wish Friends episodes for Maningning every time the tv comes on ;))

i can feel who i want/ can be. :) none of the bitter crap. more of the joy and the peace and the silence :)

ooooh, i can't wait to be me.

a secret

i have a secret :) i am excited.

i can't wait to be over my problems :)

i have become tired of my problems, and i just can't wait. :)

you and me both, babes

a young girlfriend, 21 to my 33, messaged me the other day. she misses the guy she has set her heart on, and is at a loss as to what to do. she asked, "bakit ganun ate v? bakit takot ang mga lalaki sa atin?"

i gave her lame replies. said we should drink. said too we need to pray over them men. but what, really, could i say? you and me both, babe.

one of you might say (as i have done to other females, many times), that women also need to get their hearts broken, in order to learn to stand on their own two feet. take charge of their own lives. not make their lovelifes their entire happiness. i believe in this because this happened to me.

or how about, being out of a romantic relationship means it's time to appreciate the other things in your life. value and cherish your friendships. spend time with your family. outshine yourself at work. take time for yourself. splurge, enjoy yourself.

or learn to appreciate yourself outside the context of your relationship with others. find happiness within you. you are your center.

or even learn from the heartbreak. accept the pain, soon it will flow thru you and away.

but what if the women we're talking about, are in charge of their lives? what if they too are in love with themselves? :) what if they are developing their talents and potentials, appreciate and value their non-romantic intimate relationships with others? what if they have an inner spirituality that shines thru?

that is why they know they would like to be in an intimate romantic relationship, with another. just because?

and so? and yet the men they meet, have gotten to know, love, want to be with, are scared. they still have their paths to take, have much to learn. they didn't grow up learning to be connecting with others, or valuing those connections. some of them get an idea what it would be like, that it could be good. some never do, growing up half-blind.

what to do then? you and me both babe.

we have to teach the little boys that love is good. for our daughters' daughters.

*******************

in the meantime, another young friend, male, 25 to my 33, wails in the middle of a cold December night, i want to die. i don't want to wake up tomorrow.

psssht, i scold, your life is precious.

eat ice cream, i advise. give the universe another chance to show you love.

i don't know, he grumbles some more.

what? you giving in to pain? i retort and roll my eyes. he says, yes, yes, nobody loves me anyway.

i say, many more wonderful women exist. you will survive this.

i say to myself, you have to survive this. men who value connection are precious and few. and while there are those like you that exist, there's hope.

was that chocolate ice cream you wanted? i wave the spoon in front of his head.

juday

don't give up on us, the new movie starring piolo pascual and judy ann santos, is opening on january 8, 2006.

LOL.

p.s. wait, wait, why is a movie opening on a Sunday????

slow burn ;)

christmas countdown:

thursday -- took out the christmas tree and set it on side table; assembled the cutie christmas tree music box (thanks mum!)

friday -- wrapped first christmas gift for 2005 and gave it to g.

saturday -- wrapped four gifts; wrote two cards

20 random thangs

tagged by chester ;)

1. my peeing is scandalously loud, especially in a toilet where you can hear a pin drop.

2. some of the things that soothe me: a) searching for psychological literature online for my papers (it REALLY soothes me! eeek geek) b) but then lots of kabutingtingan soothe me :), c) also, the corrs soothe me

3. i really really really want love. the myth. maybe. lol.

4. i am undoubtedly a shoeholic. especially when sad. you might want to know how many new pairs i acquired from oct-nov-dec. but i might not tell :P

5. i love love love the people i love ;). but i have a bitchy streak. few things escape my notice. but that's ok, i might not point it out, and besides, this includes taking note of myself too :D

6. i need my sleep. period :D. when i want to sleep, nothing can move me, not even the threat of losing my job. i'll sleep on it first, and problematize later. hehehe.

7. it's embarassing how shy i still am :D even when i've learned to be self-assertive. wahahahaha.

8. my mother is the person who loves me most and loves me best :) (huhuhu)

9. i miss (insert certain activity here ;) you know mwehehehe ;)

10. i think my biggest weakness is that i think i'm better than many people :). a little more humility and openness wouldn't hurt!

11. i still have sooooooo much to learn.

12. i think that left to my own devices, i could really learn to cook well :P

13. i am scared that all my past wishes will come true, long after they were made, and just when they are no longer relevant!

14. i want to write a psych book, write a psych column, do psych research, do psych therapy :)

15. i grew up thinking i am ms. universe :P

16. i currently love yellow and green (shades of bryan); i used to love pink and orange (shades of me and that other capricorn). also i think i am on the brink of rediscovering purple.

17. i have a whole other 20 random stuff list that are in my notebook

18. i love to eat :D. yesterday i had this thing for garlic and cheese pizza. yum yum.

19. this is my year for finally learning to finish papers i need to write, and books i'm reading. now i have to work on the "on time" part :D

20. i plan to get a Phd, so help me Goddess. and marry a man who wants to love --as in verb, and as in commitment -- me... so help him Goddess :D

it's either

am busy and stressed about it.

or i'm just sad. with free time.

new stories

What stories are you tired of telling, Andrea asks.

Even to yourself, what stories are tired and trite, and makes even your fixated self want to move on and create new thoughts, new stories, a new life. A new joy.

I am tired of the story that nobody I want wants me.

oversleeping

Ay!

s: Mig, na-miss na kita
s: lagaw ta bala
s: gusto mo magpa makati buwas?
themundaneandthedivine: hehehehe
themundaneandthedivine: may exam ko buwas
themundaneandthedivine: ngaa sa makati haw? may ano to?
s: ngek! hagaron ko tani ikaw maupod sa anti-gats rally bwas sa makati...heheheh
themundaneandthedivine: hihihihi


at heto pang sa'yo, vv. Whoppow!

Disagreements
Valid during several weeks: Normally this influence is quite favorable for all forms of communication, for getting around and getting in touch with people. Your mind moves quite quickly and cannot stand being idle. This influence makes you eager to exchange ideas with others, and you may feel like sitting and chatting with someone all day, if he or she is interesting enough. But the drive of this energy is such that you may waste a good deal of time chattering to yourself and not really accomplishing much of anything. While it is quite easy to express yourself under this influence, do not expect everyone to agree with you necessarily, especially if you talk so much that others feel they will never get a chance to say anything. They may disagree with you just to make you pause and listen to them.


The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mercury Square Ascendant
activity period from end of October 2005 until 15 December 2005.

sheep

my halfhearted super-guilty sticker effort

themundaneandthedivine: yup. ingat. catch you maybe before christmas?
themundaneandthedivine: or after the new year
Codykins: shift ko mamayang 2am pa pero i'm thinking of sleeping sa office na lang and waking up at 1:30am
Codykins: YEZ
Codykins: before x'mas
Codykins: let's have hot choco
themundaneandthedivine: sige ba
Codykins: hot choco and lots of chika
themundaneandthedivine: mag starbucks tayo para magka sticker naman ang aking planner card
Codykins: i already have 2
Codykins: hahahaha
themundaneandthedivine: 2 stickers? me 4 hehehehe
Codykins: me and my neoliberal (evil) self
Codykins: charity
Codykins: naku, parang di ka galing sa (insert name of NGO here)
Codykins: how come u already have 4?
Codykins: teeheeeheee
Codykins: joke lang
themundaneandthedivine: wag ka B... S only needs 7 na lang!!!!!!
Codykins: LOL
themundaneandthedivine: and so does B!
Codykins: OMG!
themundaneandthedivine: their excuse is they have meetings at starbucks
Codykins: what's happening to the world
Codykins: kaya talagang di mananalo ang revo e
Codykins: CHARITY!
Codykins: hmpf
themundaneandthedivine: hihihihi
Codykins: hehehe
Codykins: well, i really have to go
Codykins: i miss u
Codykins: ttyl
Codykins: mmwah
themundaneandthedivine: take care

fart

A critical eye
Valid during several weeks: During this time you are concerned with one area that others might consider rather abstract, and that is your identity. You tend to dwell on your sense of personal isolation, loneliness, difficulties in relationships and other depressing thoughts. Clearly you need a dose of positive thinking and cheering up. It is important to remember that your troubles are probably more apparent than real, no matter how real or significant they seem. Assuming that you can control your negative thinking, this influence does give you the advantage of a sharp, critical eye. You can see what is wrong with a situation immediately and make the necessary changes to correct it then and there. But don't dwell on the flaws, just note and correct them.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mercury Opposition Saturn exact at 07:19
activity period from end of October 2005 until 13 December 2005.

;)) my astrodienst forecast almost had me in tears again. fart, it is so true. but yes, it's supposed to end tomorrow! mwahahahaha! me and my tiny amusements. this, plus a resolve to wear yellow and lavender tomorrow. unless i change my mind ;)

whatever.

did I ..?

Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you? Did I say I miss you? Dum de dum de dum de dum. Oh. Did I say I miss you?

statistics and updates

1. i only have 7 more people to go on the christmas list. i'm done with about 25. over the top i know hahahaha. i can't help it though. anyway, i slaved over the water project just for this specific pleasure :)

2. i worked yesterday for six-seven hours, and came up with five pages. lol. i have about three more to go.

3. it's official. on my third semester, i have a subject and a teacher i dislike :). can't all be good, can they? :D

4. looking at 3D dinosaurs is fun! i wish i were my inaanak :P (no, not you aemon :P)

5. i have a new "job." i have no idea what it pays but it's for two of my favorite teachers, and is parttime and work at home. i remember saying last sem, my next parttime activity should be in a research project with my teachers. how cool is that. thanks :D! i appreciate it.

6. these days i feel like i'm already on the last month of the semester. my week's all screwed up (no official weekend), and it's just one task after the other, often all at the same time.

7. i'm so glad nene won :D (if you don't know what i mean, it won't hurt you)

8. i need the snail mail addresses of the following: ate nina, tita eds... email me.

9. i was going to put up the Christmas tree today (it's about one and a half feet tall hahahaha, put down maybe) but alas it's on with the RRL, and three articles.

10. UNANG YANIG: our baby (my abandoned baby ;)) ) Welga ng Kababaihan marched last Thursday! and chester's voice was all over Plaza Miranda. hahaha, that was funny chester ;)

11. i am going on another date with myself on thursday :). i can't wait.

12. before that, i have countless errands, an exam, and psych tests to accomplish.

13. but hey, my groupmates and i created our own friendship scale. at least i get to do my personal research "agenda". and if the class is bleah, group work is finally fun.

14. i have to go now! :D hope your week is happy. hope HK isn't too cold for all those WTO activists out there ;) yes, make it as difficult as possible for all those profit-happy power players!

world peace

CONFLICT RESOLUTION
The most important marital interaction pattern considered by researchers in the past decade is the demand/withdraw pattern (Bradbury, Fincham, & Beach, 2000). Typically the wife demands change and emotional closeness and the husband avoids or disengages from this process. The husband’s level of withdrawal is positively related to the wife’s level of demand (Heavey, Christensen, & Malamuth, 1995; Klinetob & Smith, 1996). This pattern is negatively related to marital satisfaction at early, middle, and later stages of relationships (Belsky & Kelly, 1994; Carstensen, Gottman, & Levenson, 1995; Cohan & Bradbury, 1997; Gottman, Coan, Carrere, & Swanson, 1998), which eventually leads to failed marriages (Gottman, 1991; Pasch & Bradbury, 1998). In contrast, the attempt to resolve conflicts, including the seemingly negative argument between partners, contributes greatly to marital satisfaction (Gottman, 1994, 1991; Roberts, 2000). Partners display mutual positive engagement by doing the following: disclosing their feelings and positions; compromising and negotiating by seeking areas of agreement; integrating the other’s opinions; and expressing their caring and empathy during conflict resolution (see Christensen & Pasch, 1993, for a review). These behaviors promote mutual understanding, enable partners to develop and deepen their relationships, help maintain feelings toward partners, encourage couples to weigh and select a positive manner to convey messages, and encourage the other to remain engaged during conflict resolution (Fowers, 1998).

from The Association Between Adult Attachment Styles and Conflict Resolution in Romantic Relationships by Lin Shi in The American Journal of Family Therapy, 2003

stressed

that's me. i have too many things to do. eurgh.

ayon kay gingmaganda :D

but i think nahanap ko na yung true love. at hindi siya ganun ka-exciting at ka-swoony kagaya ng mga honeymoon stage ng relationships. true love is more solid, more stable. true love is always forgiving. true love never turns you away. true love is always there, like a comfortable wall na alam mong hindi ka ilelet down. (now my grammar has gone haywire). true love feels afraid but still pushes on. true love never says sorry. true love says i am just here for you no matter what. cool lang tayo, mahal kita.

BISITAHIN SI GING.

back to the books

A growing number of theorists have suggested that many men experience a psychic woundedness related to overly harsh disidentification, separation/ individuation issues (Bergman, 1995; Betcher & Pollack, 1995; Blazina, 1997; Chodorow, 1978; Pollack, 1998) and gender role socialization (O'Neil etal., 1986; Pleck, 1981). It comes in part from the traditional message that boys' separation/individuation process is synonymous with and implies disavowing needing others. These boys feel the strain of gender role conflict even at this young age when they are mandated to renounce yearnings for unmet emotional needs and instead portray themselves as solely self-reliant. From this, psychic wounds arise in part from the empathic failures of caregivers regarding gender identity issues, ranging from mild misunderstandings to harsh punishment and rejection for dependent "nonmasculine" behaviors. We believe the gender role conflicted male is fueled by, yet vigorously defended against, the resulting fragility he feels. The psyche's response to this dilemma of needing others versus being solely self-sufficient is to fragment in order to accommodate both disparate perspectives. This leaves the self weakened and in need of defensive bolstering.

from the journal article Separation/Individuation, Parental Attachment, and Male Gender Role Conflict: Attitudes Toward the Feminine and the Fragile Masculine Self
by Blazina, and Watkins, Jr., p. 163 in the Psychology of Men & Masculinity
2000, Vol. I, No. 2.

p.s. kawawa naman little boys! can you imagine being forced to be "stoic" and non-emotional because men are supposed to be "strong" that way?! sheesh kebab.

trivia question

Q: when do YOU think I will ever finish sorting and putting away my stuff in my house? (does not include fixing the house, just my stuff in my house ;))

A: NEVER ;))

buang

i've had this running streak where i become a bit hysterical every two weeks so. that's the number of days i can go around roaming on my leash, peacefully enough some days, before my inner boss jerks me back, growling, fangs bared.

RRRR-ARRFFF!

***

in hiding

this am i was woken up by a man on a ladder on the lamppost having a very loud conversation with the guy in front of my gate -- both from the cable company. i asked, what do you want? they said, we're from the cable company. i asked again, what do you want? they didn't say so i drew back the curtains and went back to bed.

they were having some kind of line and signal check, and from their conversation, i gathered they wanted to check the signal we were getting on our tv, and began knocking on my gate again.

they wanted the moon. they wanted me to wake up fully, get dressed properly, brush my teeth, get downstairs, let them in for five minutes? oh c'mon, they can survive without me and my tv.

so they knocked and knocked and had this discussion that yes, there was someone inside, she had appeared in the window. but no, there was no budging me.

***

in my secret life (codename: rafaella. hahaha, joke!), i would be spending christmas somewhere i don't usually spend it, get married in april, and watch a lot of great movies in dark theaters. hehehehe.

can't decide about the capitals

hello, love,

have you ever read carol shields? she's beautiful. in her novel Unless:

It is not true that people in long marriages dissolve into each other, becoming one being. I touch Tom's elbow, the sleeve of his tan jacket; he places his long arms around me and his hands cup my breasts in the friendliest possible way. We are two people in a snapshot, but with a little cropping we could each exist on our own. But that's not what we want. Hold the frame still, contain us, the two of us together, that's what we ask for. This is all it takes to keep the world from exploding.

the above is a bad excerpt for Unless which is really about the character Reta Winter's (Summer is her single name) grief over her daughter's grief at discovering that the world limits her merely to goodness, and not greatness.

a quiet novel. (thanks mom)

***

roommie and I are planning a trip to England.

England for me has often been a place of comfort. I schedule it at the end of heartbreak, or to experience deadly diseases like chicken pox. (I apologize once again to the two Dutch souls I sat next to on the plane; I was unaware I had chicken pox). And while I have sat on trains, going home to the northwest part, quiet for a few days or a few hours and deeply disappointed, I have not had my heart broken in England. Also while I have sat in darkened rooms at dawn lonely and cold and chatting with friends far away, Cadbury always managed to revive me.

and mom.

hehe :)

happy meal(s)

i tried to skirt around it
ignored it for days
skipped away

didn't want to think
too much about it

but it hasn't gone away
i can't help it

i feel rejected
and i want to be alone

so i can face it
eat it, and
swallow.

***

on the other hand,
i know what i want
and i want what i know

i have had sinigang
five times in seven days
but not in a row ;)

shoe drive

the right to information :P :D

1. HB - 5
2. dd - 5.5
3. tita eds - 5.5
4. vv - 6
5. rudie - 6 to 6.5
6. ate jo - 6.5
7. sabs - 6.5 to 7
8. yenina - 7
9. roommie - 8
10. j witch - 8
11. magya - 8.5 to 9

shoe driver

"i don't believe in spotless sneakers, i don't believe in spotless sneakers," i murmured in my head as i "toothbrushed" my brown sneakers.

am all sho(e)ok up

today's my weekend and i can be shallow

as a shtoedent on the run and on the walk, the easiest way to go is sneakered or slippered :P bounce is my motto as it's a long way thru those wooded paths out the gate over the pedestrian pass and to my ride home.

add the school books and occasional fiolo factor, and there's no way to survive on those pretty lil high heels. believe me, i've looked enviously at some classmates' jeans-and-heels getup but i don't want to be crippled.

at least it doesn't rain as much these days.

so i've put together my shtoedent shoes on what i call the funky shelf :D. i try to make up for the comfort with amazing colors hehehe.

to the right of funky is classic. i am in crush with pumps and i recognize that these are the best months for wearing closed shoes so i've also put those together for easier access, and as a reminder to wear when possible.

below classic are the high heels. sorry dudettes but there's hope with christmas get-togethers.

to the right of classic are the rain shoes -- or footwear to stay high and dry when it's pouring. below those are other chinelases and step-ins, awaiting summer.

darling meryl

when the lights came on, he asked me why so I seemed very into the movie. without answering, i asked, so what happened, did they end up together? seems not, we both shrugged.

the man in his fifties further along our row sang softly to the closing credits music: I sincerely want to say/ I wish you bluebirds in the spring/
To give your heart a song to sing/ And then a kiss, but more than this/
I wish you love/

we stood up at last, lingering the way a good movie bids you do. i said, let's grab a bite. he said, ok.

i simply remember

Brown paper packages
Tied up with string

[Wild geese that fly with
The moon on their wings]

These are a few of
My favorite things