this is the week when things just pop up out of the blue.

... like the instant quickie project that fell into my lap the other day as i was downloading songs on the internet. an ex-boss called asking for help. and it's something that i can do too, given my previous work and background. (although for a sec, i wondered why it was that ex-boss, and not the other ex-boss that called. maybe a matter of tactics on their part, if it had come to that. hehehe!)

... like the instant date with this good-looking young cousin and his warm, funny, reflective stories of growing up married :) nice one, cousin! have fun in the u es of a.

... or the fact that I am now sick, brought about by having the ex-boss' aircon blasting fully onto me, while we talked about women, health and water. i am dismayed to be sick, it adds to the low morale. have been needing to fight for my dignity, lately. but if i don't who will? (and a million thanks to those whose love sustain me). certainly, I have learned my lessons well, very very well, more times than you can imagine, long before this year. and after everything, I would still choose to have erred on the side of naivete than on the side of dishonesty.

Love, peace and trees! The trees know and they will remember :)

sound trip

inakusahan na naman akong bad influence. paano kasi, itong si vika, binanggit na pinag-iisipan niya daw bumili ng mp3 player! eh timing pa, medyo pinag-iisipan ko na rin na gusto ko ng mp3 player! lately kasi, nalulusaw na yong mga personal protesta ko na nakakasira ng tenga ang laging may gamit na earphones. naaakit ako sa ideya na puwedeng bitbitin kahit saan ang mga paboritong kanta. at dala na rin ng pagkatuwa ko sa panonood ng DVD sa kuwarto ko na gamit ang plug-in speakers, puwede nga naman mag sound trip na may speakers nang hindi laging nakabukas si fiolo, di ba? at laluna't puwede ang player na may fm radio na isa sa mga trip ko rin. so 'yon. na excite ako nung binanggit niya iyon at dahil nasa mall na kami, agad kaming nag-ikot at nagtingin ng mp3 players na hindi gawa ng mansanas (hehehe, mahal po yon!).

ang nangyari ay nakabili si vika ;)).

kagabi, pinakinig niya sa amin ang kanyang mga playlist na organized by singer/ band and by genre. enjoy kami! (pero gusto ko lang sabihin na kung ako iyon, naka-iskrambol ang maraming kanta kasi ayaw ko ng predictable na playlist kaya nga mahilig ako sa radyo.) so pagkauwi ko, naengganyo akong pakinggan ang aking mga mp3s, at tuloy nauwi sa iyakan. delikado din pala may mp3 player at kung saan saan napupunta ang damdamin ;))

pero natutuwa din akong magsound trip ngayon. ngayon na may sapat na panahon para mag sound trip dahil ako ay, NASA BAKASYON! Woohoo!

Heto ang dalawang kagandahang kanta. Idownload niyo na. Wahehehe.

It's about time, by Jamie Cullum
Walking down to the waters edge, where I have been before
If I don’t find my love sometime, I’m walking out that door
Some may come and some may go, but no-one seems to be
The person I’ve been searching for, the one who’s meant for me

Biddin' my time, trying to find the heart that’s lonely
Looking for her, my love, my one and only
Maybe I’ll dream, tonight about the girl, who’ll be coming my way
So I’ll take this chance and celebrate the day
When I’m making my way through an open door
I got some love and so much more
And I’m ready, to make someone mine
Making my way through an open door
I got some love and so much more
And I’ll find her
'cause it’s about time

What's your sign? by Des'ree
What's your sign? do you know?
Let me guess? you're scorpio?
What's your rising? where's your moon?
Scorpios are pretty cool. see i'm a sag.
So they say. i'm a butterfly, i like to play.
I'm always aiming into the sky.
I point my arrows, extremely high.

Chorus:
'cos everyone, has a sign.
Whether supernatural or divine.
Believe or not, if you're so inclined.
'cos in this great big universe
We're the stars on earth

Kasi, oh so coool ang dalawang kanta na iyan. Ang lamig lamig lamig. Sarap pakinggan.

lab, talaga

actually, gusto ko talaga.

kaya kong ma-imagine ang quality ng interaction and relating na gusto ko.

pero nakakatakot din.

natatakot din ako kung tama ba iyong ginugusto ko. hindi kaya ako maghanap ng iba kung sakaling matagpuan ko ang ganung quality ng interaction?

hahaha. at dahil hindi ko alam, at hindi ko malalaman hangga't di ko alamin, stuck in a moment ang lola vivi niyo.

* * *

nahirapan kasi ako
at nahirapan ka rin.

hindi nangyari yong mga ginusto kong mangyari.
(malamang hindi mo rin ginusto ang mga nangyari.)

pero doon sa proseso kung saan hindi nangyari ang mga gusto kong mangyari
sobrang dami ang natutunan ko sa sarili ko
(mga pangyayaring hindi ko inasahan :)

at kung nagsimula ako sa kalagitnaan na galit na galit sa iyo
sa ngayon ay kahit i-try ko pa, hindi ko na makuhang magalit.
(minsan kasi tinutukso ko ang sarili ko at try ko talaga magalit pero wiz, hahaha).

***

pero gusto ko pa rin ang gusto kong mangyari.

at takot na takot na akong hanapin ito sa iyo.

***

at bago pa man sumakit ang ulo ko sa kakabangga ko nito sa dingding

iniiwasan ko na lang ang dingding. minsan tumitingin sa kisame. laging lumalabas ng pinto. nakadungaw sa bintana.

dahil, hindi nagsisimula at nagtatapos ang buhay sa dingding na ayaw gumalaw.

hahaha.

do you believe that we actually have everything that we need? or we have the means to find it :))))))??

the other day, my sister texted saying that she wants to go do, but what?! she doesn't know yet. so i told her to ask before she sleeps, and in her dreams she might find some answers. and she did just that and the next day messaged me about two things that she dreamt about :) and these were stuff that she was worried about, but might not have acknowledged properly to herself that she did.

&&&&&&&&&&

sa tingin ko, malaki ang panahon na nabibigay ko sa paghahanap ng magandang puwesto. halimbawa, kanina nakaupo ako kaharap ang bintana. pagkatapos ng isang oras, natanggap ko na rin na nasisilawan talaga ako so lumipat na ako. sideways naman. hehe.

&&&&&&&&&

may exam ako bukas. final exam. ganito ang plano ko: magpagupit ng buhok. oo, gusto ko magpagupit ng buhok dahil mahaba na ang hair. haha.

&&&&&&&&

nakakatawa ako. gusto kong gumala. last week pa ako gala ng gala. di ako mapakali na di lumabas. daming energy, di kaya ng space. gusto ko lang maglakad at gusto ko ng maraming nakikita.

mag-aaral ako sa labas.

&&&&&&&

good luck po dun sa mga gumagawa ng sarsu. mag-enjoy kayo ;)

back from the 5th young men's camp

Magagawa natin
ang lahat ng bagay



ang lahat ng bagay sa mundo ...




ang iilang bagay,
di magagawa




di magagawang nag-iisa.



malulutas natin ang mga problema



kung tayo'y nagkakaisa...

natutuwa ako dahil kaya ko na mag-training na ako ang magdadala. di na ako natatakot at alam ko na ang gusto kong sabihin :) ... at kung may nakakalimutan ako, hinahabol ko na lang, hehehe.

(di ko pa rin naiwasan magalit sa isang punto, hay naku. sana, di na maulit ;)) dahil masama yata ang trainor na nagagalit sa mga trainees.)

natutuwa ako dahil masaya makasama ang maraming kaibigan sa isang proyekto na lubos na mahalaga at makabuluhan.

natutuwa ako dahil sobrang receptive ang mga bata, at marami sa kanila ang nagsabing gusto na talaga nilang magbago.

nakakatuwa panoorin ang kaisipan at kamalayan na nagbubukas.

naniniwala ako na nagiging attached ang mga bata sa isa't-isa, at nagiging memorable ang camp sa kanila, dahil pinayagan nila ang kanilang mga sarili na magbukas at ma-appreciate ang kayamanan na dala ng karanasan sa Camp.

being is its own reward :)

here's to men and women, good souls, open spirits,
at home and at one in their mind, body, soul,

magagawa natin ang lahat ng bagay sa mundo.

dreamworks pictures

hulaan mo kung sinong napanaginipan ko?

siguro iniisip niya ako ;)). siguro iniisip nila ako.

hahaha.

lagot ako kung iniisip nga nila ako at bigla nilang sabihin.

tanungin ko kaya, pssst, huy inisip mo ko no? inisip niyo ko no?

***

gusto kong matulog kahit kaunting oras lang.
nakakataba ang walang tulog.
nakakagaan ang tamang tulog.

Duma

ewan ko ba Maria kung bakit, nakakahawa yata ang hiwalayan.

dahil sa pagkasira ng tambalang HB-Jonas, magkakahiwalay na rin kami ng aking partner na si Kuya Ge.

magkakaroon ng mga bagong pagsasama. Si HB na at si Kuya Ge (a dash of Diego in the land of Rizal) at ako naman at ang di ko maalala kahit anong dukdok ko ng kukote ko sa dingding na si B.

tanong ko nga, maliliwanagan kaya ang mga kabataang Diego? ano ang sabi ng bolang bilog?

***

Duma daan lang.
Duma ranas ng matinding ambisyon (ma perfect ko kaya ang last exam?)
Duma ko roon.

Papuntang Duma guete.

Kitakits!

;)

the upshot

actually, there's probably not a lot that we cannot do
if we do them together
if we take the time to do these together
if we take the time to do these lovingly, together.

like taking the time to kindly teach the cab driver
to get from point A to point B
because he doesn't know and asked.

or taking the time to listen to each other.

there's more that i want to do with more people now.

and an enlarged head

but the thing is,

the second i roll my eyes

at the cloud

i know there is an expanse

of sky behind it

and beside it

expanding in all directions.

and the cloud is,

let me put it this way ...

what's with the cloud

in the face of

limitless sky?

with furrowed brow

there's a cloud:

it begs my acceptance.

till then,

it won't go away.

(cloud, go away.

all right.

be there.

i'll carry on folding clothes.)

Sex vs. Politics

This is where my problems revolve these days. I am forced to choose between Sex and Politics: It has gotten so that one of the great main pleasures of the hot part of May has been to settle in the middle of my huge queen bed (with its bright striped sheets, the one with comic memories), with the aircon on, and dim lights and settle down to slowly but surely work my way thru the entire set of Sex and the City DVDs, and/or the West Wing set borrowed from HB.

(I tell you, it is a delightful alternative to melting in the heat.)

But no, 12 episodes of SATC and 8 episodes of the West Wing, later, I come to a crossroad. SATC or West Wing? The UK or the US?

Fiolo's DVD drive screams stop to bilocality. It appears I have almost run out of choices as to the region of the world from which the DVD player can play original DVDs. You can only change the location setting a number of times and then forever be stuck with such region of the world! Ahhh, the travails of original DVDs! My SATC set is from the UK and West Wing was purchased in the US. See, see!?!? Why not buy pirated that can come from a person with no visible address, and be free of hassles? And I still have 11 DVDs to go thru sex-wise.

Still, speaking about the West Wing. Oh, it's so heartwarming, the antics of those fictional Democrats at the White House :D. What's heartwarming is the love and friendship between the brilliant men and women of the staff of US President Martin Sheen. Like Deputy Chief of Staff Josh going nuts because he's the only one among the staff given the card that tells him where to go (bunker or Air Force One) in the event of a nuclear attack. He can't take it. Or the US President assuring his speechwriter, the amazing bearded Toby, that he would be in the weeds without him, and thank God, he's his speechwriter ('twas a case of the speechwriter needing love and affirmation ... as we all do now and then, spirit-humans, as we all do :D).

I also love how they gimik together -- basketball, poker, dinner, and the US president cheats baldly and boldly on his irate staff :D It's most loving :D. Hahahaha.

Where politics leads me to love and friendship, I guess I am not too much at a disadvantage.

And besides, I can always watch SATC downstairs ... even if all the Aquarians are almost done with it ;)))

Trivia: Aquarians have this habit of gathering in front of the DVD player during my parties and watching all night long. Most strange of this airy creatures. But does that mean tv is more exciting than my parties?! Even when I myself provide the entertainment by inviting everyone over, and crying my eyes out in front of them? Mwehehehe. Life is so strange and nice.

magical light*

haaaay :)

ewan ko ba. tuwang tuwa talaga ako sa mga pics namin ni vika sa laiya. ang ganda kasi ng lugar. napapailing na lang ako sa tuwing tinitingnan ko ang mga pics. ang ganda kasi ng mga kahoy. ang ganda ng tanawin.

ang ganda ganda ganda ganda ng dagat. ang galing galing ni vika. hawak hawak niya ang camera noong napansin niya na parang nakapaloob kami at ang karagatan sa "magical light"*. na kahit anong kuhanin mong picture ay maganda ang labas at ang sinumang nasa picture ay umaapaw lamang sa kagandahan.

tuwang tuwa pa ko kay vika kasi di siya nakakaconscious na kasama sa picture-picture. basta na lamang niya kukunin ang camera at mag picture ng gusto niyang picture-an laluna kung sa tingin niya ay nasa mgandang anggulo ang puwesto mo.

(sinimulan pero di natapos)

***

tapos, nakakaaliw din kung paano nakakakilig talaga ang aming mga picture. 'yong picture. 'yong picture, 'yong picture ang nakakakilig. haaaay, weird but true.

*hahaha, kakatawa kasi ang kapatid kong babae. pinagtawanan ang pag-ecstacies ko over "magical light." hahaha.

good things, great things, fab summer

my winning text exchange of the day:

moi to brother in province: i persuaded dad to bring you gonuts donuts
brother: well done, sister. :)

:D:D:D

***

I am excited.

The next young men's camp is coming soon!

And more of my favorite people are going!

Woohooo!

There'll be swimming pools and one with sulfur mud (lol, is that good?)!

And I'll have company flying back to Manila!

Wooshoo!

****

Then yesterday,

my knees trembled as I

was handed my long exam booklet

wherein I thought I might have failed.

But no,

I got an A.

:D

I take my blessings,

when and where they come.

*****

Plus, I want to thank HB for
inviting us to the creative movement
workshop we had yesterday which was

Simply FABULOUS!

Even if I will never be able to dance hiphop,
so what, I am the star dancer in the
dance stage of

MY LIFE

;)))

****

And I want to say

You're Welcome to the
"chakra cuties"
who are thanking me
for coordinating the
get-togethers.

It's my pleasure, pramis.

I am just glad to
have gotten to know you.

********

THANK YOU

FOR EVERYTHING.

***

Love, peace, and

sufur mud.

:P

Laiya2: looking up at

the moon and katig

Laiya 1: some enchanting trees

enamoured with those enchanting trees




trotting off to a tree


talking in earnest


sitting with the tree


tree camouflage



sun, sea, tree


the lovely leaves

lessons in love/ baby talk

on the way to Greenhills to meet fair Arwen of Lothlorien (hahaha super palagpat)... err Manhattan ...

Aemon: Sinong baby mo ninang vivi?
Ninang VV: Si Ninang Vivi!
Aemon: (chuckles) si baby Ninang Vivi!

Ninang VV: Sinong baby ni Ninang DD?
Ninang VV: Si A____t!

Ninang VV: Sinong baby ni Ninang Rd?
Ninang VV: Si ______g!

Aemon: Papasabugin ko ang bahay mo Ninang Vivi!
Ninang VV: Ha?!?! Huwag!!!
Aemon: (chuckles) Baby ni Ninang Vivi si baby Ninang Vivi!

p.s. woe to me. might get sued by Aemon's parents for taking remarks out of context and not in order :D

Peace, love and babies (not mine)! :D

One day, isang araw

"Do you remember? On the 21st night of September? Love was chasing the night away," todo kanta ng banda sa stage sabay umaalog din ang lechon kawali sa loob ng tiyan ko. Di mapigilang sumayaw sayaw habang nakaupo at masyadong inviting ang kanta. Paborito ko yata dati yon. Anong kanta yan? Tanong ng kaibigan kong mas bata sa akin na di inabutan ang jazz classic/period theme song ko at ng aking mga cohorts (natutunan namin sa Psychology class na cohort ang technical term sa mga kasabayan mo ng henerasyon). September ng Earth, Wind and Fire, sagot ko naman agad, natutuwang maishare ang paboritong kanta. Enjoy kami sa Baywalk. Napaupo kami noong nagsimulang kumanta ang banda ng mga ka emote emote na kanta. Mood ko kasi ang pakinggan ang mga senti songs na senti without being OA. Kumbaga, senti-classic. Tapos bait pa ng waiter. Natutuwa siyang sabihin kung ano ang specialty ng restaurant nila, isang never ko pa na heard pero kahelera ng iba pang chains dito sa Baywalk. Gyozan sabi niya, dumplings daw iyon. Masarap din ang kanilang lechon kawali. Tig-isa kaming san mig lite ng kaibigan ko. Tig-isa ding rice. Tig-isang tubig. Aba solb. Ang saya.

Ewan ko ba at trip ko lang lumabas at maiba ng eksena sa nakasanayan. Naisip kong sayang naman ang maghapong walang urgent para lamang maglinis. Naghanap ako ng kaibigang puwede mayakag pumuntang malayo at di kailangang gumastos ng malaki. Trip lang. Hinabol namin sana ang sunset pero trapik at maraming nagsisimba sa Quiapo. Ok lang, inabutan namin ang komunistang moon. Upo muna kami doon sa seawall kasama ang sangkatutak na Pilipinong mahilig din mag liwaliw. Ang saya. Tabi tabi kami doon sa seawall, isang napakaromantikong eksena lalo na’t di halata sa gabi ang dumi ng Manila Bay at ng Roxas Boulevard. Basta masaya lang. Umupo kami magkaharap at nagkuwentuhan. Nagtawanan. Dalawang linggo lang ang nakaraan mula noong huli naming gala pero napakadami na ng pangyayari. Nag-iyakan ng kaunti, tawanan na muli. Matapos bumili ng isang rosas sa isang batang babae at natawa sa eksenang para kaming magkarelasyon na lesbiyan, naglakad lakad kami muli at napaupo nga kami doon sa unknown restaurant. Doon doon kami mismo sa mesa kung saan nagtatagpo ang malamig lamig na hangin mula sa dagat at ang mainit init na hangin mula sa makeshift kitchen ng restaurant. Mga elemento na nakakapaglikha ng kidlat at kulog.

Nguya nguya, kanta kanta, malagkit na mainit na masaya. Ganito siguro ang gustong-gustong feeling ni Bryan sa kanyang pakikisalamuha sa mga kapamilya’t kapuso. Wala lang, Pinoy na Pinoy, may musika, beer, pagkain, kaibigan. Madali naman maintindihan. Ginagaya ko yata ang aking kinagigiliwan. Di bale di naman bawal ang panggagaya. Ganyan din minsan ang nagagawa ng pagmamahal. Tila nagkakapalit-palit ng mukha at hilig.

06901

what do you do when a much loved friend sings one song with all his heart? over and over again, the whole night through?

over and over again, the whole night through?

sometimes sending in someone else to punch in the numbers when he's not yet in the room?

0-6-9-0-1. x 2 x 2 x 2. and one more. 0-6-9-0-1.

what do you do? what can you do?
you sing along with him ...

silently,
in your head...

(he shushes, glares and waves a finger at those who sing along).

and you pray that he will one day soon feel better. that God give him strength as he is weary.

and that you won't wake up in the morning with the biggest last song syndrome of your entire life ....

here we go, Christian Bautista revival, errr take it away, Aquarius 17 :)

As I watch you move
Across the moonlit room
There's so much tenderness in your loving
Tomorrow I must leave
The dawn knows no reprieve
God, give me strength when I am leaving

So raise your hands to heaven and pray
That we'll be back together someday

[Chorus:]
Tonight I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight you calm my restlessness
You relieve my sadness

As we move to embrace
Tears run down your face
I whisper words of love so softly
I can't believe this pain
It's driving me insane
Without your touch, life will be lonely

So raise your hands to heaven and pray
That we'll be back together someday

[Chorus:] [2x]
Tonight I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight you calm my restlessness
You relieve my sadness

[Bridge:]
Morning has come another day
I must pack my bags and say goodbye, goodbye


[Chorus:] [2x]
Tonight I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight you calm my restlessness
You relieve my sadness

swirly skirt

Bless :)

I'm happy.

I have too much hair but I'm happy.

It's humid like there's no tomorrow but I'm happy.

I crave the sea and the sand but I'm happy.

I need the bathroom but I'm happy.

I'm going to have a new ID, and it'll be a toss-up between this gulo-gulo hair, fat face id, and that gulo-gulo hair, fat face id, but am happy :))

Haaay. Melting like a lard of butter in a frying pan but hey.

IT'S ALL SUNNY. Great to be cookin' with ya.

Mmmmmmwah.

hello, trees

The best horoscope to read after you wake up at 1030. Hehehe.

It may be hard to find your footing early on in the day, V. You are better off sleeping in for a while. Have yourself a big breakfast and relax for the first part of the day. By the time the evening comes, you will be refreshed, recharged, and ready to take on the town. There is a feeling of restriction on your emotions today that may be making it difficult to express yourself fully. You may be better off just turning this energy inward at this time.

Healing conversation
Under this influence all forms of healing and being healed are especially favored. This influence is also particularly suited for every type of operation on body and soul, whether you undertake this on another person or on yourself. With people who are close to you, you can have deep conversations about those sore points which we all have and which make us react very sensitively to some things. It would be only too human to avoid this situation for fear of the pain connected with it. But, of course, you should not do so, as healing and becoming whole demand certain preconditions which are not readily to be found, but which are, during this time, especially favored.


The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mercury Conjunction Chiron exact at 14:08
activity period from 22 April 2006 to 23 April 2006.

the Friday that can't decide

originally i had a whole-day class today.
then i didn't.
so i said i'd spend it with friends rarely in town.
but then my other class was going to start today, after all.
then it didn't.
in the meantime, i asked to move a meeting to next week.
then my friends have other appointments.
do i want to chase them to have more bonding time?
then another friend from the province is in town
and is free right this minute.
and i want to meet gf. and gf. and gf.
and maybe bf wants to meet too.

LOL.

i'll clean my room,
and do my collage for
tomorrow's last session
instead:

how have i evolved in this week alone?

gazillions.
my atoms are in motion.

joy joy

happy happy joy joy :)

it is a blessed time :)

i have a midterm due tom. LOL. i just finished my finals and here it is, a midterm. but it's lovely :)

outcome (The High Priestess)

Your intuitive powers are at their height at this moment in time; only by listening carefully and trusting them completely can you embrace that power. Do this and you will make strong, clear, self-assured decisions. Allow for flexibility and expect promising outcomes.

something to guide us:
when is it (when do we?) love and when is it ego?
if we ask, we will know :D

just thought that a great one-size-fits-all people and situations kind of Q to let us know if we're true :)

:)

out of

literally

out of breath
out of steam
out of thoughts

ran out
closing shop

sand, save me

hello, angels
let's hit the beach.

theory of love

WATYUTINK?

Robert Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love (1986)

Liking= Intimacy without Passion or Commitment
Companionate love= Intimacy + Commitment without Passion
Romantic love= Intimacy + Passion without Commitment
Empty love= Commitment without Passion or Intimacy
Fatuous love= Passion + Commitment without Intimacy
Infatuated love = Passion without Commitment or Intimacy
Consummate love = Passion + Commitment + Intimacy

A Side

Nais Ko
by Side A

Nang makita ka'y di ko malaman,
Saan ka galing, saan paroroon
Nakuha mong kausapin ang aking puso
Nakakulong
Ilang araw, ilang buwan ang dumaan
Tayo'y naging tunay na magkaibigan
Kahit malayo ka'y parang andyan ka rin
Sa 'king piling, o may lihim...

Nais kong sabihin sa iyo,
Mahal kita at di kita iiwan
Nais kong yakapin kang mahigpit,
Kailanman ay di kita pababayaan
Mahal ko, mahal ko...

Ang larawan mo'y nasa paligid
Minamasdan at hinahagkan
At habang lumilipad ang aking puso
May binabanggit, may sinasambit...

Nais kong sabihin sa iyo,
Mahal kita at di kita iiwan
Nais kong yakapin kang mahigpit,
Kailanman ay di kita pababayaan
Mahal ko, mahal ko...

this much is true

yes, head on over there now (lotustarot dot com).

they have free readings, and if you're clear with yourself (you acknowledge to yourself how you really really feel) then the readings are really good.

after all, my last paper was on projection and synchronicity thru card readings ;)). it's just you. there's nothing to be scared about because it's just you.

what you most want at this moment (The Hermit)
The cards suggest pansy, that what you most want at this time is to know what to do, as well as companionship or a lover as you feel somewhat lonely or isolated at the moment. Perhaps you are feeling exhausted and in need of a rest - if you have been ill this is a time for rest and recuperation.

so true, funny how it seems, always in time but never lined for dreams ... ;)
this is the sound of my soul, this is the sound.

outcome (The Lovers)
Love is coming into your life even if you really can’t see where from at this time. If you are on your own a new lover will soon enter your life. If you are in an unhappy relationship you have a choice to make - go with your heart, take the risk, greater happiness is ahead of you.

mwahahaha, alas, alack. i am in love with my new swimsuit. ;))

a.w.w.l.m.

A Weird Woman Like Me
Yes, it's true. When you say you're weird, probably, you aren't. :)) Just lacking in attention :D. But whatever.

There are some people with whom I am very circumspect. Probably because they're much noisier, and I'd rather leave them to it when my voice can't be heard above theirs. When they try and ask (because I know vivacious people often feel strange around those too silent and feel pressured to become more vivacious ;)) questions to try and get others to talk, it's more difficult to answer because of the pressure.

(As an aside: maybe that's some of the "good" in equilibrium theory. As applied to intimacy it means that people strive towards an ideal level of intimacy, a level they themselves set. When it's too intimate, they back away. When too distant, they try to get closer. ... But I don't mean about intimacy this time. Rather, maybe it could be like the sensor in my overhead water tank. When water decreases to a certain level, the pressure tank goes to life. ... Meaning, if our consciousness had a sensor, we'd tone down our voices and say less, to give more space for others to speak :) those who need more time and space to warm up. And likewise, sensing the space, the more silent will talk too. ... All these without pressuring each other but in an atmosphere of kindness, acceptance and respect ;)) ... wow sounds like too solemn a situation... wahahaha)

But what I really wanted to say was, without saying much, and just smiling a lot, I had a good time really. A lot of it was also because I wanted to weep. I felt like crying because I love them. I do.

Hahahaha.

there i go there i go

old friends, good friends, missed friends

sad ako sister na wala ako noong nangyari ang krisis na kinuwento mo kanina,
kahit na alam ko na hindi siguro ako ang kailangan mong makasama sa panahon na iyon.
natutuwa lang ako sa bawa't pagkakataon na tayo'y nakakapagusap na tayong dalawa lang. siguro isang beses sa bawa't taon. at nangyayari lamang dahil sa di inaasahan o pinaplanong pagkakataon. (at siguro iniiwasan din natin magkita, at mayroon tayong kanya-kanyang dahilan.) sa bawa't pagkikita, naaalala ko kung bakit matalik tayong magkaibigan. at na mahal kita :).

(hayun, nahanap ko na ang inaalala kong konseptong Pinoy tungkol sa pagkakaibigan, at ito ang pagiging matalik na kaibigan.)

***

noong naghiwalay tayong lima noong Sabado, naisip ko na baka di rin tayo matutuloy sa ating pinag-usapang pagkikita ngayong linggo. alam mo na, mga bisi, balisa, maraming iniisip, may sari-sariling buhay. minsan, natutuwa akong magkamali. magkikita tayo muli! bukas :)

***

dati (1), iyong dati (2) kong mahal ay nanggigigil sa alaala ng mas dati (3 ;)) ko pang mahal. ayaw niyang tanggapin o alalahanin na dati may iba akong mahal. kaya para di na makagatong sa kanyang nararamdaman, di ko na rin masyadong kinukuwento ang tungkol sa dati. nakakalungkot din lang kasi, that was a beautiful time. at ganoon din ang sinabi noong mas dati kong mahal. sabi niya rin, that was a beautiful time. (ang mas cute, sinabi niya ito noong nagkaroon siya ng bago, hehehehe).

***

iyong isa ko pang mahal (iba pa), hindi niya rin maatim na minahal ko iyong dati (iyong isa, hindi iyong mas dati). hindi ko na rin masyadong binabanggit kasi may mga isyu din ako sa sarili ko. pero ang totoo niyan, minahal ko rin iyong dati. maganda din ang panahon na iyon.

hayun.

vows

single, "old," cranky, fab

claudine on tv: raymart, i truly believe it is God's will for us to be one.
fab1: to be one?! hindi ba puwedeng to be two? kailangan bang to be one?!
fab2: oo
fab1: eh kahit naman sa lahat ng binabasa ko on intimacy, walang sinasabing to be one

****

claudine on tv: raymart, ... i promise to inspire you. ...
fab1: roommie, i promise to inspire you. ...
fab2: ayaw ko nga!
fab2: ayaw kitang maging inspiration!

hahahaha!

****

claudine on tv: ... and your number one fan.
fab1: ay gusto ko yon!

shades of edwin mccain. i'll be the greatest fan of your life. hehehe.

maybe i can submit this instead?

intimacy~

from the map i am currently writing
the map of intimacy:
a guide for development psychology

i and the other:
when there is mutual knowing (says Kathy)
and being in each other's company (adds she)

and there is mutual vulnerability (says Cordova and colleagues)
and validation from self disclosure (says Reis and Patrick)

a stage we reach (says Erik Erikson)
the self constructed in relation (says H. Sullivan)

intimacy was when i made myself fully available
presence, support, and knife to to chop chickens
the anxious perfectionist chef

when i attune myself to moods strung out
in words and letters strung together
thru text, each message sent from me
pieces and moments of me for you

it is a nod across the room
a sudden all-knowing smile
the hug spontaneous

i am here for you
you are.

and so am i,
says you.

"i" upcoming

lately i've been asked to take part in something inspiring. rather, a publication that will focus on inspiring stories, for a world that lacks ... well, inspiration ;)

rather, the people behind the project wish to create a venue, a pole, a deep well? of stories inspiring that they see to be lacking, and that people need.

i have had my doubts because one, i feel it creates a false dichotomy between what's inspiring and what's not. that some things are inspiring, and others are not. but isn't it that all experiences just are, and what is inspiring is what appeals or what moves us depending on what we need to find appealing or moving at particular points of being ourselves?

also, it perpetuates the yearning for perpetual happiness, and the ever-present fear of sadness. as if life were possible being lived only on the side of happiness. but isn't it that happiness and sadness just are, and what we need is to recognize the joy and sorrow within ourselves, to experience these and let them go. they will flow like the tides regardless of who we are, what we have, and what we are doing.

still, it is true that media today spreads much doom and gloom, possibly at the expense of inspiration. there are many inspiring stories that need to be told and shared, and chewed, and swallowed, and learned from.

for as long as we are able to avoid adding to the universal all-encompassing pressure that humans need to be, have to be, happy. otherwise, they're shit.

inspired, why not?

our 'i''s

the enneagram outlines people's ways of relating with the world. my way is to be contained within myself (this is who i am), and perhaps, to do things better than others (hahaha).

what i wanted to say was my way is not to entertain you, or to make you happy.

but what i really wanted to say was that no one's way is better than anyone else's. it's just that we are all different, and life would be boring without all kinds to populate the Milky Way (hello there angels and alien friends ;) ).

your only obligation to the world is to be the best you ;) balanced you.

i am writing this remembering people i am sometimes uncomfortable with because they seem to have an unsaid expectation of me to be more than i am. rather to be larger than my life. to be entertaining and alive. hehehe! i guess all that means is that they don't really know me yet because i may be sedate by all appearances, but certainly i occasionally seethe with passion. hahahaha!

i am also writing this remembering chester and myself just the other day. she needed to talk and vent (she as herself) while i needed to study and relax (me as myself). so i listened. then after some time, i realized she was being herself, and would be herself. i owed it to myself to be myself too, or else it would not be fair. so having listened, i then gently steered us into the street, and into the cab ;)). after all, only i can stick up for what i know i need. chester was only sticking up for what she knew she needed. and love makes it all alright ;))

warble warble warble

You say you're not sure about love
If this thing we got together is real
But I say what are you afraid of?
You're a woman now and you know how to feel
Look to your heart
And the answer will be
Such a very simple thing

But if the love fits wear it, baby
And if it feels good, put it on
And if it's not that then just maybe
You'd be better off to leave it alone

But if the love fits wear it baby
And if it feels good, put it on
And if it looks like then just maybe
This love we have is where you belong
(This love we have is where you belong)

Baby you've got nothin' to lose
You can try it on and see if it suits you
And maybe, if it's not right for you
You can turn and walk away if you choose to
I want you to stay
'Cause you feel good to me
But I'll leave it up to you

And if the love fits wear it, baby
And if it feels good, put it on
And if it's not that then just maybe
You'd be better off to leave it alone

But if the love fits wear it baby
And if it feels good, put it on
And if it looks like then just maybe
This love we have is where you belong
(This love we have is where you belong)

I'd like to hold you for I love you a lot
And try to make you understand
We got a good thing and it fits us so tight
But what can I do?
It's up to you

sweet wishes

yes. yes i want dd to have her summer samba wedding.

that would be very nice. sooo nice.

and the way it looks right now, i'm not going to be able to reach all my dreams of nerdiness and academic excellence but instead will have to be banished to some hot deserted island with nothing but coconut trees and an endless fountain with green tea shakes. (yes, even without whipped cream.)

hehe.

yes. yes i want to walk barefoot on cool white tiles. but the soles of my feet end up being so black. sooo black. not so very nice.

we interrupt this blogpost with a cool shower and a tall glass of iced tea.

summer na gid ya

all things conspiring to give me the biggest tan of my life:

1. radiation from fiolo screen or the tv
2. the fires of my guilt (why, why, why do i still have two papers to pass????)
3. the hot summer wind
4. the furnace of my fears (repeat: why, why, why do i still have two papers to pass????)
5. the mangoes in the refrigerator.

whaaaat? hehe.

************

i love.

the sweet breeze from electric fan brushes my face
(with closed eyes, it becomes your breath),
my firm wide bed,
a hint of heat thru open windows,
cool rooms in shadow,
and the lusciousness of ripe mangoes.

awantin' some sweet lovin' ;)

astrodienst: A perfect balance **
This influence is favorable for sexual relationships and for all kinds of creative activity. It symbolizes the perfect balance between your need to be yourself and your need to relate to another. But this influence is strongly physical rather than psychological in its effects. A purely romantic relationship with no physical sex would not be very satisfactory, but such a relationship is not likely to occur during this time. Your erotic fantasies will certainly be stimulated, and women or men whom you would not usually look at twice seem much more attractive now. In fact you need to have a certain amount of discretion, lest you get involved in a totally inappropriate relationship. But again this influence is not usually that compulsive.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Mars Trine Venus exact at 20:40
activity period from 24 March 2006 to 28 March 2006.


A Smile and A Gentleness

There is a smile and a gentleness
inside. When I learned the name

and address of that, I went to where
you sell perfume. I begged you not

to trouble me so with longing. Come
out and play! Flirt more naturally.

Teach me how to kiss. On the ground
a spread blanket, flame that's caught

and burning well, cumin seeds browning,
I am inside all of this with my soul.

Translator: Coleman Barks


Futureminders: Emotions tend to find the right balance now, although they are anything but static. Passion is an enjoyable experience today, especially with one who shares your desire for pleasure. You can make a good, physical connection with someone at this time as you attract a strong individual who likes to take the lead. You know how to harmonize with whomever you are with so that you can get the most out of whatever he or she has to offer.


Some Kiss We Want

There is some kiss we want with
our whole lives, the touch of

spirit on the body. Seawater
begs the pearl to break its shell.

And the lily, how passionately
it needs some wild darling! At

night, I open the window and ask
the moon to come and press its

face against mine. Breathe into
me. Close the language- door and

open the love window. The moon
won't use the door, only the window.

Translator: Coleman Barks

photo album

THE READING PUBLIC. :)

This is how low my sense of humor is getting. Eurgh.




When AQUARIANS get together at a Capricorn abode, the Marines fall into disarray.
D and E emoting over In Her Shoes while VV obssessive-compulsively arranges her coffee mugs on a tray.





I guess, I felt strange.


hehe!

part of the mad dash to the finish line

The Enneagram and the Filipino Psyche

My instinctive answer was that Filipinos are essentially Type Two, or the Giver/ Helper. I sense that Filipinos are Type Two in how they will go out of their way to please the other. The other’s happiness is their happiness. Hence, Filipinos are famous for their hospitality. But helping/ giving is not limited between Filipinos and non-Filipinos. Rather this way of relating takes place between individuals, within families, and within almost all social structures.

Like how food is central to Filipinos. Within families, food is love, and woe to the child or family member who escapes the Filipino mealtime. Also how over-protective parents can be of their children, or how martyred some spouses are. Third is the theorized tagasalo phenomenon, where someone in each family takes on the burden of ensuring the happiness of the others at the expense of themselves.

The Filipinos take pride in their good relations, and see the social network as their source of strength. Hence, the inescapable system that prioritizes the kilala over the di kilala, that enlists numerous pairs of godparents at weddings and baptisms, and the failsafe network that rescues those in need at crises situations. Taken to practical extreme, good relations have also metamorphosed into the palakasan system within institutions that discriminates against strangers even those more capable or as capable.

Perhaps Filipino resiliency and adaptability is also related to being the Helper. Filipinos can transcend the most difficult conditions, and can overcome the most challenging limitations for the sake of loved ones. Take for instance, the overseas workers who brave sand, snow, storm, distance, loneliness and alienation just to ensure that loved ones will have something to live on, or will have some of what their heart desires.

Also, it is probably related that much of the work abroad that Filipinos get into is caregiving work. Filipinos are the nurses, midwives, domestic helpers, entertainers of many countries and many races. Such that it has become common to ask among wealthy foreigners, do you have a Filipina too?

Two’s give love in order to receive love. So that they may be validated, they need to feel useful and giving. When mutuality is not achieved, resentment can erupt. Hence debts are called in: one must pay one’s utang na loob. Or at the very least, the recalcitrant is labeled walang pakisama. Two’s notice when there is insufficient return of investment on their love and care, and can act up or act out.

Of course there is a shorter way to love. It need not come from others, but be a self-replenishing well from within.

In the way that Two’s understand about giving, integrated Two’s come to know that there is abundant love available to all in the Universe, including themselves. This Filipinos can also learn.

Disclaimer: this was a short offhand answer to an exam question, that did not go into detail on the levels of enneagram type two. meaning there are too many hasty generalizations given that the enneagram is empirically established. and actually for each type, there are healthy to unhealthy ways of being, the better to find out how one may grow.

but thought i'd put this out here in the meantime, as food for thought, and come back to it when i have more time to give a more considered answer.

i repeat myself

but seriously, ang galing talaga ng enneagram.

it's growing on me.

and i like that it is not simply a personality typology but a tool for self-awareness and spiritual growth.

promise.

sabi dati ni chester, when i say promise, i totally mean it.

reading this book now, and have confirmed once again that i am almost equal parts types four and one but not at all fully any of each.

Four-me example: I don't like either to take the lead or to be a follower.

Ay talaga. I can lead but if you naturally expect me to do it all the time or obligate me, I'll resent it sure enough at some point. I am also not a good follower especially when I feel that I can do better. Hahaha. I only take orders from those I believe in.

If you're looking for references, try The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson

hindi ako nalilito

kung minsan,
naiisip din kita.
(lagi kitang iniisip pero kung minsan,
naiisip kita.)

;))

Here's my updated list of things I can do all day long without complaining:

1. prepare psychological reports based on projective tests, particularly TAT stories.
2. search for related literature online.

taj

ambot ah! ano man to ang mga picture mo sang India man.

SOBRA NA GID TO YA KANAMION.

tani, gin upod mo na lang ko to.

ano pulos sang gakahisa lang ko.

hehehe.

passion and peace

happy new year.

the zodiac year starts today.

all Aries fire, and new beginnings.

here's to peace and passion! :)

HI.

none of the

usual suspects.

not womyn.
not piyaya.
not werock.
not jomari. <-- something only HB knows about ;))
not tao.
not stariray.
not pansyfancy.
not pansy.
not saja
not sajacutie <-- something only Bryan knows about wahahahaha

nope.

none of dd's guesses either:
goatgirl or
iloveny

nor roommie's
141763.

no one in the universe knows the password to my desktop that i last opened all of 14 months ago.

the magic word/phrase could be in one of my notebooks somewhere.

or not.

why don't your hazard a guess? ;)

chillin'

hehe.

my babysitting duties just ended. how can one take against an adolescent child, his very adolescence? hehe. i dunno, am not mad at all. he's a sweet kid. but a ... heavy weight groupmate. luckily, though it was heavy work that report, it wasn't as heavy as my reserch class where i might just as well give it up without my sweet and lovely friendships (groupmates).

am adrenalin-rushed. i feel like i've just come from the battle, and it wasn't that bad. and i had fun anyway. i had fun chatting with ate nina before sleeping on my papers (my email was open and she thought i was toiling till dawn). hahaha! i never make the mistake of not sleeping ate ningning :D

actually, i love end-of-sem madness :D.

it gets my blood pumping, and i get full of good ideas.

lalala. lalala.

bursts of h

now that the ABC who cooked japanese has finallllly released his philippines 2006 pictures, it's brought to mind my personal partial analysis of why that visit went so well :D unlike the last time, when i was kinda dyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing about the whole thing, i was really pretty relaxed this time around. relaxed indicators: i never planned ahead of time what to wear (wahahaha), i had no ulterior motives, and therefore had almost nothing to lose and everything to gain. i freely shared him with all my dearly beloveds, and a nice time was had by all on many occasions both planned and spontaneous. especially me who was happy to see them all appreciating each other's company. it was fun.

(and that trip to lemery lemery lemery life is but a dream ... was my most carefree chunk of this year thus far. i think of it most gleefully)

previously, i grew insecurities the way a tree grows branches. i had paroxyms of jealousy over the witty exchanges with other friends, and had unpleasant uncomfortable and all too human thoughts comparing myself with my sisters, the lights of my life. it was because i wanted more hehehehe. and my romantic feelings made me feel very vulnerable, and insecure.

i think of this because i am undergoing paroxysms again, and want to show myself, that yes, things can and do change, and life gets easier again. it's just the wheel.

***
i'm also saying this because oprah and this other therapist person were bearing in on this woman who was left by her hubby in a yacht somewhere. they were in the middle of their relationship and coupledom, and he just disappeared. wife says it was probably his narcissism. and though she looked ok on the show, they were picking up on her self that was still connected with him, still hoping he'd be fine, and that he'd see the light, and come back, and make up for all that he has done, etc. and so oprah and this therapist person said that the part of her that was connecting to him was indication of some kind of self-hatred. aaaaaawwww. that's just too unkind. anyway, it looked like the girl couldn't relate with what them two secure women were saying. maybe she will, in time, maybe she won't. but the me in this moment felt that self-hatred is just too strong a word.

i remember when bf the second disappeared south of the coastal highway, and it was clear from all indications (new gf, check; cheated on me, check; escaped, check) that he wasn't loving me, still my most me of me's just couldn't believe that he didn't still love me. my shocked person could only remember his self who had loved me, and expressed this many times (express being different from acted it out) to me, in whom i had deeply believed. it took a long time, and a lot of anger, but i only really moved on when i didn't care anymore whether he loved me or not. hehe.

this was my story and those were my wounds and though i've long ago moved on, those experiences left deep-seated fears and worries that get activated when i find myself in "at risk" situations. (at risk of great love, great joy and great loss). it's just that any compassionate understanding of myself (by myself and by others) has to take into account those situations ;)

***
but it's true that i am at once both very mixed up and very clear these days. i am very mixed up, there is a part of me that feels very guilty for going back on promises that i made to myself about you, and for my fixating on certain beliefs about us.

and also because the us, was true, is true. i hate myself for turning my back on it because it was something (the understanding and empathy that we have for one another) that moved me, and continues to move me still.

it's just that i want more, more, more. hehehe. and because this is what i want, the wanting of it brings me to plenty of paroxysms of this and that, that gets in the way of my peace, and gets in the way of our fun and spontaneous friendship. the us that gets in the way of our us.

***

i also wanted to say about one of my most relieved moments this year. now that the enthusiastic priestess is back to her exclamatory self :D (not that her other selves are any less worthy of love and friendship, not at all), i just wanted to tell her that one of my most relieved and happy moments this year was when she responded so honestly and openly to my then could-not-anymore-be-stopped-somewhat-worried-the tiniest bit exasperated-and the bigger chunk missing her- question, naano ka? the moment i sent it i was so scared she'd get pissed, clam up or something. but she responded in the spirit in which the message was sent, and all at once, everything was ok, and that moment in our friendship was i felt truly blessed :D.

(at that time, when she was most feeling the need to lick wounds in private, i was missing her ever-present supportive cheerleading. she had spoiled us with it thru the years and though i understood and supported her need to be alone and quiet and non-social, i was somewhat at my wits' end at that particular moment in babysitting and could not help but wail.)

so i just want to say THANK YOU to the excitable aquarian for mustering up her energies and love for me during the times when it was especially difficult for her to do so. Mwah, thanks ddness, love you.

***

but of course each one of us wage our battles, navigate our way thru the everyday. ddness is beaming, hb is activist (i am so glad hb that your words are written down somewhere ready to move those that need to be moved in the right time ... however contrary that may sound to the message of your missive hehe), my bro and dad confided to me separately last christmas that it was difficult to find out how the other was because they'd just go silent (hehe!), my mom and sis have their own virgo-scorpio dramas, and i am presently paroxysmal.

***

and about to lose all my money for the payment of overdue library books :D.

absolutely the end.

milat-milat

thanks ning for the Care2 e-card.Card image © Camilla Eriksson "Venus (animated)"

once upon a time, long ago,
in a galaxy four streets away,
i needed a document from dinasaur's pc,
and she gave me the password b*lat,
but i never got the document,
because, wrong spelling wrong.

hahaha. she had it in an "i"
but i typed an "e".

but anyway, i mention this because
yesterday i milat-milat (pinilosopo :D)
this guy friend who texted me the theme
of yesterday's women's march:
a woman's place is in the struggle! o*st gma! ;))

i said, instead, the struggle should be pro-women.
hehehehe! wala lang.

ayaw ko lang may tinatawag na "a woman's place".

(kahit saan man 'yon sa home man or sa struggle).
basta kung saan ang woman, 'yon 'yon.

(pero siyempre cooperative naman ako sa mga kabaro at
nakikulay din sa mga nagmartsa. ika nga ng may-ari ng runes,
ang "lavender subculture". pero di totoo yon, fuschia po :))

tapos, tapos, bilang gimik sa women's day, sa PBB,
pina-cross dress nila ang mga kalalakihan. huh??? eh ibig
sabihin, tungkol pa rin yon sa mga kalalakihan at di
pa rin tungkol sa kababaihan. mga babae pa nga nahirapan,
kaka-make-up sa kanila.

pero guilty din ako sa focus on men kasi nakuha ko pa ring
bumati sa ilang kalalakihan sa phonebook ko ng: binabati ko
ang inyong inner woman. hmmmp, pinagkagastusan ko pa sila ng
text. wala lang.

gusto ko lang mang-asar :D ... at bumati sa
mga iilan na kumikilala sa kanilang inner woman
na sa tingin ko ay mahalagang aspeto ng sarili
ng bawa't lalaki.

1

Dear v,
Here is your couple's love horoscope
for Thursday, March 9:

A big bout of cleaning will help get you back on track. If your home and office are in shape (and knowing you, they probably are), clean out some old relationship habits. Heck, it might be time to toss them altogether.

sangtaongpagmamahalanmagulomasayamalungkotmalinawmasalimuot. anong susunod? ;)

saya-saya

tues - report on filipino adult development
wed - term paper on angel reading as a projective technique due
sat - research symposium: presentation of research on friendship intimacy due (group work)
tues - term paper on development of intimacy on women and men due
wed - take home finals for projectives due; final exam on research
thurs - final research paper on friendship intimacy due.

:D

venusinaquarius self

do i dare?
oo, i dare ;))

hehe.
kaya mo 'yon, angels?

hehehe.

actually, hindi ko pa 'yon nagagawa.
ever.

;))

symbol saging

ewan ko ba kung bakit kahapon pagkagising ko naisip ko na namiss ko na kumain ng saging. yong lakatan, mahaba tapos maraming potassium. hehe. tapos noong hapon na, nagkatagpo kami ni ivan sa ym classroom at nagkasundo na magkita bago siya pumasok sa klase.

bago kami magkita, nagtext ako sa kanya na dalhan niya ako ng saging. sabi naman niya, sure! para sa mga hindi nakakakilala kay ivan, sadyang mahilig siya sa saging. madalas may baon siyang saging sa bag.

kaya naisip ko tuloy na baka kaya naisip ko ang saging dahil magkikita pala kami ni ivan. noong christmas party pa ang huli naming pagkikita. ang alam ko kasi marami siyang gustong ikuwento sa akin.

wala lang, gusto ko lang kasi mapatunayan ang papel ng simpleng simbolo sa pang-araw araw na buhay.

sabi naman ng anghel na si Bridget, may mga bagay daw na hindi pinapaalam/ sinasabi sa akin. tinanong ko kung ano kaya ito, lumabas si Chantall, ang anghel ng new romance. baka may nabubuong pag-iibigan kalakip ang mga taong malapit sa akin, na wala akong ka alamalam.

me moirs

so one day last week, i got up and left my groupmate, male.
a male male, one who's too noisy, and told me to keep my next week
free because he's taking a leave. hello, kiddo. i don't make
myself available for just anyone or on command because i do my
work anyway, when i can, regardless of your sked, but of course
we will meet but no, not keep my week free for you.

and so i left him to wait for the xerox, and walked off to the
other building for a bite before class, and there i met with
last sem's classmate, woman, and we had a fabulous time right then
and there on the benches having one of my favorite conversations
of all time (the one about the hard-knocks university vs the kind
university) and i love her because she's my decade. and there's worlds
of meaning in that.

(yes, sometimes, age gets to me at university because my classmates
are all so young and they can't imagine how wonderful it is too
at my age, and it sometimes makes me feel ancient and out of it
instead of being exactly where and who i am.) and next semester,
we will be classmates again, and we can't wait.

and just the other day, i realized i do have a role to play in
this universe because i really am entering psychology with a firm
grasp of feminism, and a feminist agenda. yes, agenda in the themes
and topics that i choose, and the research questions that i ask, and
because i realized, many others don't have and need that kind of
background (that gender is not some inane and neutral variable promise)

and one day too last week, the only Catholic priest in my life turned
to me and asked if i wanted to be a clinical psychologist, and i said,
yes! and he said ok, i must get as much experience as i can and get
many many kids to draw for me, because we were learning about
drawings.

and this afternoon i browsed thru the Philippine publications/ books
at the bookstore and remembered how I've always liked Philippine
contemporary literature and have followed thru the years what they
came out with and once interviewed for work this publishing firm that's
shaped the business

lastly, i really enjoyed our research defense day. i love hearing/
learning about other studies: what they are asking, how they plan to
answer their questions, and the panelists' comments. it was most
educational. ;))

good cheer

hola! having a little too much before-the-deluge fun.

yes fun.
three movies, three beers, and some mall time and meals with friends.

yes, a deluge.
two term papers, two exams, one group report, and one research project to go.
six thangs in 17 days or 3 days per thing to do.

OHMYGODDESS.

at least, in the next three weeks, nothing else matters.

as if life worked that way ;))

p.s. but lest you think it's just slacking off around here (hehehe guilt), had an exam and research proposal defense last week, too :)

reel parents

extremely noteworthy parents lately, fromthemovies:

1. if you walked the line, weren't june's parents simply ace?

when johnny was wrestling with his tractor in the woods, it was june's empathetic mom who told her to go to him, because he was a "mixed up" kid. in my view, traditional less-discerning parents would have said, "drive!" because from all indications, johnny looked like trouble, and what parent wants trouble for their daughter? she also recognized that june was involved with him already, involved in the real heart-sense.

also when that drug pusher came looking for johnny, it was june's frail-looking dad, and the mom who took up firearms and threatened the drug pusher. hahaha! loved that scene.

2. and if you climbed brokeback mountain (where the cold nights were so extremely cold prompting a silly girl* to say, ahhhh... kaya pala! haha!) weren't Jack's parents utterly loving to Ennis? leaves you with the impression they had been accepting of their son Jack.

*it was this blog's author and she was just being stupid which is fun to do, too. :P

unang langoy

napapadalas na naman
ang pagbukas/pag-abuso/paglinis
(mamili ka ng kataga)
ko ng aming ref.

nahahalata na naman
na kailangan mapunuan/mapawi
(alin sa dalawa)
ang pagka-uhaw sa pagmamahal.

madalas akong napapagod sa
aking sarili at sa pangangailangang
isaisip isa-isa ang mga gagawin,
kung hindi ay tiyak kong malilimutan

ang mga ito. o baka mas tamang sabihin na
takot ko lang mawalan ng lakas na
magpatuloy kahit na alam ko naman na
gusto ko, at ang mga ito

ang nagpapabuhay sa akin.
sadyang walang madali kailangan pa rin
hinkayatin ang sarili.
kahit na ako na siguro ang isa

sa mga kilala kong sobrang
sinusuwerte sa mundo.
baka lang din kasi akala ko
sa effort na gawing simple

ang buhay ko mas lalo akong nalulungkot
dahil kasama sa kaligayahan ang
komplikasyon
at saka

humahaba na naman ang litanya
ko kesyo sana puwedeng mag-demand
o mag-expect kahit na ok nga na
hindi eh

kaya't pag ganito mas mabuti nang
manahimik at mapag-isa nang sa gayon
walang masasaktan o maaaway. mabuti
na lang mapagmahal ang kaibigang

payag na kaladkarin kong magsine kahit
na malakas ang protesta kong ayaw ko
siyang samahan bumili ng malaking payong,
siya'y payag pa rin.

gone, swimming

Off to swim The Seven Seas.

Take care while I'm away :D.

vvness

LOVE TO ALL :)

the way to help this country and others from where i am standing at the moment (meaning just myself ;) ... i am sure there's as many best ways to help this country and others at this very moment, starting from every individual wish to do so :D ) is to be the best me that i can be starting with the fact that ...

i have just submitted my financial liquidation to the old office for the year just passed. YEHEY. that's one more weight off my shoulders. (it's also a very practical contribution hahaha because now they can get audited and can get more funds and do more activities to ... heal the world and make it a better place ... so there :P ... i bet the lowbrains behind that brawn tactics proclamation don't know that's a truly "inciting" thought :P)

forward onto the week. there's more, starting with my exam tomorrow. i declare every right answer my personal anti-gloria act.

hehehe!

Pinoy BIG BiG

Incidentally, the perils of TV-watching, reality tv, and the big profit-maximizing networks notwithstanding, celeb pbb is very very watchable! hehehe! and that statement is why i am hiding this post under two others.

so tonight this bianca girl was seen telling the roxy girl about her bf, and that she was afraid she was not strong enough for the strong person that her bf is (you can kalabit me for the narrative if you're interested in the details). and this roxy girl said love him yes you can, but if what you want is a simple relationship ...

so of course that brought me to myself. because i've said that to myself too :D, and i've replied to myself in various ways at different times. and the prevailing answer has been to look at my strengths, and our strengths together, and to celebrate those, always, over and above, any of my fears (and those are strong too) and misgivings. because actually if i look at where i am and where we are, i am actually a very strong woman, and it is very possible that i can be as strong as i'll need to be. for myself. for him. for the world. ... ay, yon sobra na yon ;))

i have my mega doubts every few hours/ days. it's never easy. perhaps, it's just that it's easier not to have to take on fears that i can't do anything about anyway, rather than stick with the things i already know are good, and have the bad habit to forget/ minimize.

at the very least, it's been very educational.

and very often, i pray all the time :) (whatever that means very often all the time ;)). for courage.

and give thanks for everything that is good.

whereas

whereas (as of 1 pm afp/dnd presscon) "all men [in the afp] are accounted for," therefore we are now in a state of national emergency (11 am).

d'uh.

the old 45's

Here's another from my soul's secret playlist that goodness only knows contains what else!

Yesterday, meditating in the middle of an entrancing and hectic lecture, I realized I did, still, despite the wonderfulness of this moment and the numerous pitfalls involved in not-this, want that.

It's always interesting to be clarified :D

And so after getting a class of water from the refrigerator, I burst forth like I have no business singing:

Candles burning glasses are chilled and soon she'll be by hope and pray she'll say that she's willing to give us another try and if all those songs I made don't melt the lady's heart I'll put on the old 45's.

And maybe the old songs will bring back the old times maybe the old lines will sound new maybe she'll lay her head on my shoulders maybe old feelings will come true

Maybe she'll start to cry and wonder why we ever walked away maybe the old songs will bring back the old times and make her want to stay.

And yes, I typed that in by heart being another one of those from my adolescent cassette tapes!

The natural buoyancy of souls

What goes down must come up, isn’t one of the more reassuring phrases dive instructors can say to students. It doesn’t guarantee life :D. But it’s true though, and divers can count on it. If you stay still, and don’t panic, and take off all things that weigh you down, you will eventually reach the surface. (In fact, it’s often worse if you reach the surface too soon because you need to give enough time to emit the nitrogen you take in underwater … or something like that hahaha … I obviously need a refresher course).

My soul is sending up the occasional bubbles, in the form of bits of songs. They arise unexpectedly, come from a particular chunk of my growing up years, and usually match my mood/ thoughts. It’s been a bit striking such that I’ve taken to paying attention. For instance, as I stepped out of the shower: if you remember me, I hope you see, it’s not the way I want it to be, or I’ll be with you now, but wherever I go, my love goes with you, keep on smiling, keep on shinin’, sometimes even time can come between…

Yes, like that. Going straight back to the days when I had gotten hold of my uncle’s copy of a Jingle magazine containing lots of Billy Joel’s old songs (Friday night I crashed your party, Saturday I said I’m sorry, Sunday came and you trashed me out again, I was only having fun, wasn’t hurting anyone, and they all enjoyed the weekend for a change…) that I learned by heart and can sing like any rock star without an audience. :P

Or when my college-age older cousins taught me this ritual where you wrote a question pertaining to your love life, and the name of the object of affection on a piece of paper, burned the paper over a candle, placed the ashes under your pillow, turned on the radio, and the third song would be the answer to your question. No kidding.

My secret life as a 12, 13, 14-year-old revealed here for all to see. Hehe.

And so these songs that I just suddenly find myself singing, they aren’t LSS because they are hardly played anywhere anymore. It’s just my consciousness telling me what’s up, sister, in my truly present :).

Mahal kita kahit ano pa.

Paano kung mahal mo ang isang kaibigan,
Boy Abunda asks?

{cue in laughter}

He missed asking me to guest in his show.
So from me, he’ll never know ;))

But lucky you will :) :) :) (lol).

Yep (as Australians will say)
It’s not at all easy.

But perhaps it’s easier than loving the same friend
in the context of a romantic relationship.

(Right now, it is. But that was sweet too.)

And besides, for me, right now
it’s not about ease or difficulty.

It’s about me.
It’s about finding security for myself.

Not wealth not status not prestige.
But about claiming my power.

And knowing I am, will be ok no matter what.
No matter what comes up, comes next.

No matter who comes by and leaves.

My commitments

EsJi said there was no way I could have refused him
Because he watched over my house while I was away.

(But I forgot about that already, because I thanked him properly.)

Rather, it’s my commitment to the world’s women
That when it appears like the only reason I can’t is because I won’t

1) Then I have to. Hehehe.
Thanks again, HB.

* *

Also (those that jump out as of now)

2) To be there for Joanna for specifically that which we have agreed on
(because she asked, and I said yes, and it’s the one thing I can do, on this)

I have enjoyed it chester!
Have a meaningful trip! :)
Want to hear about it already!

3) To disclose my whereabouts and activities to HB
and vice versa, because that’s the way we love each other. LOL.

the sulky teenager that i am/was

So anyway (which is a bad way to start a writeup, as my high school English teacher taught me ... No I made that part up :D as I am currently missing my self who was one of my high school English teacher's best students hehehe ... just kidding :D), I've spent Sunday so far in tears over the Second Summer of the Sisterhood* of the Traveling Pants (which is bad for grades, but to heck with my papers for now).

I just feel that somehow, part of us will always be that uncertain afraid brave adolescent, who in hating, loved more.

CARMABELLE

"Well." Carmen lifted her arms in the air and locked her elbows. She examined her hands up there. "Let's see. I want you to leave me alone, but not ignore me. I want you to miss me when I go away to college, but not be sad. I want you to stay exactly the same, but not be lonely or alone. I want to do the leaving, and not have you ever leave me. That's not really fair, is it?"

Christina shrugged. "You're the daughter. I'm the mother. It's not meant to be fair." She laughed. "I don't recall you changing any diapers."

Carmen laughed too.

"Oh, and one other thing." Carmen rolled back onto her side, facing her mom. "I want you to be happy." p. 283


LENNY
Dear Bee,

I send you the Pants full of love and strangeness. ... I mean putting yourself out there in the way of overwhelming happiness and knowing you're also putting yourself in the way of terrible harm. I'm scared to be this happy. I'm scared to be this extreme.

Love,
Lena

LENA, again
Two important things happened on Lena's fourth and last day in Greece. The first thing was that Grandma gave Lena Bapi's hideous white tasseled shoes, and amazingly, they fit Lena's giant feet. Grandma looked aghast, like she hadn't actually meant for Lena to put them on, but Lena was very pleased.

*By Ann Brashares, who should go and meet Australia's Melina Marchett, who wrote Looking for Alibrandi. Because I say so :D. thanks DD for the loan of the books!

carrier

carry your heart with me(i carry it in... (92)
e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

weekend, promise

I woke up at nine am
And then again at eleven
How nice it is to wake up twice.

I sipped coffee kept the aircon on
So hot outside and how much I
Love summer.

I ordered lunch, and they
Forgot the rice.
How great. Bless.

I talked with my friends, in a
Literal figurative internet group
Hug. Separate chat windows and all.

I blogged about my friend
One of precious few male pals.
May there be more.

I “start” my day at three.
Coz even though I already started.
And “done” much.

The type one (secret type four)
Capricorn woman, without laundry hanging
Hasn’t started at all.

buddha

dahil kulang ang poem ni HB at marami pang kailangan idagdag tulad ng ukol kay Michael.

dear michael,

hindi totoo na mas magaling-galing daw ang derechahang usapan (yong naririnig) kesa pakiramdaman. may kanya-kanyang kagandahan ang bawa't paraan at kagaya ng lahat ng bagay sa mundo, pinakamaganda kung nababalanse ang dalawa. yong pagspeak out at speak up ay nauukol sa ibang bagay, kaganapan, panahon. yong pagkaalam at pagintindi ng walang salita ay mas angkop naman sa ibang kalagayan. minsan, kailangan dalawang paraan, sabay na ginagawa. kung sa bagay, iisa lang naman ang importante sa dalawa --yong motibong nanggagaling sa lab, at sa wish na all will be well and all will be happy with everyone.

(teka lang pala, gusto ko lang din sabihin na minsan yong pagalala, WORRY, o yong pagkaawa, PITY, ay hindi ang mas mapagmahal na paraan o motibo sa pakikitungo, pakikipagrelasyon at paglikha ng mas mapagmahal na mundo. mas maganda yong kaisipan na lahat ay may kaya, makakagawa ng paraan, matututo din. at magkakaroon ng tulong na di inaasahan kung tayo'y hihingi ng tulong at bukas sa pagdating nito. hindi puwede yong, help, sabay talikod dahil sa takot.

siguro ngayon nakukuha mo na na ang liham na ito para sa iyo ay hindi naman talaga tungkol sa iyo. hahaha! gusto ko lang pala mag-speech ;)).

at gusto ko rin kasi magpasalamat. sa iyong pagiging kaibigan ko, sa ating pagiging magkaibigan. yehey!

eula

p.s. HB, paki post nga ng aemon and goddesses poems. salamat :P

Oh, and by the way.

I do, I did, I do

Oh, and by the way,
I imagine interjecting, as I’m almost out the door.

To my sisters’, my mother’s, my friend’s conversations,
To the hearts of my heart, still chatting as I'm leaving.

Oh, and by the way,
In case it slipped your notice, as it did mine.

It’s the goddess who chooses.
And I’ll smile, we get to pick*. Yes, you and I.

See you later. Runes.

thanks to Joannie, for that important piece of missing information. Spread the word :)

SO, i want to say HVD

:D

to all my life's presences these days, thanks, i love you :D

so? (as one chinese was wont to say, so meaning, what's it to you? ;)). so indeed, hope you loved ones have a wonderful day. :D

look at what's in my bed these days. sleeping with me. (tonight, anyway)



let's have a closer look....



hehe! going to bed with words.

one pile, fiction i have to shelve
fiction i must finish the last few pages just to be OC about it :D
fiction i will read next
books am in the middle of
my angel books
my pile of women's psychology books that i browsed for a paper
my other pile of women's psychology books that i need to browse
the mother book that i need to send to ives
and my pile of diaries

wehehehehe ;)) let's enjoy the love, the words, say it in Runes ;)

oh, here they are, those who left the room

so now i know what i want on the walls :D -- angels, mandalas and some of susan seddon boulet's works.

so chester said during my tarot reading at the japanese-dinner-event-at-home that this is going to be a productive period working with my hands. hmmm maybe it's the shuffling of the angel cards :D.

so some things i don't say because they're not worth saying.

so a friend said of this guy schoolmate of ours that he is my male equivalent in the program -- old, mostly silent/ quiet, seemingly scary, funny, smart and wise. yes, i put all those words in her mouth. hahaha. but i agreed with her. maybe we can become friends.

lately, i am wanting to be friends with everyone. it seems that friendship is so wonderful. hehehe. it's just that i have to watch myself not to fall into the usual traps because of laziness. you know the usual relational-conversational-roleplays that are so readily available, one size fits all.

but am not like that. athena athena athena, help me to exercise what i know/ am:).

and oh, angel daniel and i are friends. he knows i don't want to be in love as of now, but want to be loving and lovee.

and oh yes, this week i was a tree. (it was during a hypnosis session in one of my classes. maybe i should go for the hypnosis class too this summer). specifically, the charisa/ aratilis tree in the backyard in my childhood home.

so, happy valentine's day and say i love you Runes!

catching each other at a (different) part of every day

a thought on its own

you looked good in your blue tee shirt.

sometimes i catch my breath thinking about how much i've learned and grown in relationship with you, and, every time, mentally say thank you for having been there while i learned. i am awed at how substantial your contribution has been. i imagine it a bit like a soul saying -- in a soul-to-soul conversation -- ok, here i am, use me in whatever way you will/ need to so you can grow a little bit more. it's been very humbling. i never thought it would be like that, and i am grateful.

having been thru the (mutual) wringer (perhaps), we release each other, while staying.

(my other thoughts suddenly stood up, and left the room :D)

ILY in Runes, English and Bisaya

How do you say
I love you
in RUNES?

JOIN US IN THIS VALENTINE’S OPEN MIC AND SAY IT ANY
WAY YOU WANT TO, TO ANY ONE YOU WANT TO (YES, TO ME,
SURE!), WITH AS MUCH FEELING AS YOU WANT TO

7:30 pm, Wednesday, 15 February 2006
Runes Bar & Restaurant, 265-F Tomas Morato
cor Scout Fernandez, QC, near Chili's Restaurant
Tel. No.: 413-0660

LAB YU DONG DAY ;)

angel guidance

Check out Doreen Virtue's website for some angel therapy.

Below is number three in her ten lessons learned from angels. (Am taking a Projectives class so this is way interesting :) )

3. All conflict is inside your mind.
"Any conflict you see or experience in the outside world is a projection of your ego. In truth, the world is completely at peace and you project your fear of peace onto the world. You don't want to resolve your inner conflict, but you do want to get it away from yourself. So, you project it onto other people and think that 'they' are the ones who are causing you discomfort. Other people are neutral, blank slates and you color them with your own meaning and definitions. Then, you react to them as if these colorations and definitions were real. Other people, in turn, treat you in the way that you expect, in a self-fulfilling prophecy."

As the angels explained this, I realized how often I had allowed fear to create miserable times for me. But always, I had the power to choose the thoughts and feelings I ascribed to all situations.

boiled egg and broccoli

recited in class today. hehehe that makes me sound like a kindergarten student. have been wanting to kick myself to do that more but just hadn't been present enough this year. but have now managed to pull myself together and be cheerful :D

made sure i'd be in class today since the scheduled topic for discussion was the theory that i've suspected will need to be in my paper. but when it came right down to it, intimacy isn't my passion anymore. hahahaha. didn't even make so much as a comment on stage 8, intimacy vs. isolation. now am interested in secure attachment, being ok with one's self and being ok with others. :D

anyway, my new friendship Y said before the class broke up, hey V, yellow suits you. you look happy.

i am, indeed. and yellow does suit me. ;)

extra large

the heart of a woman
encompasses the world.

amplified

i really enjoy it when i lose disbelief and like a movie the same way i like a book so much that i miss the characters after i've read the last page. when i like a movie so much, and so do my movie mates, we talk about the characters afterwards like they're real. (though like groupies, you talk about them like the actors were the characters ;)). it's the feelings-method to movie-appreciation :D (it doesn't focus on whether the movie was accurate of the real story or too hollywoodish and other mental-intellectual and/or wholistic frameworks. basta, i love it, ganun.)

but i'll wait a few days and see when more people have seen Walk The Line. Instead here's a song from my all-time favorite album of Everything But The Girl (EBTG). I love the Amplified Heart album but don't go back to it too often 'coz it's so so so sad an album.


We Walk the Same Line

If you lose your faith, babe, you can have mine,
and if you're lost I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

Now I don't have to tell you
how slow the night can go,
I know you've watched for the light.

And I bet you could tell me
how slowly four follows three,
and you're most forlorn just before dawn.

So if you lose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

And I don't need reminding
how loud the phone can ring
when you're waiting for news.

And that big old moon
lights every corner of the room.
Your back aches from lying
and your head aches from crying.

So if you lose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

And if these troubles
should vanish like rain on midday,
well I've no doubt there'll be more.

And we can't run and we can't cheat,
cause babe when we meet
what we're afraid of,
we find out what we're made of.

So if you lose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

welcome back

my
much-needed
much-awaited
much-welcomed

reunion
with geeky
OC
student
self.

oh
what
a
relief.

yes, alice-walker-wanna-be me

regardless
notwithstanding

we love each other

despite everything.


ps. sorry alice :D

on thursdays
you tend
not to text,
why?

en yah yah yah gram

;))

if you will recall, i crowed long and hard here about discovering (self-identifying thru a list) my instinctive enneagram type... type one... the perfectionist/ reformer. it was amusing to me because i could relate with statements saying like, "it has to be left up to me because no one else can/ will do it." and also the impatience and resentment. as well as the wisdom.

The Reformer. The principled, idealistic type. Ones are conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are teachers, crusaders, and advocates for change: always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake. Well-organized, orderly, and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards, but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic. They typically have problems with resentment and impatience. At their Best: wise, discerning, realistic, and noble. Can be morally heroic.

then i also elaborated a bit about type four, having issues with a beloved type four then. so imagine my surprise today to discover (taking the full RHETI test for school) that i am almost a type four as i am a type one. and moreover, am also nearly a type two. my feelings, both inward and outward ones, are showing themselves.

wahahahaha! serves me right. one judges that in others which one has also in one's self.

Type Four
The Individualist. The introspective, romantic type. Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.

here's the type two ;)... the female in me.

Type Two
The Helper. The caring, interpersonal type. Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

queen of the world

you want the world, someone said to me very recently in the middle of the night, in all caps. I WANT THE WORLD, yes I now agree. (I really need to pay attention to the things people say to me that I resist, that turn out to be right :D).

but perhaps, yes, we need to want the world :D. doc r and chester too said we need to blurt it out. we want the world, we want this world, this is what we want. we need to be unafraid to want and say the things that we know will make us happy.

when it's from the gut, and it's for the good, there's going to be no stopping it from hurtling into your life. just have your arms out ready, open, waiting to catch, ready to be in the shower of blessings that we all so richly deserve, just for being who we are.

maybe this is what all this heartbreak i'm swimming in right now is all about. all because deep down i know i want the world, and whispered it some time ago, timidly hesitantly, this is what i want.

and so now the world is changing changing changing taking a new form giving birth to new ideas and new situations (my angel card isaiah) and as i cry and rail, i know deep down i am happy, and i wanted this so i could follow my truth, and you could follow yours, and if we act on our truths, we are still loving each other, in various ways and various forms, and there'll we'll be still.

i want the world, with angel astara :)

p.s. vv does angel readings for friends, in continued angel'mazement, and because it helps a lot (to learn, to ask, to get to know). so, you only need to say if you want one. we learn together :)

p.s. bryan, if you find your way here again, i asked if you'll be ok, and my friend the angel daniel came out, said you're going to be married ;). something to look forward to, wouldn't you say? (no, i'm not documenting it, but i want to be there, so there :P)

Incidentally, from ivillage:

February 1: Mercury conjunct Neptune

There are two ways to find your way to the future. Fortunately, or unfortunately, you've got to put them both into operation at the same time to make your dreams come true. First off, you need to visualize what you want -- to see it happening as if you're actually watching it on television. Next, you have to be absolutely, completely sure that you can make that dream a reality. Mercury is in charge of thoughts, and Neptune holds jurisdiction over dreams -- so they're the pair you need to bring about your grand plans. While they're always accessible, they're holding hands at the moment, meaning their influence is just unbeatable. Use it. To the max. It's time.

yuck, kadramahan :P

everyone who's ever truly loved knows how tricky it is seeing an ex in the middle of everything. how tricky it is and yet how essential. how the bittersweetness can drown you caught as you are between the sight of future peace, and the longing for happier times past, made more sweet by the recognition that those won't happen again ever. how you understand everything, and know exactly where you are, and yet can't help tears streaking down your face.

how you almost can't say a thing because you can't hold yourself to anything, not any word, and besides don't want to cause any hurt or harm or pain either in an unwieldy time and place where everything is both happier and more sorrowful. you almost can't say anything because things are moving too fast and the words, once let out, might not be true anymore. and yet you are compelled to speak to commemorate each moment. and yet you are scared to speak for you might be speaking too soon of a future that has yet to fully reveal itself.

luckily, there are many other things to talk about, and love always knows even of things unspoken. and sometimes it knows more of those.

i say it's all about respecting the seasons. there you go. you've fully converted me months after i protested your insight left and right. :D :P why did i somehow expect that to happen? hehehe!

also, i hold in my heart my glimpse of joy, in the hope that in the rightness and ripeness of time, when i am ready, it shall fully open for me again.